Ds4 and transitioning

[MedicMom]

DS4 cannot transition.

At all.

 

Even asking him to do something he wants, like put his shoes and coat on so we can go get ice cream, is a temper tantrum complete with kicking and hitting. Anything that involves moving from one activity to another is a nightmare anymore.

 

He is very verbal and able to talk it through, but he seems to get so frustrated with trying to transition that he lashes out physically. Disciplining does not work; we've tried it all. Ten and five minute warnings help, but not completely.

 

I truthfully have not seen aggressive behavior in him until the last month, but it's escalating. I went to part time hours at work to try and be with him more both for him and until the end of my pregnancy. He sees an OT as well as a social skills therapist, who both feel this is not an anger or a behavior issue, but stems from not being able to manage frustration and transitioning, and he copes by being aggressive.

 

Any other parents deal with this? What did you do? I thought about posting on the special needs board but thought perhaps there are NT children who struggle as well.

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

[Pegs]

When I was still physically able to, I helped my young DS with transitions by sort of swaddling him in a stretchy cotton blanket, and strapping him in to his stroller. He needed that sensory input to help prompt a sense of safety and security. Once it became a habit for us both, he was far less freaked out about leaving. I think a huge part of his anxiety was related to the apprehension of not knowing what he would be feeling wherever we were going next, but the tightly wrapped blanket became a sensation he could count on.

 

It wasn't a perfect solution, but it made a BIG difference.

[LMV]

:grouphug: 

My husband's godson who we raised as a teen struggled with this a lot during adolescence.  I didn't know him when he was your son's age but, from things my husband has said, I suspect he struggled then although to what sounds like a lesser degree than your son does and definitely to a much lesser degree than during adolescence.  I do think that some of his struggles when he was younger didn't stand out as much because his peers were also younger and the reality is that even neurotypical four and five year olds can be a bit unpredictable and emotionally labile at times. I also think that his biological father really knew him and all of his cues and quirks which helped smooth things out a lot. I think we saw a lot more struggling in adolescence because in addition to all of the circulating hormones there were also grief issues (he came to live with us after his father's death after a brief stint living with his biological mother who was in no position to parent) and to an extent his whole life at that point was a series of abrupt and unpleasant transitions.

 

In full disclosure, our godson was also diagnosed with ADHD and treating that did help a lot with transition issues and life in general.  There was also a lot of question about some kind of conduct disorder or intermittent explosive disorder but neither of those diagnoses really fit from my husband's perspective even during the worst moments.  Ultimately, once he had some measure of stability in our family and the ADHD was managed successfully none of the professionals really felt those diagnoses were right either.  Years have passed, he is now a detective with our state police force and married with a little boy of his own.  His son is a few years older than your little boy and he has benefited from medication for ADHD (and from having two parents who love him and get him and devote a significant chunk of their lives to helping him succeed). Because his father managed to transition to non stimulant medications for his ADHD in later adolescence our grandgodson's pediatrician opted to start there initially and see if by treating early and titrating they could be successful without stimulant therapy.  That approach is working well so far but I know his parents are willing to consider stimulants if it comes to that point.

 

Admittedly, I don't know your son and only have a partial picture of everything from what you have shared here but I do see some flags for impulsivity that many not all be explained by developmental stage. I know for our godson getting the impulsivity issues addressed were key for allowing for overall emotional regulation. Just something to consider....

[bettyandbob]

Some things may be adding in:

1. My older two always had a harder time in Feb/March. Winter dragging out affected everyone's ability to cope.

2. You are pregnant and your ds is aware. He knows change is coming and it stresses him out.

3. Your ds just left a school placement. You needed to do that, but change is hard. My oldest is 2E. We became aware that he thought there was something wrong with him, not the school after he'd been home for a little while.

 

keep up the OT and social skills therapy. The weighted blanket suggestion is a good one--deep pressure has a calming affect. Has the OT given you exercises and sensory programming for home (if not ask for it).

 

And after a while, our family began to plan around predicted behavior. I don't know what this might look like in your house. I can't even say it was the best approach for my family--planning around has meant we didn't do many things as a family that I thought we would.

[Anne in CA]

My oldest was not able to transition and it contributed to her failure in ps. Whenever I volunteered in her school I would see that she would not be moving on to the next subject, but still doing the last one, so she was missing the instruction part of the next subject, she brought home lots of mumbo jumbo home work with no instructions that we tried to help her with, but since none of her teachers used text books much you were never sure if you were helping her the right way... arrggghhh. That was why we home schooled.

 

In home schooling it took ten minutes to transition from one subject to the next even when she was 11/ 12, and that was only if you stuck to a routine of how you transitioned. She got a lot better at 13. I would definitely build in transition time to whatever you are doing. Identify routine that helps transitions. I would sing little songs to get her dressed in the morning when she was young and that helped a lot. We sang Barney/ veggie tale songs to get her to brush her teeth, put on her clothes, eat her cereal. As much as you can make a game for a young child who is not transitioning well, do it, IME. When you find something that works, keep it up! These kids need the routine!

 

And if it makes you feel better when I put her in high school I spoke to her guidance counselor about this issue and he told me that when the school moved to a block schedule with fewer classes lasting longer lots of problems were solved due to two less transitions a day.

[MedicMom]

Thank you.

 

I think ADHD is a possibility. He has very poor impulse control, even for a four year old. I know they don't want to give him that diagnosis until he is a little older; just to see if he grows out of some of this.

 

I am just very tired and discouraged today. He is very lonely at home, but I can't put him in any sort of activity with other kids because he just can't transition at all. And every single thing here is a fight, all the time.

[Pegs]

It sounds really exhausting and isolating. :(

[luuknam]

You say he doesn't even want to transition for stuff like going out for ice cream which he likes. But what things is he doing that he doesn't want to transition from? Is it everything? Or are there activities he does that make it more likely for him to tantrum if asked to stop and go do something else. For instance any kind of electronics is a common thing that a lot of kids struggle to transition from, even to do other fun stuff at times.

 

Could you keep a journal for a few days and write down what he was doing, how he reacted when asked to do something else, and the consequence of his reaction.

 

For example:

 

3pm: He was playing with his Legos. I told him to put his coat on so we could go for ice cream. He started screaming so I sent him to his room and he did not get ice cream.

7pm: He was playing with his cars. I said "lets put the cars away so they can go sleep for the night". He started crying so I let him play with his cars for 5 more minutes.

 

It might be a lot of work to keep a journal like that, especially if these transitions are a common problem, but it might help you see patterns, which might help you see solutions. Maybe he still could use an afternoon nap (I know a kid who'll turn 5 in May who still naps), or maybe he has more trouble with transitions when his blood sugar is low, or maybe it's more of an issue with transitioning from a few select activities such as electronics or his favorite toys.

[Peaceful Isle]

Mine has a hard time with transition too. He doesn't hit, but he will throw a tantrum and cry.

 

I give him 5 minute and 1 minute warnings and it helps. I also let him know that, after a bit, he can return to his toys and play ( or whatever it may be that he is doing) I try to give hope to him that it is not the end of what he is doing, just a little bump in the road, so to speak. He is very smart and intense and loves life. 

 

Not really any words of wisdom. Just an understanding mom here. :)

[Btervet]

My oldest DS struggles with transitions here as well. It doesn't matter if he wants to do something new, it's just switching gears that is difficult for him. Warnings sometimes helped, but other times seemed counter-productive as he would just freak out during the 5 minutes before the transition. 

 

What has made a big difference is singing a song during transitions. He has always loved songs, and finally a friend suggested trying a specific song whenever we move from one activity to another. It gives him something to focus on so he can switch gears without loosing it. It also seems to help because he is so used to singing the song and caught up in the lyrics, that he doesn't stop to cry/scream/yell. It's not perfect, but it's a lot better. I think age has helped as well. Going from 4 to 5 has been a big difference in coping skills.

[AndyJoy]

My oldest DS struggles with transitions here as well. It doesn't matter if he wants to do something new, it's just switching gears that is difficult for him. Warnings sometimes helped, but other times seemed counter-productive as he would just freak out during the 5 minutes before the transition.

 

What has made a big difference is singing a song during transitions. He has always loved songs, and finally a friend suggested trying a specific song whenever we move from one activity to another. It gives him something to focus on so he can switch gears without loosing it. It also seems to help because he is so used to singing the song and caught up in the lyrics, that he doesn't stop to cry/scream/yell. It's not perfect, but it's a lot better. I think age has helped as well. Going from 4 to 5 has been a big difference in coping skills.

I was going to suggest a song of some sort too. Remember the "Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere.." mainstay of preschools? I know there are transition songs out there or you can make your own.

 

I'm trying to think if there is a useful one from Daniel Tiger...I know there is an epidode that involves unhappiness with leaving a fun activity, but I can't recall the song off the top of my head. Now I'll have to look it up tomorrow or it will bug me all day :). Daniel Tiger songs have been super helpful for issues with my (likely but undiagnosed) ADHD son (going to potty immediately, finishing all steps, etc.) If you don't know about DT I'd suggest looking it up in general even if it doesn't directly apply to this issue because I've found it to be so useful with my boy!

 

I made up a little ditty about putting on pants when he was only a few months old because he would resist me putting them on him. It worked wonderfully and got us over that hurdle. Now we sing it for DD and it helps her too.

[AndyJoy]

There is a Daniel Tiger song involving a morning routine that goes, "Clothes on, eat breakfast, brush teeth, put on shoes, and off to school." We use this one a lot and change up the words to fit our plans. He and I both like to throw in a goofy, needless action as well to make it fun.

 

When he was just a toddler, I had him "wave bye-bye" and say "see you later" to the park or his toys or whatever he had to leave. This is probably too babyish to start at 4, but it might inspire you to think of some comparable routine. It worked great for him. I just used it on DD (19 mo.) today when she screamed and flailed as we prepared to leave the park. I regrouped by sending her up the rock wall and down the slide again, then used the "bye-bye park" technique and it worked perfectly.

[*Lulu*]

At age 4/5/6 Punk needed 20, 15, 10, 5, 3 minute warnings to transition from any sort of play to something else. With each warning I gave a list of what was happening next.

 

Example:

 

Me: Okay, in 20 minutes we are going to put away the blocks. Then we will use the bathroom, put on our shoes, change Sissy's diaper, and go get icecream.

 

 

Even at age 12 Punk needs transition time. And each night I have to give him a run down of the next day.

[City Mouse]

I agree with more warnings. My DS needed the count down from 5 to 1 min.

You might try a picture schedule of his day. When I taught preschool, we would go over the schedule each morning so the kids knew what yo expect, then take down each picture as the activity was finished.

[bettyandbob]

I used a countdown timer when my dc were older (early to mid elementary). It helped a little for them to see a warning rather than just hear me. Your ds may be a little young to teach and use this, but there are many gadgets out there to help people (not just kids) with these tendencies. As your dc age you may need to look at electronic schedules and special alarm clocks. You aren't the only one with a dc like this, but it is quite isolating. It gets better with time.  :grouphug:

 

My countdown timer was like this: http://www.amazon.com/Learning-Resources-LER6900-Time-Tracker/dp/B0007DHU0S/ref=sr_1_34?ie=UTF8&qid=1426769662&sr=8-34&keywords=countdown+timer 

[Incognito]

Yes, if you haven't tried saying "goodbye" to various things as part of the transition, try that.  It helps A LOT with my kids.

 

FWIW, it's hard to do, but if you can fake confidence that he will transition well and that things will go smoothly, it will probably help.  My kids have some kind of radar for insecurity, and it seems to cause less straightforward responses.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

In addition to all of the ideas mentioned above, you might also create a picture schedule for him for the day.  *I* had to put a lot more structure into my day for quite a few years in  order for one ds to cope. We gradually built in flexibility.

 

We have a morning meeting every morning after breakfast where we discuss our plan for the day. When "surprises" happen, I say that we had a change to our plan and that we are going to be flexible. I would then talk about where we are going to go.  

 

FWIW, if I said that we were going to library, post office, and then the grocery store, I had to go in that order. I could *add* to that order, but I couldn't go out of order.

 

You might also look at some of the transition activities out on pinterest. Saying goodbye to everything is a good thing. We also used a number of little songs like the Daniel Tiger one mentioned above.  I currently teach a SN Sunday School class for 4 year olds. We use songs for hello, different activities, and goodbye because two little boys REALLY need them.  For my own ds, it was a picture chart. You will find something that he will latch on to....  It may be as simple as FIRST/THEN.  First we will eat breakfast, then we will go in the car to the library.  Or, first we will take a bath, then we will play a game.