WWYD - awkward neighbor interactions

[ondreeuh]

We moved last summer to a new neighborhood, and today I met the neighbor who lives across the street from me as we were both picking up mail. He was very friendly and said he and his wife would love to have my husband and I over for tea sometime (he just assumed I was married, but OK). I explained that my husband was out of state and we chatted about that for a bit. Then he said his wife would love to chat with me and I could come by for tea and a donut. Then he reached for his wallet and said, "I'll tell you what. My wife works, but she has these two days a week free. Why don't you call her when you're ready to come over?" I said sure, that sounded great, and he told me a long and cute story about how he chose the photo for the business card he was handing me. He was charming in a grandfatherly way and I went along with it. Then as I walked home I looked at the card and it just had the names of him and his wife, our city, their phone number, and "Purveyors of the Gospel" written on it.

 

I feel like I just walked into a trap. I really think the chances that this is just a "meet our neighbors" offer is extremely slim. I hate confrontation but am getting better about cutting off the random evangelists I meet. It's a little different with neighbors because this could come up again and again unless they know better. Now, the mail lady - she assumes that I share her beliefs because I homeschool, and I just let her believe that because she's not propositioning me and it doesn't matter.

 

ETA: Everyone has been kind of holed up over the winter, but now that we are nearing spring I will likely see him and his wife as we'll all be outside a lot more often.

 

Oh, and pretend this isn't a Christian/Non-Christian type of issue. Imagine that someone approached you as an evangelist for any religion that is essentially the opposite of yours.

[zoobie]

It's a trap! Listen to your gut!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm a Christian.  I believe in sharing my faith but not pushing it.  I would lose the card.  For one thing, I personally would not be comfortable going to tea with a woman I had never met.  I'd want to chat over the mailbox a lot more before going over for tea even if the gospel might not be a subject because I'd want to know if we clicked enough for that kind of socializing.  (I know all my neighbors so I'm not a keep to myself person at all!)

[Pegs]

I voted rainbow flag, because I've done it before and know it's effective.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

You know, the type to have a business card like that, and to charmingly force you into a visit...that's already lacking in boundaries. I mean, he is telling you he's on a mission and you're the target.

 

I wouldn't throw this back in their faces unless they move forward on their evangelical track, just in case he is indeed able to take a subtle hint after he's done his duty and broached the topic, but I would be too busy for tea and I'd lose the card.

 

I'd be hoping the meetings at the mailbox, while walking the dogs, whatever, would be cordial and the relationship could grow in a normal way over time. Good neighbors are a precious thing. I hope they'll see you as a good neighbor and not a project.

 

 

[Slartibartfast]

I am a Christian and I would be delighted to see rainbow flags and gay bumper stickers. 

 

They are  your neighbors, they aren't carrying a plague. They are going to be your neighbors for awhile unless you plan on moving soon. Good neighbors are a great thing to have. Firmly setting boundaries if they start evangelizing or pushing beliefs that you disagree with towards you would be appropriate.

 

 

[ondreeuh]

I am a Christian and I would be delighted to see rainbow flags and gay bumper stickers. 

 

You would be in a VERY tiny minority where I live. I don't think I've met a liberal Christian up here, and it's a very safe assumption that he and his wife are extremely conservative all the way around.

 

[Slartibartfast]

You would be in a VERY tiny minority where I live. I don't think I've met a liberal Christian up here, and it's a very safe assumption that he and his wife are extremely conservative all the way around.

 

 

 

I am in the minority here too, the closest University to me is Bob Jones.   :lol: We have managed to find some like-minded people here though.  

[Amy in NH]

Can you hang the rainbow flag, bring the cookies, AND pass the bean dip?

[Ailaena]

 

I've gone into a situation like this. I figured I wasn't going to be converted to whatever, maybe people would be slightly friendlier, and if it was awful, I would never have to go back. Only one time was it absolutely awful and I quickly excused myself. It never made anybody friendlier, but I'm apparently not all that friendly in the first place :p

[ktgrok]

Lose the card, and if you do belong to a different relgion, mention it the next time you see him. If you are simply not religious, just lose the card and change the subject a lot.

[Carol in Cal.]

I voted for bringing cookies and speaking out on boundaries.  I think that boundaries that are set at the beginning are easier to hold onto.

Plus they are something to fall back on if these people invite your kids to VBS or something.

[Farrar]

If they weren't your neighbors, I'd definitely just lose the card. As it is... I feel like you should maybe try to see them in a less formal situation than stopping in for tea and drop some clear hints that you're not a good target but you'd like to stay on kind neighborly terms. So I guess "lose" the card, but approach them if you see them out and about. Hopefully on a day when you just happen to be wearing a "I am not a follower of your brand of religion" shirt.

[staceyobu]

It was kinda nice that he gave you the card.  Now you have a heads up before you fell for the donuts.

[ondreeuh]

The more I think about it, the more I'm just confused. Who DOES that? I'm trying to imagine my husband meeting a female neighbor at the mailbox and giving her the family business card so she can call me when she is ready for me to serve her tea and donuts. That takes some balls. And what would I say? "Yur husband invited me over for a play date and I'm ready to come on Tuesday?" He was so confident I just kind of went along with it but now it seems so weird.

[staceyobu]

Yeah.  I agree.  It's pretty odd.  I'd probably not respond even if I didn't think it was an evangelizing deal.  

 

Of course, if you ever run out of cereal...  You now have a back up plan.

[SKL]

I have friends and have had neighbors who are in religions that teach that they must "witness."  They may be very nice people trying to do their "duty" as they have been taught.  They are instructed in ways to approach and "witness to" people, and in all the various ways people on the receiving end will respond.  I've never met any who were aggressive or obnoxious; they shut up and leave when you ask them to.  The ones I know are able to separate their friendships from their faith when it comes to differing beliefs.

 

I agree with the pp who said it was nice that they warned you.  I voted that I'd "lose the card," because it was obviously an invitation to be evangelized to, and you don't want to.  If you never call, after saying you would (before seeing the card), they will know exactly why.  It's your way of telling them you don't want that kind of relationship with them.

 

I don't recommend going over there and trying to talk to them about your religious views, or feelings about evangelism.  If you start engaging them, they will get the impression that you are open to discussing faith, and that will encourage them to keep trying.  On the other hand, the worst thing you can do is give them the satisfaction of being "persecuted" for their faith.  That's like an accomplishment, it earns them points in Heaven or something.

 

I'd just go on treating them like every other non-intimate acquaintance, being polite and considerate and not too chatty.  If the topic of religion comes up in person, make a matter-of-fact statement that you are not interested in discussing religious beliefs.  And then change the subject.

[Reefgazer]

I checked the first box...that I'd go with the homemade cookies.  I'd go because I'd be curious about my new neighbors and nosy about their décor, LOL!  I'd also go because I would assume they are just being neighborly and I like to meet new people in my neighborhood.  So I'd give them a try.

[IsabelC]

OK, this is possibly a slightly aspergery and socially inappropriate response, but you asked what we would personally do, so here goes: I would phone the woman and say something like "Your husband kindly invited me to visit you, and I said that would be nice. But once I looked at your card I realized that you seem to be quite religious. I think I should let you know that I am not at all interested in your faith (or not interested in religion, or belong to another religion, or whatever applies that you are comfortable to divulge), because I would not want you to think that I am interested and then be disappointed. So if you'd still like to have that cuppa and would be OK with us not discussing religion [this bit is crucial, otherwise she is likely to deny any evangelical intent but try it on anyway], I'd be delighted to come, otherwise I'll give it a miss thanks." And leave the decision up to her. 

[ondreeuh]

I'm thinking that I will avoid the issue, and if he brings it up again just say that after thinking about it a bit I decided that I wasn't comfortable inviting myself over since I hadn't even met his wife before.

[HS Mom in NC]

OK, this is possibly a slightly aspergery and socially inappropriate response, but you asked what we would personally do, so here goes: I would phone the woman and say something like "Your husband kindly invited me to visit you, and I said that would be nice. But once I looked at your card I realized that you seem to be quite religious. I think I should let you know that I am not at all interested in your faith (or not interested in religion, or belong to another religion, or whatever applies that you are comfortable to divulge), because I would not want you to think that I am interested and then be disappointed. So if you'd still like to have that cuppa and would be OK with us not discussing religion [this bit is crucial, otherwise she is likely to deny any evangelical intent but try it on anyway], I'd be delighted to come, otherwise I'll give it a miss thanks." And leave the decision up to her. 

 

I'm a Christian and I think it's weird to put "purveyors of the gospel" on card. I'm all for evangelizing but I believe the verse that says, "Be prepared to give an answer for the hope that have in Christ...†assumes someone has asked a question about your religious views first.

[IsabelC]

Not to mention that a 'purveyor' is usually selling things, whereas presumably you would be sharing the gospel freely if somebody is asking.

[myfunnybunch]

I would assume good intent. I would want to meet new neighbors, and I assume that these folks are the same, wanting to be neighborly. :)

 

*I* would go over with a plate of cookies and be prepared to nod and smile, just as I would if the new neighbors decided to natter on and on about any other interest I may not share: Their lawn (and all the amazing things I could do to mine), how 'bout them Ducks, their amazing dog, underwater basketweaving..... Meh. Folks get all excited about all kinds of stuff I don't care about, and I usually nod and smile and make chit-chat and eventually try to change the subject.

 

I would also have a ready excuse as to why I couldn't stay long, and make it as soon as I handed over the cookies, then skedaddle after a few minutes of getting-to-know you chit-chat unless the conversation was flowing really naturally.

 

I would also come *prepared* to do option two, politely set some boundaries. Never hurts to have a few of those tucked into your back pocket anyway. "Thanks, but I prefer not to discuss religion, politics, or sports with the neighbors, ha ha. Keeps things nice and friendly. How 'bout this gorgeous/nasty/boring weather we've been having?"

 

Hopefully they are perfectly nice people who just want to be friendly and meet new people. :)

 

Cat

[Melissa in Australia]

I would think they are being neighbourly and go over with cookies and ever after give them a polite wave or smile and generally avoid them. I believe in trying to maintain polite friendly terms with neighbours

[Night Elf]

I'd meet with them for tea and if they bring up religion, I'd say I'm sorry I don't discuss religion with people I don't know well. If they persisted I'm afraid I'd ruin the relationship because I'd say we must not have anything to discuss so I should just leave. I'd be afraid if I just nodded and smiled that they'd feel they were getting through to me and continue to invite me over to talk more. I'd call on her day off though. I don't think it's weird he wanted you to set up a tea date with his wife though. I'm sure they've been in their religion long enough to have a plan they follow when they meet new people. Maybe she meets with the women and he meets with the men?

[Pamela H in Texas]

I only read the first response so far.  

 

I don't think it is a trap in the least.  It is neighborly.  

 

I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses.  We *really* believe in sharing scriptural hope.  We knock on doors.  We talk to strangers in the subway or the doctor's office or in the forest in 230some lands around the world!  However, we are neighbors, family, friends, patients, teachers, etc to a variety of people.  My neighbors do not feel bombarded or trapped by my religion.  I would guess they rarely think about it!  I can be respectful of them and they are respectful of me (usually). I don't think Ms. Barbara is trying to convert me because she mentions something about church or invites us to an Easter egg hunt.  She doesn't think I'm pushy if I mention the Memorial for Jesus is tomorrow night.  Not every conversation with Steve or Jean mentions anything religious at all.  Last conversation with Steve was about the lawn and Benjamin's name (Steve has decided to call him BW).  Last conversation with Jean was about her weight loss.  We wave, smile, etc.  No big deal.   

 

Now, my current "family card" doesn't have anything "witness-y" on it, but I have thought about a redesign and it will have the jw.org logo on it, for sure.  

 

I would give them a chance to the degree you would for anyone.  I'm not really a "go over for tea" kind of person (and we're a big family, usually bigger).  I'd likely just not do that, but I could be friendly, chat for a few minutes (or longer, even) when we're all outside and have a little time, etc.  And just like you mention the kids' sports, I'd expect to hear about how they just got back from a covered dish event at church.  Just like you mention your diet beliefs or homeschooling, I'd expect that on occasion, they may say something like "scripture assures us that these struggles are temporary and we will have peace forever" or may invite you to some special service at their church.  

 

I guess what I really think is that two sentences about something important to someone here and there should not be able to prevent or destroy a relationship.  

 

The fact that you haven't already heard about these people suggests they aren't completely inappropriate, going to trap you in the house and then hound you every time you check the mail from now until eternity.  Another neighbor would have mentioned if they have no ability to control themselves.  You would have been warned.  

 

 

ETA: I have to say I agree with Andrea that the interaction is weird.  And I would be uncomfy in that way.  Like Jean, I really feel like I'd need a lot more mailbox time and wifey can invite me herself. 

ETA2: BTW, and I would EXPECT that at some point they will ask something about "have you found a church home yet?" At least here, that is a common question the first few months people are new to an area. 

[AimeeM]

I would go. I'm probably a bit jaded because, even though we live in BJU land (like, literally down the street) and an area where Witnesses come knocking frequently, the specific subdivision I live in very diverse (regarding religion), and is VERY friendly/close-knit. 

I think it's great that you have a potential "head's up", though. Use that to your advantage.

 

"Have you found a church home yet?"

"We're very happy where we are! Thanks for asking, though. So, about those petunias..."

 

"Do you have a relationship with Jesus?"

"My relationships are very strong! By the way, your grass looks great for the time of you; who does your landscaping?"

 

 

[kristi26]

I'm a Christian.  If that's truly their intention, then they are, in essence, beating you over the head with the gospel.  That's not exactly the way Jesus would have us share our faith. ;) I voted "lose the card" because that would be awkward.  Talk outside a LOT more before going for tea- that's what I'd do. Good luck with this!

[zoobie]

The more I think about it, the more I'm just confused. Who DOES that? I'm trying to imagine my husband meeting a female neighbor at the mailbox and giving her the family business card so she can call me when she is ready for me to serve her tea and donuts. That takes some balls. And what would I say? "Yur husband invited me over for a play date and I'm ready to come on Tuesday?" He was so confident I just kind of went along with it but now it seems so weird.

The interaction made you uncomfortable from the beginning. That's enough reason not to do it. The card was the icing on the cake. If he had seemed super awesome up until that point, maybe... But he gave you a pre-printed, engraved confirmation that something isn't quite right. It's really okay to remain a cordial mailbox waver until you know them and the area better.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

Oh, and pretend this isn't a Christian/Non-Christian type of issue. Imagine that someone approached you as an evangelist for any religion that is essentially the opposite of yours.

 

But did he approach you as an evangelist?  It seems more like he approached you as a neighbor.  Yeah, he had the card - that is a little weird.   But, maybe he's also just trying to meet his neighbors.

 

As others have said...

 

I'd go over with cookies, meet them, get to know them a little. If religion comes up, just say something like "I'm happy where I'm at, thanks, and prefer not to get into that now" and then go on with another topic.

 

Be straightforward with them.  You may find they are straightforward with you and you might develop a nice neighborly relationship.  Or not.  But at least you'd know.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I'd probably stall and "lose the card".  They'll ask again, heck she might just show up at your door one day next week.  Eventually either over the mailbox or over tea you're going to just have to tell them that your beliefs don't match their own.

 

 

I'm often flabbergasted by how many people continue to try to convert me after I've explained that I'm an atheist, I've had to get rude and I hate being rude.  

[Guest]

When people show you who they are, believe them.

 

I'd wave from the mailbox, make friendly chatter about the bushes but that would be it. I have no desire to have my soul judged by my neighbors and, to me, that is what this kind of thing is. They are worried you will go to Hell if they don't save you. Btdt. No thanks.

[Guest]

But did he approach you as an evangelist? It seems more like he approached you as a neighbor. Yeah, he had the card - that is a little weird. But, maybe he's also just trying to meet his neighbors.

 

As others have said...

 

I'd go over with cookies, meet them, get to know them a little. If religion comes up, just say something like "I'm happy where I'm at, thanks, and prefer not to get into that now" and then go on with another topic.

 

Be straightforward with them. You may find they are straightforward with you and you might develop a nice neighborly relationship. Or not. But at least you'd know.

See, I've never had 'just a neighbor' aggressively try to befriend me. I have had people who wanted to save my poor Catholic soul aggressively try to befriend me.

[gardenmom5]

I would meet with them, draw boundaries - but only because they lived across the street from me.  I would prefer to have a good relationship with a neighbor so close - then see how it goes.  I would also have neutral subjects all ready to go to discuss if I needed to derail or shut-down an inappropriate topic.  

 

 if they were someone random, or further away down the street, I would lose the card.

 

I would absolutely not go out of my way to deliberately antagonize them with my different beliefs before we've even gotten to know each other.

 

eta: but I live in an area with few people who aggressively 'evangelize' (I've encountered some over the years - but rarely and they are NOT someone to whom I'd ever want to live next door), so perhaps I'm simply inexperienced in this area.

[Heatherwith4]

People can be so awkward about evangelizing, and I think it's partly due to personality types. When we bought our house three years ago, the man we bought it from gave us some DVDs at the closing. They were obviously religious in nature. I thought that was weird and inappropriate, and I actually am Christian.

 

I would definitely lose the card. The wording is weird. The encounter was weird. I would be friendly, but I wouldn't go over there for tea, because that's likely to be a weird encounter as well.

[5of5]

 Then he said his wife would love to chat with me and I could come by for tea and a donut.

 

How did he capitalize "tea"?   :blushing:

[Pegs]

You boardies with your tea references are corrupting my mind! I totally missed that reference. Now I'm up with insomnia and a little bit impressed with myself for all the ways I've managed to rephrase "bean dip", as a verb. Bean dipping intrusive Christians will never be the same.

[texasmama]

Having dealt with a TON of awkward neighbor situations over the years, I would just hang on to the card (never know when you may need to call for non-social reasons), but just see how it plays out over the next few times you run into them outdoors while gardening, etc. They may be fine or not, but it will take time to figure that out.

This.

[marbel]

I guess I am reading this situation a bit differently.   I agree the card is weird, and maybe a bad sign about these people.  But the rest of it:  Aggressive?  Evangelizing?  The guy may be awkward but maybe he just wants OP to meet his wife.   I wouldn't call to invite myself over but I might call to ask when is a good time to drop off some cookies and say hi.   Plan ahead how to skirt any religious issues that come up, and follow through with them.  If it doesn't go well, just continue to wave from the mailbox. 

 

When we moved into our neighborhood I wish people had reached out to us a little more.  I wish I'd taken the initiative to introduce myself to people when it was obvious no one was going to approach us.   Now, 8 years on, we have speaking relationships with only 3 neighbors, and it's too awkward to try to initiate acquaintances now.

[Alice]

In general I believe in assigning good intentions to people until the situation proves otherwise. I imagined this scenerio from myself in your situation and it being someone of a different religion than myself (I am Christian) and I think I'd find it a bit weird but I think I'd still go over since they are neighbors but be ready to draw boundaries if needed. Although, in reality I'm an introvert so I probably wouldn't call them to arrange the teatime but instead I'd be polite when I saw them and then if invited over for a specific time I'd accept. 

 

I also imagined this scenario as my husband being the guy. I could kind of see him doing this. He's friendly. I could see him approaching a new neighbor and asking them over but then when she said her husband was away I think he would not want to appear that he was hitting on her so he might make it clear that he was really inviting her over to meet his wife. He's also a great, nice guy but sometimes a little off the norm in social situations. I could see him thinking it would be normal to say "call my wife and arrange a time to come over" rather than "I'll have my wife call you". Then he'd come home and tell me and I'd look at him like he was crazy. We also have a family business card that he made which I think is the dorkiest thing ever but in marriage there are compromises. I think ours does say something about our church because typically when he is giving it out it's at church and it's so people have directions to our house (it has a map on it...predates the everyone has GPS days). (We host a regular lunch after church event at our house and usually invite visitors to the church.) 

 

So I could see that it's innocent, although I agree that it has sort of an icky overly zealous evangelizing vibe. Still, since it's a neighbor I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and be polite and friendly when you see them. 

 

 

[NotSoObvious]

We have sweet elderly neighbors who worked on us really hard when we first moved in. We even went to their church Thanksgiving dinner with them. (We thought we were being nice.) When we realized we were a "project" we just started saying, "no thank you." They got the hint. 

 

We still look out for each other and I'm glad they are in our lives. 

 

Just be honest and upfront. 

[LucyStoner]

Is it possible this is a cross cultural communication issue? In his culture (age, geography, religion), perhaps it is customary for invitations to only be worked out by the wives? Or as a man, he wanted to reassure you that his wife would be there?

 

FWIW I have family contact cards, lol. I do it because no one has a pen and it saves me time. No references to purveying anything. Just our initial, names, cells and emails.

[Guest]

I think you're reading way, way too much into it. Give them the benefit of the doubt and if they try to evangelize you just be polite and firm and establish that boundary. No need to treat the new neighbors like they have the plague just because they're religious and open about it, but neither do you need to pretend to not have limits in that area. I'd go over for tea.

[Jean in Newcastle]

P.S.  Just thought of something.  3 times now different men have insisted on giving me their home phone number at the park saying that their wife was lonely and would love to talk to me.  The first two times I actually called and it was so awkward.  The wives obviously had no idea who this crazy woman was who called them and had no desire to talk to me!  The third time I "lost" the card with the phone number.  I think it was their way of "fixing" social issues for their wives that really didn't need their input.  So for that reason alone I would wait to see if you meet her in the street sometime!  

[MEmama]

In my very limited experience, the only people I've known like this would NOT take a hint or give up. I finally caved--not exactly knowing what I was getting myself into--and it cost me good neighbors, friends and DS's play group. They definitely had me pinned as a project, and it took me telling them flat out I'm not Christian to get my point across. I never heard from any of them again, save the extremely frosty hellos when they couldn't avoid me.

 

Sorry you are in that position.

 

Run.

 

:(

[livetoread]

I'm a godless introvert and I have enough of a support system already, so I would not be inclined to call to initiate anything, evangelizing concerns or not. I'd be friendly when I encountered them, but wouldn't go out of my way. We've lived in our neighborhood for fifteen years and I am on friendly, chat-on-the-driveway terms with all my neighbors but have never been invited to anything which suits me fine.

 

If I got invited, I'd go but I wouldn't want to given the card. I'd go because there is a decent chance they are nice people who I might click with and they were kind to ask, but the card would have my defenses up. Fairly or not, I'd think that anyone who would put that on a card they handed out to strangers probably isn't someone I would click with. At the first sign of pressure I'd probably make a graceful conversation change, and if that didn't work, I'd gracefully end the visit. I'd be friendly but busy from there on out. Actually confronting them on their religious talk would be stressful for me, and while I can set boundaries, I reserve the emotional energy it takes for relationships that already matter.

[ondreeuh]

I am also an introvert and never comfortable with cold calling anyone, so I just can't see myself calling this lady and asking if I can come over. I suppose I could Invite her to my house, but why? To make her husband happy? I've never even seen the woman so it would feel so forced.

 

I believe this guy was one of the original people on our street back before people started splitting lots up. Where I live, Alaska, there is a mixture of people who want to be good neighbors and people who just want to be left the (bleep) alone. I have only seen The neighbor on one side of me once, when I returned her loose dogs to her. The one time I said hi last summer, she turned around and walked away. Two neighbors I met because they were helping the seller with the transaction, and another I met because she is next door and our kids play together. It took months before her husband acknowledged me, and my friend eventually told me that he hadn't even wanted me to step on their land to watch my own kid play.

 

So maybe he was just happy to meet a friendly neighbor and just wanted to establish a friendship, but it's not in my comfort zone to hang out with strangers. We'll ask him if he needs any help when we see him working, and offer to share tools etc. but that's probably it unless we happen to find common ground.

[gardenmom5]

How did he capitalize "tea"?   :blushing:

 

 

5of5 . . .  you've been hanging out here too long.  you need to get out more.

[T'smom]

I would have been weirded out before the card. I can't imagine someone telling me to call a third person and invite myself over! I would ignore the situation completely. I would be very friendly if I saw them in the neighborhood or wherever and I may even have tea with the woman IF she invited me herself. If they saw me and asked why I hadn't called I would just say "oh, things have just been so busy lately, you know how it is."

[5of5]

5of5 . . .  you've been hanging out here too long.  you need to get out more.

 

"Out"?  What's that?   :001_rolleyes: