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How can I respond to the whiny "PLEEEEEZEE"?


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My daughter has this awful habit of whining "please" after I have given her a "no" answer. The response adds no new information to the discussion, and it means I can never say "no" in 800 words or less. It annoys me to no end and I have told her this. How can I teach her to stop, and make a proper appeal if she has one?

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My daughter has this awful habit of whining "please" after I have given her a "no" answer.

 

The rule here is that if you whine, you get the opposite of what you want.... To be interpreted as necessary: you whine about wanting to stay up late? You go to bed early. Etc. Being consistent (which I'm not) helps.

 

(Tangent: Does anyone remember the SNL skit in the late 70s-early 80s with Doug and Winnie Whiner? "I want mac and cheeeeeeese!")

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My daughter has this awful habit of whining "please" after I have given her a "no" answer. The response adds no new information to the discussion, and it means I can never say "no" in 800 words or less. It annoys me to no end and I have told her this. How can I teach her to stop, and make a proper appeal if she has one?

 

Adopt a confused facial expression and say "Excuse me? I did not understand you. I do not speak nor do I understand whinese."

 

Works with my kids.

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Our rule is, if you whine, the answer is automatically no, even if there was a chance of yes. I can't give you what you want, because I will not reward whining. The correct response to "No" is not "Pleeeeese" or "Why not!?" The correct response to "No" is "Okay, Mama." If they forget, I remind them to "Respect my 'No.'" If you don't respect my No, then you're not respecting me, and that's not acceptable. To reinforce that concept, if I'm tickling one of them, and they say "Stop," I stop *immediately,* and say, "Okay, I respect your No." Occasionally they will try to bully each other a little, and "Respect his/her No" usually stops it cold.

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Guest Peanutplus5

Our saying around here is "Whiners don't get didly!" And if they whine after that has been said, they either get the opposite as the other poster said or something taken away, like a snack. it depends on what is going on right there at the moment. For ex., if they are whining because they want 2 cookies instead of 1, they get the one taken away. It didn't take long for this to kick in. We hardly use this at all anymore. Just waiting for the 3 yo to get old enough to test me with it... haha!!

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Ds8 has reverted to this nonsense lately. He thinks he can 'explain' things to me (because I am apparently feebly minded and don't get the reasonableness of is request). Or he thinks he deserves an explanation for my answer. I was just thinking yesterday I need to nip this in the bud...I call it badgering and I will not tolerate it. I don't give in to it, so I don't know what he hopes to accomplish with the whining...but he still does it.

 

I like Kelli's answer to it...I'm going to try that.

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The whine comes after I have already said "no". What I would like to see is a respectful appeal, if she has one. For example, this morning I told her to comb her hair, a process which involves wetting it because she is curly like me. She asked me if she could comb her hair without wetting it, and I said "no" (the result is a frizzy mess). Then she whines "PLEEEEEZEEE". My dh bailed her out by explaining that the reason she didn't want to wet her hair was because she was cold. I would have accepted this as a reasonable appeal, and probably changed my answer. But "Pleeeezeee" adds no new information for me to consider, and makes me downright angry.

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The whine comes after I have already said "no". What I would like to see is a respectful appeal, if she has one. For example, this morning I told her to comb her hair, a process which involves wetting it because she is curly like me. She asked me if she could comb her hair without wetting it, and I said "no" (the result is a frizzy mess). Then she whines "PLEEEEEZEEE". My dh bailed her out by explaining that the reason she didn't want to wet her hair was because she was cold. I would have accepted this as a reasonable appeal, and probably changed my answer. But "Pleeeezeee" adds no new information for me to consider, and makes me downright angry.

 

I've thought about ways I could handle myself better with ds8. I wonder if I say no too quickly and too often? Shrug. Maybe. For instance, if you had just said, 'dd you know your hair will be frizzy if you dont wet it', instead of 'no.' ,do you think she would have whined or do you think she would have explained her request respectfully?'

 

But then in some cases that just gives them an open door to make their case even when it is a weak case. Yesterday our issue was gum at the store in the check out line (self check at that, so I'm trying to THINK) I said, 'no.' I knew I was NOT going to waver because I had already said yes to two things of junk in my basket. However, I didn't SAY all of that to him. I just said, 'no.' And he kept on. and on. and. on. He wanted me to loan him money because he didn't have enough in his wallet. And he wanted to know why I wouldn't. And he screwed up his face. And whined. And it was just ridiculous. Then I got mad. But I didn't kick him. ;)

 

Regardless the whining and badgering are not acceptable.

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The whine comes after I have already said "no". What I would like to see is a respectful appeal, if she has one. For example, this morning I told her to comb her hair, a process which involves wetting it because she is curly like me. She asked me if she could comb her hair without wetting it, and I said "no" (the result is a frizzy mess). Then she whines "PLEEEEEZEEE". My dh bailed her out by explaining that the reason she didn't want to wet her hair was because she was cold. I would have accepted this as a reasonable appeal, and probably changed my answer. But "Pleeeezeee" adds no new information for me to consider, and makes me downright angry.

 

When my kids were younger I tought them to ask, "May I please ask why?" as an appeal (although they don't say that much now). I think that if you made it a funny thing like, "I'm going to count how many whines there are today and how many times you ask correctly and if the good outweighs the bad at the end of the day, I'm going to give you a ______" Unfortunately, the only reason they do that is because sometimes it works (at least in my case) and so the odds are in their favor. They are smart little gamblers. So, I would just let her know that there is NEVER a time when whining will get her what she wants. And, now I'm off to go do the same!!

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I refuse to respond. I've told ds my ears don't hear whining. So when he whines I just ignore him. If he keeps up I say something like "Hmmm....I thought I heard something but I just can't understand what it is." If he keeps up I'll say "Try this..." and repeat what he is asking but in a normal tone. I'll keep modeling the right way for him until he asks or says whatever it is in a non-whiny way.

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Whining: 3 Steps to Stop It Before the Tears and Tantrums Start

http://www.amazon.com/Whining-Steps-Before-Tears-Tantrums/dp/0684857421/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220970427&sr=8-2

 

(and I also liked this one:

Backtalk: 4 Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids

http://www.amazon.com/Backtalk-Steps-Ending-Rude-Behavior/dp/068484124X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220970548&sr=1-1)

 

When my kids pester and whine, my "line" is, "If you ask me again, the answer is no." (Even if I *would have* said yes if asked politely, the answer is no). Very similar to what another person posted.

 

I also liked the suggestion about modeling the "right way" to ask you why or to plead her case. If she still did it "wrong" (i.e. whiny voice) I think I would say, "Like this" and repeat the modeling and then say, "Try again." I would probably repeat until it was at least close. I have one dc this would work with but would probably frustrate the heck out of another dc.

 

I'll be watching for other ideas on this thread!

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If it's school time, I say, "Please do not question my assignments." I used to use the ticket system, and this hearkens back to that.

 

If it's not, and I have time, I walk her through how to do a proper appeal. "Hmm, have you told me anything new? Is there any reason I should reconsider? Is there information that would help me do that?" and also, "Here is how you sound. Now here is how you should sound."

 

If it's not school work but I don't have time, I either say, "Asked and answered. Move on." or "Look, I am in AAAAAAAAAAAAAAah mode, no arguments." AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa is pronounced like the a in 'hat', and it means that I'm stressed enough to want to say AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! and no one had better get in my way.

 

Dobson suggests the response that some have mentioned, "I can't hear you when you whine." However, I said that to DD when she was much younger, maybe 5 or so, and she replied, "Yes you can, Mommy!" and I realized that I was actually lying to my child if you looked at it literally. So I dropped that approach, but I did sometimes say, "Whining doesn't help you," and then just not respond to the request until it was asked politely.

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Dobson suggests the response that some have mentioned, "I can't hear you when you whine." However, I said that to DD when she was much younger, maybe 5 or so, and she replied, "Yes you can, Mommy!" and I realized that I was actually lying to my child if you looked at it literally. So I dropped that approach, but I did sometimes say, "Whining doesn't help you," and then just not respond to the request until it was asked politely.

 

I have said "I won't hear whining" which means it is a choice, not an ability.

 

Thank you for your suggestions.

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