mommyx4 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 My twin boys are about to turn 13 and they are so hard right now. I could really use some parenting help. My parents were AWFUL so I never use them as a reference. My boys are uber competitive with each other. I know that is to be expected. However, they are constantly throwing one another under the bus or making fun of the other in social situations. It really, really bothers me. I have talked to them repeatedly about this. I have told them how their words can affect their relationship for a lifetime. My sister and I barely talk and have a very strained relationship due to not having parents help to *parent* us in situations that caused so much conflict. I am not this way. I try and help most situations, but sometimes I do let them work it out....but it has gotten so bad. It's like their competitive nature has caused each other to make the other one look bad so the other can shine. It's one thing to do this in our home (which we do not condone), it's another to do it out in public. I'm scared, at this point, to allow them to be in social situations where I'm not there. One example that was recent...the boys were playing with friends at the park.a One of my boys accidentally hurt the other. Instead of saying sorry and helping the other twin up, he left him there, turned his back to his brother and continued to talk with the other kids while his brother was laying on the ground. I ran over after I saw what happened and the one boy that got hurt was on the ground crying (with the other kids around) and his twin said to me he really wasn't hurt, he was faking and to ask the other kids...I was heartbroken. Why wouldn't he help his brother? I don't get this. To me, family is EVERYTHING. This is the reason we homeschool. Yes, we homeschool for academic reasons, religious, etc, but the main reason we homeschool is so our family is close. I feel like no matter what, no matter how embarassed the other one was, he should have held out a hand and helped his brother up...but he didn't.... Another example happened today. This really isn't huge, but when I compile it with everything else it speaks volumes. The boys were involved in show and tell in a Landry class today(Landry classes are online) They were showing their new puppy to the class and teacher. After a moment of showing tricks that the puppy has learned, my one son thought it would be funny to show an embarrasing picture of his brother to the class. In this same class, the other twin made fun of his brother in the chat (while the class was going on) on something he said during class for the whole class to see! This is almost daily with them. I really am at wits end about this and don't know what to do. I don't want their relationship to suffer and I fear it is...please help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Does one twin push the other around more than the other? Or is the giving and receiving of negative behavior equal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyx4 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Share Posted December 2, 2014 It's pretty equal. I would say one is more vindictive than the other, but they both do this to each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I know the dynamics are different with b/b twins than with b/g twins, but when mine got competitive, I tried to give them separate outlets. Separate activities, even separate curricula to cover the same subject matter. They can't compete if apples and oranges aren't comparable. As for rudeness and throwing one another under the bus, that would incur major loss of privilege. Mine were a bit younger when we encountered this, but basically it was, if you can't treat people nearest you right, you don't get to spend time with others outside your home. At 13, that would involve the use of social media. Pull up the bullying guidelines for your local school district and the social media venues they are using. Are they violating those rules/terms of service? Maybe working on a common goal together would actually help. What about committing them to a Habitat for Humanity project? It would help each get his eyes off his self, which may be at the root of the problem. Have you guys ever sat down to watch The Prestige together? You have to do it without telling them about the ending or why you want to watch it (other than how good it is!). I can imagine some conversations about selflessness that might follow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: I don't think that I'm really any help... I don't have twins.... I don't have 13yo boys.... but my first thought was maybe they could do with some separate and alone time. Separate classes. Separate times with friends. Separate activities. Maybe cultivating some outside interests away from the other would help them gain confidence in themselves and not have to belittle the other in order to feel better about themselves. Too much togetherness can breed discontent in everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I was also thinking about separate "things". Part of it may be that they want to emphasize their differences. Besides school do they do activities together and always visit friends together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Do you have consequences for their actions? So much at that age doesn't quite "click" with kids yet, and you do need some consequences. Explaining it is crucial too, and it sounds like you are doing that. But as far as consequences, after the incident at the park, for example, perhaps you could say no going to the park for a week. But again, really explaining the "why." Other things off the top of my head... Is your husband involved in this too? A father can have a big impact on boys that age, and you two need to be sure you're handling it in the same way. Also, someone else's question of whether one is more to blame than the other is a good one. I would be watching very closely what goes on with them. Be there supervising, constantly for awhile. You have the ability to do that since you homeschool. See if you can figure out what's at the root of it. Something we used to do is if two siblings were not getting along, they had to sit down on the couch and discuss it, kindly. Until they reached some kind of a conclusion and both were satisfied, they couldn't leave the couch. Another thing you can do that is easy... We were very careful about the books they read and the movies they watched at that age. So many movies -- even children's movies -- have siblings in it that don't treat each other kindly, or the children are sassy to the parents. We wouldn't show movies like that. I really believe that media can have an impact on children. Find movies where the family members treat each other with kindness and respect. Anyway, those are just a few things to consider, for what it's worth. :) You sound like a very loving, sensitive mother. Being a good example is the very best thing you can do. My sister was/is like that, and she was a single mother with three boys. A couple of them were rude and disrespectful for years. I think she cried herself to sleep for years. She remained steadfast in her love and example of kindness and sensitivity. Her boys are all adults now, and have become very sweet and considerate and gentle. They also spend a lot of time with each other. It just took them awhile to get there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 Oh, one more thing, pertaining to boys in general, not just twins. Are they getting enough hard physical exercise? That's often a challenge for homeschool families that don't have access to daily PE. Physical exertion goes a long way for taking the punchiness out of a hormonal teen. We need to flash the horse-in-the-sky beacon for Remudamom. No doubt she could share some tips. ETA too bad the Landry teacher didn't call them out on their antics. A third party authority figure's opinion might carry some weight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 So you're saying my ds11s are going to get worse? :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 So you're saying my ds11s are going to get worse? :glare: Yeah...reading this thread with some trepidation for sure... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyx4 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 I certainly don't want to be a Debbie Downer other mama's of younger twin boys...but this all ramped up around 11/12 and is full force now at almost 13.... Here is hoping I can ride this crazy wave with some grace and not run into the woods and not come back...lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 Can dad get in the picture and really clamp down on this? I also agree with a LOT of hard physical activity---work if at all possible, otherwise sports, etc. I also like the idea of different friends/activities for them. If they are in everything together, including homeschooling there will be a lot of extra competition that kids that are in school don't have as they are often in different classes, maybe different lunch periods, etc. Try to find areas where they each shine and encourage that. I don't have twins but I have 2 girls that are 14 months apart. They are close and don't really fight but we have found different activities for each of them so that they have something of their own that the other doesn't do.....like ice skating lessons for example. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeteranMom Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 I have 2 that are like "oil and water" and they don't always bring out the best in each other. I make them do chores together when they are misbehaving and acting nasty toward one another. Nothing like cleaning up dog poop together to strengthen the sibling bond. It's really cut back on the problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
school17777 Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 My twins got along better once they went to school and were separated during the day. Now they gang up on their sister, though. Dh's sisters are identical twins. They were kept together in school and activities. Apparently, they didn't like it. The one sister who has her own identical twins has separated them when she can (such as in school) and she encourages their own friendships. Even though it might/will be more work for you, you may want to consider separating them when you can - such as different online classes, if at all possible. It is probably hard doing the same thing at the same time because it naturally brings about comparison and I am sure they are very competitive anyway without it being right in your face. When my twins were still at home, they did completely different curriculum for one year because dd needed to not be doing the same thing as her brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 A friend of mine was explaining where she was in a large family , child a, child b, her, child d, the twins ... Twins are often thought of and treated as a single unit. Maybe all you are seeing is a struggle to be an individual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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