Optimal age gap between kids

[Southern Ivy]

I know that this is completely dependent upon families, kids, etc. I know that there isn't a "perfect" gap - other than the age gap that is perfect for your family. That being said... 

Our first kiddo (now 2 1/2) was quite a surprise. We had a 3 year time frame for being out of debt, then we'd have kids and I could stay home.
However, our little diva showed up about 2 years too early. Whoops.   :) So, we are still on our debt free journey and that has obviously slowed down a bit due to medical bills and a few other things. The goal is that we'll try again when we're debt free (or a bit before the predicted debt-free day). 

By that time, my daughter will be around 5. Not exactly the age difference I wanted between her and her siblings, but I also don't think it will be horrible. Plus, she's rather stubborn, high maintenance, and VERY jealous of Mom and Dad, so maybe a few more years of maturity will help. Who knows.

Anyway, all that to ask - what's the average age gap for your kids? Any pros and cons you see? 

[athomeontheprairie]

Ok. I'll play. I have 9 and 7 year old girls. They pay so well together. I also have 2 and 1 year old boys. they will (eventually) play well together.

 

Two years is a good gap. The oldest was old enough that I want so completely exhausted when her sister was born. With the 1 year difference, I've been tired since it started :-).

 

The 5 year gap is too much for them to play and for BOTH to have fun for long periods of time (that isn't to day that don't enjoy each other).

 

Fwiw, my bils are 10, and 19 years younger than dh. My poor MIL has always had a kid at home. Having them spread out definitely gave them more money to spend per child. But... Its different. They are not the close siblings MIL originally wanted.

[vonfirmath]

I don't know how to answer. The age gap between our kids is 4 years. But I still believe the optimal age gap is 21 months (2 years)

 

[marbel]

My kids are 18 months apart.  I can't say that's ideal, because it's all I know.   They have been close ever since the younger was able to actually start to play with her older brother.  Prior to that, she was just a boring blob.  

 

I know some kids who are 5 years apart and are very close.  My siblings and I are all 5 years apart, and we are not super close now, though we have been in the past and we might be again.  Some of that is due to personalities and not age, I think. 

 

And I know some kids who are closer in age but not close at all.   Come to think of it, my sister has 4 kids.  The oldest and youngest are very close - I think there is a 9 year difference between them.  The 2 middle kids are a year apart and they are not close at all.  

[Jenn121]

Specifing because I answered other. :)

 

Hannah was 6 years 11 months old when Rachel was born. Rachel was 6 years 1 month when Sarah was born. 

 

[AK_Mom4]

None of the above.  I don't think there is a "perfect" gap.  We did the "fairly close together" - less than 2 years apart for the older kids and we also did the "large gap" - 6 years for the last one.  Both ways have been right.

[Ottakee]

We have 7 1/2 years between ds and 1st dd and then 14 months between 1st dd and 2nd dd...........but we got them all in 15 months time span.  Ds came first, then a few months later dd came at 7 1/2 months old and then 7 months later 2nd dd came at 2 days old (girls are full bios).  It was very busy when they were younger (we also often had another foster baby in between them in ages) but they are very close and get along very well.

 

My sister and I are 2 years apart and I thought that was a bad gap as she was just enough younger to really bug me and want to do everything with me but not close enough to be close.  It might have been very different personalities though as well.

[hjffkj]

My oldest 2 are 17 months apart.  The third is roughly 3 years younger than the middle child but that happened because I had a miscarriage between the two of them.  I'm expecting my next in Feb so that one will be 2 years younger than my current youngest.  

 

I have no cons with these age gaps.  I wanted my children close in age so I wouldn't get out of one stage and feel like I was starting all over.  I also wanted them to be close in age developmentally so they had someone they could play with on roughly the same level as them.  So far it has worked out wonderfully.

 

For me personally, I would hate a 5 year age gap between my 2 youngest because I don't transition well to huge changes and going from being out of toddler/infant stage and then being thrown back into it would affect me very badly.

[gardenmom5]

if you don't include dudeling - the average gap is just over three years.  I hadn't planned on them being that far apart - that's how they came.

 

biggest gap is 12 1/2 years.  1dd said it was because he needed to be surrounded by adults.

[Jerico]

I wish we would have stuck with our plan for

2 close together (2 ish years or less) and then a 5 ish year gap before having two more close.

 

However, if we would have done that, i may not have had my third.

 

Somedays I wish mine were farther apart but then again, I am glad the pregnancy and baby days are over.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I am 6 years older then my next sibling, we rarely had anything in common growing up. By the time she was old enough to play, I had moved on to the next level of play.  I was her minder and she wanted to do everything I did.  She was a PITA and always got her way, squeaky wheel.  I have another sister 10 years younger, we really had nothing in common.  I treated her like a doll when she was a baby.  I was also very responsible for her especially when my mother got sick (I was 11-ish).  I hated all the responsibility and restrictions, if sisters couldn't go/do then neither could I.  The youngest sister and I are now extremely close, best friends.  My middle sister has not always been a good sister but she is trying much harder now and we all appreciate it.  

My children are 2 years apart and although they are opposite genders they get along great, and even though they will not admit it they are best friends.  This is probably due to HSing as much as their personalities.  

So all of that to say.... it really depends.  I love my sisters but I do wish I'd had a sibling closer in age.  We had nothing in common until we were grown.  My children get along great but many who are close in age do not.  If your child is the jealous type then I would wait until she can have a say/be involved with the baby.  I was the attention hog jealous type and my parents involved me in as much as they could.  I got to choose middle sisters middle name (Marie because it was 1981 and I loved Donny and Marie). You just have to be careful not to make the oldest a "3rd parent".

[justme824]

My older two are 7-years apart - not by choice - we tried hard to have another the entire time. They are extremely close. My newborn is 3-years younger than my middle. Can't really speak for that gap given it has been just a few weeks now. I'm on the fence about a 4th, but if so I hope to have the next one a touch closer than 3-years.

[Amira]

Mine are 19 months and 7 years apart. Both gaps have really good things about them and some things that aren't so good. I didn't plan for the second to come so soon after the first, or the third to come so many years after the second so I personally couldn't do much about planning an optimal gap (not, like you said, that there is one).

 

I don't think I would choose to have a gap of more than three or four years.

[MomtoCandJ]

Dd1 and dd2 are 5 yrs and 3 days shy of 2 months apart. For the most part it's working out great except the whole Christmas gift dilemma

[freesia]

My oldest 3 are about 2 years apart (2yrs 2 mo and 2yrs 4 mo). Then I have a 4 year gap (miscarriage, intercountry move, unemployment). I prefer the shorter spacing. But you know what? It is what it is. Families come in all sorts of sizes and spacing for many reasons. I used to think I could do everything the "wisest" way. But there are so many variable. The last 2 get along the least well of all my kids--but that could have happened bc of personality, too. My first 2 get along amazingly well--that isn't the 2 year gap---it's personality. And my 2 that get on the least well still play a lot together and really do love each other.

[Tangerine]

The way we did it wasn't planned at all. It's just sort of how we roll. The first 2 are less than 2 years apart. They are ridiculously close. Sometimes I have to force them to have some time separate from each other. Then a six year gap. Now another 3 year gap. I would have liked to have a smaller gap between the last two, but a rough pregnancy, c-section, and then gallstones made me give my body a rest. It's all pretty random and it all seems to be working out alright.

[zoobie]

My two oldest were born 22 mos apart, then number three was born 7 years later, and four (surprise!) 22 mos later. Having big kids to help was nice, but it's harder juggling big and little kid stuff.

 

I don't think there's an optimal spacing. Also, no matter what spacing you plan, you could wind up with something entirely different. I wouldn't delay having kids purely for financial reasons unless there were dire straits. That's another thing that never seems to go as planned!

[Mbelle]

My older 2 are 2 years apart.  Then 3rd child born 10 years after 2nd child.  I would prefer to have them closer together and to have 4 + children, but that didn't happen.

 

You will be out of debt one day, and it really might be easier for y'all to wait, but being on the older side of fertility I wish I had not waited.

[MrsMommy]

16 months between DS1 and DD1, 16 months between DD1 and DS2, 18 months (to the day) between DS2 and DD2, and almost five years between DD2 and DD3 (and, no, she was not an accident!).

 

I feel a little bad that DD3 doesn't have a "buddy" close to her age, and I love how close the first four are. But, it's also been nice to have children who can actually help out with the little one!

[Ellie]

I voted 3 years. A 3yo mostly has language, is probably potty trained, and can feed himself pretty much, which makes having a baby much easier (if there is such a thing, lol).

[TechWife]

I voted "other" because our son doesn't have siblings. 

[freesia]

16 months between DS1 and DD1, 16 months between DD1 and DS2, 18 months (to the day) between DS2 and DD2, and almost five years between DD2 and DD3 (and, no, she was not an accident!).

 

I feel a little bad that DD3 doesn't have a "buddy" close to her age, and I love how close the first four are. But, it's also been nice to have children who can actually help out with the little one!

Yes, this is kinda how I feel about our 4 year gap. I love how close the first 3 are and, although they do play with my youngest, it isn't quite the same. I wish I could have handled having another one as a buddy for her. But she is happy as can be--she doesn't seem to miss her close age playmate.

 

I LOVED having older helpers. And now--babysitters!

[Lolly]

Babies in my life have refused to be scheduled. It took us what seemed like forever to get our first here. We figured it would take a long time for #2. Only, it didn't. First try. Twins. So, less than 2 years and then mere minutes. Considering we had assistance to get the girls here, we didn't really worry about it. It took a man, a woman, a doctor, medicine, and lots of ultrasounds to make a baby. I told dh if he didn't want more that he needed to do something about it. I had been through enough. Plus, I wanted more. So, here comes ds when the twins were 2. Honestly, it has worked out much better than anything I could have planned. The kids are all closer than I could have ever imagined siblings being. The girls are best friends. When the first one came back from college, he slept on their room on the floor that weekend. It was really sweet.

[Guest]

I voted "other".

 

My kids are 26, 25, 22, and six. I typed out my youngest child's age in words so you wouldn't think that was a typo.

 

I was very pleasantly surprised by the sibling relationships with the humongous age gap. They are practically a generation apart, but they are very much siblings.

 

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Five years may not be your ideal any more than twenty years was mine, but it will be okay. One caveat, though:

 

I am guessing from the photo in your avatar that you are fairly young. If I am mistaken, please be aware that fertility declines precipitously in our 40s. The celebrities you see having babies at 45-50 are not using their own eggs and they are spending lots of money on medical assistance that you and I cannot afford.

[catz]

My brother and I are 19 months apart.  During our childhood we alternated between close and at each other's throats.  We were pretty close our teen years and early adulthood.  Until he married someone not at all interested in our family.

 

My kids are almost 4 years apart.  They are close and get along for the most part.  But they both definitely have their own friends and interests.  We'll see how that carries forward.

 

I think anything can work or not work well depending on the temperaments of parents and kids involved in correlation with timing how the rest of your life is going.  I think things tend to go better when parents aren't stressed and are able to enjoyably connect with all the kids involved.  My brother and I were very close in age, but I was always forced to be the big kid and do things for the younger.  I personally think kids that are close in age should be treated more like twins in terms of expectations.

 

Actually, some of the best advice I ever got before I had kids was from a mom who had a couple kind of widely spaced kids (I think 5/6 years) and also did home daycare.  When she had a group of kids, she'd average the age and that is what would be the behavioral expectation from the entire group.  It kept from pitting kids against each other.  So I've always done the same thing with my 2 kids.  I have high expectations for both kids at all times.  We're trying to get to the same place with both kids and by constantly making concessions for the "baby", you don't do baby any favors.  My brother in his 40's is still struggling to be an independent adult.

[Mrs Mungo]

I voted other. My kids are 2 1/2 years apart. But, I don't think there is an optimal separation. I think different amounts of time have different pros and cons, but I don't think anything is optimal, just different.

[Guest]

I said 3 years, because I personally like things about that spacing, however the way spacing played out IRL had nothing to do with my wishes and everything to do with how my hand was dealt. There are pros and cons to every variation and I don't think very many people get it exactly as they wish. I would not have wished for a five-year-gap between any of my kids, but The Powers That Be worked it out that way. So - dealing with what IS, rather than what I wished for, there are some nice things about that age difference after all. My youngest was the highest maintenance and it was fortunate that I could devote a lot to him.

[creekland]

I loved having mine as close in age as there were/are.  There is 2 years and 20 days between oldest and middle and 19 months between middle and youngest.  It was tough in the beginning when they were very young  but extremely ideal afterward.  They grew up loving their years together and generally being old enough to enjoy the same activities.

 

In hindsight I wouldn't have done it any differently (though to be honest, God decided upon our third boy - we were content with the two).

[Dory]

I voted 2 years, but really I like it at about 1 1/2 years.

 

I also think that really far apart, like a second family works ok. My best friendships with siblings are with the ones closest to me in age and the ones that are really really far away. The ones in the middle I don't get along with.

[Guest]

 I don't think very many people get it exactly as they wish.

 

:iagree:

 

When I joined my first DDCs with my littlest, it was a shocker to find out how many of the pregnancies were unplanned. I think the vast majority of people are, in spite of access to birth control.

 

My huge age gap was because I kept waiting for a better time to have a baby until it was almost too late and I couldn't wait any more.

 

I must have been either very courageous or temporarily insane, lol, but things have worked out and I'm so glad he's here in spite of not being able to afford Bravewriter, much less horseback riding lessons, lol.

 

[Cindy in FL.]

With the exception of the 13 year difference between 1 & 2, mine are all 18 mos- 2 years apart. I like that gap.

[Tsuga]

When I first had children, I thought 2.5 years was optimal based on studies of IQ, etc.

 

But when I had two children under four spaced 2.5 years apart, I thought 18 years might have been a better choice.

 

I say do what comes naturally. ;)

 

ETA--I know a lot of families with a five-year gap and I can say one thing--kindergarteners are absolutely ADORABLE with babies. Kindergarteners are still chubby-cheeked, knee-dimpled little whirling balls of silliness themselves, but they are much more reliable and empathetic than three year olds. So there are definitely pros to a five-year spread. Plus 99.9% of them are toilet trained, eat with a fork, and can be sent to public school for at least a half day if you need to rest. That's HUGE.

[gardenmom5]

I believe everyone should get to be a baby and I have strong feelings that the ideal gap is about 3 yrs.  Not 2.  Two is common and imo it is exhausting.

 

in the last two days, I've had young mothers in my home with >2 year age gaps with 3 and 4 children respectively.  they were both overwhelmed, and on the verge of tears at times.  all I could do was reassure them that this stage too would pass, and while they are demanding now - many things can be placed aside (iow: don't worry about not having a pristine house), because the kids have to be cared for. the dr of one ordered her to get out of the house two nights a week (when her dh was home.)  she doesn't even know what to do . . . (she misses pottery, so I suggested that would be a good time  to go do some.  she's so burned out, she can't even think straight and it never occurred to her.)

[BrittanyM]

In my family I am the eldest and my brother is 3 1/2 yrs younger, than 2 yrs to my 1st sister, than 2 yrs 5 mo to the next sister and then 3 yrs 3 mo to the last. Those siblings that were closer had a more natural relationship in my experience. My brother and I and my last two sisters with the bigger gaps fought like crazy. Once we were all in our preteens we got along much better and became good friends. Now I am closest to my sister who is 7 yrs younger and my youngest sister. My sister who is 5 yrs younger is a little harder due to personality differences but we're still friends just not super close.

 

My older two kids are 2 yrs apart (as you know :)) then my two boys were going to be 2 yrs 3mo before the younger was stillborn and now my son and youngest are 3 yrs 9mo apart. The older two are super close and play really well together considering and they both adore their little sister. It will be interesting to see how they relate to her later. It wasn't what I planned or hoped for but it's how it worked out.

[PeachyDoodle]

My two are almost exactly 5 1/2 years apart. It was a little further than we'd initially planned, but not by much. Dh and I both came from families with wider age gaps.

 

Pros:

• Each of them had their own time to be the "baby" of the family, which I really liked. I don't think *I* would have been able to handle more than one in the baby/toddler stage at a time (other people do this quite well, but it would have been too stressful for me).
• I think the gap helps some with sibling rivalry, but that may also be because of their differing genders, or just their personalities. Dd was a great help with the new baby, and very proud to be able to care for him. We didn't run into any jealousy/adjustment issues whatsoever. YMMV, of course.
• Dd still enjoys teaching ds new things, and he goes to her for help as often as he comes to one of us. She has been able to watch him, take him out in the yard, etc. for a couple of years. She looks out for him, and I am never anxious about leaving them with a sitter, etc. because I know she will make sure he's taken care of.

 

Cons:

• It really is like starting over. We were long done with all the baby-stage stuff with dd (diapers, bottles, having to watch every second to make sure she didn't get into something, potty-training) by the time ds came along. Life had become so much easier in terms of being able to pick up and go, etc. We briefly discussed the fact that we might be one and done. But we knew deep down that wasn't true. Now that ds is 4, we are finally getting back to that easier phase, but I can understand why some folks prefer to have them closer together and not drag it out.
• I would not say my two are playmates; they are at different stages and have very different interests (again, not entirely age-related, but it's definitely a factor). They have become a little more-so in the past year as ds has been able to play on dd's level, but it won't be long before she's into the pre-teen, too-cool-to-play stage. However, they do enjoy some activities together, like watching movies, playing games, etc. Overall, I would say they enjoy each other's company. I certainly hope they will continue to be close as they grow up.

 

Whatever your age range is, your family will adjust to it, and it will be normal for you. There are lots of factors that go into making the decision to add to your family and, for me, this one is lower on the list. I have one friend who is 12 years younger than her sister (none in between), and they are best friends. I have another who is 2 years older than his sister, and they can barely be in the same room. There are so many things you can do to foster positive family relationships, however your family looks; I wouldn't stress too much over the age gap for its own sake. Good luck!

[Elisabet1]

The spacing and the age gap I would prefer are not the same. You titled this optimal age gap, but then the question you asked is how are our children spaced. I do not like the spacing I have at all. I think really close together is best. Maybe even in twos. I wish mine were not 20 years from the first to last too as I feel like I will always be raising children. My middle ones are 2y8m apart and they never have anything in common and do not do much together. My oldest were 17 months apart and my youngest are 2 yrs apart and that seems good. The closer the better. 

[Tsuga]

Actually, some of the best advice I ever got before I had kids was from a mom who had a couple kind of widely spaced kids (I think 5/6 years) and also did home daycare.  When she had a group of kids, she'd average the age and that is what would be the behavioral expectation from the entire group.  It kept from pitting kids against each other.

 

That is so smart. Between our four kids, then, we should expect the behavior of a nine year old. Nine is a good age!

[Ali in OR]

You know, the thread title is different than the poll question. A lot of us don't/didn't have much control over our fertility or lack thereof. I'm thrilled to have my 3 girls who average 3 years apart. I would have "willed' them closer together if it had been in my power, but I'm just happy to have them and thankful they came when they did! The youngest are about 2.5 years apart and are great companions despite very different personalities.

[happypamama]

I have:

2y11m

3y8m

2y9m

2y1m

 

So, average of about three years, except for the last two. I thought I wanted them closer together, but three years actually worked out well. My older two are still able to be peers. My second child really needed some extra time to be the baby, so that gap worked out well. He's a great big brother, and he and my third child are buddies, although we do tend to have a distinction between the older two and three little boys. The almost three years between my third and fourth is pretty perfect, but part of that is that my middle child is an adaptable sort of child, happy to be includes as either big or little. He adores his next youngest brother, and they're very much best buddies. Child four is a quiet, snuggly little guy that everyone pets on and dotes on, and his motto has always been "me too," so anytime child three wants to do something, child four wants to be at his elbow.

 

25 months between the last two was hard on me, because I wasn't used to being pregnant with a young toddler. It was hard on me not to be able to nurse him for very long or toss him on my back. I worried that he'd be jealous of the baby, being so young and very much a baby himself. My big kids really stepped up, especially DD and child 3, to help with toddler four when I was pregnant, and he wasn't jealous of the new baby at all. He utterly adores the baby, and the baby, in return, adores his next biggest brother and looks for him first in the morning. As the baby gets more toddler like (he's almost 15 months), he and child four are easily buddies.

 

Still, I'd opt for just under three years or so if we were to have another (and if we were to plan another, LOL), but part of that is that four and five were July and August babies, and I never want to do that to myself again, so I'd attempt to plan a little better, like late spring or even fall. My only fall babe is number three, and that was so nice.

 

I think so much has to do with the kids, though. It was probably good for number two to be the baby longer, but probably good for number four not to be the baby as long, just based on their personalities. And number three would find his way even if he were a twin.

 

ETA: I'm very much a baby person. I love babies and diapers and feedings and slinging and all of that. I've loved that just as one child outgrew babyhood, I've had another baby, so I've pretty much had a baby around for almost thirteen years, and I've loved it!

[DesertBlossom]

There is definitely not a "right" answer. I have a 12 month gap, 21 months, 21 months and 3 years. (My first 4 kids were born in 4 1/2 years) We did not mean to have them that close together. I tell people I don't recommend. it. :) However, I LOVE that they are such good playmates. Who need friends when you have so many siblings so close in age? :)  After #4 there is almost a 3 year gap and I LOVE IT! I felt like I got to enjoy #4 so much as a baby and toddler. I also love the way my older kids dote on the baby. There may be a #6 in our future and I'm thinking I want at least a 3 year gap as well. While I like that my older kids are close in age, it was really hard (and still is) and I want to space the next one out.

[AndyJoy]

I intended to have a smaller gap, but a miscarriage made it just shy of 4 years. It's been pretty amazingly wonderful. Some of it is probably personality, but we've had zero jealousy, DS is protective and playful with DD, and he is old enough to amuse himself when I have to be with her. They adore each other and I couldn't be happier at this point.

[Sue in WI]

I said other. There are 24 months between my first two, and 19 months between the 2nd and the 3rd. There are 6 years between the 3rd and the 4th. The age gap between the first two was "planned".

 

Sue

[Sue in WI]

Oops. Forgot to say which gap I preferred. The gap between the first 2 was easier than when the the third was born, but I think alot of that had to do with having 3 boys under 4. When dd was born, the boys were very helpful, especially my oldest. They all get along fairly well. Ds 10 gets along better with ds 11 than ds 13 does, but it definitely is a personality thing. Dd gets along well with everyone.

 

Sue

[wendyroo]

I have one brother who is just shy of 5 years younger than me.  My mom liked that spacing because by the time my brother came along I was independent in many things and within a few months of his birth I started full day kindergarten so she had a lot of time with the baby (just as she had had a lot of time with me as a baby).

 

I was not as enamored with the five year gap.  I had had a lot of time to revel in my only child status and I was not happy about giving it up.  It seemed my brother was always swinging a sword near me or accidentally careening off me while I was trying to read or write.  He and I never had shared friends or interests...we never even went to the same school since I was in middle school by the time he started kindergarten.  Outings, activities and vacations always had to be geared more for his age or more for my age or more for the nebulous middle that meant it didn't really suit either of us well.  As kids we fought like dogs and cats.  During the summers I was home from college I don't think we said more than a couple words to each other total.  Finally, when I moved back to the state after college I started to see him as having some redeeming qualities...still, we aren't very close because we are at very different stages of life.

 

My kids are each spaced exactly (to the day) 26 months apart.  I like that spacing.

 

Wendy

[Mimm]

11 years seems to be awesome. My first two are 18 months apart and it was really hard. But both girls so, built in playmate. Then eleven year gap. My 12 year old adores her baby sister and makes my life so much easier. 13 year old is in a really selfish phase so isn't as into her. So based on my sample size of two (age gaps), I prefer 11 years over 18 months. ;-)

[Mimm]

I guess that would be three age gaps, gap between oldest and youngest isn't ideal on my family. In reality I believe this is a personality thing.

[Hikin' Mama]

I chose other. I think it all depends on the kids and the family. Unfortunately, you won't know anything about the kids until after they are born. My first two are 3 years apart and my 2nd and 3rd are 2.5 years apart. That's just how it happened and it's fine for us. I can't really say that some other situation would have been better or worse.

[Farrar]

Mine are two minutes apart. I find that to be pretty darn optimal... at least after about age three.

[mom2scouts]

There is no best age gap.  My first two are less than two years apart, my third was born four years later, my fourth was seven years later, and another arrived four years after that.  We did not have the option of planning spacing between our children.  There were both benefits and drawbacks to having them close together, a few years apart, and very far apart.

[Luanne]

I voted three years.  From what I've seen in my own family (with my siblings) and friends (and their families), my answer would have been less than 2 years or 3 or more years.  My brother who is 2 years and 2 months older than I am seemed to be jealous of my existence.  We had several families in our neighborhood growing up who had two children 3 years apart and all of them got along great.  My sister and brothers are all very close in age (16 month difference and 19 month difference) and they have always been close.