Ok, I need some tips for eating self-control

[wintermom]

If you are planning on spending a lot more time with both sets of parents, then coming up with a different and open set of expectations for everyone (and you specifically) might be needed. It sounds like you have a caregiving goal, and the negative side-effects are that you have to sit for long periods of time and eat a lot differently than normal. So in the process of providing care to someone else, you become 'sick' yourself. That is not going to be helpful for anyone.

 

So set some specific things you can do, and things you can't do. For example:

 

- you can sit with your mom for a 2 hour period, then you need a break.

- you can eat out once a week. Any more times the others want to go eat out, you don't join them. You can get some exercise in then.

 

 

It might be really useful to research guidelines that hospice caregivers have and approach your role as 'caregiver' in a more professional way.

 

 

[creekland]

If you are planning on spending a lot more time with both sets of parents, then coming up with a different and open set of expectations for everyone (and you specifically) might be needed. It sounds like you have a caregiving goal, and the negative side-effects are that you have to sit for long periods of time and eat a lot differently than normal. So in the process of providing care to someone else, you become 'sick' yourself. That is not going to be helpful for anyone.

 

So set some specific things you can do, and things you can't do. For example:

 

- you can sit with you mom for a 2 hour stretch, then you need a break.

- you can eat out once a week. Any more times the others want to go eat out, you don't join them. You can get some exercise in then.

 

 

It might be really useful to research guidelines that hospice caregivers have and approach your role as 'caregiver' in a more professional way.

 

This is what I need to figure out, but not going with them is not an option.  They would definitely see it as lack of love and "family."  I'm not really just a caregiver for my MIL.  I like to think I'm family.  And with my own mom I'm not a caregiver - it's just family.  When I see my dad (they're divorced) it's always at restaurants, but I don't see him often enough to count.

 

At home I naturally lose weight so I don't really feel the need to change anything there.  What sets it back are the trips - and generally the trips specifically with family.  When it was just the holidays a couple of times per year it was no big deal.  Now that it's monthly (or significantly more), it will be a big deal (pun intended) if I don't change things.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I worked at one for my second non-family job. In some parts of the country they're called Souplantation. Quite good, but most of the fare is extremely carb heavy and beware the dressings on the cold salads. That tuna salad is to die for. It is also loaded with sugar.

 

Yeah that is another thing with salads in restaurants.  A lot of people order that thinking they are getting something healthy and saving on calories.  But if you look at the nutrition breakdown and calories on some of those things it's right up there with some of the junkiest things they sell.

[Joanne]

This is what I need to figure out, but not going with them is not an option.  They would definitely see it as lack of love and "family."  I'm not really just a caregiver for my MIL.  I like to think I'm family.  And with my own mom I'm not a caregiver - it's just family.  When I see my dad (they're divorced) it's always at restaurants, but I don't see him often enough to count.

 

At home I naturally lose weight so I don't really feel the need to change anything there.  What sets it back are the trips - and generally the trips specifically with family.  When it was just the holidays a couple of times per year it was no big deal.  Now that it's monthly (or significantly more), it will be a big deal (pun intended) if I don't change things.

 

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you need more self control.

 

It sounds like you need boundaries and the confidence to assert them and let the others hang with the feelings relating to the boundaries.

 

"MIL, leave my plate and eating alone."

"MIL, do not put food on my plate."

"MIL, do not comment on my food."

[wintermom]

This is what I need to figure out, but not going with them is not an option.  They would definitely see it as lack of love and "family."  I'm not really just a caregiver for my MIL.  I like to think I'm family.  And with my own mom I'm not a caregiver - it's just family.  When I see my dad (they're divorced) it's always at restaurants, but I don't see him often enough to count.

 

At home I naturally lose weight so I don't really feel the need to change anything there.  What sets it back are the trips - and generally the trips specifically with family.  When it was just the holidays a couple of times per year it was no big deal.  Now that it's monthly (or significantly more), it will be a big deal (pun intended) if I don't change things.

 

Of course you are family, and much more than a hired caregiver, but family often have trouble setting up open and reasonable expectations and boundries.

 

You may find that what naturally occurs as your visits become a lot more frequent is that you all get into a more level routine. Your fil won't need as much time away to rest, everyone will get tired and poor from eating out too much (and stop doing that so much), and you will have less issues with your own weight bouncing up after a visit.

[creekland]

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you need more self control.

 

It sounds like you need boundaries and the confidence to assert them and let the others hang with the feelings relating to the boundaries.

 

"MIL, leave my plate and eating alone."

"MIL, do not put food on my plate."

"MIL, do not comment on my food."

 

If my MIL were of sound mind, then this would work.  She actually never used to be this way (other than eating by the clock rather than hunger).  Her advanced stage of dementia makes it pointless to argue with her or to try to set boundaries.

 

We are already figuring out how to handle the food on plate bit - esp when it's half eaten.  Except for FIL (sometimes), we don't just eat it.  We try to get creative with hiding it - or at buffets - letting the waitress take it away, etc.

 

The self control "I" need is to be able to resist taking the good stuff - and way too much of it - at buffets.  At home I can do this because we simply don't go to these places.  When I'm there, it looks and smells good, so while I eat less than anyone else, it's still way too much - esp over and over with each meal... Each time I go in I resolve to not take too much.  The scale tells me I fail.  It's not uncommon to gain a pound per day once I check where I'm at back at home.  It's likely a combo of eating too much and quitting normal levels of exercise.  It's gone on this way for a few years now, but I've always just made up for it back at home.  Now that we are visiting more often, I've gone up 6 lbs since Oct.  That's more than 1 per month - way unsustainable - and more visits are on the way.

 

Going out less often is really unlikely.  Both parent groups have enough $$ to eat out for the rest of their lives.  My in-laws do this whether we are with them or not, mainly because my MIL uses glasses/plates, etc and returns them to her cupboards without washing them and my FIL doesn't cook much and doesn't want to be bothered.  The first thing we do when we are there is wash everything - usually hubby doing this while I'm distracting MIL.  For holidays and some meals when we're there either hubby or I cook for all of us, but that isn't the norm and they aren't "normal" meals for us.

 

I'm thinking starting with soup, eating slowly, and resolving to stick to veggies and salads - then making it stick meal in and meal out is what I need to try.  Then figuring out how to fit in some exercise rather than none (aside from walking to eat and back!).

[nevergiveup]

From what I have read, we have a limited supply of willpower.  Perhaps restaurants are where you run out of willpower?

Your signature says "The older I get, the less I care about what people think about me.  Therefore the older I get, the more I enjoy life."

If you believed this, you would be able to say 'no' when they wanted to go to a restaurant.

If you were an alcoholic no one would fault you for not wanting to go to a bar.

Saying 'no' to eating at a restaurant is something you are doing for your health.  So, I guess you need to decide what is more important:  pleasing others or doing what you think is best for you.

 

 

 

Submitted by a 53 year old who will has gotten to the point of caring less about what people think of her.......

[creekland]

From what I have read, we have a limited supply of willpower.  Perhaps restaurants are where you run out of willpower?

Your signature says "The older I get, the less I care about what people think about me.  Therefore the older I get, the more I enjoy life."

If you believed this, you would be able to say 'no' when they wanted to go to a restaurant.

If you were an alcoholic no one would fault you for not wanting to go to a bar.

Saying 'no' to eating at a restaurant is something you are doing for your health.  So, I guess you need to decide what is more important:  pleasing others or doing what you think is best for you.

 

 

 

Submitted by a 53 year old who will has gotten to the point of caring less about what people think of her.......

 

If these folks were just acquaintances, not going would be just fine.  They're family.  I love my family and to them, all of this is part of how they show their love.  I'm ok with that and don't care to try to force them into seeing differently.  I would rather work on my flaws (self-control being one).  It is definitely MY choice and how I see it.

 

At my in-laws a typical (eating) day starts with breakfast at McD's, lunch at a pizza buffet, and supper at a Ryan's/Golden Corral or Chinese buffet.  Absolutely no exercise happens (for me) - not even the basic just being on my feet all day.

 

When my mom visits (or we visit her) a typical day is breakfast at home, lunch at a buffet, then a light dinner at home.  Sometimes we eat out twice in one day, but not always.  I can convince her to do some walking - just not to our normal levels.

 

Then when we travel (away from home - motel stays, etc) all meals are eaten out if relatives are with us.  Whether exercise happens or not depends upon where we are.

 

Both travel away from home and to their homes will be increasing a bit this coming year.  I feel I NEED to get this self-control thing fixed.

[Jane in NC]

From what I have read, we have a limited supply of willpower.  Perhaps restaurants are where you run out of willpower?

Your signature says "The older I get, the less I care about what people think about me.  Therefore the older I get, the more I enjoy life."

If you believed this, you would be able to say 'no' when they wanted to go to a restaurant.

If you were an alcoholic no one would fault you for not wanting to go to a bar.

Saying 'no' to eating at a restaurant is something you are doing for your health.  So, I guess you need to decide what is more important:  pleasing others or doing what you think is best for you.

 

 

 

Submitted by a 53 year old who will has gotten to the point of caring less about what people think of her.......

 

I don't think that this is really a matter of "pleasing others" but participating within a family or a family culture.  Given the mother-in-law's dementia, Creekland is assisting her husband and father-in-law with caregiving by going to the buffet (her in-laws preferred type of restaurant).  Frankly I think this is admirable.

 

When my father was in decline, I spent hours sitting with him.  I would get up to fold the laundry, suggest we take a walk (which might be slow going when he used a walker), try to find ways to be active. When he took a nap, I went outside for a brisk walk--both for exercise and to clear my head. 

 

One other idea for Creekland:  when the weather is nice, perhaps your in-laws could go on a picnic to a county or state park?  They will only have to walk as far as a picnic table, but you and your husband can be a bit more active.

 

[creekland]

One other idea for Creekland:  when the weather is nice, perhaps your in-laws could go on a picnic to a county or state park?  They will only have to walk as far as a picnic table, but you and your husband can be a bit more active.

 

I love this idea, Jane!  We'll give it a try this spring.  Thanks for the suggestion!  I think it would be terrific for MIL to get out a little bit.

[Jane in NC]

I love this idea, Jane!  We'll give it a try this spring.  Thanks for the suggestion!  I think it would be terrific for MIL to get out a little bit.

 

When my parents became less mobile, they really enjoyed getting out to parks--whether for a picnic or to sit on a park bench and watch the world go by.

 

That could be part of the attraction of eating out.  They are getting out.  Do they enjoy country drives?  Not that this is helping with the buffet issue, but I wonder if boredom is part of the reason they do what they do.

 

[Pam in CT]

I don't think that this is really a matter of "pleasing others" but participating within a family or a family culture.  Given the mother-in-law's dementia, Creekland is assisting her husband and father-in-law with caregiving by going to the buffet (her in-laws preferred type of restaurant).  Frankly I think this is admirable.

 

 

:iagree:

 

As well, it seems that the situation with your in-laws is different from that with your mother.  With your mother, I'd just tell her you're watching your diet; if she likes to go out, great, just come up with some places to go where you can make reasonable choices.  (And avail of some of the pp ideas: drink only water or seltzer; do the take-out container with 1/2 the portion trick, etc)

 

It is trickier with the in-laws.  Maybe consider bringing in a Tupperware of your own food, and telling the restaurant you're on a restricted diet, and just getting a cup of coffee there?  And maybe asking your father-in-law to do at least some meals in an a la carte venue where the portions are finite?  And certainly, work on scraps of exercise that you can fit into scraps of caretaking time...

 

:grouphug:

[creekland]

When my parents became less mobile, they really enjoyed getting out to parks--whether for a picnic or to sit on a park bench and watch the world go by.

 

That could be part of the attraction of eating out.  They are getting out.  Do they enjoy country drives?  Not that this is helping with the buffet issue, but I wonder if boredom is part of the reason they do what they do.

 

 

My FIL still gets out often.  It's a bit scary how much he leaves MIL alone to be honest, but he needs the breaks.  His health is starting to deteriorate more, so we've no idea how much he'll be able to keep it up.  It's a major part of why we'll be visiting more often - that and empty nesting making it possible.

 

My MIL has other health issues making longer drives difficult.  They do own a cottage by a river they go to in good weather.  I definitely prefer being there as we can go out in the boat, etc.  It's not exercise, but it's a change in scenery.  It's sad seeing how much MIL's memory is deteriorating though.  I don't know that boredom can be part of her life anymore.  She has trouble remembering anything recent or past.  We'll even finish eating and 15 minutes later she'll ask if we ate yet or not - or if we're hungry!  :glare:

[Laura Corin]

Ok so in terms of calorie counting, what do you do if you are constantly starved?  This is a method that has never worked for me because of that.  I'd feel dizzy and like passing out.  The amount of food and the types of food I could eat on a calorie restricted diet would make my blood sugar crash. 

 

Not intending to hijack here, but I just am seriously wondering how people manage to go day after day feeling starved.

 

This might be "me" though.

 

I have a drink when I feel like that - hot tea (no sugar) works for me.  I don't know if I'm actually dehydrated, or whether the drink fools my brain into thinking that food is coming.

 

I also tend to eat whole grains, which release energy more slowly.

[hornblower]

I'm going to say one more thing - and this is as someone who is currently dealing with a fil with moderate dementia. You have to start applying a mental filter to what they say and ask. You have to be prepared that they won't like it. You can't appease them or do things out of politeness or out of family loyalty. Esp with this disease, the entire family benefits when there are clear headed people around willing to put strict non negotiable boundaries on things. Things like whether a care giver is hired, a cleaner comes in, where people go for meals etc. It is an awful and hard thing to to but it is imo necessary and just the beginning of many uncomfortable situations and lines in the sand ahead.

So i agree that this is a boundary issue and also a clear life leadership issue.

Several time you mentioned there's no point in arguing with mil b/e of her dementia. I agree. But that doesn't mean you do what she says. My fil makes completely inappropriate suggestions, wants to do all sorts of things. You prevaricate, ignore, postpones, delay, nod and ignore, nod and distract but you do not do it.

I think this relatively minor issue of your food and activity will be good training for the much harder issues that will continue to hit you with regard to elder care so this might be a place to almost train yourself....

Also, wrt to "caring what people think" issue and family - when it comes to food, the vast majority of us are eating with family. I've been vegetarian or vegan pretty much all my adult life. Pretty much all our families are omnis. Huge english dinners with roast and Yorkshire puddings were a regular thing in Dh's life when we got married.

In many ways, not caring what strangers think of you is the easy bit. With family, learning to be true to yourself and hopefully maintain a relationship (if desired) is the master class of life.

[msjones]

If my MIL were of sound mind, then this would work.  She actually never used to be this way (other than eating by the clock rather than hunger).  Her advanced stage of dementia makes it pointless to argue with her or to try to set boundaries.

 

We are already figuring out how to handle the food on plate bit - esp when it's half eaten.  Except for FIL (sometimes), we don't just eat it.  We try to get creative with hiding it - or at buffets - letting the waitress take it away, etc.

 

The self control "I" need is to be able to resist taking the good stuff - and way too much of it - at buffets.  At home I can do this because we simply don't go to these places.  When I'm there, it looks and smells good, so while I eat less than anyone else, it's still way too much - esp over and over with each meal... Each time I go in I resolve to not take too much.  The scale tells me I fail.  It's not uncommon to gain a pound per day once I check where I'm at back at home.  It's likely a combo of eating too much and quitting normal levels of exercise.  It's gone on this way for a few years now, but I've always just made up for it back at home.  Now that we are visiting more often, I've gone up 6 lbs since Oct.  That's more than 1 per month - way unsustainable - and more visits are on the way.

 

Going out less often is really unlikely.  Both parent groups have enough $$ to eat out for the rest of their lives.  My in-laws do this whether we are with them or not, mainly because my MIL uses glasses/plates, etc and returns them to her cupboards without washing them and my FIL doesn't cook much and doesn't want to be bothered.  The first thing we do when we are there is wash everything - usually hubby doing this while I'm distracting MIL.  For holidays and some meals when we're there either hubby or I cook for all of us, but that isn't the norm and they aren't "normal" meals for us.

 

I'm thinking starting with soup, eating slowly, and resolving to stick to veggies and salads - then making it stick meal in and meal out is what I need to try.  Then figuring out how to fit in some exercise rather than none (aside from walking to eat and back!).

I'm back to suggest you try a calorie counting app.  

 

You don't have to just eat veggies and salads.  You can have regular food that you really like.

 

 I really like my app -- it's so easy to use and helps me make reasonable decisions.

 

 I enjoy my treats much more knowing that they fit (at least approximately) into my daily calories.

 

 I know people think counting calories is a chore, but I find it very freeing!  No more guilt -- just an easy way to make better decisions.

 

 I realize ymmv, but I do think it's worth a try.  

[Annie G]

I would encourage you to keep a food log.  One you can easily go back and study. Look at your trends...see how your eating habits change when you are visiting parents and inlaws.   Oftentimes, when you WRITE something down, that encourages better choices because  you're going to see it.  I've used apps before but a plain old bullet journal works so much better for me because I can SEE what we have done. I can look back and see choices we made when on trips...some good, some bad.  Dh takes the journal to his cardiologist visits...it shows his exercise routine, food intake, etc. 

 

We don't track calories. We just write down everything we eat. 

 

Your inlaws eating out all the time isn't good for them, either. You and dh have to band together and insist that you are going to treat them to some home cooked meals.   Getting your dh on board with this could make all the difference- or is he not visiting with you?

[wendy not in HI]

Self control is such a funny thing.  Sometimes you have it, and sometimes you just don't!  I was very good all summer and early fall, but seemed to lose all self control around Thanksgiving.  I'm feeling good right now, and I hope I can keep it going.

 

I know that if I keep weightloss and healthy eating in the front of my mind, I do a better job at being careful what I eat.  I like to keep a diet or health book on my nightstand.  I don't generally follow any new fads, but reading about others seems to help keep me focused.  

 

One thing I have enjoyed reading are a series of articles over at the Bearing Blog about weightloss and hunger and will power.  I thought I'd link it here for you.  I can't seem to get a link for a specific article, but you can go to her side bar and click on the link "Chronological Index for Weighloss and Gluttony" or something like that.  

 

She reviewed a few books that I would like to read.  One is:  Willpower:  Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy Baumeister and John Tierney.  Here's what she says about it:

 

1. Resisting temptation is only one way we use willpower. Three others are

• controlling display of emotion or emotional outburst; 
• making decisions; 
• and performing physical tasks that require skill, e.g., balancing speed and accuracy.

2.  You have a limited supply of willpower. Repeated effort at any of the willpower-using activities depletes it.  After trying to control yourself for long enough, you lack the self-control to do any of them.  It becomes more difficult to restrain your displays of emotion, to think about decisions you have to make, to practice your skills, or -- yes -- to resist temptations and urges.

3.  It's trying to control yourself, not succeeding, that depletes willpower.   Even if you give in, you're left with less willpower to work with.

4. When your blood glucose levels drop, your willpower depletes faster.  

5. Accordingly, raising your blood sugar (i.e., by consuming food) restores your willpower supply.  The fastest way to do this is, of course, easily digestible carbohydrates, but protein and more-healthful, more-slowly digestible carbohydrates also work, albeit more slowly.

6. At low glucose and low willpower, your brain turns its effort to other things. It keeps working and consuming fuel at the same rate, but it gives up on the willpower-consuming activities.

7.  One of the things it turns to is trying to get you to raise your blood sugar. Hello, carb cravings!

 

(I don't know why that looks so odd.  Sorry!)

 

Anyway, when you get eating and self control all figured out, tell me your secret!

[Snickerdoodle]

Sounds like a lot of excuses to me.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

Sounds like a lot of excuses to me.  

 

LOL

 

I'm the queen of excuses.  Anyone need an excuse...ask me I'm sure I can find you some.

[Snickerdoodle]

I want to be healthy!!!       I just don't want to do anything about it bc the moon might fall into the ocean!

[Snickerdoodle]

Not very helpful, I know.  But we all need a kick in the pants sometimes.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

I want to be healthy!!!       I just don't want to do anything about it bc the moon might fall into the ocean!

 

Me either.  That sounds scary.

[creekland]

I'm going to say one more thing - and this is as someone who is currently dealing with a fil with moderate dementia. You have to start applying a mental filter to what they say and ask. You have to be prepared that they won't like it. You can't appease them or do things out of politeness or out of family loyalty. Esp with this disease, the entire family benefits when there are clear headed people around willing to out strict non negotiable boundaries on things. Things like whehet a care giver is hired, a cleaner comes in, where people go for meals etc. it is an awful and hard thing to to but it is imo necessary and just the beginning of many uncomfortable situations and lines in the sand ahead.

 

...

 

With family, learning to be true to yourself and hopefully maintain a relationship (if desired) is the master class of life.

 

We may just have to agree to disagree on this aspect.  I see absolutely no need to be mean to either of them.  I see the difference in how our servers react to MIL and those who are nice and understanding get my respect.  Those who are abrupt, etc, do not.  She may forget in a short period of time and not remember either, but she's still human.

 

NONE of what she says or does affects the rest of us long term.  We don't totally cater to her whims.  We nicely distract, etc, and all of her/our choices might not be in her best health interest (now), but she still gets to make them and at 84 years of age, she can do whatever she wants (more or less) and I'm ok with it (we did convince FIL she can't drive, but that's even a non-issue now as she wouldn't be able to).  

 

She was an amazing lady who raised my hubby once.  If she drew the short straw with having to deal with this, so be it.  I am not going to purposely do anything she doesn't like.  There are other ways of dealing with things.

 

If some of her health issues shorten her life, it is likely a blessing.  None of them are worth making the rest of her life more painful to insist on other things.

 

It may be a difference in how we see family.

[Annie G]

For all the people suggesting asking for a to-go container. 

 

I personally don't like them. So I bring my own. That way it's nicely packed for a lunch for Dh the next day, or at the very least nicely packed so it wouldn't leak. 

 

I also then don't have to deal with the container they have given me. Which usually means wash it, place it aside for special recycling that needs to be taken to the dump because they don't pick up styro-foam. Or it's a plastic container that can be reused, but it's low quality of course. ...

 

So I just bring my own container. 

 

I have two containers that I picked up at Bed, Bath, and Beyond just for this purpose. They are smallish, like 5 by 7 inches, but hold PLENTY for lunch.  I love having the food ready to heat back up. I keep both of these in an insulated bag in the trunk of our car, so it's there when we go out.  We don't eat out that often, but when we do, it's usually Mexican and if I don't pack half away, I WILL eat all of it. 

 

I also order/eat food partially based on what will reheat the next day.  For instance, when we have Mexican and my order comes with a lettuce/tomato/guac salad, I eat all of it then because the next day it won't be good.  That means I eat less of the chimichanga/rice/beans because they will reheat.   

 

Even with pizza, dh has started having me pack away a few slices for lunch the next day. We COULD eat all of what we order but we have worked hard to NOT do that. 

[creekland]

Your inlaws eating out all the time isn't good for them, either. You and dh have to band together and insist that you are going to treat them to some home cooked meals.   Getting your dh on board with this could make all the difference- or is he not visiting with you?

 

Hubby is along on every visit.  He helps FIL keep his sanity by joining him in his life.

 

Last time we went we took a bit of food.  We were able to make the Christmas breakfast, lunch, and dinner because few places were open Christmas Day, but all the rest of the food we ended up bringing home with us.  They prefer eating out most of the time and don't want me/us to have to "work" when we visit.

 

And "light" meals don't work for them.  They are too ingrained on bringing out everything when guests visit.  We need to set a full table.  We tried doing less a couple of times.  All it did was make FIL go to his freezer and pull more out from his stash that he keeps.  We want to add to his stash, not have him deplete it for us.

[SparklyUnicorn]

If I were old and demented, I think one of the few things I had to look forward to was food.  So saying someone in that category has to get all health conscious seems kinda...meh to me. 

 

 

[Annie G]

I totally get that they don't want you to work when you visit. My inlaws are like that, too. But dh stood firm with me and said we are cooking for OUR benefit. We were really cooking because they eat a poor diet and we wanted them to eat better.  It took several trips, but they eventually adjusted. As a matter of fact, last time I was there they let me make some items to put in their freezer- one of which was chicken noodle soup.  They recently called dh to tell him how much they enjoyed it and asked if it was ok to eat the other containers of soup in froze for them. This was HUGE progress. Huge. 

 

I really do understand that they are resistant to you cooking. But they won't change if you don't push it.  If they want to pull out additional food, that's actually better than eating out. So it's a start.  If they go out to eat but you stay home once, that is calories you saved and they can then choose whether people are more important than food. They eat out all the time...can they not give that up at least half the time you are there? 

 

Dealing with elderly parents can be frustrating. But you have to draw a line. You don't HAVE to go to a buffet once or twice a day to be a good daughter in law. 

[readwithem]

Creekland, you are a fabulous dil.  I like the suggestion to eat slowly, putting down your fork between bites, etc.  In fact I tried that last night as dh and I ate dinner so thanks to the pp who made that recommendation.

 

I think you have already won a big part of this battle, by recognizing the issue and wanting to be deliberate about it going forward. 

[readwithem]

If I were old and demented, I think one of the few things I had to look forward to was food.  So saying someone in that category has to get all health conscious seems kinda...meh to me. 

This is SO true.  Mealtimes at my mom's ALF are such a huge part of the social aspect, they start congregating in the dining room 30 minutes beforehand :P

[Anne in CA]

LOL

 

I'm the queen of excuses.  Anyone need an excuse...ask me I'm sure I can find you some.

You may be the queen, but I am certainly the princess of the rest, lol. When I was in high school everyone came to me for excuses to be late/ miss class that would be so sympathetic that teachers would not mark them down as absent/ late. I was amazing, lol. I should have charged money.

[creekland]

Creekland, you are a fabulous dil.  I like the suggestion to eat slowly, putting down your fork between bites, etc.  In fact I tried that last night as dh and I ate dinner so thanks to the pp who made that recommendation.

 

I think you have already won a big part of this battle, by recognizing the issue and wanting to be deliberate about it going forward. 

 

I am pretty determined that this is an issue "I" can change.  I just needed a few suggestions of options to try and will give them a go.  I see no need to change what they like (aside from the fact that we'll still try to cook a few meals when visiting).

 

And I'll keep losing weight when at home!

 

They likely don't have that many more laps of the sun to be with us, so this shouldn't be "forever."  Part of why we're visiting more is recognizing that and wanting hubby and FIL to have as much time together as reasonably possible (and time with my mom too).

 

I just don't want to end up as a tank at the end of it all if "I" can help it (and I think I can with a plan)!

[hornblower]

If I were old and demented, I think one of the few things I had to look forward to was food.  So saying someone in that category has to get all health conscious seems kinda...meh to me. 

 

I get this & it's great when you can do it but you can't always. 

 

My grandmother lived till I was in my 30s but she had no cognitive decline at all. Certainly we didn't argue with her about food. We encouraged her to enjoy her days & her activities. She lived a very full and active life right up to the end.

 

It's different with dementia.

 

Do you ignore  a person who forgets to eat & refuses to sit to a meal because they're sure they just had one?  (somehow, most people will intervene on this one but won't intervene on the flip side of someone who just had a meal & wants another one..., leading to gorging & overeating...)

 

Do you ignore it when a person has moldy food in their fridge and refuses to throw it out & tries to eat out of the container?

 

Do you ignore it when a person salts their food, salts again, and salts again, putting about a teaspoon of salt on their food & eats it, giving them dangerous blood pressure spikes?

 

This is the reality of many with dementia & it's the sort of thing I'm living with now with fil.  We can't just respectfully sit on our hands.  Dementia is not just forgetfulness. It can gradually become incapacity to make rational decisions with regard to well being and that's what I was trying to convey above - that someone has to be the sane one.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I get this & it's great when you can do it but you can't always. 

 

My grandmother lived till I was in my 30s but she had no cognitive decline at all. Certainly we didn't argue with her about food. We encouraged her to enjoy her days & her activities. She lived a very full and active life right up to the end.

 

It's different with dementia.

 

Do you ignore  a person who forgets to eat & refuses to sit to a meal because they're sure they just had one?  (somehow, most people will intervene on this one but won't intervene on the flip side of someone who just had a meal & wants another one..., leading to gorging & overeating...)

 

Do you ignore it when a person has moldy food in their fridge and refuses to throw it out & tries to eat out of the container?

 

Do you ignore it when a person salts their food, salts again, and salts again, putting about a teaspoon of salt on their food & eats it, giving them dangerous blood pressure spikes?

 

This is the reality of many with dementia & it's the sort of thing I'm living with now with fil.  We can't just respectfully sit on our hands.  Dementia is not just forgetfulness. It can gradually become incapacity to make rational decisions with regard to well being and that's what I was trying to convey above - that someone has to be the sane one.

 

Well like the salt thing that's easy enough to deal with and not quite the same and what I'm talking about.  I'm just talking about micromanaging food for a person like this.  I've known people who up until the end hawked on a love one about what they ate.  I remember my grandmother saying to her third husband while he was on his death bed that he couldn't have a cookie and my uncle telling her to let him have a damn cookie. 

 

I worked as a cook in an assisted living place as my practice for the culinary school.  The main focus was making the food taste good.  We didn't do special diets.  People wanted tasty food and that was the highlight of their day. 

 

[Elisabet1]

You should go to the doctor for a complete workup first. When I had trouble with overeating, I thought I could just fight it with self control. It never worked. Even when I took diet pills and reduced my calories to 500 a day or less, I still gained. I finally went to the endocrinologist and found out I had hypothyroid and low blood sugar. That was 20 yrs ago. Other than when pregnant or on fertility treatments, I have not gained since. I am 28.5 weeks pregnant now and weigh 10 pounds less than I did 20 yrs ago.

[creekland]

Is the buffet social time with their friends, or a way of getting variety and 'enough'?

 

Neither.  I think it's just convenient and when friends or family are around it also ensures there's something for everyone.  They go to the buffets on their own as well.  FIL still drives (and has a sound mind).

[SparklyUnicorn]

Neither.  I think it's just convenient and when friends or family are around it also ensures there's something for everyone.  They go to the buffets on their own as well.  FIL still drives (and has a sound mind).

 

I once took the kids to a local buffet for lunch.  It was just a spur of the moment whim.  On a school day.  The place was filled with older people.  I felt like I was in a nursing home.  Just saying, those places are very popular with older people.

[creekland]

It's different with dementia.

 

Do you ignore  a person who forgets to eat & refuses to sit to a meal because they're sure they just had one?  (somehow, most people will intervene on this one but won't intervene on the flip side of someone who just had a meal & wants another one..., leading to gorging & overeating...)

 

Do you ignore it when a person has moldy food in their fridge and refuses to throw it out & tries to eat out of the container?

 

Do you ignore it when a person salts their food, salts again, and salts again, putting about a teaspoon of salt on their food & eats it, giving them dangerous blood pressure spikes?

 

This is the reality of many with dementia & it's the sort of thing I'm living with now with fil.  We can't just respectfully sit on our hands.  Dementia is not just forgetfulness. It can gradually become incapacity to make rational decisions with regard to well being and that's what I was trying to convey above - that someone has to be the sane one.

 

FIL ensures nothing is moldy in the fridge and that there are appropriate snacks around MIL can get when she feels the need.  He doesn't keep up with her and dirty dishes/glasses, but on the other hand, that hasn't killed her yet or seemed to make her sick, so who knows if it's really all that important vs just disgusting.

 

She doesn't add anything dangerous to her food nor is she overweight.  She's lost weight through the years, but isn't dangerously thin either.

 

He/we can work around these things without being nasty to her - esp since she is so forgetful.  And perhaps the things she harps on vs what you are dealing with are different and easier to deal with in the first place.

[creekland]

You should go to the doctor for a complete workup first. When I had trouble with overeating, I thought I could just fight it with self control. It never worked. Even when I took diet pills and reduced my calories to 500 a day or less, I still gained. I finally went to the endocrinologist and found out I had hypothyroid and low blood sugar. That was 20 yrs ago. Other than when pregnant or on fertility treatments, I have not gained since. I am 28.5 weeks pregnant now and weigh 10 pounds less than I did 20 yrs ago.

 

A good suggestion, but my thyroid and blood sugar are measured 3x per year or so.  All (and others) are ok for the time being.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Completely unrelated, but I used to deliver newspapers to a senior housing complex (I was 12).  One woman gave me cookies every Thursday as my "tip".  They were always moldy. 

[Garga]

If your MIL has dementia and can't remember anything for more than a minute then get a plate of food and leave lots of bits of the food on it. A little bit of the fried rice, a little bit of the broccoli and chicken, etc. Whenever she looks at you, you look like you're still eating.

 

If she gives you more food, just let it sit there. She won't remember that she put it there and that you aren't touching it.

 

For the others, you'll just have to pick healthier choices at the buffet and fast food places. If they're flummoxed by what you choose and take it a little personally, then just ignore the subtext going on. Pretend you don't notice. And like Joanne said above, if they keep harping on it say, "Let's stop talking about what I'm eating."

[Random]

If my MIL were of sound mind, then this would work.  She actually never used to be this way (other than eating by the clock rather than hunger).  Her advanced stage of dementia makes it pointless to argue with her or to try to set boundaries.

 

We are already figuring out how to handle the food on plate bit - esp when it's half eaten.  Except for FIL (sometimes), we don't just eat it.  We try to get creative with hiding it - or at buffets - letting the waitress take it away, etc.

 

The self control "I" need is to be able to resist taking the good stuff - and way too much of it - at buffets.  At home I can do this because we simply don't go to these places.  When I'm there, it looks and smells good, so while I eat less than anyone else, it's still way too much - esp over and over with each meal... Each time I go in I resolve to not take too much.  The scale tells me I fail.  It's not uncommon to gain a pound per day once I check where I'm at back at home.  It's likely a combo of eating too much and quitting normal levels of exercise.  It's gone on this way for a few years now, but I've always just made up for it back at home.  Now that we are visiting more often, I've gone up 6 lbs since Oct.  That's more than 1 per month - way unsustainable - and more visits are on the way.

 

Going out less often is really unlikely.  Both parent groups have enough $$ to eat out for the rest of their lives.  My in-laws do this whether we are with them or not, mainly because my MIL uses glasses/plates, etc and returns them to her cupboards without washing them and my FIL doesn't cook much and doesn't want to be bothered.  The first thing we do when we are there is wash everything - usually hubby doing this while I'm distracting MIL.  For holidays and some meals when we're there either hubby or I cook for all of us, but that isn't the norm and they aren't "normal" meals for us.

 

I'm thinking starting with soup, eating slowly, and resolving to stick to veggies and salads - then making it stick meal in and meal out is what I need to try.  Then figuring out how to fit in some exercise rather than none (aside from walking to eat and back!).

 

My grandmother was similar when she was progressing on her Alzheimer's journey. 

 

I really like the idea of eating slower.

 

When MIL puts food on your plate, can you just thank her?  I  know it's really hard to leave food on your plate, but it sounds like that is your best option.  Thank her, but then don't eat it.  I try to imagine worms crawling on food I know I don't need to eat.  Or I can imagine I'll get food poisoning from it.

 

Would she believe you, if you said your doctor told you not to eat certain things?  My grandmother practically idolized doctors and 'specialists' and would be fine if I told her my doctor's recommendations contradicted her own.  She would, of course, need to be reminded about once every two minutes, but she would accept that I was acting differently than she thought was correct.

 

I understand wanting to be there to 'babysit' and not being able to do much else. :grouphug:  but, I think exercise would be good for all of you. 

 

I hope your children are as gracious with you as you are being with your parents and in-laws.

[gardenmom5]

'snack' on plain popcorn from a hot air popper.  (not microwave, and especially not popped in oil.) no toppings.  (I will sometimes do salt and butter - but no chemical 'fake' versions of flavorings.  I figure they're even worse.)  or have your favorite veggies around for snacking.  I adore pea pods . . . and grape tomatoes . . . veggies you wouldn't normally buy?

 

when you are with your mom, or mil and want to "exercise" - try chair yoga/ yoga for inflexible people and maybe if you do it with your mom, she might try?  

 

you do NOT have to go out to eat with them when they are at your house.   they want the excitement of going out, I doubt it is about the actual food for them.  maybe going out somewhere they can get the "stimulation" factor before mealtimes they would be willing to eat at home.

 

good luck.

[fraidycat]

I have nothing to offer except I keep reading the title as I need Q tips for eating self control and I keep thinking they're dry. Do you add sauce? :D

[creekland]

If your MIL has dementia and can't remember anything for more than a minute then get a plate of food and leave lots of bits of the food on it. A little bit of the fried rice, a little bit of the broccoli and chicken, etc. Whenever she looks at you, you look like you're still eating.

 

If she gives you more food, just let it sit there. She won't remember that she put it there and that you aren't touching it.

 

For the others, you'll just have to pick healthier choices at the buffet and fast food places. If they're flummoxed by what you choose and take it a little personally, then just ignore the subtext going on. Pretend you don't notice. And like Joanne said above, if they keep harping on it say, "Let's stop talking about what I'm eating."

 

I love the idea about having a separate plate!  I wonder if it will work or if she'll notice I'm not eating off of it.  Everyone around her would need one as she's an equal opportunity giver to anyone within reach, but if we can make it like a salad plate, it might work.  The big problem is she will notice that food isn't disappearing.  She was always a "clean your plate" lady and that has stuck with her.  At buffets this works out ok as most waitresses catch on (or know her) and will clear our plates quickly when we want them gone.

 

No one else comments on any of my food choices in a negative way.  Even MIL doesn't care about my choices.  She just cares that we have a full plate and eat throughout the meal.  I'm the one who needs to ditch the "treat" foods for their healthier options - and not overeat simply because it looks and smells good and there's that "need" to get our money's worth.  Once in a while wouldn't be an issue.  Too often will be.

[creekland]

My grandmother was similar when she was progressing on her Alzheimer's journey. 

 

I really like the idea of eating slower.

 

When MIL puts food on your plate, can you just thank her?  I  know it's really hard to leave food on your plate, but it sounds like that is your best option.  Thank her, but then don't eat it.  I try to imagine worms crawling on food I know I don't need to eat.  Or I can imagine I'll get food poisoning from it.

 

Would she believe you, if you said your doctor told you not to eat certain things?  My grandmother practically idolized doctors and 'specialists' and would be fine if I told her my doctor's recommendations contradicted her own.  She would, of course, need to be reminded about once every two minutes, but she would accept that I was acting differently than she thought was correct.

 

I understand wanting to be there to 'babysit' and not being able to do much else. :grouphug:  but, I think exercise would be good for all of you. 

 

I hope your children are as gracious with you as you are being with your parents and in-laws.

 

I wish multiquote would work!

 

MIL detests doctors and won't go to see them. They're all quacks, you know.  (Do NOT take that last statement as my opinion.) However, she seems to be ok with talk about them as my SIL is a physical therapist and we've been discussing things in her presence.  I've seen enough doctors over the past year - none have specifically mentioned foods, etc, but since Dr Hive has, I plan to see if it'll work - with some exercise as well.  Chances are the exercise will have to be tucked in secretively as she won't remember why I'm doing what I'm doing if I do anything in front of her and it will drive her batty.  Like your grandmother, she'd need to be reminded constantly at the very least.

 

For this last visit I was able to "save" youngest from getting that half eaten sausage & egg biscuit (with grape jelly added!) by mentioning to MIL that he doesn't like sausage biscuits.  She took it back (then wrapped it in napkins and put it in her purse).

 

We're still testing the waters a bit to see what works and doesn't.  FIL usually just eats (or drinks - she'll refill glasses with her drink too) what she gives him.  We're not quite that hardy unless it's something she had on her plate but didn't touch otherwise.

[creekland]

'snack' on plain popcorn from a hot air popper.  (not microwave, and especially not popped in oil.) no toppings.  (I will sometimes do salt and butter - but no chemical 'fake' versions of flavorings.  I figure they're even worse.)  or have your favorite veggies around for snacking.  I adore pea pods . . . and grape tomatoes . . . veggies you wouldn't normally buy?

 

when you are with your mom, or mil and want to "exercise" - try chair yoga/ yoga for inflexible people and maybe if you do it with your mom, she might try?  

 

you do NOT have to go out to eat with them when they are at your house.   they want the excitement of going out, I doubt it is about the actual food for them.  maybe going out somewhere they can get the "stimulation" factor before mealtimes they would be willing to eat at home.

 

good luck.

 

I'm fortunate that salt is ok for me.  Even with tons of salt from buffets, fast food, or adding it at home, my Na level is at the very bottom of the normal level.  When I went on a health kick a year ago I cut out most salt - and had horrific headaches/pressure issues.  I've no plans to cut it out (or down) again.  That experience was memorable.

 

Chair yoga - I'll have to google... my exercise has almost always been outdoors.

 

There's no way I'm staying home if everyone else is going out to eat.  I can either try to convince them to eat in or make better choices myself when out.

[creekland]

I have nothing to offer except I keep reading the title as I need Q tips for eating self control and I keep thinking they're dry. Do you add sauce? :D

 

Sure, everyone else is giving me thoughts to consider that might help - and you're the instigator suggesting sauce would make them taste better.   :lol:  Nuthin' like testing that self-control from the start!