Reading your child's diary

[Prairie Dawn]

This is something I've seen referenced recently. It seems to me like such a blatant violation of trust and privacy to pry into something so personal. Even though obviously once thoughts are written down they should no longer be assumed secret, writing in a diary/journal carries an expectation of privacy.

 

I would have been horrified to find that my private thoughts had been intruded upon simply because a parent felt it was within their rights to do so, especially if it was in place of building an authentically close relationship. My children haven't yet reached the point of writing being enjoyable enough to want to keep a diary, lol, but I'm having difficulty fathoming this existing in the parent/child relationship. I feel like part of my childhood just died.

 

Thoughts?

[Alice]

I think privacy is so important for kids to have. My Mom read my diary when I was a teenager and it was devastating for both of us. We were going through a rough time and I had written some hurtful things. She was horribly hurt by them and I was horribly hurt that she invaded my privacy. It took a long time to get over it. My oldest isn't a writer but I've made it clear than unless we are concerned about potential dangers he is allowed to have secrets from us. I think parents should only invade privacy by reading a diary or looking through stuff when they have serious concerns and that they then should be very upfront about doing so. I think it's good for parents to monitor Internet usage but I think that kids/teens have the right to know that they are doing so. 

[Pegs]

My mum journalled privately, and encouraged me to do the same. When I was about eight, I wrote a particularly scathing note at the beginning of a blank journal she gave me - something along the lines of, "How dare you? I knew this was your plot all along! How would you feel if I read YOUR journal?"

 

I kept it in a drawer with my socks and undies, and didn't record anything in it at all. I have never read any of her private writing, and looking back, I believe she would have afforded me the same privacy. I'm not sure why I didn't feel comfortable with the risk. I suppose because I would have been so devastated by the betrayal.

[Joanne]

My maternal grandmother read my mom's diary. My mom mentioned it regularly over the years; obviously it stuck with her. My Mom promised, as a result of the practice, to NEVER read ours. I believed her.

 

I have told my kids I would not (nor would I track them on social media) unless I suspected excessive drug use, self harm, suicide or danger.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The only time I've ever seen it referred to as a possibility is if the parent suspects drug use, self harm or suicide.  

[Joker]

My oldest has been struggling with anxiety and depression the last few months. I knew something was wrong but didn't know how bad it was until I read her journals. I thought she would be furious, but she wasn't. She seemed almost relieved and now she is getting help. There is a time to breach that trust and privacy and I really wish I didn't need to do so. Hopefully, I will never need to do the same with younger dd, but they both know if there are concerns about something serious that we will.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I would not do that unless I thought something very serious/dangerous/life threating was going on.

 

I absolutely would not desire to do so though.  Sometimes other people's thoughts are best not known in that detail. 

[AimeeM]

If I thought my child was in danger in some way (self-harming, in danger of harming others, drugs, whatever), I would have no qualms about reading their diary. 

[SKL]

I am not sure about this.  I definitely would not lie to my kid and read it after saying I wouldn't, but if I never said that, and she leaves it where I can access it, does she really have a reasonable expectation of privacy?  At what age does this begin?

 

Also, sometimes kids write things because they can't say them but they want their parents to know.  My kids do this often.

 

I'm also not big on the idea of telling my kid that she should keep secrets from me.  I mean, I know my kids will and already do have secrets, just like every other kid.  But telling her "this is where you can put stuff you want to hide from me" sounds wrong.

 

I think it is reasonable to leave this question open for a case-by-case determination.

 

As a teen, I used to journal a lot and I would "hide" the journals, but since I lived in my parents' house, they wouldn't be that hard to find.  I would get hormonal and blast my mom for a while (in writing) and gradually get over myself through that process.  But one day, I had a dream that my mom found my journal and it made her cry.  I was so upset by that dream, I started writing more "safe" commentary.  Which is good, since eventually my kid brother found the journals and read them and reported back ....

 

When my life got really interesting, I stopped journaling because I didn't want to leave a paper trail of stuff that could be "used against me."  :P

[Catwoman]

I would not do that unless I thought something very serious/dangerous/life threating was going on.

 

I absolutely would not desire to do so though.  Sometimes other people's thoughts are best not known in that detail. 

 

I agree -- and also, many people write in their journals to blow off steam when they are upset, so sometimes we can be at our worst in our diaries, yet not really mean what we're writing for more than the few minutes it takes to write it down. If someone reads another person's journal, I don't think they are necessarily getting "the truth" they are hoping to find, but rather an often somewhat jumbled series of strong emotions that, while true at the time they were written, don't really reflect the author's overall/general feelings.

 

I'm sure a lot of kids write things like, "I hate Dad" when they are upset about something, but they really love their fathers with all their hearts.

[SKL]

Oh, and I developed a secret alphabet for stuff I really wanted to keep secret.  ;)

[Prairie Dawn]

To clarify, the situation I'm referring to involves reading out of curiosity or to keep tabs on privately held emotions, not because of suspected danger. In that case (something very serious) I do agree that reading it could be necessary.

[Chris in VA]

I've kept journals for a lot of my life. Journaling does record the transient and temporary, as well as the reflective; it is often hard for people other than the author to tell the difference. That makes reading someone else's journal a bit of a dicey thing--are you reading something written in the heat of the moment, or something that's been brewing for a while?

 

It is hard to keep a completely honest journal if you feel it isn't a completely private and therefore safe way of expressing oneself.

 

So, I will not read a child's journal unless there is a history of problems and no answers forthcoming. I think it can be a theraputic and just "good" way of getting out emotions and processing them.

 

 

I told dd just today that she's coming up on another time when we are going to be giving her a lot of power and will need to trust her--that she's building trust with us right now, so if she's got anything she wants to spill, now's the time, because if I find out later, a lot will be at stake that isn't, quite yet. But I realized we are building HER trust, too--so we need to be sure to be trustworthy, and for her,that means not snooping out of curiosity. (Snooping out of concern, REAL concern, is ok.)

[Reefgazer]

I'm not a writer, but if I was I wouldn't keep a diary anyway, with the expectation that it will be seen by someone unintentionally.  Weird I think that way, since my parents gave me lots of freedom and were not snoops.

[kiwik]

I'm not a writer, but if I was I wouldn't keep a diary anyway, with the expectation that it will be seen by someone unintentionally. Weird I think that way, since my parents gave me lots of freedom and were not snoops.

Don't put anything on the internet you wouldn't post on the bulletin board, don't take photos you wouldn't share, don't put anything in writing you don't want read by others.

[Arcadia]

I had a diary with lock. The lock is the cheap kind but easily replace with a luggage lock or small combination lock. I didn't write anything just stuff things I like in. I do like playing with the locks.

 

Some of my classmates wrote about crushes. They would be annoyed if siblings or parents read.

[Dory]

My mom read my diary. I have promised to never read what my kids write in their journals unless they give me permission to do so. The things I put in my diary were things I would've never voiced out loud or acted upon in any way. They were simply my feelings. I felt that completely violated and horribly hurt over my mom reading it and then reacting to it. It was private. It was internal stuff that I was trying to figure out. Looking back on it still stings.

 

 

 

[Desert Strawberry]

My writing is private. I have always felt that way. I don't even read my own diaries. I cannot fathom not giving my children's writing the same respect. I always ask if I may read what they write, unless I have clearly instructed them to write something public. 

How can they feel free to write personal thoughts if they fear discovery?

[Tanaqui]

Don't put anything on the internet you wouldn't post on the bulletin board, don't take photos you wouldn't share, don't put anything in writing you don't want read by others.

I have always heard it said that you should never write anything in a letter that you wouldn't want published on the front page of the daily paper, and it seems to me that this advice is even more relevant nowadays than in the past.

 

With that said, though it is good advice, there is no need to teach it to your kid by invading his or her trust. Not that you suggest we should, I just can't think of a better segue sentence. Unless you have an *extremely* compelling reason to violate their privacy - and I'm talking serious life-or-death stuff - you probably shouldn't.

 

 

[Dory]

Don't put anything on the internet you wouldn't post on the bulletin board, don't take photos you wouldn't share, don't put anything in writing you don't want read by others.

 

Many therapist would disagree with that. Writing can be very good for getting stuff out of the swirling mess in a persons head. It can help sort things out. It's sad that people have to feel like everything that they aren't willing for others to see or hear must now be hid and swallowed down because privacy is non existent and respect for others has become a quaint old idea.

 

 

Edited to fix spelling mistakes. I have GOT to stop coming on here after long days when I'm wound up and over tired.

[Tap]

Nope.  It would have to be something really serious for me to intrude on a paper diary or electronic journal. My daughters trust is worth more than my curiosity. 

 

I do have a blanket 'I will check tech' rule in my house.  I make sure that they know, I have the right to check any and all technology that they have in my home, no matter who bought it.  It is fairly rare now that I actually do it, but I will periodically do a quick cell phone or computer history search to make sure there isn't anything that jumps out at me.  When they first got their computers I checked more often.   They are required to give me their passwords to all tech, so this is no secret.   

 

I know my mom snooped through my room, because a poem that a boyfriend wrote about me, disappeared one day.  It was a bit suggestive, so I am guessing that it why.  LOL   Ironically, the unsigned poem was written by a boyfriend from 2 years prior, so there wasn't any real harm in the poem, but she wouldn't have known that.   All it did was make me more sneaky about what I kept in the home and where I kept it.  

 

ETA: I stopped checking my sons tech around at 17-18.  I am guessing that will be the natural progression for my daughters as well. 

[LostSurprise]

It would be nice if my boys had any interest in journaling. 

 

The closest I've come is my oldest used to draw pictures of me as an old pirate clown with an eye patch and the words, "mom, I ht yu.' I only read it because he threw it in the hallway and left it there. ;)

[LisaKinVA]

I have given my oldest daughter and my younger son their own journals.  Oldest son doesn't feel a need for that kind of outlet, but PonyGirl and PokeMan need a safe outlet to express feelings.  I have told all of my older children (youngers aren't there yet), that I expect that there will be times they don't like me very much, that they may want to call me names, or simply vent -- that the journals are a safe, healthy way to vent how they are feeling at those moments.  I won't read them, nor will I get mad about things they have written in them -- but if there is something they want to talk about, and don't know how to tell me -- they can also write it down and hand that page to me to help start a conversation.  I have found random notes (Dad is a jerk...mom is sooo mean) left in random places (math notebook, etc.).  There is no expectation of privacy in things like your math notebook...

 

Like others, I would only go searching through journals, etc. if there were some MAJOR concerns about substance abuse, etc.  Reading a journal would be a last-ditch effort after everything else had failed -- and would not be warranted by simply an increased desire for privacy.  I've been around my kids their whole lives.  I know their personalities pretty well.  Even my 15yo son is still quite willing to have frank discussions about uncomfortable topics (well...uncomfortable for ME).  I guess it's a good thing that I am really good at keeping a pretty even-keeled response in difficult situation (I tend to only get really agitated by the countless little irritations, like not putting your dirty socks in the dirty laundry for the upteenth time...lol)  Major issues (well,such as there have been), have always been dealt with calmly.  If only dirty clothes strewn about and dirty dishes hidden in unbelievable places didn't drive me to drink!

[lllll]

..

[Anne in CA]

I opened this thread because I remembered a thread on the old boards that really got out of hand, lol. I have always told my kids that everyone has a right to their private thoughts, but that I would move heaven and earth to uncover drug use/ eating disorders/ suicidal thoughts, if I thought my kids had them. 

 

That aside, I accidentally read part of a journal entry from my oldest when we were moving and I felt dirty ever since. I should be glad I read it, because it confirmed some things going on in her head that I was pretty sure were there, but she never wanted it read, she put it in the trash, and I should have just left it there. Although, she was 24 when she put it in the trash, so it really was violating another adults thoughts. If she had been a teenager, it still was not anything that was directly harming her, although it intimately detailed a thought pattern that is ruining her life, so if the same thing had happened when she was a teen, I would have insisted on counseling.

[Catherine]

This is so timely for me. I think there are nuances that are very important. First, a journal is private and unshared. It is NOT the same thing at all as FB, online "journals" or blogs, or texts. I also think that the maturity and sensiblenes of the kids matter a great deal.

 

I have a close friend who monitors, not secretly, all of her 15 year old's texts. She put an app on his phone that forwards all texts he makes and receives to her phone. He has done some pretty off the wall stuff *even knowing she sees it*.

 

I honestly no longer believe that text and online privacy are OK for kids of any age. I find it to be a big huge temptation that even the most mature kids have a hard time with.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm sure this thread was triggered by something someone said or did either here or on facebook or somewhere else, but I doubt there are a huge number of parents who read their kid's diary.  And for those who do, I somehow think that it is probably only one thing in a whole boatload of stuff that is leading to a lack of respect, or trust.  

[Reefgazer]

Exactly right.  Yes, that's the policy I follow.

Don't put anything on the internet you wouldn't post on the bulletin board, don't take photos you wouldn't share, don't put anything in writing you don't want read by others.

 

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I wish a parent had cared enough about me to read my diary as a young person/teen. I needed help so badly. I wish someone had cared enough to *ask* me. I wrote my diary with the half hope that someone would read it. No one ever did.

 

Not saying all children have this same perspective; just offering what mine was at the time.

 

My visiting mother (she didn't have custody) found and read some bad things in my sister's diary; she was horrified, but I'm pretty sure she did absolutely nothing about it; probably knew her relationship wasn't close enough that she could survive the fall out with my sister. My sister never got any help, either. By the grace of God, she is still here and mostly healthy today. But she regrets so much now.

[J-rap]

I agree -- and also, many people write in their journals to blow off steam when they are upset, so sometimes we can be at our worst in our diaries, yet not really mean what we're writing for more than the few minutes it takes to write it down. If someone reads another person's journal, I don't think they are necessarily getting "the truth" they are hoping to find, but rather an often somewhat jumbled series of strong emotions that, while true at the time they were written, don't really reflect the author's overall/general feelings.

 

 

 

Yes, this.  This is why I think it's usually not a good idea to read someone else's diary!  Things written in the heat of the moment can actually not really reflect the general feelings at all, yet the reader could be heart-broken by reading it. 

 

Believe me, I have been tempted!  When cleaning up and finding a journal right there in the open, it would be so easy to peek at it.  But then I remember the really dumb things I did and journaled about growing up (much dumber than my own kids, I'm sure), and how truly I would have been traumatized for life if my parents had read my journal.

 

I would only read their journal if I suspected a real problem:  drugs, depression, etc.

 

[The Girls' Mom]

My kids know that they have no real privacy until they move out of my home.  

 

That said, they also know that I don't snoop without good cause.  I haven't read diaries, but I wouldn't hesitate to if I thought they were in danger.  I don't snoop much on their online activities, but I do hold passwords, and will pop into their rooms randomly.  They have been told 5 million and one times not to do things on the internet they don't want to be public FOREVER.  

 

ETA:  My mother read my diary once as a kid.  Instead of putting a stop to some things she should have, she got mad about it and yelled at me.  Nothing came of it, and it should have.  I still have the no privacy policy for my own kids.  

[ksr5377]

My parents read mine twice.  You think I would have learned, right?  So they probably read it even more.  After the second time, when I was 17, I quit writing in one.  Every now and then I really miss it as it was a wonderful way to work out my feelings, but I feel the risk is too great.  Why would I want something that anyone could pick up and read my complete truths?

[LucyStoner]

I am really curious about what a "no privacy policy" means? No privacy to me means no boundaries and that sounds really unhappy for all involved.

[Excelsior! Academy]

My maternal grandmother read my mom's diary. My mom mentioned it regularly over the years; obviously it stuck with her. My Mom promised, as a result of the practice, to NEVER read ours. I believed her.

 

I have told my kids I would not (nor would I track them on social media) unless I suspected excessive drug use, self harm, suicide or danger.

 

 

The only time I've ever seen it referred to as a possibility is if the parent suspects drug use, self harm or suicide.  

 

 

If I thought my child was in danger in some way (self-harming, in danger of harming others, drugs, whatever), I would have no qualms about reading their diary. 

 

Would I read it?  Yes!! And have told my children as much.  If I have *any* concerns about safety, drug use, etc. you bet.  As a family we are generally respectful of each other and that extends to belongings.  I 100% believe in trust, but safety of my child supersedes trust.  I would rather have an angry safe child than ignore blatant warning signs.

 

[AimeeM]

Would I read it?  Yes!! And have told my children as much.  If I have *any* concerns about safety, drug use, etc. you bet.  As a family we are generally respectful of each other and that extends to belongings.  I 100% believe in trust, but safety of my child supersedes trust.  I would rather have an angry safe child than ignore blatant warning signs.

Yes.

Even with adults, usually within a family safety supersedes "trust". If I knew, for example, that someone in my family (an adult) was being hurt by their spouse, but had been told in confidence, I would prefer to break that confidence, than deal with the repercussions of NOT.

[Petrichor]

I've kept diaries at various points in my life, but feel the same sense of apprehension over privacy concerns. My parents read my diaries and snooped through my room - things would go missing - but they would never tell me. I may have confronted them about a few things and at least one time something was returned to me. 

 

Like others, I want my ds to have a sense of independence which, in my mind, implies not forcing him to share thoughts that he doesn't want to share, so no, I wouldn't read his diary unless there was serious need to. I would hope that such an invasion of privacy would be preceded by conversation and being explicitly told that his diary was going to be read. 

 

 

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Oh, and I developed a secret alphabet for stuff I really wanted to keep secret. ;)

I did that, too! I always wanted to be important enough someday that historians would want to attempt to decipher it. ;)

[Dory]

Would I read it?  Yes!! And have told my children as much.  If I have *any* concerns about safety, drug use, etc. you bet.  As a family we are generally respectful of each other and that extends to belongings.  I 100% believe in trust, but safety of my child supersedes trust.  I would rather have an angry safe child than ignore blatant warning signs.

 

As a kid. After having my mom read my diary. I learned not to write anymore. I learned not to tell her anything and I learned how to lead a double life of sorts. It didn't mean I wasn't in danger, it just meant that I knew I no longer could trust her and so wouldn't tell her anything.

[Joker]

As a kid. After having my mom read my diary. I learned not to write anymore. I learned not to tell her anything and I learned how to lead a double life of sorts. It didn't mean I wasn't in danger, it just meant that I knew I no longer could trust her and so wouldn't tell her anything.

 

For others it works out well, though. My dd was actually relieved and has since shared more of her feelings. She just a few minutes ago shared a personal narrative she wrote for one of her writing classes and it was about how she has been feeling, how writing helps her, and how sometimes that writing helps those you love help you through difficult times. I seriously think at this point one of my greatest parenting decisions was the moment I decided to read her journals. I was so scared of her reaction and felt so guilty at the time but what she showed me tonight was basically a thank you. She is still writing and doesn't seem worried about us invading her privacy. She knows we would only do so if there was a real need or worry.

[Dory]

For others it works out well, though. My dd was actually relieved and has since shared more of her feelings. She just a few minutes ago shared a personal narrative she wrote for one of her writing classes and it was about how she has been feeling, how writing helps her, and how sometimes that writing helps those you love help you through difficult times. I seriously think at this point one of my greatest parenting decisions was the moment I decided to read her journals. I was so scared of her reaction and felt so guilty at the time but what she showed me tonight was basically a thank you. She is still writing and doesn't seem worried about us invading her privacy. She knows we would only do so if there was a real need or worry.

 

The risk of doing it wrong is way too great for me to want to go that route. I suppose if the child knew ahead of time that things like that would not be considered private if you were ever concerned for her, then it might be different. If the child believes that it is a private thing though, to have that privacy so utterly disregarded can feel extremely exposing. For me it felt worse then having the doors taken off the bathrooms or having some creep watch me change clothes. It was a disregard of personal boundaries that I had thought were there.

[The Girls' Mom]

No privacy doesn't mean a boundary issue.  At least in my home it doesn't.  My kids actually lead pretty normal lives without me poking my nose in.  They have doors that shut, and I generally knock before entering.  I don't prowl through their things, and I don't read every email/text they have.  

 

What no privacy means to ME, is that they are aware that if I believe something is going on that I need to know about, I will look/read/prowl through anything in my house to find out what it is.  They know upfront that I wouldn't hesitate to do it if they are up to no good, so I don't believe I would be shattering any expectations of privacy.  

 

We do have a very open relationship with our kids.  We can, and do, talk about everything.  Relationships, stress, fears, sex, drugs, abuse, hopes, dreams, zombies, whatever, we have talked and continue to talk about it all.  

[SKL]

I think I will tell my kids that writing one's messy thoughts is a great idea, but keeping the messy writing for posterity is not.  I honestly can't see any good reason to keep a written rant once you look back and realize it's not LIbrary of Congress material.  I for one never went back and gleaned wisdom from one of my "Mom is so rotten" rants.  :P

 

I've heard of an idea - shared journaling or something - where a parent and child pass a journal back and forth, sharing thoughts that are difficult to say face-to-face.  I think that might be more healthy than keeping an archive of "nobody understands me" under the mattress.

[sunflowerlady]

Well, when there are news stories of teens involved in terrible things, people wonder "Where were their parents?". There is no understanding of how parents could be clueless and have no idea what was going on.

 

I think it is a fine line to walk.

[Caroline]

 

I've heard of an idea - shared journaling or something - where a parent and child pass a journal back and forth, sharing thoughts that are difficult to say face-to-face.  I think that might be more healthy than keeping an archive of "nobody understands me" under the mattress.

 

I really like this idea.

[Desert Strawberry]

I've not yet been in a situation as a parent where diary-reading was on the table, but I can't help but feel there are so many other steps one could take that would be less intrusive and more trust building. Reading someone private thoughts is just so far down the list of options, I'd have to be immediate fear for my child's life-for example, if a child didn't come home and couldn't be reached, and I feared abduction or something. Even suspicion of drug use or other self-destructive behaviors wouldn't warrant that.

 

I was a troubled teen. Having my private writings read never helped me and made me more secretive. It was just one more place I wasn't safe. I never want my kids to feel unsafe like I did. If anything, it pushed me towards even more destructive behaviors. Because I couldn't even confide in myself. 

[Joanne]

Well, when there are news stories of teens involved in terrible things, people wonder "Where were their parents?". There is no understanding of how parents could be clueless and have no idea what was going on.

 

I think it is a fine line to walk.

 

I've "known what is going on" with my kids without violating age appropriate privacy.

 

I don't think it's a fine line at all.

 

[Elisabet1]

I would never. And besides, if your child were really doing something really bad that you need to sneak around to figure it out, chances are, you won't find it in the diary.

[JenneinCA]

My daughter kept and still keeps a journal. I haven't read it. I will never read it.

 

This is even after the horrible period a few years ago that prompted the weekly therapist visits that are still going on. Did I know something was horribly wrong without reading her private notes? Absolutely. Was I scared I was over-reacting when I made that first phone call to the therapist? Absolutely. Would I have gained anything by reading the journal? Yes, I would have known for certain that she needed help, but I would have lost every bit of trust in the process. I was willing to look like an over protective over reactive mother if necessary, but I wasn't willing to damage my relationship with my daughter.

 

My boys don't journal but I wouldn't read their private notes either.

[Hikin' Mama]

I don't think any of my kids keeps a journal or diary, but I would never read them. I try treat them the way I want to be treated. I would not want them in my personal stuff, so I will give them the same respect.