How would you have responded? Old friend - backstabber?

[clementine]

Long story, long....

 

An old girlfriend (junior high/high school classmate & college roommate, maid of honor, etc) whom I haven't spoken to in over 20 years (just grew apart & had different interests), asked me to lunch.  We live about 45 minutes apart, so we met in the middle.  

 

I had high expectations of possibly rekindling a friendship.  

 

We sat down & made small talk - talked about our families, hobbies, interests....  It was going well.  Then she dropped a bomb.

 

She told me that she really wanted to apologize to me.  She said that, during high school & college, whenever she was with a group of people (and I wasn't there) she would criticize my haircut, outfit, shoes, make-up, whatever she could find to put me down.  She said she didn't know why she did it, but it might have been jealousy and wanting to make sure that those people didn't pursue a friendship with me.  She felt she needed to let me know & apologize.  

 

I sat there pretty much speechless.  I don't want to forgive something like that.  I have always had trouble making friends - I'm kind of introverted, but I do love friends.  I didn't know how to respond - I just kind of changed the subject and asked her questions about her parents, family, job, etc.  

 

We left the restaurant as acquaintances - nothing more, in my opinion.  I'm not happy & this friendship will not be rekindled.  

 

What would you have said/done - hindsight is 20/20 - but I'm still pissed.  

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would have been impressed that she's grown up to realize that her behavior was wrong and took the time to apologize for it.  I don't see anything to be angry about.  

[Spryte]

How hurtful. I'm so sorry. :(

 

It makes one wonder why she shared that with you, what she wanted to come of it? I can't imagine anything other than selfish reasons, it seems like it was to make herself feel better? Was she asking you to forgive her?

 

I had an old friend do something similar. Different, but similar. She told me that she'd always been jealous of me, that I could talk to anyone and make people laugh. And that she was always stoned, and envied me that I never smoked. It was a strange, strained conversation, and our friendship never went anywhere after that. I didn't know what to say. I'm very shy, so hearing her take on me was ... Odd.

 

Hugs to you!

[SKL]

I think 20 years later I would chalk it up to "her problem" and let it go.  There must have been good things about the friendship too, or you wouldn't have lived with her etc.  Nobody is a perfect friend.

 

But, I agree that there is no good reason to try to rekindle the friendship.

 

Not the same thing, but I have had work colleagues / bosses whom I've considered very good friends, who I came to realize were undermining me for their own benefit.  I honestly did not let it bother me even then.  I could understand why they did it - it was all about self-preservation, and they were more desperate than I was (even if they were way richer and higher up the ladder than I was).  At least I was wise to it.  (Then again, I'm not a person to hold a grudge.)

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I always wonder why people think it's so awesome to apologize for something I'd have never heard anything about. I mean, thanks a lot for catapulting me back in time to wonder what Then People thought about Then Me...tell your priest about your sins but don't call me up to tell me about it 20 years later...

 

but the polite thing to do is to acknowledge the apology and thank her for it, give her a hug and wish her well, but you don't have to ever call her again if you don't want to. I'm sorry this happened. I hope the net result wasn't that she salved her conscience but managed to hurt you in two different eras of life :( I hope you can remember the true friends and happy memories and let this go. I wouldn't make any moves to rekindle the friendship, either.

[TracyP]

It sounds like she needed to get this off her chest to make herself feel better and did not care what effect that had on you. She was selfish then and still is now. You took the high ground and were kind. Good for you. Now wash your hands of the whole thing.

[lllll]

My first thought was that she's in some kind of 12-step program and is 'making amends'. 

[clementine]

I think she was looking to unload her guilt and gain my forgiveness.  I just can't.  At this point, I wish she had never told me.  I don't want to hold a grudge, but I'm not ready to sincerely forgive.  

 

I'm sure she doesn't know how I'm feeling, so I don't feel like I am hurting her.  

[mellifera33]

I would wonder if she is part of a 12-step group and is going around making amends to all the people she has wronged.

[Reefgazer]

Junior high school kids do some obnoxious and mean things. I would let it go. That doesn't mean rekindling th friendship if you don't want to; I just mean I wouldn't dwell on it or let it burn on you.

[Katy]

I went through something similar twice.  I don't speak to either of them, but we're facebook friends...

[Zebra]

I would have done exactly what you did.  

 

It's pretty hard to be prepared when someone drops a bombshell like that.   I was in a similar situation once where I thought someone wanted to further our relationship, but instead dropped a bombshell on me.   Different details, but I was completely taken aback.   I was upset and hurt and angry...and there was just nothing I could do about it, but not be friends with her anymore. It hurt, it stunk, it still bugs me a little bit when I think about it.  

 

It's rude to invite someone else out like this, when you know you're going to drop a bombshell on them.  Obviously, she was only thinking about herself here, not you.   Further evidence you should not be friends with her.   All you can do at this point is process it and move on. 

[TammyinTN]

I think it took a lot of courage for her to tell you.   :grouphug:

[NorthwestMom]

Ugh. I probably would have reacted like you did in the moment - I mean, what are you really supposed to say?!? - and then I would have gone home and obsessed about it.  She really dropped some damaging information that can only hurt you - I don't see how you could use this information in any way to make your life better today. 

 

I hope you have people who care about you that you can talk this through with. I will say that I know several women who behave like your friend did, and I don't trust what they say or trust that their relationship with me is honorable either. It really reflects badly on your "friend", not you.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Guest]

Junior high school kids do some obnoxious and mean things. I would let it go. That doesn't mean rekindling th friendship if you don't want to; I just mean I wouldn't dwell on it or let it burn on you.

 

This. While I know it was hurtful...that was SO many years ago. To hold a grudge against her now will only hurt you...not her.

[SKL]

I always wondered how people could think it's always better to confess secret wrongs, long after the fact.  Yuck.  I had a married boss get a crush on me and while it was extremely brief, I didn't push him away as fast as I should have.  Should I go tell his wife and clear my conscience?  How selfish and mean IMO.  Very bad advice being given to people who are maybe in a fragile place.

[wonderchica]

I would also suspect she was in a 12-step program and on the "make amends" step. She went to a lot of trouble to get together with someone she hasn't been in touch with for 20 years. You don't have to rekindle the friendship by any means, but I would try to take a kinder view of her actions.

ETA: at the time, I would've asked her why she was apologizing after so long.

[clementine]

I always wonder why people think it's so awesome to apologize for something I'd have never heard anything about. I mean, thanks a lot for catapulting me back in time to wonder what Then People thought about Then Me...tell your priest about your sins but don't call me up to tell me about it 20 years later...

 

but the polite thing to do is to acknowledge the apology and thank her for it, give her a hug and wish her well, but you don't have to ever call her again if you don't want to. I'm sorry this happened. I hope the net result wasn't that she salved her conscience but managed to hurt you in two different eras of life :( I hope you can remember the true friends and happy memories and let this go. I wouldn't make any moves to rekindle the friendship, either.

 

^ Your first paragraph - YES!

 

^ Your second paragraph made me teary.  

 

Thank you.

[clementine]

Ugh. I probably would have reacted like you did in the moment - I mean, what are you really supposed to say?!? - and then I would have gone home and obsessed about it.  She really dropped some damaging information that can only hurt you - I don't see how you could use this information in any way to make your life better today. 

 

I hope you have people who care about you that you can talk this through with. I will say that I know several women who behave like your friend did, and I don't trust what they say or trust that their relationship with me is honorable either. It really reflects badly on your "friend", not you.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

^ Yes to the bolded above.  

[Guest submarines]

Are you pissed that she did it back then, or because she apologized and now you know about it, or because she didn't want to rekindle the friendship (while you did)?

 

It seems that you are upset that the friendship you hoped for won't be happening. :grouphug:

[Zebra]

Long story, long....

 

An old girlfriend (junior high/high school classmate & college roommate, maid of honor, etc) whom I haven't spoken to in over 20 years (just grew apart & had different interests), asked me to lunch.  We live about 45 minutes apart, so we met in the middle.  

  

 

Junior High school is a long way away but this was a long-term relationship, not just Junior High.  

 

The whole thing just seems very self-centered to me.   It probably was hard for her to confess, but how hard was it to hear this stuff?   I would be thinking, "What else did I miss over the years?"

 

I think you can and will forgive her eventually, but this is all new and raw to you right now.   Give yourself time.   You did the best you could in an awkward situation. 

[momto10blessings]

Why on earth would she bring that up if you didn't already know that? Didn't she realize that would hurt you? What a crazy woman.

[goldberry]

Some of my behavior in my late teens/early twenties still makes me cringe to think about it.  She may have been misadvised to bring it up now, but I think it indicates that it has weighed on her conscience for a LONG TIME.  I would take that as a positive.  No, you don't have to rekindle the friendship if you don't feel she is someone you would enjoy/or trust.  But I would let go the anger about it and thank God that we are not all the same people we were in our younger years.

[clementine]

Are you pissed that she did it back then, or because she apologized and now you know about it, or because she didn't want to rekindle the friendship (while you did)?

 

It seems that you are upset that the friendship you hoped for won't be happening. :grouphug:

 

Good question.  I'm not exactly sure - I think I'm still processing it all.

 

I'm kind of wondering if my ability to make friends was hindered because of her?  I'll never know, really, but still...that has long-term effects.  

 

I think I would have been better off not knowing, to be honest.  I have thought about it (too much) and cannot see the good that came from knowing.  I think she had her load lightened, while mine got heavier.  

 

I think I would rather have gotten a letter from her instead of meeting her for that purpose.  

[momacacia]

I definitely wouldn't continue on with this relationship. Plenty of other nice people for us introverts to develop lovely, deep, real friendships with. :)

[zoobie]

Why on earth would she bring that up if you didn't already know that? Didn't she realize that would hurt you? What a crazy woman.

This. I'd be stunned speechless and hurt too. :grouphug:

[Zebra]

Good question.  I'm not exactly sure - I think I'm still processing it all.

 

I'm kind of wondering if my ability to make friends was hindered because of her?  I'll never know, really, but still...that has long-term effects.  

 

I think I would have been better off not knowing, to be honest.  I have thought about it (too much) and cannot see the good that came from knowing.  I think she had her load lightened, while mine got heavier.  

 

I think I would rather have gotten a letter from her instead of meeting her for that purpose.  

That's a good point.   A letter, or at least a warning, "There are some things from our past I would like to discuss." would have been much kinder.   Then you would have been more prepared, and she could get it off her chest.   More of a win-win situation rather than her giving her load to you, so to speak.

[kitten18]

Good question.  I'm not exactly sure - I think I'm still processing it all.

 

I'm kind of wondering if my ability to make friends was hindered because of her?  I'll never know, really, but still...that has long-term effects.  

 

I think I would have been better off not knowing, to be honest.  I have thought about it (too much) and cannot see the good that came from knowing.  I think she had her load lightened, while mine got heavier.  

 

I think I would rather have gotten a letter from her instead of meeting her for that purpose.  

I would feel exactly the same way.  I think it was extremely selfish of her.  

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[wendyroo]

When I was in middle and high school (small, rural town) I was an overachieving geek and there was a group of kids who viciously bullied and tormented me.  When I go back to visit my parents I see some of those people out and about (library, grocery store, etc).  They often recognize me and strike up a conversation like we are old friends who parted on good terms and are now catching up on the last 15 years.  

 

On one hand, it makes me seethe inside because how can they forget or ignore that they spent years saying savagely hurtful things to me and cutting me down every chance they got for their own amusement?  On the other hand, that was a long time ago, and when I look at them now they appear to be normal, friendly, sociable adults.  On a third hand, we are talking about when they were teenagers, not toddlers, why shouldn't they be held accountable for persistent, atrocious behavior?  On a fourth hand, there is nothing I can really do about it, so "holding them accountable" just means dwelling on the issue instead of just moving on with my life grateful that I only rarely run into them.

 

I don't know why your old friend chose now to apologize, but I do think it probably required a lot of courage on her part.  I do not subscribe to ignorance is bliss, so I would have been happy she told me (after getting over the shock), even if it hurt.  Maybe she wanted to rekindle the friendship, but would have felt uncomfortable doing so without confessing what she had done in the past.

 

Wendy

[clementine]

When I was in middle and high school (small, rural town) I was an overachieving geek and there was a group of kids who viciously bullied and tormented me.  When I go back to visit my parents I see some of those people out and about (library, grocery store, etc).  They often recognize me and strike up a conversation like we are old friends who parted on good terms and are now catching up on the last 15 years.  

 

On one hand, it makes me seethe inside because how can they forget or ignore that they spent years saying savagely hurtful things to me and cutting me down every chance they got for their own amusement?  On the other hand, that was a long time ago, and when I look at them now they appear to be normal, friendly, sociable adults.  On a third hand, we are talking about when they were teenagers, not toddlers, why shouldn't they be held accountable for persistent, atrocious behavior?  On a fourth hand, there is nothing I can really do about it, so "holding them accountable" just means dwelling on the issue instead of just moving on with my life grateful that I only rarely run into them.

 

I don't know why your old friend chose now to apologize, but I do think it probably required a lot of courage on her part.  I do not subscribe to ignorance is bliss, so I would have been happy she told me (after getting over the shock), even if it hurt.  Maybe she wanted to rekindle the friendship, but would have felt uncomfortable doing so without confessing what she had done in the past.

 

Wendy

 

I'm sorry for what you've gone through - I can understand your feelings.   :grouphug:  Thank you.  

[Guest submarines]

Good question.  I'm not exactly sure - I think I'm still processing it all.

 

I'm kind of wondering if my ability to make friends was hindered because of her?  I'll never know, really, but still...that has long-term effects.  

 

I think I would have been better off not knowing, to be honest.  I have thought about it (too much) and cannot see the good that came from knowing.  I think she had her load lightened, while mine got heavier.  

 

I think I would rather have gotten a letter from her instead of meeting her for that purpose.  

:grouphug: Try not to overthink it. Those who were affected by her gossip were not friends material to begin with.

 

I think it affected you so much (too much?) because of your high hopes to rekindle the friendship + her very sudden revelation. FWIW, I'd be the same--going to meet her with high hopes for the friendship. I'm an introvert, and I don't have many friends, but the ones I have I cherish and enjoy. I can really see myself being excited about meeting a good friend from the past.

 

What I'd find hurtful is not even the revelation itself, but the fact that by making this revelation in the way she did,  she pretty much separated herself from the friendship. It was a step for her to complete. Ugh. How selfish and inconsiderate.

 

Hang in there. You need some time to process, obviously. But other than that, let it go. Maybe write a letter to her, and then burn it or something like that.

[Tangerine]

She unburdened herself and gave it to you. How thoughtful of her. I can't think what she was hoping to accomplish other than making herself feel better by apologizing for something you were unaware of.

[Guest submarines]

She unburdened herself and gave it to you. How thoughtful of her. I can't think what she was hoping to accomplish other than making herself feel better by apologizing for something you were unaware of.

:eek:  Clementine and Tangerine are not the same person!!!!!

 

 

 

 

carry on.

[Peaceful Isle]

I am not sure why she brought that up to you. Maybe she has been living in guilt about it all these years.

 

I am sure it is sad for you. :( I'm so sorry. Only you know what is best to do from here on out. If you feel like you can forgive and forget, than awesome. If you are too pained by the experience, than let her go.

Life is too short. Hugs

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Nm

[clementine]

:eek:  Clementine and Tangerine are not the same person!!!!!

 

 

 

 

carry on.

 

Oh, I needed that!!!    :lol:

[PeachyDoodle]

:grouphug: Try not to overthink it. Those who were affected by her gossip were not friends material to begin with.

 

I think it affected you so much (too much?) because of your high hopes to rekindle the friendship + her very sudden revelation. FWIW, I'd be the same--going to meet her with high hopes for the friendship. I'm an introvert, and I don't have many friends, but the ones I have I cherish and enjoy. I can really see myself being excited about meeting a good friend from the past.

 

What I'd find hurtful is not even the revelation itself, but the fact that by making this revelation in the way she did,  she pretty much separated herself from the friendship. It was a step for her to complete. Ugh. How selfish and inconsiderate.

 

Hang in there. You need some time to process, obviously. But other than that, let it go. Maybe write a letter to her, and then burn it or something like that.

 

This would definitely have been my reaction. The disappointment over the realization that my friend really only wanted to unburden herself, not reconnect with me, would have been harder to take than the confession itself. I am a fiercely loyal friend, and I have been badly hurt in the past by discovering that not everyone has the commitment to me that I have to them. I would have a hard time being angry over something that occurred so long ago, but I would be upset that she was playing my emotions for her own purposes in the here and now.

 

I'm sorry you are hurt. Try to let it go and get on with your (I'm certain spectacular) life!

[Lady Florida.]

My first thought was that she's in some kind of 12-step program and is 'making amends'.  Not sure what I would have said. 

 

That was my first thought too. I can't imagine why she would bring it up otherwise.

[Bluegoat]

I can understand feeling upset - it would be odd not to.

 

But I think really it was a pretty brave thing to do, and it showed a lot of back-bone to go out of her way and apologize to you.

 

I am pretty sure most of us have done something we are ashamed of at some point, but how often do we go out of our way and risk real humiliation and a scene to try and make amends, when we could let it lie with no risk at all?

ETA - I actually do think there can be benefits to this kind of thing, potentially for both people, and sometimes only for one.  I don't think pain and anger are things we should always shy away from - they can create a lot of growth. 

[Jennifer132]

I think I would appreciate that she admitted it and apologized. The past is the past. It's possible she was feeling bad about it all these years and wanted closure. I would forgive her because if the situation were reversed I would desire forgiveness myself.

Eta: I also think it's possible she took the time to admit it because she wants to re-kindle the friendship. She genuinely likes you and regrets saying bad things about you because she was jealous of you. Now she wants to let you know she has changed and wants a real friendship.

 

My sil and I never really got along. And finally one day I wrote her a letter and told her I was sorry for being rude to her in the past and saying I hoped we could get along in the future. I honestly don't remember what I said in detail, but it must've meant a lot to her, because ever since she has been much more friendly to me. We aren't super close, but we no longer have a wedge between us either.

[wonderchica]

I think while most posters say they would be upset, there's some precedence in TV/movies where someone apologizes for their wrongs and the other person feels healing. I watched a TV show just last week that did this. I still lean towards 12-step, but maybe her child has been bullied and she feels remorseful now for her actions. It sounds like you were happy with the friendship for many years, so I can't imagine how she harmed your ability to make friends (as you suggested in a later post).

[Guest submarines]

I think while most posters say they would be upset, there's some precedence in TV/movies where someone apologizes for their wrongs and the other person feels healing. I watched a TV show just last week that did this. I still lean towards 12-step, but maybe her child has been bullied and she feels remorseful now for her actions. It sounds like you were happy with the friendship for many years, so I can't imagine how she harmed your ability to make friends (as you suggested in a later post).

I think the only way for such an apology to work is when the person is aware of the wrongs. Like if the OP was openly bullied by her friend, and now the friend owned it up and apologized--very different than what happened to the OP.

[wonderchica]

I think the only way for such an apology to work is when the person is aware of the wrongs. Like if the OP was openly bullied by her friend, and now the friend owned it up and apologized--very different than what happened to the OP.

Oh, I agree! I just wondered if a less... Socially graceful person saw such a thing on TV and thought it would be a good idea. Or maybe she thought OP knew all along.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm a totally different person than I was in college (not to mention junior high).  I guess that colors my perception of the situation because it would seem like such old history to me.  

[kiwik]

I was AA but surely they explain the difference between a useful apology and just hurting again. And I thought it was people you had hurt during your addiction because you were addicted.

[Miss Mousie]

Another vote for 12-step program.

 

But, Clementine, I am now thinking that you need to contact her one more time, and tell her that your real friends are demanding to know exactly what in the world she was thinking.  ;)

 

:grouphug:   I'm sorry she hurt you.  That just stinks.

 

 

[MFG]

She unburdened herself and gave it to you. How thoughtful of her. I can't think what she was hoping to accomplish other than making herself feel better by apologizing for something you were unaware of.

This. I am not your unpaid therapist, b!tch!

[clementine]

Another vote for 12-step program.

 

But, Clementine, I am now thinking that you need to contact her one more time, and tell her that your real friends are demanding to know exactly what in the world she was thinking.  ;)

 

:grouphug:   I'm sorry she hurt you.  That just stinks.

 

Haha!  Thank you.  :001_smile: 

 

It is good for me to read the very different opinions & reactions here.  There really is no right way to respond, I guess - it is so personal.  But, I am seeing different points of view.  That is helpful.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I don't see it as selfish.  I see it as a way for her to try to rekindle that friendship by being completely honest.  It sounds like your past friendship was not completely built on honesty and trust.  This time she wants it to be.  While I understand it may hurt and hurt a lot, I think you should commend her for trying to do the right thing and not necessarily focus on the (unknown) intentions behind it.

[Slartibartfast]

"And what sort of treatment are you seeking for this issue?"

 

 

That is INSANE, I wouldn't want to be friends would someone who had such severe jealousy issues that they didn't want me to have other friends.  Unless they were going through some sort of counseling I would tell them to just forget they knew me.