Big families--any bitter kids??

[Moxie]

I have one child who makes a full time job of comparing us to all her 2 kid, 2 income friends. I'm getting really tired of it. Do any other big families have kids who are bitter about their horrid lot in life (ha ha)??

[mommaduck]

I have ONE like that. She wishes she were an only child. She is the fourth child, so if we had stopped at one or two, she wouldn't exist. She's getting better. She does fine with her older siblings. She says she hates little kids. She has made proclaimations about how she doesn't want any children or will only have one child. I told her that that is fine; not everyone wants kids. Everything else, tough cookies. She doesn't get the world on a silver platter and she can still be a decent human being.

[IfIOnly]

mommaduck, I always find it ironic when younger siblings complain about living in a large family or birth order or what have you. Someone in my life complains about how hard it is having older parents (she has two older brothers and she's 10 years younger than them-she was an oops) and that she'll never have kids later in life like they did. Um, you wouldn't be here darling otherwise, have you made that connection? Ingratitude much?

[Tsuga]

Bitter? No. But I have recently realized that my DSD1 has decided that getting chauffeured everywhere is going to be her love language for the time being since (a) she does have friends who get driven everywhere, by SAHMs whose dads make bank, and (b) that is what we do for the littles because, you know, they can't walk a mile by themselves with all these cars.

 

So, yeah. Since there's other stuff going on with her mom, I have resigned myself to that fate. We are going to make it happen for now and wait another year to kind of try to cut her loose there. If her mom didn't get divorced a couple months ago and get a new job and if she weren't just 14 maybe it would be different, but for now, okay. You can be a kid in this way still.

 

My DD1 acts like an only child with all the drama and is shocked when we don't cave to it like some of her friends' parents do to their tantrums. Per the food thread, she's super picky and doesn't get why she can't have ALL the mashed potatoes.  :001_rolleyes:

 

The littlest one is getting increasingly nervous that her baby features are wearing off and she doesn't get to be spoiled forever.

 

DSS has three sisters in this house and seems to be in survival mode.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know the older children in two large families (12 kids or more) who are very bitter and frankly, I think with very good reason.  In both cases, the oldest kids did a LOT of childcare and housework and were very burnt out by the time they were even mid teens.  

[Miss Mousie]

I don't have my own big family, but I am the youngest of one.  I wouldn't necessarily use the word "bitter," but I certainly recognized and felt the pinch of an extremely tight budget.  This was probably most pointed during high school, when my classmates from the "rich" town were getting expensive new clothes/going to camp/taking tennis lessons/going on cruises etc. etc. etc.  It wasn't that I particularly wanted those things, but it would have been nice to able to decline them for reasons other than money.

 

Now that I think of it, not having the "trappings" wasn't a problem at all, really.  It was the more practical stuff that really struck a nerve:  My AP Euro Hist teacher recommended that everyone buy the textbook so we could write in it; there was absolutely no way my family could afford a $70 book to use for one year!  I could take only one college entrance test only one time; I chose the ACT because my likely schools (all in-state universities or the community college) didn't require SAT.  Being able to do all sorts of extracurriculars and volunteer work to try for a thorough college app was out of the question because I had to work a job.

 

So, it definitely impacted my life in ways that DINK (ETA:  Duh, Miss Mousie, the "NK" stands for "No Kids"!) small families never had to consider, but I still wouldn't go so far as to say I'm bitter. 

 

[Arcadia]

If you are tired of hearing, just tell your child you are tired of hearing and tell your child to do something useful like finishing tomorrow's work.

 

My boys complain about how small and cluttered our house is and that they don't have a bedroom since we only have a bedroom.  At your kids age, comparing is normal. Doesn't mean they are bitter if they complain. If my boys never compare or complain, I would find that abnormal.

 

Most of my paternal aunts have six children.  Most of my cousins did part time work after school as soon as they hit 14 just because school was easy.

 

Even for only child both parents working families, there is still disparity in lifestyle.  Like a friend was saying her son's best friend is out of country every summer because one set of grandparents is wealthy and loves travelling.  So that set of grandparents babysit by bringing the grandchild on a summer tour every year. The other set of grandparents are well to do too and babysit during the school year. 

 

There are people who really wished they weren't born so that is a totally different issue altogether.

 

ETA:

My aunts, with six children each, are well to do.  Just that the children are a year apart so six teens in the house can be a bit loud.

[mommaduck]

Which is funny, because my oldest kids have done a lot, but they have said they love our large family. My oldest said that he would love to have a large family, BUT he is determined to get through college and be able to afford a house outright before seeking a spouse (that is fine and I understand where it comes from. I think he's being smart). My oldest daughter is also not in a hurry to have a romantic relationship and also has goals (she's determined to own her own company first). So, it's not always bitterness that comes from being the oldest (I'm the oldest also and have a lot of siblings...the middle kids seem to be more bitter).

 

I do think with the one child, it was a matter of us being in a wealthy parish, with a lot of kids that were onlies or one of three and had practically everything handed to them and allowed almost anything by permissive parents.

[IfIOnly]

I know the older children in two large families (12 kids or more) who are very bitter and frankly, I think with very good reason.  In both cases, the oldest kids did a LOT of childcare and housework and were very burnt out by the time they were even mid teens.  

 

I see this sometimes. I've always been taught to let the youngest child capable help/do the job, so the burden isn't always on the older ones. I actually have taken this to heart, and it's good for all my kids to develop life skills and know how to do stuff and do it well. I make sure work is distributed evenly. I also make sure that I don't ask my kids to do certain stuff, like my kids have never changed a diaper or given a child a bath. That's my job, IMO.

[Guest]

I don't have my own big family, but I am the youngest of one. I wouldn't necessarily use the word "bitter," but I certainly recognized and felt the pinch of an extremely tight budget. This was probably most pointed during high school, when my classmates from the "rich" town were getting expensive new clothes/going to camp/taking tennis lessons/going on cruises etc. etc. etc. It wasn't that I particularly wanted those things, but it would have been nice to able to decline them for reasons other than money.

 

Now that I think of it, not having the "trappings" wasn't a problem at all, really. It was the more practical stuff that really struck a nerve: My AP Euro Hist teacher recommended that everyone buy the textbook so we could write in it; there was absolutely no way my family could afford a $70 book to use for one year! I could take only one college entrance test only one time; I chose the ACT because my likely schools (all in-state universities or the community college) didn't require SAT. Being able to do all sorts of extracurriculars and volunteer work to try for a thorough college app was out of the question because I had to work a job.

 

So, it definitely impacted my life in ways that DINK (ETA: Duh, Miss Mousie, the "NK" stands for "No Kids"!) small families never had to consider, but I still wouldn't go so far as to say I'm bitter.

The thing is, and I have explained it to this child, we aren't poor. We choose to not go to Disney every summer (Disney--shudder). Part of the reason we don't take big vacations is this child's crappy attitude. Even if we won the lottery, her life would not change because, honestly, she has it pretty good.

[73349]

I would say (as the oldest of five) that it's healthy to look at how the children's lifestyles will be different over at least the span they'll remember (maybe ages 4-18).

Because of the enormous age gaps in my family, I had an unwelcome (and, many in our extended family said even at the time, somewhat unreasonable) level of responsibility. It definitely affected my outlook on family life and my relationships with others in the family, and that is one reason I was unwilling to consider ever having more than two children (and, after getting acquainted with the first, decided I was done).

 

So, for example, if you are leaving your 13yo to run the household for a morning while you do errands at leisure, ask yourself, What will I expect from the youngest at this age? Or is a middle child only getting hand-me-down clothes and toys, which your olders picked out, because they're not worn out yet, while younger kids are getting the new and shiny stuff--Does that ever get to change?

 

That doesn't mean you can make everything the same for everybody, but you may be able to make up for things someone perceives as hard so that it's evident you're trying to be fair.

 

ETA because we cross-posted: On the other hand, some people have a grumpypants personality, and you may need to try counteracting with lots of work on gratitude and generosity. ;)

[Tsuga]

I don't have my own big family, but I am the youngest of one.  I wouldn't necessarily use the word "bitter," but I certainly recognized and felt the pinch of an extremely tight budget.  This was probably most pointed during high school, when my classmates from the "rich" town were getting expensive new clothes/going to camp/taking tennis lessons/going on cruises etc. etc. etc.  It wasn't that I particularly wanted those things, but it would have been nice to able to decline them for reasons other than money.

 

Now that I think of it, not having the "trappings" wasn't a problem at all, really.  It was the more practical stuff that really struck a nerve:  My AP Euro Hist teacher recommended that everyone buy the textbook so we could write in it; there was absolutely no way my family could afford a $70 book to use for one year!  I could take only one college entrance test only one time; I chose the ACT because my likely schools (all in-state universities or the community college) didn't require SAT.  Being able to do all sorts of extracurriculars and volunteer work to try for a thorough college app was out of the question because I had to work a job.

 

So, it definitely impacted my life in ways that DINK (ETA:  Duh, Miss Mousie, the "NK" stands for "No Kids"!) small families never had to consider, but I still wouldn't go so far as to say I'm bitter. 

 

But isn't that like being bitter about being poor?

 

I was one of two and we faced all those same constraints and more (I had to pay for my AP class AND my SATs AND my PSATS) because my mom was a single mom.

 

Poverty is a whole 'other thing to be bitter about. :)

[HS Mom in NC]

I know of one homeschooling family with 12 kids, half of whom are special needs, who has a son who is bitter.  He was poorly academically prepared for community college and is relied on to care for multiple siblings regularly because it's common for at least 1 special needs sibling to be in the hospital or recovering from a hospital stay in addition to the usual medical treatments many special kids need throughout their lifetimes.  He's between the kids in the middle and the oldest kids.

[HS Mom in NC]

I have 3 kids and we're in higher income brackets.

 

1 of my kids is a full time bitter about something (it changes regularly) personality type-just like my in-laws.

[chiguirre]

Dh (3 of 5 boys) isn't exactly bitter, but he does think his parents didn't do a very good job because they had more kids than they could handle.

 

OTOH, when T complains about her brothers' asd related behavior, I always point out that they didn't choose to be on the spectrum and she's very lucky she's not. So, you're embarrassed because GW is singing nursery rhymes in the supermarket, deal with it. We don't pick our lots in life and you just have to make the best of it.

[Miss Mousie]

The thing is, and I have explained it to this child, we aren't poor. We choose to not go to Disney every summer (Disney--shudder). Part of the reason we don't take big vacations is this child's crappy attitude. Even if we won the lottery, her life would not change because, honestly, she has it pretty good.

 

 

But isn't that like being bitter about being poor?

 

I was one of two and we faced all those same constraints and more (I had to pay for my AP class AND my SATs AND my PSATS) because my mom was a single mom.

 

Poverty is a whole 'other thing to be bitter about. :)

 

The only reason money came into play at all was that it had to stretch over 13 people.  Had my parents stopped at 3 or even 6 kids, those kids would have had more opportunity - or, at the very least, a larger inheritance per capita.  ;)

 

(And yes, I realize that if they had stopped at fewer children, I wouldn't be here - but it wouldn't matter because there would be no "me" to know that!)

[DesertBlossom]

My oldest brother was pretty upset when baby #7 was born. We lived in 1400sqft. He was comparing our family to his more affluent friends who also had less kids.

 

My mom reacted with both shock and gratitude when this brother said he wanted a large family. (And he ended up with one) He obviously doesn't feel that way now and all us siblings are close.

[Tsuga]

The only reason money came into play at all was that it had to stretch over 13 people.  Had my parents stopped at 3 or even 6 kids, those kids would have had more opportunity - or, at the very least, a larger inheritance per capita.  ;)

 

(And yes, I realize that if they had stopped at fewer children, I wouldn't be here - but it wouldn't matter because there would be no "me" to know that!)

 

I get that, but I guess anyone could say my mom should have had an abortion, and she did consider it (I was post RvW).

 

Don't have kids if you can't give them an upper class lifestyle, I suppose some would say.

 

It's always the kids that make you poor. I wish we lived in a society in which children weren't punished for their parents' low incomes.

 

I think it's rather disgusting that an investment banker should be allowed to have 12 happy children, but a teacher should only have one (or none) because he "can't afford it".

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I know two women who were the eldest in large families, and resent the role they had as another mom to their siblings. Combination of being a girl, the eldest, and a large family their own mothers weren't coping with. Neither of them had children, because they felt they'd spent their childhood and adolescence raising siblings. I always found their stories sad.

 

Only sharing b/c it was asked, I don't share as a slam on large families...

 

The only grown kids of big families that I know who are bitter are those who were either

 

1. girls who did all the work, or

2. boys who got no decent education.

 

Just being part of a large family doesn't necessarily lead to bitterness, I don't think. I've known lots of big families. It's the lack of opportunity and the failure of the parents to treat their children as individuals with legitimate needs.

[prairiewindmomma]

Kid4's BFF is an only child. Kid4 would prefer that I enroll her in all of the classes BFF is in, play extensively with her daily like BFF's mom does, and, of course, join BFF in Italy this summer. (BFF & mom are 6 weeks in on a 10 week trip.)

 

Kid4 isn't bitter, but she is certainly not understanding or fond of large family dynamics.

[Mimm]

Well... Me. I was the oldest and a girl. Too much was put on me, and I wished I had things like music lessons and other opportunities that my friends had. Does that make me selfish or something? I'm sorry if this isn't something you want to hear as a mom of many. But yeah, it kinda sucked.

[HRAAB]

My 2nd oldest was the youngest until her sister had the nerve to come along six years later.  She was not happy about that at all.  She got over it, though, and I frequently hear her talking about how great it was to come from a family of five.  Oddly, be upset over losing her special position as youngest is no longer part of her memory.

 

My dh comes from a family of 14.  Obviously, there are issues when there are 14 children in 20 years.  I'm sure each of them could find something to complain about that wouldn't have been an issue if there had only been a couple kids.  But then, the younger 12 wouldn't have to complain at all since they wouldn't be here.  Actually, they don't complain and generally have happy memories of growing up in a really big family.  They all get along with each other, no fights or not speaking to people.  The siblings that live in the same area get together frequently.  We'll be having our annual family reunion on the 4th with all the siblings - even as far as China - coming home. It's always a good time.  I've never heard any of them talk about regretting the size of the family.  Of course, they're all adults now with the youngest being 48.  Who knows what they thought or said when they were young, but as adults, they are one awesome family.  There's a lot of time for maturing and learning to appreciate family.

[mommaduck]

There are many people that only have two kids and can't give them music lessons and other opportunities. Those aren't rights of childhood. I was taught to be grateful for what you do have, because someone always has less.

[mommaduck]

Ftr, I didn't get those things and there were times where my family could have afforded it. Am I selfish? No. I think there is a difference between wanting something and being entirely ungrateful.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

The only grown kids of big families that I know who are bitter are those who were either

 

1. girls who did all the work, or

2. boys who got no decent education.

 

Just being part of a large family doesn't necessarily lead to bitterness, I don't think. I've known lots of big families. It's the lack of opportunity and the failure of the parents to treat their children as individuals with legitimate needs.

 

And sometimes it is just different personalities.  DH comes from a large family (he is the youngest).  He and his siblings are all close, and none would trade their childhood for anything, even though they did do without at times.  He did have a sister (middle child) who was a little bitter at one time, but over time she got over it.

 

However, even though they all love their siblings, 2 of the 6 have opted not to have any children and no one else has more than 3 (and would be 2 if not for being blessed with twins).

[bethben]

I am the oldest of six. My parents were very cautious about treating us all the same. Making sure we all got the same treatment. It works in theory, but what happens is I felt lost as an individual. I had trouble with my walk with God because I didn't realize that He saw me as an individual and not just part of a group. So, I'm not bitter, but felt like me as an individual got lost in the mix. I also felt like I wasnt noticed as much because I was the oldest and didn't "need" much. I was pretty competent. So, as a result, I moved away from home and though I dearly love my family still feel on the outside.

 

When I see large families, I know there's most likely someone (usually the quietest and most competent) that is getting lost due to sheer numbers.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Mine aren't.  We actually are financially better off now than when we had fewer children, but really that is irrelevant.  The number of children you have doesn't determine your socioeconomic status.  I suppose you could argue that a family with 2 children has less than a family with 10, but really you never know what hand you will be dealt or when that hand will change.  A large family may do things differently, but they don't have to do without.  We make a point to give our children varied opportunities and ,yes, age appropriate chores.  My children's chores would remain largely the same whether we had two or ten children.  I am a firm believer in chores being good for children.  I do a majority of the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc.  Sure my kids pitch in.  They *live* here.  I expect them to pitch in.  Have I asked my older girls to help dress the younger children?  Sure.  Is it their job to *raise* them?  No!  I am the Momma!  Some kids are going to be bitter and some kids are not going to like their lot in life.  Will they all go on to have large families some day?  Likely not, but that doesn't mean their childhood was a failure, just that their path in adulthood is a different path than their parent's path.

[HRAAB]

There are many people that only have two kids and can't give them music lessons and other opportunities. Those aren't rights of childhood. I was taught to be grateful for what you do have, because someone always has less.

 

Good point.  I only have one sister, eight years younger.  I didn't get all the opportunities that friends of mine did who came from bigger families than ours.  My dh has never complained about not getting something that others had because of family size.  His parents did make sure they all got a very good education, but there wasn't money for dance or music lessons.  Even so, quite a few of them play musical instruments.  Most of the kids did get involved in sports, but they worked during the summer to earn that extra money.  My fil passed away a few years ago, and the tributes and memories that the siblings all shared was something I'll never forget.  My kids have had much more than any of them, and if I get half of the love and appreciation that my fil got, I would feel my life was a one huge success.  I do think it takes a certain type of person to be able to parent a family that size; not all people are equipped to parents that many.  I'm certainly not.

[Guest]

When I was growing up, yes, I was very resentful of being poor and I linked that with large family and one modest income. Most of the time, it wasn't envy of expensive clothes or lavish homes, it was envy of adequate clothes and a cute home. The homes in my neighborhood were all small and simple; basic rancher homes built in the late 50's. But other families were improving their homes over the years, while ours was falling into neglected disrepair.

 

When I was just about grown, it occurred to me that I was not grateful that my mother was at home, as one would hope their kids would be. My mom didn't make well-conceived dinners and keep a tidy house and interact affectionately with me when I got home from school. So I think I mostly just wished she would go to work so at least that part of our family problems would improve.

[Guest]

Also, one more thought: it isn't always obvious which child, if any, is bitter. I almost never complained or voiced my resentments, but that did not mean I didn't have them. I felt very cheated about many things because the squeeky sister in the family was well-oiled - and she was somewhat medically fragile and my mom was always alert to any discomfort she might have.

[Ausmumof3]

I haven't read the whole thread sorry. I think this is very common in the large families I know, particularly with eldest girls. My mil was one and she was determined only to have two kids.

 

I don't want to tell anyone how to run a large family as I have no idea, but there's one tip I read about this, which you've probably already heard. It was to always give the job to the youngest person in the family capable of doing it, to help avoid overloading the oldest.

 

I don't think it's large families so much that are the problem but the comparison with small families. Also all kids, whatever type family have something. I was the baby by so much that I was almost an only child and I always envied the kids from big families with siblings to play with.

[IfIOnly]

Good point.  I only have one sister, eight years younger.  I didn't get all the opportunities that friends of mine did who came from bigger families than ours.  My dh has never complained about not getting something that others had because of family size.  His parents did make sure they all got a very good education, but there wasn't money for dance or music lessons.  Even so, quite a few of them play musical instruments.  Most of the kids did get involved in sports, but they worked during the summer to earn that extra money.  My fil passed away a few years ago, and the tributes and memories that the siblings all shared was something I'll never forget.  My kids have had much more than any of them, and if I get half of the love and appreciation that my fil got, I would feel my life was a one huge success.  I do think it takes a certain type of person to be able to parent a family that size; not all people are equipped to parents that many.  I'm certainly not.

 

My husband grew up in a very wealthy home and one of his biggest things as a father is making sure his kids don't develop the sense of entitlement he had as a child. So we provide for our children's needs and some wants, but they do have to work to earn bigger or better or more expensive things. Sometimes we'll pay some if they earn some, but you better bet they appreciate things a lot more if they've earned it or realize maybe it isn't worth the money and time all things considered. It certainly make them appreciate the things that are provided for them and how hard their father works for those things.

 

If our kids complained about how much less their inheritance was because they had to share with siblings, we'd surely consider just giving everything away to charity when we die. How does someone complain about the amount of something that they didn't earn and is given to them? I read ever so often about some rich person in the news who stiffs their kids and gives it all away to charity and think: good for them. It's their money (not kids or anyone else's) and they choose what do with it. 

[Mimm]

There are many people that only have two kids and can't give them music lessons and other opportunities. Those aren't rights of childhood. I was taught to be grateful for what you do have, because someone always has less.

 

But wishing you could have those things doesn't make you a selfish person. And my parents could have, easily. They made quite a bit of money but it's not that they couldn't have afforded music lessons for me because they had a bunch of other kids, it was that they couldn't afford music lessons for everyone.

 

I didn't complain when I was a kid. I worked hard at home. I cleaned house, I cooked dinner on a nightly basis, I babysat, I helped homeschool. My own education was neglected while I helped with younger siblings.

[mommaduck]

I learned to never expect an inheritance. It doesn't matter who you are or what your family's socio-economic status is. Life experiences. I can't be bitter about it. 

[mommaduck]

But wishing you could have those things doesn't make you a selfish person. And my parents could have, easily. They made quite a bit of money but it's not that they couldn't have afforded music lessons for me because they had a bunch of other kids, it was that they couldn't afford music lessons for everyone.

 

I didn't complain when I was a kid. I worked hard at home. I cleaned house, I cooked dinner on a nightly basis, I babysat, I helped homeschool. My own education was neglected while I helped with younger siblings.

 

Did you not see my post right after the one you quoted?

[IfIOnly]

But wishing you could have those things doesn't make you a selfish person. And my parents could have, easily. They made quite a bit of money but it's not that they couldn't have afforded music lessons for me because they had a bunch of other kids, it was that they couldn't afford music lessons for everyone.

 

I didn't complain when I was a kid. I worked hard at home. I cleaned house, I cooked dinner on a nightly basis, I babysat, I helped homeschool. My own education was neglected while I helped with younger siblings.

 

It sounds like you really wanted those music lessons, and I'm sure there were others who couldn't have cared less. Every year (New Year's tradition), we ask out kids what things they would like to learn: skills, hobbies, educationally. We ask them what their interests are, too, and we work out a way to meet those needs as best we can. 

 

It also sounds like you were way overworked too.  :grouphug:

[Mimm]

One time my family did martial arts classes together. My mother and all eight of us kids (this was before they adopted other kids). They charged a certain amount for the first person, less for each subsequent person that signed up. So it would be something like $60 a month for the first person, $45 for the second, $30 for the third and $25 for each of the rest. (I don't remember the actual numbers, this is just a made up example.) I was making a little money working my first job at this point, and so was my oldest brother. So my mother took the bill for the classes, divided it nine ways and me and my brother paid our own portion. We were both fine with this and we loved going. After a year, my mother was done with the whole thing, and wanted to quit. She said it was about not wanting to make the drive with that many kids, but perhaps money was part of the problem. I really didn't want to. I loved going. I could have driven there myself, but I couldn't afford the price for being the "first person" in the family to sign up. Instead of offering to help me out, my mother made me quit.

 

I mean, come on, you can't tell me that that doesn't suck. That was one of the only extracurricular activities I got to do. I got to do basketball years earlier but only if I got rides from the coach. My mother never went to my games. She was busy, she had a bunch of other kids at home and it was a huge effort to get everyone out the door all the time, and entertain them on the sidelines? Forget it. I seriously do understand that it's a big effort. And it was nice that she found a way for me to go anyway. But so often money wasn't actually the limiting factor on my ability to participate in something. It was time, and effort.

[Mimm]

It sounds like you really wanted those music lessons, and I'm sure there were others who couldn't have cared less. Every year (New Year's tradition), we ask out kids what things they would like to learn: skills, hobbies, educationally. We ask them what their interests are, too, and we work out a way to meet those needs as best we can. 

 

It also sounds like you were way overworked too.  :grouphug:

 

Music lessons was just an example. I did want them. But I would have been happy to be involved in any number of activities. I was not friends with kids from wealthy families. I was (edited: WAS NOT) sitting around lusting after designer handbags and expensive private schools.

 

Also, I lived in a small town where I had no friends and no one (literally no one but us) homeschooled. We moved there when I was 14. I felt very isolated and lonely in my teens. There are many decisions that I wish my parents hadn't made that affected my life negatively. It wasn't just a matter of "I wish my parents had been richer." And I do value my siblings. I am close to most of them and we see each other more than most adults I know see their siblings.

[mommaduck]

I was never allowed to join anything. My half brother was allowed to join everything. The one year I joined soccer, no parent or stepparent came to my games. Every tryout before and after that, I was grounded the day before till the day after to keep me from joining anything. Even planned at school events (I had a solo for a Christmas event), we simply didn't go. I was embarrassed. I know what it feels like. It wasn't a large family issue; it was a "you are from THAT parent" issue and I might "embarrass" them. You know what, it did suck. I have learned gratitude though. I wasn't locked in a closet for days on end with a tripped out parent. THAT could have been my lot. So while it sucked at the time, it was small beans. 

 

Now, as to the topic....sometimes it just sucks because of finances (that may or may not have anything to do with size of family), sometimes it's a child's personality where they always find SOMETHING to complain about, sometimes it's feeling lost in the muddle, imbalance of responsibility, or comparisons to other families (grass is greener syndrome), and sometimes it really is selfishness and ingratitude.

[linders]

Not bitter exactly, but a bit resentful. I was the oldest of 4, and my siblings were 5, 9 and 12 years younger. I bore the brunt of chores and babysitting all the way through high school. I worked at our family store 3 days a week starting at age 12. My mom couldn't help with any activities or drive me anywhere because of littles, and I didn't really have time for activities anyway. We were middle class, not poor, but money was for basic necessities, not "frivolous" things.

 

I was so very happy to move out to college (which I paid for) and only have to take care of myself.

[Tsuga]

 

I mean, come on, you can't tell me that that doesn't suck.

 

Does it suck as much as having wanted your entire life to play a club sport and never being able to?

 

My whole life I've wanted to take karate but never have been able to. I have never taken a yoga class. I wanted to do gymnastics. My kids have done gymnastics and do a club sport every single year. We did none. Again, a family of two. Two kids my mom couldn't afford and that dad didn't want to pay for.

 

It does suck but it has nothing to do with being in a big family. It has to do with being poor. The poverty level is set per person for a reason.

 

 

 

They made quite a bit of money but it's not that they couldn't have afforded music lessons for me because they had a bunch of other kids, it was that they couldn't afford music lessons for everyone.

 

If my sister hadn't have been born, then my mom would have been that much richer, too.

 

I mean this comes down to, wishing you had more money per person. And that is just wishing you weren't poor.

 

To the government, if you have 13 kids and make $75 k, you are still eligible for a lot of programs. That's like making $20k with one kid. And you can solve that by either having less kids or more money, but ultimately it's the ratio that matters, and not the specific amount.

 

I guess what you're saying is that to you, that's a family thing because you didn't want more money, you wanted less people. But to my mind, that's just a child's misunderstanding of the problem, because the more humane thing to wish for would be more money or more equitable access to educational opportunities.

 

Not, less people.

[Guest]

One time my family did martial arts classes together. My mother and all eight of us kids (this was before they adopted other kids). They charged a certain amount for the first person, less for each subsequent person that signed up. So it would be something like $60 a month for the first person, $45 for the second, $30 for the third and $25 for each of the rest. (I don't remember the actual numbers, this is just a made up example.) I was making a little money working my first job at this point, and so was my oldest brother. So my mother took the bill for the classes, divided it nine ways and me and my brother paid our own portion. We were both fine with this and we loved going. After a year, my mother was done with the whole thing, and wanted to quit. She said it was about not wanting to make the drive with that many kids, but perhaps money was part of the problem. I really didn't want to. I loved going. I could have driven there myself, but I couldn't afford the price for being the "first person" in the family to sign up. Instead of offering to help me out, my mother made me quit.

 

I mean, come on, you can't tell me that that doesn't suck. That was one of the only extracurricular activities I got to do. I got to do basketball years earlier but only if I got rides from the coach. My mother never went to my games. She was busy, she had a bunch of other kids at home and it was a huge effort to get everyone out the door all the time, and entertain them on the sidelines? Forget it. I seriously do understand that it's a big effort. And it was nice that she found a way for me to go anyway. But so often money wasn't actually the limiting factor on my ability to participate in something. It was time, and effort.

That surely did suck. I am sorry...there were similar things having to do with lessons and activites in my family. I felt like I absorbed a lesson that said, "you aren't worth going to any trouble for."

 

This sounds like I'm really playing my tiny violin, but when I first moved out and got to know DH's family, I was stunned by the effort they would go to for me. My husband's sister let me borrow her very nice car for three days while mine was in the shop....I would never have even asked for such a favor, I was just upset and said, "I don't know how I can get to work while my car is getting repaired!" And she said, "oh, just take my Mazda. I'll drive my mom's car for a few days. No big deal." There were lots of things like this. They just immediately thought of a way to help support each person's needs and desires and it was amazing to me.

 

It definitely had a major influence over wanting to marry DH, because I already felt totally welcomed by his family.

[Mimm]

I think the OP would have read very differently if it had something like, "Any ideas on how to teach a child gratitude and contentment? I have a kid who is always comparing to other families and complaining that she can't have as much as smaller and wealthier families. This doesn't seem healthy to me." It's not like the OP can be reasonably expected to get rid of some of her children in order to give the complaining child a life that looks more like her friends. Learning gratitude is important to matter how much or little one has.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

(((Mimm)))

 

I don't think you sound bitter. I think you sound realistic and honest about your upbringing and how your parents' decisions affected you, which is healthy, right? We all have to sort that stuff. You did what was asked of you, even through some serious problems, and you took care of your siblings. You love them and maintain adult relationships with them now, which means your caring for them back then (and now) is genuine. 

 

I don't think you should have to look at all those instances as "character building" and be grateful not to have actually starved or lived in a box! You shouldn't have been lonely. You shouldn't have had more responsibilities as one of the eldest while still being held back as a person and treated as one of the herd. That wasn't fair.

 

My SIL, who has 10 children, is very invested in making sure her children always affirm her lifestyle no matter what they're going through. I think that's damaging and wrong, and likely to backfire. If she would do what she thinks right and let them form their own opinions, perhaps love and connection would triumph and they'd have good relationships as adults. The way she's going on now, they might be driven to feel they have to reject their family members because they can't help but reject the lifestyle.

 

You sound healthy to me.

 

 

 

 

[mommaduck]

Tibbie, I used the comparison to being locked up, because that was a reality and happened. I just happened to be with the "right" parent, so it didn't to me, but did happen to some of my siblings. I didn't say that Mimm should be making that comparison, but that I do understand how something can suck. I also understand how something can suck, but can also find the good.

[Carrie12345]

I'm the oldest of just 3. I had too much heaped on me, and money was tight.  I'm not bitter.

I do limit my older kids' responsibility for the youngers, and we may have to stretch our money, but it isn't tight.  They still find things to complain about.  :toetap05:

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Tibbie, I used the comparison to being locked up, because that was a reality and happened. I just happened to be with the "right" parent, so it didn't to me, but did happen to some of my siblings. I didn't say that Mimm should be making that comparison, but that I do understand how something can suck. I also understand how something can suck, but can also find the good.

 

It sounded a little guilt-trippy to me; we all know that someone always has it worse. Apologies if I misunderstood. Definitely agree about finding the good and teaching our kids to do that whenever possible.

[regentrude]

 

I guess what you're saying is that to you, that's a family thing because you didn't want more money, you wanted less people. But to my mind, that's just a child's misunderstanding of the problem, because the more humane thing to wish for would be more money or more equitable access to educational opportunities.

 

Not, less people.

 

But aside from money, there are other things that diminish with number of people, like parental attention and time

So, maybe the child would not want more money, but would want her parents to be able to pay more attention to her, to spend more time to her. Or to have a quiet space and privacy, not always lots of people milling around.

 

I can think of many reasons why one might want fewer people. I fail to see what is inhumane about craving mom's attention or some quiet and privacy.

 

[mommaduck]

It wasn't meant to be guilt trippy. I didn't understand the comeback from her with using only one of my posts when the second post clarified. It can suck. Many of us know what that feels like. It sucks being the parent that couldn't give their kids the classes we had hoped for.

[Arcadia]

It is possible to be grateful for something and still complain.  I am grateful I don't need to worry about money for grocery but I can still complain about how some of my favorite grocery items have gone up in price when I am at the supermarket. 

 

. I felt very cheated about many things because the squeeky sister in the family was well-oiled - and she was somewhat medically fragile and my mom was always alert to any discomfort she might have.

 

Most of my paternal cousins are loud about their needs.  I have a quieter paternal cousin that gets overlooked by my uncle and his wife.

I was the medically pathetic kid and my relatives would pander to my needs first.  It is embarrassing to be infamous as the weakest grandchild.