Tiramisu Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 As some of you know, we have had major family stress since the winter. Serious issues with extended family, medical and emotional problems at home. I always thought I could handle things and now I'm doubting my strength to do so. If I didn't care about trying to do the right thing, I'd probably be fine, but I've always been super mom. In the past week, for the first time, three different people, including two mental health specialists, have suggested two of my children could be on the spectrum. One of them, I've wondered about. For the other, it was a surprise. The timing was interesting because right before this, someone here on the forums reached out to me and suggested the same thing. It will help to know if this were the case but I don't think it's going to be so easy. And starting another "investigation" on top of everything we've been dealing with seems overwhelming to me right now. I feel beaten down everyday. I believe I'm being honest when I say I'm a good mom. My mom, a therapist, tells me I'm doing a wonderful job. People come to me for advice with their own children. My two oldest are doing great despite their struggles, so I don't think I'm a complete failure. But it's been so hard for the last few months. I hate that this is sounding all about me, but I'm having a pity party. The hardest thing for me to deal with has been my youngest dd's attitude about school work. Lately, she just won't do it well and then it's only after a lot of creativity and negotiations on my part, because just telling her to do it and punishing her if she doesn't does not work around here. Her doing school work is my job and when she doesn't do it, I feel like the failure is mine. If you see my siggy, we have finished some things for the year. She should be continuing to practice math, handwriting, writing, and do a Daily Language section everyday, but to get her to do it takes so much out of me. The good thing is that she does read for hours and talks about what she's reading. She writes letters to friends. Sorry. Any hugs out there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Hugs to you. And if I may, please don't confuse the time needed to process new and unexpected information with having a pity party. The two are not necessarily related. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. Tharp Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Hon, you have had one heck of an awful year, and so many things happened that fell in your lap to deal with. You have every right to need some emotional support even without this latest. And Albeto is 100% correct, needing time and support to process new and unexpected information is not the same as having a pity party. If I could get you a 1 month paid vacation to somewhere else, where you could revitalize your mental and physical being, I would do it in a heartbeat. You've been on a really rickety and fast moving treadmill trying to juggle a ton of balls for too long. You need a break and a break isn't in the immediate future. I am so sorry. Huge, huge hugs of support. Is there ANYONE you could outsource some things to for your daughter? Can you cut back on some things for now and pick up stuff later? Is there anything that really fires her up? Gets her excited? Could you focus on that for a while, spin learning off of her interest and help her develop and fine tune skills in that area? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Would it be possible to drop the daily language lessons, handwriting and writing for awhile for your youngest daughter since she reads for hours and write letters? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Would it be possible to drop the daily language lessons, handwriting and writing for awhile for your youngest daughter since she reads for hours and write letters? :iagree: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heathermomster Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 :grouphug: Hugs and prayers for you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyLittleBears Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Treat yourself as gently as you would a PTSD victim, because literally that's the level of what you're feeling. It's visceral, and when we started having these discussions about my ds it shut my whole system down. For me it helps just to be good to myself. Watch a movie, eat some salad, have some extra fruit, that kind of thing. Ok, so for a while there I ate ice cream every night, but don't do that. Now I'm doing better and eating my fruit and taking care of myself. It's just very real and being good to yourself is the best policy. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted April 22, 2015 Author Share Posted April 22, 2015 Treat yourself as gently as you would a PTSD victim, because literally that's the level of what you're feeling. It's visceral, and when we started having these discussions about my ds it shut my whole system down. For me it helps just to be good to myself. Watch a movie, eat some salad, have some extra fruit, that kind of thing. Ok, so for a while there I ate ice cream every night, but don't do that. Now I'm doing better and eating my fruit and taking care of myself. It's just very real and being good to yourself is the best policy. I am a PTSD victim and have been for many of my years as a mom. :( It is really so hard sometimes. We've never really had normal days. It seems we've never done the things that normal families do because so often I was worried about someone's behavior and my ability to manage it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I am a PTSD victim and have been for many of my years as a mom. :( It is really so hard sometimes. We've never really had normal days. It seems we've never done the things that normal families do because so often I was worried about someone's behavior and my ability to manage it. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I know the feeling of never being normal. It's really hard. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summerreading Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Sorry you are having a rough time with maybe more rough spots ahead. Do you see someone for the PTSD that you can talk to about how down you feel? It's hard when you're stressed already and think more stress is in the future. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Hearing my DD's expected diagnosis threw me into an emotional tail-spin. I can't imagine how awful it would be to be surprised by similar information. It is absolutely okay to feel shocked and sad. It is also okay to reach out to your doctor or trusted friend or counselor if you feel you need extra support. hugs You are a good mom. You are a good mom. You are a good mom. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 I got a therapist appointment for this morning with one of my children's therapists who I think is on a similar wave length to me. A couple of months ago, I anticipated a crash with all the things going on and decided to see a therapist, but after one visit I didn't feel comfortable going back to that person when she seemed to suggest I need to enter the modern age and give my 12 yo dd unlimited, unrestricted wireless/internet access. She made the analogy of not taking away the car key but teaching them to drive. Yeah, she can use the car but, sorry, she won't be driving at 3 am in a blizzard! I should have tried to find someone else back then and not waited but then we got the flu which messed things up, and then dd9 got sick again, and again, and life was on hold. Things started to look more positive yesterday afternoon. We went to one dc's psych appointment and we will start making an adjustment. My mom went with me to emphasize the challenges we are having from a personal and professional perspective, and it was nice to have that support. Plus, she bought us treats on the way home. :) More forms went to the school today to get specific feedback with the hope that in the future all issues will be addressed. I also got dd9 set up for a screening to participate in a VT study. It will mean a free eval and free VT if she is accepted. Even if she winds up in the control group, she'll get real VT afterwards for free. Yes, there may be some difficulties with this scenario, but we might as well try and potentially save the VT money for a NP eval. Big dd is coming home tonight for a follow-up with the neuro-endocrinologist in the city. I'm not crazy about the doctor but hopefully we will have some direction about her treatment after that. I have a bunch of appointments for testing to set up for her after finals and referrals to specialists from her primary, so in a few weeks things will be moving forward in any case. Before bed dd12 sat with dd9 and had her do ALL of her work for TODAY (not yesterday, which dh did with her after work last night). Even the memory work and other things I've been letting slide got done. I was in my bedroom but I could hear them happily working together. As hard as it can be to manage dd12, dd12 does not like it if anyone else gives me grief, so she stepped in to help with dd9's school work. I was very grateful but I don't know why dd9 won't just do it for me. I did an epsom salt foot bath before bed and slept well. Dd9 didn't make too much noise in her sleep so that helped, too. She woke up crying this morning but at least I don't have to bring up school work to her, so the day should go more smoothly with the therapist appointment in the morning and sports in the afternoon. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Receiving a diagnosis, or wondering about one, is hard in all kinds of ways. I hope today goes well for you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymonster Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I wish I had some wise words or magical solution, but alas, I am neither wise nor magical. I can, however, say that you're not alone! Also, there are times when it is just ok to *not* be super-woman. Get through the day, one foot in front of the other, take care of yourself. Eventually you'll be up to fighting again. Also, feeling as though you have PTSD is a sign you have PTSD. It is real and there are treatments for it. It's a good idea to put on your own oxygen mask before putting others' on... <3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 There is a study that links the types of stress associated with parenting someone on the spectrum (adult or child) with a PTSD stress pattern in mothers (they compared the mothers physiological response to people with PTSD). They have not figured out if this is tied biologically to a mother manufacturing a child with ASD, something in both individuals that make one susceptible to PTSD and one to ASD, or just caregiving. They have distinguished it from the typical stress patterns of mothers caring for individuals with other kinds of special needs (though I don't doubt that some other SN mothers have PTSD as well). Of course, I cannot find the link right now. I printed the article out at some point, but I am not sure where it is. I have had PTSD symptoms in the past that began before my son was diagnosed, and I didn't have any trauma that could account for it. Anyway, I thought that might make you feel a little less alone about it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Ariel Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 You are not alone! I have had one heck of a year and sometimes it seems like a crisis is an ongoing thing in our family, everyone taking a turn, as soon as one crisis seems to calm down, another begins. :confused1: It really takes a toll on my physical and mental health. Sending you hugs and prayers! Lots of good advice here from the great moms on this forum as always! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathyBC Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 If you see my siggy, we have finished some things for the year. She should be continuing to practice math, handwriting, writing, and do a Daily Language section everyday, but to get her to do it takes so much out of me. The good thing is that she does read for hours and talks about what she's reading. She writes letters to friends. Sorry. Any hugs out there? I did see your signature line. Your dd has accomplished a lot this year: in grade 3 she has finished to the end of Singapore 3B, WWE3, history and religious studies! It looks like she has science, spelling and grammar to do. After taking a little time off to clebrate, can she rotate through a couple subjects per day until they're all done? I can relate to the effort just to get basic schoolwork done. Ugh. You have more on your plate than I could contemplate, and it sounds like you're tackling them well. Many, many hugs to you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 :grouphug: Try to Relax, Regroup, Recoup. That was what I was taught in high school to reduce the chance of burnout. Life is a marathon, we have to take breaks (regardless how short a break) to take care of ourselves. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 I did see your signature line. Your dd has accomplished a lot this year: in grade 3 she has finished to the end of Singapore 3B, WWE3, history and religious studies! It looks like she has science, spelling and grammar to do. After taking a little time off to clebrate, can she rotate through a couple subjects per day until they're all done? I can relate to the effort just to get basic schoolwork done. Ugh. You have more on your plate than I could contemplate, and it sounds like you're tackling them well. Many, many hugs to you. Yes. She's finished up a lot, though we did bail out on WWE part-way through. I'm making note of all of it here for myself, as a reminder it hasn't been such a terrible year all in all. Things fell apart this winter. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest2 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I don't know how to make the circle hug thing... But sending some love your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I just saw this today on one of my favorite blogs. You have two girls, not two boys, but if they get an ASD diagnosis, maybe it will work out for you the way this author is able to see it in her family. I don't mean it at all as flippant in the midst of your frustration, but I love that this author enjoys her ASD kiddos so much. http://chosenfamilies.org/2015/04/double-the-fun/ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 I don't know how to make the circle hug thing... But sending some love your way. Awww. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 There is a study that links the types of stress associated with parenting someone on the spectrum (adult or child) with a PTSD stress pattern in mothers (they compared the mothers physiological response to people with PTSD). They have not figured out if this is tied biologically to a mother manufacturing a child with ASD, something in both individuals that make one susceptible to PTSD and one to ASD, or just caregiving. They have distinguished it from the typical stress patterns of mothers caring for individuals with other kinds of special needs (though I don't doubt that some other SN mothers have PTSD as well). Of course, I cannot find the link right now. I printed the article out at some point, but I am not sure where it is. I have had PTSD symptoms in the past that began before my son was diagnosed, and I didn't have any trauma that could account for it. Anyway, I thought that might make you feel a little less alone about it. This is really interesting. I have pre-kid PTSD from being on a plane that went on fire. My oldest got PTSD from a fall and injury. She had major separation anxiety for years after that. My third dd got it from a medical trauma. And I suspect this is why my youngest is having such a hard time now, because of the serious fall and broken arm she got in January. That only leaves out my second dd, who also had a major medical problem. She's fine IRL but at a doctor's office, she looks like a deer in headlights. She won't speak or make eye contact at all and I'm very sure that's made an impression on the doctor's who have treated her at sick visits but haven't got to know her well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted April 23, 2015 Author Share Posted April 23, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Receiving a diagnosis, or wondering about one, is hard in all kinds of ways. I hope today goes well for you. I suspect all we might ever get is "complex." Talking to dd's therapist today, she completely agrees that there's something Asperger-like going on. She didn't have the diagnostic criteria in front of her so she's not sure if she would meet it. The familiar signs are there but it's subtle. It's hard to process but I do feel somewhat validated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 This is really interesting. I have pre-kid PTSD from being on a plane that went on fire. My oldest got PTSD from a fall and injury. She had major separation anxiety for years after that. My third dd got it from a medical trauma. And I suspect this is why my youngest is having such a hard time now, because of the serious fall and broken arm she got in January. That only leaves out my second dd, who also had a major medical problem. She's fine IRL but at a doctor's office, she looks like a deer in headlights. She won't speak or make eye contact at all and I'm very sure that's made an impression on the doctor's who have treated her at sick visits but haven't got to know her well. Good grief! That's a lot of trauma. Injuries and scary med stuff as kids is just not cool. And burning planes...I'd have a hard time getting over that for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minerva Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 More hugs headed your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
virtual_twins_mom Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Coming to terms with another diagnosis has been especially hard for me, too. Just another thing to have to research and deal with. Hugs to you. Looks like you've got lots of support here! Hang in there! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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