Sometimes being an introvert is a drag

[Guest]

I understand being an introvert, but it shouldn't be about disparaging those who are good at 'small talk' ? I do envy those who are gregarious, but don't we need folks like that at times? One also can't know whether the person making a bit of small talk isn't also a bit shy, even if she isn't looking shy. I mean, I may be asking about good take-out places for awhile, even I do find decent Chinese, since there are other foods I also like. lol

 

I am an introvert, but I don't mind this sort of chatter at all. I would most likely leave feeling I had a nice time.

 

My dh is also an introvert, but he is much better than I am in finding common ground with strangers. He also knows little bits about lots of things, so if he noticed someone wearing a sports team hat or a college shirt or something, he picks up on that and uses it as a conversation point.

[Dory]

Just because one finds small talk tiring and hard, doesn't mean that they are saying someone else is stupid because they are able to comfortably do small talk. Also, just because one find small talk hard doesn't mean one is unable to do small talk either.

 

Saying that one needs to grow up or learn skills because they find it really hard is rather harsh too. Just the normal group activities that comes from having kids and homeschooling leave me exhausted, add on to that any extras from family things or community events and I will end up throwing up, stressed out, and not even able to think in a straight line. I would gladly 'grow up' and cut it out if someone would help me figure out what that means. It's not fun at all. I actually enjoy social contact of some sort. I just can't handle the group scenes.

[Luanne]

I would have done the same thing you did.  My daughter knows not to leave me alone for very long or I will leave if I can.  She is a major extrovert, but is very understanding of my being a major introvert.

[LadyR]

I consider myself an introvert and I’ve always found it difficult to hold a conversation with strangers and even family members I don’t see often.  This might sound silly but when I became a coffee drinker a few years ago I discovered that the caffeine makes me bubbly and VERY talkative.  It’s like I turn into a different person!  So now I have a cup of coffee before I have to go to an event and that really helps me.  I also make the decision to ask people questions about their family, job, hobbies, etc, and be genuinely interested so then I have more questions to ask and the conversation flows more easily for me.

I have a friend who is a non-stop talker.  She can talk about anything, with anyone, anytime and she’s exuberant and really funny too.  I do wish I could be more like her.  (At times though I wished I could just tell her to shut up a minute. Haha)

[happi duck]

I think these threads get confusing because we don't all define introvert and extrovert the same way.

[Word Nerd]

Introvert and Extrovert aren't teams, nor are they value judgments. It isn't a competition.

[mommymilkies]

Well I'm so glad you have me all figured out and know just what I should do to make me more acceptable. (Said wrly and with a hint of humor) And to think all these years it was because I wasn't trying hard enough to develop the necessary social skills. Gee, why didn't I think of that. ;)

 

You know, for me it isn't so much the small talk per se as it is initiating the small talk and carrying the conversation. If I can be on the periphery of a group conversation without having to carry it on my own, then I'm perfectly happy. I will look forard to going home, though, and will request some peace and quiet when I get there. Preferrably with no one talking to me. My family understands this, thankfully.

 

Gently, I don't think anyone here is talking about you in particular or requiring you to change one bit. Mostly it's been what people here wish they could change about themselves. Honestly, having lived in my skin for all this time, I am aware of my deficiencies in an extroverted world. I can adjust my own expectations, but I am realistic about who I am. I don't need to be fixed.

 

:iagree:  THANK YOU.

lol

 

It is exhausting to listen to, and make small talk. Fact of introverted life.

 

Your not-small talk may or may not be intrusive, but unless you are my child, my partner, my best friend, my mother or my sister, that too will exhaust me after a time.

 

Everyone, even extroverts, need to be polite and mingle :)

 

They just need to know how to not tax our introvert stamina to the point where we are hallucinating aloneness!

 

My personal extrovert tactic is to ask them questions, lots of questions. Gives me lots of nodding time in which to gather my strength.

 

It's not that we don't like extroverts. Often we do. We just need a break from them after a bit. It's not personal. Offer to go get us a drink part way through the conversation and give us that breather we crave way more than the drink.

Exactly.  Both introverts and extroverts need to work on skills.  I know extroverts that can't stand small talk and jump into heated political conversations in grocery lines.  :lol:

 

And extroversion doesn't mean you're great at conversation-just that you recharge on being with other people.  Introverts recharge on alone time.  It doesn't mean we don't know how to speak, don't have manners, or can't ever stand other people.  Just that being in group situations can be exhausting for us, and small talk can drain us.  I can easily fake small talk, polite smiles, and conversations with strangers.  This is partly from being raised with the world's most exhausting extrovert and learning to mimic her.  That takes a lot out of me, though.  A party will leave me with days of curling up on the couch and asking everyone to not even look at me. And some of us will repeat conversations in our head, obsessively gnawing at every word we said and how we appeared stupid or now the other person (people) who we may have just loved will think we're insane. :p

 

With small talk, it's hard to tell who is really extroverted and wants that level of public interaction with us, who is being polite, and who is an introvert pretending to be extroverted to look polite.  I have extrovert and ambivert friends.  I'm often jealous of them.  Dh says I'm like an irritated cornered cat when I'm exhausted and at certain social events.  I'll blend in for awhile.  After that, I come very close to growling if people engage me in small talk.   :coolgleamA:

I agree.

 

Small talk is tiring and boring, not necessarily the person doing the small talk. It's a necessary evil, when meeting new people, but I don't know why it's an insult to all extroverts to say it's tiring. It just is, especially when it just goes on and on.

 

I do think that extroverts are not any better at communication by virtue of being extroverted. They might find talking more enjoyable and more necessary, but talking does not equal communication....

 

I have an extroverted daughter who needs conversational etiquette skills just as much as my introverted daughter does. Conversation is an art - anyone can work at it and get better at it.

 

I wouldn't bother getting offended that introverts find it more tiring.

Yes!  My possibly extrovert or ambivert daughter needs more help than my shy introverts with conversation.  She has no understanding of personal space or when people need a break.  :lol:   

[Alicia64]

I'm the OP. I don't mind small talk at all. I know that's part of the process and I'm cool with that. What I don't get is that I'll say, "Oh, her costume is adorable. Did you make that?" And the mom will say, "thanks! Yes I did!"

 

And walk away. (In fairness, it was a stand-up/outdoor party.)

 

But that kept happening over and over. I'd say something polite and positive and they'd respond and move on. I'd be left looking for dh who is never around me -- and yes I use deodorant and shower every day!

 

And, as one poster said, one of the co-hostesses was dressed beautifully and I commented and she was standing next to a woman who was also dressed beautifully who'd I'd never met. I took a beat or two hoping she'd make an introduction and she didn't and they both focused on something else and that was it.

 

In retrospect, I should have stuck out my hand and said hello, but there was some distance between us and I just didn't. Bad on my part.

 

The woman who saw me and walked away is my lovely neighbor who doesn't like for some reason. I've been here two years now and she just doesn't like me. (I suspect it has to do with dh and I'll just leave it at that.) It still hurts my feelings.

 

Alley

[SparklyUnicorn]

No I don't wish I had more extroversion.  I have no trouble at parties.  Sometimes I might get a little nervous before going if I don't know anyone there, but once I'm there I'm fine.  I can talk to anyone.  Thing is, I just don't like doing stuff like that on a regular basis.  Once in while and I'm good. 

 

I didn't always embrace my introversion.  As a kid I just thought something was wrong with me because I didn't seem to enjoy certain things other kids enjoyed.  But when I figured out that I saw things differently I felt better. 

 

I'm not at all shy either.  I kinda cringe when people use introversion and shy interchangeably.  There are shy introverts, but not all introverts are shy. 

[Alicia64]

My understanding from books and therapists is simply that introverts get jazzed and energized by being alone, writing, reading, listening to music, watching a great movie. While extroverts get jazzed from being around people and interacting.

 

Bill Clinton was known for "closing down a party" meaning he'd still be there as the last guest was leaving. (Not mean rudely; the story is in many bios on him.)

 

I think of myself as an introvert, but I'm not shy.

 

Alley

[SparklyUnicorn]

Plus my thought is if you don't like these things, stop going to them.  I don't go to parties if I'm not interested in going.  I went to a party on Friday.  I wanted to go because I really like the host and wanted a chance to get to know him outside of when I regularly see him.  Plus he is a smart guy so I figured he had smart friends so I could meet other smart people.  And I was right.  All of his friends were very interesting people.  And the extroverts in the bunch weren't just all about surface chit chat and "look at me". 

 

Be more particular about the invitations you accept.  Don't just go because you think this is something you are supposed to like to do.  I guess I've just gotten to the point where I realize I have a choice when it comes to these sorts of things. 

[Dory]

Introversion and extroversion are not a one side or the other thing. It's more of a spectrum. I find good conversation with one or two people very stimulating, but a day out and about with more people then that and I'll be exhausted and stressed. A day of reading, studying, and music is awesome, but too many days of that and I would go completely nuts.

[goldberry]

No I don't wish I had more extroversion.  I have no trouble at parties.  Sometimes I might get a little nervous before going if I don't know anyone there, but   I can talk to anyone.  Thing is, I just don't like doing stuff like that on a regular basis.  Once in while and I'm good. 

 

 

 

 

 

YES.  This.  Social skills can indeed be learned.  I learned them well.  Anytime I mention being an introvert, people say, "Oh no you're not!"  Because I can carry on a conversation, greet, meet and converse with new people, lead a group effectively and pleasantly, all those nice social things.  

 

And it's not that I don't enjoy it.  I do enjoy it *on occasion*.  But even the times I enjoy it still drain me and I feel the need to retreat and recover afterward.

 

Honestly, I am just now starting to understand this better about myself and am so happy I *get it* now.  When I was a kid and never spoke to anyone, I saw that was not practical or successful in a social world.  So, I watched and imitated an extremely extroverted friend until I could do all those things.  Social skills learned - check.    I thought I *became* an extrovert.  Ha!  No.... my daughter is an extrovert.  She blooms around people.  Embraces everyone in friendship and conversation. It is a joy to see.  And yep, totally different from me.

[Guest]

So, I watched and imitated an extremely extroverted friend until I could do all those things.

Ha ha, yup. When I need to play Gregarious, I say I am "channeling my mother," who is super extroverted.