swellmomma Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 So about a month ago dd15 told me she is bisexual. We had a talk and reviewed safer sex practices between women (she is still a proud virgin, so she thought I was being weird, but I told her we have had this discussion regarding boys so it made sense to have it about girls). There was no drama or anything, I accept her no matter who she is attracted to. My concern now is that we live in a very rural tiny village and all her friends are in the small town nearby. Small town has meant it is hard enough for my kids to find where they fit due to the closed-mindedness we have experienced since moving here. I would love to find books or forums or anything to suggest to her as places were she can safely learn more, share with others her struggles etc. As of right now she has forbidden me from telling her dad, her father started using the word lesbian as an insult towards dd when she cut her hair short and started wearing mostly her brother's clothes, he doesn't accept most things about the teens and belittles them for who they are (he calls ds16 gay as an insult because his mental illness makes him cry frequently, and he is a brony and immature in many ways). So while she has me to talk to she has no other safe outlets at this time and I think ti would be good if she could talk to or at least read about other bisexual or homosexual teens, ya know. So any suggestions? 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brit29 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Aw, good for you both for feeling comfortable talking about it with each other. What a hard thing to navigate at that age. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I don't have any advice but I think that's wonderful that you two have such a good relationship that she could confide this. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentlemommy Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 No book suggestions, but I appluad you for being the kind of mom that your kids feel safe enough to talk to about difficult things.â¤ï¸It is one of my goals to be this kind of mom to my kids. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegs Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I have no idea where Lesbian or bi teens are basing their online communities. Maybe tumblr? But I wouldn't recommend it! Would your daughter perhaps enjoy some affirming fiction? "When Women Were Warriors", CM Wilson. I can't recommend this one highly enough, for the purposes of helping young women who love women to feel less alone, and entirely normal. Does your DD like poetry? A dear friend of mine gifted me "Poems Between Women", compiled by Emma Donoghue. What about movies you can watch together? Lesbian movies are notorious for being pretty terrible, but I'll have a think and see if I can't find something to recommend to you. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 :grouphug: You are a really good mom! Your dd is lucky to have you. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brit29 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I think it's important to realize that bi teens, particularly girls, may be more vulnerable. It could be harder for her to feel accepted. She should know that acceptance will happen for her, and that she'll find her tribe, but that it might not be easy. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 :grouphug: to both of you. Your dd is lucky to have an open-minded mom who cares so much! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 No helpful suggestions here but I wanted add my voice to those cheering you for having such a healthy and supportive relationship with your DD. Way to go, Mom. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 My almost 15yo is bi. She actually has a girlfriend, which was surprising given that we live in an extremely conservative and homophobic area. I know dd reads a lot of tumblr. PFLAG is a great resource. Finding an affirming counselor was also very helpful. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 At 15 I would recommend she remain a virgin, go out in groups and make friends who share common interests. I think sexuality is far less important than we make it. It is part of us but it shouldn't define us. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomtoCandJ Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm wishing that more parents are as accepting as you. I've known a few kids who have been "disowned" after coming out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegs Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 It's not about encouraging sexual relationships, it's about finding ways of supporting our girls as they work out their identity - it's more challenging that it is for straight kids.What Sadie said. Most groups of people experiencing oppression are at least surrounded by a community of friends and family who share this experience. This is rarely the case with young people who are anything other than heterosexual, and so community must be sought. Even for those of us not concerned by identity (and other adolescent themes), a proud and supportive community is an important and tangible way to protect against the internalised prejudice and shame which can profoundly and dangerously affect people whose sexual preferences and desires are not the norm. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
candicane Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I know how your daughter feels. I came out to my mother first as bisexual. My father only found out through anger at him constantly using slurs as insults against others. As for helping your daughter, the key factor here is definitely to respect that she doesn't want her father to know. Especially if he's how you mentioned he is. You may be against the website (I'm not sure) but tumblr is a wonderful place for acceptance. Yes there are some bad eggs on there, but here's there's one called bi-privilege that helped me out a lot when I first branched onto the website. I've always lived around people that weren't accepting, so to find people online was much easier. The tumblr I mentioned has a glossary of terms that can help her out, as well as resources of hotlines, finding your identity, etc. There's also some resources on it for the parent themselves. I came out to my parents when I was/am 23, but I dealt with this feeling much into my teen years before I made the plunge. If you need more advice/links/help/etc please message me any time if you feel open to do so. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 At 15 I would recommend she remain a virgin, go out in groups and make friends who share common interests. I think sexuality is far less important than we make it. It is part of us but it shouldn't define us. Your sexual orientation IS important, especially for teenagers, even if - like half of teens today - they don't have sex until they are 17 or older. This girl's father uses homophobic slurs. You think she doesn't need a safe place to talk about that with people who have gone through the same experience? Being left-handed isn't a huge part of *my* identity, but man-oh-man, if my parents had used that as a slur I'd want more lefties to talk to! And even without slurs from family, your sexual orientation is important. How often do people refer casually to their partners? It's nice, isn't it, to say "my husband" without worrying that the person you're talking to will insult you (or fire you!) over it. It's nice, isn't it, to be able to hold your girlfriend's hand in public and not worry that people will stare at you. Of course, if you can't always do normal things like this, and have a normal teenage experience because of who you're dating, well, that can be upsetting. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 No specific advice; I'd just recommend being VERY cautious about online venues. It's difficult to think of a group more vulnerable to trolls and predators than female bi teens! Someone above mentioned PFLAG - that might be a good source for reputable online support. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 It's great that you are such a loving, supportive mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xixstar Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 We live in a rural, conservative community and oldest first identified as gay and then gender non-conforming a few years later. Local PFLAG meeting were very helpful in meeting others with teens the same age - they also helped organize youth events too. I admit it is still hard in a small community with less acceptance and also smaller peer group (dating pool) but oldest has had good experience leading GSA clubs at their high school and now re-starting the Alliance club at the community college. I agree that in person resources better than online. I found some online communities for youth for used too much on major drama and worse case stories and kinda idealized suffering intense discrimination when that wasn't the reality for most. Though mine went to piblic school and here was still a lot of bullying, just maybe not as dramatized as online forums by youth focused on. The bullying really sucked though and there were no recourse for us, the school tried being supportive but hidden bullying couldn't be dealt with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 At 15 I would recommend she remain a virgin, go out in groups and make friends who share common interests. I think sexuality is far less important than we make it. It is part of us but it shouldn't define us. I do still encourage her to remain a virgin, that would not change no matter what her sexual identity is. Both of my teens have said they plan to wait until they are ready for marriage before they start dating, and wait until they are married before they have sex. That's great, I hope they do, but I am not naive enough to believe they will never get caught up in a moment and decide not to wait. WHich is why I have talked to them since they hit puberty about safer sex practices and why I made a point of talking about that with my dd when she came to me with this revelation. Not because I am promoting sexual contact for her, but because I want her being smart about if it comes to that. In addition, she was worried about telling me and what my reaction would be, simply talking the same way I would if it was her talking about boys, reassured her that I have no problem with it, I don't care who she falls in love with one day, if they are male or female or trans, I just care that she makes smart choices and that they treat her right. It's not about encouraging sexual relationships, it's about finding ways of supporting our girls as they work out their identity - it's more challenging than it is for straight kids. exactly! SHe can't just gab with her friends about who she thinks is cute like most of the girls can, because she doesn't feel safe in revealing that she thinks some of the girls she knows are cute too. SHe is afraid to lose friends over this. THe one good thing for her right now, is that her best friends in the world are guys, and so if the conversation turns to what girls are cute she can make it seem like she is just goofing around with them. Such a simple little thing, being able to gossip with friends like that, but not something she can relax in, she has to be mindful of what she is saying so they don't find out what is really going through her mind. I'm wishing that more parents are as accepting as you. I've known a few kids who have been "disowned" after coming out. That just breaks my heart, I could not imagine disowning my child for loving someone, For hurting people, yes I can see, like if my kid was a murderer or child rapist, yup I'd likely disown, but for having love for another just because their bits are the same is just heartbreaking. What Sadie said. Most groups of people experiencing oppression are at least surrounded by a community of friends and family who share this experience. This is rarely the case with young people who are anything other than heterosexual, and so community must be sought. Even for those of us not concerned by identity (and other adolescent themes), a proud and supportive community is an important and tangible way to protect against the internalised prejudice and shame which can profoundly and dangerously affect people whose sexual preferences and desires are not the norm. precisely. Your sexual orientation IS important, especially for teenagers, even if - like half of teens today - they don't have sex until they are 17 or older. This girl's father uses homophobic slurs. You think she doesn't need a safe place to talk about that with people who have gone through the same experience? Being left-handed isn't a huge part of *my* identity, but man-oh-man, if my parents had used that as a slur I'd want more lefties to talk to! And even without slurs from family, your sexual orientation is important. How often do people refer casually to their partners? It's nice, isn't it, to say "my husband" without worrying that the person you're talking to will insult you (or fire you!) over it. It's nice, isn't it, to be able to hold your girlfriend's hand in public and not worry that people will stare at you. Of course, if you can't always do normal things like this, and have a normal teenage experience because of who you're dating, well, that can be upsetting. yup 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Thank you everyone for the ideas. I will look into PFLAG, and tumblr. Neither she nor I have used tumblr before so I don't know much about it. There is no GSAs at this time, but the provincial gov't is trying to push through a bill that amends the current education act and includes a clause that every school regardless if it is a religious school or not must accommodate and serve ti liase a GSA club if students wish to have one so it is a start. TIme for me to head off to work, but I will take a closer look at the stuff later this weekend, while dd is at her fathers house. btw loving the 5 votes to give this thread a 3 star rating, which means there is some homophobes on this page who decided to 1 star instead of scrolling by. *eye roll* 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 FWIW, I have accidentally one stared posts while trying to type on my phone. Hopefully that was all it was. Going to hit the 5 star while I'm thinking about it and not on my phone. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mnemosyne Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Thank you everyone for the ideas. I will look into PFLAG, and tumblr. Neither she nor I have used tumblr before so I don't know much about it. There is no GSAs at this time, but the provincial gov't is trying to push through a bill that amends the current education act and includes a clause that every school regardless if it is a religious school or not must accommodate and serve ti liase a GSA club if students wish to have one so it is a start. TIme for me to head off to work, but I will take a closer look at the stuff later this weekend, while dd is at her fathers house. btw loving the 5 votes to give this thread a 3 star rating, which means there is some homophobes on this page who decided to 1 star instead of scrolling by. *eye roll* http://www.reddit.com/r/bisexual is another option as well (or other related subreddits), though, like Tumblr, it has its share of immaturity. EDIT: http://www.reddit.com/r/BisexualTeensmight be more appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeaConquest Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 5 starring your awesomeness. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegs Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hahaha homophobes downvoting. That's hilariously pathetic. And an important reminder that hostility is never far off. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Btervet Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I think it's great you are being so supportive of her, it sadly is still very rare! You've gotten great advice above, so I'm not going to repeat that. One thing, that is a little unpopular to say but I think important for bi teens especially to know, is there can be a lot of discrimination inside the LGBTQ community that she should prepare herself for. 'Not really gay' or 'wannabe lesbian' can hurt and be unexpected. I wouldn't try and scare her with this, but just prepare her that she may encounter these attitudes while looking for support in what should be a safe LGBTQ community. I would also tell her its her choice how to share her sexual orientation and with who to share it. She shouldn't feel pressured to share with anyone, but especially her father. If she want let the world know that's wonderful, but if not, that's wonderful too. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangerine Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I've seen Scarleteen.com recommended. Mine are a little young for it, so I've not looked into it further. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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