Surprise pregnancy at 40

[MotherGoose]

Please don't quote, will delete later.

 

I have two children, ages 8 and 5.  Dh and I decided to see what happens, not trying, not avoiding.  I thought it couldn't happen, then it did.  I'm about 5 weeks along.  I'm worried, emotional, etc.  I'll be 58 when this child finishes school.  (I'll be 58 anyway, right?) How will I homeschool the others with this one?  There are other things I want to do in life.  What if something is wrong with this baby due to my age?  Dh doesn't understand why I'm nothing but super happy about this whole thing:  If he was a woman he'd be the one telling everyone she met about the pregnancy, inviting people to feel the baby kick, have a steady stream of visitors in and have his mom move in with him for 6 months.  He'd have a crowd of people in the delivery room.  He'd love an excuse to get fat.  He'd love the attention.  I would rather hide in my house till the whole thing was over.  I do not want people touching me.  I love being a mom, loved every stage of my children's lives, but I DO NOT love the pregnancy and all the drama of getting into a new routine.  I do not love having every one feel free to tell me what to eat, what do to, that I shouldn't do this and I should do this, that breast is best, that HEY!  it's a great plan to give a mom who's just had major surgery (I've had 2 c-sections already and this will also be c-section) total responsibility for a newborn because moms and babies must stay in the same room at the hospital or they will surely not bond.  With my last two I formula fed and they stayed in the nursery at night and I SLEPT and recovered from surgery.  (And they are both smart, physically and emotionally healthy).  I've heard rumors that the hospitals will now not allow such horrid things because mom and baby need to bond.  I used to work in social work and saw children with attachment problems, and I assure you, those problems did not occur because mom didn't breast feed or room in with baby.  They happened because of gross abuse and neglect.  

 

I don't want to tell people about this IRL because it's so early on, so I'm asking for your positive stories about pregnancy at 40.  Please tell me it will be okay, and that having very mixed feelings about this whole thing is all right. 

[displace]

No stories but I had to say congrats and I'm thinking only healthy thoughts and well wishes!!!!!

 

ETA -- we would love to have another but it's very unlikely to happen, I'm in my late 30s with loads of past pregnancy and fertility issues. I would be scared too if we actually had another miracle and probably a bad wreck. I do hope all is okay but I think your concerns are normal. It may help you to focus on positives. risks of genetic problems increase with age of mom but are not definite by any means.

[marbel]

I had my first baby at 41 and my 2nd at 42 (almost 43).  Normal pregnancies and outcomes with both kids.  I will be 61 when my younger is finished homeschooling. 

 

I wouldn't have planned my life this way.  I didn't intend to be an "older mom."   But I sure am happy to have these young people in my life.

 

BTW my daughter (who has never been afraid to tell me the truth) says I seem much younger than other women my age, with older (grown) kids.  So there's that! 

 

Best wishes to you and yours.

[wapiti]

Congrats and good luck!

[Guest]

I do not know why you would use the gamble method if you had not sorted out the possible outcomes.

 

That said, I know of many 40+ pregnancies in which everything worked out fine.

[MotherGoose]

The gamble method was because we really weren't sure either way and decided to put it in divine hands.  I'm not UNhappy about it, more like a bit freaked out and emotional.  I wanted another one, but couldn't quite work up the nerve to TRY to have another one.  KWIM?  

[brehon]

I had surprise #6 at 41 and he's a healthy, happy, active (Lord, is that boy active!) 2 year old now. I was, well shocked is probably too mild a word for what I felt, um, ambivalent for most of the pregnancy. I was much, MUCH more tired with the last pregnancy.

 

The hospital I use allows the mother to choose without guilt or pressure whether to nurse or not and whether to have baby sleep in or not. You know your little one will be fine using formula. I'm like you - I prefer to hide my pregnancies for as long as possible and not talk about babies, pregnancy, have people touch me, etc.

 

It will be OK and having mixed feelings about the whole thing is fine. :)

[MomtoCandJ]

When I delivered dd2 last year, there really wasn't a nursery (though I'm sure the nurses wouldn't have an issue looking after your little one) I did breast feed dd2 though (I'm one of those that say try it if you want, if not that's ok too as long as baby is getting one of the two)

[Tsuga]

I know bunches of people who were born to 40-year-old moms, formula fed, and who slept in a bassinet. C-sections are hard but I know more than one person who's had three. Frankly, 'round here, 40 is not that old for a mom. Good luck. You guys will be fine!!! :D

[clementine]

Congratulations!  You can do this!   :grouphug:

[Barb_]

I had my last at 39. I napped a lot and my blood pressure was a little wonkier but outside of that I was healthier than a horse. Baby born at home after 2.5 hours of labor. Congratulations!'

[Gil]

I'm neither 40 nor female, but as the King of Mixed-Feelings, I wish you well. For my kids, breast feeding wasn't an option, they did fine on a bottle. They missed plenty of time with their parents during the first year or two of their life--and are doing just fine.

 

You'll have to find what routine works for you--or not--and take it one hour at a time. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[ikslo]

Congratulations!

 

Relax.  It's the pregnancy hormones talking. 

And last I checked there is no law stating that you have to enjoy the pregnancy period. 

As for being too old?  Too late to be worrying about that, dear.  :) You'll have to just let that one go. 

 

 

[cjzimmer1]

My #6 was a bit of surprise.  I was 39 when he was born.  No problems at all other than very short labor (1.25 hours total).  We thought we were done with 5 but number 6 has been so much fun, I'm trying to convince DH we need a 7th.  I'll be 42 in a few months.  I'm not really worried about age at all. I've had 2 c-sections and 4vbacs.  My doctor said her only concern was that I should be prepared to have baby at home based on my very short (and getting shorter) labors.  If she thinks its okay for a 42 or 43 to have a home birth after 2 c-sections, I'm thinking you are probably just fine.  I know lots of people people who have babies in their 40's.  It's really not that old/uncommon any more.

[Laurie4b]

Ds # 3 was born at 40. Ds #4 was born at 42. Easy peasy pregnancies and deliveries. Ds #3  has some LD's but we were able to overcome those. I would not ever have thought that it was due to my age at pregnancy, but I guess it could be. He's doing well in an alternative public high school that is on a community college campus so that he can do dual enrollment and get college credits in high school.    Ds #4 is Mr. Practically Perfect in Every Way. (Like Mary Poppins, but a guy. ;) ) My sons are 18 and 16 now. You will adjust with this one just like you adjusted with your other ones. ( I remember with each one thinking, "HOW will I go to the grocery store?" You adjust and it becomes routine. )  I worked part-time from the time # 4 was age 3 and homeschooled. You can do it!

[albeto.]

I married the surprise baby at this age. His mom relished every moment of it and speaks very fondly of this adventure. My husband was very happy with the arrangement as well. So am I.

 

:)

[umsami]

DS3 was born when I was 42.  He was not expected.  Heck, having four kids was not expected as I didn't get married until 34.  To make it even more fun, we didn't have health insurance and pre-Obamacare, we couldn't get it for love or money.  Finally got in the third trimester, but prior to that, I was advanced maternal age, diabetic, and pregnant.  Luckily, my endocrinologist and a direct entry midwife worked together to help me.  

 

I am now 46 and DS3 is 4 and in pre-K.  He's been a delightful little guy right from the start.  The other kids adore him to pieces.  I can't imagine our life without him, although I remember panicking a bit my first trimester.  

 

[Hope44]

 

Surprise pregnancy at 42 here and delivered at 43.  I never liked being pregnant.  Was upset because I had a twenty-one year old, eighteen year old, eleven year old, and six year old.  We thought our family was complete.  The pregnancy was scary (because, heck after 35, they think it's their job to scare you).  I was sick.  I was tired.  I was gender disappointed. But, oh. my. gosh.  When that little boy was placed into my arms, I never knew how much joy could come in such a little package.  So here we are doing all the preschool things again.  He's keeping us young, I tell ya.  He's also been great birth control for the older kids so they could see how much work is involved in a baby and expense.  He was a very easy baby and I could NOT imagine one day without him in our lives.  

 

Go ahead.  Your thinking of the life that was going to be is ok.  But just know, what lies ahead is WAY BETTER than what you had been planning.  

 

If I could change one thing, I wish I could go back and just enjoy that last pregnancy.  I really do:)

 

Edited because OP asked not to be quoted and I missed that part because I lack any brain power after 1 pm.

Edited March 2, 2015 by Hope44

[NorthwestMom]

My mom was 42 when she had me. She was a great mom and I would much, much rather have had my older mother than any other younger mother. :)

 

When I had my kids, my DH was able to stay in the room overnight to care for the baby while I recovered. Perhaps that will work for you?

 

Keep your boundaries and do not let anyone shame you into doing things you don't want to do. If you are a warm and loving mother it really won't matter if the baby slept in your room or not.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: and  :party:

[BigMamaBird]

Modern medicine is a wonderful thing!  Your doctors and/or midwives will keep a good eye on you.  And your two kids will love having a little one around and your baby will benefit from a wise, mature mother who isn't easily swayed by every parenting magazine to show up on her doorstep.  

 

Just an story.  My Grandma was one of five girls and then a bonus baby boy showed up years later.  Now, all the siblings are in their 80s and 90s.  The brother is still in very good health and takes his sisters to the beauty parlor, DMV, doctors appointments, out to lunch and such.  He cares for them and their relationships are so sweet.  So baby can have older siblings to watch out for them while they're young and then they can be there for the olders in later life.  

[scoutingmom]

Congrats.   My 6yo was born when I was 40, and my 4yo was born when I was 42 - no problems.

 

I agree it is probably mostly the hormones talking - and if you don't enjoy pregnancies, I could see not looking forward to the process.  But you will enjoy the baby.

 

Take what time you need to get used to the idea.

[Lawyer&Mom]

I totally understand the frustration with the mandatory baby in room rule.

 

I didn't mind it so much at the time, but I also had no freaking idea how exhausted and anemic I was going to be a few days later. (It was a difficult c-section and I lost a lot of blood). In retrospect it might have been a really brilliant idea to let me get a few nights sleep to recover. But my hospital didn't even have a nursery! In room or else!

[El...]

Congratulations!  I understand to some extent; my last pregnancy was sort of painful (but birth was easy), and I'd feel a little apprehensive to do all that again.  However, if it helps, anxious is DEFINITELY part of the pregnant hormonal swing!  Perfectly normal.  Best wishes!!

[Okra]

It's okay to have mixed feelings.  Really.  I understand them.  Once that baby is born you won't have mixed feelings anymore.

 

And, you can stand your ground on recovering from a c-section and formula feeding.  It is okay to know what you what in these areas.

 

Lastly, Congratulations!

[Hope44]

DOH!  Just saw where she asked not to quote and look what I did?  Will try to fix!  Sorry!

 

[matrips]

I had triplets at 39. I worked until the week before they were born and they were all home within 8-10 days ( and only because I begged them to keep them a few extra days), small but healthy. They did get to stay in the nicu though while I got to rest at night.

 

My sister was born when my mom was 42 and all was well.

[SeaConquest]

I got pregnant with my second (and last) two weeks before my husband was scheduled for a vasectomy. We thought that we were one and done, so it was a huge shock to both of us. I was 38, and now have an 18 month old at 40. To say that this child really wanted to be born would be an understatement -- he is the most determined kid I've ever met! I had a 31-hour vaginal birth with my first and a 36-hour birth with my second that ended in a c-section. Suffice to say, I was not a happy camper about the experience. At all.

 

My advice is to have your doctor order a Maternit-21 test at 10 weeks gestation. You are AMA, so insurance is likely to cover it. Knowing so early on that my child was healthy (and a boy -- bonus, you get to know the sex well before anyone else!) helped to put my mind at ease. That peace of mind is totally worth it, IMO. The pregnancy itself was harder. I had gestational diabetes with my first, and it was more difficult to manage with my second, and the delivery obviously sucked big time, but ultimately, both baby and I were/are fine.   

 

Best wishes to you for a happy and healthy 9 months and beyond.

[Ali in OR]

The gamble method was because we really weren't sure either way and decided to put it in divine hands.  

 

I worry easily and was often a mess during my last pregnancy. I was "only" 36 but that was still considered advanced maternal age and my first is severely disabled so I had a slightly higher chance of having something like that happen again. Like you, I did not like comments from others and ultrasounds in particular were a source of great stress and worry to me as they were looking for birth defects; they were not for finding out gender to have a big "gender reveal" party with family and friends later (that seems to be the thing now according to my facebook feed). I simply didn't tell people I was pregnant until it was obvious. My family knew, but not the people I saw around town all of the time.

 

I'm quoting you simply because the end of your quote was the best way for me to cope--it was all in God's hands. I'm not saying this was easy--I hand to remind myself each day--but I was able to have some peace knowing that He was in control (not me) and whatever challenges came along, He would also give me the strength to go through them. Though that pregnancy was hardest (many naps, back pain, difficulty walking and breathing toward the end), the birth was the easiest of my three, the baby and I were fine, and I'm blessed to be this child's mom (as well as mom to my other two).

[MotherGoose]

Thank you to everyone for the support!! I really need it. I have been to a gender reveal party and I thought it was quite bizarre...not something I'd ever to but more power to the parents to be if that's what they want.

[Cinder]

My youngest was born when I was 39 but just weeks before I turned 40. My older two were 10 and 6 at the time. It was actually an easier transition for me as I didn't have another little one to take care of.And I was more confident as a mom. I had no health issues besides first trimester morning sickness; no health issues for baby either. I'll admit I was a bit depressed when I first found out I was pregnant and didn't really get excited about her until I was about 4-5 months along. She's 10 now and has added such a new dimension to our family. We're all engineer-brained except for dd who has an artsy flair. Really, it would be quite boring here without her. :D

 

Congrats to you and your family!

 

 

[Danestress]

I don't blame you. Pregnancy can be a difficult time. I didn't like the attention either, and despises how women wanted to talk about their own deliveries. I Never was really tolerant of conversations another's mucus plug or cervix, lol.

 

I will say, though, that no one ever asked to touch my stomach. Maybe my epic frown lines worked to my advantage, making me look too threatening:) Make a list of 'shut down the conversation" lines now for all the unwanted advice. As soon as it starts say something like, "I have it covered, but thanks" and move on.

 

This baby will be a blessing. My older sister and I were 8 and 6 when our baby sister was born. I can't imagine my life without her. She has been a joy, comfort, and inspiration to me for 41 years, and I am sure glad my parents decided to have her. And with a father who is so enthusiastic, you have a wonderful advantage!

[Calm37]

I am that 58 yo woman! My two youngest will graduate this year. I spent an hour this morning listening to my 16yo talk about her stories and perhaps how to get into script writing. 

 

You know, I don't see anyone my age any happier than me. I tire out much more quickly than with my first two, but, hey, they are glad to be alive and I love them.

 

[Katy]

Awww, you wanted another one and you got one even though you were too afraid to really try.  That's great news!  It's going to be great, and soon you'll chalk all this up to the hormonal emotions of pregnancy.

[Rebecca]

I love this thread!! Congratulations OP! You will sort it all out. My two beloved brothers were born when my mom was 39 and 41. I can't imagine my life without them and I am so incredibly thankful for them.

 

I just want to say again - I love the stories and advice offered in this thread!

[BlsdMama]

Our most recent sweet pea was born a couple months before I hit 38. It required I rested more and are better after birth and took it easy longer to REALLY feel myself again.

 

But wow! What a phenomenal baby. He is the sweetest little guy in the whole world. I'd do it all again for him.

[momto10blessings]

I know a lot of people who had a baby at or after 40. Everything went well for them and the baby ended up being a huge blessing for each one.

 

Congrats to you and your family!

[LMV]

:grouphug: and congratulations!

 

We're expecting another baby this summer, and this will be my third "AMA" pregnancy.  [Although to be fair both DD5 and DD2 were born before I turned 40 and that is a bigger break point than 35 which defines advanced maternal age.] I won't say that this pregnancy was planned but I will say that this child will be loved and cherished.  I think the best advice I could give you is to find a good OB that you really trust.  Statistically outcomes do decline for both mom and babies when pregnancy occurs after age 35 but in reality there are many other equally significant (and even more significant) factors that influence and impact outcome. So if you're healthy, optimizing nutrition, and minimizing toxin/teratogen exposure it is very likely that you and your baby will both have a good outcome and you shouldn't consider your age alone an insurmountable obstacle.

[maize]

Congratulations :) And hugs. Pregnancy is not fun for me either.

 

I wouldn't worry about rooming in at the hospital, nurses still understand about moms needing to recover, they will take care of the baby as much as you choose.

[Starr]

All these things will work out, one step at a time. Each pregnancy is new and anxiety raises its ugly head.  :grouphug:  Congratulations! 

[Seasider]

Our oops baby is the joy of our lives and has so enriched our family, none of us can imagine life without her.

 

You will tire more easily. There will be challenges. There will be split logistics because different aged kids do different sorts of things. But it will work. The relationships between the big kids and the "baby" are priceless. As a mom, you will learn to work smarter, not necessarily work harder.

 

Take your vitamins. Take a nap. Buy some comfy walking shoes and a new water bottle. Take care of yourself. You will be stretched, but the blessings will far outweigh every challenge. Really.

[Susan in TN]

My youngest was born when I was 39. She is the overall healthiest child I have. Yes, I will be old when she is in college, but not *that* old. (My own mom is 75 and works as an RN in a nursing home!)

 

Give yourself time. After a while, the uncertainty will turn to hope and purpose.

[73349]

Congrats!

 

My *closest* sibling is almost nine years younger than I am. The surprise baby was born when mom was 45 (I was already grown and married). Everybody was fine.

 

You don't have to be all :party:  right this minute. You have months to plan how you want to handle the challenges ahead. This time next year, your li'l bundle of squee will be making it all worthwhile.

[cjzimmer1]

Well I just saw this on my Facebook feed.  Having kids after 40 isn't all bad

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/26/women-give-birth-later-live-longer_n_5533714.html

[Reefgazer]

Congratulations, you lucky mom!  I had my DS at 42, and yes, I did worried about birth defects because of my age.  But the odds are with you, so cross that bridge when you come to it.  I will be 60 when DS graduates from high school, and I think it will probably not feel much different than it does now.  Likewise, homeschooling; cross that bridge when you come to it. 

 

As far as people telling you what to do, you're a homeschooler!  You know all about passing the bean dip, right?  If you are not happy with how the hospital treats you, check yourself out and go home and do your thing.  If you want to formula feed and the hospital won't cooperate, have DH bring in the formula or find another hospital that respects your decisions.

[Confuzzled]

I had our "bonus baby" when I was 38, ten years after my previous child's birth. I was fine. She was fine. She is the light of our middle-aged life!

 

Kris

 

 

[Alicia64]

I had my twins at 38, but I turned 39 in 3 months. I'm 50 now w/ two 11 year olds.

 

Totally do-able. It's so nice to be older: a little more money, more patience, (hopefully) more wisdom. Certain things just don't stress me like they would have when I was 25 or even 30.

 

I also know a ton of people who had healthy babies in their 40's.

 

Good luck -- I'm envious!!

 

Alley

[PineFarmMom]

I had my youngest when I was 3 months from 40. I'd do it again, any day!!! My biggest regret is that I didn't have another one about 2 years later. Congratulations!!! Children are a blessing from The Lord!!!!

[gardenmom5]

I'm still stuck on the you have an 8yo and a 5yo and you think that's a big gap . . . .

 

it isn't.  not by a long shot.

 

 

try 22 years . . . . . dudeling was born the year 1dd graduated from college.  my youngest was 12 1/2.  (he's enjoying NOT being the youngest anymore btw.)    the kids all have a great relationship. they take it in stride when strangers think they're the parent.  rarely even notice anymore.

and now that 1dd has bought her own house - dudeling likes to go on sleepovers.

 

btw - dh was 57 when dudeling was born.   he thinks it's hysterical to be mistaken for grandpa - and being able to correct them that he's the dad.

 

eta: I had pneumonia  (aspirated something), so I was more concerned with those drugs than my age. 

[Melissa in Australia]

The gamble method was because we really weren't sure either way and decided to put it in divine hands.  I'm not UNhappy about it, more like a bit freaked out and emotional.  I wanted another one, but couldn't quite work up the nerve to TRY to have another one.  KWIM?  

sorry I Do not get this. the gamble method is trying to get pregnant . I mean if you  don't do anything to prevent pregnancy then there is a vey good chance it will happen.

 

 

Congratulations.

[Guest]

sorry I Do not get this. the gamble method is trying to get pregnant . I mean if you don't do anything to prevent pregnancy then there is a vey good chance it will happen.

 

 

Congratulations.

I was going to say this, but I didn't want to brow-beat her. I mean, I get it still feels surprising, but unless you no longer have a uterus or something similar, not preventing is still accepting the probability that biology will work, especially since it apparently already has previously.