Giving up on groups, etc.

[Ballroom]

 

 

Can someone please explain group dynamics to me? I just feel like we never fit in. We are always the new ones. Kids might initially be friendly, but then quickly dissolve back into their established friend zones. I've had long periods were we stop trying. I pray about it. I think this is an idol in my heart for sure. I want my kids to find sweet friends. The look on their faces when other kids show them interest, makes me so happy for them. It just seems like we can't ever find the sweet new kids looking for friends too. Everyone has got their people.

 

I just would love some shared experiences. Grown homeschool kids.. How did they turn out? Maybe God just wants them to be close friends with their siblings? I have two girls and a boy. This is totally rambling, but it's a tired subject for me. We are normal! And fun! Why is it soo hard?

 

I was an 80's public school kid, and I swear I never felt that making friends was this hard. Thanks for listening.

[JBJones]

You're not alone. We've tried for five full years now and it's exhausting. I've got an only child so it's extra hard. My DD just celebrated another birthday with no one to invite. I don't know why it is so hard, but it really makes your heart hurt after awhile.

There are virtually no other homeschoolers here in our area and the public schoolers are incredibly mean. There are no coops, no homeschool support groups, no parent support groups, etc. We are secular homeschoolers so that makes it tough as well. We must have bad luck as we have encountered so many rotten kids/parents.  After so many negative encounters, we have given up on trying to find any friendly public school kids and there are no homeschoolers so.....................It's been very tough. DD has also been burned many times, so she's not even the same child she was five years ago. She craves friends so we continue to hope.

I've tried to start a group six times over the last five years with no luck of any kind.  I wish I had the answer. Feel free to vent.

(I did want to clarify our situation. We've put ourselves out there with no luck. We have since left the area and are now driving to another town (25 miles away) for activities. It is what it is.)

[Ellie]

Can someone please explain group dynamics to me? I just feel like we never fit in. We are always the new ones. Kids might initially be friendly, but then quickly dissolve back into their established friend zones. I've had long periods were we stop trying. I pray about it. I think this is an idol in my heart for sure. I want my kids to find sweet friends. The look on their faces when other kids show them interest, makes me so happy for them. It just seems like we can't ever find the sweet new kids looking for friends too. Everyone has got their people.

 

I just would love some shared experiences. Grown homeschool kids.. How did they turn out? Maybe God just wants them to be close friends with their siblings? I have two girls and a boy. This is totally rambling, but it's a tired subject for me. We are normal! And fun! Why is it soo hard?

 

I was an 80's public school kid, and I swear I never felt that making friends was this hard. Thanks for listening.

 

Believe me when I tell you that it isn't only homeschooled dc who have trouble making friends. I moved every two years--five elementary schools, three junior highs, four high schools, in four different states--so there were no long-term BFFs for me, either. :-)

 

One of my dds has only one homeschooled friend from her childhood, and none from church, but she has made many friends as an adult.

 

One of my dds doesn't have any homeschooled friends, although she is still friends with some she knew from church, but she also has made friends as adults.

[Joyoustxmama]

I would be willing to guess you understand group dynamics just fine. It's just...hard.... to make new friends, when you don't have a set group to plug into, like a class in a public school.

 

We have moved 3 times since ds1 was born (he's 6). My others are babies (one a toddler, one baking!) and we live in the country with only a few neighbors, none of whom have kids the ages of mine. I have no family or ties here. It's REALLY hard to break in. Even if you are nice. Even if others are. People are so busy, and making new friends is time consuming. It's a slow, long process I am still working on after living here (our -hopefully- last big move) for 2 years now. I am just finally barely beginning to chip the ice, as is my very lonely oldest son. I feel your pain. There's nothing wrong with you; talking to moms who do "regular" school, that's one of the biggest means of meeting other moms with kids your children's ages. my sister and her kids (Prek, 1st and 4th) have more friends than she knows what to do with, but she said she had almost none at all until her oldest began ps in 1st grade.

 

If this is important to you and your dc, don't give up hope. please keep praying (I don't think its wrong to want friends! I believe God made us social creatures :)). keep being kind and reaching out; I'm sure you will eventually gel with others in a more permanent way. Go to moms night outs if available with a homeschool group (if your area has one), so they will know you better. (And you can also feel out who you and your family might best gel with). Have one of the families you or your kids meet and like over for a casual outdoor BBQ. Gosh I hate to think the other newer hs'ing moms in any given area might give up, because I'm lonely, too, and counting on eventually finding them.

[reign]

It's hard for us too. It does feel like everyone already has close friends. I do try but honestly I'm not terribly outgoing. My kids are close in age so that helps. You're not in michigan by chance? Lol

[Ballroom]

Thanks everyone! My main heartache about it is that we have tried little groups here and there over the years. My kids might start feeling accepted, and then something happens. One of the little girls stops talking to my eldest ( 9 yrs) and the whole dynamic changes. Why the crap did she do that? I have no clue? Do I talk to the Mom?? I don't feel totally comfortable about it because we are still fairly new! Kids are fickle, but I feel like my kids love their little new friends they make, and often that affection is not reciprocated. I try to look at it openly...are my kids doing Something? Maybe trying too hard?

[Ellie]

Thanks everyone! My main heartache about it is that we have tried little groups here and there over the years. My kids might start feeling accepted, and then something happens. One of the little girls stops talking to my eldest ( 9 yrs) and the whole dynamic changes. Why the crap did she do that? I have no clue? Do I talk to the Mom?? I don't feel totally comfortable about it because we are still fairly new! Kids are fickle, but I feel like my kids love their little new friends they make, and often that affection is not reciprocated. I try to look at it openly...are my kids doing Something? Maybe trying too hard?

 

Without knowing you or your dc or the exact circumstances :-) I wonder if it could be that y'all are trying too hard. Sometimes it works better if we think about our lives as about, you know, us, and not whether we have friends or not. Of course we all want friends, but sometimes if we just do the activity for its own sake, not because we hope to make friends, we are less likely to be weirded out because one little person turns into a snot; we just move on and keep enjoying the activity, because the activity is the goal, not the friends.

[desertflower]

No words of wisdom just that you are not alone.

[desertflower]

It's hard for us too. It does feel like everyone already has close friends. I do try but honestly I'm not terribly outgoing. My kids are close in age so that helps. You're not in michigan by chance? Lol

We actually lived in MI for a little while (2012?). We went to Impression 5 a lot. Did you go there too?

[IsabelC]

Would it maybe be easier to focus on finding just one family to be friends with and then expand the circle to include more families, rather than trying to "break into" existing groups?

 

I think making friends as a home schooled kid, or as a home educating family, is way harder than making friends at school. I am pretty rubbish at social skills, yet I always managed to have some friends at school. When you see the same people almost every day for years on end, it's unlikely to never make friends with any of them. Also home edders tend to do things as families. At school, I had my friends, my brother had his friends, and my parents had their friends. All different friends. Whereas now we expect to have families where we're friends with the parents and all the kids are friends. Also, home edders do tend to be people with strong convictions and independent ways, so maybe it's easier to rub us up the wrong way as a group?

[rainbird2]

Many hugs to you...I feel your pain.  I have always been an outsider, and it's hard.  :( 

 

Have you thought about having your DD join in extracurricular activities to form friendships?  My dd's ballet friends are all really close.  Maybe an American Heritage Girls group?  Does she play an instrument?  Could she join an ensemble?  Choir? 

 

Know that your children are forming friendships with each other, and that friendship is lifelong.  What's the saying?  Friends come and go, but family is forever.  Isn't it nice that they get to spend this time together developing strong bonds?

 

I'm praying for you.  Loneliness is so hard. 

[EndOfOrdinary]

I know that I had to directly talk to my son about how to not push the other kids to like him. The same situation was happening that initially everything was fine and then Bam! weirdness and he was out. We had a very specific discussion about flowing with the crowd (within limits). He had to actually practice. Now, he has it down. He has a group of friends and he is slowly learning to share himself. Previously he would push too hard, overshare, and quickly become the wierd kid.

 

I did not realize it was happening until I asked him to tell me exactly everything he remembered. When he went through it play by play, it became obvious. It was nothing I ever considered. I was public schooled after attending Catholic boarding school. By the time I was in a place to have active friends, the kinks had directly been worked out. Ds never got any of the skills many other kids learned earlier.

[Gratia271]

The best scenario for my outlier children is non-academic groups. In the early years, oldest DD attended a coop for one or two classes.  The adult women were intimidated by this sweet girl, and my oldest DD is genuinely sweet.  Adults were mean to a six year old girl.... ???????  Oldest figured out pretty quickly that the treatment she received was about their hang-ups and really had nothing directly to do with her so much as how she made them feel about their kids. Toxic stuff for a child to deal with.  

 

In our experience, there is an acceptable range of quirkiness, achievement, etc.. outside which the group conformity issue kicks in.  The more someone stands out, the more problematic it can be. Fortunately, our kids don't care about "fitting" in.    What they have done in groups, particularly the oldest, is focus on the other people.  They understand that in the group context it is about them giving to others and relating to others where they are; it's not about them.  They are nurtured and loved for who they are by their people... the people who really "get" them.  They don't expect that from outsiders.

[wintermom]

My dc and I have found it easier to make close friends when we get together with one family at a time. We meet at a park or at one of our homes. We've usually initially met at a homeschooling activity, noticed our children were around the same age and seem to be getting along well, then arranged another get together. The most common barrier has been that we are geographically too far away to make regular get togethers frequent, or either family is too busy with other activities and doesn't have time to get together outside of these.

 

Good luck! I know it isn't easy. It's taken a long time for us to develop the relationships we have.

[SereneHome]

I told my husband that one of the reasons I got married is that I didn't want to date anymore.

 

Now I am dating all over again, only I am dating as  a group with 3 other people!!!  So......first you have to find a family with the kids of similar ages.  I don't run into many families that had 3 kids in 3 years.  So, that's obstacle 1.

 

Then if you do find a family with kids of similar ages, you want to have it that all the kids like each other or it's harder to get together.  Obstacle 2.

 

Then there is a "distance" thing - not everyone wants to drive around too far.  Obstacle 3.

 

Then you have to coordinate the schedules.  You would think homeschoolers are more flexible... but nope, there are co-ops and classes and scouts and lord knows what else.  Obstacle 4

 

And even if all that falls into place - moms have to get along too, bc it's not that easy to spend 2-3 hrs with someone you don't like, not to mention if that person thinks that you are parenting all wrong.  Obstacle 5.

 

Can it be done?  Sure.  But OMG it is exhausting!!!!!

[Space station]

I also understand what you are feeling. I have one daughter with a core group of friends that she has kept from early elementary school, but ironically she is the one that doesn't seem to crave social time. She has not made any additional friends with homeschoolers. My older daughter craves social outlets, but she has not been able to maintain friends from her public school years and has also not made friends with homeschoolers. She has tons of acquaintances with other kids through her many activities (skating, dance, skit group, church activities). They all seem to enjoy each other in the activity, but none of it have translated to friendships that extend outside the activity. She is fairly content, but sometimes it makes me sad that she doesn't have someone to call up and go to a movie with or something. I think that part of the trouble for us in connecting to the homeschoolers in our area is that we are not "Christian" enough for most of them (ie. not young earth creationists). While they associate with us in activities, they don't see us as good enough for close friends. It has made my girls incredibly close with each other. They truly are best friends, which is a huge blessing. I don't have any solutions, but you are not alone!

[LucyStoner]

When you meet people what are you doing to follow up or foster a possible friendship?

 

My husband waited to be asked by others. I usually initiated casual invites or get togethers which then people reciprocated. He felt he didn't have many friends (despite being one of the most charming and likable people around). I felt I had (and have) plenty of friends. You don't want to do too much but make an effort beyond just showing up for established events.

[MotherGoose]

Hi

I sympathize.  This is something with which I have struggled my entire life.  I have found that success entails stepping WAY out of my comfort zone.  I am an introvert, and was really very shy for most of my childhood.  Many days or evenings I'm happy being at home.  However, eventually, and especially once I had children, I realized that it was up to me to make sure they had friends.  We live out in the country with no neighbors that have kids.  Here's what I've done:

Joined groups, even though I didn't always want to, and attended meetings regularly, even though I didn't always want to.

Made sure we are in a church with many kids, even when it meant changing churches.

Talked to other moms in group settings, even when I didn't want to, and had a stock of non-threatening small talk ready.

Invited people over for playdates and dinners, even when I didn't really want 5 extra kids in my house and felt anxious about serving a meal.

Participated in extra-curriculars, and hung around and talked to the moms

Help(ed) my children learn how to talk to other kids, break into groups, etc. 

Participated in coops, even when I didn't want to.

Scheduled park days, lunch dates, mom's nights out, even when I wished someone else would just do the planning.

Invited people back even if they didn't reciprocate (if we hit it off and it seemed like everyone had a good time).

Took over leadership of a homeschool group so it didn't die (I especially didn't want to do this!)

 

What I have learned: 

 

Most people have the same insecurities I do (unless they are the born popular sort)

Most people wait around for someone else to do the inviting

Homeschool moms, and moms in general, have a high "flake out" factor that has nothing to do with you personally.  Kids get sick, babies fuss, disasters happen, people forget.  It's not about you, reschedule and they will (eventually) come

I schedule things that if no one shows, it won't be a huge deal.  Park days, lunches, etc.  We can still play at the park or go to lunch even if no one else shows

Talk to people, and go to things--seeing someone repeatedly is necessary.

Making friends as an adult and making sure your kids have friends is WORK
 

Sometimes I wish I was a tennis-playing, soccer mom who sent the kids off to the neighborhood public school every morning, lunched with my tennis partners, and lived on a street with loads of kids within walking distance--or at least friends from school close by.  But that's not me (and I hate tennis!)  Being a homeschooler is counter-cultural, but there are plenty of like-minded folks.  The homeschool group is all on Facebook, so there's no cost, and if you know a couple of people who homeschool, word will spread.  It's easy to start a group.  Even if you hate FB or are concerned about privacy, you can do it with an offshoot of your real name and not put up personal info/pictures and you can get the benefits without everyone you've ever known searching you out.

 

Hugs to you!!

 

ETA this will all take time, lots of time, and there will be failures.  Every time you are outside the house talking to people, you're making progress :)

 

[Ballroom]

Thank you for all this great advise and empathy! I do have a nagging feeling that my eldest kid is trying a little hard, and kids are picking up on it. How to go about talking to her about this I don't know? How do I not make her feel bad? She probably senses/knows that I am sad when I see kids withdrawal from her..so already she's learned how much I value this! I hate that! I wish I would be more upbeat about it. Hey if no one wants to be friendly that's okay! Just love The Lord- I need to love this more for my kids :(. I don't want them to turn into insecure people pleasers.

[SereneHome]

So, we had a playdate today.  My oldest met a boy in his lego class and they hit it off.  Thankfully, the boy's mom didn't wait for ME and initiated the contact and we got together.

 

We agreed on the time and place.  I picked a place - a library.  The one that all my kids like to go to.  It has games, legos, train table, computer.

 

I thought we were all set!

 

Guess what??  My DS2 and DS3 kept whining that they didn't have anyone (translation: DS1) to play with and weren't having a good time. 

 

But I had a good time with the mom and DS1 had a good time with his friend.  50/50 success rate. 

 

This is hard hard hard!!!!

[Ballroom]

So, we had a playdate today. My oldest met a boy in his lego class and they hit it off. Thankfully, the boy's mom didn't wait for ME and initiated the contact and we got together.

 

We agreed on the time and place. I picked a place - a library. The one that all my kids like to go to. It has games, legos, train table, computer.

 

I thought we were all set!

 

Guess what?? My DS2 and DS3 kept whining that they didn't have anyone (translation: DS1) to play with and weren't having a good time.

 

But I had a good time with the mom and DS1 had a good time with his friend. 50/50 success rate.

 

This is hard hard hard!!!!

 

 

That is funny! It always seems to work this way for us. One friend had a sweet daughter that my girl enjoyed, and then her son declared that she didn't like my son anymore...and lo and behold, she stopped hanging out with us!? Geesh.

[MotherGoose]

So, we had a playdate today.  My oldest met a boy in his lego class and they hit it off.  Thankfully, the boy's mom didn't wait for ME and initiated the contact and we got together.

 

We agreed on the time and place.  I picked a place - a library.  The one that all my kids like to go to.  It has games, legos, train table, computer.

 

I thought we were all set!

 

Guess what??  My DS2 and DS3 kept whining that they didn't have anyone (translation: DS1) to play with and weren't having a good time. 

 

But I had a good time with the mom and DS1 had a good time with his friend.  50/50 success rate. 

 

This is hard hard hard!!!!

It really is hard!  So when are you planning to invite her and her kids to something?  ;) 

[Sahamamama]

We're not the most socially connected people on the planet, either, so take this with a grain of salt. One thing we've done has been to commit to groups based on interest, rather than who is there. That is to say, we decide first what interests us (outside the home), and then try to plug into a group that is doing what we also want to do, rather than try to find people who are "like us." Trying to align with "like-minded" people in terms of values and personalities seems to lead to nowhere, but sharing a common interest or commitment to a group activity seems to be yielding better results.

 

Even though as a mother I certainly want my children to know what it is to have and be friends with their peers, it seems to work out better in the long run when our focus remains on the interest, rather than "making friends." For example, this past September all three of the girls joined local children's choirs. The twins are in the younger choir (4-8 year olds) and my firstborn is in the older choir (9-15 year olds). They have made friendships and acquaintances through this activity, and as many of these kids are connected either to other local churches and/or homeschool groups, we see them out and about at other events. I still try to keep our focus with choir on BEING IN THE CHOIR -- the responsibility to the group, to practice at home, to get to rehearsals and concerts on time, to know the music and bells, to respect the director, and so on. This seems to center us all emotionally, myself included. I had this idea in the beginning that the other moms and I would sit around and chat and form friendships, but relationship just isn't what they are there for. They are there to have their children in the choir, period. With the older group, they drop their kids off and go to Walmart. Maybe that's the only time all week that they get to shop without the kids in tow, I don't know. We say "hi" and "have a nice week." They write down my phone number and say they will call, but don't. Everyone is very busy, for real, I understand that. It works out better for all of us emotionally to keep the focus on being in the choir.

 

For the most part, the same holds true at church, though I do feel a bit differently about that. There, I would like to feel and be more connected, but it's a big church and we're new(ish). It's going to take time. Well, I'm not going anywhere. I do think that my children feel (and are) more connected than my husband and I are, but they are involved at church on Wednesday nights, and we've just dropped them off and gone to Walmart. :lol: It's my only time all week! I just walk around, buy a bag of bunny bedding, and look at calicoes in the fabric aisle. Boring and lonely, but for some reason I can't give up my time to myself in order to join a small group. Ridiculous, isn't it? I don't feel connected to anyone in a small group (of strangers), and I just end up feeling drained. One-on-one is the only social situation that recharges me. If it's a toss-up between a group or being alone, I'll choose being alone almost every time.

 

I think that if our children are secure within themselves, that if we convey to them how lovable and sweet and likable they are, then over time, the people who are meant to be their friends will befriend them. My oldest (nearly 10) just got invited to a birthday party by a girl her age (almost 9) at church. This girl's mom was my daughter's leader, and said how wonderful Crash is, her daughter just adores my daughter, could she please come? That was out of the blue. I'm thankful. It's a part of childhood, to go to birthday parties, right? It was nice to feel normal enough to be invited. ;)

 

I don't know that any lifelong friendships will form through these venues, but you never know. We don't need it to so much that we'll be groping for it, you know? I think that kids these days just seem to connect through "happenings," anyway -- church events, activities, parties, sports, and so on. It might be different in the suburbs or cities, but on this country road there's no sense of neighborhood, just houses and fields. So kids "go" to "things," and meet each other there. I don't know how kids have a "best friend" that way, at least in childhood. Perhaps later, as teens or young adults? Not there yet. Time will tell.

 

[SereneHome]

It really is hard!  So when are you planning to invite her and her kids to something?   ;)

 

See, she only has one kid, so now I have to think of activities that will REALLY entertain my DS2 and my DS3, bc evidently a place full of toys, books and games wasn't cutting it  LOL

 

I might wait another "meet up" or two and just invite her to my house. 

[MotherGoose]

"We say "hi" and "have a nice week." They write down my phone number and say they will call, but don't. Everyone is very busy, for real, I understand that. It works out better for all of us emotionally to keep the focus on being in the choir." 

So you must call them.  Everyone is busy.  But if you get them on the phone and they act like they are interested, invite them.  Or invite a group of people.  It may take multiple invites.  You may need to make more of the effort than they make.  It doesn't mean that they are sitting at home with 5 friends not worrying about you; it may mean that they really wish they could find the time to invite you over but can't manage it.  If you can manage the time, then you do the inviting.  Don't worry about reciprocation at this point.  Try to invite a group of people so you don't seem like a stalker :)    Then even if many of the people back out, you may still have an attendee.  Be honest.

[MotherGoose]

See, she only has one kid, so now I have to think of activities that will REALLY entertain my DS2 and my DS3, bc evidently a place full of toys, books and games wasn't cutting it  LOL

 

I might wait another "meet up" or two and just invite her to my house. 

An older kid, right?  I would have no problem telling the two olders to mind the youngers at least for awhile.  Send everyone outside to run around for awhile.  Olders make sure the youngers don't die.  If that becomes an issue, have an activitiy the youngers can do alone (and threaten them that if they dont' stop the screaming they can take a nap ;)

[Hunter]

Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread.

 

My boys are 26 and 28. They made friends when they went out to work and got their licenses. Going out to work fixes almost everything that homeschoolers worry about.

 

Just be a family for now. If you were a family following your missionary/scientist husband to some god-forsaken outpost, you would just be a family. Yes, you are surrounded by people, but, so what?

 

Homeschool groups can be weird, unnatural, and artificial. And very very cliquey.  And did I say, weird? :lol:

 

Hunker down and enjoy this time. It'll be over before you know it, and you'll wonder why you worried so much.

[kiwik]

One child can have a friend to play while the others just do their normal things. I think aiming for a family with a kid for each of yours where everyone gets on is a bit much.

[KSinNS]

Love the dating reference. I figured when I was dating I had to meet about 50 guys to find a decent date, and only one of those was worth hanging on to. 

 

Same with making friends. I figure you have to meet lots of people to make a few friends. We've had better luck with activities over homeschool social groups, I think partly because it takes time (a long time) to get to know a group of people especially for my kids, who tend to be shy. I do tend to take the initiative as well, and invite people over. We don't worry too much about the perfect age match-hardly anyone has 5 kids around here, but when kids come over, there's always someone to play with. 

[Half-Elven]

.

[Sahamamama]

"We say "hi" and "have a nice week." They write down my phone number and say they will call, but don't. Everyone is very busy, for real, I understand that. It works out better for all of us emotionally to keep the focus on being in the choir." 

So you must call them.  Everyone is busy.  But if you get them on the phone and they act like they are interested, invite them.  Or invite a group of people.  It may take multiple invites.  You may need to make more of the effort than they make.  It doesn't mean that they are sitting at home with 5 friends not worrying about you; it may mean that they really wish they could find the time to invite you over but can't manage it.  If you can manage the time, then you do the inviting.  Don't worry about reciprocation at this point.  Try to invite a group of people so you don't seem like a stalker :)    Then even if many of the people back out, you may still have an attendee.  Be honest.

 

But it doesn't matter to me. I'm not asking for phone numbers and saying I'll call, it's the other way around. If I wanted to make more of an effort, I would. I don't have any more time than other people, and that's why I'm not asking for phone numbers and promising to call when I know I won't.

[IsabelC]

One child can have a friend to play while the others just do their normal things. I think aiming for a family with a kid for each of yours where everyone gets on is a bit much.

 

Yes, and even when you find such a family it doesn't always work out that way. We had a family with 'matching' kids come to play and Ms. 6 got on really well with the girl who was nearer Ms. 9's age, and wasn't interested in playing with the girl her age. 

[MotherGoose]

But it doesn't matter to me. I'm not asking for phone numbers and saying I'll call, it's the other way around. If I wanted to make more of an effort, I would. I don't have any more time than other people, and that's why I'm not asking for phone numbers and promising to call when I know I won't.

Sorry I missed what you were saying.

[Staceyshoe]

Would you say that your kids have interests or intensities that are a bit different from other kids?  I think that has really influenced my ds1's lack of friendship.  He gets along with kids, but he doesn't have much in common with them.  The pulls of conformity are very strong in our culture, and its reaches extend to the homeschooling community as well.  We may use handy phrases about valuing a child's individuality, etc, but sometimes our actions don't support those assertions.  If you find this is part of the struggle, feel free to message me.  I've *finally* found some solution that are making a big difference for us now.

[RoundAbout]

Honestly, this is one of the reasons we are doing public school this year. In our previous state the public schools were bad so there were a lot of academic homeschoolers we could find and relate to. Here, just the opposite, and homeschool groups were very cliquey and insular. It became a part time job just to try and meet and arrange simple play dates and it was exhausting for me and really felt my son needed the experience of feeling part of a group. We are very fortunate to be in an excellent school with other bright, quirky kids though. I would not have made the leap if the academics hadn't been there, and will return to homeschooling in middle school, or if we move.

[...................]

I have been homeschooling for 9 years now and I can tell you that we have definitely had our seasons of loneliness.  I always had adult friends very close to our family but my kids did not always have friends. 

 

Here are some things I have learned....they really made a difference for us.

 

1.  People do not like scheduling things, or going too much out of their way.  So, the best way to make friends is to get into some "thing" that your kids regularly go to,( and then it still takes time.  People are social beings but we also are self preservationists.  People do not meet you twice and open their arms wide, usually.)  And I DON'T mean the once a month Park day at the homeschool group.  Examples that work better are something weekly: Scouts, AHG Girls, Girl Scouts, Classical Conversations, a big homeschool co-op or year rounds or nearly year round sports teams,  Moms Heart groups, weekly Bible studies with play time for kids, etc.  

 

2.  Some kids make friends easier than others. My daughter makes friends much easier  and likes having several friends so she has more friends.  My son not only has a hard time making friends but he prefers to have only a few friends.  He would prefer to be alone than to hang out with anyone but his best friend.  We had the same issue when we lived in our old state and I have come to accept it. I can push and push him to say hello, make conversation, and invite kids over...but he just isn't interested....He just isn't a social butterfly.  So, I spent more of my time and energy making time for the friends of my daughter.

 

3.  Even if you are involved in a weekly group of some kind, You have to reciprocate.  Invite people over, offer snacks, make your home a welcome and fun place to be, and keep on inviting.  People love to drop their kids off.  Others want to come and talk with you.  You have to figure out what that mom wants and then do it.  This requires time, forethought, and even money.  (having plenty of snacks on hand for all the kids!)  But still....this is the exception, and flows from an already built relationship.  Which is why the first point, of joining some weekly group, is essential.

 

Our society, unfortunately is very institutionalized, compartmentalized and over scheduled....so I really can't stress how important it is to join something where people already are.  They don't' have time to go out of their way to make new friends.  Go there every week. Volunteer, take part in it and be a big part of it. 

 

 

[Ballroom]

I have been homeschooling for 9 years now and I can tell you that we have definitely had our seasons of loneliness. I always had adult friends very close to our family but my kids did not always have friends.

 

Here are some things I have learned....they really made a difference for us.

 

1. People do not like scheduling things, or going too much out of their way. So, the best way to make friends is to get into some "thing" that your kids regularly go to,( and then it still takes time. People are social beings but we also are self preservationists. People do not meet you twice and open their arms wide, usually.) And I DON'T mean the once a month Park day at the homeschool group. Examples that work better are something weekly: Scouts, AHG Girls, Girl Scouts, Classical Conversations, a big homeschool co-op or year rounds or nearly year round sports teams, Moms Heart groups, weekly Bible studies with play time for kids, etc.

 

2. Some kids make friends easier than others. My daughter makes friends much easier and likes having several friends so she has more friends. My son not only has a hard time making friends but he prefers to have only a few friends. He would prefer to be alone than to hang out with anyone but his best friend. We had the same issue when we lived in our old state and I have come to accept it. I can push and push him to say hello, make conversation, and invite kids over...but he just isn't interested....He just isn't a social butterfly. So, I spent more of my time and energy making time for the friends of my daughter.

 

3. Even if you are involved in a weekly group of some kind, You have to reciprocate. Invite people over, offer snacks, make your home a welcome and fun place to be, and keep on inviting. People love to drop their kids off. Others want to come and talk with you. You have to figure out what that mom wants and then do it. This requires time, forethought, and even money. (having plenty of snacks on hand for all the kids!) But still....this is the exception, and flows from an already built relationship. Which is why the first point, of joining some weekly group, is essential.

 

Our society, unfortunately is very institutionalized, compartmentalized and over scheduled....so I really can't stress how important it is to join something where people already are. They don't' have time to go out of their way to make new friends. Go there every week. Volunteer, take part in it and be a big part of it.

 

Thank you. We have done these things though...to a burnt out level. I think my kids just don't find kids that are interested in them. I think my girls are quieter...more reserved, especially now. More guarded because they have been " burned" by other kids..nothing outright awful...just the subtle I'm done speaking to you variety. Of course that still hurts

[sbgrace]

Thank you posting this OP. It makes me feel less alone. We moved, and it's been so much harder than I expected. I hope knowing others watch their children struggle helps you.

[Χά�ων]

Nice to not be alone.

 

I gave up on homeschool groups. The academic minded homeschoolers were awesome, but as the kids aged and the interests and and age differences were too far.

 

The non academic homeschoolers were described above perfectly.

 

My son is involved in sports but that is a mixed bag. He learns fast and masters the skills easily. He leads the pack. But he has some significant medical issues that prevent him reaching his potential. He has done travel sports for years, but the parents.

 

Oi The parents! One mom who has a child pulled up to make a team acts like her kid is awesome and slams my son. I have shown great restraint in not asking why her kid is not farther ahead if is so great, given all my kids medical issues and physical limitations. She is testing my patience with the comments and crap.

[stupidusername]

I agree with what others have said. Finding quality friends is hard.

[MariaT]

I am so glad to read this thread. All the PPs seem much wiser than I was back when we started.

 

When we first started homeschooling, we joined an art class for homeschoolers, and I casually mentioned to my kids that maybe they would make some friends t here. The oldest said, "We'll go there to make art, but we don't want to make friends." It was at that point I realized that I could not make their friends for them. So I told them that I would put them in situations where they could meet other kids, but it was up to them to make their own friends. I realized I would not have wanted my mom to make my friends for me! But I still worry when they don't make as much of an effort as I would like them to make.

 

We also have focused on joining groups to focus on a specific activity. In the teen years I don't have to participate-- I get to stay home! which I love. They go out into the world. Still, it seems to get harder as my teens want to go deeper into their interests, and then they turn around and find that the other homeschoolers have no idea what they are talking about. Both my teens are finding that their 'friends' are adults they have met and befriended in their areas of interests. The oldest is an extrovert, and even he finds some times to be lonely. DS16, an introvert sometimes worries that he seems too weird to others.. DD12 is happy as a clam with her activities, and seems content to have no close friends. She does get annoyed when coop kids become exclusive and shut her out, so sometimes we talk strategy in dealing with that. Usually the best solution is to ignore it and focus on what she likes.

 

It is reassuring to read that this is only temporary. It helps ease the worrying.