marbel Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I have a friend whom I like and enjoy spending time with - usually. But I have noticed that when one or the other of us is downhearted or in a sad mood, if we get together, we both end up a bit depressed. The get-together turns into a whining session and it's not useful or helpful for either of us. I am not blaming her, or maybe I should say I blame us both equally. We just seem to be a bad combination! There are other people I enjoy spending time with and seek out when I'm down, because they bring me out of my doldrums, at least for a little while. I don't know if I do the same for anyone else. Just wondering if others have dealt with this. And, if so, what do you say to the person when they say "hey, let's meet for a glass of wine this week" and you know it would be a bad idea. Typically I just say I can't because I have other things going on, but maybe it would be helpful if I acknowledged the problem that I see. We don't really have mutual friends so I can't get a group, or even one other person, to join us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I have girlfriends like what you describe and the ones I stay around are the ones I still have a connection with despite the times we're together and it's depressing. There are others where I just don't feel connected to them at all, so I quietly make my distance (or vice versa) and they eventually find someone else they connect with. No hard feelings. So I suppose it depends on how connected you are to her. If she's worth it, you'll still have that wine with her, but if not, you could just start lessening the amount of contact you have with her on a gradual basis, if you're not wanting to hurt her feelings. You could always ask if you could invite another friend along anyways. I've met some great people when friends have done that and even had a situation where the invited friend and I became closer than with the original mutual friend of ours. Our mutual friend didn't mind, because she was the type to be extremely social and thought it was great. That can be a tricky situation, though, so I don't recommend it unless you're okay with the possibility of you being the third-wheel. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I have had friends who somehow always inspired the whiner in me (and I in them). I stopped spending time with them. It wasn't anyone's fault, I just didn't like myself during and after those sessions. If it is a friend you want to keep, you could try to start a new habit by sticking to encouraging comments. It is hard to break the bad habit, but worth it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 I have had friends who somehow always inspired the whiner in me (and I in them). I stopped spending time with them. It wasn't anyone's fault, I just didn't like myself during and after those sessions. If it is a friend you want to keep, you could try to start a new habit by sticking to encouraging comments. It is hard to break the bad habit, but worth it. That is exactly it - I come home from a "date" with her and am more depressed and discontent than when I left the house. It is a friend I want to keep - because it is not always this way. We both tend to let our problems get to us, have anxiety and maybe a little depression going. When we are in good spirits, it's all fine. Maybe sometime when we are together and it's not a downer, I should just tell her what I think about it. Maybe we can just agree to distance ourselves during those times, or invite some others along to keep us from spiraling down... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Can you do something physical when one of you is down? Meet for a hike or long walk? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Can you do something physical when one of you is down? Meet for a hike or long walk? Yes, we have done that a few times. Now that the weather is getting better I should suggest that! That is a good idea that I somehow forgot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in OR Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I've been in a situation like that. Both the friend and I realized it, though. We ended up agreeing to still do our mini-vent session, since it was a safe environment for us to share complaints with each other, but strictly limited the time we spent doing it during a visit. Erica in OR 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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