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I seem to be the only one who thinks this is a bad idea


kewb
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My 16 year old ds asked me if he could go to a 2 day musicfest down the shore with his 14 year old girlfriend and 2 of her friends. Keeping in mind that he will be 17 when this event occurs.

Supposedly, her father would be staying in the hotel with them but not attending musicfest.

 

I say bad idea. My dh is like, great idea. He will be 17. What fun. I said "really, you want your 14 year old daughter going away to a music fest with her 17 year old boyfriend?" apparently this is a non issue for him because that would be different.

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No way on God's green earth. Nope. Ask your husband what he wants the new baby to call him, when it's born in 9 months. For the love of everything holy, why on earth would one do this???? Even good teens need a bit of guidance from us adults. Now, if you or your husband was going too, and also getting a hotel room, to share with him, fine. But this? This has disaster written all over it. And I wouldn't trust the girl's father, because by thinking this is a good idea he would ahve shown me he had poor judgement. 

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I'd say yes.  If he's generally a good kid and hasn't given you any reason to think he's going to do something dangerous or illegal, then what's the harm?  Of course I would speak to the parent who is chaperoning.

 

Those are the types of activities that he will remember for the rest of his life, and he's going to be a legal adult in only a year!

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He was generally a good kid until he started dating this girl. I would have no problem with him going with his friends. I do have a problem with him being the only 17 year old boy with three 14 year old girls. It just takes one of them to do something stupid and point the finger at him for his life to be ruined.

I have only met the father once. Never the mother and I don't know her friends. And like they won't cover for her when she sneaks out at night to see my son. How cool would that be to be involved in that drama.

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Wait, they won't have any parents/adults during the actual fest? The girlfriend's father is staying in the hotel room while the teens go off on their own? Nope, I wouldn't even entertain the idea. I hate being the meanie, but that's just a bad idea. Shame on that girl's father.

 

 

My understanding at this time is no adult supervision at the music fest. I would have to speak to her parents about it on more detail.

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That is a horrible idea. If I were you, I'd print out the ages of consent, statutory rape laws for my area and find a few stories about teens who's lives are being ruined by those laws.

 

The answer, is a unwavering "No". Everyone and anyone can disagree with you, that is fine, this is a free country, we are all equals protected by the constitution. Largely, we can think and say what we like, so people are free to make their opinions heard. Great for them.

 

He will be a legal adult in a year, so that means right now he is a minor and should be obeying you and your husband. I would pull out all the big-guns to stand my ground and fight against him going under these current circumstances. Even if I spoke to the other parents, I wouldn't let him go unless your husband is willing to go with him.

 

There will still be music fests a year from now, there is no reason for him to feel as though attending this with out adult supervision with a bunch of (too) young (to consent) teen girls is a once-in-a-lifetime event. He can make all the stupid and reckless decisions and take all the Not-worth-it risks when he is a legal adult. For now, Mommy knows best.

 

All those girls have to do is regret something the next day (or week, or month, or year) and sic the law on him. Or imagine one of the parents of these girls charging your son with statutory rape. Imagine him having to disclose that he's a Sex Offender applications (school, job, military, what ever type of applications) when he moves to a new neighborhood, when he wants to take certain jobs...

 

One weekend of fun-memories is a tawdry thing to trade for that label.

 

 

 

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No way, no how!!!! Not ever!

 

The only way I would consider it is getting a hotel room myself and going with them all. There would be separate rooms for girls and boys.

 

Especially since your ds and the girlfriend have not been responsible at times.

 

I can't say NO enough!

 

Elise in NC

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Come to think of it, I probably wouldn't feel comfortable unless *I* went, since it seems that your spouses judgement about this is a little weak. The fact that he doesn't have any mis-givings about this, or didn't think much of his son being presented with an opportunity to be put in a lot of damaging situations is kind of a red flag for me, personally.

 

So, don't agree or back down from your 'No' unless *you* can chaperone.

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So, I'm confused about the hotel.

 

The father has a room.  Does your son have his own room, and the 3 girls their own room?   

 

I wouldn't do it.  I don't know if it matters that there is no adult supervision at the music fest.  It's a big public area, right?  Like an all-day concert?   But the overnight accommodations would make me nervous.  I wouldn't let either of my kids go off to such a situation.

 

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Real life example:  My younger cousin's life WAS ruined by a statutory rape charge over something that occured when he was 17.  He has to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life because of a dumb choice he made at 17.  Even the smartest kids don't always think with their brains.  

 

That scenario is just begging for trouble.   

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No way. 

 

Unless there are adjoining rooms, and the dad is going to stay in one of the rooms all day, they could simply leave the music fest and return to an empty hotel room. 

 

Yes, yes, I realize teens don't need a hotel room to do the wild thing, but I believe in not placing temptation right in front of them. Plus, there's potential peer pressure from the other kids.  

 

I also think it's slightly weird that it would be him, her, and 2 of her friends, not a mixed group. 

 

Agreeing with those who said your dh can go along if he thinks it's such a great idea. 

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I would be ok with the music fest part of the event, but the overnight doesn't sound like it's thought out all the way. 

 

Kids can get into trouble at a picnic, day at the lake, concert.  But it seems unlikely that they'll drop down on the ground AT the music fest and create a child. 

 

Seems like the hotel is where the real shenanigans could occur.  4 teens and an adult in one room? Nope. But your son shouldn't be in a room alone, either. Because the girls could tell Dad they're going to the pool, or a walk, or whatever, and the young lady could go visit ds in his room.  So if another adult is going....like you, perhaps...and you could stay in ds's room, it would probably be ok.  

 

Since he'll be 17, it might be worth giving up a day and attending with him to give him some hands on training on situations he'll face as an adult.  There WILL be alcohol at the music fest, and likely drugs, also.  He's probably not prepared for how wild it can be. Or what to do if the other girls start drinking. 

 

Gosh, the more I think about this, the more glad I am that my son never went to these kind of things. SO much potential for fun. And trouble.

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Ask your husband what he wants the new baby to call him

 

Heh, yes. 

 

I'd say yes.  If he's generally a good kid and hasn't given you any reason to think he's going to do something dangerous or illegal, then what's the harm?  Of course I would speak to the parent who is chaperoning.

 

Those are the types of activities that he will remember for the rest of his life, and he's going to be a legal adult in only a year!

 

If the girlfriend were 17 also, I might agree with this a bit more, but she's not.  He's going to be a legal adult in a year, she is not. And "generally a good kid" hardly ever means "won't do something stupid," especially where sex and lax supervision are concerned. 

 

My kids have never given me any reason to think they'd do something dangerous or illegal - they are far better behaved as teens than dh and I ever were! They are both rule-followers, they are both smart, they both usually think ahead. But they are human, so we have the 'no boys in the bedroom' rule and many others in place to protect them (and give them handy excuses when they need backup). 

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No, I would not let him go to the music festival with 14 yo girlfriend.    In all areas, I think he should have careful supervision with the girl.  You do not want statutory rape charges.  You do not want this girl to be pregnant.  This sounds like a bad situation.  

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Not unless you or dh go along and are actively involved.  A 17 year old boy with 3 unchaperoned 14 year old girls at a music fest where there is likely to be drugs and alcohol freely flowing is not a good set up.  If it was your ds and a group of his friends, I would strongly consider it.  I would just not want to put him in that position.

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Heh, yes. 

 

 

If the girlfriend were 17 also, I might agree with this a bit more, but she's not.  He's going to be a legal adult in a year, she is not. And "generally a good kid" hardly ever means "won't do something stupid," especially where sex and lax supervision are concerned. 

 

My kids have never given me any reason to think they'd do something dangerous or illegal - they are far better behaved as teens than dh and I ever were! They are both rule-followers, they are both smart, they both usually think ahead. But they are human, so we have the 'no boys in the bedroom' rule and many others in place to protect them (and give them handy excuses when they need backup). 

 

I had plenty of s3x as a teenager without the use of a hotel room.  Never while at a music festival, although I did go to a few, because all of the dangerous and illegal activities took place on the way there.  Concert/festival staff are far too conscious of their licenses to allow that kind of thing at the event.  IMO it is naive to think that an overnight situation with a parent chaperoning is somehow more likely to cause s3xual activity than a trip to the mall or a walk around the block.  Any charges of statutory r@pe or likelihood of becoming a parent are not increased because of a hotel room, but may be slightly decreased due to the father's presence.  How about we recognize that a 17yo is likely to have s3x with his girlfriend, and give him protection along with a serious discussion about the law?  In fact, I think two 17yos going alone for the day are in much more danger in many ways than this group going with a parent.

 

My kids are also far better behaved than I was.  They have been to a few events where there were parents chaperoning a co-ed group of teens over one night, and sometimes multiple nights.  I know where my kids are (they aren't sneaking), I know there are parents both driving and chaperoning (I spoke with them about all of the details, and visited with them when dropping my kid(s) off), and I know the other kids (who are all basically good kids too).  This scenario allows them more freedom and amazing memories, while providing them safety measures I didn't have when I was a teen doing similar things in the most dangerous manner possible without my parents' permission or knowledge. 

 

If you force them to be sneaky and dangerous, they won't let you down. 

 

If you give them the opportunity to be mature, they will want to retain your trust so they will be allowed to do it again. 

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My 16 year old ds asked me if he could go to a 2 day musicfest down the shore with his 14 year old girlfriend and 2 of her friends. Keeping in mind that he will be 17 when this event occurs.

Supposedly, her father would be staying in the hotel with them but not attending musicfest.

 

I say bad idea. My dh is like, great idea. He will be 17. What fun. I said "really, you want your 14 year old daughter going away to a music fest with her 17 year old boyfriend?" apparently this is a non issue for him because that would be different.

 

Absolutely not. Nope. Not on your life. Not in this lifetime. Whole lot of nope going on.

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I think it would highly depend on the teenage girl. My parents wouldn't have let me go in a situation like that, and I was about as good a kid as you could have gotten. It would not have been a problem to have let me and the older teenage boyfriend go on something like that; we could have been trusted to behave ourselves. But none of our parents would have wanted us in situations where temptation could have been too much, and we wouldn't have been allowed to go.

 

Three teen girls and one boy sounds a bit iffy to me. I wouldn't be comfortable with it for my teens.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say a resounding no, but I think there are too many iffy and vague details, too much potential for problems. I'm torn between wanting to believe the best about kids who have shown themselves worthy of that (it bugs me that I was not given more freedom as a teen; I had shown that I warranted it, but my parents really bought into the "teens will be up to no good" thing and clamped down hard preemptively, especially when an older boyfriend was involved) and not wanting to be too naive. I guess I'd feel more comfortable if I knew the girl's parents better. (I was allowed to go places, even overnight, with my boyfriend's family, but only because my parents knew his well and knew they were all on the same page re: supervision.)

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He was generally a good kid until he started dating this girl. I would have no problem with him going with his friends. I do have a problem with him being the only 17 year old boy with three 14 year old girls. It just takes one of them to do something stupid and point the finger at him for his life to be ruined.

I have only met the father once. Never the mother and I don't know her friends. And like they won't cover for her when she sneaks out at night to see my son. How cool would that be to be involved in that drama.

 

Ugh.....BTDT, same "great ideas".  NO.  Trust your gut.  It is exactly what you think it is.

 

Stefanie

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I would say "Sure honey, I will go with you.  The two of us can share a room and she can stay with her friends and her dad. I love a good music festival, and we can have some nice bonding time in the evening."

 

And I would be planning lots and lots of events where this girl is invited. Dinners, family movie nights, baking Christmas cookies, make her a part of the family. Heck, invite her parents over for dinner. They might say no, but at least you did the right thing. I bet nothing will run her off faster than a boy with a very involved family.

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I had plenty of s3x as a teenager without the use of a hotel room. Never while at a music festival, although I did go to a few, because all of the dangerous and illegal activities took place on the way there. Concert/festival staff are far too conscious of their licenses to allow that kind of thing at the event. IMO it is naive to think that an overnight situation with a parent chaperoning is somehow more likely to cause s3xual activity than a trip to the mall or a walk around the block. Any charges of statutory r@pe or likelihood of becoming a parent are not increased because of a hotel room, but may be slightly decreased due to the father's presence. How about we recognize that a 17yo is likely to have s3x with his girlfriend, and give him protection along with a serious discussion about the law? In fact, I think two 17yos going alone for the day are in much more danger in many ways than this group going with a parent.

 

My kids are also far better behaved than I was. They have been to a few events where there were parents chaperoning a co-ed group of teens over one night, and sometimes multiple nights. I know where my kids are (they aren't sneaking), I know there are parents both driving and chaperoning (I spoke with them about all of the details, and visited with them when dropping my kid(s) off), and I know the other kids (who are all basically good kids too). This scenario allows them more freedom and amazing memories, while providing them safety measures I didn't have when I was as a teen doing similar things in the most dangerous manner possible without my parents' permission or knowledge.

 

If you force them to be sneaky and dangerous, they won't let you down.

 

If you give them the opportunity to be mature, they will want to retain your trust so they will be allowed to do it again.

It is not so much that I am worried about the sex. I am well aware that it can happen anywhere.

My issue is with him and 3 under age girls and minimal, if any, supervision. I have drilled into his head about statatory rape charges and how that will ruin his life. Doesn't matter if there was a court conviction. He has an arrest record and that will limit his future opportunities.

 

Last night he and I had some intense conversation and some yelling. By the end I flat out told him that he can think I am overbearing and ruining his life but one day he will realize that I was saving his life.

 

If they want to go for the day I am more then willing to consider it but overnight is not happening and I am glad it is not just me. My gut is screaming bad idea.

 

I just feel like I am always raining on his parade with rules and expectations of behavior. As long as his school work is done and he is honoring his commitments I really try to give him more freedom since he will be out of the house sooner rather then later but it is never enough for him. And since this girl entered the picture it is even worse because she has no boundries. I have been watching him make bad decision after bad decision.

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 I really try to give him more freedom since he will be out of the house sooner rather then later but it is never enough for him. And since this girl entered the picture it is even worse because she has no boundries. I have been watching him make bad decision after bad decision.

THIS would worry me.  If the girl doesn't have any boundaries then trouble is much more likely to follow.  Even if it isn't s*x, what happens if your son is with her and her friends and they are drinking or have drugs on them?  He could be in a lot of trouble too.

 

I love the idea about inviting her (and her family) over for lots of activities, meals, outings, etc.  Either she will love it and join in with the family and you can all get to know each other better............or she will balk and disappear.

 

I do wonder about parents encouraging their 14 year old daughter to have a boyfriend 3 years old at that age.

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I just feel like I am always raining on his parade with rules and expectations of behavior. As long as his school work is done and he is honoring his commitments I really try to give him more freedom since he will be out of the house sooner rather then later but it is never enough for him. And since this girl entered the picture it is even worse because she has no boundaries. I have been watching him make bad decision after bad decision.

 

This would worry me, as well.

 

You're a good mother. Hang in there.

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THIS would worry me.  If the girl doesn't have any boundaries then trouble is much more likely to follow.  Even if it isn't s*x, what happens if your son is with her and her friends and they are drinking or have drugs on them?  He could be in a lot of trouble too.

 

I love the idea about inviting her (and her family) over for lots of activities, meals, outings, etc.  Either she will love it and join in with the family and you can all get to know each other better............or she will balk and disappear.

 

I do wonder about parents encouraging their 14 year old daughter to have a boyfriend 3 years old at that age.

I was 15 and dh was 18 when we started dating.  I do wish that statutory laws acknowledged life stages.  I mean, if both kids are in high school, that's really not the same as some 25 year old chasing after teenagers. 

 

As for the subject at hand, my parents gave dh and I all sorts of freedom.  And when they didn't, we just snuck around and took it.  And I was pregnant within a few months of us dating.....so, yeah, I think it's a good thing to be cautious.

 

The hard part is that he is 17.  I also have a 17yo, and at this stage, we really are trying to say yes as often as possible.  We save our NOs (how does one pluralize no?) for the really important stuff.  I would call this important.  I would also really try to make it happen in some way.  If you or dh could go with him, that would be my first choice.  IMO, mixed gender overnights require an adult supervising each gender.  (also, is the dad planning on staying in the room with the girls?  That's creepy)

 

I really love the suggestion above of pulling her into the family.  Girls with boundary issues (raising my hand here) are often just girls who don't have a great family life.  As a teen, I just wanted to feel loved and valued.  If another family had poured into me, I think that would have impacted my choices.

 

I had a happy ending.  DH is absolutely the love of my life.  Four kids and 18 years later, we're still going strong. No regrets. (but yeah, it's not my dream to be on the parental end of that little love story)

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Ugh.....BTDT, same "great ideas".  NO.  Trust your gut.  It is exactly what you think it is.

 

Stefanie

 

this.

 

I can't understand the other father having no problem with this scenario for his 14 yo daughter.  I can't imagine a father who would allow their 14 yo daughter to date a 17 yo!  three years is a lot of maturity for a teenager.  (and I had a very permissive mother. - my father was deceased.)  I can see a 14yo girl considering it bragging rights material to be dating an "older" 17 yo boy when her peers are either not dating or only in their age.

 

and yeah - not just no, but hell no.   

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If they are in a bigger group that also includes at least one female adult, maybe.  It would depend on how the music fest is set up.  I would like to give the dad the benefit of the doubt that he has reason to trust his 14yo and has the sense to make sure she is protected.

 

Meanwhile I assume you have told your son all about the trouble he could get into if he isn't extremely careful.

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I would say "Sure honey, I will go with you.  The two of us can share a room and she can stay with her friends and her dad. I love a good music festival, and we can have some nice bonding time in the evening."

 

And I would be planning lots and lots of events where this girl is invited. Dinners, family movie nights, baking Christmas cookies, make her a part of the family. Heck, invite her parents over for dinner. They might say no, but at least you did the right thing. I bet nothing will run her off faster than a boy with a very involved family.

 

it might also make her want to spend more time with your family because it sounds like this is NOT what she's getting at home.

 

my mother was very permissive, and non-hands on.  she actively encouraged me to go places with my sister.  gee mom, you know there are drugs and other illegal activities going on in these places?  I never told her I had kids coming up to my in JR. HIGH asking me if my sister was a prostitute.  (I didn't know what the word meant.)

 

I saw kids who had "normal" families (I didn't know what it was - but I could still see there was something different and much more positive than what I knew.), and I wanted to be part of that,

 

and not one where my brother had a grow operation in the basement.  oh, and he had lots of visitors who only stayed for five minutes.  (and again - too many kids in jr. high asking me illegal substance related questions . . . . we won't go into my brother's friends behavior towards me.) and when my purse was stolen with my keys and drivers license so the thief could have easily gotten into my house, and I called the cops to watch the house - my brother was *furious* .

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