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Friends who insist on bringing food


msjones
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I have several long-time friends who are very dear to me.  We see each other often and there is no conflict worth mentioning.  

 

Every Christmas we have a Christmas party -- just adults.  Only 8 people, so not a huge party.  

 

I love to cook.  I'm a very good cook.  I love to host parties.  They don't enjoy cooking.  They rarely cook and stress out and complain when they have to.  These are frozen pizza, taco-seasoning-in-an-envelope, boxed cake mix kinds of gals and I love them just the way they are.  

 

So, I offer to host the Christmas party.  To me, that means I'll prepare the food and everyone can just come and enjoy themselves.  I will enjoy planning and shopping and cooking and serving a yummy, festive meal to my dear lovely friends and their husbands.  

 

But no.

 

They insist on bringing major parts of the meal.  They say, "I'll bring a salad/appetizer/dessert."  I say, "no, really, let me host -- I'd really enjoy it!  It'll be fun for me!"  

 

But they won't relent.  They say they'll feel "guilty."  They don't want me to "go to all that trouble."  

 

It isn't trouble to me!  It's a fun party!

 

I know my food is good.  I know they HATE cooking and resent bringing food.  So why won't they let me host them?  

 

FWIW,  I already gave in and am letting them bring food.  It's not worth anyone's feelings being hurt.  But why not just accept an invitation to a dinner party?

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I hear you - it seems to work best to just find something really easy for them to bring  - even something they can just pick up (like ice cream).  

 

A lot of people have been brought up to bring SOMETHING, so you have to find a way to fill that need for them that is acceptable to you and them.  

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Next time have a list:

 

Say , "I've planned the meal. I don't need help, but if you want you can bring one of the following: flowers, wine, sparkling water, ice cream, cheese and crackers, eggnog, sparkling cider, chocolates etc" emphasize that it is important to choose from the list, because you've already planned and don't have time to replan the event. You could have a sign up list with those items listed, for your friends to put their name on to make it more official.

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Yep, agree with having simple things they can bring - I always ask for wine or beer, or if someone really insists, a dessert, because so what if there's too much dessert. 

 

I agree about wanting to be the host sometimes.  I just think people have become conditioned to "pot luck" culture where it is rude to show up at someone's house empty-handed, even if asked to do so. The art of the hostess gift is dead or dying - people feel they have to contribute to the meal. 

 

Also, if people don't like to cook, it may be hard for them to understand that you do like it. So they don't want to burden you with all the work.   My MIL is an unenthusiastic cook and doesn't understand why anyone would spend more time than absolutely necessary preparing food.  

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Next time have a list:

 

Say , "I've planned the meal. I don't need help, but if you want you can bring one of the following: flowers, wine, sparkling water, ice cream, cheese and crackers, eggnog, sparkling cider, chocolates etc" emphasize that it is important to choose from the list, because you've already planned and don't have time to replan the event. You could have a sign up list with those items listed, for your friends to put their name on to make it more official.

Love this!!!

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Every Christmas we have a Christmas party -- just adults.  Only 8 people, so not a huge party.  

 

I love to cook.  I'm a very good cook.  I love to host parties.  They don't enjoy cooking.  They rarely cook and stress out and complain when they have to.  These are frozen pizza, taco-seasoning-in-an-envelope, boxed cake mix kinds of gals and I love them just the way they are.  

 

So, I offer to host the Christmas party.  To me, that means I'll prepare the food and everyone can just come and enjoy themselves.

 

I agree with everybody else, but I had another thought:

could it be  semantics issue of "party" vs "dinner"?

It found that people tend to bring stuff when they are invited to a party - whereas people typically understand that the host is cooking if they are asked to come over for dinner.

So, I'd ask them to join me for dinner.

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Two things:

If you accept an invitation to a dinner party to which you don't bring anything, you're obligated to reciprocate by inviting the hosts to a home meal or to a restaurant.

But if it's more of a potluck thing or if they feel they participate in some way, it more or less removes that obligation to reciprocate because it's a thing you all did 'together' & it just happened to be at your home.

Secondly, I do know some people who like to bring something because then they know there'll be at least one thing they like to eat.  It doesn't sound like that might be an issue in your case but I'm just throwing it out there because I know this does happen. "I'm bringing this thing I like because then I can fill up on it if the fancy schmancy foodie thing the host is preparing is not something I like"

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Two things:

 

If you accept an invitation to a dinner party to which you don't bring anything, you're obligated to reciprocate by inviting the hosts to a home meal or to a restaurant.

But if it's more of a potluck thing or if they feel they participate in some way, it more or less removes that obligation to reciprocate because it's a thing you all did 'together' & it just happened to be at your home.

 

Secondly, I do know some people who like to bring something because then they know there'll be at least one thing they like to eat. It doesn't sound like that might be an issue in your case but I'm just throwing it out there because I know this does happen. "I'm bringing this thing I like because then I can fill up on it if the fancy schmancy foodie thing the host is preparing is not something I like"

Yes to both of these.

 

Just because you are a good cook does not mean that your friends won't want the security of knowing there will be something familiar/especially enjoyable to them. And sometimes people have food issues they don't want to talk about or wouldn't want to burden a hostess with.

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I have several long-time friends who are very dear to me.  We see each other often and there is no conflict worth mentioning.  

 

Every Christmas we have a Christmas party -- just adults.  Only 8 people, so not a huge party.  

 

I love to cook.  I'm a very good cook.  I love to host parties.  They don't enjoy cooking.  They rarely cook and stress out and complain when they have to.  These are frozen pizza, taco-seasoning-in-an-envelope, boxed cake mix kinds of gals and I love them just the way they are.  

 

So, I offer to host the Christmas party.  To me, that means I'll prepare the food and everyone can just come and enjoy themselves.  I will enjoy planning and shopping and cooking and serving a yummy, festive meal to my dear lovely friends and their husbands.  

 

But no.

 

They insist on bringing major parts of the meal.  They say, "I'll bring a salad/appetizer/dessert."  I say, "no, really, let me host -- I'd really enjoy it!  It'll be fun for me!"  

 

But they won't relent.  They say they'll feel "guilty."  They don't want me to "go to all that trouble."  

 

It isn't trouble to me!  It's a fun party!

 

I know my food is good.  I know they HATE cooking and resent bringing food.  So why won't they let me host them?  

 

FWIW,  I already gave in and am letting them bring food.  It's not worth anyone's feelings being hurt.  But why not just accept an invitation to a dinner party?

 

Just say "NO" and keep saying it. "My party, my food." "Thanks, but you're the guest. Just come." "NO."

 

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Can you redirect and get them to bring something else instead? Wine? Soda? A cheese to slice when they arrive? Flowers? I mean, hostess gifts are nice, but they shouldn't be part of the meal. Can you go with humor? "I want to cook for you and I'll be very offended if you bring more than yourself." Do they have talents that they enjoy giving more than food? Can they do a small centerpiece? Or bring their violin? Or make up a playlist for dinner music?

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Ask them for something very specific that they buy instead of make, like Peet's Dark French Roast coffee beans or Humboldt Fog cheese or Seven Deadly Zins.

Or ask them for decor--a bouquet for a 7 inch vase, or Advent candles, or an unscented red pillar candle.  

I think that if they hate to cook asking for something very specific gives them a shopping challenge and gives you the clear knowledge that you will get something you want or need.

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Do you just invite them by phone/word of mouth?

 

Next year, I'd make it very "official" and send them a written invitation that they can't argue.  In the invitation, you will say that the entire meal is provided, but they can bring a bottle of wine or an appetizer, if they wish.  Nothing else.

 

 

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If they insist, i think you should cook etc as if no one else is bringing anything and just add their stuff to the mix. It sound like only three things?

 

When I host I think through everything and never ask anyone to bring anything but some people always do...sigh.

 

One time a family came late and with all the food ready to go started asking me "do you have a cutting board and a knife?" etc. They brought the ingredients for their dish. When I tried to tell them no thanks, we're just about to eat they just dug through my kitchen for everything. Given that it was a buffet served from my small kitchen it held everything up. Ugh.

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Yes to both of these.

 

Just because you are a good cook does not mean that your friends won't want the security of knowing there will be something familiar/especially enjoyable to them. And sometimes people have food issues they don't want to talk about or wouldn't want to burden a hostess with.

 

I'm wondering about this. 

 

Whenever I invite someone new to my house, I ask if they have any dietary restrictions or strong dislikes.   People with allergies or other restrictions that can be hard to accommodate (such as celiac disease) usually offer to bring something.  "Well, I'm allergic to tomatoes but if they're in a salad I can just push them aside.  But if you're planning on something with tomato sauce, I'm happy to bring something I can eat."  "Honestly, since you ask, I despise seafood. So if you're having that I can bring a big salad to share."  (paraphrases from actual conversation.)  

 

Of course if someone is on  a restricted diet they are always welcome to bring their own food.  But I am equally happy to try to cook around their restrictions if possible.   Unless something is very difficult to work around, I'd still rather host and have my guests just be guests.

 

This is not related to the post quoted but thinking about this I'm wondering:  are some people just afraid that they will be faced with food that's not their favorite, so they maintain some control over the menu by insisting on bringing something?

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I never heard that.  I would not assume something like that.

 

The basis of human relationships is reciprocity. If you accept an invitation, you do have to reciprocate somehow. It doesn't have to be strictly quid pro quo, but you can't be the person who always goes to people's parties and never invites them anywhere.

 

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I'm wondering about this.

 

Whenever I invite someone new to my house, I ask if they have any dietary restrictions or strong dislikes. People with allergies or other restrictions that can be hard to accommodate (such as celiac disease) usually offer to bring something. "Well, I'm allergic to tomatoes but if they're in a salad I can just push them aside. But if you're planning on something with tomato sauce, I'm happy to bring something I can eat." "Honestly, since you ask, I despise seafood. So if you're having that I can bring a big salad to share." (paraphrases from actual conversation.)

 

Of course if someone is on a restricted diet they are always welcome to bring their own food. But I am equally happy to try to cook around their restrictions if possible. Unless something is very difficult to work around, I'd still rather host and have my guests just be guests.

 

This is not related to the post quoted but thinking about this I'm wondering: are some people just afraid that they will be faced with food that's not their favorite, so they maintain some control over the menu by insisting on bringing something?

I would guess so. And not everyone wants to talk about dietary restrictions or make the hostess feel like she needs to accommodate them; it can be easier to just quietly bring the gluten free crackers or whatever instead of make her stress out about them. Very few people know I'm vegetarian, and I'd be unlikely to mention it before a get together unless it was a formal dinner. I'd just quietly make do, you know?

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Well, these were interesting replies!  I especially like the "bring a cocktail" idea and I think I'll be using it.  That'll be fun and creative and won't hold things up if people arrive a bit late.

 

I also like the chocolate idea.  They all love chocolate and it would be fun to have a little chocolate tasting buffet to go with some red wine.  :)

 

And one of them always chooses beautiful flowers, so I may ask her to do that.  

 

I admit, I kind of long for the days when people had what I think of as real parties -- not just potlucks.  But, I'm willing to adjust!  Maybe I'll ask them to let me do a 'real' party for them for my birthday.    

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I would guess so. And not everyone wants to talk about dietary restrictions or make the hostess feel like she needs to accommodate them; it can be easier to just quietly bring the gluten free crackers or whatever instead of make her stress out about them. Very few people know I'm vegetarian, and I'd be unlikely to mention it before a get together unless it was a formal dinner. I'd just quietly make do, you know?

 

Also, people with major dietary restrictions may not trust others to cook for them without some sort of reasonable assurance that the person truly understands their needs and is really able to accommodate them. Someone who uses wheat flour regularly may simply not be able to safely cook for someone with celiac disease, for example. At least not with major cleaning. And how do you say "I don't trust your cooking" without risking offense? Insisting on bringing something may be the best way they can see to avoid the issue.

 

(Though it sounds to me, in OP's case, like it's just people aiming for social reciprocity.)

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I would tell them to bring a bottle of wine because they "always have such god taste in wine" (even if they don't), or ask them to get that delicious bakery bread or something else that's relatively harmless, or suggest flowers for the table because "they have such great taste in arrangements".  Basically, give them something to bring that's harmless and won't destroy your carefully-planned dinner.

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