What would you do? Re: Child does not want to HS

[MEmama]

Someone did actually imply to let him go because he wants. Post #38, or at least, that's how I read it.

 

eta: I think you were editing the same time I was posting.

I'm surprised that listening to our kids is considered caving or giving in. I don't know the OP's reason for homeschooling, but if it were me--and the title of the thread begins with What Would You Do so I assumed that's what she is looking for--I wouldn't homeschool a child who is 1. Not doing well at home (emotionally) but does do well for others, 2. Asking to return to ps (especially since he's had experience with it), 3. Accusing me of not educating him, and 4. Who has other issues that in combination with homeschooling isues are taxing our family relationship.

 

Wanting to spend time with friends is a perfectly normal reason for an eight year old to be in school, and feeling like he's missing out may cause real issues down the road. I know at that age many of my son's friends were horrified at the idea of spending all day at home and "missing out" on the fun at school. Personally, no, I wouldn't play that game. I would look for ways for him to make a seamless reentry into the school system in September, and I'd get him on board. For me in that situation it would mean he has to work at therapy and whatever other issues he's having, because that kind of behavior won't be tolerated at school. I would turn it from the negative it is now into a positive--giving him the control to change the stressful situations (both the therapy he doesn't buy into and homeschooling).

 

But ultimately it doesn't matter because the OP wants to keep him home and is looking for validation in that decision. That's fine and I'm glad she's gotten some good ideas here. We all have our kids best interests at heart; thankfully there are many ways of showing that. :)

[Renai]

I'm surprised that listening to our kids is considered caving or giving in.

 

Since I was quoted, I'm responding. I never suggested this. I responded to a very specific post, which has since been deleted, so I deleted their quote. It had to do with not seeing any post saying to let him go just because he wanted to. I said there was. That was it.

 

Anyway, the OP has said she spoke with her son and they were working things out. For the record, my opinion is that sending a child to school just because friends are there is not a valid reason. There are other outlets for friends besides school. Although OP states the boy's attitude, he was still working, and he's so far ahead, they can afford to take a long mental health break and just do things he's really interested in. I would try that route first before just sticking him in school "because he wants to." It's basically sending the message that he can manipulate the situation through his behavior to get what he wants. It's not ok in either camp - mom's or child's. I'm glad they are talking about it, because it is definitely needed in this situation.

 

And, you're right, there is no way that behavior would be accepted in school. He would have to show some kind of behavior change at home before allowing him to go to school.

 

eta: I actually did place my dd in 3rd grade, for very different reasons, at the end of January (many years ago). I pulled her out after a month, lol! We all agreed it was best. I was working from home full time and felt she wasn't getting as much schoolwork done as she should. In that month, I found out she was doing less at school. Nothing against the school - I've always tutored there, I did my student teaching there, I knew the teachers, etc., it just wasn't for us. She's now at a state performing arts charter, so I absolutely have nothing against schools).

[pitterpatter]

I haven't read everything, but would sending him to public school summer school be an option? Around here, anyone can register and in the lower grades it's mostly enrichment activities.

[Sahamamama]

Here is the problem...he is very strong willed, VERY. He is almost like 2 different people. He can be the most kind, loving, giving, young man, but then he can be the most unloving, mean, and disrespectful person you've ever seen. When he gets upset, he looses it! He will throw things and say the most hurtful things. The one thing that always comes to the forefront is that he is angry that he is being homeschooled. He says he doesn't want to anymore and wants to go to PS.

How will putting him in PS change these ugly, undesirable character traits? Does your PS focus on shaping a student's character? Perhaps this is why your son is at home with you, because you care enough about him to help him grow into a strong, self-controlled, beautiful, and kind person.

 

What you have described is behavior, not academics. Your son needs to change his underlying attitude towards you, and he needs to replace his unloving, disrespectful, hurtful behaviors with loving, respectful, kind behaviors. If I had a child behaving in this manner, I would not allow it to continue. It would be a higher priority than any aspect of academics, to answer the question, "Are we in a healthy, loving, mutually respectful relationship with each other?" If outside help (e.g., counseling) was needed, we would pursue that option.

 

Giftedness is not a license to abuse other people, especially one's parents.

[OneStepAtATime]

How will putting him in PS change these ugly, undesirable character traits? Does your PS focus on shaping a student's character? Perhaps this is why your son is at home with you, because you care enough about him to help him grow into a strong, self-controlled, beautiful, and kind person.

 

What you have described is behavior, not academics. Your son needs to change his underlying attitude towards you, and he needs to replace his unloving, disrespectful, hurtful behaviors with loving, respectful, kind behaviors. If I had a child behaving in this manner, I would not allow it to continue. It would be a higher priority than any aspect of academics, to answer the question, "Are we in a healthy, loving, mutually respectful relationship with each other?" If outside help (e.g., counseling) was needed, we would pursue that option.

 

Giftedness is not a license to abuse other people, especially one's parents.

I understand what you are saying but this is easier said than done.  There are many underlying issues that can make changing a behavior a HUGE, painful, challenging journey.  A journey that may last a lifetime in some instances.  Not saying this is what OP is facing.  I just want to point out that unless a parent has faced dealing with a child with underlying non-NT issues, they may not realize this is not a control thing, as in, you are my child and you will learn these ways of behavior and then everything is fine.  Statements like this can be terribly hurtful to parents facing issues with non-NT kids.

 

And I have seen first hand some kids turn from miserable kids who are really hard to teach into very involved, pleasant people who care about academics just from a change of venue. For some it is homeschooling.  For others it is going to ps.  Or private school.  Or a charter school.  Depends on the child and the circumstances.  

[Tiramisu]

One of my DDs was very similiar to the OP's ds. In the middle of third grade I sent her to school. She wanted to go to school but that's not why I sent her. I made that decision because she was clearly suffering from depression and we were all affected by it and feeling desperate. We had tried therapy, supplements, and constant activities to satify her needs but left me and the rest of the kids feeling completely ragged. I was not ready to try meds. PS was a reasonable fix. The structured activity and no down time helped her mood significantly. She appreciated that we cared enough about her to be attentive to her feelings and her needs. Unfortunately, the underlying problem did not go away, and depression and anxiety do not mix well with puberty and public middle school. I was very satisfied with the choice I made for four years but now I wonder if I should not have been more pro-active with meds.

 

My next dd is now that age and starting to become more moody and difficult with school work and we are sorting out the cause, if it's a recent trauma, illness, etc. Interestingly, my dd who went back to school in third grade and has taken that path is vehemently opposed to her younger sister being sent to school. Her opinion is that if a kid really wants to go to school, parents should listen (we live in a safe area with good schools so that colors her perspective), but hs is always better. Her reasons are mostly the negative social influences.

 

I feel strongly that the problems with the OP's ds will not go away. School might help temporarily, but she may not be happy with the long-term result. I would not stop therapy or seeking out medical treatment. My dd was really difficult during therapy sessions and wouldn't talk. Then she wouldn't go at all. I had to wait years until she was willing to go again and it was very hard for our entire family during that time.

[LucyStoner]

How will putting him in PS change these ugly, undesirable character traits? Does your PS focus on shaping a student's character? Perhaps this is why your son is at home with you, because you care enough about him to help him grow into a strong, self-controlled, beautiful, and kind person.

 

What you have described is behavior, not academics. Your son needs to change his underlying attitude towards you, and he needs to replace his unloving, disrespectful, hurtful behaviors with loving, respectful, kind behaviors. If I had a child behaving in this manner, I would not allow it to continue. It would be a higher priority than any aspect of academics, to answer the question, "Are we in a healthy, loving, mutually respectful relationship with each other?" If outside help (e.g., counseling) was needed, we would pursue that option.

 

Giftedness is not a license to abuse other people, especially one's parents.

Being explosive and not knowing *yet* how to manage big feelings and big emotions is not a character deficency anymore than being a late reader or struggling with one's gross motor skills is a character issue.

 

Certainly giftedness is not a license to be a become a mean person but an explosive child (gifted or not) is not a mean person, they are a child. Labelling them as having bad character or being abusers doesn't do one single thing to help the family or the child actually solve the issue at hand.

 

Some kids need to be taught to read very meticulously. My older son didn't need to be taught to read but he did need to be taught, with great intentionality, how to manage his feelings and express them appropriately. He was not however, exhibiting a character deficiency. He was being a young child with a neurological difference. My younger son is fairly neurotypical and still needed at least some of same sort of active work on learning to deal with his emotions and anger appropriately.

[kwg]

I have not read all the responses but my second child went through a period of wanting to go to school especially when we were going twice a week for speech.  My response was always a calm and happy "in our family we do not go to school until (I think I said high school)" and in this case I would add "but dude if you want to be with friends more often,  that is totally possible. Should we invite so and so? For a play date or for a learning thing?  And if he said "you are not teaching me enough" I would cheerfully say what do you want to learn? nad then we would go for it.  

 

ETA- but if you were to enroll him for the rest of this school year I do not think the world would stop turning either.  I mean, it might help.  Because after rereading it sounds like you may have already tried a lot of these things.

[AimeeM]

When homeschooling starts negatively affecting the parent/child relationship, and there are no sincerely pressing issues why a child shouldn't go to school (i.e. it's unsafe at the zoned school, learning disabilities, etc), it's time to consider things other than homeschooling.

I think it's lovely, but a bit idealistic, to think that one can "fix" any relationship or behaviour problems with a child home, and that these things definitely become "worse" in school. That simply isn't always true, especially when the child's personality is simply such that they do better in group learning situations.

I've been there, and I've done that. DD spent last year at a private school for dyslexics. It was terrible for her academically, but I will say this - I don't know that I regret doing it. We were having a rough go of it at home, with our relationship suffering, because she badly wanted to be in brick and mortar school, and her hormones were raging. If that year, last year, in private school did nothing else, it DID allow us to mend our relationship. She's back to happy-go-lucky Red now. We needed some space.

[woolybear]

Anxiety issues aside, can he shadow a day at school and see that it is not what he thinks it is?

 

I would caution that perhaps it will be what he thinks it is or enough so that he wants to be there. What then? I think the op needs to be ready for that possibility if did shadow or enroll there.

 

I cautioned my ds about Ps--more homework, less free time, not really a chance to hang out with friends, etc. However, in the end, I was wrong. At least from his perspective.