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We are trying to make a decision for what school will look like for our family next year.

 

Without giving too much personal info-we have had some personal struggles this year (marriage, PPD, behavior problems with neuro typical kids, very needy baby). Plus oldest dd being diagnosed with ADHD & math LD. Some days I feel too overwhelmed with it all & feel like I don't give my best to any of the kids. Other days are awesome-exactly what I imagine a 'good' home school looks like. I am not consistent enough. I try to follow routines but it seems like something inevitably messes it up.

 

DH wants to send them to school. He wants me to go back to work part time. He thinks this will solve all the problems. I disagree. I think it is exchanging one headache for another. Homework, dealing with special Ed services, school activities, driving, etc.

 

He also thinks that DDs LD are my fault. He has no confidence in my ability to do this successfully. And maybe he is right. I think he is in denial (DD has many issues). But like I said-we have marriage issues so I try not to let him in my head too much.

 

I just need to talk it out with other moms who have LD kids & home school. My sister does not understand why I am so torn up about this. I don't want to put them in school. But I just feel like a failure most days & dont understand why it's so hard!

 

How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel? How do you determine if your decisions are sound vs fear based?

 

Help please

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Hugs. Can you go to counseling yourself, without him? and to one that is homeschool friendly?

 

How many kids and what ages?

 

Is there any way to outsource some of the school stuff to a specialized tutor?

 

What are your biggest concerns about ps? Would sending some of the kids to ps be an option? Or a charter school? Private? Even for a year, til you can all get some equilibrium? Some kids actually do quite well in a brick and mortar school.

 

That being said, if the local ps is a disaster or unsafe (don't make that call strictly based on rumors) then obviously that would not be an option.

 

As for sending a child with lds to ps that can be a good fit or a bad fit depending on the school and the child. Here it would be a terrible fit and I have seen over and over with friends, family and my own kids just how bad a fit it can be. On the flip side I have friends and family in other locations that have gotten good services and their kids have done well.

 

I know this is terribly stressful and it doesn't seem you have anyone 100% in your corner, backing you up. It is all on your shoulders. I am so sorry. Sending virtual hugs and support across the miles.

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I would go through the special ed evaluation process just to see what their offer is. You are under no obligation to enroll your child as a result of the IEP eval.

 

My SN child is in PS and having her there has allowed me to continue HSing my older kids. If I wanted to HS her, she'd take up so much of my attention that I would need to enroll the others in a B&M school.

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I have gone to counseling but it got pushed to the side lately. We have 5 kids ages 1 to 9-all girls.

 

I don't think there are any outsourcing abilities here unless it's online but that is limited bc of our internet service.

 

I worked in a public school & was underwhelmed to say the least. Specific concerns for oldest is that the school will give us a big run around & services will be delayed & sub par. I have some knowledge of the districts here & none are especially great & a few are definite no! My other school age girl would probably do fine in PS but I don't care for the way things are done in PS. We are Christians & that worldview is important to me. I also really identify with relaxed early school, reading classics, spending lots of time outside, etc. but I am just not able to carry it out the way I envisioned.

 

There is a small Christian Montessori school that has rave reviews. It is a lot of money & we could probably only send one. It might be good choice for oldest with LDs. She has brain tumor & seizures so I am also concerned about medical side of things. I don't think it would be an issue at any school but it's in the back of my mind. We have lost months of school time due to medication issues & dr appts.

 

Thanks for the hugs. I need them today.

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I would go through the special ed evaluation process just to see what their offer is. You are under no obligation to enroll your child as a result of the IEP eval.

 

My SN child is in PS and having her there has allowed me to continue HSing my older kids. If I wanted to HS her, she'd take up so much of my attention that I would need to enroll the others in a B&M school.

She just had testing done by neuropsych in December so they shouldn't need to re-eval.

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She just had testing done by neuropsych in December so they shouldn't need to re-eval.

 

The school district will look at the private testing but they still need to do their own eval in order to get the child on an IEP. The eval could be as simple as just reviewing the private NP report, but most likely they'll want to do their own testing.

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Can you get life together to do school every day (5/7 days) with your school aged children? I think that for me, that is the key question. They need consistent schooling, regardless of everything else going on. School may look different on bad days, but the fundamental routine has to be there. It is a hard question when you have littles and a complicated medical life but you still have to be able to get the basics in.

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Honestly?.  See a doctor and get the PPD in check.  You are never going to be clear headed and well enough to make sound decisions until the hormones are under control.  Five kids in ten years is a lot....And a sick child with a brain tumor?  

 

There is no hard and fast rule about homeschooling and regular classroom schooling.  Who is to say that the NT kids cannot attend the ps for a year or so until life settles back down?  I know families with three kids where one child is in the ps, another is in private, and the eldest is at home.  

 

Without blame, maybe sit down with your DH and develop a compromise strategy.  Make the best of it.  Since your DH wants the kids in ps, he needs to step up and work with you to make the transition a happy one.  No excuses from him either.  If you decide to place the eldest in school, use an advocate to help you with the process.  As I understand it, some states will provide an advocate if you ask for one.  

 

I'm sorry for your problems.   :grouphug:

 

 

 

 

 

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Honestly?. See a doctor and get the PPD in check. You are never going to be clear headed and well enough to make sound decisions until the hormones are under control. Five kids in ten years is a lot....And a sick child with a brain tumor?

 

There is no hard and fast rule about homeschooling and regular classroom schooling. Who is to say that the NT kids cannot attend the ps for a year or so until life settles back down? I know families with three kids where one child is in the ps, another is in private, and the eldest is at home.

 

Without blame, maybe sit down with your DH and develop a compromise strategy. Make the best of it. Since your DH wants the kids in ps, he needs to step up and work with you to make the transition a happy one. No excuses from him either. If you decide to place the eldest in school, use an advocate to help you with the process. As I understand it, some states will provide an advocate if you ask for one.

 

I'm sorry for your problems. :grouphug:

Thanks. I am under doctor's care.

 

If I sent the one to public school and one to preschool then I would have a 3 yr old & 1 yr old at home with me & DD. I don't think that would work out very well. My 7 yr old DD is great at helping me with little ones & if she is gone I dont know how I would get much done. So I think sending all the 'old enough' ones would be only real option.

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Can you get life together to do school every day (5/7 days) with your school aged children? I think that for me, that is the key question. They need consistent schooling, regardless of everything else going on. School may look different on bad days, but the fundamental routine has to be there. It is a hard question when you have littles and a complicated medical life but you still have to be able to get the basics in.

I really do try. Take today for example. Baby had tummy ache & didn't sleep well. I was slow getting around bc I am tired. Baby is cranky this morning & cries when I am not holding her. Oldest DD needs quiet & calm to work. when weather is good I send baby out with 7 yr old. Cool & wet here today so that isn't option. We have OT this afternoon so nap time school isn't option (we have therapy 2 days a week in afternoons).

 

There is some variation of this at least 2 days a week. Last week it was stomach bug. Week before it was something else. And so on.

 

I love routine & schedules and I know that is what is best for all. I love my 1 yr old but since she was born life has been chaotic! She was difficult right from the moment I found out I was pregnant!

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I get it, We have had norovirus followed by influenza while still juggling medical stuff, a house on the market, and my craziest toddler ever. That is life with a lot of littles.

 

Even on the bad days, school needs to happen. i may use different resources on bad days, but school would be happening after OT (and we'd likely be listening to SOTW in the car like we did yesterday).

 

Can you figure out a good day and an alternative day routine? Two alternative days where english and math happen but science and history are light would be acceptable to my Dh; doing only half a week of school week after week would be a dealbreaker.

 

It is not failure on mom's part if home life is too chaotic to homeschool. It is failure, IMO, to let pride and fear and ideals get in the way of your child being educated.

 

I still think you could make homeschooling happen, but a relaxed lifestyle doesn't mix well with lots of littles and SN kids and medical chaos. Fwiw, my daughter who died of brain cancer fit between my boys--my five kids were also born within ten years. I would look for advice from other moms with lots of littles. If you haven't lived it, you don't get it. (((Hugs)))

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I agree about the mother's helper.

Also, this is not going to transition until next fall anyway, right?

So you have the summer to catch up.

I would suggest giving yourself permission to homeschool throughout the summer, and that will take some of the pressure off of this school year.

I wonder whether your oldest has math LD's or is just behind?  Can a good video program done 6 days per week (because math is easily forgotten by those who are not inclined that way) catch her up by the end of the summer?  Saxon has those excellent DIVE CD's, and many people like Teaching Textbooks (which is easier).  Quartermile Math will give her good facts and speed practice no matter what program she uses.  That would help a great deal with the consistency issue for her.

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From my perspective, I personally would not homeschool unless my husband agreed to our children being homeschooled. Now, when I say that, I don't mean my husband loves homeschooling--because he doesn't. We've sent our high schoolers to private brick and mortar schools, (and recently pulled one back home--this is the closest my husband got to enthusiastic about homeschooling.) We've taken numerous tours of various grammar schools and discussed sending our children to school ad nauseum. Our oldest attended public school for a couple years. When a friend or relative who send their children shows a child's success, my husband points out how that child did okay in public schools. My husband's support for our homeschooling is mostly financial, yet he agrees to it again at the start of each school year--and when he didn't, we didn't homeschool.

 

Why does my husband agree to homeschooling when he doesn't really like it? I'm certain it's because I pray about it. I certainly lobby for it, present him with numerous reasons why to homeschool. We've honestly assessed the cost of private education. Before I quit my job many years ago to stay home full-time, I used the same things: prayer and logic. Day care and taxes ate up most of our second income. Raising children, especially special needs children in a large family is going to be challenging no matter what the educational choice.

 

Here's my suggestions for you: First, pray. Second, respect your husband's opinion regarding how he wants his children educated. Third, explore what his ideas would entail for your family, including cost and benefits.Do the same for homeschooling.

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Thanks. I am under doctor's care.

 

If I sent the one to public school and one to preschool then I would have a 3 yr old & 1 yr old at home with me & DD. I don't think that would work out very well. My 7 yr old DD is great at helping me with little ones & if she is gone I dont know how I would get much done. So I think sending all the 'old enough' ones would be only real option.

Send them all to school then and consider placing the younger ones in Mother's Morning Out 2-3 times per week. There is no crime in making allowances for yourself, and there is no failure either. Like I said previously, some or all of your kids can go to school. And it may or may not work out. You may decide after the littles are older that you want to homeschool again, and that is great. As I see things, you need time and a little space to gain perspective.

 

I agree with Merry 1000%.

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Make sure you actually figure out if you're earning any MONEY when it's all said and done by going back to work.  With the change in tax brackets, how it affects your insurance, cost of daycare, clothes, and gas, you may make nothing.  It would make more sense to take care of your 1 yo and send all the others to preschool or school.  A year for you to recover and to focus on your little one (who sounds very high need) would not be so crazy.

 

I have no opinion on handling husbands except that sometimes they're right. You might be right about something, but peace is worth something too.  Is it really the $$ he wants?  What's with the going back to work?  What happens if you say sure, they ALL go to school and preschool (except the littlest) and you DON'T go back to work?  What did he REALLY want?

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There is a small Christian Montessori school that has rave reviews. It is a lot of money & we could probably only send one. It might be good choice for oldest with LDs. She has brain tumor & seizures so I am also concerned about medical side of things. I don't think it would be an issue at any school but it's in the back of my mind. We have lost months of school time due to medication issues & dr appts.

 

Thanks for the hugs. I need them today.

whelmed to say the least. Specific concerns for oldest is that the school will give us a big run around & services will be delayed & sub par. I have some knowledge of the districts here & none are especially great & a few are definite no! My other school age girl would probably do fine in PS but I don't care for the way things are done in PS. We are Christians & that worldview is important to me. I also really identify with relaxed early school, reading classics, spending lots of time outside, etc. but I am just not able to carry it out the way I envisioned.

 

Regarding the bolded (mine) bit above:

I think if you feel comfortable with relaxed early school, then I think you can make this work.  You've got a lot going on with 5 kids ages 9 and under.   It's a lot to ask of any one person to be everything to that many people.  But--- with some organization, I bet you can do it. :001_smile:

 

I might do something like this:

Younger kids-- who nap-- get your attention in the morning.  They would be my priority in the morning.

The olders, who are able, can use the morning to: 1.  listen to something like Story of the World history (or something similar)  2. Work on something like Aleksmath http://www.aleks.com/ 3. make a doable project off DIY.org https://diy.org/

4. Work on something like this (for math review) https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/5-a-Day-Math-First-Grade-

Spiraling-Review-FULL-YEAR-1623555    Anything that they can do nearly 100% on their own.

 

Everyone would have some kind of walk before lunch where they can gather leaves, bring their nature journals etc..  Or just go play outside.

 

Everyone eats lunch.

 

Napping kids take a nap.

Olders time to get one on one attention would happen during naptime.  That would be the time when I'd focus on doing anything that requires you to help directly with your older kids: science, writing etc.

 

I'd probably combine and do something like Bravewriter with all the olders at the same time http://store.bravewriter.com/collections/language-arts-programs/products/quiver-of-arrows  

 

Naptime is over--- time for appointments, outside classes, shopping etc.

Honestly, I would keep my morning-afternoon completely free of anything but home stuff.  It's tempting to make appts in the morning/early afternoon, but then when you get home--- everyone is out of sorts and you have no rhythm to your day again.

 

Just my thoughts...

Laura

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I agree about the mother's helper.

Also, this is not going to transition until next fall anyway, right?

So you have the summer to catch up.

I would suggest giving yourself permission to homeschool throughout the summer, and that will take some of the pressure off of this school year.

I wonder whether your oldest has math LD's or is just behind? Can a good video program done 6 days per week (because math is easily forgotten by those who are not inclined that way) catch her up by the end of the summer? Saxon has those excellent DIVE CD's, and many people like Teaching Textbooks (which is easier). Quartermile Math will give her good facts and speed practice no matter what program she uses. That would help a great deal with the consistency issue for her.[/quote

 

She definitely has math LD.

 

I do school work with her-we don't just not do anything. Most weeks it's 4 days a week with some 3 days & 5 days thrown in there.

 

But there have been periods of time (esp with medication changes/issues) where she could not participate in school. The last one I posted about on here & everyone told me to back off school for a while. That's what I felt like was right as well but posts like prairiewind's make me feel like that is t the right thing to do. And I know she isn't trying to make me feel bad-but it does. I guess I am just not cut out for this. Enrolling everyone, going back to work, & forgetting this all ever happened sounds like the best thing.

 

And-I probably shouldn't have posted this. I am too emotional today. WTM & high emotions don't mix.

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Regarding the bolded (mine) bit above:

I think if you feel comfortable with relaxed early school, then I think you can make this work. You've got a lot going on with 5 kids ages 9 and under. It's a lot to ask of any one person to be everything to that many people. But--- with some organization, I bet you can do it. :001_smile:

 

I might do something like this:

Younger kids-- who nap-- get your attention in the morning. They would be my priority in the morning.

The olders, who are able, can use the morning to: 1. listen to something like Story of the World history (or something similar) 2. Work on something like Aleksmath http://www.aleks.com/ 3. make a doable project off DIY.org https://diy.org/

4. Work on something like this (for math review) https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/5-a-Day-Math-First-Grade-

Spiraling-Review-FULL-YEAR-1623555 Anything that they can do nearly 100% on their own.

 

Everyone would have some kind of walk before lunch where they can gather leaves, bring their nature journals etc.. Or just go play outside.

 

Everyone eats lunch.

 

Napping kids take a nap.

Olders time to get one on one attention would happen during naptime. That would be the time when I'd focus on doing anything that requires you to help directly with your older kids: science, writing etc.

 

I'd probably combine and do something like Bravewriter with all the olders at the same time http://store.bravewriter.com/collections/language-arts-programs/products/quiver-of-arrows

 

Naptime is over--- time for appointments, outside classes, shopping etc.

Honestly, I would keep my morning-afternoon completely free of anything but home stuff. It's tempting to make appts in the morning/early afternoon, but then when you get home--- everyone is out of sorts and you have no rhythm to your day again.

 

Just my thoughts...

Laura

Thanks.

 

I didn't have much choice on appt times. And one is over an hours drive one way.

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I agree about the mother's helper.

Also, this is not going to transition until next fall anyway, right?

So you have the summer to catch up.

I would suggest giving yourself permission to homeschool throughout the summer, and that will take some of the pressure off of this school year.

I wonder whether your oldest has math LD's or is just behind? Can a good video program done 6 days per week (because math is easily forgotten by those who are not inclined that way) catch her up by the end of the summer? Saxon has those excellent DIVE CD's, and many people like Teaching Textbooks (which is easier). Quartermile Math will give her good facts and speed practice no matter what program she uses. That would help a great deal with the consistency issue for her.[/quote

 

She definitely has math LD.

 

I do school work with her-we don't just not do anything. Most weeks it's 4 days a week with some 3 days & 5 days thrown in there.

 

But there have been periods of time (esp with medication changes/issues) where she could not participate in school. The last one I posted about on here & everyone told me to back off school for a while. That's what I felt like was right as well but posts like prairiewind's make me feel like that is t the right thing to do. And I know she isn't trying to make me feel bad-but it does. I guess I am just not cut out for this. Enrolling everyone, going back to work, & forgetting this all ever happened sounds like the best thing.

 

And-I probably shouldn't have posted this. I am too emotional today. WTM & high emotions don't mix.

My heart breaks for you.  There is no perfect answer.  You must take care of you or you and your family may fall apart.  I agree, consider putting the school age kids in school for this next year, and maybe get help with the youngers.  Heal yourself.  Give your body and mind time.  If homeschooling one or more later on seems the better option, then you can still do that.  But putting the kids in school for this next year might really help.

 

And yeah, WTM is probably not the healthiest place to be when you are very emotional and down on yourself.  Goodness knows some of the posts on Gen Ed and the High School board have made me feel pretty darn inadequate.  Thankfully there are some wonderful people on the LC board that have gently (or not so gently :) ) reminded me to look at ME, look at MY KIDS, look at MY LIFE to determine the best course of action, not what strangers choose to post about their kids.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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My heart breaks for you. There is no perfect answer. You must take care of you or you and your family may fall apart. I agree, consider putting the school age kids in school for this next year, and maybe get help with the youngers. Heal yourself. Give your body and mind time. If homeschooling one or more later on seems the better option, then you can still do that. But putting the kids in school for this next year might really help.

 

And yeah, WTM is probably not the healthiest place to be when you are very emotional and down on yourself. Goodness knows some of the posts on Gen Ed and the High School board have made me feel pretty darn inadequate. Thankfully there are some wonderful people on the LC board that have gently (or not so gently :) ) reminded me to look at ME, look at MY KIDS, look at MY LIFE to determine the best course of action, not what strangers choose to post about their kids.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

True.

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*gently* This is situation is just not sustainable as you have described. We are all only human after all. I wouldn't be able to cut it in your shoes either! Maybe that is what your husband is trying to tell you because he loves you? Not that you are not enough at all, just that *no one* could handle that much without cracking. School doesn't have to be a forever option, but IMHO something has to give. Either outsourcing and getting a better internet connection, getting a tutor for your oldest, putting some or all in school, getting a mother's helper for littles, etc. I couldn't manage all that has been listed in this thread without getting a stress disease and no one wants that for you or your family. Sorry it is so difficult right now!

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Make sure you actually figure out if you're earning any MONEY when it's all said and done by going back to work.  With the change in tax brackets, how it affects your insurance, cost of daycare, clothes, and gas, you may make nothing.

 

This is why I left my last paid position. I will be resuming employment at least PT after I get qualified for something that will pay a high enough wage to make sense financially.

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Op, I just want to point out that you have a situation, other than the dreadful medical problems for your oldest, that many people ENVY.  I think there's something cultish in our culture right now that tells people they're never good enough and not allowed to be happy.  You have fertility some women DREAM of (look at my sig!), and yet you feel you aren't doing enough.  You've gotten to homeschool.  You have all these nice things.  But no, by our christian community if you don't sew your own clothes, eat eggs from your own chickens, run camps during the summer, can your food for winter, mill your grain, cook beautiful things from scratch, have brilliant kids who DE in 9th grade and score scads of APs and go to college on a full ride (at least LAC, not some state school), then you still AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH!!

 

And don't think you think there's the re-adjustment of contentment and perspective?  You've been given a lot of gifts, so many gifts it's hard to know what to do with them all at once.  I think if it *is* the best thing for you to have some help schooling them, focusing on the gifts you have (not the additional gifts you wanted) can help.  I know someone who is not allowed to homeschool her kids because, like you, she had a scad of kids.  Her dh just really valued his family life and it wasn't going to work for their mix.  Other people do it with a bunch of kids and challenges, but they choose not to have any more kids.  What happens in a few months if you get pregnant again?  Seriously, then what is a sane, loving, appropriate, healthful answer?  

 

I just think somehow our christian culture has saddled us with this "must do it ALL" kind of image, and women have limits and frailties.  Do what brings your family peace.  Do what you can do with contentment and joy.  It is NOT doing less to make hard decisions.

 

Personally, I think you could go either way and have it work, but I'd get really honest with yourself about what this looks like. Usually, when I need to be that honest with myself, it means I need to get away, pray, and have some real time by myself for my head to think, QUIET, so I can hear the still small voice that isn't so clear when I'm in the crowds and shuffle.

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Sending you a big hug! I would most definitely not be able to handle 5 kids and homeschool. You'd have to be some sort of superhero to do all that without getting completely ground down. The days when it all goes well are wonderful, though, I know. If the kids do go to school, they probably get home around 3 or 3:30, so you will still have time to do fun projects, read, play outside together, go to the library, etc. You would still have time to work with your daughter on math.

 

I agree with what others have said about your husband's opinion. Not that he's right, who knows, but it's just so difficult to keep going when even your partner wants you to stop. It's so much pressure! If he's not going to encourage you homeschooling, then I feel like you're going to get too overwhelmed. Maybe you could figure out a way to "afterschool" or "weekend school" so you still get the family education time you envision.

 

I also agree about what OhElizabeth said about checking into your tax bracket. If your potential earnings would send you up to the next tax bracket, particularly if you have to pay for childcare, you may be better off staying at home. After all, taking care of little ones, making lunch boxes, preparing for the next day, etc. is a full time job in itself. If you're not going to benefit significantly from it, money-wise, staying home is a smart financial choice.

 

Good luck!!

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:grouphug:

 

For the record, I think you are right that sending the children to school would be exchanging one headache for another. Most of my time when homeschooling, I also had someone attending school. My olders did fine at private school, but took a lot of money, time and effort from us. I especially think you'll find frustration when adding part time work--and the need to pay for childcare and find someone to care for children on days you work when they're sick--into that whole mix. If you explore sending the children to school (and daycare $$$) and getting a part time job as your husband wants to do, it may be that after looking at all that would entail, you'll both come around to agreeing on continuing to homeschool.

 

:grouphug:

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Your oldest dd had a brain tumour and seizures but your dh thinks your homeschooling caused her learning difficulties? If she was in school wouldn't she be missing days due to illness?

 

I think if you can do English and math five days a week 90 PC of the time you will be fine.

 

We went through a similar dilemma where dh wanted to blame homeschooling for every issue in life. I agreed that we would do school the following year if things weren't better. The following year we decided on doing a long road trip. So we had to homeschool. By the end of that year we were settled into a much better routine overall so it worked out ok.

 

Why does he want you to work? It may be that he thinks you'd be better with more time away from home. I wonder how much thought he's given to juggling the logistics of work, childcare and school with that number of kids.

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Could you do something like time 4 learning as your default, and then add in the religion and literature as you could, on the good days? 

 

Otherwise, I'd be doing something like CLE for everyone. Not the wonderful idea of homeschooling you probably had, but the best curriculum is the one that gets done. Period. 

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Your oldest dd had a brain tumour and seizures but your dh thinks your homeschooling caused her learning difficulties? If she was in school wouldn't she be missing days due to illness?

 

I think if you can do English and math five days a week 90 PC of the time you will be fine.

 

We went through a similar dilemma where dh wanted to blame homeschooling for every issue in life. I agreed that we would do school the following year if things weren't better. The following year we decided on doing a long road trip. So we had to homeschool. By the end of that year we were settled into a much better routine overall so it worked out ok.

 

Why does he want you to work? It may be that he thinks you'd be better with more time away from home. I wonder how much thought he's given to juggling the logistics of work, childcare and school with that number of kids.

He wants her to be normal so badly that he can't admit that it's the tumor. He downplays all of her issues so much that I sometimes feel crazy.

 

And she would have missed a lot of days over the years. And who knows what the future holds. Med changes are the worst. If she was in school when those have happened in the past there would be no way she could keep pace.

 

He wants me to work bc I have the potential to earn a very nice salary. He wants to 'get ahead' although we have a nice amt of $$ in savings. We choose to live frugally so we can pay cash for things. He wants nicer house on lots of land & newer cars & be debt free. He worries about money constantly. i guess he thinks that if I worked his money worries would be over. But there are so many expenses related to working outside the home & the fact that we have 5 kids (one of which who has medical issues) means I won't be able to earn as much as he thinks.

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I get it, We have had norovirus followed by influenza while still juggling medical stuff, a house on the market, and my craziest toddler ever. That is life with a lot of littles.

 

Even on the bad days, school needs to happen. i may use different resources on bad days, but school would be happening after OT (and we'd likely be listening to SOTW in the car like we did yesterday).

 

Can you figure out a good day and an alternative day routine? Two alternative days where english and math happen but science and history are light would be acceptable to my Dh; doing only half a week of school week after week would be a dealbreaker.

 

It is not failure on mom's part if home life is too chaotic to homeschool. It is failure, IMO, to let pride and fear and ideals get in the way of your child being educated.

 

I still think you could make homeschooling happen, but a relaxed lifestyle doesn't mix well with lots of littles and SN kids and medical chaos. Fwiw, my daughter who died of brain cancer fit between my boys--my five kids were also born within ten years. I would look for advice from other moms with lots of littles. If you haven't lived it, you don't get it. (((Hugs)))

I re-read this just now & don't know why I felt upset reading it the first time. I can be too sensitive at times & I am sorry. It is very good advice. Thank you!

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He also thinks that DDs LD are my fault. He has no confidence in my ability to do this successfully.

 

I am so sorry your family is facing this.

 

He is wrong to say this. It may be coming from a place of pain for him. Please remember that when he starts accusing, it is coming from his pain, not the truth about learning disorders. I know you know that on some level, but you need a mantra to get through it.

 

:grouphug:

 

As for working outside the home--when kids are under the age of six, it's expensive. I'm breaking even. It sounds insane but I am. And I make decent money. Our combined salaries put us in the top 15%. But at least half my salary goes to child care expenses and she's in kindergarten. That's just the full-day kindergarten and bridge care until I get home to pick them all up.

 

With so many under six, I am not really sure going back to work will make you money, particularly as the child care tax credit is a pittance.

 

Having kids is expensive. I also worry about money. But money worries never end. You need to speak with someone about this, a counselor, because if he's worried about newer cars, then, there are perception issues that need to be sorted out. Newsflash, bud: five kids means old cars, I don't know ANYONE who has it any different except people in the top five levels of Microsoft. I live within walking distance of Microsoft. I see the nice cars. They do not belong to people with five kids. Microsoft families with five kids live in small houses too, with average cars. Most of us just have two kids and it's still expensive.

 

So that issue--his beliefs about what life ought to be like, vs. reality--that is an issue for counseling.

 

That can be very hurtful to you.

 

And regardless of whether you homeschool or public or private school, sticking with your kids thick and thin is never a failure.

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A few thoughts:

 

Can you hire a mother's helper for a few hours a day/week?  That might give you some breathing room and time to focus on the important stuff while letting your helper watch the others, etc.

 

School is not nec. a bad thing.  So much depends on your school district.  Depending on the services available, your older dd might get a lot of extra help and therapy without having you have to drive an hour away and get therapy just once a week.

 

Are there any men/couples your husband respects and could talk to?  I know you said that he would not go to therapy but the reality is that a very high percentage of the marriages where there is a special needs child ends in divorce.  Even more than the ideal school/learning environment, your kids need a stable home life with parents who are connected.  I would try to make this a priority as much as you can.  Would your dh be more open to help, support group, etc. if you told him that you value him so much that you want the best for your marriage?  

 

It can be very hard for men to deal with special needs children, as much as they love them, it just seems emotionally a lot harder on them than the moms.  Sometimes being with other men in similar situations can help.  Men often want to "fix" things for the people they love and he can't "fix" your daughter

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Op, I just want to point out that you have a situation, other than the dreadful medical problems for your oldest, that many people ENVY. I think there's something cultish in our culture right now that tells people they're never good enough and not allowed to be happy. You have fertility some women DREAM of (look at my sig!), and yet you feel you aren't doing enough. You've gotten to homeschool. You have all these nice things. But no, by our christian community if you don't sew your own clothes, eat eggs from your own chickens, run camps during the summer, can your food for winter, mill your grain, cook beautiful things from scratch, have brilliant kids who DE in 9th grade and score scads of APs and go to college on a full ride (at least LAC, not some state school), then you still AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH!!

 

And don't think you think there's the re-adjustment of contentment and perspective? You've been given a lot of gifts, so many gifts it's hard to know what to do with them all at once. I think if it *is* the best thing for you to have some help schooling them, focusing on the gifts you have (not the additional gifts you wanted) can help. I know someone who is not allowed to homeschool her kids because, like you, she had a scad of kids. Her dh just really valued his family life and it wasn't going to work for their mix. Other people do it with a bunch of kids and challenges, but they choose not to have any more kids. What happens in a few months if you get pregnant again? Seriously, then what is a sane, loving, appropriate, healthful answer?

 

I just think somehow our christian culture has saddled us with this "must do it ALL" kind of image, and women have limits and frailties. Do what brings your family peace. Do what you can do with contentment and joy. It is NOT doing less to make hard decisions.

 

Personally, I think you could go either way and have it work, but I'd get really honest with yourself about what this looks like. Usually, when I need to be that honest with myself, it means I need to get away, pray, and have some real time by myself for my head to think, QUIET, so I can hear the still small voice that isn't so clear when I'm in the crowds and shuffle.

I have been thinking about all you said & just want to say thank you. I am having a hard time putting my thoughts into words but so much of what you said touched my heart.

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Romans 8:26--And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. (New Living Translation)

 

I think it's ok to be groaning and not know what to do.  It's a good position to be in, because then *God* can provide for you.  And really, I've been amazed by the helpful, kind people in our district.  It might be some of them could be your blessing for a year.  Or maybe going through the IEP process would help you sort out what they could provide for your kids and for which kids that *could* be a good choice and for which it wouldn't.  

 

Don't be afraid.  Make hard decisions, own 'em, and don't be afraid.  I know catholics who put their kids in baptist christian schools, and this sorta blows my mind because if there was ANYONE out to convert a catholic and tell them their doctrine was errant, it would be an IFB baptist, kwim?  And yet somehow those catholics have enough faith in their teaching, their God, etc. to put them into an antagonistic setting and trust it to pan out.  They just step up the teaching at home.  I don't know what you should do.  I'm just saying I'm inspired by these people who aren't AFRAID but make the right decision and follow it through. 

 

I was raised with a lot of fear techniques.  Preachers would tell us we were gonna die and stand before God and watch this long HOME MOVIE of everything we had done and REGRET, REGRET, REGRET things.  Then I got to Bible college, started taking theology classes, and realizing it's not like that.  God doesn't want us to live a life of fear and regrets and He's not holding mistakes and failings over our heads.  We're going to be weak, mess up, make decisions we might have done differently with more hindsite, etc., and it's OK.  It's all in the providence of God, even the things that are very confusing and not going well, and it's OK.  

 

Or maybe I'm just the only one that took their comments so b&w and literally?   :lol:  But seriously, I think that's why we're seeing such a shift in churches and the type of theology that's popular, because people are tired of being controlled through FEAR, fear that if they don't dress a certain way, perform a certain way, do everything a certain way, our kids will turn out wrong, God will be displeased with us, and so on.  All He ever wanted was for us to serve with integrity, love mercy, and walk humbly.  But somehow that mercy never applies to our own failings, never gives us permission to be *fearless* and go forward.  That's what Heidi whatever her name is was talking about at the convention, being FEARLESS.  :)

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What ottakee said...DH wanted things "fixed". When he couldn't do that he wanted something or someone else to blame that, if it was changed, would "fix" the kids. And a pretty quick fix was his goal. None of this long term stuff.

Yes! DH isn't happy that I put DD in 1at grade CLE though she is 3rd grade. He doesn't understand that it is giving her confidence, laying a very solid foundation, shoring up shaky skills, etc. He just can't get behind it. When I say-she did great in math today-he says well she should be doing great it's 1st grade math. I am trying to explain the long term but he doesn't get it. Which makes me doubt the path we are on. But he isn't the one who spends hours reading, researching, planning, & then teaching.

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Yes! DH isn't happy that I put DD in 1at grade CLE though she is 3rd grade. He doesn't understand that it is giving her confidence, laying a very solid foundation, shoring up shaky skills, etc. He just can't get behind it. When I say-she did great in math today-he says well she should be doing great it's 1st grade math. I am trying to explain the long term but he doesn't get it. Which makes me doubt the path we are on. But he isn't the one who spends hours reading, researching, planning, & then teaching.

It is likely hard for him to accept that his daughter has some limitations right now.

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A few thoughts:

 

Can you hire a mother's helper for a few hours a day/week? That might give you some breathing room and time to focus on the important stuff while letting your helper watch the others, etc.

 

School is not nec. a bad thing. So much depends on your school district. Depending on the services available, your older dd might get a lot of extra help and therapy without having you have to drive an hour away and get therapy just once a week.

 

Are there any men/couples your husband respects and could talk to? I know you said that he would not go to therapy but the reality is that a very high percentage of the marriages where there is a special needs child ends in divorce. Even more than the ideal school/learning environment, your kids need a stable home life with parents who are connected. I would try to make this a priority as much as you can. Would your dh be more open to help, support group, etc. if you told him that you value him so much that you want the best for your marriage?

 

It can be very hard for men to deal with special needs children, as much as they love them, it just seems emotionally a lot harder on them than the moms. Sometimes being with other men in similar situations can help. Men often want to "fix" things for the people they love and he can't "fix" your daughter

We do have a mother's helper that comes one afternoon a week. She babysits while I take DD to OT (down the road). I can run errands during OT. Then I come home & pay bills, planning, prepping, etc while she plays with kids & does light cleaning. I would like for her to come another day a week but VT is taking up a lot of our funds right now. We cut back on her time here bc of that.

 

The VT is what is so far away. OT is in town. I think she would probably get the same amt of OT at PS. The VT would be winding down by the time school starts in Aug.

 

DH won't even talk to our pastor-who he loves & has a great relationship with. Last year I told our pastor about some of our struggles & he was shocked. DH seems to have it together at church & work. Pastor took DH to lunch & DH played it down I think. Nothing else ever came of it. Pastor probably thinks I was crazy or hormonal. My MIL & all my family sees it too though.

 

I have tried every angle I can think of to get DH to wake up to reality. It's like talking to a brick wall. And I always walk away wondering if it really is all my fault.

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I am so sorry your family is facing this.

 

He is wrong to say this. It may be coming from a place of pain for him. Please remember that when he starts accusing, it is coming from his pain, not the truth about learning disorders. I know you know that on some level, but you need a mantra to get through it.

 

:grouphug:

 

As for working outside the home--when kids are under the age of six, it's expensive. I'm breaking even. It sounds insane but I am. And I make decent money. Our combined salaries put us in the top 15%. But at least half my salary goes to child care expenses and she's in kindergarten. That's just the full-day kindergarten and bridge care until I get home to pick them all up.

 

With so many under six, I am not really sure going back to work will make you money, particularly as the child care tax credit is a pittance.

 

Having kids is expensive. I also worry about money. But money worries never end. You need to speak with someone about this, a counselor, because if he's worried about newer cars, then, there are perception issues that need to be sorted out. Newsflash, bud: five kids means old cars, I don't know ANYONE who has it any different except people in the top five levels of Microsoft. I live within walking distance of Microsoft. I see the nice cars. They do not belong to people with five kids. Microsoft families with five kids live in small houses too, with average cars. Most of us just have two kids and it's still expensive.

 

So that issue--his beliefs about what life ought to be like, vs. reality--that is an issue for counseling.

 

That can be very hurtful to you.

 

And regardless of whether you homeschool or public or private school, sticking with your kids thick and thin is never a failure.

Thank you. I am now realizing this isn't a homeschool vs public school issue. It's a marriage issue.

 

I plan to make appt with my counselor for next week. Maybe I need to involve pastor again. He isn't great with mental health type things but I know he would pray & be supportive.

 

I am also going to call Montessori school & set up tour. I am also thinking about what to ask public schools.

 

You all have been very helpful. Sorry I was so sensitive earlier in the thread.

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If I were to bet, I would say your DH is suffering from depression.  He can keep it together in public but he is entertaining an negative spiral of thoughts on the inside. Depression sometimes makes you want to find something outside of yourself to blame for everything.  I know you can't make him get help, but I hope he does at some point.  :grouphug:

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