How often do you see your grandchildren? Or plan on seeing future grandkids?

[edelweiss]

My kids see my mom 4-6 times a year.  She lives about 20 minutes away from us.  She is busy and so are we.   We see my dad and stepmom once a year.  They live 9 hours away (by car).  DH's mom died when my oldest was a baby.  He has no contact with his father.

 

I don't really have any expectations about how often I will see grandchildren or how close we'll be.  I would be really surprised if my girls live anywhere close to me, so I would expect that we will probably travel to see them 1-2 times a year.  I doubt that I will feel up to being really active with grandchildren (I am already 46), and I'm not really the "play" type person, so I definitely don't see myself as being a "fun" grandma.  I'll be more of the pay-for-your-schooling type grandma.   ;)

[lllll]

..

[PrincessMommy]

I plan to be a lot more hands-on than my own parents.

 

this.   My kids' grandparents were pretty hands-off. 

 

My dh and I always said we want to be the kind of grandparents we wished our kids had had.  So....I babysit my grandson 3x per week.  It's a bit more than even I was expecting :), but it's only until dd gets her PhD.  And, I do enjoy being a part of his life too.

[marbel]

My kids see my mom 4-6 times a year.  She lives about 20 minutes away from us.  She is busy and so are we.   We see my dad and stepmom once a year.  They live 9 hours away (by car).  DH's mom died when my oldest was a baby.  He has no contact with his father.

 

I don't really have any expectations about how often I will see grandchildren or how close we'll be.  I would be really surprised if my girls live anywhere close to me, so I would expect that we will probably travel to see them 1-2 times a year.  I doubt that I will feel up to being really active with grandchildren (I am already 46), and I'm not really the "play" type person, so I definitely don't see myself as being a "fun" grandma.  I'll be more of the pay-for-your-schooling type grandma.   ;)

 

You may be surprised.  My mom and I both had our kids late in life; she was 81 (and I was 41) when my oldest was born.  My MIL was 58 when that child was born.  My mom was by far the more fun grandma.   She wasn't necessarily able to be more active but she showed more interest and was more ready to get on the floor with them, read, even play, etc.  (She just needed more help getting up from the floor, lol.)

 

I will be an old grandma too.  I also don't enjoy playing with little kid toys and games.  I see myself as the reading grandma. 

[catz]

 

 

I will be an old grandma too.  I also don't enjoy playing with little kid toys and games.  I see myself as the reading grandma. 

 

I think it's nice when grandparents can find their niche and be comfortable with it.  When I was growing up I had the crafty/playing grandma.  And I had the drama, show off the grand kids grandma.  They both had their quirks and I loved them both. Probably averaged seeing them 2-6 times a year depending on the year.   I know my mom wasn't thrilled with my MILs involvement, but she was who she was.  She was probably doing the best she could given the tools available to her and her history.  I think when expectations are different than what is given is when problems start.  Not every grandparent can be the fully invested, crawl around on the floor, I want to know what you're doing 24-7 type of grandparent.

 

I actually think having a no travel at holidays rule is fine.  My parents had that rule for us and I really enjoyed our holidays at home and it was much less chaotic.  There was some level of drama on both sides of the family at times, so it was nice not to get that at Christmas.  I do think it's odd to say you won't travel and be mad when no one else will either.    Both my grandmothers did end up at my parents for various holidays as they got older and were less locked into their own stuff at the holidays.  People get so pent out about holiday expectations and I really work hard not to get so caught up in expectations I'm not enjoying what's happening NOW. 

 

As to seeing grandkids once a year or whatever, that's what some grandparents or families can do, especially if extensive travel and time is involved.  I've found with my parents and ILs, they have active, busy social lives and commitments.  And I'm glad they do, even if that means they aren't at every kids violin recitals or whatever.  It would be much harder to deal with unhappy, lonely, depressed aging parents. 

[elegantlion]

My son sees my parents quite often. They live 30 minutes away and we've been down there 2-3 times a week lately since my dad has been ill and my mom doesn't drive. In normal times, we see them about 2 times a month, at least. My son was born on my mom's birthday and they are best of buddies, even after 17 years. His other grandmother lives several hours away and we haven't seen her for a while.  

 

I had no relationship with my grandparents for a variety of reasons. The closest living one was an alcoholic, so there was no real relationship. 

 

As for my future grandchildren? I don't know. Ds wants to live in a foreign country and I hope he achieves that goal. So I also hope he can afford airline fare so I can entertain my grandchildren in my home. I hope he makes his own family traditions as well and will fly to see him. 

[alisoncooks]

My parents live 3.5 hours away and see my kids 1-2x a month, for at least a weekend. They also Skype weekly. Since DH has been in the hospital a lot lately, the girls have stayed about 2-weeks total with the grandparents (over the past 1.5 months).

 

My MIL sees the kids at Thanksgiving and Christmas (for 2-4 days each). Sometimes she's able to see them once in the summer. She also lives 3.5-4 hours away, but she is less physically and financially able to travel. She does make an effort to send b-day cards and the occasional phone call.

 

My FIL has seen my kids 3-4x in their whole lives. He has no other contact with them -- no Christmas presents, no phone calls, no bday cards -- nothing, which I totally don't understand.

[Firefly]

As often as possible!  I'm not a grandmother yet, but I loved having my parents close by and involved with my two as they were growing (they're teens now).  I hope to foster the same kind of relationship with my own grandchildren.  DS and DD are close to my parents in a way they won't ever be with my in-laws who, despite only living 1/2 an hour away, choose not to see much of them.  They have an *okay* relationship with the in-laws, but it's definitely not the same.  

 

My parents are actually moving away in January and we are all pretty bummed out about it. :(  But I'm grateful for the years we've had together.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I actually think having a no travel at holidays rule is fine.  My parents had that rule for us and I really enjoyed our holidays at home and it was much less chaotic.  There was some level of drama on both sides of the family at times, so it was nice not to get that at Christmas.  I do think it's odd to say you won't travel and be mad when no one else will either.    Both my grandmothers did end up at my parents for various holidays as they got older and were less locked into their own stuff at the holidays.  People get so pent out about holiday expectations and I really work hard not to get so caught up in expectations I'm not enjoying what's happening NOW. 

 

<snip>

 

Yeah, it wasn't so much the "we want to stay home" part - I do get that - but it was "come to me or I'll be mad."  I didn't get that across quite right the first time.   She was hurt/angry  that my brother, his wife, and kids didn't go to them. Well, OK, but maybe they want to be home too?  It also got to be difficult for my parents to travel.  That's where I think some compromise helps everyone out.   

 

But ultimately I think the unit is husband/wife/kids, and they should decide what works best for them.  They should just do it kindly and with grace (which is not what I saw) and not get mad when that's not best for everyone else.

[Upward Journey]

I haven't read any of the responses yet...

 

I have two grandchildren, 10 mos & 2 1/2.  I'll be very, very lucky if I get to see them at all in the next year :(  They live on the other side of the continent and money being what it is for us and them right now, I don't see it happening.

 

We were able to spend a month with them this summer.  It was wonderful :)

 

If we lived within an hour of them I imagine that I'd see them at least once a week for an hour or two.  Hopefully dh & I would be doing some babysitting :)

 

 

When we lived near my parents we saw them 1-2 times a week, + church.  Usually we went to them, they have the pool ;) and my dad is a workaholic.  He gets really antsy if he doesn't have something to do. He love, lov,, loves, having us there (knowing we're there) but likes to keep busy, not just visit.

 

 

ETA: When my parents lived on the other side of the country we saw them 1-2 times/year.  They have the means to travel, so would usually come out for a week at a time. Sometimes my dad brought us to them :)

[Southern Ivy]

It's a long time until grandkids for me; but growing up, we saw my grandparents maybe 5 times a year? Maybe less. They lived 4-6 hours away and with our family's financial situation, travel was not easy. 

My daughter sees my parents every 1-2 months (we sometimes go longer, though we try not to). My mom also requests to keep her for 3 day weekends, under the guise of "you guys need a weekend away" *wink wink, nudge nudge*.  They only live 1 1/2 hours away, so it's easier to see them. 

My husband's family lives further, but they come to visit and we visit them, so she seems them maybe every 3-4 months. We also tend to stay in their town longer than we stay with my parents; so time wise, I think it evens out or is very close. We also Skype with them during the time between. 

[Tarreymere]

Having expectations about what a grandparent "should" do or how often they "should" do it is the first mistake. Arguing with a grandparent because they don't meet your expectations just compounds that mistake. Trying to bully someone into meeting your expectations and provoking an argument over it is just completely wrong. 

 

It really doesn't matter how often other grandparents see their grandchildren or how often other people who aren't grandparents think they might see their potential grandchildren in the future. What matters is that this particular relationship isn't going to get anything positive out of comparisons with other families. A more positive focus is to be grateful for what time your parent and your child do spend together. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Spryte]

Growing up, I saw my grandparents a few times a year - we lived far away.  But I have wonderful memories of long visits.

 

We live within a day's drive of all the grandparents right now.

 

My mother has spent tons of times with us, she will come for 4 - 6 weeks at a time, and just play with the kids.  She also alternated with my MIL for several years, and one was always here when DS was little because I was severely ill for several years.  So DS has had lots of grandma time from both, though not so much from MIL since I've been well.  My mom is the one who'll get on the floor and play, and she'll even roll down a snowy hill (she is 73, by the way, so I think she's very brave!).

 

In-laws, we see now maybe 6 times a year - and only for a day at a time.  They are more hands-off, though I wish they'd stay longer.  They seem to have the perspective that family is a burden, because they both come from very large families, and they want to give us the "gift" of not imposing on us.  It drives me a little crazy, because I genuinely want more time with them.  In fact, this is a sore spot because they are talking about moving a zillion miles away and totally isolating themselves.  It would mean that seeing them, for our kids, is almost impossible (DS has trouble flying due to his allergies, and their new home would require 2 flights - double the risk).  Blech.

 

My father and stepmom are very active with their other grandchildren, but not so much with ours.  We see them once or twice a year.  

 

I honestly haven't thought about grandchildren yet.  :)  I guess it will depend on where everyone lives, but I hope for lots of time, of course.

[Upward Journey]

We have one of those.

 

The irony:  she refuses to travel but expects others to travel. I have gently suggested that she reconsider this but her ears are stopped.

 

Another issue that perplexes and amazes me:  some grandparents do not want to share their grandchildren with the other set of grandparents (or sets if divorce/remarriage is involved.)  It is almost as though they are keeping score.

 

I sometimes feel that some grandparents are not particularly "adult" in cultivating good relationships with their adult children's spouses.  Wisdom does not necessarily come with age...

 

 

 

I told my son & dil that I didn't care if we had them for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I'd much rather just be able to see them.  Having a holiday involved is not important to me.  

 

About the bolded, the month we spent with my sons family this summer was with the other set of grandparents as well.  That's just how it ended up (long story).  Yes, I would have loved for it to just have been us, but really we are all family now and hopefully will be for the next 40-50 years  I am thankful that we all get along so well ;)

[gardenmom5]

  I doubt that I will feel up to being really active with grandchildren (I am already 46), 

 

:huh:    :blink:  :svengo:

 

do yoga.  you'll feel younger.  (for those not very fit, there are dvd's for 'gentle yoga' , and chair yoga, and yoga for over 50. yoga for arthritis, etc.)

[Farrar]

Different amounts are right for different personalities. We only see my dad and step- mother a couple of times a year. And my grandmother just once a year. We see mil&fil maybe four or five times a year - always short term though. We see my mother like once a month, but she made it a life goal to be "the grandmother." So she makes a huge effort - also, all the other sets have other grandkids, but not my mother. I'm honestly happy with all those different arrangements.

 

ETA: Actually, I wish I saw my grandmother more, but she lives the farthest away (13 hour drive) and can't visit us. So... It's tough.

[Trilliums]

When we lived about 6 hours away, my parents visited us a few times a year.  It helped that we lived near the beach. Lots of my family tended to visit us.  Dh's family has visited us one time, and they left early because they couldn't watch their regular tv shows.

 

Now that we live in the Midwest, the kids only see grandparents when we visit them.   DH's parents have passed away and I don't think my kids, now teens, remember much about them, and if they do, they probably do not have very fond memories of them, unfortunately.  They were grandparents who said they wanted us to visit, but then they didn't actually like having little kids around.  Visits there were always pretty stressful.  

 

I hope I will be more engaged in my grandkids' lives (provided my kids have kids, which is by no means a given.)  I would love to end up living near my kids when they are adults. I suspect they will end up moving to wherever they obtain jobs in their fields, so I think it is actually unlikely that we will end up all living near each other.

[Laurie4b]

When I have grandchildren, I hope to see them as often as possible!  I am hoping none live so far away that it makes it hard to impossible, but that is probably an unrealistic hope. Wherever they live, I will make an effort to have a connection with them. My grandparents were very important in my life--one grandmother in particular.

 

We were between 6-8 hours from all our kids' grandparents (3 sets--we are in the geographic center) and we made an effort for many years to visit 2-3 times per year, driving in the car with babies and toddlers for several years. The effort was reciprocated only by one set of grandparents, who also invited the kids to stay for a couple weeks each summer. It made me sad that the other grandparents didn't do that. If they had also visited 2-3 times a year or asked the kids to stay with them, they could have had a vibrant relationship with our kids.

[Pam in CT]

This thread interested me because of situations within my own family. I do not have grandchildren but have sibs/sibs-in law who do. There is some tension and unhappiness regarding the holidays when family issues are often sore points.

 

So much of this depends upon geography and age as well as the relationship one has not only with one's adult child but with his/her spouse.  My parents who are no longer living traveled to see us every Christmas.  We sometimes saw them another time during the year. They had a very different relationship with my sister's kids who lived in the same town, although even that changed over time.  My mom was very close to a niece; when her brother was born though both parents were more frail and could not keep up with his energy level. So they did not do the extensive babysitting with him that they had done with his sister. 

 

Health really enters into this issue. After my Mom died, my son and I took a cruise with my Dad but he never traveled again.  The sad thing was that I was often traveling to see him in the hospital, rehab or to entertain him while he was house bound.

 

There are grandparents within my extended family who expect their adult children and grands to travel to them, particularly during the holidays.  Packing up the car with young kids and driving twelve hours is a day in the park for some, a nightmare for others.  I watch the hurt feelings within my own family and have decided that I will be happy to travel to grands, have them come to me, happy to rent a cottage somewhere in between.  I want to cultivate good relationships and minimize everyone's expectations.

 

Maybe easier said than done?

 

 

:iagree: , especially about minimizing very specific expectations.

 

Growing up, both sets of grandparents lived between 4-5 hours' drive from us.  We saw both sets between 4-6x year.  They'd come to us once or twice, and our parents took us to them several times.  One set did "special" camp, which involved ONE child being shamelessly spoiled for a week at their lake house... which in turn involved one of my parents doing the RT drive at each end of the week, for a total of 4 RT drives each summer...

 

Which taught me: 1) these relationships are to be nurtured and cherished; and 2) it takes work to invest in them.  Planning effort, scheduling tradeoffs, driving sacrifices, putting others' preferences or expectations ahead of our own some of the time, letting little irritants slide a lot of the time...

 

... and now it's our turn.

 

Much of the balance we've seen in our own family has come down to recognizing one another's "seasons"... When my kids were little, it was a PITA to pack everything up and haul them on long drives; it was relatively easy for the then-youngish grands to come to us.  Now my kids travel well (though as they get older the schedules are much harder to manage) while my now-older parents really prefer to SLEEP IN THEIR OWN BED; so it's our turn to go to them.  My kids were little when my brother was still single; he was a terrific sport about accompanying us on trips built around them; now he has little ones and mine have to adjust to moving at a snail's pace and eating dinner by 6:30...

 

 

It is easier said than done; and probably easier with some branches of most families than others...

 

 

 

Having expectations about what a grandparent "should" do or how often they "should" do it is the first mistake. Arguing with a grandparent because they don't meet your expectations just compounds that mistake. Trying to bully someone into meeting your expectations and provoking an argument over it is just completely wrong. 

 

It really doesn't matter how often other grandparents see their grandchildren or how often other people who aren't grandparents think they might see their potential grandchildren in the future. What matters is that this particular relationship isn't going to get anything positive out of comparisons with other families. A more positive focus is to be grateful for what time your parent and your child do spend together. 

... but I agree with this, too.  The analysis of who's the "fun" grandparent, or the "better" ones, is I think particularly self-fulfilling...

[Tsuga]

I saw my grandma once per year. I don't think I suffered. She was a good grandma. She sent a card for my birthday and made us cookies when we went to see her on holidays. She remembered my name. I am pretty happy with that! I saw my other grandma less frequently. She called on holidays.

 

My mom is way more involved but we live 1.5 hours away so it doesn't always happen. I told her she has a standing invitation and she can come to our place for dinner (or cold cereal, whatever we can manage) any time. I said I won't clean for her, LOL. She sees the kids twice a month otherwise.

 

My goal is to be well-off enough to be able to help my kids with their kids after school, if they choose to live near me, and I plan to fly to see them on Christmas, alternating, if they live very far and can't come.

 

My goal is not to get excommunicated.

 

 

They then take my kids out to do fun stuff and leave me to take care of the stupid boring stuff like cleaning etc that has to get done.

 

See, I view that as a grandparent's right. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? My mom does that and I have no problem with it. I do mind when she loads them up with junk toys so they have no room for presents, but oh well. Time with grandma is a special time.

 

How would it work otherwise, my mom cleans my house for me while I go out to ice-cream with the kids?

 

I think there are a lot of expectations around grandparents on this thread. I am glad I don't share those expectations or I would be very sad. As it is I'm extremely happy everyone's alive and speaking to each other.

[NoseInABook]

My kids are all young yet but I hope to be with my grandkids weekly. I'd like to be a professional grandmother who is available whenever my kids need me to help out. 

 

My Dad sees the kids a couple times a year and he lives the farthest away. My mother and her husband see the kids about once every 4-6 weeks and they're a 5 hour round trip. My in-laws live in town and it varies. Sometimes they'll see them once a week, sometimes they go months without seeing them.

[Hikin' Mama]

Having expectations about what a grandparent "should" do or how often they "should" do it is the first mistake. Arguing with a grandparent because they don't meet your expectations just compounds that mistake. Trying to bully someone into meeting your expectations and provoking an argument over it is just completely wrong.

 

It really doesn't matter how often other grandparents see their grandchildren or how often other people who aren't grandparents think they might see their potential grandchildren in the future. What matters is that this particular relationship isn't going to get anything positive out of comparisons with other families. A more positive focus is to be grateful for what time your parent and your child do spend together.

I think this is a very important point! Thanks for saying it. :)

[Isabella]

I hope to be far more involved with any future grandchildren than either set of my kids grandparents. Without being pushy and overbearing!

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Every day.  DGD and DD live with us.  It can be frustrating at times but I already cry when I think about the day when DGD won't wake me with smiles and pleas for chocolate milk and snuggling during Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.

 

We moved away from our families when DD and DS were young and have regretted it ever since.  They see our families maybe once a year.

[T'smom]

I saw my grandma once per year. I don't think I suffered. She was a good grandma. She sent a card for my birthday and made us cookies when we went to see her on holidays. She remembered my name. I am pretty happy with that! I saw my other grandma less frequently. She called on holidays.

 

My mom is way more involved but we live 1.5 hours away so it doesn't always happen. I told her she has a standing invitation and she can come to our place for dinner (or cold cereal, whatever we can manage) any time. I said I won't clean for her, LOL. She sees the kids twice a month otherwise.

 

My goal is to be well-off enough to be able to help my kids with their kids after school, if they choose to live near me, and I plan to fly to see them on Christmas, alternating, if they live very far and can't come.

 

My goal is not to get excommunicated.

 

 

See, I view that as a grandparent's right. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? My mom does that and I have no problem with it. I do mind when she loads them up with junk toys so they have no room for presents, but oh well. Time with grandma is a special time.

 

How would it work otherwise, my mom cleans my house for me while I go out to ice-cream with the kids?

 

I think there are a lot of expectations around grandparents on this thread. I am glad I don't share those expectations or I would be very sad. As it is I'm extremely happy everyone's alive and speaking to each other.

Did you miss the part where they were there for 2-3 weeks at Christmas and taking the kids out for fun stuff every day? Yeah, I agree that grandparents have the right to spoil their grand kids, but they can't monopolize them at Christmas.

[lispy]

Growing up, we lived within 20 minutes of both sets of my grandparents and we saw them about once a month when I was younger.  We did not have a bad relationship, but not close either.  Once I was a teen, I only went to visit them when we had full family get togethers (3-4 times a year).

 

Dh grew up visiting his grandmother weekly as a child, then began to see her multiple times a week when he was old enough to drive himself---they had a really good relationship.

 

We live 20 minutes from my parents and go every other week for an extended visit (5-6 hours) and then see them in between times for shorter (30 min-hour) when we are in the neighborhood.  My kids have a MUCH closer relationship to my parents than I did my own grandparents.

 

Dh's parents had both passed away before kids.

 

Not sure what will happen with future grandchildren.  I would love for all of my kids/grandkids to stay in the area and see them regularly,  but I know chances are that at least some of them will move away.  I will do my best not to feel sorry for myself should that happen.  

[Jenny in Florida]

My daughter has mentioned a scenario in which she gets wealthy enough to purchase an apartment building in NYC and sets aside an apartment for herself and one for us. She has also suggested that I could homeschool her as-yet-extremely-hypothetical children.

 

So, it sounds like I'll be seeing a lot of my future grandkids.

 

Edited to add: I don't have a lot in the way of experience with relationships between kids and their grandparents. I never knew my paternal grandfather and met my paternal grandmother all of once that I remember. My mother had a strained relationship with her own parents, and we lived 1,800 miles away from them. I saw them, at best, once every two or three years.

 

My in laws, in particular my mother-in-law, were really good grandparents. They lived in California while we were on the east coast. But they made a genuine effort to keep in touch and visit at least a couple of times a year. It makes me very sad that my kids didn't have more time to have their grandparents, but I learned many lessons about how to be a good mother-in-law and grandparent in the time we did have.