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Are you a bad wife?


Halcyon
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Whoa.  Interesting question.

 

I think I am an OK wife.  I think the goodness and badness balances out.

 

I could be more loving toward my husband.  I don't just mean that in a physical intimacy sort of way, but just more kind and, well, nicer to him I guess. I'm not a b*itchy, nasty, contentious wife but I am not a real caring, nurturing sort of person either.  (So in that respect I am a bad mother, too.)  I am impatient.  I could work on that.  

 

But I also try to ease his burdens as much as I can, and please him with, for example, making food he likes, stuff like that.   We are a 1950's style family, with me being the stay-home mom and him being the sole wage-earner, and I try to make his time at home as pleasant as possible.  I try to encourage him and build him up as much as possible when he is down.  (But he is down far less often than I am!  He is the optimist; I'm the pessimist.)

 

Is that even what you mean? 

 

ETA:  On the good side - I do challenge my husband's thinking and do guide him in some of his interactions with our kids, simply because I know them better than he does, and even with other people (as a church leader he is responsible for "shepherding" people, counseling, helping in various ways).  He is not the most relational person (engineer, possibly on autism spectrum) and I try to help him with that.    I am also open to his guiding in things I'm not so good at.  

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That's a loaded question for so early on a Friday!

 

It is so subjective:

 

What makes a relationship good?

 

Are there checklists somewhere for what wives are supposed to be like?

 

Whose checklist do we use?

 

 

 

 

Personally, I am a better wife today than I was 10 years ago. The house is less well kept, I frequently refuse to cook, and I routinely ask DH not to sleep in the bed with me. (All things that were unheard of for me before.) What I have now is a much more intimate, engaging, authentic relationship with DH than we had 10 years ago.

 

I am happy. DH is happy. That is what matters.

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Most of the time I would comment that I am a good wife. I'm certainly an awesome mom. But while I will fully take care of my home and my husband's physical needs ( clean house, clean laundry, food that he enjoys, etc.) I'm not always great at recognizing how great of a man he is. and there's both of us have struggled often on for the past two years with depression , I'm not always great at encouraging him

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I'm a good wife when it comes to physical things. Taking care of the house & kids, the finances, the cooking. I'm good at that. I really fall short when it comes to supporting & being empathetic to DH. I'm practical to a fault, and while he's pretty easy going, I think I could do a lot better when it comes to encouraging and appreciating him. I also let things build up & then I explode instead of just getting things out in the open while they're still small.

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I think of myself as a mostly-good wife.

 

The ways in which I'm a good wife:

- though I love my friends and extended family dearly, my husband and daughter come first

- I never nag, insult, or belittle my husband (I have acquaintances who do this, who treat their husbands as their inferiors, even in front of other people, and it makes me *very* uncomfortable!)

- I respect and admire my husband because he has many respectable and admirable qualities!

- I want him to be happy, and I support the things that make him happy, even when they don't involve me (an acquaintance once told me she couldn't believe how often I "let" my husband go mountaineering. First of all, I don't "let" him - he's an adult! Secondly, why wouldn't I want him to do the things that bring him joy?)

 

Ways in which I'm not so good:

- I don't shoulder my fair share of the responsibilities. My dh is hard-working, smart, and capable, so I think I have let it become too habitual to think, "oh, he can handle that better than I could" and let him do more work than I do! It's not fair.

- Those aforementioned things that he enjoys (skiing, mountain climbing, etc.) . . . well he would probably enjoy them more if I would do them with him, but I don't! I like hiking, but that's about it. I have zero desire to ski, even though he would be thrilled if I would learn.

 

I'm sure there are others that aren't coming to mind at the moment. I should ask him!

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My dh thinks I'm a good wife so that's all the matter to me really but if I try to judge myself I'd say I'm a good wife. I love and respect my dh. When we have disagreements I discuss them calmly and respectfully. I am able and willing to meet his physical needs for affection. Now if my love language wasn't also physical it might be more difficult to consistently give him the connection he needs ( I don't just mean TeA btw.)

 

My ability or inability to get meals on the table, laundry done, the house cleaned, etc has no bearing on if I'm a good or bad wife. It reflects my work ethic but those things aren't tied into my marriage negatively. When I'm behind he steps in just like when his job doesn't pay enough I step in and make money too. We agreed on our roles in the marriage together but also agreed that we'd pick each other up when the other needed it.

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Meh. I'm probably about average according to my own subjective standards of good vs. bad. In both wife & mom. I'm probably a better wife than mom, but not by much.

 

Thanks to marbel for providing me with the wording. I'm not a nurturing person by nature either, so any nurturing/coddling that I do takes real concious effort.

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I'm a faithful wife, but by standards of what wives traditionally do in their families, no I'm not a good wife.

 

My in-laws and my own mom sometimes remind me of this.

 

Fortunately, hubby wanted a partner and friend - not a good wife by those traditions, so we're both happy.   :coolgleamA:

 

ETA:  We have warned our boys that our marriage and my part in it as wife and mom tends to be different than what their future wife might have grown up with.

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I'm a good wife because I love my husband and do my best every day to help him, support him, and run our home in a way that fits what he desires of our family. He is a good husband because he loves me, does his best to help me, supports me, and runs our home in a way that fits what I desire of our family.

 

Because we each love one another deeply, and have immense respect and affection as well, we do our best to show one another devotion, warmth, and to be of one mind on major issues. That makes me a good wife, and him a good husband, and together we have a wonderful marriage.

 

But I base my definition on his assessments of my performance - I ALWAYS see areas I can improve, but he rarely does :p

 

It's probably fair to say the converse is also true!

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Great question.  I try to be, but I really don't think I'm all that great at it because I never really wanted to be married anyway.

I think I was a great wife to my first husband.  And, honestly, he was a lousy husband.  

 

After my divorce, I realized that I'm really not one who wants to tolerate all of the bad and difficult times in a marriage, just for the sake of being married.  I am far happier when it's just me and my kids, when I am completely in control, when I don't have to take another adult's thoughts/feelings/needs/desires into consideration when making decisions about my life, either big or small.  I like to have someone there to be a friend, and to be my plus-1, and for sex and intimacy, but then I like for him to have his own space to go home to and leave me alone for a bit to manage my life. 

 

That sounds selfish, and I suppose it really is, but I don't necessarily see it as bad. Not everyone needs the same things out of life to be fulfilled.

 

All that said, I love my husband, and was certainly not forced into marrying him.  I married because it was important to him, and the fact that I was even willing to consider it because of his feelings told me it was the right thing to do.  He's a good man and human being, and I am encouraging and supportive. We divide our familial duties by what makes sense for us.   We get along well.

 

But am I a "good" wife?  Probably not the greatest, but I'm not a "bad" wife, either.

 

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Tony thinks I rock at it, and I suppose that's all that matters.

I don't think I'm a great wife, but I'm not super self-confident in general. No matter what else, I *will* say that I *love* being a wife (and a mom!) - I love being married, and I love our life together.

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I struggle with feeling less than at times because of my health limitations and at those times would probably say that I'm a horrible wife.  But if I really think about it, I think that being a wife is not a job description.  It is a relationship.  I'm flawed,  He's flawed.  But over all we have a good relationship.  Just don't ask me if I'm a good housewife.  My relationship with my house is not all that good!  

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I'm the best wife my husband has ever had  :tongue_smilie:

 

This question is really difficult to answer because I know I come into the discussion with my own biases.  So, sure, I'd say I'm I good wife.  I'd say I'm an exceptional wife.  For a real answer though, you'd have to ask my husband.

 

 

I'm better at pointing out my own strengths or weaknesses than I am at saying whether I am "good" or "bad."

 

My personal super-power: patience

My personal kryptonite: being motivated to accomplish anything of consequence after 7PM, my DH's most productive time.

 

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Wow, a deep question. There are several levels at which one can approach this question. There have been times when I am a better wife than other times. Unfortunately, sometimes things seem to depend on circumstances, work schedules, other burdens. I also am more empathetic with other people than I am with my own family. I always think they should get their stuff together and deal with it. :)

 

ETA: Interesting point Plink added above: Different productive times. Dh is a morning person, I get cracking after 5 p.m.- at least when I am home.

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We leave in 20 minutes for a doctor who convention, so I can't write much.

 

Sometimes I think I'm pretty great. Other times I think I'm pretty rotten. I usually think I'm ok until I read certain threads and realize that things I think are ok or normal other people find really rude. So, I think I'm much more rude than I know. :( It bothers me greatly.

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My husband says I am a great wife. I don't feel like I am because I am so bad at managing the home and those things really matter to him. But he has relaxed his standards and I have raised mine - a bit! - and he hasn't complained about it in a few years. So I guess I am doing ok!

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Honestly, no, I'm not a good wife. I know what my husband wants, but I just don't do it. My husband is mostly attracted to skinny, androgynous, punk girls. I'm not, and other than trying to be healthy, I don't really make any effort to be so. I should do more to make it so that my husband can come home to a clean, quiet home with healthy, homemade food on the table, and I try, but I don't. My husband would like me to have a close relationship with his family of origin, but I hate them. I nag, a lot. I smother, even though I know the more I want to spend time with my husband, the less he wants to spend time with me. I try to give my introverted husband a lot of time to himself, but it's hard with little kids. It's not like I can just leave the kids to meet my needs for adult company with him: that's counterproductive, hence spending time online, which is also counterproductive to the whole house thing. I try to find a way to share his interests, but I have trouble finding enthusiasm beyond that he's paying attention to me, and it sound "fake." He'd like it if I were a more spontaneous, go-with-the-flow kind of person, and I really struggle with not planning all the things.

 

I'm pretty discouraged in my marriage.

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I've had periods where I've tried, but all in all probably not. There's a reason why only 15% of law enforcement marriages make it. Most of the time I just trudge through.

 

Really? Wow. That stinks. My husband is a cop so I know how things can be, but that is a depressing statistic!

 

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I suppose the answer would depend on whom I am being compared to. If my husband compared me to the ideal he has in his head, I fall short in a few areas (which I am well aware of) but overall he thinks I am amazing, and he tells me so at least a couple times a week. If my husband compared me to the wives of any of the couples he has ever done marriage counseling with, I would absolutely *shine* (he comes home from marriage counseling sessions overflowing with compliments and hugs for me, lol). If I compare myself to the standard I view as a "good" wife (based on my husband's desires), I see many areas for growth. I would only consider myself an "okay" wife...I have improved immensely in the 15+ years we have been married, but I could do better.

 

Looking back I was a "bad" wife when I got married. I did not have a good example of being a "good" wife in any way when I was growing up, so I did a lot of messing up (no unfaithfulness or anything that bad) as I learned how to be a "good" wife to my husband. Simple things like speaking kindly to him, considering his preferences in the house, not badmouthing him to friends or the kids, being intentional about showing my love for him in different ways, being physically affectionate (e.g. snuggling on the couch, holding hands, etc.), practicing honesty always with him and trusting he will still accept me when I own up to a mistake...all the things I think I would have learned if I had seen a model of a healthy marriage when I was growing up, but I didn't see them modeled in my parents' marriage and I did not practice them when I first married.

 

The biggest benefit I have seen that results from me becoming a better wife is peace, honestly. Our home is much more peaceful than it was five, ten, and fifteen years ago. And that makes both of us happier.

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I think I've been a good mom, but not a great wife.

 

As someone else said, I know pretty well what would make my husband happy, but I just can't pull myself together enough to meet those standards. There have been some periods of my marriage when I tried harder. At some point, though, I got discouraged. It became clear to me that I just did not have the energy and interest to achieve "good," and so I settled into being okay with missing the mark.

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I'm about as good as it gets.

 

:laugh:

 

I don't know. I think we are both very good to each other.  Are we prefect?  Nobody is perfect!  I think we act pretty selflessly towards each other, but neither of us expect the other to be entirely selfless all the time.  For example, my husband will ask me if I mind that he watches the soccer game.  I think it's silly he even asks, but I think he cares that I don't feel neglected.  He doesn't mind that I hide away for a couple of hours to play violin.  That sort of thing.  I make and pack his lunch for work because I know he appreciates it.  He thanks me every single day for doing it.  He fixes my computer whenever it breaks.  Heck, he'll get up at 4am to fix it so he can have it done before work.  Even when I don't ask.  He knows I appreciate it. 

 

I'm not the neatest and best housekeeper.  He does not get on me for that.  He isn't perfect in all areas either.  I don't get on him for that. 

 

I think it's easy for me to be a good wife because he is a good husband.  If he weren't, it would be more difficult.  It's a two way street. 

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I'm curious how long everyone has been married.  For us, it's 26+ years.

 

DH and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary next month.

 

Given that our deal has lasted so long, I assume both of us are doing pretty good from the others POV.  And I guess that's all that matters. ;)

 

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I don't want to get into specifics here, but I am asking honestly if you think of yourself as a bad wife, or a good wife? Why are you a good wife? Why are you a bad wife, and how can you improve?

I think I am a great wife. If I earned more money, I think I would be a better wife, but if I was out making money, I would probably not be able to be as awesome in my other ways. Hired help would possibly come into play.

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My partner and I balance each other out. We have a rock solid relationship and family life, and I think that comes from both of us being willing to do a little more when the other is not able to do as much. 

 

Overall, I'd say I'm a good "wife" (we aren't legally married, so maybe I don't count haha). He's a great partner, also. 

 

If we're talking "housewifeyness" then I'd get a failing grade. My house is a mess (not dirty, but definitely untidy), I hate cleaning and he cooks more often than not these days since I just don't feel like it by the end of the day, and we're both grown-up metalhead punk types so neither of us expects Martha Stewart out of each other. 

 

We're happy, the kids are happy, so thats all we tend to focus on. 

 

ETA: We've been cohabitating for 3 years. This is my second "marriage", in my first I was the epitome of happy housewife - at least on the outside looking in, and that failed miserably for everyone involved. 

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I'm as good of a wife as I can sanely be.  Sometimes I think I'm probably not the best wife he could have though.  We kind of just live our own lives these days.  I take care of him, he takes care of me...we love each other...but we don't have a lot in common.  

Married 22 years.  Been together since we were 15 and 18.

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Married 17 years.

 

You know, I am realizing that a big part of the reason I think of myself as a (basically) good wife, is that my husband makes me feel like a good wife. As in, he appreciates and values me.

 

There is so much truth in this!

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We've been married almost 28 years. I am a better wife now than I was when we first got married and certainly better than I was when we were having our children. Now that we know each other and ourselves better and I am no longer a sleep-deprived, desperate woman, our marriage is better than ever.

 

{I said better 3 times. If one of my children turned in an answer like this, I would have them rewrite it!}

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I see a repeated theme of making your husband happy. I don't see it as being my job to make him happy. He's responsible for his own happiness as I am for mine. But I love him and show it.

I get what you're saying and of course we are responsible for our own happiness but I strive to help dh with his happiness. I know he is most happy when his relationship with me is solid. Of course he actively works at keeping it healthy but so do I. I don't do it merely for my own happiness but for his as well. I suffer from depression and dh knows that so he helps me with it by actively doing things he knows make me happy. He doesn't need to do that but it helps me out of my depression when I'm unable to take the first step to help myself.

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My dh thinks I am a good wife. I think I could improve. I am good at keeping the house, kids, and meals. I budget and pay bills. I support the amount of time he is away from home for work and work related travel. I don't nag. But I don't find my husband's job very interesting. He really enjoys his work and I think he would like to talk to me about it more but my eyes glaze over and I just space out.

 

We have been married 20 years. We have a lot in common outside of dh's job. We both are very involved with our Catholic faith and we love to talk about it.

 

With all that said about 10 years ago we were almost ready to throw in the towel. It took work, forgiveness, and acceptance to get to this point. I'm so glad we stuck it out!

 

Elise in NC

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If this has to do with cooking dinner every night--I'm a bad wife. If this has to do with educating the kids, dealing with health issues and ahem "other things," I'm a rock star wife.

 

DH thinks I'm a good wife and mom. That's pretty good for me. I'm quite sure there are few other men I could put up with and while I'm sure he could be happy with lots of other women for some reason he endures me and I'm not sure everyone would. ;)

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Other than the fact that I don't brew teA as often as dh would like, I think I'm a damn good wife.  I wish I had a wife like me!  :lol:

 

Could I be a better wife? Sure. I could take up sailing and tennis and go for a strenuous hike every weekend with dh.  I could go out /stay out late and listen to music at clubs with him.  But the thing is, these are things he enjoys and I don't.  So, by being a "better" wife, I'd be a less happy person, which would make me a worse wife.  Not worth it.

 

My dh is totally awesome, my best friend and partner. He's thoughtful, a good provider, a good man.  I respect him. This makes it easier.

 

Oh, we've been together 15 years and married, hm, 9 years now.  No, 10 I think. It's hard to remember.  :laugh:

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