Alicia64 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 My boys are both 12 and are really great people in a bunch of different ways. We've long had a tradition of reading right before sleep. Lately they've been politely kicking me out of their room saying, "We want to talk and then go to sleep." Obviously I can fix this situation by reading earlier in the evening or -- as I do -- earlier in the day. That's not the problem, but it's showing me that "my babies" are growing up and I find myself sad about it a lot. I reason w/ myself often that I want them to become strong men and not hang out at my feet like toddlers forever. I get it. But, I miss my babies. Dh doesn't get my sadness at all. He loves having older kids who ride roller coasters w/ him and go to the movies etc. etc. Of course I don't miss waking up at 3 in the morning for feedings, but I'd say I most miss that 3 or 4 or 5 or even 6 year old age. Even 7 or 8. My best friend's daughter is in college 3,000 miles away from her so I don't feel like I have a right to whine about an empty nest. I certainly don't have one, but I feel I can see it hurtling at me with tremendous speed. Also, I have a fabulous 1/4-time job, I love my dog and love taking him to dog parks. I love to bake. I have a podcast I love to listen to daily. I'm a big reader. I don't need more passions. We travel a lot and while it's exhausting, it's also fun. We moved in the last year too and that may have something to do w/ my blues. I miss my former community and friends. Please go easy on me. I saw Inside Out -- maybe a good cry is what I need. . . How do you deal w/ the sad part of kids growing up? Thanks for listening, Alley 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 I understand perfectly. My son and I spent nearly every day of our lives together. He's only an hour or so away at school, but it was an extremely emotional time when he left. Sometimes a good cry while soaking in a hot tub does the trick. It comes and goes. I am very proud that he grew up to be a sweet, kindhearted young man, but there are times when I get so depressed not having him nearby. Nowadays I deal with it by telling him to deal with the fact that his mom is a wuss who still needs to have occasional sappy phone calls and random texts describing his day to me. Just reading your sentences made me cry. . . Knowing I'm not alone is helpful. I wish I was that kind of mom who kicked her heels up when the last one left. Finally time for herself. I just don't feel like that. Alley 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Be sad, mama. (((hugs))) I went to kids' camp this past week with little dd and at one point watched her in all of her sweet innocence and thought of my college girl and just cried. They grow up. Some mamas are glad to see this happen. Some are heartbroken. I don't think you get to choose which one you are (and we are all a bit of both, truthfully). I cling to my little dd because I know that these days are coming to an end. When this part of my life of rearing young children is over, I will be very, very sad. All is not lost, but something is. I miss my sweet little boys, and my sweet little girl. I have this one little one left. If you need someone to sit in a corner and cry with you, I volunteer. It is cry-worthy, and don't let anyone try to jolly you out of your feelings. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I get it. I still have little ones, but I miss my pigtailed little princess in her dress up clothes! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I so get it! My sons are 20 and 23. I love the people they are. The teen years were my very favorite. It was incredibly hard when they started moving on. I still miss having them at home or even being able to spend time with all of us together. My 20 yo is going to be a junior in college (12 hours away) and I still get teary when he leaves to go back. My oldest drove off with his little family in a big yellow moving truck about a year ago to begin his career in the military 1400 miles away. One of the hardest days of my life. My middle son is still single, but my oldest is married, and as soon as he had a serious significant other, I completely stepped aside. That is when you have to really let go. Even though he has a nice wife and two sweet little ones (the youngest is only 1.5 weeks old), but the relationship is forever changed. It's all good, but still hard. I still have a daughter at home who is almost 18 and I just try to enjoy every minute, because I know that she will be moving on in a flash. I don't look forward to the empty nest either. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I thought this was going to be a different topic altogether. I miss my kids at different stages. I look back and it reminds me how important it is to be present in the moment. It's OK to miss the five year old boys you took to the nature center or library program. You can do that and enjoy cool new things about 12 yo boys. {{hugs}} 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I discovered recently that after 20 years, no one needs to hold my hand crossing the street any more. My oldest is 20 and off at college. My youngest is almost 9 and not needing me so much any more. I understand. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Focus on the present. It gets worse and then it gets better as one gets used to new patterns. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Mine are 10 and 13. I totally get it. Luckily they still don't seem to mind my company. I read to them during the day though. They go to bed later than I do. LOL 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Elsewhere in internetland, I recently told another mama that I never fully understood the definition of the word 'bittersweet' until I had children. I am loving the teen years, but it feels like my feelings are always just under the surface reminding me that I only have so many years left of the four of us. They are turning into such great people. I really couldn't be more proud or happy with them, but yeah, sometimes I find myself crying in the shower. You're not alone :grouphug: . 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I totally get it. My kids are 11 and 14. But I've found it serves me best to embrace and enjoy the stage we're at. My DH and I have been able to do more alone in the past 6 months than we had in years previous. My kids are funny, amazing, maddening conversationalists that I can hike and bike with now. I feel like homeschooling them has made me much more zen as they grow up. I really have gotten to enjoy every stage and age to this point and it is pure joy watching them grow up. I'm excited to see who they become. Being a mother truly is bittersweet, but I try to embrace the sweet more than the bitter. The alternative to having kids that grow up are having kids that don't grow up. Losing my father suddenly this year and having a major health scare when my kids were younger even made more more resolved to enjoy this time. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Elsewhere in internetland, I recently told another mama that I never fully understood the definition of the word 'bittersweet' until I had children. I am loving the teen years, but it feels like my feelings are always just under the surface reminding me that I only have so many years left of the four of us. They are turning into such great people. I really couldn't be more proud or happy with them, but yeah, sometimes I find myself crying in the shower. You're not alone :grouphug: . THANK YOU EVERYONE!! I guess misery does do better with company. I have a friend who's a doula and I'm all, "Hey! I need a doula to help me now going from kids to teens -- and then I definitely need a doula when they hit the college years!!" Alley 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 It's hard, isn't it. My baby is 18 now and I have plenty of weepy times. Twelve can be an awkward age for boys while they separate from mom a bit. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I understand. It's so hard to let go of those little kid years. My youngest son is heading into puberty and I keep thinking about how I don't have any more little boys. My consolation is that my adult sons are all people that I really like. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Take care of yourself so you have the strength to "help" with the grandbabies. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 You are going through a lot, with your move and missing your old friends on top of seeing your boys growing up. We have only one high schooler left at home. Six have flown the nest! It's normal and perfectly fine to be sad! I certainly have been, though I'm happy for them, too. It's a mixed bag. Whatever you're feeling is okay. Life is always changing and sometimes it feels wobbly until we adjust to the new normal. {{{hugs}}} 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 THANK YOU EVERYONE!! I guess misery does do better with company. I have a friend who's a doula and I'm all, "Hey! I need a doula to help me now going from kids to teens -- and then I definitely need a doula when they hit the college years!!" Alley You have a whole group of doulas, right here. :-) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 :grouphug: I get it. I miss mine being so little and cute. I hate to think of how few years we have left together. :crying: If we didn't homeschool, I would probably rarely see my ODD. It's hard. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 You know what kills me every time? When my youngest outgrows another favorite children's book and I go, "waaaaaaah! There's no one else who needs this book read to them (by me)!" Which is not to suggest I am willing to let go of those books yet... 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 You know what kills me every time? When my youngest outgrows another favorite children's book and I go, "waaaaaaah! There's no one else who needs this book read to them (by me)!" Which is not to suggest I am willing to let go of those books yet... I've kept all of the baby-toddler-kid books in a shelf -- I call shelves "art." And that's how it's going to stay! :) Alley 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 You know what kills me every time? When my youngest outgrows another favorite children's book and I go, "waaaaaaah! There's no one else who needs this book read to them (by me)!" Which is not to suggest I am willing to let go of those books yet... Oh, dang, Quill. You just made me cry. Sometime nobody's gonna shove Goodnight Moon and Hungry Caterpillar in my lap yet again, and I'll no longer be such close friends with Corduroy and Curious George? Now I am blinking back tears about not having to blink back tears when the Little Engine What Could (because that's what my 6yo calls it) makes it over the mountain and all the dolls and little toy clown cheer. That's going to be rough. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I've kept all of the baby-toddler-kid books in a shelf -- I call shelves "art." And that's how it's going to stay! :) Alley Me too! I have a "few". Lol. Where are those grandbabies anyway? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Oh, dang, Quill. You just made me cry. Sometime nobody's gonna shove Goodnight Moon and Hungry Caterpillar in my lap yet again, and I'll no longer be such close friends with Corduroy and Curious George? Now I am blinking back tears about not having to blink back tears when the Little Engine What Could (because that's what my 6yo calls it) makes it over the mountain and all the dolls and little toy clown cheer. That's going to be rough. True story. I know, it is hard to imagine. I'm a great de-clutterer of many things, but back off my books, man! As an adult, I have found a few of my childhood favorites through out of print book locators...and those stories are never leaving my home while I am alive and mentally competant to protest. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I see babies and toddlers at the store and just want to ball my eyes out. My "baby" is 12. I do anticipate that DS at least will be living with us until he's graduated College but it's not the same. It kind of helps to keep in mind that there will be little ones running around again but since I encourage my children to wait until they're at least 25, it's going to be awhile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 You know what kills me every time? When my youngest outgrows another favorite children's book and I go, "waaaaaaah! There's no one else who needs this book read to them (by me)!" Which is not to suggest I am willing to let go of those books yet... I always pull out "Caterpillar Spring, Butterfly Summer" when I need a good cry. :o 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 True story. I know, it is hard to imagine. I'm a great de-clutterer of many things, but back off my books, man! As an adult, I have found a few of my childhood favorites through out of print book locators...and those stories are never leaving my home while I am alive and mentally competant to protest. I could have written this post word for word. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in NY Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Meditation. That's the only reason I still have a thread of sanity left. (((Alley))), I feel ya. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I think it's harder when they are both the same age. My boys are 5 years apart, so I have a heads up. For example, my dh is out of town this week and ds2 wants me to wake him up when I go to bed and let him sleep with me for the night. At first I was not happy about it, but then, I looked at my older son, and realized that this could be the last time ds2 wants to sleep with me when daddy is gone. My older boy used to do the same thing, and honestly I don't even remember when he stopped wanting to sleep with me when his dad was gone. I do have memories of the baby in my bed and the older boy sleeping on my floor...but I can't quite remember the last time. As my boys get older, I get sort of weaned off all those small kids things. But you, poor thing, are having to do it cold turkey! :grouphug: 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LazyDazy Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Yes. This. Completely. I am so very happy for them to be growing up into fine young men. Yet I am beyond sad for me to be losing my sweet little boys. Can I have a do-over? This going too fast! Where is the pause button?! ETA: And yes, the "children's books" have now become "mom's books". :crying: 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackjackoaktree Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 wow, I still have some young ones, but I could have written this word for word. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Everyone is telling me to be excited about having more freedom and I am just missing some of it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I have been really, really struggling with this lately. My oldest is fifteen and sometimes I feel like I can't breathe...everything is moving and changing so fast. My youngest little boy is 7 and I feel like I have missed so much in the blur of so many very full days. It is SO much harder than I knew. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 This may or may not help, so take or leave it. It may help you to do a thought experiment about what it would be like if your kids would not grow up and leave home. What if they suddenly became disabled and would depend on you as adults? How would that make you feel? I find that imagining an alternative, much worse situation immediately makes me feel a whole lot of gratitude about my actual situation. That may not work for everyone, especially if you think you might start worrying about every little thing your kids do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Meditation. That's the only reason I still have a thread of sanity left. (((Alley))), I feel ya. :laugh: I read this as "medication". That might work, too. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I am going to pay forward some :grouphug: , as maybe I'll need some back in a decade. Take a look at my signature. As soon as one of my dc move out of a stage, the next one moves in. :lol: My dd4 is not potty-trained yet, and I will so not miss the diaper stage. I'm hoping she will be potty-trained by age 5. :confused1: Sometimes people try to encourage me by saying she'll be potty-trained before she goes to school. I'm not planning for her to "go to school" until college. :glare: And I certainly am not missing the wake-up-every-other-hour-to-nurse phase. So :grouphug: for now, and maybe I'll have to resurrect this thread in the future. edited for grammar; it's past my bedtime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Who's cutting onions in here?! This thread makes me so sad. The kids and their messes were on my nerves today and now I wish I could start today over. I also feel guilty that I just blithely went off to college and later settled elsewhere and didn't realize what my parents were going through. We missed each other, but I lacked that perspective of letting someone go after you've known them from birth and watched them grow. :crying: Sometimes people try to encourage me by saying she'll be potty-trained before she goes to school. I'm not planning for her to "go to school" until college. :glare: So they're right! :D 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cottonwood Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I am seeing this with my DS12, too. We have always been *very* close but lately he is showing me signs of intentional separation. We joke about it and I threaten that he'd better get back over here and give me some love or stop acting less interested in hugging me when his friends are around, but it's all good. I'm a little sad, but I really enjoy watching each stage so I try to focus on the growth I'm seeing, and the new things he's doing and trying. I"m finding that since he's so kind, he often seeks me out to see how I feel, brings me a glass of water, etc. So while he's not so close to me in physical ways, for now, he's still being pretty sweet to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 True story. I know, it is hard to imagine. I'm a great de-clutterer of many things, but back off my books, man! As an adult, I have found a few of my childhood favorites through out of print book locators...and those stories are never leaving my home while I am alive and mentally competant to protest. You ever read Peef the Christmas Bear? It's a children's book about loving and letting go. My DD and I tear up at it every time we read it. http://www.amazon.com/Peef-Christmas-Bear/dp/0931674263/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1435560363&sr=1-1&keywords=peef Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wshyangmur Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I understand perfectly. My son and I spent nearly every day of our lives together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Yes, yes, and yes. My boys are 12 and 14. Within the past week, the oldest has started shaving and the youngest has given me the "please don't hug me when other people are around" talk. I tell myself it's good. It's normal. It's right. I want them to grow up, after all. Then I choke back the tears. So, yeah, no advice. But plenty of commiseration. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Sometimes people try to encourage me by saying she'll be potty-trained before she goes to school. I'm not planning for her to "go to school" until college. :glare: So they're right! :D not.encouraging :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksr5377 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 GAH! I just went to see that movie yesterday on my 'date' with my 7yo. I cried so many times!!! All those memories being forgotten! I was a mess, it was ridiculous, and my oldest is only 8. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I don't miss the baby or toddler years. I have never been a little kid person and I was quite happy when they could all strap themselves into their own car seats and use the toilets themselves. My older two are 17 and 15. I am enjoying the teen years (for the most part! haha!) I don't know when they will leave home. It may be for college, it may not. I have encouraged them to live at home and commute to college for the mere cost factor, but we will see. They are free to choose. But I miss them when they are at camp for a week! So having them leave will be HARD and I secretly hope they settle close by. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I think it's harder when they are both the same age. My boys are 5 years apart, so I have a heads up. For example, my dh is out of town this week and ds2 wants me to wake him up when I go to bed and let him sleep with me for the night. At first I was not happy about it, but then, I looked at my older son, and realized that this could be the last time ds2 wants to sleep with me when daddy is gone. My older boy used to do the same thing, and honestly I don't even remember when he stopped wanting to sleep with me when his dad was gone. I do have memories of the baby in my bed and the older boy sleeping on my floor...but I can't quite remember the last time. As my boys get older, I get sort of weaned off all those small kids things. But you, poor thing, are having to do it cold turkey! :grouphug: I get this. Completely. There are times when my younger still gets a little clingy and I want to roll my eyes. Then I realize that I cannot remember the last time my older hugged me without being forced to and I want to cry. The teen years have not been kind to my older son. My younger one has actually said "mom, I'll still love you and want to be with you when I am a teenager even though [DS1] doesn't." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 This may or may not help, so take or leave it. It may help you to do a thought experiment about what it would be like if your kids would not grow up and leave home. What if they suddenly became disabled and would depend on you as adults? How would that make you feel? I find that imagining an alternative, much worse situation immediately makes me feel a whole lot of gratitude about my actual situation. That may not work for everyone, especially if you think you might start worrying about every little thing your kids do. My kids are all older teens and young adults now, but all along I've had a hard time letting go of the stages of motherhood. I half joked that I would probably need therapy when they all moved away because I've loved so many aspects of being a mom, and it's such a part of my identity. I don't know if the thought experiment would have helped me, but going through it in real life sure did. My oldest was diagnosed with a very serious, life-threatening cancer a few months before he was scheduled to leave home for college. After being through so much, it really was attitude altering for me (same treatment as eaglei's son--very high risk and totally shut him out of normal life for 9 months). Trust me when I say that growing up is the very best thing that can happen to a child! Recently my guy moved out of state for college--everyone figured I'd be a mess, but I was just so happy he is still with us and able to take this next step in life. OP, I don't tell you this as a "my grief is greater than your grief" type of thing, because I believe people's feelings and problems are just where they're at right now. I think it's fine and natural to go through some grief over letting go of stages in life that you've loved. I remember the first summer that the last of my kids were past playing in the park, swimming pool trips, and library reading programs. I was sad because I missed it, and because it was more fun for me than the leisure time pursuits of the next stage. The other night out of the blue I felt a twinge of missing out on having everyone around and closely connected. I loved reading to my children at breakfast when they were of elementary and jr high age and expect far into the future I'll be occasionally thinking back with a little wistful longing. I think a lot of moms feel some healthy grief along the path of their kids growing up--have your cry, talk it out with your girlfriends, look back with fondness at your photos and memories, and then dust yourself off and move on. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWillSoar Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I'm in this boat as well. Summer is especially hard because there is so much free time, and I miss those times going to the pool with the kids, going to the movies, the park, the science center, etc. The boys just don't want to do anything anymore, and I get it. They are teenagers who don't want to go to the neighborhood pool with their mom. I know I can relax and read a book but I like to go places and do things. Sometimes I'll have lunch with a friend or I'll go out with a friend and her little girl but I miss the days of doing things with my own kids. I was the mom that never wanted summer to end (they were in public school). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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