8circles Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm really only interested in hearing from parents who have more than 2 boys, preferably only boys, and boys who are stereotypical very active, physical boys. How much physical... working out their problems (problems amongst themselves, arguments), i guess, do you allow between them without getting involved. I have 4 very active, physical boys & I am trying to find the right balance and don't have any personal experience before parenthood to draw from so I'm just looking for some other input to help me figure out what's right for us. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tori@thehomefront Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I have four boys, ages 18, 14, 12, and 8. There is a good amount of horsing around, good naturedly. But we try to emphasize that everyone has a "bubble" of personal space that is to be respected, so they don't get into any serious physical altercations. Hitting and things like that are not allowed as a solution to disagreements. Also, we made it clear that if anyone hurts their brother, we will be taking the hurt kid to the ER, with the offending brother footing the bill. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liber Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I have 5 boys, 21-2. All of them are very active and physical. Rough housing all the time. The 18 and 14 will get physical if they are verbally fighting. Now sometimes it does go too far and I step in. Dad has always rough housed with them. I have friend and she has 5 boys and they are the same. I have another friend with 3 boys and they don't rough house a lot. How physical they get when there are disagreements, I don't know. If I had to guess, I would say they don't really because mom and dad aren't the rough and tumble type. Not sure if that helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arctic Bunny Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Listening in.... Only 2 boys, but they are definitely BOYS! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Thanks guys, that's helpful. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liber Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 The reason it gets physical in my home with disagreements is because the 14 year old is very quick witted and makes jokes about 18 year old. Said 14 year old also suffers from verbal diarrhea and just natters on. 18 year old will repeatedly ask younger brother to stop. Younger brother usually won't stop until he gets punched in the arm. Then younger brother laughs and tries to goad older brother more until older one is chasing younger one around the house and it ends with younger on the ground getting a few more punches. All the while younger brother is still laughing. At this point I intervene and threaten them with extra chores and that usually stops it for the rest of the day. It gets old fast and no amount of lecturing from me seems to help. I figured as long as no one is hurt that requires a trip to the hospital and there are no hard feelings and resentment, I'll just let it be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't have boys but I have brothers. Five of them. My oldest two bothers are 18 months apart and had a very volatile relationship as teenagers. It came to blows a few times, like black eyes and bruises. My mother stood back and let it happen because it was usually a case of the younger of the two needing to be put in his place so to speak. He was simply meaner when he was a kid (much better as an adult) and provoked the older of the two beyond what he could handle. My other brothers hit some when they were younger, a when they told on each other were given chores. I don't know how things were when they were teenagers because I'm the oldest and was out of the house by then. It's not fun to be around, but all five of my brothers get along very well now and are very good friends. So no long term damage, to their faces or their relationships. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Still helpful. Keep them coming if there's anyone else. Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I have two boys, very physically active boys BUT we don't allow any hitting or physical fighting in our family. Period. You are not allowed to use your body to get your way. If you hit/shove/smack/ or use threats of violence you will not get what you want. Nope. Nor do we allow taunting or teasing or general jerkiness. My boys actually get along really, really well and I can't even remember the last time they had an argument of any kind, much less a physical one. I think if that did happen...I would be shocked. It just wouldn't happen. They are very close and enjoy being together. If there is a disagreement of some kind, then they are supposed to work it out. if that doesn't work then they bring it to one of us and we will sit down and process it with them. The idea of having to sit down with dh or I to work it through..well...they would rather be flexible and listen to the other person and find a solution that works for them both and is fair. They do get physical, we have a lot of nerf swords etc etc and that is all to the good, but we also have a small space and if things get to rumpus-y then I tell them to chill out. No going for the head, no hitting in a way that will actually hurt. Their friends all play the same way, with similar rules so I am not the only one. Sometimes someone does get hurt because that is life. But we have a family that is non-violent. The adults don't hit the kids, the kids don't hit each other, the adults don't hit each other and the kids don't hit the adults. DH and I also have...is it a philosophy? a practice? I don't know, but we believe that home should be the place where you are treated the best. We have met so many people for whom home is a sad place, and place where they are neglected or just not appreciated. I meet adults who say they get treated better at their job than they do at home. I don't mean that our kids are spoiled or anything like that...I just mean everyone in this family tries to do nice things for each other and take care of one another. I am prob not explaining it very well. But I think that is reflected in our parenting and in our expectations of our kids and how they treat each other. My older boy actually broke off a friendship (not a strong one) because he couldn't stand the way the boy hit his younger brother. It wasn't something he had seen before and he found it upsetting. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I have two boys, very physically active boys BUT we don't allow any hitting or physical fighting in our family. Period. You are not allowed to use your body to get your way. If you hit/shove/smack/ or use threats of violence you will not get what you want. Nope. Nor do we allow taunting or teasing or general jerkiness. My boys actually get along really, really well and I can't even remember the last time they had an argument of any kind, much less a physical one. I think if that did happen...I would be shocked. It just wouldn't happen. They are very close and enjoy being together. If there is a disagreement of some kind, then they are supposed to work it out. if that doesn't work then they bring it to one of us and we will sit down and process it with them. The idea of having to sit down with dh or I to work it through..well...they would rather be flexible and listen to the other person and find a solution that works for them both and is fair. They do get physical, we have a lot of nerf swords etc etc and that is all to the good, but we also have a small space and if things get to rumpus-y then I tell them to chill out. No going for the head, no hitting in a way that will actually hurt. Their friends all play the same way, with similar rules so I am not the only one. Sometimes someone does get hurt because that is life. But we have a family that is non-violent. The adults don't hit the kids, the kids don't hit each other, the adults don't hit each other and the kids don't hit the adults. DH and I also have...is it a philosophy? a practice? I don't know, but we believe that home should be the place where you are treated the best. We have met so many people for whom home is a sad place, and place where they are neglected or just not appreciated. I meet adults who say they get treated better at their job than they do at home. I don't mean that our kids are spoiled or anything like that...I just mean everyone in this family tries to do nice things for each other and take care of one another. I am prob not explaining it very well. But I think that is reflected in our parenting and in our expectations of our kids and how they treat each other. My older boy actually broke off a friendship (not a strong one) because he couldn't stand the way the boy hit his younger brother. It wasn't something he had seen before and he found it upsetting. :iagree: Three boys here, and no violence allowed. We also aim for nonviolent communication, and have rules against name calling. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Three boys here. Oldest two are 18 mo apart. Aside from a couple times I thought they'd break furniture I stay out of it. I actually am/was much more concerned with the verbal nastiness. Oldest ds is very quick and biting when he wants to be. Number two son has Aspergers and can be quite hurt without showing it or really getting why so that had to be watched. They both pounded on number three but within bounds of his strength.That said they are all incredibly close now. Would not have believed that when they were younger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdj2027 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I have three boys ages almost 20 through almost 14. I usually let them duke it out unless the oldest become outright violent. They are much better now and mostly ignore each other. None of them have problems with people not their brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 4 boys here. Trying to remember now (yes, it gets better!). I did intervene when things got physical; however, I didn't get overly concerned about it. The time to really watch it is when one of them crosses into puberty and hits that growth spurt. They have a boy's mind and emotional functioning in a man's body. A simple shoulder shove to a younger brother which would have been nothing 6 months earlier can send the younger one sprawling once that body has changed. In our house, that was followed by the older accusing the younger of faking it, being a baby, etc. because they actually are so shocked at the effect. It took more intervention and explaining at that point. It would have been a good idea in retrospect to explain the upcoming change so that the boy with the man-body had an idea of what was coming and how to handle it. It's also served as a good analogy for other situations in life in which someone has more power than another . A boss who does a metaphorical "shoulder shove" will have much more impact than a peer who does a metaphoric "shoulder shove." So if you are in a position of power, you have to be very careful of how you use it because you can hurt people in ways you may not have meant to. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Saw the posts this morning. Thanks all. Now to figure out whatakes sense here. I appreciate everyone who shared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenn- Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm with the "horsing around is okay, but violent physical contact is absolutely not allowed" group. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punks in Ontario Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 4 boys here. They're not likely as active as yours sound to be. Here are a few of our ground rules. -no verbal nasties, put downs, zingers etc. This isn't much of a problem since most of the guys get along most of the time. -it's only fun, if it's fun for everyone involved. -wrestling with your brothers has ground rules just like competitive wrestling -no punching, kicking, elbows, knees or groin kicks -the olders must be appropriately gentle with the youngers. They can follow the example of their dad wrestling with them when they were younger. The living room and basement have very few breakables in them for this reason. One key note is to have them get enough exercise and weight bearing exercise so they have less need to wrestly together. Video games do not do this. Around here this has included moving and splitting firewood, moving dirt and gravel and other activities that help the whole family. In a pinch, I'll have them run or bike for a good distance. I always try to do this before there's too much pent up energy. At Christmas, I had considered buying a large mirror for the LR. Instead I bought a large pic of 1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter). A few weeks later, a fairly boisterous wrestling match put it on the floor (with minor damage) and just about broke a glass jar. So glad I didn't waste the money on the mirror! DH stopped wrestling with all of them a couple of years ago when he got a black eye. The days of keeping them all down are over now! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zuzu822 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I agree with redsquirrel, Amy, and jenn. Some roughhousing is okay (although my husband doesn't like even that), but no violence, name calling, etc. Our four are still young (8,6,4,2), and they're still working on figuring out limits. Where is the line from fun to "too much?" Sometimes that line changes, and someone who is having fun can suddenly want to be DONE-- and it's different obviously for a two year old vs. a six year old! That's sometimes our struggle, and I have to stay on top of it, and be ready to guide them along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 My dh is one of three boys. He said one thing that was effective was that his dad corrected the pesterer equally as much as the person who slugged the pesterer. So if younger brother started pestering and wouldn't stop with normal "Hey, cut it out!"s and the older boys slugged him, both parties got in trouble. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I wanted to add that we worked very proactively on verbally communicating our feelings, and listening-to and respecting each others' words. This required a lot of mediation when they were small, but they have had good communication skills and gotten along very well since then. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I wanted to add that we worked very proactively on verbally communicating our feelings, and listening-to and respecting each others' words. This required a lot of mediation when they were small, but they have had good communication skills and gotten along very well since then. Yes, that was our experience as well. Those early years were hard work, with a LOT of hands on parenting. But, now they are older we have an extremely low drama household. I always think it is weird when parents tell me they can't leave their kids alone because 'they would kill each other'. The idea that one of my boys would mistreat the other is just so odd to me. Do they have arguments? Sure. But they argue about the issue at hand, and they don't go after each other verbally, emotionally or physically. They don't take each others stuff or retaliate or anything like I hear some people talk about. Our biggest issue between them is that the oldest is a teenager and isn't always willing to listen to his little brother talk for hours about Minecraft. The older wants his own space and the younger wants his attention. That is the source of all our issues right now. It comes up every few days. Mostly, they get on very well and my biggest problem is getting them to stop playing some game together and fold laundry or practice piano. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Four boys here. Only boys. All 18-26 months apart. It feels like a lot depends on their personality and order. I have 1 physical one, but he is 3rd behind a very verbal mastermind and an introverted peace-lover. Because my oldest is very verbal we work more on verbal abuse, empathy, and communication skills. Because physical ds3 was immediately adopted by the peace-lover, he tends more toward peace (unless DS1 gets on him). I do recognize some of the above comments in what we do here. *NO or STOP are magic words. Immediate full stop of any behavior or words. We respect what people need. *If something is bothering you, tell them. Ask them to stop. *No violence. Physical or verbal play is only fun if it is fun for everyone involved. *No put-downs, harsh criticism or verbal abuse. *Tons of hands-on work with them from a young age to develop respect for each other and communication skills. *Public recognition that its rare that one person is a completely innocent party. We figure out what we could do better. We admit our faults. Apologies often, but sometimes there are consequences to our actions. It's very rare for there to be any physical arguments. I would say it never happens, but I'm sure there are accidents. DS1 is so much bigger than DS3 and will push past him if making a speedy exit at the end of an argument. I've never seen him knock him over. Also, DS3 bounces items off the walls constantly, so it wouldn't be unusual for one to bounce the wrong way at the wrong time. While both of them take those situations personally (he did it on purpose!), it never escalates from there. They put distance between each other rather than pull closer in, more physical. Most verbal arguments are healthy and I let them go, although I may ask them to move to another area if they are too noisy. I will shut down verbal abuse. If the argument is stalled and I'm in the vicinity I may ask how they think this is going to end and then suggest they consider separating if there's no way (or need) to reach resolution. Kids need to know that people are different, and sometimes there is no 'winner' in an argument, just a lot of hurt feelings. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 This thread has been helpful for me. I have 3 boys-- 9, 6 and 4. The 9 and 6 year old fight plenty. The 9 year old is an instigator and a tease and when he's in a bad mood he's hell-bent on pestering people. I'd like to tell you that we don't allow mean words and put downs and hitting and fighting like not allowing it magically means it doesn't happen.... but they do it anyway. I struggle with how to handle it. Whenever I get involved I get accused to siding with the victim (because they both believe they are victims) and that I'm unfair. I don't handle their fighting very well. I wish I could ignore it. But I get so upset over it and end up yelling. I was recently referred to the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" which was helpful. But still, my own personal struggle is remaining calm and level-headed when the boys are fighting. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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