Can we get respite care for homeschoolers?

[DesertBlossom]

I kid. Kind of. Not really. Can we make it happen?

 

My homeschooling SIL lives a couple hours from her parents and several times a year she leaves her kids there for a few days. I know one year she did it before the start of the school year so she could get herself all organized.

 

I am insanely jealous. It's probably not healthy how much I fantasize about having that. I need that.

 

For the most part I feel really good about homeschooling but I do feel like I am constantly behind in the planning and house cleaning and "me time." With little kids underfoot all day every day I just never catch up. I need respite care. Or my ils within 2 hrs driving distance. (I never, ever, ever thought I'd say that.)

[HS Mom in NC]

I used to invite homeschooled kids over to my house for a whole day (they brought sack lunches) in December so their parents could get Christmas shopping done.

[RKWAcademy]

I'm right there, too.  My parents are a ten hour drive away.  No dropping off the kiddos.  I envy people with family in the same state!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've hired a substitute before.  I hired a friend who was a teacher to work with the kids while I did jury duty for a week. She did great!  I was a bit worried that the kids wouldn't want to go back to me!

 

i hired a neighbor - also a teacher - to work with dd for months because I was in a particularly rough spot healthwise.  That was a disaster because that neighbor is the same one I've told neighbor stories about!  She would only teach the things that she thought was interesting.  I fired her without letting her know she was being fired.

[EmilyGF]

I have my kids in German Saturday School. It turned out to make all the difference between a burnt-out pessimistic mom and a happy mom. Another plus is that they like learning German. :-)

 

Emily

[kitten18]

I kid. Kind of. Not really. Can we make it happen?

 

My homeschooling SIL lives a couple hours from her parents and several times a year she leaves her kids there for a few days. I know one year she did it before the start of the school year so she could get herself all organized.

 

I am insanely jealous. It's probably not healthy how much I fantasize about having that. I need that.

 

For the most part I feel really good about homeschooling but I do feel like I am constantly behind in the planning and house cleaning and "me time." With little kids underfoot all day every day I just never catch up. I need respite care. Or my ils within 2 hrs driving distance. (I never, ever, ever thought I'd say that.)

I'm also insanely jealous of those who have family close who will watch their kids.

 

My MIL would be thrilled to take the kids for a few days but she's 1,3000 miles away. :(

[Tsuga]

I kid. Kind of. Not really. Can we make it happen?

 

My homeschooling SIL lives a couple hours from her parents and several times a year she leaves her kids there for a few days. I know one year she did it before the start of the school year so she could get herself all organized.

 

I am insanely jealous. It's probably not healthy how much I fantasize about having that. I need that.

 

For the most part I feel really good about homeschooling but I do feel like I am constantly behind in the planning and house cleaning and "me time." With little kids underfoot all day every day I just never catch up. I need respite care. Or my ils within 2 hrs driving distance. (I never, ever, ever thought I'd say that.)

 

We public school and I WOH and we get this. Granted, I could use more time with my kids now, but my mom loves having them and I can't deny grandma her grandbabies.

 

When I lived in Asia, in three different countries, this was common. Either a woman would go with only the nursing babe to visit her mom for a few days a month, and the ILs would mind the children, or the woman would leave the children with her own mom and go visit relatives nearby. Never been to a country outside of England or the US where the grandparents did not regularly take the children for overnights / day trips or there was not household help.

 

I am so glad I lived in a traditional society to know that not only is that normal human behavior, it's actually sanity-saving.

 

My sister, my mom, and my in-laws and I have always done this. We get weekends off sometimes.

 

I have lived in two communities (military housing and student housing) in which we would have "sleepovers" and take one another's kids.

 

I do believe in attachment parenting, but we just attach to the community, to the wider group, not only to ONE PERSON who has to do it ALL for that kid.

 

This is not a criticism of homeschooling, because that's just one aspect of the kid's life. I do think that every parent needs a respite particularly homeschoolers and those caring for disabled children.

[Ravin]

I ship mine off to my mom for several weeks in summer. It's good for her and I both to have that break, and gives her a chance to build relationships with family she'd otherwise see much less of because they're in another state.

[HS Mom in NC]

I understand there are times when a move away from extended relatives is necessary.

 

However,  I would caution people against moving away from extended family support (assuming you don't have toxic relatives) for a "better" job, a dream job, a "better" location or a dream location if you have children in the home. I have had 4 generations of extended relatives on both sides when my kids were little.  It's a very valuable thing to be able to encourage a relationship with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents while mom gets a break. I've been on 6 weeks of bedrest with baby #2 while I had a toddler. I've also taken care of dying grandparents and have a 44 year old SIL with stage 4 terminal cancer who has 2 kids (10 and 13.) If she didn't have a network of relatives on her side and her husband's side I have no idea how they would manage getting the level of help they need on a weekly basis. I have literally driven from one hospital visiting my step-dad down the freeway for 15 minutes to another hospital visiting my FIL.  I know there are times you just can't stay near the relatives, but I think people who haven't been through needing support don't always think of it when they're considering moving  away.

[T'smom]

I ship mine off to my mom for several weeks in summer. It's good for her and I both to have that break, and gives her a chance to build relationships with family she'd otherwise see much less of because they're in another state.

Several weeks?!? I am so.jealous. Sooooo jealous. Did I mention I was jealous?

[blondeviolin]

Oh, I know what you mean! His parents are over 3,000 miles away and mine are over 4,000. It's rough. On top of that, my husband often works 12-16 hour days.

 

Sometimes I think we just need to take a break and have an off day...but that just means that my kids think it means it's time to be hyper and silly all day long which does. not. help.

 

No solution here. But a whole load of commiseration!

[momacacia]

It will only buy a day or maybe only part of it but there is the TV babysitter. <blush> you could even get educational videos. ;)

 

But you could read, clean, cook or plan during that time all with a little more mental and physical space.

[plansrme]

Y'all know you can pay people to stay with the kids? Husbands also--often free on weekends, evenings, vacation days. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic--Lord knows I appreciate the need for mom time, but there are ways for most families to make this happen even without grandparents next door.

[wendyroo]

It will only buy a day or maybe only part of it but there is the TV babysitter. <blush> you could even get educational videos. ;)

 

But you could read, clean, cook or plan during that time all with a little more mental and physical space.

 

I give myself this gift for my birthday every year.  All the children are planted in front of the TV all day and I clean my house from top to bottom.  Then DH comes home and takes us all out to dinner.  I love starting off my new year with a serene, tidy home.

 

Wendy

[SparklyUnicorn]

I give myself this gift for my birthday every year.  All the children are planted in front of the TV all day and I clean my house from top to bottom.  Then DH comes home and takes us all out to dinner.  I love starting off my new year with a serene, tidy home.

 

Wendy

 

I don't know.  A REAL gift would involve that and someone else cleans the house!

[SparklyUnicorn]

Mothers in general need respite care.  I can't recall when I had an actual vacation.  Even if we go on "vacation" it's actually more work for me so I'm usually not all that excited about "vacations". 

 

Although my kids aren't as young and becoming less demanding.

 

 

[Jann in TX]

I ran away from home once--sorta...

 

After 13 years of homeschooling (one dd with ASD and one with major health issues and anxiety) I thought I could finally 'relax'-- but middle dd's first year of college (away) was just as stressful for me (late night calls/complaints most nights and a few ambulance trips with her too far for me to come).  When we decided that middle dd needed to transfer closer to home I decided I needed a break.  I 'ran away' to the other side of the world (Uganda) for a month.  My parents live 8 hours away and they met DH half way so youngest dd could spend a few weeks with them. Another aunt stepped up and took DD to the beach and to our family's hill country cabin.  Needless to say DD had a blast, DH did get some one on one time with her and best of all I came back inspired AND refreshed.

 

Middle dd is graduating from college in a few weeks.  I'm seriously considering a 2 week trip back to Uganda to decompress again/celebrate!

If anyone else wants to come just let me know!

[AmyontheFarm]

Last year at this time, my husband had hernia surgery 4 hours from home.  Of course, I went with him for the 4 days he was there.  I priced out a nice hotel with an indoor pool and great wifi.  I could only visit hubby for 2 hrs in the afternoon and 2 hours in the evening.  I was 10 mins from the hospital and I had a blast!  I was able to relax, do a tonne of planning and organizing.  I even was able to connect with a girl friend.  I felt bad that hubby was having surgery and in pain, but I felt awesome!

 

I asked hubby last week if he had any surgery plans soon.  He says no.

[BlsdMama]

I understand there are times when a move away from extended relatives is necessary.

 

However, I would caution people against moving away from extended family support (assuming you don't have toxic relatives) for a "better" job, a dream job, a "better" location or a dream location if you have children in the home. I have had 4 generations of extended relatives on both sides when my kids were little. It's a very valuable thing to be able to encourage a relationship with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents while mom gets a break. I've been on 6 weeks of bedrest with baby #2 while I had a toddler. I've also taken care of dying grandparents and have a 44 year old SIL with stage 4 terminal cancer who has 2 kids (10 and 13.) If she didn't have a network of relatives on her side and her husband's side I have no idea how they would manage getting the level of help they need on a weekly basis. I have literally driven from one hospital visiting my step-dad down the freeway for 15 minutes to another hospital visiting my FIL. I know there are times you just can't stay near the relatives, but I think people who haven't been through needing support don't always think of it when they're considering moving away.

We moved home a year and a half ago and sacrificed like minded friends for this. Yes.

[FaithManor]

I have hired a substitute teacher before.

 

When my youngest was born, my sister, a college bound high school senior, was off from school for a week at about the time that dh was returning to work. (He took two weeks off.) I wanted to get back at it, but also due to a rough delivery, needed another week before I was going to be up to getting back into it with dd, then a fourth grader.

 

So, I paid my sister to come stay with us for a week. She was a great tutor for dd, and even did the cooking and meal planning for me as well as laundry. She enjoyed the income, and I enjoyed one more week of laying around with the baby which made it much easier for me to get back into the swing of things the week after she left.

 

I have also taken another homeschooling family's third grade daughter into my home for a month and educated her while their baby was hospitalized. She was at a place, particularly in math, where the mom was concerned about taking all of that time off right in the middle of these new concepts, and yet, needed to admit she simply couldn't do it herself. They did not want to enroll her in school for the remainder of the semester, and I was willing to help. Another mom, sort of an honorary grandma whose children were grown, then came to their house for a month after baby came home. No deficits in education occurred, and momma was able to do what she needed to do which was be devoted to getting her sick baby stabilized. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

 

I have also given a couple who needed to get a way and talk through some interpersonal problems, a week off from their children who spent "spring break" here.

[TammyS]

Y'all know you can pay people to stay with the kids? Husbands also--often free on weekends, evenings, vacation days. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic--Lord knows I appreciate the need for mom time, but there are ways for most families to make this happen even without grandparents next door.

 

Some people can.  Where I live the going rate for teen babysitter is $10/ :svengo: hr. 

 

Not doable for me.

[wendyroo]

I understand there are times when a move away from extended relatives is necessary.

 

However,  I would caution people against moving away from extended family support (assuming you don't have toxic relatives) for a "better" job, a dream job, a "better" location or a dream location if you have children in the home. I have had 4 generations of extended relatives on both sides when my kids were little.  It's a very valuable thing to be able to encourage a relationship with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents while mom gets a break. I've been on 6 weeks of bedrest with baby #2 while I had a toddler. I've also taken care of dying grandparents and have a 44 year old SIL with stage 4 terminal cancer who has 2 kids (10 and 13.) If she didn't have a network of relatives on her side and her husband's side I have no idea how they would manage getting the level of help they need on a weekly basis. I have literally driven from one hospital visiting my step-dad down the freeway for 15 minutes to another hospital visiting my FIL.  I know there are times you just can't stay near the relatives, but I think people who haven't been through needing support don't always think of it when they're considering moving  away.

 

I think for more and more people there is nowhere they could move that would put them by multiple family members.  Families are so spread out.  My husband's parents live in South Carolina (and are not physically capable of watching my kids even when we do see them).  His sister and her family are in Ohio (the year before they were in Virginia, two years before that in Texas, before that in Germany, etc).  My husband only has 6 cousins and they live in 6 different states with their families.

 

We chose to move back to my home state to be close (2 hours) to my parents.  For now that also puts us sort of near my brother, but he is young and single and often talks about moving far and wide for a job or just for fun.  We are in the same state as some of my other extended family, but in reality being 4, 5, 6 hours away in all different directions means we rarely see them.

 

Wendy

[Ottakee]

I always wanted to put my family into "suspended animation" where they would STOP.....no more needs, no messes, NOTHING.......until I caught up.  The rest of the world needed to stop too........except for all of the businesses I needed to make phone calls to, etc.  It was wishful thinking.

[Tsuga]

 

 

Where I live the going rate for teen babysitter is $10/  :svengo: hr. 

 

Yup, same here. When we plan a date, babysitting is half the cost.

 

Anyway, who is going to take the kids for the whole weekend?!? It would be insanely expensive and hard to justify for a one-income family.

[Shellydon]

I live 30 minutes from my parents, but they will not take my kids for more than a couple of hours.  Even if you have family close by, it doesn't mean you will get a break. 

[Shellydon]

Some people can.  Where I live the going rate for teen babysitter is $10/ :svengo: hr. 

 

Not doable for me.

 

Yep.  It is $12 here.  A date from 6pm-10pm would be $50 in just sitter costs. 

[DesertBlossom]

I always wanted to put my family into "suspended animation" where they would STOP.....no more needs, no messes, NOTHING.......until I caught up. The rest of the world needed to stop too........except for all of the businesses I needed to make phone calls to, etc. It was wishful thinking.

This would also work!

 

After reading the responses, I feel guilty admitting this now... but my kids even go to a one day a week enrichment program while the littlest go to a babysitting co op with my sisters. So I have one day a week to get my grocery shopping and errands done. Something that is impossible the rest of the week. My immediate family is all nearby, thankfully, and we get together often. My mom was invaluable and she was always offering to help, but she passed away last year.

 

We have left the kids with my siblings for a couple days, but we've only done that a couple times.

 

A lot of my feelings have to do with my kids' ages. Five kids ages 9 and under. Even if we "skip school" just the meals and cleaning up regular messes takes up too much time to tackle bigger projects that I would like to get done.

[AmyontheFarm]

I always wanted to put my family into "suspended animation" where they would STOP.....no more needs, no messes, NOTHING.......until I caught up.  The rest of the world needed to stop too........except for all of the businesses I needed to make phone calls to, etc.  It was wishful thinking.

 

I would love suspended animation!  Imagine how useful that would be! LOL

[wendyroo]

Yup, same here. When we plan a date, babysitting is half the cost.

 

Anyway, who is going to take the kids for the whole weekend?!? It would be insanely expensive and hard to justify for a one-income family.

 

Exactly, and on top of that, much of the time what I really want is for ME to be home and the KIDS to be elsewhere and that is hard to accomplish with a babysitter.  Dates are all well and good, but sometimes I just long to get some cleaning done without any little people underfoot.

 

It sounds insane, but for the last couple years I've been staying up all night on a Friday every 6ish weeks. 

 

I take a nap during the kids' rest time on Friday, and then I spend all night doing what needs to be done uninterrupted.  It is amazing how quickly I can get all the bathrooms and kitchen spotless when no one is screaming, "MOM!!".  I can mop the floors without worrying about small feet immediately tracking dirt on them again.  I can do some freezer cooking; I can finish all the laundry; I can sort the toys in the basement without "help".

 

Then around 4 or 5am I go to bed.  DH gets the kids up and fed and through their usual routine.  I get up around 10 or 11am, shower and am ready to join them for lunch.

 

As odd as it sounds, those nights are really rejuvenating to me.  The house is so quiet and peaceful; I listen to podcasts or audio books or music that makes me smile.  I drink tea with way too much sugar and never once have to worry about little hands spilling it.  It is freeing to have that many hours all in a row that I am off duty...even if I am spending them scrubbing toilets and organizing the pantry.

 

Wendy

[mamaraby]

My parents are really good at helping out when they can, but that's not always possible. After my middle child was born, I ended up home with a newborn and my three year old by myself two days after giving birth. My dh had a new job and couldn't take any time off (and we needed the income) and all the rst of my family was either working or in school. I remember sitting on the bed and crying because I was so overwhelmed. Living near one's family does not guarantee that family will be able to offer help.

 

I take what I can get. Today it's Starbucks while the kids are at an outside class. In a couple of weeks it'll be a kid sleepover at my parents house (my mom's retired now). This summer it'll be while dh takes the kids to visit his family. As for babysitters? Forget about it! It costs more to pay the babysitter than it does to go out.

[TammyS]

I would love suspended animation!  Imagine how useful that would be! LOL

 

I think I'd be tempted to hit the button to suspend them, then break it off so that they can't be turned back on.  Hopefully the feeling would change after a couple of naps.

[G5052]

Yep.  It is $12 here.  A date from 6pm-10pm would be $50 in just sitter costs. 

 

Been there.  Hiring someone was not doable for many years.  

 

Even though we have friends who have taken them here and there, we've only done that for medical emergencies and out-of-state medical procedures and surgery where I didn't want them waiting for a whole day.  The stress of that plus cranky kids puts me over-the-top.  When there was an 8-hour surgery and a long hospital stay, relatives came.  Another time with a long hospital stay, a relative picked them up and took them to yet another relative in another state.

 

The good news is that now they're teens.  They're not nearly as messy and can do many of the household chores.  And I leave them regularly to do their work and some of the cleaning.

[GoVanGogh]

I understand there are times when a move away from extended relatives is necessary.

 

However,  I would caution people against moving away from extended family support (assuming you don't have toxic relatives) for a "better" job, a dream job, a "better" location or a dream location if you have children in the home. I have had 4 generations of extended relatives on both sides when my kids were little.  It's a very valuable thing to be able to encourage a relationship with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents while mom gets a break. I've been on 6 weeks of bedrest with baby #2 while I had a toddler. I've also taken care of dying grandparents and have a 44 year old SIL with stage 4 terminal cancer who has 2 kids (10 and 13.) If she didn't have a network of relatives on her side and her husband's side I have no idea how they would manage getting the level of help they need on a weekly basis. I have literally driven from one hospital visiting my step-dad down the freeway for 15 minutes to another hospital visiting my FIL.  I know there are times you just can't stay near the relatives, but I think people who haven't been through needing support don't always think of it when they're considering moving  away.

 

The other side of the coin:

 

DH and I moved across the country 30 years ago. We were young and fresh out of college. We grew up very quickly, learning how to live on our own in the cold, cruel world. We have never relied on our family to bail us out. We have a wonderful network of friends that I would truly say are more like family to us. We have gone through a lot over the past three decades - serious car accident, emergency surgeries, special needs child. You find and make your own support system where you are.

 

My siblings have all remained close to home and still rely on our elderly parents for everything. Flat tire? Call dad. Need a babysitter? Call mom. One of my siblings lives a lifestyle that they could neither afford financially or time-wise if they didn't have extensive help from our parents. This sibling has my parents, in poor healh, driving an hour back and forth on the interstate, babysitting their children and carpooling them to activities. Yes, my parents do enjoy it, but there are times that it is truly a hardship for them (recent surgeries had them both down, icy winter roads, etc) but they wouldn't dream of telling my sibling to find another taxi driver. This sibling has multiple college degrees, a professional job, yet still has a lot of growing up to do.

 

ETA: I should really say "our" siblings, not "my." My MIL still does laundry for one of her kids that lives local. (Said "kid" is 50-years-old, single, has their own house, works full-time.)

[HS Mom in NC]

The other side of the coin:

 

DH and I moved across the country 30 years ago. We were young and fresh out of college. We grew up very quickly, learning how to live on our own in the cold, cruel world. We have never relied on our family to bail us out. We have a wonderful network of friends that I would truly say are more like family to us. We have gone through a lot over the past three decades - serious car accident, emergency surgeries, special needs child. You find and make your own support system where you are.

 

My siblings have all remained close to home and still rely on our elderly parents for everything. Flat tire? Call dad. Need a babysitter? Call mom. One of my siblings lives a lifestyle that they could neither afford financially or time-wise if they didn't have extensive help from our parents. This sibling has my parents, in poor healh, driving an hour back and forth on the interstate, babysitting their children and carpooling them to activities. Yes, my parents do enjoy it, but there are times that it is truly a hardship for them (recent surgeries had them both down, icy winter roads, etc) but they wouldn't dream of telling my sibling to find another taxi driver. This sibling has multiple college degrees, a professional job, yet still has a lot of growing up to do.

 

ETA: I should really say "our" siblings, not "my." My MIL still does laundry for one of her kids that lives local. (Said "kid" is 50-years-old, single, has their own house, works full-time.)

 

It's not the other side of the coin, it's changing the subject entirely. I didn't mention "bail out" situations in my post.  I talked about hospitalizations, terminal illnesses and relationships with extended relatives.  None of those is even remotely similar to "bailing" anyone "out." 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

I think for more and more people there is nowhere they could move that would put them by multiple family members.  Families are so spread out.  My husband's parents live in South Carolina (and are not physically capable of watching my kids even when we do see them).  His sister and her family are in Ohio (the year before they were in Virginia, two years before that in Texas, before that in Germany, etc).  My husband only has 6 cousins and they live in 6 different states with their families.

 

We chose to move back to my home state to be close (2 hours) to my parents.  For now that also puts us sort of near my brother, but he is young and single and often talks about moving far and wide for a job or just for fun.  We are in the same state as some of my other extended family, but in reality being 4, 5, 6 hours away in all different directions means we rarely see them.

 

Wendy

 

I didn't mean this only applied to homeschoolers.  I think it applies to everyone.  Everyone needs to consider that their extended relatives will face serious, extended medical issues at some time. Life expectancy is getting longer and this will be a longer phase of life for each generation as a whole.  That should be factored into anyone's decision to move far away from extended relatives.   It shouldn't be the only factor, but it's a neglected factor for a whole lot of people.

 

Also, there isn't a substitute for deeper, more intimate extended relative relationships.  You can be a happy, contented person without them, but that doesn't negate their value.  Too many people don't factor that in at all either.  Again, it's not the only factor, but it's important assuming the relatives aren't toxic people.

 

[GoVanGogh]

It's not the other side of the coin, it's changing the subject entirely. I didn't mention "bail out" situations in my post. I talked about hospitalizations, terminal illnesses and relationships with extended relatives. None of those is even remotely similar to "bailing" anyone "out."

I don't see it that way. I get flack from my siblings all the time that I don't have the same relationship with our parents that they have. But I think my relationship is built off an adult relationship, not one based off need and guilt. We have gone through hospitalizations and terminal illnesses while living across the country. No, it isn't the same as living there. But we make things work out.

DH and I neither one liked growing up in our hometown. We can't even imagine what we would be like today if we had stayed. It is a dying part of the country - few decent jobs, nothing at all in the field DH wanted to go into. I certainly wouldn't tell my child they should consider staying in that area.

There are ways to build relationships over the distance - email, letters, phone calls, Skype, vacations. No, it isn't the same as being there. DH and I grew up with big extended families and Sunday dinners crowded around the table. We do miss that and regret that our child doesn't have that. But - in all honesty - divorce and remarriage on both sides of the family killed the extended family gatherings years before DH and I moved away.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The Y has been a sanity saver for me.  When dd was younger I would leave her in their childcare for an hour (two hours per day max) and work-out and/or visit with friends.  I couldn't leave the premises but it was nice.  Now she volunteers there and I can be off doing my own thing knowing that she's safe and is engaged in helping others.  Ds has benefited from their teen program in the past.  When I reached a total impasse at one point with dd I signed her up for two days of their spring break activities.  It was a big stretch for us financially but it was good for both us for her to be gone for two entire days.  

[RootAnn]

DH saw that I had a need for this a year or two ago, so now he encourages me to go out with a friend one night every week or three, whenever the schedule can support. I had a 'dream' get away one time where I met a group of moms who all had kids the same age as dd#3. We'd "met" on a Babycenter birth board and some of us were able to finally get together when the kids were 5 or 6. It was three or four days of beach, window shopping, talking in person, and getting a pedicure. :swoon:

 

My mom only lives an hour an a half from here along with most of the rest of my family. In a pinch, she'll watch the kids. However, I try to let that be in emergencies only since she's a toxic grandparent. Back when my dad was alive, he would watch them in a pinch, but didn't remember to change diapers, so that had its own set of challenges. Eleven years ago, when we moved closer to (my) home, we had visions of help with the (only two, at the time) kids. Never happened.

 

I'm grateful for kids getting older & being able to watch themselves or babysit each other for limited amounts of time so I can get out ... if only to the grocery store without all of them with me.

[fairfarmhand]

 

Also, there isn't a substitute for deeper, more intimate extended relative relationships.  You can be a happy, contented person without them, but that doesn't negate their value.  Too many people don't factor that in at all either.  Again, it's not the only factor, but it's important assuming the relatives aren't toxic people.

 

.

I don't know about that.

 

There are personality differences in our extended families that would make these relationships much more difficult if we lived local. It's not that those people are evil or unhealthy, but their quirks are so frustrating to our family and so counter to the way that we live our lives that without a doubt, there would be harsh words exchanged even with both parties trying to make it work. Then there would be alienation because of hurt feelings.

 

I don't think that living close to extended family is necessarily the best thing for every situation. So much depends on everyone having good boundaries and being able too keep their nose in their own business. In some cases, mine in particular, the distance allows people to enjoy one another's company on a limited basis before the quirks rub you raw.

 

[AndyJoy]

We've been trying for years to move back near my parents and finally succeeded! They're a little over an hour away. I'm thinking about asking my mom to watch the kids for 3-5 days this summer so I can have my own "teacher in-service" time. I don't know if I can leave DD overnight by then, but my mom would probably be willing to stay here and take them out and about.

 

I also have a new boardie friend whose kids mesh awesome with mine. We're looking forward to swapping babysitting for dates.

[TammyS]

My in-laws moved back near us over 10 years ago.  (went from 7hrs away to 45 min)  We were really excited because we thought the kids would get to have a relationship with them and it would be great all the way around.  Nope.  They are just not interested.  I don't know why.  We aren't estranged, they aren't toxic, there is no bad blood.  They just don't care.  They haven't seen the kids (the only grandkids they have or ever will have) in over 2 years and they have never asked to.  Anytime we see them, it's because we call and ask to come (they've never seen our new house at all and expressed no interest in seeing it) to them.  Over the years, I've gotten less and less interested in calling up to request an audience (which is what it feels like).  Contact has dwindled to almost nothing.  My dh calls on holidays.  Sometime they answer the phone and talk, other times he gets the machine (in which case there is never a call back).  They don't send cards or presents for the kids (and believe me, they could afford it, money is definitely not the issue) anymore.  That stopped several years ago, for no apparent reason. 

 

My four year old doesn't really even know who they are.  And my 16 year old is rather puzzled about why we don't see them (and I think suspects something is off, but is too polite to say).  I'm hurt and rather angry at the whole thing (especially since I never had extended family and really wanted that for my kids).

 

So, I dunno.  Extended family is a weird thing. 

[SarahW]

I understand there are times when a move away from extended relatives is necessary.

 

However,  I would caution people against moving away from extended family support (assuming you don't have toxic relatives) for a "better" job, a dream job, a "better" location or a dream location if you have children in the home. I have had 4 generations of extended relatives on both sides when my kids were little.  It's a very valuable thing to be able to encourage a relationship with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents while mom gets a break. I've been on 6 weeks of bedrest with baby #2 while I had a toddler. I've also taken care of dying grandparents and have a 44 year old SIL with stage 4 terminal cancer who has 2 kids (10 and 13.) If she didn't have a network of relatives on her side and her husband's side I have no idea how they would manage getting the level of help they need on a weekly basis. I have literally driven from one hospital visiting my step-dad down the freeway for 15 minutes to another hospital visiting my FIL.  I know there are times you just can't stay near the relatives, but I think people who haven't been through needing support don't always think of it when they're considering moving  away.

 

 

This reminds me of the year I lived in Florida and through my church met quite a few retirees from "up north." When they first moved to Florida I'm sure it was great and positive. Then they got old, really old. They lost their sight, and couldn't drive. One partner got dementia, and the elderly partner had to do all the care. Where are their family??? Up north, states and states away. Their kids have jobs, and can't come that far. They're too frail to travel. They lived in paradise-land, sure, but most days they just sat at home and waited to die, all alone.

 

As far as I could tell, these were nice mentally-stable good people, not toxic in any way. It was sad. So sad.

[pehp]

Do you have the means to hire a babysitter once a week?  I hire a babysitter for four hours every friday afternoon. *Sometimes* I use it for planning (most of my major planning is done in the summer, and I don't do anything complex, so it only takes 20 mins a week on a FULL week-sometimes I just move through).  Usually I use it for accomplishing my creative endeavors, writing, and being alone.  It is so helpful.  

 

I have found that getting things done in tiny bits is the most effective way for me to function.  

 

I also recommend swapping childcare with a friend. I try to take a friend's four children once every three months for the entire day so she can just do anything she wants.  Two other friends and I are planning a little one-morning-a-week "preschool" for our combined 4 preschoolers--we just rotate through each week.  Sure, I still have my older child, but he is not the attention-lover his sister is, so it's helpful!  

 

My in-laws live very close and I would never leave my kids w/ them for a few days, although I love them dearly.   So, I try to come up with other ways to get the space I need to be a healthy human!!  Friends help!  Babysitters help! And I regularly get half a weekend day alone to just...be alone.  That helps tremendously as well.  

 

I haven't read the other replies, but OP how old are your little ones?  I think just sticking to the most basic cleaning and housekeeping schedule when the children are really little is so essential.  Don't stress over your house.  It will get easier!!!  

[KungFuPanda]

The other side of the coin:

 

DH and I moved across the country 30 years ago. We were young and fresh out of college. We grew up very quickly, learning how to live on our own in the cold, cruel world. We have never relied on our family to bail us out. We have a wonderful network of friends that I would truly say are more like family to us. We have gone through a lot over the past three decades - serious car accident, emergency surgeries, special needs child. You find and make your own support system where you are.

 

My siblings have all remained close to home and still rely on our elderly parents for everything. Flat tire? Call dad. Need a babysitter? Call mom. One of my siblings lives a lifestyle that they could neither afford financially or time-wise if they didn't have extensive help from our parents. This sibling has my parents, in poor healh, driving an hour back and forth on the interstate, babysitting their children and carpooling them to activities. Yes, my parents do enjoy it, but there are times that it is truly a hardship for them (recent surgeries had them both down, icy winter roads, etc) but they wouldn't dream of telling my sibling to find another taxi driver. This sibling has multiple college degrees, a professional job, yet still has a lot of growing up to do.

 

ETA: I should really say "our" siblings, not "my." My MIL still does laundry for one of her kids that lives local. (Said "kid" is 50-years-old, single, has their own house, works full-time.)

I get what you're saying. We have a similar situation. Moving 'back home' would be miserable for us. The time and effort we'd be 'required' to put in just isn't worth a few free hours of babysitting. I take care of a disabled child all day. I don't have the emotional energy to be constantly relied upon by my family. DH and I were both the oldest in large families. I was living on the opposite coast three months after I graduated high school. The family members that preach the importance of close families are the ones who ALWAYS need help. I'm not lazy, and I don't mind pitching in, but there is a level of co-dependency practiced in my family that just does not interest me.

[simplemom]

Nm

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sometimes even non-toxic family members can't help.  My mom is 90.  Even when dd was 3, my mom was 80 years old - not at an age when she could easily care for a child that age.  My in-laws have dementia and Alzheimers.  Their judgment has been impaired for years even though they were not toxic.