Natural abilities and hard work

[SereneHome]

So, I tested my oldest and we got test results back.  He did really REALLY well.  So, what's the problem??  Well, he has a tendency to be lazy and when things get hard, he doesn't want to work through it or push through it.  He starts whining and saying that he can't do it, doesn't know how to do it, etc etc

 

He spent a lot of time whining this morning bc he couldn't figure out a problem in Word Problems (SM).  Well, once I sat down with him, it took one picture and 30 seconds for him to get an answer. 

 

I am really worried that getting good test results will even further move him away from working hard, since he might start thinking how smart he is.  Especially, since my IL's think that he is "baby Einstein" are are ready to throw a parade in his honor.

 

What should I do?  My main goals for homeschooling and general parenting are to raise kids who know how to work hard and smart, who are not lazy, who know how to persevere and not give up and who love to learn.

 

I think I am doing it all wrong :(

 

Help!!

[wintermom]

Play is "work" for young children. It's how they learn. They are not little adults. His whining is probably a sign that he's feeling overwhelmed. Bring the focus back to having fun while learning. 

[regentrude]

Give him the gift of appropriate challenge.

That's why I homeschool my gifted kids: I wanted them to learn how to work and to encounter challenges.

 

For an older student, this would mean more challenging schoolwork. But I notice from your sig that your DS is only six. At that age, I'd focus on exposing him to lots of interesting concepts, nurturing curiosity, giving him time to mature - along with high expectations. But I would not push seat work. Dealing with challenges and learning perseverance happens in daily life as well.

 

ETA: And I'd stop testing.

[cera2]

First, I wouldn't tell him what the results are.  There is no reason he needs to know at 6.  I have a 10 year old in a 6th grade self contained gifted program and she doesn't know her actual scores (just that her tests showed she needed more of a challenge).  

 

Second, the number one issue we have had is teaching perseverance since most things just aren't hard for her.  We have had to branch out to find ways to actively teach this skill.  She runs with me at a local track and is up to a 5k, she stacks firewood, etc.  They aren't academic challenges but the ability to work through a challenge is the ability to work through a challenge and I have already seen it translate to academics on the rare occasion she is faced with something that she has to think to accomplish.

[SereneHome]

I know he is only 6 (well, he'll be 7 in a few weeks), but here is the thing - I was him.  I did fairly well in early school years and bc of that I never learned how to study, I never learn how to push through things.  It cost me dearly later in life and it was MUCH harder to learn those habits as I got older.

 

I want to spare him that. 

 

It's not just school.  The same thing happened in his swimming class.  One class his teacher pushed him a little harder and he didn't want to go back.  I "gently" insisted that he did and he was fine afterwards, but his initial reaction was not to go back.

 

Give him the gift of appropriate challenge.

 

 

 

 

I would love for you to elaborate on that and give me ideas and suggestions

[Arcadia]

One class his teacher pushed him a little harder and he didn't want to go back. I "gently" insisted that he did and he was fine afterwards, but his initial reaction was not to go back.

Just continue doing that in other aspects as well.

 

Most kids his age (and adults too) would choose the path of least resistance. My kids have areas that they are weaker at. I even had "the little engine that could" poster in the bathroom when they were younger because DS9 used to say "I can't" very often.

 

He doesn't need to know his test results and your in-laws do not need to know his exact test results either. However it is possible for kids to know their results are good and at the same time know that there are always people with better results out there. Let your kid enjoy his results as long as it doesn't get into his head.

 

Cultivating a good work ethic in our kids takes time.

[prairiewindmomma]

SIX.  He is SIX.  He is not you. He is his own person, with his own personality, and his own sets of strengths and weaknesses. Deep breath.  The things you are worried about are skills one typically develops in the middle school years or high school even.  

 

Test scores are just that, numbers on a piece of paper.  I have (at least) three "gifted" kids (whatever that means). 

 

Gently work on task persistence, but he is at the "school at elbow" phase that SWB lectures about. It is expected that he will need you to sit by his side, helping him, regardless of whatever his WISC or IQ scores are.  Academic potential is very different than executive functioning skill level.

 

It is a very rare young child who thrives on hard or boring.  Keep school fun. Build those fundamentals. RELAX!

[SJ.]

I know he is only 6 (well, he'll be 7 in a few weeks), but here is the thing - I was him.  I did fairly well in early school years and bc of that I never learned how to study, I never learn how to push through things.  It cost me dearly later in life and it was MUCH harder to learn those habits as I got older.

 

I want to spare him that. 

 

It's not just school.  The same thing happened in his swimming class.  One class his teacher pushed him a little harder and he didn't want to go back.  I "gently" insisted that he did and he was fine afterwards, but his initial reaction was not to go back.

 

 

I would love for you to elaborate on that and give me ideas and suggestions

 

 This was me also and I see it in my oldest son.  He is a very smart boy but every time something is difficult or he makes a mistake he decides he "can't" and he "hates" that particular thing.  

 

What helped me help my son:

- Always encouraging him

- Explaining the benefits of making mistakes and working hard

- Giving examples of people who have worked hard and had many failings before success

- Showing him how far he has come when he is discouraged,  "Remember when you couldn't do X, now that is easy!  Soon this will be easy        

      too if you keep working hard"

- Not letting him give up but letting him take a break to recenter himself (sometimes that break may be a week or more)

- Telling him if school is easy enough that he automatically knows the answer then we are working at the wrong level

- Being involved in gymnastics where there is always a new skill to master and something to do better

- Reading Carol Dweck's book Mindset   ** Highly recommend! **

 

You need to keep in mind that your son is a little boy and he is not lazy.  He needs to be given the tools to learn how to deal with making mistakes, taking chances, and to keep going when things get difficult.

 

ETA: Also, not everything needs to be a challenge.  Relax and enjoy your son.   :)

[regentrude]

I know he is only 6 (well, he'll be 7 in a few weeks), but here is the thing - I was him.  I did fairly well in early school years and bc of that I never learned how to study, I never learn how to push through things.  It cost me dearly later in life and it was MUCH harder to learn those habits as I got older.

 

I want to spare him that. 

 

I would love for you to elaborate on that and give me ideas and suggestions

 

I understand. But I do not think the time is now.  He will learn how to study if you increase the expectations and the level of school work in such a way that he needs to study, when it is developmentally appropriate. I am not a proponent of ramped up academics in the elementary years. I find a good time to increase the challenge to be the transition to middle grades, around 5th grade. Before that, I would reward a fast learner with lots of free time to explore and strive to keep school fun and interesting.

 

It is in the the middle grades when I would make sure academic expectations grow, instead of falling into the several year slump that is so typical for public schools in this country.

 

Another aspect of the not wanting to try when pushed may be perfectionism. He may be afraid to fail (or whatever he perceives as failing). I am very familiar with this. Overcoming this is a life long process that is aided through gentle encouragement, but I don't think pushing is productive. Maturity and many different experiences help .

[go_go_gadget]

Like you, this is the main reason we homeschool. Like you, I coasted through school and only later learned (rather, am still learning now as a math grad student) how to work hard. I promised myself that wouldn't happen to my kids, and worried whenever things happened like what you've described. 

 

What I've found, though, is that the biggest factor in their work ethic is my being open and honest about how things were for me, and my wanting it to be better for them. When my oldest started to realize that he was working ahead of some of his older friends and questioned why he needed to work hard if he was ahead, I was very frank and detail-specific in describing the challenges I've had. He knows that I give him what I think is an appropriate level of challenging work, and he also knows that I'm open to discussion if he feels my assessment is off. This is a collaboration, because ultimately, this is his process, not mine. My younger one hasn't challenged me on this yet, but has been around for the discussions I've had with her brother, so she knows the lay of the land.

 

Because perfectionism is the enemy of the bright kid's work ethic, I also find modelling very effective. When one of mine is stuck on a problem, I try to remember to think out loud, and point out when my line of thinking turned out to be faulty, exploring why I'd made the mistake and why it was a mistake. I took a final a month ago and realized I'd done a problem entirely incorrectly, despite my knowing how to it correctly and practicing it. I told my kids explicitly about it, and how I was afraid it had cost me my A (it hadn't, as it turned out). So they see me make mistakes, dust myself off, and keep going. This is especially easy because I'm a student, but mistakes are not exclusive to students. 

 

An hour and a half is too long for a six year-old to struggle with something. It's frustrating to see a kid not do or get something that you know should be easy for them, and the thing that feels obvious to do is to make them battle it out, but with with young kids, it's much more effective to let them struggle a little, then step in and work through it together (ask me how I know).

 

I didn't discuss the work ethic thing with mine until my oldest asked, which was when he was nine-ish. I don't think there's much utility in trying to force an academic work ethic on a very young child like yours, but I think the odd academic challenge coupled with non-academic challenges like the swimming are fine. At this point, I wouldn't frame it to myself as trying to build his work ethic yet, but instead as setting the stage for building work ethic later. Keep up the occasional challenges, but let him mature a bit before taking it further.

[lllll]

nm

[desertflower]

I know he is only 6 (well, he'll be 7 in a few weeks), but here is the thing - I was him.  I did fairly well in early school years and bc of that I never learned how to study, I never learn how to push through things.  It cost me dearly later in life and it was MUCH harder to learn those habits as I got older.

 

I want to spare him that. 

 

It's not just school.  The same thing happened in his swimming class.  One class his teacher pushed him a little harder and he didn't want to go back.  I "gently" insisted that he did and he was fine afterwards, but his initial reaction was not to go back.

 

 

I would love for you to elaborate on that and give me ideas and suggestions

 

You have been given some great advice here.  :)  I don't have the answer to your problem since I haven't been there done that, but here are a couple of things I do to challenge my son.

 

My son loves math and puzzles. He is flying through SM.  He used to complain that it was too easy and didn't know where math was headed.  During those times, I would put a problem on the board that he couldn't solve.  I would explain that you would need this to figure out how to build a building or a bridge, etc.  At this point in time, I'm reading Beast Academy 3B to him or we do problems from Primary Grade Challenge Math by Zacarro.  I'm thinking about getting the practice books soon.  He hasn't complained that it's too easy in a while, but he's still flying through SM.

 

I also have balance benders from the critical thinking company.  He finished the first book (had some problems the last few pages).  I just bought the 2nd one.  I think the books from the CTC are challenging for him. 

 

I also read aloud above his grade level.  We just finished A Wind in the Door which is a sequel to A Wrinkle in Time.  We are now reading Jack's Insects (I think that's the title) from simply charlotte mason which I think is for 4th graders. 

 

I also start things about a year earlier.  (At least I'm trying to.  :) )  For example, the No Stress Chess game I think is for 6 and up.  We got it when he was 5 1/2.  He played it twice and wanted to play grown up chess.  lol   I can't keep up!  It's a good thing I have 2 other ones. 

 

Also, this thread may be of interest to you http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/467812-developing-advanced-reading-skills/. Like someone said our children are young, but this thread may help ease your mind a bit.  It helped me.  :) 

 

I hope this helps!  I'll be listening in too.

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Please do listen to regentrude. We get the wrong end of stick in the USA, driving our littlest children toward "Excellence! Excellence! Excellence!" as an abstract concept that they don't really understand, but they are aware it means, "Work hard. This is not fun. Watch for your numbers on tests and your gold stars to tell you that you are SMART." And then the early elementary developmental stage -- the desire to be people-pleasers -- fades. They lose interest in gold stars and teachers' smiles, and begin to smell a rat. They slouch through middle school, worn out and under-educated, lacking drive and skills to excel in high school. Then they grow up to feel as you do, that they got off to a great start but obviously have a character flaw because they didn't continue throughout life to be people pleasers who jump through hoops for gold stars. That's not right, though. That's not really how people grow.

 

We can do the flat opposite at home. I've done it. It's worth it. It's great. Someone should have taught you to move into the next level of setting your own goals and seeing them through. Someone should have trained you in executive function skills, study methods, goal setting, recordkeeping...you weren't ever supposed to get it automatically. It's part of teaching children properly, this transitioning toward the next phase.

 

But back to the little ones, like your 6yo: Instead of driving young children toward rigor, draw them toward delight.

 

They want to learn. They want to see, taste, hear, smell, handle, and KNOW everything. Capitalize on that desire, provide good food, watch for fatigue and leave them wanting more, and join in their absolute joy of discovery. This is possible in every school subject at home, because we can choose quality materials, utilize appropriate pedagogy, and tailor our lesson times to our particular students. What gifts are these!

 

Now, when fireworks are not going off and nobody is jumping up and down with delight, that's part of it, too...but the response to the "down" moments is not clucking disapproval. No. On those days go for gentle, kind, consistency. Never let the bar fall below kind consistency and steady progress. Let the line jump UP to delight but do not let it fall down to the slogging level, ever, in these early years. When you sense that's about to happen, realize that learning time is over for now and put the books away. This is how you keep the upper hand as your child's teacher. Watch him, even more than you watch your schedule, and make the most of good learning times so that you will feel good about breaks when they're obviously needed.

 

This is how you grow a learner. This is how you grow a work ethic. As he matures in every way, you may require more and he will rise up to meet it. Consequences, punishments, cause and effect, speeches about grit -- if there's ever a time for those, it is not now. That sort of talk is for your recalcitrant tween or teen on days when you've run out of tools, and it's not even the best approach then, but you'll probably do it sometimes because we all do. It's a helpless reaction. But the more you can keep joy and exploration on the table, the longer his love of learning will remain.

 

 

[EmseB]

Please do listen to regentrude. We get the wrong end of stick in the USA, driving our littlest children toward "Excellence! Excellence! Excellence!" as an abstract concept that they don't really understand, but they are aware it means, "Work hard. This is not fun. Watch for your numbers on tests and your gold stars to tell you that you are SMART." And then the early elementary developmental stage -- the desire to be people-pleasers -- fades. They lose interest in gold stars and teachers' smiles, and begin to smell a rat. They slouch through middle school, worn out and under-educated, lacking drive and skills to excel in high school. Then they grow up to feel as you do, that they got off to a great start but obviously have a character flaw because they didn't continue throughout life to be people pleasers who jump through hoops for gold stars. That's not right, though. That's not really how people grow.

 

We can do the flat opposite at home. I've done it. It's worth it. It's great. Someone should have taught you to move into the next level of setting your own goals and seeing them through. Someone should have trained you in executive function skills, study methods, goal setting, recordkeeping...you weren't ever supposed to get it automatically. It's part of teaching children properly, this transitioning toward the next phase.

 

But back to the little ones, like your 6yo: Instead of driving young children toward rigor, draw them toward delight.

 

They want to learn. They want to see, taste, hear, smell, handle, and KNOW everything. Capitalize on that desire, provide good food, watch for fatigue and leave them wanting more, and join in their absolute joy of discovery. This is possible in every school subject at home, because we can choose quality materials, utilize appropriate pedagogy, and tailor our lesson times to our particular students. What gifts are these!

 

Now, when fireworks are not going off and nobody is jumping up and down with delight, that's part of it, too...but the response to the "down" moments is not clucking disapproval. No. On those days go for gentle, kind, consistency. Never let the bar fall below kind consistency and steady progress. Let the line jump UP to delight but do not let it fall down to the slogging level, ever, in these early years. When you sense that's about to happen, realize that learning time is over for now and put the books away. This is how you keep the upper hand as your child's teacher. Watch him, even more than you watch your schedule, and make the most of good learning times so that you will feel good about breaks when they're obviously needed.

 

This is how you grow a learner. This is how you grow a work ethic. As he matures in every way, you may require more and he will rise up to meet it. Consequences, punishments, cause and effect, speeches about grit -- if there's ever a time for those, it is not now. That sort of talk is for your recalcitrant tween or teen on days when you've run out of tools, and it's not even the best approach then, but you'll probably do it sometimes because we all do. It's a helpless reaction. But the more you can keep joy and exploration on the table, the longer his love of learning will remain.

 

This thread is so great for me, but the first paragraph especially.  I'm going to print this out and put it on my bulletin board.

[quark]

I know he is only 6 (well, he'll be 7 in a few weeks), but here is the thing - I was him.  I did fairly well in early school years and bc of that I never learned how to study, I never learn how to push through things.  It cost me dearly later in life and it was MUCH harder to learn those habits as I got older.

 

I want to spare him that. 

 

It's not just school.  The same thing happened in his swimming class.  One class his teacher pushed him a little harder and he didn't want to go back.  I "gently" insisted that he did and he was fine afterwards, but his initial reaction was not to go back.

 

 

I would love for you to elaborate on that and give me ideas and suggestions

 

When my son was 6 to about 9yo and even now sometimes at almost-teen, he really enjoyed teaching me. I gladly switch roles with him because teaching is such a wonderful skill and involves so much more than just learning a concept. I sometimes ask him the simplest, most basic questions and he has to adjust his method to include definitions, jokes, examples (and visual cues because he now knows how much of a visual person I am) to help me learn it more efficiently. Would your son enjoy something like that? If he does, then this is your chance to role model a good work ethic in a very delight-oriented, play-oriented way. Listen to what he is teaching, ask questions, show him you don't give up. Give him opportunities to teach as often as you can. Show him what it means through your own attitude towards learning and as others have said, make it fun, play-based, puzzle-based. The habits are much easier to teach when a child loves to learn so choose teaching activities in those areas that he loves.

 

[SereneHome]

I keep re-reading my OP and keep wondering why is everyone thinks that I am pushing him so hard or that I put so much value on any test.

 

I tested him mostly for myself, to get a gauge of where he is - it just so happened that he asked for the results and I told him.

 

He does an hour of work/day at the most and it would actually be even less if I didn't get interrupted by his brothers.

 

I came from a country that didn't start school until 7 and you weren't expected to know anything at that point, not even your letters or numbers, so this whole idea that "we in USA" doesn't really apply to me at all.  One of the reasons we homeschool is bc I very much liked how the education system was structured where I am from.

 

I told him many times that I really don't care if he gets the math problems, etc - I just don't want him to give up the second things get hard.

 

Yes, I shouldn't have told him the test results, but that's just one day.  My IL's have been calling him "baby Einstein" literally since the day we brought him home from the hospital. 

 

Anyway, I shouldn't have mentioned anything about the test and just ask for ideas on how to ensure that a child learns to push through and challenge himself and how to teach work ethics, etc

[Arcadia]

My IL's have been calling him "baby Einstein" literally since the day we brought him home from the hospital.

Is he the oldest grandchild?

My MIL called my DS10 (5th grandchild) the little emperor since he was born. No harm done as in the nickname did not affect DS10 in any way.

 

Work ethic is picked up by kids by modeling. I was too tired to grade my DS10's work the other day and he gave me a nagging. I made myself a jug of coffee and grade his work there and then. My hubby practice the same piano piece every evening for months until our kids can hum the tune in their sleep. That piano piece sounds close to perfect now in terms of technique.

 

Things like taking care of things borrowed like library books or toys and making sure they are returned promptly to the lenders. Leaving the house on time or early so as not to be late for classes/events.

 

We just keep reminding our kids that when they make a commitment, they should follow through. For example DS9 committed to practicing his flute properly for at least 20mins per day this year. Unless he is sick, he would do it. I would have to nag him when he was younger but now I could just list it down in his daily tasks as a reminder.

 

When I am in an impatient mood, I just have to remember that Rome is not built in one day. Work ethics and leaderships skills will come in time. I was a latchkey kid and some skill set came earlier due to necessity.

 

My boys do have their white flag moments. We go by live to fight another day. So they take a break and tackle the problem again after a good night's sleep or a relaxing dinner or ice-cream.

 

ETA:

On the love to learn part. My hubby and I have things we love to learn that doesn't come with any consequences. I learnt the flute and violin as an undergrad, totally for leisure. My hubby learnt German as a 3rd language for leisure/non-credit as an undergrad.

My kids are learning cello now at their own pace. As long as they put in effort we are happy. No ABRSM exams to clear like it was for hubby and me.

 

There were exams hubby and I needed to ace to get into our own country's top university which is highly ranked internationally. We may love the subjects but we don't love the exams. The exams were a means to an end. The calculus, physics, chemistry and biology we learned in high school are still much loved.

 

We both loved school bands (orchestra and matching band) which is partially why our house has plenty of musical instruments. We had some great music instructors along the way in public school 1st-12th.

[Doodlebug]

Please do listen to regentrude. We get the wrong end of stick in the USA, driving our littlest children toward "Excellence! Excellence! Excellence!" as an abstract concept that they don't really understand, but they are aware it means, "Work hard. This is not fun. Watch for your numbers on tests and your gold stars to tell you that you are SMART." And then the early elementary developmental stage -- the desire to be people-pleasers -- fades. They lose interest in gold stars and teachers' smiles, and begin to smell a rat. They slouch through middle school, worn out and under-educated, lacking drive and skills to excel in high school. Then they grow up to feel as you do, that they got off to a great start but obviously have a character flaw because they didn't continue throughout life to be people pleasers who jump through hoops for gold stars. That's not right, though. That's not really how people grow.

 

We can do the flat opposite at home. I've done it. It's worth it. It's great. Someone should have taught you to move into the next level of setting your own goals and seeing them through. Someone should have trained you in executive function skills, study methods, goal setting, recordkeeping...you weren't ever supposed to get it automatically. It's part of teaching children properly, this transitioning toward the next phase.

 

But back to the little ones, like your 6yo: Instead of driving young children toward rigor, draw them toward delight.

 

They want to learn. They want to see, taste, hear, smell, handle, and KNOW everything. Capitalize on that desire, provide good food, watch for fatigue and leave them wanting more, and join in their absolute joy of discovery. This is possible in every school subject at home, because we can choose quality materials, utilize appropriate pedagogy, and tailor our lesson times to our particular students. What gifts are these!

 

Now, when fireworks are not going off and nobody is jumping up and down with delight, that's part of it, too...but the response to the "down" moments is not clucking disapproval. No. On those days go for gentle, kind, consistency. Never let the bar fall below kind consistency and steady progress. Let the line jump UP to delight but do not let it fall down to the slogging level, ever, in these early years. When you sense that's about to happen, realize that learning time is over for now and put the books away. This is how you keep the upper hand as your child's teacher. Watch him, even more than you watch your schedule, and make the most of good learning times so that you will feel good about breaks when they're obviously needed.

 

This is how you grow a learner. This is how you grow a work ethic. As he matures in every way, you may require more and he will rise up to meet it. Consequences, punishments, cause and effect, speeches about grit -- if there's ever a time for those, it is not now. That sort of talk is for your recalcitrant tween or teen on days when you've run out of tools, and it's not even the best approach then, but you'll probably do it sometimes because we all do. It's a helpless reaction. But the more you can keep joy and exploration on the table, the longer his love of learning will remain.

Gosh. I'm just a mom with one third grader, but my soul says "this is gold."

 

Print worthy!

[kateingr]

For me, the book Mindset was transformative in helping me learn how to persevere through challenges, and it's helped me learn how to encourage my kids to focus on practice and hard work rather than their innate talents.  I recently wrote a full review of Mindset as well as some suggestions on how to apply the book to homeschool, if you're interested. 

 

Beast Academy has also had a huge impact on my (also lazy) son--he's gone from getting really frustrated when math was hard to actually relishing hard problems. Definitely a program to consider when your son is a little older. 

[SereneHome]

Please do listen to regentrude. We get the wrong end of stick in the USA, driving our littlest children toward "Excellence! Excellence! Excellence!" as an abstract concept that they don't really understand, but they are aware it means, "Work hard. This is not fun. Watch for your numbers on tests and your gold stars to tell you that you are SMART." And then the early elementary developmental stage -- the desire to be people-pleasers -- fades. They lose interest in gold stars and teachers' smiles, and begin to smell a rat. They slouch through middle school, worn out and under-educated, lacking drive and skills to excel in high school. Then they grow up to feel as you do, that they got off to a great start but obviously have a character flaw because they didn't continue throughout life to be people pleasers who jump through hoops for gold stars. That's not right, though. That's not really how people grow.

 

We can do the flat opposite at home. I've done it. It's worth it. It's great. Someone should have taught you to move into the next level of setting your own goals and seeing them through. Someone should have trained you in executive function skills, study methods, goal setting, recordkeeping...you weren't ever supposed to get it automatically. It's part of teaching children properly, this transitioning toward the next phase.

 

But back to the little ones, like your 6yo: Instead of driving young children toward rigor, draw them toward delight.

 

They want to learn. They want to see, taste, hear, smell, handle, and KNOW everything. Capitalize on that desire, provide good food, watch for fatigue and leave them wanting more, and join in their absolute joy of discovery. This is possible in every school subject at home, because we can choose quality materials, utilize appropriate pedagogy, and tailor our lesson times to our particular students. What gifts are these!

 

Now, when fireworks are not going off and nobody is jumping up and down with delight, that's part of it, too...but the response to the "down" moments is not clucking disapproval. No. On those days go for gentle, kind, consistency. Never let the bar fall below kind consistency and steady progress. Let the line jump UP to delight but do not let it fall down to the slogging level, ever, in these early years. When you sense that's about to happen, realize that learning time is over for now and put the books away. This is how you keep the upper hand as your child's teacher. Watch him, even more than you watch your schedule, and make the most of good learning times so that you will feel good about breaks when they're obviously needed.

 

This is how you grow a learner. This is how you grow a work ethic. As he matures in every way, you may require more and he will rise up to meet it. Consequences, punishments, cause and effect, speeches about grit -- if there's ever a time for those, it is not now. That sort of talk is for your recalcitrant tween or teen on days when you've run out of tools, and it's not even the best approach then, but you'll probably do it sometimes because we all do. It's a helpless reaction. But the more you can keep joy and exploration on the table, the longer his love of learning will remain.

 

Are you speaking about me personally?

[wapiti]

My goal would be to get him to challenge himself for the enjoyment of doing so.  As a practical matter, this means that the challenges should be as fun as possible, individual puzzle games especially, as well as multi-person strategy games.  These activities tend to be more fun when done together, especially with a parent.

 

For example, I notice that my younger kids always want me to help them put together jigsaw puzzles, so I "help" them get started as little as possible, talking my way through out loud, and when the time is right I excuse myself to go do something (I'll be right back! LOL) so that they finish themselves.  Once they are hooked on the pursuit of the challenge and not feeling overwhelmed, they will see it through.  The same method may help with math problems, especially those that are in the BA/AoPS style; sit together with a big white board and talk it through out loud, together, keeping it short and fun.

[Mystie]

 

It's not just school.  The same thing happened in his swimming class.  One class his teacher pushed him a little harder and he didn't want to go back.  I "gently" insisted that he did and he was fine afterwards, but his initial reaction was not to go back.

 

 

 

 

Yes. This is what you do, over and over again, for years. By the time he's 12ish and you've been there, alongside him, insisting he do the work that's appropriate, you'll start to see it becoming internalized, slowly and still with setbacks.

 

At least, that's where we are now. :)

[SereneHome]

Yes. This is what you do, over and over again, for years. By the time he's 12ish and you've been there, alongside him, insisting he do the work that's appropriate, you'll start to see it becoming internalized, slowly and still with setbacks.

 

At least, that's where we are now. :)

 

I really hope so! 

 

While I don't think he is "baby Einstein" but I do think he has a great potential and it would break my heart to see it wasted due to lack of trying or not working at it.

[SereneHome]

My goal would be to get him to challenge himself for the enjoyment of doing so.  As a practical matter, this means that the challenges should be as fun as possible, individual puzzle games especially, as well as multi-person strategy games.  These activities tend to be more fun when done together, especially with a parent.

 

For example, I notice that my younger kids always want me to help them put together jigsaw puzzles, so I "help" them get started as little as possible, talking my way through out loud, and when the time is right I excuse myself to go do something (I'll be right back! LOL) so that they finish themselves.  Once they are hooked on the pursuit of the challenge and not feeling overwhelmed, they will see it through.  The same method may help with math problems, especially those that are in the BA/AoPS style; sit together with a big white board and talk it through out loud, together, keeping it short and fun.

 

That's exactly what happened this morning with his math problem.  I sat down, started drawing pictures on the board and seconds later he took away the chalk and finished it himself.  I was like "WTH???, why couldn't you do that before??"

 

Yes, whoever said something about "elbow stage" - I need to re-read this in WTM.....

[Momto4inSoCal]

I just finished the book Why Don't Students Like School and it outlines exactly what sadie said. Telling kids they are smart is actually detrimental to them. Kids need to be praised for the effort they put forward rather than being told they did well because they are smart. All of the people we consider experts and intelligent people had to study and work for their intelligence and treating kids like they move forward because they are smart rather than because they worked to learn the information sends the wrong message. It's a really good book and I highly recommend it. The author is a cognitive scientist and gives great advice on how the mind works. 

[Mystie]

I really hope so! 

 

While I don't think he is "baby Einstein" but I do think he has a great potential and it would break my heart to see it wasted due to lack of trying or not working at it.

 

I know that fear intimately! Been there, still there, working really hard at making sure it doesn't happen. 

 

It helps to have a couple people who can tell you if your expectations are reasonable, and then to hold the line that the work be done. Be a brick wall to the arguing, tears, whatever. After they do the work, I point out, "Was that as bad as you thought it would be?" "Which took more time, doing the work or trying to get out of the work?" 

 

 

 

Myself and my oldest two definitely fall into that category of being lazy and not wanting to put out the effort. We're all growing out of it, slowly and surely. 10 was the hardest phase (so far) with my oldest, but I drew lines (check out the current thread "Another Loop Schedule Thread" for more about that) and I'm now starting to see fruit. My oldest is almost 12, and he is quite self-directed. I always check everything, daily, so he knows he's not going to slip shoddy work past me (that's what I did as a homeschooled kid - my mom never looked at my stuff, so I wasn't really trying). 

[Guest aotientieat]

His whining is probably a sign that he's feeling overwhelmed. 

[tm919]

I just finished the book Why Don't Students Like School and it outlines exactly what sadie said. Telling kids they are smart is actually detrimental to them. Kids need to be praised for the effort they put forward rather than being told they did well because they are smart. All of the people we consider experts and intelligent people had to study and work for their intelligence and treating kids like they move forward because they are smart rather than because they worked to learn the information sends the wrong message. It's a really good book and I highly recommend it. The author is a cognitive scientist and gives great advice on how the mind works. 

I've tried to do this because my husband was just like some others here -- he didn't need to work hard as a young child, so when the moment came to put forth effort, he didn't know how (his words, not mine, I think he means that he just would not persist at something that really did take hard work for him). It affected his whole life, and it's one of the reasons he pushed me to teach the kids at home even if they go to public/private school during the day.

 

Like research suggests, I compliment my daughters on their persistence or hard work, not on being "smart." I do find though that it has some issues as an approach because many children are constantly told how smart they are. Children who don't get those messages might feel lacking. My older daughter works years ahead but thinks she's average and needs to work hard just to keep up. I know another child whose parents don't use "smart" as a compliment and he was told by a bully at school he was "stupid" -- and believed it.

 

That's all a long way of saying that I've found this hard -- to never use the "smart" praise while still raising a self-confident child surrounded by other children who identify themselves as "smart." I don't want my daughters to have my husband's experience, but I also cringe to see them thinking they are really behind others.

[luuknam]

My IL's have been calling him "baby Einstein" literally since the day we brought him home from the hospital.

 

Could you explain to your in-laws that you don't like that nickname and ask them to find something different?

[SereneHome]

Could you explain to your in-laws that you don't like that nickname and ask them to find something different?

 

No, we have horrible relationship and they pretty much told me that I have no say in what they do/say/give to the kids.  So....

 

[City Mouse]

My DD20 is one who would (and stll does some times) give up on tasks that she feels are too difficult. Her issue was not fear of failure but more but more like she didn't want to expend the energy required to acomplish a certain task. I like a pp suggestion of teaching perseverence through non-academic tasks. Tae Kwon Do was great for my kids. The suggestion of jigsaw puzzles or math puzzles sounds good. Even video games could help with developing perseverence.

 

On the other hand, I have worked with many children (usually a bit older than yours though) who have learned that if they wait long enough, someone will come to their "rescue" and complete the task for them or "help" them complete the task. So, maybe when he is having trouble with an academic task, put that specific task or problem aside. Move on to something else, and come back to that problem later.

[FO4UR]

#1 - He is YOUR child. You, most certainly, CAN tell your IL's to refrain from saying and doing inappropriate things to and/or with your children.  Calling him Little Einstein is (probably) not meant to do any harm, but from his perspective (he will be 12, 13....17yo someday) it's setting up an unnecessary struggle.  (Plus, it might be "Little Einstein" at 6yo and some very serious things down the road...do not allow a paradigm where anyone has the power in the relationship to completely disregard Mom & Dad.)

 

My MIL once grabbed a newborn baby out of my arms. She was crying for mommy-milk, and I calmly explained once. Then I allowed MIL to see the Momma Bear for a split second.  That was all it took.  I'm generally soft-spoken and during family visits I'm very go-with-the-flow, but when the needs of my child are disregarded I'm not so nice.  A few hundred miles of highway are a blessing.

 

 

#2 - He's 6.  He still needs the picture.  It's a developmental thing.  Soon, he will be able to draw his own picture.  Eventually, he will be visualizing the picture in his head.  Go with it, at his pace.  You can encourage progress by asking him how he might draw the picture instead of outright drawing for him.  If he whines though, it's more likely b/c he can't instead of he won't.  Give him time.

 

Also, you can break up a word problem, asking him to draw at each point.  It might be that he just doesn't know where to start, and breaking it up will help him take things one step at  a time.

 

 

#3 - Don't tell your son or the IL's about any more test scores.  It can produce both pride and a greater fear of failure in your ds.  It can be fodder for unrealistic expectations from your IL's upon your ds.  I even hear in your posts, "He's so smart.  I don't want to waste it" sort of sentiment.  That comes from a caring place, but all of a sudden there is more pressure on you to teach him.  Yet, he's the same kid he was the day before he took the test.  All that is different is the pressure.  Pressure creates fear.  Fear disrupts learning.

 

 

#4 - Have confidence in your ability and determination to teach your dc.  Focus on feeding their minds and souls.  A smart kid is going to do fine with academics if you simply let go of the pressure and teach from a peaceful place.  What he needs is life-giving, soul-feeding, fascinating stories and work.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kerileanne99]

No, we have horrible relationship and they pretty much told me that I have no say in what they do/say/give to the kids. So....

 

I have a very accelerated, clever dd5. Since she was tiny and reading out the grocery list at the stor for me before she could run, she has heard the peanut gallery comments of words like 'smart, genius, etc.'. I found that you cannot control what other people say within earshot of the kiddo. Instead I started reflexively saying, "yes, but more importantly she is a hard worker." I don't even have to say it to my dd...she just hears it often in conversation and I truly believe it makes a huge difference. I have heard her say the same thing several times when she thinks I am not there. The other day at the bank when she added up a deposit for me In line, I heard a women ask her age and tell her she was a 'genius'. Ugh, I HATE that, but I was very proud when my dd turned to her and said "Thanks, but I am a hard worker!"

[Tranquility7]

Great question. I think I was much like you, and my DS seems similar to yours too. Everything in school came easy to me and I never learned to work hard and persevere... If something took too much work, I just didn't bother with it. For me, those "hard" things were never in the academic arena, always in the extracurricular arena, so no one ever cared if I quit them, so I always did.

 

I received great advice from a wise friend early on about DS. Figure out something that actually is hard for him (i.e., takes actual work to accomplish), and make him do it. Kindly and patiently and compassionately, of course, but unyieldingly. For DS, this was piano. I can’t tell you how completely unmusical this kid was – seriously tone deaf, I kid you not. We started Suzuki piano, and it was painful for at least the first year. As in, really, really, really hard, not only for him, but also for me as his teacher! But honestly, our BEST conversations about hard work and perseverance and compassion and life happened AT the piano. He has grown SO MUCH as a person from this experience. He shed a lot of tears that first year, but we talked about what it felt like to be discouraged and frustrated, and we would talk about the books DH read him about soldiers and how those soldiers probably felt that way on the battlefield too. And how would we like it if those soldiers had just given up when it was hard and stopped fighting for freedom and justice? And who knows what the Lord might call him to one day where he will need to be strong and courageous even when he doesn’t feel like it? And so we must “soldier onâ€!

 

Also, we had excellent conversations about how the frustrations he encountered at the piano were the same exact frustrations that some kids face when they are learning to read or do math or sit still in church. I would remind him that the way he was feeling now is the way some kids feel every day when faced with reading a book. Would he like it if anyone ever said something unkind to him about not being able to play piano well and about it taking so long to learn? And so we would talk about how everyone has different gifts and different struggles, and the importance of compassion and empathy for kids struggling with different things, because now that he was faced with some struggling himself, he finally understood a little bit of what it is like.

 

I will say, the emphasis and goal in our piano lessons was never actually playing it “right†or “beautifullyâ€. I told him I didn’t even care if he played it right. What I cared about was his listening to me (or his teacher), making a genuine effort even when he was discouraged and frustrated, and making an effort to express himself to me appropriately when he was struggling (no fits). I didn’t mind sitting at the piano with him for 20 minutes and having 18 of those minutes be discussion about discouragement and perseverance if that was what he needed at the time. And sometimes it was.

 

Another thing I have learned along the way is the importance of praising *hard work* as opposed to praising *accomplishment*. DS is surrounded by people who will gladly ooh and ahh at his academic accomplishments, none of which actually took much work. But if he works hard at something, DH and I make sure we praise his hard work, even if he didn’t accomplish his goal (whether it is swimming across the pool, putting hands together on a new piano piece, or whatever).

 

And one last thing… he has learned to play piano beautifully along the way. And it has become, without doubt, one of his absolute favorite things to do. I am convinced that this is because it did NOT come easy for him – everything he does at the piano he has truly earned through hard work, and that accomplishment is so much sweeter to him (and to me).

[regentrude]

Another thing I have learned along the way is the importance of praising *hard work* as opposed to praising *accomplishment*. DS is surrounded by people who will gladly ooh and ahh at his academic accomplishments, none of which actually took much work. But if he works hard at something, DH and I make sure we praise his hard work, even if he didn’t accomplish his goal (whether it is swimming across the pool, putting hands together on a new piano piece, or whatever).

I agree that this is good for young kids, but I wanted to say a word of caution: this, too, can backfire. The culture of praising hard work and effort in school over actual achievement is producing the college students I encounter every semester who argue that they should deserve a better grade "because they worked really hard". Sorry, I know it's frustrating, but working hard without result will not earn you  the higher grade.

So, it's a fine line. Effort is necessary, but students should not grow up expecting rewards for effort alone. That's not how the real world works. And somewhere between 6 and 16, that transition needs to be made.

[Tranquility7]

I agree that this is good for young kids, but I wanted to say a word of caution: this, too, can backfire. The culture of praising hard work and effort in school over actual achievement is producing the college students I encounter every semester who argue that they should deserve a better grade "because they worked really hard". Sorry, I know it's frustrating, but working hard without result will not earn you  the higher grade.

So, it's a fine line. Effort is necessary, but students should not grow up expecting rewards for effort alone. That's not how the real world works. And somewhere between 6 and 16, that transition needs to be made.

Yes, as much as we praise hard work, I totally agree with Regentrude on this, and I realize by her comment that I should have worded my original comment very differently. It isn't exactly that we praise hard work instead of accomplishment - it is that we try to praise hard work rather than intelligence or talent. Along the lines of this excellent article by the founder of Khan Academy, about the fixed mindset vs. growth mindset - The Learning Myth: Why I'll Never Tell My Son He's Smart.

[fairfarmhand]

First, he's 6. So it's not so big a deal that he fusses against hard stuff.

 

However, in the future, you will want to challenge him. He may grow the maturity to thrive on a challenge.

 

Or not.

 

He will need to hear many times in the future that your brain grows when it's hard.

 

I try to not praise a ton over school work. It's more of a matter of fact thing.

 

I hate the phrase" You're so smart."

 

I prefer to praise character. "That was kind. Way to go!"

 

"You didn't give up! Awesome. "

 

"How sharing of you to give baby some of your chocolate!"

 

For my academically talented kid, we did have some success with music. She HAD to try hard and practice. She had to develop the "Try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, Try and succeed!" muscles that academia didn't develop.

 

Also work on "It doesn't have to be perfect to be good." That may pop up soon too.

[regentrude]

Yes, as much as we praise hard work, I totally agree with Regentrude on this, and I realize by her comment that I should have worded my original comment very differently. It isn't exactly that we praise hard work instead of accomplishment - it is that we try to praise hard work rather than intelligence or talent. Along the lines of this excellent article by the founder of Khan Academy, about the fixed mindset vs. growth mindset - The Learning Myth: Why I'll Never Tell My Son He's Smart.

 

I absolutely agree with the bolded. I recall a book by Carol Dweck that centers on the fixed mindset vs growth mindset theme *(anybody remember the title?)

 

[SereneHome]

Thank you for so many excellent suggestions from so many of you!!

 

He is an interesting kid and it has been a challenge for me to find a balance between pushing and letting go, helping but allowing him to do things on his own, etc etc etc.

 

Thank you for posting your stories as well, it is so helpful and encouraging!

 

Once again you guys came through!!

[Runningmom80]

There was recently an article in the Atlantic about it, http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2015/06/the-s-word/397205/

 

Eta: meant to post regentrude's quote.

[regentrude]

 

For my academically talented kid, we did have some success with music. She HAD to try hard and practice. She had to develop the "Try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, Try and succeed!" muscles that academia didn't develop.

 

Yes, we had this experience too. Several years of piano lessons built frustration tolerance and the mindset that it is OK to make mistakes. Several years of training a horse really built perseverance for DD , a challenge that even advanced academics could not provide for her until she moved away to college.

 

[wapiti]

I'm probably repeating myself, just because this issue has been rolling around in my head for years.  I was one of those people like OP who arrived in grad school having never really studied before and I want better for my kids.

 

I have yet to read Mindset.  On the one hand, it seems obvious that smarts aren't to be praised, but on the other I would have found it helpful to understand possibilities in light of capacity for development.  In my childhood, inspiration to rise to the next challenge could have included a little more "look how high you can jump if you try really hard; isn't that cool/fun" rather than "look how quickly you jumped to the top limit available for this year (like a trained seal)."  In my mind, this would be a combination of praising effort and offering more in the most desirable light.

[fairfarmhand]

I'm probably repeating myself, just because this issue has been rolling around in my head for years.  I was one of those people like OP who arrived in grad school having never really studied before and I want better for my kids.

 

I have yet to read Mindset.  On the one hand, it seems obvious that smarts aren't to be praised, but on the other I would have found it helpful to understand possibilities in light of capacity for development.  In my childhood, inspiration to rise to the next challenge could have included a little more "look how high you can jump if you try really hard; isn't that cool/fun" rather than "look how quickly you jumped to the top limit available for this year (like a trained seal)."  In my mind, this would be a combination of praising effort and offering more in the most desirable light.

 

Yeah...I have to sort of nudge my bright kids to go a little further than they would on their own. Because failure is such a touchy thing for them.  Marker boards are great for these perfectionists. You can wipe away the evidence of a mistake. :)

[luuknam]

I received great advice from a wise friend early on about DS. Figure out something that actually is hard for him (i.e., takes actual work to accomplish), and make him do it. Kindly and patiently and compassionately, of course, but unyieldingly. For DS, this was piano.

 

Then and again, couldn't you make almost anything hard for anyone (or at least for primary school aged kids)? Sure, you could use piano or sports or w/e instead of academics, but couldn't you just as easily make the academics harder?

 

If the goal is to develop perseverance in academics, would learning perseverance in extracurriculars be as effective as learning perseverance in academics directly? (honest question, not a clue)

[Arcadia]

If the goal is to develop perseverance in academics, would learning perseverance in extracurriculars be as effective as learning perseverance in academics directly? (honest question, not a clue)

So far that life skill translates to all areas in my extended family including dealing with long term illnesses.

 

ETA:

Except for my dad and brother, all of us are "book smart" which means we have to learn to deal with failure and build up perseverance elsewhere.

[Arcadia]

I recall a book by Carol Dweck that centers on the fixed mindset vs growth mindset theme *(anybody remember the title?)

 

Mindset

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345472322/

[regentrude]

Then and again, couldn't you make almost anything hard for anyone (or at least for primary school aged kids)? Sure, you could use piano or sports or w/e instead of academics, but couldn't you just as easily make the academics harder?

 

If the goal is to develop perseverance in academics, would learning perseverance in extracurriculars be as effective as learning perseverance in academics directly? (honest question, not a clue)

 

I don't think so. You could, of course, require something that is developmentally inappropriate: a level of abstraction the young child is not capable of, a longer time spans of concentration than the young child can muster, something for which the prerequisites are not there yet (like algebra when the student has not yet studied arithmetic with fractions).

But within the developmental constraints, I think it is extremely difficult to design "harder academics" that provide the right challenge for a gifted student.

 

My DD was bored through all 6 of her ps school years, until I pulled her out. She was reading at high school level in 3rd grade, but that did not challenge her - it simply gave her something fun to do. AoPS math was interesting, but did not require truly hard work.

Her first academic experience where she had to study and work hard for success was when she took a Modern Physics class, typically taken by university students in their sophomore year, at age 16. Calc based physics 1+2 at age 15 did not require her to truly stretch herself. I do not know what kind of academics I could have thrown at her that would have challenged her in elementary school.

[HS Mom in NC]

So, I tested my oldest and we got test results back.  He did really REALLY well.  So, what's the problem??  Well, he has a tendency to be lazy and when things get hard, he doesn't want to work through it or push through it.  He starts whining and saying that he can't do it, doesn't know how to do it, etc etc

 

He spent a lot of time whining this morning bc he couldn't figure out a problem in Word Problems (SM).  Well, once I sat down with him, it took one picture and 30 seconds for him to get an answer. 

 

Is this a laziness problem or has he been accidentally taught by you to take a passive rather than an active role? SOOOOOOO many homeschoolers and teachers do it aaaaallllll the time because they're unaware of it. (This is in no way a decisive statement about your situation because there's nowhere near enough information in your post for me to know for sure if you're doing this or not.) I'm assuming this is something the child has seen demonstrated and explained well and has done successfully at least once before.  If not, the following doesn't apply.

 

Did you show him how to do it again or did you ask him things like, "What's the first step?" Then if he knows how to start, "What's the next step?" and so on. Or "How should you start?" "What type of problem is this? (Addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, etc.) "What are the key words in this problem that give you an idea of what kind of problem it is?"  "Have you done other problems like this before? What did you do then with those?"  "Where did you look in your textbook or previous work to help you figure out how to do this problem?" Those kinds of questions put the ball in the kid's court.  Always demonstrating or explaining something they've done before and are capable of when they whine teaches them to passive.  Asking these kinds of questions out loud is demonstrating for them how to think about a problem so they can learn to ask themselves these questions before they run to someone for help. That's taking an active roll in thinking and learning.

I wish every homeschool convention, book and blog addressed this problem specifically.

 

If you did that kind of thing already, maybe you should just stop rescuing him and stop fretting about his feelings.  So what?   He doesn't  want to do his math?  Neither did I as a kid, but it needs doing, so tell him to go do it and ignore the whining.  If you want him to be able to push through when things are challenging then you need to demonstrate to him what that looks like.  In your case it may need to be pushing him to do it even though he doesn't want to and shrugging off his and your uncomfortable emotions about it.  You can both be uncomfortable and recover from it.  I've been doing this since 2000 and I'm here to tell you those homeschool conventions and books and blogs that want you to believe if you do it right your children will always enjoy every step of the homeschooling process are scams.  Yes, we need to make a consistent effort to make things interesting, enjoyable and applicable, but sometimes when we've done that the child doesn't respond with an enthusiastic love of learning and a "can do" attitude.  They still need to do their math.  If they cry about it, well that's up to them.

 

 

I think I am doing it all wrong :(

 

I wouldn't panic at this point.  A 6 year old whining because he doesn't want to work through the steps of math problems on his own isn't a big deal,  it's a Thursday.  He clearly understood your instruction after you sat down with him and drew a picture, so there doesn't seem to me to be any indication of a learning disability or something really significant that needs to be addressed, but again your post isn't a lot to go on.

 

 

 

Help!!

 

 

 

[Dmmetler]

Then and again, couldn't you make almost anything hard for anyone (or at least for primary school aged kids)? Sure, you could use piano or sports or w/e instead of academics, but couldn't you just as easily make the academics harder?

 

If the goal is to develop perseverance in academics, would learning perseverance in extracurriculars be as effective as learning perseverance in academics directly? (honest question, not a clue)

One problem with raising academic challenge is asynchronity. In my DD10's case, at age 5-7, it would have been hard to get the academic level to be truly challenging because her motor skills didn't let her do the output independently, and if we helped too much, it wasn't her work anymore and she had no feeling of ownership. We had to find a compromise level where she could be both independent (as appropriate for her age) and at least somewhat challenged and own her results. It was much easier to find challenge for her outside of academics because there she is much less asynchronous. At 10, it's easier for her to find academic challenge that she can truly own and be independent with, but that's largely because we've been fortunate in finding mentors. At 6...that was what the tumbling gym was good for.

[Runningmom80]

This may be a very weird and rambling post, but I want to let you know that I was in your shoes a few years ago, with similar worries. I am so thankful to everyone who encouraged me to not push academics just because my child was capable.  And I don't mean push as in "sit down and do math for 3 hours!" I mean, push as in treating academia and challenge as the most important part of a 6 year old's day. (not saying you are, but I was.)  My DS is about to turn 9, and he is blossoming.  I really think we owe a lot of it to the countless hours I allowed him to play. (with many wise WTM posters encouragement!)  I worried at the onset about making sure he was "challenged," when what he really needed at 5, 6, 7 years old was TIME.  He's very quirky and dealt with a lot of focus issues early on.  Actually, they weren't even focus issues, his brain just needed to be doing something else.  There were definitely times where I bemoaned the fact that he knew the entire catalog of Lego sets, along with the dates they were released, but was "only a year ahead" in math.  I wanted so badly for him to pick a "real topic" to invest all of this brain power into, but any time I came here to try to steer him into a more academic direction, I was gently reminded on these boards (especially the Accelerated Learner board ) to follow him, which I knew deep down was the right thing to do.  I'm so very glad I've listened to the chorus of "follow YOUR child," that is sung here. 

 

It's looking like this will be his last year of elementary level materials, and I'm buckling up for what's ahead, while simultaneously looking back at where we've been.  I can't thank all of the posters who walked this road before me enough for all of the guidance in my many many posts about curriculum and academics.  What I didn't realize then is that my most important work in regards to homeschooling this kid during those early elementary years was not researching and planning, but building a solid relationship with him to be the foundation for these years ahead.  The core of our relationship is respect, and in following his lead, I feel like I respected who he was, not who I thought he should be based on his IQ or achievement scores. He deals with lots on the emotional side of "gifted," and I think I would have given up long ago had I not learned to step back and take breaks, and give hims space without challenge all the time. We've gone months without doing school, and those were some of the most productive times in his development.

 

I don't mean to sound like I've got this all figured out and that the rest will be smooth sailing, and you just need to do what I do.  Nine is still so young, and I have no idea where we are going!  It's just that I feel a lot more confident going into the pre teen years and beyond knowing that when all else fails, I can honor who and where he is in the moment, and hopefully the path will reveal itself. Of course it's important that children are appropriately challenged, but I'm no longer convinced its the MOST important, especially in early elementary.  What I am starting to believe is that kids that age will challenge themselves if they are interested, and sometimes it's not on our timeline.