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DD8 was suspended from school for the 3rd time this year today......UPDATE post 1

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Things are just getting worse and worse with her.  Daily Huge tantrums at school, being restrained daily, and now yet another suspension.  This is all with an IEP for behaviors, so they don't punish her for things that NT kids would get in trouble for.  Today, it took 3 adults to wrangle her into the quite room and in the process she drew blood on 2 and bruised the 3rd.  They are getting ready to move her to the program in the area that houses the worst of the worst for behaviors.   Nothing like hearing your kid is getting moved out of the special needs program because they are too mean to be there, to make a parent feel like a failure. 

 

It is overwhelming and exhausting.  I haven't even told dh that she was suspended yet, because I can't deal with him on top of everything else.  I will tell him in the morning when she doesn't leave for school.  She didn't even bother to ask to go outside when she got home, she knows she is in trouble and really doesn't even care. 

 

Don't know why I am posting this, I guess I just needed to throw it out to the world so I can let it go a little bit.  

 

 

 

UPDATE:

Well it has been a couple of days and I have a bit more information and perspective.  I went in and had an hour long, private meeting with her current school psychologist.  She seemed helpful and but gave me very little information about the new school.  So, I reached out to friends and friends of friends and got some better information.  I also found out that I can indeed do a family visit (school psychologist told me that wouldn't be allowed) before we start the paper work.  I am waiting for a phone call to coordinate this.  The little bit of information that I know so far is that the classroom currently has 9 students with a teacher and 2 aides, which is similar to what she has now .....but they don't use isolation closets, so that is a huge bonus.  The next big question I have is how they deal with behaviors that involve aggression to staff and other kids (she will target  people without remorse), and what the do to prevent the escalation from happening in the first place (a piece that her current class doesn't seem to do very well). 

 

Thank you all for your love, hugs, kind words and support.  I don't have much of that IRL so it really does mean a lot to me!

 

 

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Pippen

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Things are just getting worse and worse with her.  Daily Huge tantrums at school, being restrained daily, and now yet another suspension.  This is all with an IEP for behaviors, so they don't punish her for things that NT kids would get in trouble for.  Today, it took 3 adults to wrangle her into the quite room and in the process she drew blood on 2 and bruised the 3rd.  They are getting ready to move her to the program in the area that houses the worst of the worst for behaviors.   Nothing like hearing your kid is getting moved out of the special needs program because they are too mean to be there, to make a parent feel like a failure. 

 

It is overwhelming and exhausting.  I haven't even told dh that she was suspended yet, because I can't deal with him on top of everything else.  I will tell him in the morning when she doesn't leave for school.  She didn't even bother to ask to go outside when she got home, she knows she is in trouble and really doesn't even care. 

 

Don't know why I am posting this, I guess I just needed to throw it out to the world so I can let it go a little bit.  

 

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. You must be very worried, and emotionally exhausted.

 

I hope it will encourage you to hear that I know a family who went through this last year, and reluctanctantly signed off on the transfer. It's been a very positive change. The new school understands that the behavioral issues must be dealt with first before any learning can occur. They have resources that regular schools don't have, including experienced staff and very small class sizes. The student's self-esteem has improved big time in a setting where they can finally succeed. In hindsight the family wished that they had made the change sooner instead of fighting placement in more restrictive settings.

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kitten18

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I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. You must be very worried, and emotionally exhausted.

 

I hope it will encourage you to hear that I know a family who went through this last year, and reluctanctantly signed off on the transfer. It's been a very positive change. The new school understands that the behavioral issues must be dealt with first before any learning can occur. They have resources that regular schools don't have, including experienced staff and very small class sizes. The student's self-esteem has improved big time in a setting where they can finally succeed. In hindsight the family wished that they had made the change sooner instead of fighting placement in more restrictive settings.

Yes.

I know a family who went through the same thing. They fought the placement for years but things are going so much better for them now.

 

Hugs.

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bolt.

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Friend, you are not a failure.

 

And your child is not "mean" -- nor should she be "in trouble."

 

Special needs happen. They are not caused, not chosen and not anybody's fault. These are not tantrums. They are *symptoms*. (She didn't ask to have symptoms.)

 

I hope that the transfer will get her into a place where the staff know at least a little something more than "not punishing" her, and "wrestling" her into isolation. She needs, and deserves, so very much more than that.

 

And she deserves to be allowed outside to play, even if her symptoms happened today, and even if her needs are appearing to be too much for her current schooling. She is a child. Nobody should be blaming her for not having turned out to be neurotypical.

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Friend, you are not a failure.

 

And your child is not "mean" -- nor should she be "in trouble."

 

Special needs happen. They are not caused, not chosen and not anybody's fault. These are not tantrums. They are *symptoms*. (She didn't ask to have symptoms.)

 

I hope that the transfer will get her into a place where the staff know at least a little something more than "not punishing" her, and "wrestling" her into isolation. She needs, and deserves, so very much more than that.

 

And she deserves to be allowed outside to play, even if her symptoms happened today, and even if her needs are appearing to be too much for her current schooling. She is a child. Nobody should be blaming her for not having turned out to be neurotypical.

Having consequences at home are a last straw of trying to find Anything that translates as a consequence for her.  She has times when she has zero control over her actions and time when she has significant amount of control.  She acts very different in those circumstances.  They grey area between to two can be hard to identify but that is not where she was today. We completely understand that even when she appears to have control, that she still has underlying issues that make her more susceptible to having these blow ups.  There are also times when she uses her behaviors to control a situation.   It is very clear when this is what is happening, and she is doing it more and more when she is at school (but not at home or daycare). 

 

Her actions that occurred today are indeed tantrums. She didn't want to start her math lesson. She has a one on one for math, with an IEP so it is taught to her exact level.  She was completely fine until they told her it was time for math, then she blew up. Same teachers, same kids,, same class.....but her least favorite subject. 

 

Yes, she is special needs but she absolutely has control over the vast majority of her tantrums.  She can even request a 'rest time' at any moment in the day and they will allow her to do so. Or she can just go to her mat if she doesn't want to talk. She didn't do that, she punched her teacher instead and it escallated from there.

 

 If you met my daughter, you would have no idea she was in a special needs classroom, until you were around her for a month or two and she decided to let you see a behavior.  

 

She has had over 450 therapy sessions of BT and OT. A psychiatrist for 4 years and a trained one-on-one at daycare. I am not saying these things out of ignorance of her true issues, I am saying these things because it is the truth of the situation. 

 

She has had less that 10 days since the beginning of the school year where she has Not had to be restrained.  She is relatively ok at daycare, and at home. It is just at school that she is acting up this severely, and only when she doesn't find the activity fun. Last year, she was in the same class and acted up to this level once or twice a month. Now it is daily, sometimes multiple times per day, for weeks at a time.  

 

She has had a Behavior Therapist since she was 2yo and they have always said 'let school be school and home be home', but her BT is now saying to try having home consequences to school behavior to try and see if it makes a difference.  The only commodity that means anything with her, is playing outside with friends. So, with the BT, it was decided to try to use that to encourage less destructive behavior at school.  It really is a last ditch effort to get her to pull it together before they move her.  Her BT is an Autism specialist who speaks at conferences and is hired to consult in school districts. He has extensive training and is very, very well regarded in the Autism community. 

 

The 'mean' comment, was because she was looking her teacher in the eye today while my daughter was pinching her teacher hard enough to leave a bruise.  When the teacher told her it was hurting her and asked her to stop. my daughter looked her in the eye and laughed, while continuing to pinch the teacher.  I know this laugh and it is a very purposeful action that accompanies it. 

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jelbe5

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Hugs. I worked in a therapeutic day school for special needs students before children. These programs often have specialized staff and programs not available at traditional schools. It is hard and scary but perhaps a more therapeutic setting will be helpful.

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Momling

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It sounds like she needs more than they can offer...  Is she on medication and does it need adjusting?  I have a foster son at a day treatment program and it has made a world of difference.  They are just more prepared for his challenges and the staff-student ratio is awesome (currently 6 kids in a class with 1-2 adults) and he gets daily individual and group therapy. He's no longer the 'bad boy' that he had been identifying himself as.  Plus, I never have to go pick him up from school for behavioral reasons -- they can handle it all.  Anyway, a change in schools and a change in medication may be just the right thing for her to improve.  Good luck!

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Hugs. I worked in a therapeutic day school for special needs students before children. These programs often have specialized staff and programs not available at traditional schools. It is hard and scary but perhaps a more therapeutic setting will be helpful.

 

 

It sounds like she needs more than they can offer...  Is she on medication and does it need adjusting?  I have a foster son at a day treatment program and it has made a world of difference.  They are just more prepared for his challenges and the staff-student ratio is awesome (currently 6 kids in a class with 1-2 adults) and he gets daily individual and group therapy. He's no longer the 'bad boy' that he had been identifying himself as.  Plus, I never have to go pick him up from school for behavioral reasons -- they can handle it all.  Anyway, a change in schools and a change in medication may be just the right thing for her to improve.  Good luck!

The class she is in, has less than 10 students and 3 staff.  There are only 2 students (she and another) who are in the class most of the day. The majority of the day, she has a one-to-one staff ratio.  It is a classroom for kids with behavioral issues but who function near grade level, so the entire program is designed for them to deal with her types of issues.

 

Yes, she is medicated.  We have been making some changes but nothing is helping.  I work in pharmacy and her psychiatrist and I have been having weekly meetings about what to tweak and what to leave alone.  He is at a loss right now too. 

 

 

I don't think the treatment program is a horrible place, it is just heartbreaking to see her being sent there because she can't function with all the support she is already getting.  We are hoping that the change in program will break some habits and we can start to re-evaluate what is the root cause in a fresh environment.  Most kids who go into this program don't get out for 18-36 months.  Then they go into a class like she is already in before the general education classroom.  Going in at 2nd grade, means that she likely won't be in a general education class until middle school (if ever).  :0(

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Momling

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It sounds like you've tried everything and just need to vent -- I totally get that.   One thing that has helped me is to switch my thinking from behavioral-problem to psychiatric-problem.  When it's a psych issue (in our case, fetal alcohol), the idea of punishments or consequences is lessened. It's not about behavior that is under your or her control, her issues are symptoms of disease, not maliciousness.  I find it much easier for me to remain free of emotions and to have more sympathy when I think of out-of-control raging similar to vomiting or seizing; it  becomes more about keeping the child safe until it passes than about consequences or frustrations at behaviors. 

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chiguirre

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There are also times when she uses her behaviors to control a situation.   It is very clear when this is what is happening, and she is doing it more and more when she is at school (but not at home or daycare). 

 

She has had less that 10 days since the beginning of the school year where she has Not had to be restrained.  She is relatively ok at daycare, and at home. It is just at school that she is acting up this severely, and only when she doesn't find the activity fun. Last year, she was in the same class and acted up to this level once or twice a month. Now it is daily, sometimes multiple times per day, for weeks at a time.  

 

 

I had a less extreme, but similar, experience with Geezle in PPCD. By the end of the second year there, he had convinced the teachers that he couldn't feed himself or use the bathroom alone. He got them to put food in his mouth and wipe his butt for him, literally. At home and at ABA he fed and toileted himself because there was no one to manipulate. I hadn't realized how bad things had gotten because I wasn't getting complaints from the teachers. They just fell into this negative spiral of accommodating him as the path of least resistance because he'd tantrum to get his way.

 

It sounds like your dd's situation has escalated in a similar way. She's learned how to get out of math by acting up. If she managed to draw blood from 2 adults while 3 people restrained her, they're simply not doing it right. I also imagine they're not wearing protective clothing. They should be in jeans and denim jackets around her. Really, that's on them. They should know better.

 

At this point, moving her to a different environment is probably the best thing you can do. She won't learn anything in the current placement. Now that she knows she can get suspended and not have to go to school at all, she'll keep pushing that button and reaping that reward until something changes. (Seriously, the solution to a kid who avoids schoolwork by physical aggression is to reward that behavior by suspending them?!?)

 

This isn't your failure. This is the current teachers' failure. Hopefully, the next placement will work better. (Geezle's did).

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