Another etiquette question, sort of.

[Alice]

So this is sort of an etiquette/fashion/relationship what would you do question...

 

We were invited to the bat mitzvah of the daughter of one of the other doctor's in my practice. I've known the Mom, I'll call her T. a long time (10+ years) and we are colleagues and friendly but not really friends. We don't hang out outside of work, we don't really have much in common other than our professions. I was not invited to her first daughter's bat mitzvah (only relevant to give you an idea of our level of relationship). 

 

We were honored to be invited and excited to go. We accepted. It's in two weeks. Party part of celebration is at night at a Country Club. The initial invitation was addressed to Alice and Family and the reply card had a space for # of children coming. I made a comment at work about how much my daughter liked the invitation (it was very glittery) and T. quickly replied that the celebration was adult's only. I understood. I think the reply card had children meaning for friends of girl having bat mitzvah or possibly for other closer friends/family. We arranged a babysitter for party. (Again, only really relevant as background.) 

 

Yesterday I got an email (that went to everyone going to bat mitzvah) with information about the event. Although a bit odd, I can understand it as I'm sure many people have never been to a bat mitzvah and it's probably easier for T. to send a mass email answering all the questions than to reply to everyone asking (what is a bat mitzvah, how long is the ceremony, etc). In the email she clarified the dress for the ceremony and for the party. For the party she requests "a formal evening dress, floor length not required". 

 

And there is my problem. I have nothing remotely in that category. The invitation did say "cocktail attire" but I admit to not really knowing what that meant. I have some nice silk pants and a few nice velvet tops and a velvet skirt and I thought some combo of those would be ok. None of them really are things that I would think of as "formal evening wear". 

 

At this point, my inclination is to now decline the invitation. I know that might be rude so close to the event but I'm really don't want to go out and buy a new dress for this occasion. I don't want to spend the money and I just don't feel like I have the time to shop that it would take to find something. My husband thinks I'm silly and should just wear whatever I have but I think that if the required dress was so specifically spelled out it's rude to ignore that. It would be one thing to cluelessly wear the wrong thing but another to ignore very specific instructions. 

 

So...what would you do? I think I've made up my mind but out of curiosity....should I/would you....

*Wear what I can from my closet and not worry about it. Unlikely anyone will notice anyway.

*It's a big event, we're honored to be invited. Go out and look for a dress. 

*Decline the invitation. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'd wear what you have.  It sounds fine. 

 

I've been to one of these ceremonies years ago.  People dress basically how they dress to a wedding.  I'd think anything aside from something like jeans would work. 

 

 

[Elisabet1]

I would decline. Make a good excuse though, don't make an issue of the dress thing to her.

 

Thing is, you are not obligated to buy a dress for this. But also, I would not show up in pants after her email was so specific. This event is clearly a huge deal and it is best to not go against instructions you received.

[Okra]

I would wear the nice pants.  I don't think you will be the only one wearing pants.  People worry more so about themselves.  Most people are not so worried about what others are wearing.

 

Please don't let this stop you from going.

[Garga]

What does the velvet skirt look like?  Do you have a fancy top to go with the velvet skirt?  Do you have fancy shoes?  Shoes can change everything.

[Laurie]

I'm just curious about the invitation "process".   I don't understand how she can send you an invitation that  includes your "family" (rather than just your spouse/guest  ) and there's even a space for the number of children, but then she basically uninvites your daughter?   This seems very rude to me, or were there separate inivitations sent for the ceremony and for the party at the country club?  

 

If only one invitation was sent to somehow cover both events but with different guest lists which requires verbally modifying the invitation...then I think the woman is very rude and I wouldn't buy a new dress just to fulfill her requirements. 

 

[Catwoman]

Don't go.

 

Everyone else will be wearing a gown and you will feel out of place and awkward.

 

But... you might be able to pick up a very nice evening gown at Goodwill or a thrift store, so it might be worth taking a quick look before you decline the invitation.

 

We attend a lot of formal events, and it's rare that someone doesn't honor the suggested dress code.

[kiwik]

Can you borrow a dress?

[MarinesWife]

I'd go in what you own.

 

Did you already send the RSVP card back in including your daughter?

[violamama]

I would go because by now they have probably ordered catering and such and because you will continue to have a professional relationship with this person after the party. If you decline, there should be an excuse involving specific reasons. An unexpected obligation in your husband's schedule, perhaps? And of course send the gift anyway.

 

A velvet skirt (I'm assuming it's a dark solid color), solid color silk or similar material shirt, fancy up-do hair & classy make-up, simple jewelry (I get costume jewelry at Goodwill all the time) and nice formal shoes. It doesn't take much to make a velvet skirt formal. 

[Cammie]

Wear the velvet skirt  - go and have a lovely time!  We worry so much about ourselves that we forget that everyone else is worrying about themselves and hardly anyone will be worried about how you are dressed!! You are not going to show up in jeans (ok, then people might notice!) 

[SereneHome]

I wouldn't go.

 

I wouldn't want to wear "whatever", but I also wouldn't want to deal with the hassle of finding the "right" thing to wear for an event that is not that special to me.

 

Unless done by Orthodox Jews, Bat Mitzvah is nothing more than a fancy party.  This is  not a CIA operation where I should be given a list of instructions.  I found the whole "adults only, but space for # of children" thing on invitation is rude as well.

 

So, I would decline and send a card.

[Mrs Mungo]

I would go because by now they have probably ordered catering and such and because you will continue to have a professional relationship with this person after the party. If you decline, there should be an excuse involving specific reasons. An unexpected obligation in your husband's schedule, perhaps? And of course send the gift anyway.

 

A velvet skirt (I'm assuming it's a dark solid color), solid color silk or similar material shirt, fancy up-do hair & classy make-up, simple jewelry (I get costume jewelry at Goodwill all the time) and nice formal shoes. It doesn't take much to make a velvet skirt formal.

I agree. I think it's rude to rescind your affirmative RSVP at this late date without a real reason.

[FriedClams]

I would go and dress as fancy as you can with what you have. I cannot tell you the number of times a host look relieved to see me show up for an event. SO MANY people bail at the last minute these days - even after affirming with an RSVP. You commited to attending. They've counted on your attendance and likely paid for your food and drink already. I think barring a major emergency it's extremely rude to bail. Sorry. And honestly, your outfit sounds stunning. Bling it up. You'll look great and the hostess will be thankful you took the time to celebrate with them!

 

 

ETA - The hostess may just be being helpful with dress code. I know I would be one of the "I've never been to one of these what should I wear?" calls she got! Maybe she got enough she just thought it would be helpful to clarify. Go. Enjoy. Celebrate. Once you get there no one will care what you're wearing.

[Alice]

Ok, now I'm less decided. :) 

 

I'm not going to multiquote everyone but to clarify...

 

*There was one invitation with the envelope addressed to me and Family. There was one response card for space for # of children attending and choices of food. Initially we assumed we were all invited and would have filled it out that way but I made the comment to her about my daughter liking the invitation before I sent back the RSVP card. So when I sent it back I just replied for me and husband. I do think the way she did the invitations was odd but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know she's been really stressed about the whole event and her older daughter applying to colleges. Maybe there were two types of response cards that made it clear that the party was only for adults for some of those invited and we got the wrong one. Maybe she just poorly thought it out. I'm not sure what she would have done if I'd replied as all the kids coming like I would have done if I hadn't happened to say something to her. 

 

*She's a bit of a snob and more uptight than me. Every single time I work with her she finds some way to comment on my appearance, in sort of a helpful way but it's critical. Like "oh, you have a spot of lipstick on your teeth" or "oh, I'm just going to tuck your tag in for you" or "oh, there's a hair on your sweater, let me remove it". I'm making it sound like a bigger deal than it is but I think it's why I'm more worried about the dress thing. I think she is the type of person who will notice if I'm wearing something that doesn't quite fit the standard.

 

* I have worked with her a long time and will continue to work with her for a long time, unless something unforeseen happens. I'm really trying to figure out which will be more upsetting to her ...wearing the wrong thing or backing out at this late date. I know if it was my event I'd rather have people there dressed however, but I'm not sure she's of the same mind. 

 

I think at this point I'm going to ask the other people in my office going what they think. Several of them went to the last bat mitzvah and maybe they have more insight. There are several high-end consignment shops in our town so I'll look there and see if I find something. 

 

I may even just ask T. Although we're not truly friends, we've worked together and known each other a long time. I kind of roll my eyes at her snobbiness and she probably rolls her eyes at my social awkwardness. :) That might just be the best solution. 

 

[Ellie]

So this is sort of an etiquette/fashion/relationship what would you do question...

 

We were invited to the bat mitzvah of the daughter of one of the other doctor's in my practice. I've known the Mom, I'll call her T. a long time (10+ years) and we are colleagues and friendly but not really friends. We don't hang out outside of work, we don't really have much in common other than our professions. I was not invited to her first daughter's bat mitzvah (only relevant to give you an idea of our level of relationship). 

 

We were honored to be invited and excited to go. We accepted. It's in two weeks. Party part of celebration is at night at a Country Club. The initial invitation was addressed to Alice and Family and the reply card had a space for # of children coming. I made a comment at work about how much my daughter liked the invitation (it was very glittery) and T. quickly replied that the celebration was adult's only. I understood. I think the reply card had children meaning for friends of girl having bat mitzvah or possibly for other closer friends/family. We arranged a babysitter for party. (Again, only really relevant as background.) 

 

Yesterday I got an email (that went to everyone going to bat mitzvah) with information about the event. Although a bit odd, I can understand it as I'm sure many people have never been to a bat mitzvah and it's probably easier for T. to send a mass email answering all the questions than to reply to everyone asking (what is a bat mitzvah, how long is the ceremony, etc). In the email she clarified the dress for the ceremony and for the party. For the party she requests "a formal evening dress, floor length not required". 

 

And there is my problem. I have nothing remotely in that category. The invitation did say "cocktail attire" but I admit to not really knowing what that meant. I have some nice silk pants and a few nice velvet tops and a velvet skirt and I thought some combo of those would be ok. None of them really are things that I would think of as "formal evening wear". 

 

At this point, my inclination is to now decline the invitation. I know that might be rude so close to the event but I'm really don't want to go out and buy a new dress for this occasion. I don't want to spend the money and I just don't feel like I have the time to shop that it would take to find something. My husband thinks I'm silly and should just wear whatever I have but I think that if the required dress was so specifically spelled out it's rude to ignore that. It would be one thing to cluelessly wear the wrong thing but another to ignore very specific instructions. 

 

So...what would you do? I think I've made up my mind but out of curiosity....should I/would you....

*Wear what I can from my closet and not worry about it. Unlikely anyone will notice anyway.

*It's a big event, we're honored to be invited. Go out and look for a dress. 

*Decline the invitation. 

 

By definition, "formal" means "floor length," so she's off to begin with.

 

You've already said you were coming so you're stuck. :-) Wear your dressiest dress and call it good.

 

[FriedClams]

Ok, now I'm less decided. :)

 

I'm not going to multiquote everyone but to clarify...

 

*There was one invitation with the envelope addressed to me and Family. There was one response card for space for # of children attending and choices of food. Initially we assumed we were all invited and would have filled it out that way but I made the comment to her about my daughter liking the invitation before I sent back the RSVP card. So when I sent it back I just replied for me and husband. I do think the way she did the invitations was odd but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know she's been really stressed about the whole event and her older daughter applying to colleges. Maybe there were two types of response cards that made it clear that the party was only for adults for some of those invited and we got the wrong one. Maybe she just poorly thought it out. I'm not sure what she would have done if I'd replied as all the kids coming like I would have done if I hadn't happened to say something to her.

 

*She's a bit of a snob and more uptight than me. Every single time I work with her she finds some way to comment on my appearance, in sort of a helpful way but it's critical. Like "oh, you have a spot of lipstick on your teeth" or "oh, I'm just going to tuck your tag in for you" or "oh, there's a hair on your sweater, let me remove it". I'm making it sound like a bigger deal than it is but I think it's why I'm more worried about the dress thing. I think she is the type of person who will notice if I'm wearing something that doesn't quite fit the standard.

 

* I have worked with her a long time and will continue to work with her for a long time, unless something unforeseen happens. I'm really trying to figure out which will be more upsetting to her ...wearing the wrong thing or backing out at this late date. I know if it was my event I'd rather have people there dressed however, but I'm not sure she's of the same mind.

 

I think at this point I'm going to ask the other people in my office going what they think. Several of them went to the last bat mitzvah and maybe they have more insight. There are several high-end consignment shops in our town so I'll look there and see if I find something.

 

I may even just ask T. Although we're not truly friends, we've worked together and known each other a long time. I kind of roll my eyes at her snobbiness and she probably rolls her eyes at my social awkwardness. :) That might just be the best solution.

Sorry. You gave your word that you would attend. You should go.

[kitten18]

I think it's a good idea to ask others in your office what they are wearing, what was worn at the last event.

 

 

I also think if the invitation said "cocktail attire" you should be able to wear a cocktail dress.

[Library Momma]

First of all I agree that if the invitation includes your family on the address then your family should be invited.  It's bizarre that it wasn't the case. 

 

When I RSVP to any evening affair, whether it is a wedding or Bar Mitzvah, I assume it is semi-formal or formal.  Formal usually implies long dresses and tuxes but with cocktail attire you can get away with a suit for your husband and a dress or any dressy outfit including pants.  Your velvet skirt and/or top would be perfect.

[kewb]

I wouldn't go.

 

I wouldn't want to wear "whatever", but I also wouldn't want to deal with the hassle of finding the "right" thing to wear for an event that is not that special to me.

 

Unless done by Orthodox Jews, Bat Mitzvah is nothing more than a fancy party

Wow, rude much. My family is not Orthodox and my children becoming a Bar and Bat Mitzvah was much more than a fancy party.

 

As for the OP's dilemma, if you want to attend the velvet skirt will be fine. I would not wear pants simply because you might be the only one and feel uncomfortable.

The host has been a bit rude about how she has handled things but that does not mean you get to be rude in return.

If you no longer want to attend back out now with a vague and plausibLe family obligation. Since it is two weeks out she may not have given her final head count to the caterer.

[skimomma]

I feel for you.  One of my biggest pet peeves is incorrectly assigning attire requests.  I was once invited to a 1pm wedding that specified "black tie attire."  That is not even acceptable before 7pm people!  It was terribly awkward because I would have felt silly dressing like that for a church wedding during daylight.  But would have also felt silly if I was the only one not wearing the specified attire.  Luckily this was before the RSVP and I simply declined.  Too much pressure.  I learned later that people showed up in everything from tuxedos to ratty jeans.  I know I was not the only to decline due to the request.  It would have been far better to not have specified anything.

 

In your case, I would go and just dress up the velvet skirt.  Or go to a shift store and grab a simple black dress that can be dressed up to be "formal" or dressed down to be functional for other purposes.  Everyone should have a little black dress in their arsenal anyway.  I have had the same one for 25 years.  It only gets put into service one every two years or so, but very handy to have on hand just in case.

[Alice]

I think it's a good idea to ask others in your office what they are wearing, what was worn at the last event.

 

 

I also think if the invitation said "cocktail attire" you should be able to wear a cocktail dress.

 

I agree, but I think the problem is I don't even know what "cocktail attire" means really. Our circles are much more casual and we don't typically go to these types of events. It's probably a whole other conversation but I wonder if these kinds of attire requests are just out-dated. It seems that a lot of people have different ideas of what they mean. We were invited to one event where the dress was stated as "Classy Business Casual" or something like that. I might have the wording wrong but whatever it was the words didn't seem to go together to me. Dh and I were both scratching our heads at that one.

 

As for the OP's dilemma, if you want to attend the velvet skirt will be fine. I would not wear pants simply because you might be the only one and feel uncomfortable.

The host has been a bit rude about how she has handled things but that does not mean you get to be rude in return.

If you no longer want to attend back out now with a vague and plausibLe family obligation. Since it is two weeks out she may not have given her final head count to the caterer.

 

I agree, I don't want to be rude. My thought of not going wasn't meant to be a "I'm tired of this and just not going to go" kind of response but just that I didn't read "formal evening dress" when the initial invitation said "cocktail attire" and that I'm trying to honor her request without being rude but also without breaking our budget to buy something new. 

[Library Momma]

I wouldn't go.

 

I wouldn't want to wear "whatever", but I also wouldn't want to deal with the hassle of finding the "right" thing to wear for an event that is not that special to me.

 

Unless done by Orthodox Jews, Bat Mitzvah is nothing more than a fancy party.  This is  not a CIA operation where I should be given a list of instructions.  I found the whole "adults only, but space for # of children" thing on invitation is rude as well.

 

So, I would decline and send a card.

 

 

Uh - How did I miss this.  That is pretty offensive.  That's like saying Christmas celebrated by people other than Catholics is just Santa and presents.  

[Alice]

Her exact words in the attire description included the word dress. Do not wear pants. At least, that is what I take from that. I understand feeling reluctant to attend now, but since you already sent off the RSVP with a "yes" I think you are sorta stuck. Unless you want to scramble to make up an excuse and tell her immediately. In which case, that could make things more awkward than just attending.

 

One year I went to a Christmas party and wore a velvet top and skirt. I was able to find matching black velvet heels at Wal-Mart or Payless. I still have them. I only wore them to that one event but I keep saying I may need them another day lol Anyway, my point is that you may be able to find something affordable to complete your outfit (whatever it may be... shoes, scarf, etc). Dress it up with jewelry. Maybe even a fancy hair clip or something.

 

I do like the idea of getting some thing to dress up what I have a bit more. That might work. 

[EKS]

At all of the bar mitzvahs (I haven't been to any bat mitzvahs) I've been to, appropriate attire was the same as what you might wear to a wedding.  If what you have would be appropriate for a wedding, I'd wear that.

 

As for the adults only thing--that seems more than a little weird, especially if it was addressed to all of you and there was a place on the invitation to indicate the number of children.

[catz]

I'd just wear what you have and dress it up as much as you can without spending a ton.  I'm sure you will not be the only one in a full length gown. 

 

I do agree including "and family" and then telling you that your child isn't included after the fact is a bit obnoxious.  But I also think it is obnoxious to RSVP yes and then not show or change your mind after the fact.  I'd just go and consider it people watching event.  Maybe the food will be good.  :)

[Ellie]

 

I agree, I don't want to be rude. My thought of not going wasn't meant to be a "I'm tired of this and just not going to go" kind of response but just that I didn't read "formal evening dress" when the initial invitation said "cocktail attire" and that I'm trying to honor her request without being rude but also without breaking our budget to buy something new. 

 

"Cocktail attire" isn't even an official description, so, again, she's off. And she doesn't need to be telling guests what to wear.

 

Wear your dressiest outfit and call it good. :-)

[kewb]

I agree, but I think the problem is I don't even know what "cocktail attire" means really. Our circles are much more casual and we don't typically go to these types of events. It's probably a whole other conversation but I wonder if these kinds of attire requests are just out-dated. It seems that a lot of people have different ideas of what they mean. We were invited to one event where the dress was stated as "Classy Business Casual" or something like that. I might have the wording wrong but whatever it was the words didn't seem to go together to me. Dh and I were both scratching our heads at that one.

 

 

I agree, I don't want to be rude. My thought of not going wasn't meant to be a "I'm tired of this and just not going to go" kind of response but just that I didn't read "formal evening dress" when the initial invitation said "cocktail attire" and that I'm trying to honor her request without being rude but also without breaking our budget to buy something new.

My guess is you were not the only one questioning exactly what cocktail attire is and she was trying to be helpful.

[Pam in CT]

A velvet skirt with a nice blouse will be perfect.

[bettyandbob]

I would a dress similar to what I'd where to an evening wedding. I would check out local consignments for something to wear.

 

You already said you'd go so I think you need to go.

 

The host of this event has terrible manners as evidendced by her handling of invitations and other things you've said. Expect that to continue at the party. However, maintain proper etiquette yourself and honor your RSVP.

 

The pp who said this was nothing, but a fancy party was rude. I've been to Bat Mitvahs in both Conservative and Reform congregations. The young adult who recieves this has studied Hebrew for several years. She likely has been involved in or led a longterm service project. She has studied and prepared a sermon based on a section of the Torah. She has done a lot more to get to this point. So, yes after the service there is often a huge party. The party is to celebrate all the hard work and transition this person has done. It is a big deal whether Reform, Conservative, or Orthodox. (I apologize if done of my interpretation is off. I Am Christian. These are my observations as a non member of the community )

[Alice]

My guess is you were not the only one questioning exactly what cocktail attire is and she was trying to be helpful.

 

Yes, I agree. I'm sure she's trying to be helpful by spelling it out more exactly. I just think I'm probably not alone in perhaps interpreting it differently on the original invitation and then finding myself 2 weeks out wondering if I have something appropriate to wear as what she describes seems different than what was in my mind. 

 

I would a dress similar to what I'd where to an evening wedding. I would check out local consignments for something to wear.

 

You already said you'd go so I think you need to go.

 

The host of this event has terrible manners as evidendced by her handling of invitations and other things you've said. Expect that to continue at the party. However, maintain proper etiquette yourself and honor your RSVP.

 

The pp who said this was nothing, but a fancy party was rude. I've been to Bat Mitvahs in both Conservative and Reform congregations. The young adult who recieves this has studied Hebrew for several years. She likely has been involved in or led a longterm service project. She has studied and prepared a sermon based on a section of the Torah. She has done a lot more to get to this point. So, yes after the service there is often a huge party. The party is to celebrate all the hard work and transition this person has done. It is a big deal whether Reform, Conservative, or Orthodox. (I apologize if done of my interpretation is off. I Am Christian. These are my observations as a non member of the community )

 

I think you have all convinced me of that. :) Thanks to the WTM for saving me from the terrible faux pas of not honoring my RSVP. (And I mean that sincerely and not in a snarky way. I know it's hard to hear tone on the Internet.) 

 

I agree that it's more than a fancy party. Growing up, my middle school had a large number of Jewish kids. I went to countless Bar and Bat Mitzvahs in 7th and 8th grades. My best friend was Jewish in 8th grade. We had to run a mile daily in gym and we both hated it and were the slowest kids in the class. Every day she would recite her Torah portion to me to help her memorize it. I can still say the beginning...Baruch atah adonai eloyhanu...So I do get that this is a really big deal for the girl and for her family. 

[Mrs Mungo]

Well she has the dress code thing all wrong, that is for sure. If she wants "formal," then women should be in floor length gowns and men in tuxedos (or equivalent). Semi formal would mean shorter dresses for the ladies and suits for the men. More people should simply consult a real rule book before putting it out there.

 

http://www.emilypost.com/everyday-manners/your-personal-image/69-attire-guide-beach-casual-to-white-tie-

 

You should see the crazy attire requests here in Hawaii! Aloha Crisp is the big one that we get for certain events. Men are suppose to wear pants, closed toe shoes and Hawaiian shirts, but the dress for women winds up being all over the place with a cocktail type dress being the most common (and what I wear).

 

I do agree with the idea that every woman should have at least one LBD that can be dressed up or down according to the occasion. I have three that I rotate through, but we attend a lot of stuff. LOL Two of them can be worn with or without a colored tank underneath. Different jewelry, sweaters versus shawls, different types of shoes, tights or no, all of these things can make a dress look quite different.

[kroe1]

How can anyone exclude children at a bat mitzvah? I have never heard of that. Where will all of the young friends and family of the guests go?

[kitten18]

Well she has the dress code thing all wrong, that is for sure. If she wants "formal," then women should be in floor length gowns and men in tuxedos (or equivalent). Semi formal would mean shorter dresses for the ladies and suits for the men. More people should simply consult a real rule book before putting it out there.

 

http://www.emilypost.com/everyday-manners/your-personal-image/69-attire-guide-beach-casual-to-white-tie-

 

You should see the crazy attire requests here in Hawaii! Aloha Crisp is the big one that we get for certain events. Men are suppose to wear pants, closed toe shoes and Hawaiian shirts, but the dress for women winds up being all over the place with a cocktail type dress being the most common (and what I wear).

 

I do agree with the idea that every woman should have at least one LBD that can be dressed up or down according to the occasion. I have three that I rotate through, but we attend a lot of stuff. LOL Two of them can be worn with or without a colored tank underneath. Different jewelry, sweaters versus shawls, different types of shoes, tights or no, all of these things can make a dress look quite different.

 

According to that chart you can even wear a dressy cocktail dress for black tie.

[catz]

How can anyone exclude children at a bat mitzvah? I have never heard of that. Where will all of the young friends and family of the guests go?

 

I don't get the feeling kids are excluded.  I get the feeling the OP's kids were excluded in a rude way.   Given the wording on the RSVP card, I'm sure there will be lots of kids there. 

 

She should have had a different RSVP card for adult only invitees (or simpler RSVP cards) and wrote the invitation to Mr. John and Alice Doe, or been explicit about who was invited on the invitation instead of writing instead of leaving the OP guessing.

[SereneHome]

Wow, rude much. My family is not Orthodox and my children becoming a Bar and Bat Mitzvah was much more than a fancy party.

 

As for the OP's dilemma, if you want to attend the velvet skirt will be fine. I would not wear pants simply because you might be the only one and feel uncomfortable.

The host has been a bit rude about how she has handled things but that does not mean you get to be rude in return.

If you no longer want to attend back out now with a vague and plausibLe family obligation. Since it is two weeks out she may not have given her final head count to the caterer.

 

No, not rude at all.  I don't know anything about your family, but I do know plenty of families where  what I said was the case.

[bettyandbob]

No, not rude at all.  I don't know anything about your family, but I do know plenty of families where  what I said was the case.

 

what you are saying is bizarre. There are lots of families who throw over the top parties after the Bar Mitzvah ceremony, but there was a lot of work that led up to that point. Years of extra study by the child. Are you saying the families you know did not have a child who spent years studying and completing projects before the event. Are you saying these people are just throwing elaborate 13th birthday parties and the child did no work ahead of time. I can't imagine a Synagogue that would conduct a Bar Mitzvah without the child doing the work to achieve the milestone. I have never heard of such a thing.

 

You may be hearing from people about the party planning. Those families may not be sharing what has led up to this point with you because 1) you are not part of their culture, 2) they may assume people understand the work it takes to get this point, 3) they may assume you don't care to know.

[Alice]

How can anyone exclude children at a bat mitzvah? I have never heard of that. Where will all of the young friends and family of the guests go?

I don't think they are completely excluded. There is a ceremony in the morning, our kids will go to that with us ( the hostess specifically said that was fine). The party is then in the evening at 7:00 at a Country Club and I hear is supposed to go quite late. That is the part that she said no kids. Since the party is for the 13 year old girl, I assume her friends will be there and I imagine that there may be other kids of closer friends and family. I'm still not sure if our invitation was an oversight or a mistake or what. I do think it was done in an odd way but it's ok, dh and I are looking forward to the evening out together. 

[kewb]

No, not rude at all. I don't know anything about your family, but I do know plenty of families where what I said was the case.

Yes, rude. Your statement was not about your experience it was a blanket statement that only the Orthodox have meaningful events. You should be owning what you said and apologizing for your blatant tar and feathering. Your amendment after I called you on your rudeness is not an acknowledgement of wrong doing it is a pitiful justification.

[SereneHome]

You specifically said, "unless Orthodox Jews... " You did not say, "in my experience people made it out to just be an excuse for a party."

 

Doesn't matter if you know if her family is Orthodox or not. You can still offend someone with that statement. And since she said her family is Jewish, but not Orthodox how would she not feel like you were describing her family? That's like me talking about women and when a poster comes forward and says they are a woman and they are offended then I say, "well I didn't mean you." 

 

You can offend anyone with any statement.

 

If you want to find my statement rude and/or offensive, that is entirely up to you.

 

I don't mind explaining what I meant, but it seems irrelevant as you are already offended.

[SereneHome]

Yes, rude. Your statement was not about your experience it was a blanket statement that only the Orthodox have meaningful events. You should be owning what you said and apologizing for your blatant tar and feathering. Your amendment after I called you on your rudeness is not an acknowledgement of wrong doing it is a pitiful justification.

 

I am not justifying anything bc I don't have anything to justify.

 

[JennyD]

I do think the way she did the invitations was odd but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know she's been really stressed about the whole event and her older daughter applying to colleges. 

 

I think she is the type of person who will notice if I'm wearing something that doesn't quite fit the standard.

 

* I have worked with her a long time and will continue to work with her for a long time, unless something unforeseen happens. 

 

 

I've been to loads of bar/bat mitzvahs (I'm Jewish) and your planned outfit sounds just perfect to me.  Honestly, if I received that email I would assume that "formal evening dress" means nothing more than "Hey, just in case you didn't know, this is not a jeans-and-t-shirt event, please get dressed up' and would go ahead and wear whatever I would wear to a wedding.  In fact, I would not even interpret "evening dress" as meaning an actual dress, and would expect to feel perfectly appropriate in dressy pants and top with high heels (one of my favorite looks!)   

 

Not to excuse the invitation thing, because that does sound really off, but I am sure she is plenty stressed about this event. It's a big deal, and her kid may well be very anxious about it, too.  I would go, wear that nice outfit from your closet, give a modest gift and hearty congratulations, and have a fun night out.  Then, on the Monday morning afterwards go find T (who will be enormously relieved, now that this is over)  and say, "We had a great time on Saturday.  She did such a wonderful job.  You must be so proud of her."  Then you will be all set for many more years of collegiality.   :)

 

 

[kewb]

Yes, you can offend anyone with any statement.

I am not offended. I am incensed by your lack of apology when it has been pointed out to you that you were rude. The fact that you are unable to admit you were rude and feel your justification/explanation should suffice displays a level of ignorance and disregard for an entire culture that is difficult to wrap my head around.

[Seasider]

I would go because by now they have probably ordered catering and such and because you will continue to have a professional relationship with this person after the party. If you decline, there should be an excuse involving specific reasons. An unexpected obligation in your husband's schedule, perhaps? And of course send the gift anyway.

 

A velvet skirt (I'm assuming it's a dark solid color), solid color silk or similar material shirt, fancy up-do hair & classy make-up, simple jewelry (I get costume jewelry at Goodwill all the time) and nice formal shoes. It doesn't take much to make a velvet skirt formal.

I agree! You should go!