Black Tie Wedding--nothing to wear

[PrairieSong]

The son of close friends of ours is getting married in three weeks. Last night the groom's mother (my good friend) informed me that it is black tie. "Men in dark suits, ladies in their finest" were what the bride told my dd. I think we were expected to know this because it is an evening wedding, but the invitation did NOT say black tie. Bride's family is wealthy. It's a cathedral wedding with a posh country club reception.

 

I have NOTHING to wear and just had a nightmare experience trying to find a MOB dress for our dd's wedding. I looked at bridal shops, Macy's, Dillard's, Nordstrom's, and lots of little boutiques. I finally decided to make my dress...actually a long skirt and a jacket top in navy shantung. I'm almost six feet tall and large...size 16. I'd look much better at least 30 pounds lighter but no time for that now. I love sewing but do NOT want to make a second dress and do not want to wear my MOB dress to another wedding first!

 

These are my options:

 

1. Look again for a dress in all the places I already looked. Hyperventilating at the thought.

 

2. Suck it up and sew another dress.

 

3. Hire someone else to make a dress.

 

4. Wear something less formal and inappropriate that I already own.

 

5. Don't go to the wedding. Already sent in RSVP so would have to notify the family.

 

Help!

[catz]

If black tie was not on the invitation, you won't be the only one not dressed "appropriately".  I would absolutely not rescind an RSVP at this late date, but I wouldn't kill myself dressing for this thing.  I would put on the best option in my closet. Go and have fun and not give it a 2nd thought. 

[Plink]

Dark suits are not black tie, tuxedos are.  I think the bride is mixed up.  Just wear a dress you already own.  I'm sure you will be fine.

[PrairieSong]

Dark suits are not black tie, tuxedos are. I think the bride is mixed up. Just wear a dress you already own. I'm sure you will be fine.

That's what I thought, too. I looked it up and read that black tie meant tuxedo "or possibly a dark, conservative suit." I don't know this stuff. I have never been to a black tie wedding.

[Aiden]

I wouldn't worry about going completely formal if it wasn't on the invitation--as WoolySocks said, others probably will not assume that an evening wedding is formal. However, when going to any evening wedding, I would assume that it's more formal than an afternoon wedding--I would encourage my husband to wear a suit, and I would wear the nicest non-formal dress I had (I own a couple of formal dresses, but it wouldn't occur to me to wear one of them unless told the wedding was formal, so in your situation of not owning one, I wouldn't think twice about it, and there's no way I'd wear the MOB dress before my own daughter's special day). I think virtually any long, simple dress would work, especially if you have or buy glitzy accessories and some high heels to go with it. (They don't have to be expensive, just sparkly!)

[hjffkj]

I've had incredibly good luck finding really nice dresses at goodwill and other thrift stores because lots of people will only wear them a few times before getting a new one. I actually am heading out tomorrow because its their 50% clothes day, in my area and I have 2 weddings in May. I don't know my size at the moment, most likely a 14 or 16. I'm usually a 10 so I don't have anything for these weddings. For one I have to be quite formal because my kids and dh are in the wedding so I'll need to match the fancieness level for a family picture.

[PrairieSong]

I've had incredibly good luck finding really nice dresses at goodwill and other thrift stores because lots of people will only wear them a few times before getting a new one. I actually am heading out tomorrow because its their 50% clothes day, in my area and I have 2 weddings in May. I don't know my size at the moment, most likely a 14 or 16. I'm usually a 10 so I don't have anything for these weddings. For one I have to be quite formal because my kids and dh are in the wedding so I'll need to match the fancieness level for a family picture.

I thought about doing that. I wouldn't mind paying thrift store prices for a used formal dress...but then I think what are the chances of finding something my size that is long enough? I may give it a shot though.

[PrairieSong]

If black tie was not on the invitation, you won't be the only one not dressed "appropriately". I would absolutely not rescind an RSVP at this late date, but I wouldn't kill myself dressing for this thing. I would put on the best option in my closet. Go and have fun and not give it a 2nd thought.

Dd said that none of the couple's twenty something friends would have a clue it is a formal wedding either.

[hjffkj]

I thought about doing that. I wouldn't mind paying thrift store prices for a used formal dress...but then I think what are the chances of finding something my size that is long enough? I may give it a shot though.

 

Good luck.

[Sandragood1]

If you still feel that you don't have anything appropriate you might try a rental. My city has formal wear rentals for women. It's very high end stuff so you may pay almost as much as buying a nice, but not designer, dress. But when will you wear such a dress again? That's why so many end up at Goodwill.

 

That said I have seen nice formal wear at Goodwill in all sizes. You don't need floor length. Ankle or mid calf should be fine.

[Ellie]

That's what I thought, too. I looked it up and read that black tie meant tuxedo "or possibly a dark, conservative suit." I don't know this stuff. I have never been to a black tie wedding.

 

It would never be appropriate (or necessary, frankly)  to include something like that on the invitation.

 

A wedding which is in a church, in the evening, is more formal than one which is in the early afternoon. FYI. :-)

 

Wear your dressiest dress and call it good. Mr. PrairieSong should wear a suit--just a suit. I promise there won't be bouncers at the door.

 

It would be quite rude for the bride to officially notice what her guests are wearing, or even to tell them what to wear.

 

Useless information: For men, white tie is the most formal, reserved for an evening wedding; black tie is the next formal evening; "morning dress" is formal daytime; business suit for less formal. For ladies, floor-length dresses only for formal weddings, tea length for all others. Many thanks to Judith Martin's "Miss Manners" books. :-)

[redsquirrel]

Yes, a dark suit is not a tuxedo.  However, an evening wedding is generally a formal one and I would have expected men in dark suits and women in fancier dresses. Given that the reception is at a 'posh country club' just wear your best, the darker the better. 

 

Look, you aren't among the young friends of the bride and groom, so it's less of a fashion show for you, lol. At my SIL's wedding, also at a posh country club and the men were in suits and the women were in fancy dresses, there were plenty of older women family members wearing dark coloured suits. Just wear black and some jewelry and you will sort of blend into the crowd.

 

And have a good time!

[G5052]

Under those circumstances, I'd wear your best dress and call it a day.  The more classic, the better.

 

I have a maroon dress in my closet that I've worn to events like that with a nice necklace and earrings.  It looks like silk and is a very classic style.  DH wore a dark suit.

[Pink and Green Mom]

The black tie wedding I went to a few months ago (stated "black tie" on the RSVP card) had everything from tuxedos to suits to navy blazers/khaki pants for men, and everything from long, heavy beaded gowns to church dresses for women.  There were as many women in short, little black dresses as there were in long gowns.

 

This was a big Catholic church and a very fancy reception location, FWIW.

[idnib]

Just wear your best dress that you already own and your best smile. You'll be fine!

[lewber]

I agree not to worry! Things like this drive me crazy. I almost hate to go places when I have to find something to wear. I don't know who all these people are who think it is fun to dress up!!

But would it be possible to find a dressy top to wear with the skirt you have already made for DD wedding? 

 

http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/alex-evenings-three-quarter-sleeve-sequined-lace-top?ID=863964&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&CAWELAID=120156340000069248&catargetid=120156340000917747&cadevice=c&cm_mmc=Google_Womens_PLA-_-Womens_General_Womens+-+GS_Alex+Evenings-_-66677866261_-_-_mkwid_KQ6ODTSm|dc_66677866261%7C-%7CKQ6ODTSm

[Seasider]

Dark suits are not black tie, tuxedos are.  I think the bride is mixed up.  Just wear a dress you already own.  I'm sure you will be fine.

 

Sigh, yes, not actually black tie. Anyone hosting a true black tie event should know enough to print "black tie" on the invitation.

 

I would go buy a plain black dress at Target and a blingy necklace and be done with it. Maxi dresses are in style, you should be able to find something. Add some heels and call it good.

 

Do not waste your beautiful custom MOB dress on an event where the focus isn't on you and/or your immediate family. 

[PrairieSong]

It would never be appropriate (or necessary, frankly) to include something like that on the invitation.

 

A wedding which is in a church, in the evening, is more formal than one which is in the early afternoon. FYI. :-)

 

Wear your dressiest dress and call it good. Mr. PrairieSong should wear a suit--just a suit. I promise there won't be bouncers at the door.

 

It would be quite rude for the bride to officially notice what her guests are wearing, or even to tell them what to wear.

 

Useless information: For men, white tie is the most formal, reserved for an evening wedding; black tie is the next formal evening; "morning dress" is formal daytime; business suit for less formal. For ladies, floor-length dresses only for formal weddings, tea length for all others. Many thanks to Judith Martin's "Miss Manners" books. :-)

Why would it not be necessary to say "black tie" on the invitation, or perhaps the RSVP? How would people know they are expected to wear a tux rather than a suit?

 

Anyway, my husband was already going to wear a dark suit. I'll wear something dressy, heels, and a little bling. I'm not sure why Miss Manners should have the final word...? Not all etiquette gurus agree on every point, and things do change. Pretty sure we are not all following the etiquette of ages past. I've seen lots of knee length dressy dresses at weddings...more of those than tea length actually. Maybe Miss Manners wrote that when tea length was more common.

 

Oh, and I did know what white tie was. Thank you, Downton Abbey. :-)

[Professormom]

I didn't read all of the responses yet, so if this is a duplicate, I am sorry.

 

Have you tried www.renttherunway.com? I think that is the url. Pretty inexpensive and you aren't stuck owning a dress in a size you don't want. Also they let you take 2 sizes, so if you are vacillating, you don't get stuck with a dress that doesn't fit. It is an awesome resource for those pesky black tie things:-) good luck!

[Ellie]

Why would it not be necessary to say "black tie" on the invitation, or perhaps the RSVP? How would people know they are expected to wear a tux rather than a suit?

 

Anyway, my husband was already going to wear a dark suit. I'll wear something dressy, heels, and a little bling. I'm not sure why Miss Manners should have the final word...? Not all etiquette gurus agree on every point, and things do change. Pretty sure we are not all following the etiquette of ages past. I've seen lots of knee length dressy dresses at weddings...more of those than tea length actually. Maybe Miss Manners wrote that when tea length was more common.

 

Oh, and I did know what white tie was. Thank you, Downton Abbey. :-)

 

Guests should not have to wear tuxes anyway.

 

What you are planning to wear is just fine.

 

It is just not something one includes on an invitation. The time of day and the location of the wedding should be enough of a clue that people know whether they can show up in their dressiest clothes or in their cut-offs and flip-flops.

 

You can ask Miss Manners, who has done the research, or you can ask all of us, who will share our own experiences, which may or may not include ever having gone to a formal evening wedding.

[ChrisB]

On another thread a while ago, a member mentioned eshakti.com for custom made dresses.  I find it reasonably priced, yet not cheap.  On most items you can specify what kind of sleeves and length of dress you want.  It also takes a person's height into consideration.  If you pay a little extra, you can even have it made to your measurements!  GL and have fun!

[MeAndTheBoys]

Sigh, yes, not actually black tie. Anyone hosting a true black tie event should know enough to print "black tie" on the invitation.

 

I would go buy a plain black dress at Target and a blingy necklace and be done with it. Maxi dresses are in style, you should be able to find something. Add some heels and call it good.

 

Do not waste your beautiful custom MOB dress on an event where the focus isn't on you and/or your immediate family. 

 

This is my favorite idea!

 

Reminds me of my sr. year in high school, with a boyfriend in ROTC, we went to a TON of dances.  Like probably 10!  And the best dress I came up with was a sleeveless lace-covered sheath from Limited or some other mall store for about $25, black, knee length, and I just wore it with big chandelier earrings, cute strappy shoes and my hair up.  I got more compliments on that dress than any of the "formals" that I bought--

 

Find something black or dark blue or maroon at Old Navy, Target, etc. and wear blingy jewelry and have pretty hair and shoes :)

 

B

[zoobie]

Per Emily Post, "Black Tie" is the only time one should mention attire on the invitation.

 

I'd look for a dress (LBD plus bling always appropriate!), but really, they should've put that on the invite. The time of day and location would otherwise indicate dressy to cocktail attire, not black tie. Though the last wedding we went to at a similar time and location (posh hotel vs country club), DH and I were rather on the overdressed end of things. I was surprised to see jeans!

[kitten18]

The black tie wedding I went to a few months ago (stated "black tie" on the RSVP card) had everything from tuxedos to suits to navy blazers/khaki pants for men, and everything from long, heavy beaded gowns to church dresses for women. There were as many women in short, little black dresses as there were in long gowns.

 

This was a big Catholic church and a very fancy reception location, FWIW.

I'm placing my bet that this is what you see at the wedding.

[PrairieSong]

I didn't read all of the responses yet, so if this is a duplicate, I am sorry.

 

Have you tried www.renttherunway.com? I think that is the url. Pretty inexpensive and you aren't stuck owning a dress in a size you don't want. Also they let you take 2 sizes, so if you are vacillating, you don't get stuck with a dress that doesn't fit. It is an awesome resource for those pesky black tie things:-) good luck!

Thanks for the suggestion but I am leery of ordering anything online, esp with not much time left. I might try it if I had more time.

[PrairieSong]

Per Emily Post, "Black Tie" is the only time one should mention attire on the invitation.

 

I'd look for a dress (LBD plus bling always appropriate!), but really, they should've put that on the invite. The time of day and location would otherwise indicate dressy to cocktail attire, not black tie. Though the last wedding we went to at a similar time and location (posh hotel vs country club), DH and I were rather on the overdressed end of things. I was surprised to see jeans!

There was no mention of black tie on the invitation. The groom's mother told me that..but another friend said the groom's father said "Sunday best" when he was asked about attire so not everyone is on the same page.

[Catwoman]

I second the Goodwill, consignment store, or thrift shop idea. Try calling ahead to see if they have any evening gowns, so you won't waste time going to places that don't sell them.

 

The great thing about buying used gowns is that most of them have only ever been worn once, so if you find one you like, it will usually be in great shape -- and the original owner may have spent thousands on it, but you can get it at a tremendous bargain at Goodwill or a thrift shop. The same thing goes for boys' suits and tuxedos. I have donated so many of them over the years because my ds grew out of them quickly, and they never got a chance to get worn out!

[Catwoman]

There was no mention of black tie on the invitation. The groom's mother told me that..but another friend said the groom's father said "Sunday best" when he was asked about attire so not everyone is on the same page.

If it's not on the invitation, it sounds like the groom's mother may not have a clue, particularly if her own dh is telling people something different.

 

If you already have something dressy, just wear it, but if you don't mind spending a little money on something new, I think you should definitely go for either a used gown (because you may only wear it once) or if you have to buy brand new, choose a cocktail dress that you can use for other occasions in addition to this event so you don't feel like you're throwing money away.

[Ellie]

Per Emily Post, "Black Tie" is the only time one should mention attire on the invitation.

 

 

We all chose our experts.  :D

[Seasider]

We all chose our experts.  :D

 

And some of us work in the industry and attend 40 weddings and a number of high dollar fundraisers each year. "Black tie" is not a word-of-mouth or well-everyone-knows-or-should-know-that bit of information.

 

Sorry, Ellie, I love Miss Manners, but to expect true black tie apparel and not print it on your invite or RSVP card is an error on the part of the host because it puts the guest in the predicament of possibly being shamed by showing up inappropriately dressed (now whether or not that actually bothers anyone anymore is another topic!). My guess is that the mother who shared this information misconstrued some description of the wedding party, which is going to be in black tie. Black tie for a bridal party is no longer the "official" dress for an evening wedding and therefore perhaps worthy of note; the advent of pinterest changed a lot of the old rules and practice. The wedding party dressing black tie does not necessitate compliance by the guests. Dad's "wear your Sunday best" is good. I bet folks show up in a range of fashion, from Easter Sunday Best to, yeah, some guy in blue jeans.

 

PrairieSong, choose something simple. A versatile dress is a good investment that can be dressed up with heels and jewelry, or dressed down with a denim vest and sandals. Sixty percent of guests (ime, at our upscale venue) wear little black dresses regardless of time of day.

[Ellie]

And some of us work in the industry and attend 40 weddings and a number of high dollar fundraisers each year. "Black tie" is not a word-of-mouth or well-everyone-knows-or-should-know-that bit of information.

 

Sorry, Ellie, I love Miss Manners, but to expect true black tie apparel and not print it on your invite or RSVP card is an error on the part of the host because it puts the guest in the predicament of possibly being shamed by showing up inappropriately dressed (now whether or not that actually bothers anyone anymore is another topic!). My guess is that the mother who shared this information misconstrued some description of the wedding party, which is going to be in black tie. Black tie for a bridal party is no longer the "official" dress for an evening wedding and therefore perhaps worthy of note; the advent of pinterest changed a lot of the old rules and practice. The wedding party dressing black tie does not necessitate compliance by the guests. Dad's "wear your Sunday best" is good. I bet folks show up in a range of fashion, from Easter Sunday Best to, yeah, some guy in blue jeans.

 

PrairieSong, choose something simple. A versatile dress is a good investment that can be dressed up with heels and jewelry, or dressed down with a denim vest and sandals. Sixty percent of guests (ime, at our upscale venue) wear little black dresses regardless of time of day.

 

I don't understand why the bride gets to tell her guests how they should dress. She gets to choose everything else. She doesn't need to dictate to the guests what to wear. If they are ignorant enough to think that wearing jeans to an evening wedding (or to any wedding, for that matter, that is not held outside at a ranch), then they won't even know what "black tie" means or where to get one, or that it means more than just wearing a black to with their jeans.

[Seasider]

I don't understand why the bride gets to tell her guests how they should dress. She gets to choose everything else. She doesn't need to dictate to the guests what to wear. If they are ignorant enough to think that wearing jeans to an evening wedding (or to any wedding, for that matter, that is not held outside at a ranch), then they won't even know what "black tie" means or where to get one, or that it means more than just wearing a black to with their jeans.

 

I appreciate your feelings on this, I believe it somewhat highlights the growth of the Bridezilla culture. There's obviously going to be a gap between current protocols and how people "feel," because everyone processes feelings in different ways. But generally, the person paying the bill gets to call the shots, while an invitee has every right to equally accept or decline the invitation.

 

And any hostess worth her salt is going to welcome that ignorant sucker in jeans, recognizing that he might be feeling a bit foolish when he realizes he should have pressed his other pair of slacks.

[Lanny]

Rent The Runway.    There is an "Extra" (overseas viewers see them when viewers in the USA see commercials) about Rent The Runway.  They will send you the dress you select in 2 sizes. For an extra $25 they will also send you a 2nd dress.  Not sure when the Extra was taped, but you might check it out...

 

https://www.renttherunway.com/rtr_home