Tweens and cell phones

[BellaMama]

My 12yo has a newly acquired cell phone, purchased with her own money. We have set limits to how much time she is allowed on it, as any other electronic device/ screen time is 1 hour/ day.

However, what she chooses to view on Instagram is of concern to me as she now belongs to phan groups and has followers of all sorts. She has set a password to her instagram account that she refuses to give to us! She currently has lost all phone priviledges.

 

Do you read texts meant for friends and new online (only)"best friends"?

 

We need to sit down with her asap, set rules for phone/computer usage! I am fearful of this new freedom, watching youtube videos on her own.. She is still so young!

 

I am not technologically inclined! How do you keep your tween from viewing junk info?

[DawnM]

Hmmm....I have boys so it may be different.  My 11 year old has a phone.  It is on a prepaid plan with no internet (other than wifi) but he has no social media stuff and doesn't care to.

 

He does watch Youtube though and I typically go to Youtube every now and then and check to see what he is viewing.  Since I have never found anything even remotely inappropriate, I haven't worried, but he knows I CAN check at any time.

 

Dawn

[SparklyUnicorn]

This is a tough one because I don't like the idea of micromanaging, but I do want to keep my kids safe.  Neither of my kids have a phone, but they have plenty of devices.  I try to tread carefully.  As a result both tell me a lot.  Even the stuff I would not be happy to hear about.  I don't freak because, again, I want to know what they are doing. 

 

She could give you the password, but then she can go and create another account without you knowing.  If you treat her with constant distrust, she will have reasons to sneak around. 

 

One way I check up is to join some of these things and talk about them with my kids.  Talk about stuff they may encounter.  Talk about not giving out personal information.

 

Not saying I have this figured out. 

[Butter]

The fact that she refuses to give you the password is troubling to me.  I don't read my daughter's texts (well, except for the ones that she makes me read or reads to me... which are a lot of them lol) but I know all her passwords and she is very open about who she is talking to.  It does help that I met my very best friend on-line (we've gotten together many times now IRL even though we live a couple thousand miles apart and we talk more on the phone now than we do on-line).  It's the secretiveness I would have a problem with and not allow.

[ChristusG]

If my child wouldn't give me their password, they may not see their phone again for many years. My 11 year old daughter has an iPhone with no phone activated. This means she can access apps, text people, get on the Internet, etc. Up front, I told her that the Internet can be a dangerous place filled with certain things that she's too young to understand....and filled with people who may not be who they seem. We continue to talk about the dangers of the Internet. 11/12 is very young.....they don't need free reign with technology. Here's some of our rules....

 

No facebook. Period.

Downloaded apps must be approved by me (and I won't approve many social networking ones....but she's quite sheltered so she doesn't know about most).

Instagram is set to private and I must approve her friends.

I have all passwords....I can check anything at any time.

No profile pictures of herself (she can post photos of herself in Instagram where only her friends can see them, but everyone can see profile photos so no personal profile photos).

No YouTube unless we view together.

She has set times when she can use devices.

No phones kept in the bedroom overnight.

No phone during family time.

 

Technology is great, but it's also a big responsibility. Kids have to be taught how to properly use it and that comes with age snd maturity.

[Wabi Sabi]

My ds isn't allowed to open any new accounts without asking permission first (i.e.: Instagram), and then dh and I are the ones who help him choose a new password for whatever new account he's opening. I don't read every single text/Skype message, but he does know that we check in on them occasionally for his protection. If he had opened an Instagram account and refused to tell us the password he would lose ALL internet connected electronics. The secretiveness and the refusal to disclose information from me would be very worrying, but being open and not keeping secrets has always been a big part of our family culture. He has a lot more freedom with his electronics than many kids, but he knows that he has to maintain trust and honesty in order to keep it that way. 

Oh, and also? *We* set the password on his Apple/ipod account, so whenever he wants to download something new he has to bring it to us to enter in the password for him. We did that primarily to keep him from accidentally running up charges on our credit card that is attached to his Apple ID, but it also lets us approve all new apps first. 

[jenn-]

My 12yo has a newly acquired cell phone, purchased with her own money. We have set limits to how much time she is allowed on it, as any other electronic device/ screen time is 1 hour/ day.

However, what she chooses to view on Instagram is of concern to me as she now belongs to phan groups and has followers of all sorts. She has set a password to her instagram account that she refuses to give to us! She currently has lost all phone priviledges.

 

Do you read texts meant for friends and new online (only)"best friends"?

 

We need to sit down with her asap, set rules for phone/computer usage! I am fearful of this new freedom, watching youtube videos on her own.. She is still so young!

 

I am not technologically inclined! How do you keep your tween from viewing junk info?

 

Yeah, that would not fly at my house.  The amount of grounding from electronics would have her hyperventilating here.

[MysteryJen]

My 13 yo has had her iPod touch for over 2 years ( thanks, grandma). We have a few rules that have worked pretty well. We share an Apple ID, so I see all her iMessages. I don't read them all, but I read most. I only mention things to her, if there is any mean girl behavior with any of the groups. If one girl in her group is grounded for Internet stuff, most of the other girls get grounded too. The moms talk. She needs to ask to get apps or open new accounts, but she also knows, I will rarely say no.

Regarding Instagram, I do not monitor it, but her sister does and I have a close friend who follows her. She has been very careful about what she puts out there.

Follow her on Instagram. Talk about what she posts. Repeat over and over, if you don't want your grandma, pastor, teacher, priest, coach, to see it, don't post it.

Requiring too much control will lead to sneaky behavior which is a bad precedent to set with a tween.

[goldberry]

I don't have DD16's instagram password, but I did make sure she has the account set to private and I follow her so I see all the pictures and comments.

 

We also have rules about "friending" or "accepting friending" from someone she doesn't know. 

 

With the phone, she knows that I can pick up the phone at any time and look at what is on there (texts or otherwise).  There is not an expectation of privacy on the phone.  I recently saw she added a password to the phone.  "You added a password?" "Yes" "What is it?" She gave it to me (by telling as she typed it in) immediately without any attitude. 

 

I hate to say it, but if you are not tech inclined then you need to get tech inclined.  For instagram, as an example, sign up and follow her.  Same thing with other things she wants to be on.  

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

  At 12, not sharing the password would be a deal breaker.

 

 

 

I set up any of my kids accounts so currently I have their passwords.  I don't read all their stuff, I just check in on occasion to make sure they didn't miss something important from Grandma or something.

[BellaMama]

Thank you to all for your advice.

Joining instagram, discussing safety,obtaining passwords and educating myself are a priority.

In many aspects of her life she has shown to be very responsible, she views my access to her accounts/ texts as a breach of privacy. She is very insulted. She has not posted, seen or done anything objectionable ( other than the recent password secrecy), I am concerned about outside influences.

Until what age do I have access to her phone? 14, 16 ? Until she is no longer a minor?

Going from a Khan academy and Coursera household to largely unmonitored social media feels like a leap in the wrong direction!

Thanks for your advice, off to get informed.

[SparklyUnicorn]

The fact that she refuses to give you the password is troubling to me.  I don't read my daughter's texts (well, except for the ones that she makes me read or reads to me... which are a lot of them lol) but I know all her passwords and she is very open about who she is talking to.  It does help that I met my very best friend on-line (we've gotten together many times now IRL even though we live a couple thousand miles apart and we talk more on the phone now than we do on-line).  It's the secretiveness I would have a problem with and not allow.

 

We have nothing quite equivalent (assuming you are past a certain age), but as a comparison would you have wanted to give your parents a transcript of all of your phone conversations?

 

My thought is if you didn't want her to actually use the phone, you should not have let her buy it or should have only allowed a dumb phone.

 

I'm not endorsing free reign, but trust me if they don't want you to know something they will find ways to hide it.

[Lizzie in Ma]

As far as Instagram goes.....

https://instagram.com/about/legal/terms/

Term #1 is they are supposed to be 13, just like Facebook

 

[BellaMama]

She was very angry about DH and I having access to her texts. Made it quite clear that she was determined to get her way! Which is why I feel it will be very important that she understands that we are on her side, not against her.There is much tension over this issue.

[SparklyUnicorn]

She was very angry about DH and I having access to her texts. Made it quite clear that she was determined to get her way! Which is why I feel it will be very important that she understands that we are on her side, not against her.There is much tension over this issue.

 

I dunno.  Seems like a mistake to even let her get it.  Again, would you have wanted your parents to read your notes and listen to your phone conversations?  I didn't talk about anything scary, but certainly stuff I might have been embarrassed by if my parents had done that. 

 

Maybe one compromise is she is only allowed to use it out in the open and you take it when it's bed time.

 

That's basically what I do.  Kids can do pretty much what they want, but everything is out in the open and the Internet gets shut off at 10. 

[MEmama]

I think Sparkly has a point. Did you tell your parents every.single.thing you talked about over the phone? Did you never keep anything from them? Safety is paramount, of course, but so is allowing some teenage autonomy.

 

I don't filter or monitor my son's Internet use, but at ths point there's no reason to. Social media is not part of his world because he's not interested. If he were, we'd talk about it and he would know I could have access. As it is, we have so many passwords they are all kept in a family folder.

 

Whether or not your daughter is mature enough to have unfettered access to the Internet is your call. Many kids are at this age, but probably many more are not. But if she feels like she needs to sneak around, it's pretty safe to assume she will. How you handle that is determined by your family dynamics.

[HRAAB]

I don't know your child nor your family dynamics, so all I can say is how it would work with my children.  If my child, at age 12, refused to give me their password, mad that I had access to her texts, and was determined to get her own way, those actions would be telling me loud and clear she wasn't mature enough to have a cell phone.  It would have been good if these rules were in place prior to purchasing the phone since I don't like taking something away that they bought with their own money.  That would make it harder.

 

I'm not a micromanager.  My 14 year olds do not have cell phones yet (they use a family one when out of the house), but I don't have their Facebook passwords.  I do know if I asked, they would give it to me.  Plus, computer usage is usually in our family or living room.  Much different from a cell phone.  If I had any reason to be suspicious, I would ask for their passwords.  I deal with them individually, and I don't have flat age rules because each child is so different.  One of my older dds would never have been allowed to have any accounts with giving me her password.  Different kid, different rules.

 

It's not so much the age, although 12 does seem young to me, as the behavior that would really concern me.  Right now it is so important to have those communication lines open.  Good luck.

[DragonFaerie]

My DD wasn't allowed to have FB or Instagram accounts until she turned 13.  The rule now is that she can have those accounts, but I MUST have her login and password info.  And, I reserve the right to log in under her name and check things out whenever I feel the need.  She is required, too, to have me and her dad and her grandmother and her aunt and uncle as her FB friends.  If she doesn't want us to see something, she shouldn't be posting it in the first place.  Also, she is not allowed to friend anybody online that she doesn't know in person, and I will check that, too, if I ever feel the need.

[HRAAB]

Oh.... I just saw that the minimum age for Instagram is 13.  That would answer that question for me.  It wouldn't be an option until they were the requested age, and then I still need to approve it.  For instance, my twins weren't allowed to have Facebook when they turned 13.  I still made them wait until 14.  That wasn't because I thought they would be doing things behind my back, but I could see it becoming a huge distraction during school.

[Mommy22alyns]

My 12 yo just got a semi-updated phone on a prepaid plan, so she doesn't have internet access.  She doesn't have a ton of people to text, so unless I feel like something is going on, I don't feel the need to read them right now.  At 12, refusing to give me her password would be a dealbreaker.  I'm not sure at what point I would stop doing so - I haven't gotten there yet!

 

That said, both of them pretty much have free rein on YT.  I know it sounds crazy, but I put on Safety Mode and I check up on their history regularly.  They have given me no reason not to trust them.  YDD loves game and toy videos (like LPS, Shopkins) and ODD just discovered Blimey Cow and MayBaby (a girl who just makes silly videos).  She also likes gymnastics vids and how-to's.  All internet-capable devices are only accessed in open areas.  Since the phone is "dumb," she keeps it at all times and uses it as an alarm.  YDD got the ancient flip phone, so all it does is take pics/videos and sets alarms.

 

But if the age to sign up for a whatever account is 13, it's not happening until at least then.  The girls are rule followers anyway.

[DragonFaerie]

Thank you to all for your advice.

Joining instagram, discussing safety,obtaining passwords and educating myself are a priority.

In many aspects of her life she has shown to be very responsible, she views my access to her accounts/ texts as a breach of privacy. She is very insulted. She has not posted, seen or done anything objectionable ( other than the recent password secrecy), I am concerned about outside influences.

Until what age do I have access to her phone? 14, 16 ? Until she is no longer a minor?

Going from a Khan academy and Coursera household to largely unmonitored social media feels like a leap in the wrong direction!

Thanks for your advice, off to get informed.

 

IMO, privacy is earned with age, maturity, and responsibility.  You wouldn't think about giving a baby privacy, and the privacy you'd give a 4 year old is less than the privacy you'd give a 9 year old.  She isn't ready for internet privacy yet.  She isn't old enough even if she is mature and responsible.  In my house, I'll have access to the kids' phones until they are paying their own phone bill themselves.  But, I won't abuse that.  If they don't give me a reason to check up on them, I won't.

[Peaceful Isle]

We have the accountable to you set on my dds phone. I believe my child needs privacy with texting etc, but we do have rules set. Anything questionable will alert me right away. I am also very cautious about what apps she has and such.

Pretty much, my daughters phone is used for calling, texting, voxer, email, and taking pictures. She plays games on there as well.

I am alerted if she uses the Internet at any time. I don't take her phone away from her at night.

 

She actually thanked me the other day for having the accountable to you on her phone. She says it really helps her not give in to doing something she shouldn't .

 

I do feel each family is different and has different dynamics. Ian trying to teach my teen the reasons we are careful online. I also know she is human, and I respect her, and in turn, she respects me.

[AK_Mom4]

Sounds like maybe you folks leaped into the phone world without the ground rules being established.  I would respect the fact that she paid for the phone with her own money, but she certainly did not activate it on her own.

 

Here is how it would play out in our house since I'm the one responsible for internet access and the phone plan.  12yo would get a choice - the phone goes back in the box until ground rules are negotiated and agreed to, or I would buy the phone outright from her.    Then.......my typical 12yo would throw a fit, I would call in and suspend the phone plan, change the wifi password and everyone would be angry at each other.  But it would force us to sit down and have the discussion.

 

The internet is a scary place and i question that any 12yo has the experience to navigate it safely.  My kids have had access since a young age to technology and with it came the price of listening to Mom and Dad lecture them about stupid online stuff.  Everything from "what kind of pictures are OK" to "what info can be shared online" to "don't friend people who you don't know in real life".  I'm a jerk about things like instagram and facebook - if the terms say "13 years old and older", my 12 year old would not get to have an account.  I would create the account myself and let her use it while being monitored by me.   When they turned 13, they could create their own account, but would have had a period of time to get used to how it worked while I monitored.

 

The trade off for you respecting her privacy is that she needs to respect that you - as the parent of a minor child - are ultimately responsible for what activities that child engages online.  Put the phone in the box and sit down and work out what is acceptable and what is not.  I think this is the only way to avoid the sneaking around that ensues with restrictive rules.  Challenge her to help come up with ways to protect YOU in terms of HER internet activities.

 

DD14 still doesn't have the password for the apple id that we use to buy apps and music.  This is something that we agreed on together to protect MY credit card - not to restrict what she does.  She can still buy things - she gives me the cash and I buy it.  She doesn't do instagram yet, but she has a bunch of online forums she has participated in for years (MLP).  When she was younger, I monitored her posts because we agreed that neither of us wanted her to give away personal info online. 

[BusyMom5]

I have a 12 year old, and not giving us passwords would be a deal breaker.  I'm not sure how to manage this new world of social media, but I wouldn't let my 12 year old go just anywhere by herself, and she couldn't use the house phone to call just anyone, so I don't see why she would think she could do what she wanted on her phone.   Everything has rules, and phones are a privilege that they have to prove they are mature enough to use correctly.  So far we are not allowing cell phones.  I think even 2 years will make a big difference- 12 to 14 changes a lot, so maybe just put it up until then.  Mine does watch whatever on YT- so far I don't have any problems with that.  Her internet rules are pretty simple:

 

Do not type in any address into the address bar- mom must put the link in the 'favorites'

No accounts of any sort aside from those I make up - Khan, ect., and I know all passwords

No social media

 

Of course she broke rule 1 and was caught ;)  We took the computer away for a month, and so far she's being much better about following the rules.  She does use Pintrest - on my account she has her own board to pin to.  She can watch stuff on YT.  Those are my 'liberal' rules.  I must approve any other site she wants to go to. 

[Farrar]

We don't have that many rules for my kids. Their phone is a dumb phone. I don't read the texts routinely, though I can. They have so few people they text with though. But they have tablets and a computer.

 

I do have all the passwords - social media, Scratch, Khan, Roblox, etc. etc. - everything. I don't monitor them that closely though. I check in every once in awhile. I am on every social media thing they are. I glance at their computer history every once in awhile. The tech stays mostly in public spaces in the house and that helps.

 

I think one of the problems for the OP may be that they weren't casually doing this stuff all along so the sudden need to have the password seems like an intrusion and like that don't trust her from her POV. If you'd been doing it that way since she was younger, it would be more of an understood. My tweens are a little younger. I hear from other parents sometimes about how glad they are that their 10 yos aren't interested in any social media things and they wouldn't want them on there anyway. Well, I'm sort of glad my kids are a little interested because it means they're starting and we're establishing rules and behaviors before they're in full on teen mode about it while I can still have a lot of say and we can develop those habits of trusting the parents about online stuff.

 

I do think there's value in being a little hands off with technology and letting them have a slightly loose leash and rely as much on conversations and in person checking in as much as on any technology based controls like knowing the password and having safe searches and so forth. But that's a place that I disagree with many on this board.

[bibiche]

Have you discussed with her why you want to be able to monitor her online activity? We openly discuss "protecting the gift" with DS (who, incidentally, thinks it is "silly and dangerous" of your daughter to be secretive). I think open discussions about the whys really help children understand that it is not some sort of busybody interest that is motivating parents to want to monitor but rather legitimate safety concerns.

[Luanne]

I'm one of the old stick in the mud people who think 12 year olds don't need cell phones.  I see how addicted my 26 year old daughter is and sometimes I wish she didn't have one.

[Ripley]

I'm one of the old stick in the mud people who think 12 year olds don't need cell phones.  I see how addicted my 26 year old daughter is and sometimes I wish she didn't have one.

 

This is how I feel about my father, who is constantly on his smartphone.  If aliens invaded, they'd think he had an extra appendage.

 

This is the man who refused to let us have a Nintendo because it would rot our brains.  When I reminded him of that, he laughed and said he's older and wiser now. :lol:  :001_rolleyes:

 

OP, there's a lesson here to ease into parameters rather than just throw the kid into the pool, so to speak.  But that's no real help to you now.  What I'd probably do in this situation is to re-imburse her the cost of the phone, take it up, and set a roundtable - a pre-determined date within a week or so.  I'd let her know I'd hold onto the phone until then, and to come to the roundtable prepared with a  list of rules she feels are appropriate.  I'd do the same. 

 

And for that week or so I'd give let her use my phone intermittently - not as often as she'd use her own, but more than I'd have otherwise allowed.  It fills her perceived need to remain 'in touch' and she either has an extra filter in posting (since she's on my phone) -or- she leaves herself logged in and I can check to see if her drive for privacy is more an innocent desire or a worried need.  My teens have their own phones and I still do this with them - let them 'share' my phone.  I don't do social media myself, nor do I play games or anything on the phone, so this worked well here. It also made them feel like I put my money where my mouth was - I made myself transparent, too. They could (can) read my emails, texts, everything - I have nothing to hide, and don't keep a passcode on the phone. One admitted that at first he did, got bored, and hasn't looked again; I said I'd probably do the same with him, in all honesty LOL.

 

At roundtable we'd sit and work it out, discussing as necessary.  I'd probably set a time limit, or say "Okay, let's address the big issues first (e.g., usage, passwords) and we'll set a second roundtable to iron out the smaller details (e.g., smart usage, content). So she'd know ahead of time that this is an on-going discussion, and a fluid situation.

 

And I'd honestly hear and listen to her side.  It sounds like privacy is a big deal which needs addressing. Are you very private? Are you not? A lot of your own modeling will come into play.  I'd do my best to let her feel it was a negotiation (but under my dictatorship LOL).

 

I'm not into the whole "tell me all your passwords" thing because it's so easy to set up a secondary account. My kids' email accounts are on my phone, too. It shows a little banner every time they get emails. This let me know if they've signed up for anything new - even new email accounts, which one is often prompted to link to another email account, without my having to really read their emails. Still not safeproof, but works for me. I can see every Apple purchase, everything.

 

One thing that made a big difference to my teens was me showing them how nothing is every truly deleted. I sent one a bunch of stuff and had him delete them.  Then, with them watching, I used a download program to retrieve the deleted texts and pictures and said, "You have to sleep sometime :cool: ".  I emphasized that if they really wanted to hide something, they'd find a way; and that if I ever wanted to find something, I'd, too, find a way. This display impressed them because I'm otherwise quit tech-challenged. I can't program my car's clock or find Netflix on my tv, but I can google like a champ and there are lots of helpful articles for me to get brought up to speed if necessary!!

[Mimm]

 

 

I'm not endorsing free reign, but trust me if they don't want you to know something they will find ways to hide it.

 

:iagree:  I give my kids more freedom than I necessarily like online because I know they'll find a way to do what they want. If they don't think I'm monitoring them, then it's easier to check their search history, read their email when they leave it signed in, things like that. :) Maybe it's underhanded, but I've never found my kids doing anything too bad. The one thing was that my daughter was sneaking around watching a show (that she was normally allowed to watch) while grounded. I told her I found out, but refused to tell her how I found out (by looking at the Netflix history) because I'm mean and like to keep my kids on their toes. ;)

 

On the subject of parents reading texts, I do tell my kids to assume that whatever they write might be read by a parent, sibling, friend or any number of people they don't mean to read their texts. It's not like a phone conversation. There's an easily screen shotted record of the conversation long after it happened.

[MotherGoose]

My oldest is 9 so phones are still somewhat far off for us.  My inclination though is that reading texts from personal friends would be something I'd allow them to keep private unless I had reason to be concerned.  Remember passing notes in school when you were a kid?  How would you feel if your mom had to read every one?  Now social media is another matter.  I think I would have to be "friends" or "follow" them on every account so that I could see what was going on, because of the potential meanness and intrusion from strangers.  I would also have lots and lots of talks about gossip and spreading texts around about people and if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all.  Kids would pass notes around about other kids, but it's so much easier now with texting.  This is a difficult thing, and I am glad it's still a few years away for me!! 

[Joker]

I don't read all of my dds' texts (they are 13 and 15). They do know I pick up their phones from time to time and look at things. If I see a new or strange contact, I will ask them about it and scan those texts to see if anything jumps out at me. Mine have no desire for social media, though. Oldest did for a bit but didn't find it all that great. When she was on there, the rule is I am a friend/follower, or whatever it is for that site so I can see what's going on.

 

 

ETA: In regards to passwords, I heard something a while ago that we will implement here if/when my dds do not want us to know passwords. They have no issue with it at this time. We would have them write down all passwords and put in a sealed envelope. We would hold onto the envelope and if there was ever a reason to worry, or if something happened, we would then open the envelope to access their accounts. They haven't given me a reason not to trust them so I want to respect their privacy as much as I can. We do talk often about internet safety and the dangers/issues out there.

[SparklyUnicorn]

:iagree:  I give my kids more freedom than I necessarily like online because I know they'll find a way to do what they want. If they don't think I'm monitoring them, then it's easier to check their search history, read their email when they leave it signed in, things like that. :) Maybe it's underhanded, but I've never found my kids doing anything too bad. The one thing was that my daughter was sneaking around watching a show (that she was normally allowed to watch) while grounded. I told her I found out, but refused to tell her how I found out (by looking at the Netflix history) because I'm mean and like to keep my kids on their toes. ;)

 

On the subject of parents reading texts, I do tell my kids to assume that whatever they write might be read by a parent, sibling, friend or any number of people they don't mean to read their texts. It's not like a phone conversation. There's an easily screen shotted record of the conversation long after it happened.

 

This is what I do.  When they aren't looking.

 

I have never found anything odd.  In fact one time my kids had me sign into his e-mail and he forgot that I was signed in for about 2 weeks before he changed the log in info.  I glanced at it.  Again, nothing special.

 

 

[Ottakee]

My friends have a policy I wish we had started from day one. No electronics leave the main floor.....meaning none in the bedrooms. Also all electronics are turned in at 9 or 10 at night to the parents. Their kids are 13,14, 15, 17, 19 and 21 and even the older 2 have to follow this rule. Internet is turned off at 10pm.

[Joker]

My friends have a policy I wish we had started from day one. No electronics leave the main floor.....meaning none in the bedrooms. Also all electronics are turned in at 9 or 10 at night to the parents. Their kids are 13,14, 15, 17, 19 and 21 and even the older 2 have to follow this rule. Internet is turned off at 10pm.

 

:huh: I think that's way over the top and controlling. I cannot imagine telling my dds at 19 and 21 that they are not allowed to take their devices to their bedrooms and have to turn them in at 10pm.

[Mimm]

My friends have a policy I wish we had started from day one. No electronics leave the main floor.....meaning none in the bedrooms. Also all electronics are turned in at 9 or 10 at night to the parents. Their kids are 13,14, 15, 17, 19 and 21 and even the older 2 have to follow this rule. Internet is turned off at 10pm.

 

There is no way I'd put up with that at 19 and 21. Adults should be treated like adults.

[Farrar]

There is no way I'd put up with that at 19 and 21. Adults should be treated like adults.

 

I hate the fearmongering that's attached to all things internet. I once made a comment about how ds was having a hard time navigating educational social media (aka, the Scratch comment sections) and what a crazy thing it is to be the first generation where we have to help our kids learn this - no one taught us. And instead of a thoughtful discussion or any support I got half a dozen lectures about online p*rn and how glad everyone is that their kids aren't into "social media." Um, thanks for the overreaction. It's not my kid who was seeing inappropriate stuff everywhere - it was the parents who had their minds in the gutter.

[Ottakee]

There is no way I'd put up with that at 19 and 21. Adults should be treated like adults.

That is fine. My friend is parenting teens from a wide variety of backgrounds. When they pay for their own phones and pay rent or move out they can do as they wish with their phones and internet. While she pays the bills they play by her rules.

[Joker]

That is fine. My friend is parenting teens from a wide variety of backgrounds. When they pay for their own phones and pay rent or move out they can do as they wish with their phones and internet. While she pays the bills they play by her rules.

 

I just wonder how those who are parented in such a way are to ever feel like an adult. When do they suddenly start feeling like they can take care of themselves enough to be the adult and pay their own way? I feel those who parent this way to be doing their dc a huge disservice. When my dds are given more freedom, they seem to rise to challenge of tackling the added responsibility as well. We pay all the bills right now but they still are given more freedom as they age and I see how it helps them mature.

[Cottonwood]

when these type threads come up, i have to recommend the Funamo app.  we have our discussions, set ground rules, etc., then i installed the funamo app and it polices for me.  It can be set to do almost anything a parent wants.  For instance,  downloaded apps are quarantined till i approve them, it is set to shut off at 10..so i dont have to go around asking for devices, i can check history and usage from my computer, i can shut it down from my computer, etc.  the options are extremely varied.  for my dd its there for some safety stuff, i have it shut down her device at night, and extremely light monitoring because shes proven extremely trustworthy,  for ds, funamo is used to do a bit more restricting and heavier monitoring because of some very scary choices he made.  i guess im just saying it sounds like something you might be able to use...once you figure out the reason behind her secrecy.  that would also be a dealbreaker here.  i also follow the kids on their social media sites and occasionaly ask for their devices at random to poke around and check things unexpectedly.  they are to hand them over immediately and all passwords must be the ones i know.  Ground rules and consistency are pretty crucial, especially the younger they are.  

 

 

 

e

[jenn-]

when these type threads come up, i have to recommend the Funamo app. we have our discussions, set ground rules, etc., then i installed the funamo app and it polices for me. It can be set to do almost anything a parent wants. For instance, downloaded apps are quarantined till i approve them, it is set to shut off at 10..so i dont have to go around asking for devices, i can check history and usage from my computer, i can shut it down from my computer, etc. the options are extremely varied. for my dd its there for some safety stuff, i have it shut down her device at night, and extremely light monitoring because shes proven extremely trustworthy, for ds, funamo is used to do a bit more restricting and heavier monitoring because of some very scary choices he made. i guess im just saying it sounds like something you might be able to use...once you figure out the reason behind her secrecy. that would also be a dealbreaker here. i also follow the kids on their social media sites and occasionaly ask for their devices at random to poke around and check things unexpectedly. they are to hand them over immediately and all passwords must be the ones i know. Ground rules and consistency are pretty crucial, especially the younger they are.

 

 

 

e

I couldn't find an app called funamo in the App Store. Does it have a different name to search by?

[Denise in IN]

She was very angry about DH and I having access to her texts. Made it quite clear that she was determined to get her way! Which is why I feel it will be very important that she understands that we are on her side, not against her.There is much tension over this issue.

 

I will just start by saying that my boys didn't get phones until age 13/14, but my thoughts apply to young teens and pre-teens.  In our family at that age, all passwords are known by parents, period.  And I will "spot check" texts, IG, FB, etc. as needed.  My husband has all of our kids e-mails forwarded through his account (I don't exactly know how that works).  He doesn't actually read them all, but it gives us a good idea of who they're getting e-mails from. 

 

Honestly, my boys have been very open with their electronics, so we haven't had a lot of issues.  If my child refused to give me passwords and got angry and defensive about the possibility of parents seeing texts, etc., I would probably decide they were not ready for that level of electronic usage and we would back up a bit.  I have no need to control my teen's lives, but I do have a responsibility to protect them and more importantly to help them learn how to protect themselves and be wise with electronics.

[whitestavern]

If my child wouldn't give me their password, they may not see their phone again for many years. My 11 year old daughter has an iPhone with no phone activated. This means she can access apps, text people, get on the Internet, etc. Up front, I told her that the Internet can be a dangerous place filled with certain things that she's too young to understand....and filled with people who may not be who they seem. We continue to talk about the dangers of the Internet. 11/12 is very young.....they don't need free reign with technology. Here's some of our rules....

 

No facebook. Period.

Downloaded apps must be approved by me (and I won't approve many social networking ones....but she's quite sheltered so she doesn't know about most).

Instagram is set to private and I must approve her friends.

I have all passwords....I can check anything at any time.

No profile pictures of herself (she can post photos of herself in Instagram where only her friends can see them, but everyone can see profile photos so no personal profile photos).

No YouTube unless we view together.

She has set times when she can use devices.

No phones kept in the bedroom overnight.

No phone during family time.

 

Technology is great, but it's also a big responsibility. Kids have to be taught how to properly use it and that comes with age snd maturity.

 

These are basically the rules my dd follows. I don't have to approve who she is friends with, but I do follow her on Instagram (never post never comment) as do some of her aunts. We limit her to G and PG rated Youtube but know that's no guarantee so we talk a lot about what's out there.

[carriede]

I wonder if part of the problem is the fact she bought it herself? It's not a gift or a loan; it's HERS. She might see you trying to regulate something that's HERS as more intrusive than if it was technically your phone that you're letting her use.

 

I do think her usage needs to be monitored at such a young age, but I wonder it the ownership issue is at the root of the problem.

[FloridaLisa]

My 12yo has a newly acquired cell phone, purchased with her own money. We have set limits to how much time she is allowed on it, as any other electronic device/ screen time is 1 hour/ day.

However, what she chooses to view on Instagram is of concern to me as she now belongs to phan groups and has followers of all sorts. She has set a password to her instagram account that she refuses to give to us! She currently has lost all phone priviledges.

 

Do you read texts meant for friends and new online (only)"best friends"?

 

We need to sit down with her asap, set rules for phone/computer usage! I am fearful of this new freedom, watching youtube videos on her own.. She is still so young!

 

I am not technologically inclined! How do you keep your tween from viewing junk info?

 

We have always given our kids a cell phone when they're 16. For my oldest (now 23), that was fine but in the last 7 years that has completely changed. When half of the fifth graders have data phones, I know 16 is really old! But there have been few times that my under 16-yo really needed a cell phone. 

 

A couple thoughts not b/c I've figured this out but b/c I'm walking through it, so I'll share my fellow mom thoughts and experience. 

 

1) Our deal is that our phones are completely open. They have complete access to my stuff and I have access to theirs. I ask them to read texts while I'm driving so they know it's open. And I do check. I ask for their phones periodically and while part of it feels invasive, most of me knows that accountability is really good for a teen. I remember when I was growing up and hit a rough patch, I was actually grateful when my parents found out and I was disciplined. I wanted those safe boundaries and though I couldn't have articulated it, boundaries are healthy for teens. 

 

2) I really think it's going to be hard to shelter our kids from any and all graphic images. I just got a new phone and it already had some *Hot Views" loaded on it and it came up with pretty provocative photos just when I opened my phone! I had to figure out how to get rid of it. So disappointed at how pervasive this stuff is. 

 

Ditto on instagram, tv ads, the net, vine, etc. It's just all over. 

 

So we've decided to allow the technology but try as best I can to monitor. 

 

-----> I'm curious how many have had success with a filter for cell phones. I have the ability to put the one on our computer on our data phones but haven't done it yet. 

[fairfarmhand]

I've told my oldest (17) that we won't be poking into her business for no good reason, but she should be aware that we might check it out randomly, just for her protection.

 

So many things happen online, kids post stupid stuff, including personal photos, they bully others, others bully them, their locations....

 

 

Just the fact that mom and dad CAN monitor her stuff, doesn't mean that they WILL.

 

 

Also at 12, she has no idea how she will grow and change in the next 10 years. The stuff she posts now could come back to haunt her in the future. At 12, she can't fully grasp that. That's why she needs parents. To help her navigate the online world.

 

BTW, this "open door" of communication is in our whole family. There's nothing on my or my dh;s phone that we would be ashamed or embarrassed about our kids seeing. They could pick up our phones at any time and check things out. The only thing the kids would get would be "Our parents are the most boring people on the planet."

 

ETA: We have a filter that limits Facebook to after 7 or 8 pm. This is because she has online school and is terribly inefficienct with it. We have one computer for all the kids to use and because she puttered around at school all day checking Facebook while doing school, nobody but her was able to use the computer,

[Cottonwood]

I couldn't find an app called funamo in the App Store. Does it have a different name to search by?

 

 

On a quick google search I am seeing it's for Android devices, but THIS link seems to have ways to use it on Apple devices?  I don't know it that helps..??

[jenn-]

On a quick google search I am seeing it's for Android devices, but THIS link seems to have ways to use it on Apple devices?  I don't know it that helps..??

 

Bummer that it is only a Droid product.  That link threw up all sorts of phishing warnings from my computer safety software.

[Anne in CA]

I recently found something DISGUSTING on my 15yo dd's Instagram. She had no idea it was there, and her friends thought she had done it on purpose. Let me tell you, she was grateful I noticed it and ordered her to remove it. The unfortunate thing is that someone responsible enough to have an Instagram account will be fine with the supervision. Someone not mature enough will be threatened by it.

[Cottonwood]

Bummer that it is only a Droid product.  That link threw up all sorts of phishing warnings from my computer safety software.

 

 

Oh dear...sorry!!

[Tsuga]

Our kids aren't allowed to have their own Apple ID or passcode. My little ones have a phone to call their dad. The pre-teen and teen have phones they purchased themselves, no plans right now. We don't monitor all the time but we absolutely reserve the right to monitor or remove the phone. We don't check often but we do talk to them about it.