Merry Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Hello, well, I have a daughter in law whom I am very fond of but sometimes I am uncertain as to what the best thing to do is. I never had a mother in law myself and also, I never had a miscarriage. She had one last night. This was her first time to be pregnant. She and my son live just a few miles away. So when my son texted me today the sad news, I suggested that I drop by briefly. He texted back that he and his wife would rather be alone today to process the loss. I understand that but I myself had suffered the loss of my husband not too long ago, and I was grateful when people from church and the neighborhood dropped by even if it was only for a few minutes. So I am thinking that I would bring some flowers and brownies and then just drop them off at the door. Would that be crossing any boundaries? It doesn't feel right to me that they should be sitting at home alone with no one else to comfort them but having a miscarriage is quite different from losing a spouse so I suppose the grieving process is different also? They do have each other which is different from my situation. Please give me advice so I can help them either by leaving them alone or what? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I'd give it a bit of time. If he asked you not to come then respect it. Some people don't like to be surrounded by people when they are upset. So sorry for her. That's must be so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I think showing her you care & giving her a hug will mean a great deal. Maybe not today since they specifically requested it. But in the upcoming days & weeks. It will affect her for awhile & her hormones will be wacky for awhile too, so know that the window for showing your care doesn't end tonight. She'll need & appreciate support for a bit.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 When I miscarried I would have appreciated a gesture like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Everyone's grieving process is different. I think it was wonderful for you to offer but I think you need to respect their wish to grieve alone at least for today. Perhaps another day would be a good one for brownies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Hard one. What if you wait a day or 2 and then stop by? That would give them a bit of time alone but then show your support. I had one very early miscarriage but we never told my mother or MIL as we hadn't told them we were expecting yet. Dh and I just dealt with it and moved on as that was easier than dealing with the family at that time..........but you sound more caring Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 If they asked for space, give them a day or two. I think it is a great idea to bring flowers and a basket of muffins and fruit for them maybe tomorrow or the next day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I am sorry for your families loss. Since they specifically requested that you not come today. Even though you are well intentioned I would not even go to the door. That would probably seem disrespectful to them. I would probably send flowers with a thinking/praying for you note. I would also send a text or email with a note saying how sorry you are and to please call if they needed anything at all. Then I would let them be for a little bit. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 But hey if needed we'll vouch you are a good MIL because you are thinking about this. I sometimes get mad at my MIL, but from her POV maybe she doesn't know me enough to know what I want/like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Since he said not to stop by, then no, you shouldn't stop by. You really don't want to start crossing requested boundaries so early in their marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joules Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I was one of those people that just wanted my dh for a while. That was what I really, really needed. If you feel like you need to do something now, go buy a card and drop it in the mail. They'll get it quickly and it will show that you are grieving with them, but she won't have that awkward, guilty feeling that you dropped stuff on the doorstep but weren't invited in. I found it really hard to accomodate everyone's need to comfort me while I needed to grieve, but then I score a 4 on the Introvert/Extrovert scale, so I may be extreme. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I was one of those people that just wanted my dh for a while. That was what I really, really needed. If you feel like you need to do something now, go buy a card and drop it in the mail. They'll get it quickly and it will show that you are grieving with them, but she won't have that awkward, guilty feeling that you dropped stuff on the doorstep but weren't invited in. I found it really hard to accomodate everyone's need to comfort me while I needed to grieve, but then I score a 4 on the Introvert/Extrovert scale, so I may be extreme. This is exactly what I thought I'd like. A card. Or something delivered from a service. I would feel funny that she was standing at my door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondeviolin Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 When I miscarried the first time, my mom just said, "I'm here if you want to talk." I didn't, but it was a nice gesture and I appreciated that she was willing. The more tokens and apologies were a reminder. For me, early term miscarriages often feel like the loss of a very hoped for eventuality, not necessarily the loss of a person. Each woman is different, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I vote no stopping by for now or even leaving something on the porch. Basically, the rule is, if she is like my mother, who processes through other people and shares without end, stop by. If she is like me, very introverted, don't stop by. I have had my fair share of issues in that department (not miscarriage specifically) and I would rather die than have my MIL or mother see me upset about it. It is deeply personal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lispy Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I vote no stopping by. Sending a card is nice. I think a simple text to her that says, "so sorry for your loss. Let me know if I can do anything" is fine. I don't think I'd call. When I miscarried, I didn't want to talk to anyone but dh. Receiving mail/email/text messages was ok. (I am also very much an introvert) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 My view is: honour their wishes. I wouldn't leave things at the door - def not today, and probably not even later. Just email or text saying I'm here if you want anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Some people need to be alone as much as others need to be around others. I'd send a note by mail, very short. Just a simple card, that you are so sorry for their loss and not to hesitate to call for anything. I wouldn't go unless she asked. In my case, I would take it as a lack of respect and boundaries and it would compound my grief. I know you want to help but sometimes distance and respect is the greatest help of all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 If my MIL had stopped by after we asked her to let us have time alone, even just to drop stuff off, I would have been seriously annoyed. I think waiting a day or two and then asking your DS if it would be a good time to drop off some brownies or whatever. Let him know that you understand they want some alone time and wouldn't stick around if they didn't want you to. When I had my miscarriage I didn't tell my MIL, but I did tell my mom. She wasn't supportive at all and it was hurtful. So I applaud that you are being supportive. I think that the best thing is to give them space, maybe send a nice card or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slojo Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Give it a few days. I would give them space, and then send a note or flowers if that is what would most honor the relationship (i.e., if it's common in your family to do this kind of goodwill gesture). I've miscarried three times -- I needed space, but I also needed little gestures without much fanfare. The only gestures that I didn't appreciate were the ones that told me "to get over it" (albeit it in "nice ways" - "you'll get pregnant again/have another baby" type comments), and maybe if people tried to force a conversation about it after I said I didn't want to talk about it. Staying away too long - if you would normally call or pop over also may not be helpful. By all means, if they directly say to stay away, honor it, but barring that, reach out based on your personality and relationship as long as you feel you can do so without expecting anything in particular from her. If would have felt equally odd if my family/friends who were "high touch/ reach out" type people did nothing to acknowledge it, even if I initially said to stay away. So if you are a reach out person, do it quietly and without a lot of fanfare, and definitely with no expectation that she needs to talk about it. That could be a card/no coming over, brownies and her favorite movie, or a "just stopping by" gesture with an already planned reason to leave (or stay, if she'd like that), depending on your relationship and what she's communicating a few days from now. I wouldn't want my family or friends to not be their authentic selves either -- that's weird. Give me a few days - then be yourself, as long as you're doing a reasonable job to keep "your needs (e.g., your need to know the details, your need to be my emotional anchor, etc)" in check. So if you are a flower giver, and would be a flower giver in parallel situations - do it, but don't go over the top. If you've never sent flowers/ baked brownies/whatever in your life - don't start now - that would be weird. She is hurting, hurting, hurting... but she will not break, and will come to appreciate most gestures (as long as they don't come with advice) -- the smaller the better, the less need to emotionally respond in kind, the better, but please be yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Definitely don't stop over when they've asked you not to. You could maybe send some flowers via a florist. And, maybe text your son and ask if they'd like a meal delivered tomorrow then have one delivered--but don't bring it by yourself. They'd likely feel they need to invite you in or entertain you when they just want to be alone. There's no such feeling about a delivery person. The best way to show your love at the moment is to honor their wishes. I'm sorry for their loss. I had a m/c and it was a nightmare. My mother's words were, "Well, God certainly knows what he's doing!" :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 You should stay away. Everyone grieves in their own way. It would be overstepping to tell them they should grieve how you grieved and go anyway. They want their space. Sorry for the loss of your grand baby! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 She may not be feeling well physically or emotionally, so I would give it a bit of time, esp, since they requested privacy. You sound like a loving MIL, though. She is lucky to have you! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I think having flowers or something delivered might be a good compromise -- they will know you care and are thinking about them but won't feel pressured to interact when they don't want to. You can both meet their need for space and time alone and fill your genuine desire to reach out and offer support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenaj Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 When I had a miscarriage years ago, I didn't want to see anyone. Mainly because I was so emotional that every time anyone expressed sympathy to me, I would breakdown completely. I needed time and space. I remember begging one of my best friends at the time (who also happened to be my pastor's daughter) to please tell her Dad not to call or come over because I just couldn't handle it. Give her space and follow your son's lead on this one. Maybe express your sympathy to him and through him to her rather than directly to her. If you really want to send the flowers have him stop by and pick up the flowers and brownies and take them home to her. Cards were easier for me to deal with than people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenNC Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 When I had my miscarriage (also a first pregnancy and very early), a friend (coworker of my husband) gave us an azalea that we could plant outside, which I found thoughtful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I have had a few miscarriages. They have all been difficult, but one of the most difficult experiences of my life was the loss of my first pregnancy. It didn't really matter what anyone said or did, everything just hurt. I had a friend give me a beautiful, simple, crystal candy dish. It had no specific connection to my loss, but it was sweet and I still have it on my counter 14 years later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I was one of those people that just wanted my dh for a while. That was what I really, really needed. If you feel like you need to do something now, go buy a card and drop it in the mail. They'll get it quickly and it will show that you are grieving with them, but she won't have that awkward, guilty feeling that you dropped stuff on the doorstep but weren't invited in. I found it really hard to accomodate everyone's need to comfort me while I needed to grieve, but then I score a 4 on the Introvert/Extrovert scale, so I may be extreme. I totally agree. I needed to be alone after my miscarriages. People trying to comfort me only made it worse (not to mention even well meaning people say really stupid/hurtful things). I would never be able to just sit and cry with someone around and yet that is what I needed to do to heal. My sister sent me flowers (delivered so I didn't have to see her at that point). I really appreciated the gesture. It came with a single rose which I was able to dry and save for years. It was really the only tangible remembrance I had so it was especially meaningful to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 You sound like a great MIL! But, I would respect their wishes and not stop by. People grieve very differently. I know some people who want to be surrounded by family and close friends, or pour their heart out on the phone. When I went through a devastating grief, I didn't want to talk to anybody but my children. Not even my parents, whom I am close to. I knew they and many close friends and relatives loved me and were supporting me from a distance, and that meant a lot to me, but I didn't want to talk to any of them. I do remember one friend who texted me every night before she went to bed for about three months, not expecting an answer, but just saying "I'm thinking of you right now and praying for you," or something along those lines. I appreciated that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrub Jay Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I'd give it a bit of time. If he asked you not to come then respect it. Some people don't like to be surrounded by people when they are upset. So sorry for her. That's must be so hard. Exactly, when my MIL died 10 years ago my SIL's house (where we stayed since this was 3k miles from us) was filled with people day and night. It was exhausting but it was exactly what SIL and BIL needed and loved. DH and I needed space (so we would sometimes hide since it wasn't our home but we were staying there). Everyone processes grief differently and if someone spells out what they need I would respect that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmseB Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I did not want to be around people, but I had a friend leave a decorative candle and a card on my doorstep and I didn't feel like they were intruding. I thought it was nice that they didn't want to bother me but still wanted to be comforting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I've had a number of miscarriages. I would suggest sending something over rather than dropping by yourself. Then spend time with them when they are ready. Also down the line, a card or some rememberance around the due date would have been nice for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merry Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 Thank you so much! I see now that my son's and daughter in law's situation is different from my own situation when my dh died. I understand better how they might be feeling now and I will respect their wishes for privacy. I had done similar things for them in the past when they had colds or when they moved and needed help but this time I will wait a day or two before having anything delivered to them. I didn't think how it might bug them if I just dropped off flowers and brownies without staying so I am glad I asked for feedback from you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 She will be grieving for a long time. You will have many chances to show her that you care and that you are there for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I really think it depends on a person's personality. When I had a miscarriage I didn't want to see anyone for a few days. When my sister in law had one she wanted company and people taking her kids and to talk to everyone. I really appreciated cards and voicemails and emails of support and sympathy. I would have loved for my mil to drop off brownies and treats. I think it's a really sweet gesture. I would not knock though. Text them after you drop it off at the door. Maybe you could also offer to pick up dinner for them the next day. You are a great mil! After my miscarriage my mil didn't do anything except say "sorry about your miscarriage. So, anyway..." The first time I saw her afterwards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 For now, I would send her a note. Maybe you could ask your son to let you know when a visit from you would be welcome. I have had two miscarriages. It's a hard time. Also, everyone grieves differently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I've had several. I really didn't want to see/talk to people, but it meant a lot when friends dropped off flowers/gifts/notes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I am a very private person, and if DH or I asked someone not to stop by, I would feel put-upon if they did, like the correct thing would be to let them in to my grief, even when I wanted to grieve privately, and I don't think that's the message you want to send. You sound like a caring MIL. I would wait a day or so, and then I'd call or text to let them know you're thinking of them, and see if you could stop by then. Give them hugs, and let them talk if they want, but don't push them if they'd rather not. (Your son may need you. DIL has your son, and she may have her own mom/sister, but your son may be trying to hold himself together for her sake, and he may need a chance for you to hug him and let him cry.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Also, I'm so sorry for your and their loss. (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Just let them know you are there if they need anything and then give them a few days since they requested to be left alone. Sometimes a little space is just needed. Perhaps after a few days some flowers and a hug might be nice, but if she wants space now, she might be the type that won't really feel like visiting later either. Give it time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Hello, well, I have a daughter in law whom I am very fond of but sometimes I am uncertain as to what the best thing to do is. I never had a mother in law myself and also, I never had a miscarriage. She had one last night. This was her first time to be pregnant. She and my son live just a few miles away. So when my son texted me today the sad news, I suggested that I drop by briefly. He texted back that he and his wife would rather be alone today to process the loss. I understand that but I myself had suffered the loss of my husband not too long ago, and I was grateful when people from church and the neighborhood dropped by even if it was only for a few minutes. So I am thinking that I would bring some flowers and brownies and then just drop them off at the door. Would that be crossing any boundaries? It doesn't feel right to me that they should be sitting at home alone with no one else to comfort them but having a miscarriage is quite different from losing a spouse so I suppose the grieving process is different also? They do have each other which is different from my situation. Please give me advice so I can help them either by leaving them alone or what? They want to be alone. I would not do anything to contact them right now directly, but maybe send a card or a note acknowledging their loss. I think it would be fine to leave stuff at the door, but don't knock. Text and say you left something and if they want to talk, you are around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsRobinson Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 We asked for ppl to not come by and they all ignored us. Made it so much worse. But one family member listened and dropped of dinner on the porch a few days later. That was so perfect because I had my head in the sand so to speak and it was nice to eat a real meal for the first time in a few days. Helped clear the fog. Since then, I've been vigilant about sending dinner when someone in my circle suffers a loss, has a baby, returns home from a hospital stay, etc. I also agree with others to not say much. Follow their lead since everyone grieves differently. Definitely don't compare your situation to theirs or offer any advice. So sorry for your loss. It will be better, just takes time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lorien Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Everyone's grieving process is different. I think it was wonderful for you to offer but I think you need to respect their wish to grieve alone at least for today. Perhaps another day would be a good one for brownies.I agree with Jean. If they've asked to be left alone, you should respect their wishes. Everyone will deal with a loss differently. When I miscarried I appreciated people calling, but I didn't speak to anyone. I simply couldn't talk and I just wanted to be left alone. I even turned down offers of food. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the care and concern of family and friends. I just wanted to be left alone. Maybe after a day or two you could contact your son again and see if there's anything you can do for them. Offer to bring food, and take flowers then. If they turn your offer down, you could ask again in another day or two. I haven't read any replies so maybe by now you've made a decision. If not... they've asked you to wait. They might just need time to grieve - alone. The time will come when they will be ready to have people reach out to help them. Be ready to be there for them when that time comes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 My SIL miscarried twins when she was five months along. She has never once talked about it, even fifteen years later. They had a funeral for the twins and asked that only the babies' grandparents attend. She did not want to share her grief with anyone, and we respected that. I thought I'd mention this just to say that your DIL may never want to discuss it, even years down the line. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for you, because I'm guessing you are grieving this loss, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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