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Gifted people frustrated with non gifted people.


Sarah0000
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Just pressing forward with the teacher to prove how smart I am has not seemed to work.

 

 

 

How many PG kids have you met?  The PG kids I have and know don't talk to prove how smart they are.  They simply want information shared correctly.  A PG kid in a school is known as a genius immediately, there is nothing to prove.  Stifling them won't solve anything.  I do not believe it is right to teach children to be quiet in the midst of wrong information simply to protect a teachers ego.  

 

This stifling kind of atmosphere will produce adults who can't think for themselves.  Our society needs creative thinkers, innovators, people who QUESTION authority and ideas.  

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"It might just be that you unwittingly are playing part in the bullying we all speak of."

 

I don't think that dealing with the needs of 29 children, rather than the needs of one, is bullying. It sounds like your son has exceptionally high needs and it is great that your family can provide that for him.

 

No, the other kids and other room parents told us he was singled out for punishment.  The school acknowledged it, but would only reassign him to another class.  It was real.

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A high school friend of mine just posted to our class's 20th reunion FB page, (even though we're actually creeping up on our 25th. ;) ) and it occurred to me Jason is exactly what I've been talking about.

 

 

Jason is a brilliant musician. I mean, seriously brilliant. In adulthood, he's the director of bands for an internationally-ranked school system.

When he transferred to our school in the 10th grade, to work under our band director, he could make his trumpet absolutely sing. It truly was a thing of beauty. He was in a competitive drum corps every summer but had to piddle around with us in a small-town school band that didn't even have tryouts or anything. If you wanted to be in band, you were in.

Needless to say, it was a perfect example of the gifted with the non and he was extremely frustrated with we non-gifted. He was probably the best musician we'd had in a decade, and he knew it. He'd been told for years how talented he was. He KNEW we were holding him back during the school year and he was right.

 

And, he was an absolute, arrogant boar that no one could stand. He had no friends his first year and was convinced it was because we were all jealous of him and just couldn't relate.

But something magical happened in the course of the following year. He learned humility.

He learned to appreciate the fact that we were all in band because we loved music, even though the rest of us weren't as good as he was. He learned to enjoy the success of the group as a whole, even if we would have been more so, were we all as talented as he.

He learned to relate to people who weren't in the same place he was and never could be.

By the time we graduated, Jason was one of the more well-liked kids in our class, and most of us have been very proud to watch him succeed through college and into his teaching career.

 

Call it dumbing down if you insist, but in my world it's just called "being nice."

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How many PG kids have you met?  The PG kids I have and know don't talk to prove how smart they are.  They simply want information shared correctly.  A PG kid in a school is known as a genius immediately, there is nothing to prove.  Stifling them won't solve anything.  I do not believe it is right to teach children to be quiet in the midst of wrong information simply to protect a teachers ego.  

 

This stifling kind of atmosphere will produce adults who can't think for themselves.  Our society needs creative thinkers, innovators, people who QUESTION authority and ideas.  

 

I don't understand how a PG kid functions in a classroom with "regular" kids without stifling.  I really don't.  I am glad that you and others have found a way to make it work.  You must have been in different classes than I was as a child.  Please consider that giftedness does not always look the way you expect it to look- a quiet, reserved gifted child can very well blend into the woodwork - even a profoundly gifted one (FWIW I was not one, but I do have siblings).

 

I don't think that holding one's tongue makes a person unable to think for themselves.  I think it creates patience, empathy, humility, and other positive characteristics.  Yes, it can create problems as well, but being able to control your mouth does not negate creativity, innovation, and questioning of the status quo.

 

Waiting to discuss a question or problem after class helps a person delay and weigh the actual importance of the matter - often little errors really aren't worth the effort.  It doesn't ruin the learning for everyone to let small things go.  Interrupting politely is definitely appropriate *sometimes* - but waiting (or letting it go) is almost always also appropriate.

 

Some people hate the words "submission" and "authority" and "deference" and the like.  I am sorry to have used hot button words.  I think they distract from the issue.

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So your kid has PTSD from an abusive teacher.

 

This isn't the same as being annoyed with others Bc they aren't up to snuff.

 

My kid is frustrated all too easily. also 2e. But I'm not really buying that frustration is physically painful. Though his pains me.

 

I do NOT find it appropriate to insult my child.  If you are not a practicing psychiatrist with expertise in the specific area of psychogenia, then please correct your language.  Call me out for an overextended metaphor if you feel you must, but insults are not appropriate.

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I don't understand how a PG kid functions in a classroom with "regular" kids without stifling.  I really don't.  I am glad that you and others have found a way to make it work.  You must have been in different classes than I was as a child.  Please consider that giftedness does not always look the way you expect it to look- a quiet, reserved gifted child can very well blend into the woodwork - even a profoundly gifted one (FWIW I was not one, but I do have siblings).

 

I don't think that holding one's tongue makes a person unable to think for themselves.  I think it creates patience, empathy, humility, and other positive characteristics.  Yes, it can create problems as well, but being able to control your mouth does not negate creativity, innovation, and questioning of the status quo.

 

Waiting to discuss a question or problem after class helps a person delay and weigh the actual importance of the matter - often little errors really aren't worth the effort.  It doesn't ruin the learning for everyone to let small things go.  Interrupting politely is definitely appropriate *sometimes* - but waiting (or letting it go) is almost always also appropriate.

 

Some people hate the words "submission" and "authority" and "deference" and the like.  I am sorry to have used hot button words.  I think they distract from the issue.

 

I think this sums a lot up for HG/PG kids.  It's appropriate to wait for information.  The problem is, it is not appropriate to stifle a child's education.  For this reason, PG kids do not function in a regular classroom setting.  They tune out, pretend to fall in line, or whatever they can to avoid having to try to function.

 

A 115 IQ in a regular class is as out of place as an 85 IQ.  A 130 is as out of place as a 70.  For the Flynn effect, you can shift upwards by 5-10 points for error, but HG starts at 145, and PG at 160.  The PG student often has a greater command of the subject material than the teacher, at least in a subject area or two.  In those situations, the child either must tune out, participate willingly (which almost certainly will result in either correcting the teacher or overwhelming the other kids), or cover up.

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I think this sums a lot up for HG/PG kids. It's appropriate to wait for information. The problem is, it is not appropriate to stifle a child's education. For this reason, PG kids do not function in a regular classroom setting. They tune out, pretend to fall in line, or whatever they can to avoid having to try to function.

 

A 115 IQ in a regular class is as out of place as an 85 IQ. A 130 is as out of place as a 70. For the Flynn effect, you can shift upwards by 5-10 points for error, but HG starts at 145, and PG at 160. The PG student often has a greater command of the subject material than the teacher, at least in a subject area or two. In those situations, the child either must tune out, participate willingly (which almost certainly will result in either correcting the teacher or overwhelming the other kids), or cover up.

I have been following this thread with interest as I am seeing this with my dd long before I expected to. It is heartbreaking to watch her shut down, to see her learn to say 'I don't know' or 'I don't know how' because she has learned that it is the only way to get the adult interaction she craves.

 

I happened to be observing her Montessori classroom (she is PG, turning 5 in Dec, and attends 3 mornings per week) and watched exactly this scenario occur. The teacher was discussing ovals and circles. Alex is very 'mathy'' and we had been working on finding area of ellipses at home. So when the teacher held up and ellipse (calling it an oval, true enough) , Alex raised her hand and when called upon, excitedly shared that an ellipses are a subset of ovals-that whilst all ellipses are ovals, not all ovals are ellipses. The teacher was obviously trying to just get back in task with 20 preschoolers and made a 'that's nice' type comment. You could see the kid deflate, but when the teacher tried to go on and called an oval an ellipse (I guess as a nod to Alex?) Alex interupted with a correction. She wasn't trying to be rude. It was more of a confused, didn't you hear what I said type thing. I made a mental note to discuss HOW it would be appropriate to correct a teacher with her...but when the teacher scolded her with a 'Alex, we do NOT talk when the teacher is talking, you are the child' I watched my kid totally tune out. And it has only gotten worse.

Her teachers are constantly saying 'she just doesn't listen or pay attention.' Well no. She is learning not to.

 

I will not teach her she shouldn't correct a teacher. The world is full, full of incorrect information/misinformation because people don't speak up. Whilst there may be a very, very small population of 'know-it-all' types who like to point out people's mistakes, I do NOT believe that is the case with gifted people. It really is a rub to hear something you KNOW is incorrect, and I cannot for the life of me imagine why one would be happy to sit back and let it go out of convention. I would rather focus my energies to teaching my child appropriate, more effective ways of inquiring/asking for clarification/pointing out errors. As I tell my kid daily, "It is not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it."

 

Mike, I am sorry your child had to go through that. Thank you for sharing, as it makes me doubly intent on watching my kiddo in the context of this classroom.

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The first case is the scenario addressed by the OP.  You make your case...but you, compared to your classmates, are several years ahead of them in vocab and reasoning skills. It goes right over their heads, Peppermint Patty style. In primary, you won't even get thru your very quick contribution before your classmates start acting up...they don't have the attention span and they can't exist for more than a few minutes without interacting with someone. In intermediate; you hear nasty epithets, including some that suggest you should be excluded, from a classroom that is billed as fully included in an inclusive community. Things on your desk will land in the floor every time the class bully walks by.  Your workbooks will be stolen.  Your instrument will be damaged.  In middle school, your contribution to the group is ignored while the group continues to lose Jeopardy since they won't give your right answer (I suspect this is how several teachers ID honors students). There is no frustration about being the only kid in the room that understood the math lesson on the first pass....you do your classwork and move on to your other projects while they are in reteach...chances are 99.9% that you can head down to the library or go talk to the psych, or play chess with the janitor if the libary isn't open for research, or your ILL books aren't in (highly capable students in ele. here can ILL from the middle or high schools) and of course in middle school the band room is always available for an escape. The frustration is that you have no one but the adult to communicate with on your level...and you are being attacked for being 'different', not seen as a member of the class. And that's punctuated every time you get that math paper back with a 100 when the rest of the class has a 20 average.

 

Being highly or profoundly gifted does not automatically mean you will be bullied. The one does not cause the other. It will depend on who is in the class and if those children are prone to bullying. I don't think it is fair to say all children with an intelligence within 2 SD of average will bully a child outside of that norm. I'm sorry that you have had bad experiences or witnessed other children's poor behavior. It's unfortunate and it is also unfortunate that the teachers were not able to control the situation. My DS was in a situation like this and it is part of why we pulled him out of school. I try to tell him that his experience in one classroom was not because of who he is but because of who they were and there's no reason to think it would be like that other places. 

 

In my own school experience, I did not see that. We may have been an anomaly because of the school's location and the community's culture, but the highly or profoundly academically gifted were not bullied. At worst, they were ignored most of the time. Or maybe I'm not observant- it's not my gift. When it came to games like Jeopardy, however, everyone wanted the gifted kids on their teams. I guess it would have been more problematic if teachers graded on the curve in mixed abilities classes. We had one teacher do that, but it was in the gifted class so nobody cared. Or at least I didn't notice. 

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My DH and I have similar intelligence and interests, so we don't have a lot of issues. I do sometimes get frustrated with his mother though. His dad has an iq of 160, and his mother... clearly does not. ;) Now she and I can have good conversations about cooking and sewing (both of which she is good at and very knowledgeable), but if I make a joke, it sometimes goes over her head. I have to be careful about that. I'm used to my family, who all have similar intelligence and understanding of humor. I love my MIL, but yes, sometimes I do get frustrated. I continue to be nice, of course. ;)

 

I've also been on the other side. When my DH and I went to my brother's wedding, it was sometimes difficult to have meaningful conversations. In this case, it wasn't intelligence, but intelligence in different areas. DH, my dad, and I are all engineers. My brother's wife and all of her family are professors in the humanities. Frankly, I felt stupid when talking to them, since they are such academic types. :lol: I wouldn't be surprised if they had been frustrated talking to me, though they didn't show any frustration. They had good manners. ;)

 

I've also experienced frustration in the workplace related to work ethic and not intelligence. I worked as a tester/packer for an engineering company the summer I graduated from high school. The people I worked with were wonderful people, and we got along very well, despite coming from very different backgrounds. But there was one time that I was packing and I was told by some of these people that I needed to slow down. It wasn't that I was causing anyone else to get backed up (i was packing that day, so it was the last step of the process), but that I was working harder and they were looking bad. That was frustrating, that I had to slow down because these grown adults didn't want to work at a reasonable pace. :tongue_smilie:

 

I also remember being frustrated by group projects in school, including college. You always had a couple people willing to work and the rest not, and since the group was graded by what was produced, the people willing to work had to carry the group. For our senior design project, a couple of us worked on programming and one guy did documentation. Another guy got a free A because he didn't know how to program and didn't know English well enough to contribute to documentation. That was frustrating.

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Having been a teacher who was corrected in the classroom, it's really not a big deal…  And kids catch me in sports errors ALL the time.  lol

Frankly, I'd be surprised to find it's common for a teacher to have an issue with being corrected.  Most of us are in this profession because we love to see kids' success.  I love it when I trip over something a kid already has expertise in.

 

The only time it might be a problem is when we're talking about a kid's passion and he wanders off, far and wide, from where we were going as a class.  Then it becomes no different than kids who are dying to tell you their weekend stories and you have to keep roping them back in to the get the project done.  ;)

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We really have not seen this with the kids we know.

 

 

 when we tell ourselves our kids are TOO SMART to be kind or associate with their peers what are we saying??? 

 

 Nobody is telling these kids they shouldn't associate with their peers - their peers are NOT THERE.  Nobody is saying it isn't important to be kind or that intelligence gives anyone a pass on manners.

 

You are fortunate that these things have not been an issue for you.  

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If this is the case, then they will NEVER have peers outside of some highly-specialized field.  It's better to start now, teaching them how important it is to relate to those around them.  

 

I usually lurk in threads like these. Usually don't know how to express clearly what I want to say but I wanted to suggest that some kids will never have peers outside a highly specialized field. Period. They can have friends and acquaintances. But peers, no. And that's not always a bad thing. Because if they do find peers, or even that one peer, it makes up for the lack of quantity. As a parent, I teach my son to be kind, respectful, truthful. I teach him that some things are better left unsaid and to learn to agree to disagree. I teach him to be obedient to some point. To compromise when needed. And he is naturally very empathetic so my work is easier perhaps. But when it comes to seeking peers, I trust he will find them in his own way even if it means getting frustrated (which by the way HAS caused him physical pain in the form of digestive discomfort and inability to sleep well). A true peer will get him and we are thankful that he has found a handful (two are about 50 years older than he is).

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I don't understand how a PG kid functions in a classroom with "regular" kids without stifling.  I really don't.

 

I taught myself to write with both hands. I composed music under my desk, poems, wrote a book. I learned a lot of character traits that have served me well in life. In other words, I learned to deal with it. Some call it stifling. I call it self-control.

 

 

 Nobody is telling these kids they shouldn't associate with their peers - their peers are NOT THERE.

 

I think the idea that someone is only my peer if they have the same IQ as me is the heart of the disagreement.

 

My life is not about expressing my intellect. Intellect is 85 or 185, again, my life is NOT about my intellectual pursuits. It is about what I do for and with the community of humans and life on earth.

 

My peers are those who share in that mission with me.

 

Are they all my moral equals? No. Some are wiser and some more foolish.

 

Are they all my intellectual equals? No. Some are smarter and some less intelligent.

 

Are they all my peers in experience? No. Some have had much more sheltered lives, and some have lived through things I cannot imagine.

 

But overall, we are peers in the most important part of life: the part in which we are striving to make the world a better place for all living things. I'm not even religious! But I thought we were beyond survival and personal enrichment. It's just not all about me.

 

Because remember: it's not only your profoundly gifted child who's stifling something. A child with mechanical skill is being stifled. A child with social skills is being stifled. A child who is bored to heck with academic studies has a lot of parts of himself being stifled. Public school is not exactly Disneyland... for anybody. They say "learning is fun!" all they want, but notice that nobody says, "institutional public school is FUN!" Because it's such a lie for pretty much everyone.

 

Imagine if they were ALL unstifled! All 25 of them. It would be mayhem. Physical kids are sitting at a desk. At least gifted kids can go somewhere in their heads.

 

And I really don't see why just my child's personality and passion should be the one expressed.

 

So many people have things they'd rather be doing than sitting there with 25 other kids talking about something they learned on PBS kids two years ago. Being profoundly gifted is far from the only thing that would make it frustrating.

 

Everyone else has to deal. Why not someone who is very smart?

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Kinda sad to begin with the foregone conclusion that one's kids will find no value in interactions / friendships with other kids (and later, with other adults).  Thankfully I have hope that the kids themselves will prove that theory wrong.

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I'm sorry to hear about your friend. :(

 

I really like this and I know I've read it before. I think I will memorize it with my daughter.

 

 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste.

 

I mean really.  

 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

 

 

http://www.cs.columbia.edu/~gongsu/desiderata_textonly.html

 

*learnt by heart in gr 8 when frankly I would have rather been doing other things.  Me and my childhood BFF learnt together and she is a genius.  Also clinically insane now.  As an aside. 

 

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I taught myself to write with both hands. I composed music under my desk, poems, wrote a book. I learned a lot of character traits that have served me well in life. In other words, I learned to deal with it. Some call it stifling. I call it self-control.

 

 

I think the idea that someone is only my peer if they have the same IQ as me is the heart of the disagreement.

 

My life is not about expressing my intellect. Intellect is 85 or 185, again, my life is NOT about my intellectual pursuits. It is about what I do for and with the community of humans and life on earth.

 

My peers are those who share in that mission with me.

 

Are they all my moral equals? No. Some are wiser and some more foolish.

 

Are they all my intellectual equals? No. Some are smarter and some less intelligent.

 

Are they all my peers in experience? No. Some have had much more sheltered lives, and some have lived through things I cannot imagine.

 

But overall, we are peers in the most important part of life: the part in which we are striving to make the world a better place for all living things. I'm not even religious! But I thought we were beyond survival and personal enrichment. It's just not all about me.

 

Because remember: it's not only your profoundly gifted child who's stifling something. A child with mechanical skill is being stifled. A child with social skills is being stifled. A child who is bored to heck with academic studies has a lot of parts of himself being stifled. Public school is not exactly Disneyland... for anybody. They say "learning is fun!" all they want, but notice that nobody says, "institutional public school is FUN!" Because it's such a lie for pretty much everyone.

 

Imagine if they were ALL unstifled! All 25 of them. It would be mayhem. Physical kids are sitting at a desk. At least gifted kids can go somewhere in their heads.

 

And I really don't see why just my child's personality and passion should be the one expressed.

 

So many people have things they'd rather be doing than sitting there with 25 other kids talking about something they learned on PBS kids two years ago. Being profoundly gifted is far from the only thing that would make it frustrating.

 

Everyone else has to deal. Why not someone who is very smart?

 

 

Kinda sad to begin with the foregone conclusion that one's kids will find no value in interactions / friendships with other kids (and later, with other adults).  Thankfully I have hope that the kids themselves will prove that theory wrong.

 

 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste.

 

I mean really.  

 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

 

 

http://www.cs.columbia.edu/~gongsu/desiderata_textonly.html

 

*learnt by heart in gr 8 when frankly I would have rather been doing other things.  Me and my childhood BFF learnt together and she is a genius.  Also clinically insane now.  As an aside. 

 

If these responses are supposed to be some sort of refutation of what I said about peers, we are really missing one another in the conversation.  

 

But thanks for the discussion.  It has been interesting to hear you perspective.

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We really have not seen this with the kids we know.

 

 

 when we tell ourselves our kids are TOO SMART to be kind or associate with their peers what are we saying??? 

 

Nobody has suggested this.  I still believe that we all feel kids SHOULD be kind to everyone, peers or no.

 

 

 Suggesting your child was damaged by a teacher is an insult? 

 

The PTSD comment did come across a bit strongly, don't you think?

 

 

I don't think anyone has attacked others' experiences.  But the presentation of one reality as ubiquitous is frustrating given that other realities exist.

 

I find these threads are grossly one sided as if gifted kids have only one facet.  That isnt accurate.  Gifted kids can love pokemon and boy scouts and sometimes require social skills training in order to cope with people at the bank and the god forsaken DMV later in life- true.  Or else they can be social butterflies and love school and get along and thrive and be fed (even in public school) and be accommodated and happy little nuts who go to herpetology club and relate to professors on the weekends and afternoons.  

 

 

Being a curmudgeon should not be encouraged simply bc your IQ is high.

 

And it still isn't the point.  I am calm as can be as I sit here, but you are reading anger in language that simply does not exist.  Kids are different, as all people are.  The OP asked if we ever get frustrated, and our cases were simply examples of when and why they do.  We aren't being one-sided.  Examples are simply that -- examples, and not arguments...

 

Just TRY to see the other side.  We are trying to patiently explain.  We can only span half the gap.

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Maybe more specific language would help the discussion?

 

I think what the OP meant to ask is that if one's specific gift is being able to process, accommodate, and assimilate information much more quickly than a large percentage of the population, does that individual find interactions with others to be frustrating?

 

I don't think anyone (hopefully!) meant to suggest that if the individual (child or adult) did find interactions to be frustrating, then the individual should be given free rein to be a jerk about it. :)  Young children who have the above gift and are in situations where they are experiencing frustration will need help from adults in learning how to navigate such situations.  In some cases, the best solution may be to take the child out of those situations until they are older and are better able to cope with the frustration internally.  Heck - that might be the best solution for some adults. ;)

 

FWIW, I've experienced frustration due to differences in processing speeds many times.  I also realize that there are others out there with faster processing speeds than mine and they are probably frustrated with me. :)  Oddly, I chose teaching as a career - I spend my working days repeating the same information multiple times in as many different ways as I can think of to help others understand what comes naturally to me.  For some reason, I don't find teaching nearly as frustrating as everyday interactions.  I'll have to think about why that is...

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"It might just be that you unwittingly are playing part in the bullying we all speak of."

 

I don't think that dealing with the needs of 29 children, rather than the needs of one, is bullying. It sounds like your son has exceptionally high needs and it is great that your family can provide that for him.

 

Singling him out and making him do menial work in the corner IS bullying.

 

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"I think what the OP meant to ask is that if one's specific gift is being able to process, accommodate, and assimilate information much more quickly than a large percentage of the population, does that individual find interactions with others to be frustrating?"

 

What I am trying to say is that I fundamentally disagree that differences between people are the source of frustration.

 

It is our expectations of others that are the source of frustration.

 

We can change those expectations to eliminate the frustration. We don't need anyone to do anything for us, to make any accommodations.

 

I have pointed out before that I was in gifted education; have scored in the top .01% or higher in some parts on IQ tests throughout my life. I'm saying this so that you know that I understand that sometimes you need to work hard to get on the same page as other people. I get it. Some of us have interests and passions that are not shared by many.

 

But ultimately, if you find a hard time connecting with others, my professional opinion is that it sounds like you're human. Relationships and self-sacrifice are hard until you find "the one". But MANY people, not only the highly intelligent, find it difficult to connect with most others.

 

I cannot imagine how difficult my life would have been, had I been told that my frustration were due to some quality in the world and people around me, or in something I could not change, like my personality or intelligence or looks.

 

I would have been paralyzed in a world that I could not control, by the belief that in order to be happy, I would need others to behave in a certain way.

 

Let me share with you another person's experience--my dad's. My poor dad. Without psychologically skilled parents to guide him, he often felt too smart for his environment. Unable to tolerate the slow pace of the classroom because it felt like a personal affront to him, he eventually dropped out and then went back for a high school degree. He did engineering work and filed two patents without a college degree. But ultimately, he did not have a good career. His main problem? He expected others to defer to him; rather than dealing with the world as it was, he blamed it for his unhappiness. My mother said she often had to leave the room when he started out, "Nobody gets it!!!"

 

(She didn't tell me this until much later, after my own divorce.)

 

Because he couldn't change the world, he found other ways to cope with unhappiness. They were not very healthy. :(

 

How different from my own life, and we have similar intellects. How very differently I was raised: by a mother who taught me to find happiness within and not to ask for it from others, who told me to find fulfillment without demanding the labor of others (even in the second grade). How different my life was when I had mentors in high school who pointed out that it's really not what you know but what who you love that connects you with others. How different my experience was when I found I was able to cope with many environments by changing my expectations and behaviors to adapt to many scenarios to succeed.

 

My dad? A lost career because he felt he wasn't recognized. He didn't have the emotional stamina to kiss behind and work up the ladder. Me? Many times I have shut my mouth with the right answer, given it to my boss, and been promoted later.

 

No dad. Nobody gets each other. That's the human condition. Everybody hurts. Everybody.

 

I thank my mother. She was tough with us but she expected us to put others first and to not give in to anger and frustration just because we were not "understood".

 

Only a few in this world write books that express existential loneliness, but those books are read and understood by millions and hundreds of millions. Think about that. The key to happiness is not in realizing you are special, but in realizing that you are not.

 

No matter how smart you are. :)

 

 

Please note:

 

I do not want to diminish the very difficult lives that are experienced by people on the autistic spectrum. But I would say that that is not a question of giftedness, but a question of difficulty relating to others that has to do with being on the autistic spectrum. If someone had posted "autistic people frustrated with not understanding the need to sacrifice intellectual pursuits for the group harmony" my answers sure would be different to this thread because it is a big challenge for people on the autistic spectrum to learn to cope with things that come so naturally to others.

 

But that is not the question posed in this thread. If that is the question, it needs to be rephrased, because that's not what it sounds like.

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What I am trying to say is that I fundamentally disagree that differences between people are the source of frustration.

 

It is our expectations of others that are the source of frustration.

 

We can change those expectations to eliminate the frustration. We don't need anyone to do anything for us, to make any accommodations.

 

I have pointed out before that I was in gifted education; have scored in the top .01% or higher in some parts on IQ tests throughout my life. I'm saying this so that you know that I understand that sometimes you need to work hard to get on the same page as other people. I get it. Some of us have interests and passions that are not shared by many.

 

But ultimately, if you find a hard time connecting with others, my professional opinion is that it sounds like you're human. Relationships and self-sacrifice are hard until you find "the one". But MANY people, not only the highly intelligent, find it difficult to connect with most others.

 

I cannot imagine how difficult my life would have been, had I been told that my frustration were due to some quality in the world and people around me, or in something I could not change, like my personality or intelligence or looks.

 

I would have been paralyzed in a world that I could not control, by the belief that in order to be happy, I would need others to behave in a certain way.

 

Let me share with you another person's experience--my dad's. My poor dad. Without psychologically skilled parents to guide him, he often felt too smart for his environment. Unable to tolerate the slow pace of the classroom because it felt like a personal affront to him, he eventually dropped out and then went back for a high school degree. He did engineering work and filed two patents without a college degree. But ultimately, he did not have a good career. His main problem? He expected others to defer to him; rather than dealing with the world as it was, he blamed it for his unhappiness. My mother said she often had to leave the room when he started out, "Nobody gets it!!!"

 

(She didn't tell me this until much later, after my own divorce.)

 

Because he couldn't change the world, he found other ways to cope with unhappiness. They were not very healthy. :(

 

How different from my own life, and we have similar intellects. How very differently I was raised: by a mother who taught me to find happiness within and not to ask for it from others, who told me to find fulfillment without demanding the labor of others (even in the second grade). How different my life was when I had mentors in high school who pointed out that it's really not what you know but what who you love that connects you with others. How different my experience was when I found I was able to cope with many environments by changing my expectations and behaviors to adapt to many scenarios to succeed.

 

My dad? A lost career because he felt he wasn't recognized. He didn't have the emotional stamina to kiss behind and work up the ladder. Me? Many times I have shut my mouth with the right answer, given it to my boss, and been promoted later.

 

No dad. Nobody gets each other. That's the human condition. Everybody hurts. Everybody.

 

I thank my mother. She was tough with us but she expected us to put others first and to not give in to anger and frustration just because we were not "understood".

 

Only a few in this world write books that express existential loneliness, but those books are read and understood by millions and hundreds of millions. Think about that. The key to happiness is not in realizing you are special, but in realizing that you are not.

 

No matter how smart you are. :)

 

 

Please note:

 

I do not want to diminish the very difficult lives that are experienced by people on the autistic spectrum. But I would say that that is not a question of giftedness, but a question of difficulty relating to others that has to do with being on the autistic spectrum. If someone had posted "autistic people frustrated with not understanding the need to sacrifice intellectual pursuits for the group harmony" my answers sure would be different to this thread because it is a big challenge for people on the autistic spectrum to learn to cope with things that come so naturally to others.

 

But that is not the question posed in this thread. If that is the question, it needs to be rephrased, because that's not what it sounds like.

 

I hear what you are saying, Binip.  I do.  I sense frustration (ironically :) ).  Please understand - by saying I may experience frustration in a given situation, I am in no way saying that I wish for other people to change to minimize my frustration.  You are absolutely correct - my frustration is mine to deal with and by changing my attitude and expectation of others, my frustration would probably be lessened.  But that doesn't mean that I don't still feel frustration. :)  I think people with a gift for mental processing speed are wanting to be heard and possibly hear that yes - others have experienced the same frustration.  We aren't saying that feeling the frustration is a good thing or something to crow about or something that should be perpetuated and not dealt with.  I'm still working toward's Maslow's ideal of self-actualization - I'm not there yet. :)  I definitely feel badly that I experience frustration with others and each day I try to work towards changing my expectations so that maybe, some day, I won't feel that frustration any more.  My feeling of frustration is valid because it's mine to feel.  KWIM?  That doesn't make it right or good or something I'm not working to change.  But it also doesn't mean that I don't feel it.

 

(My apologies if this is somewhat convoluted.  Written expression is NOT a gift of mine. :) )

 

ETA:  Thought about this a bit more.  I think we are both saying that the frustration exists - after all, if it didn't your mom wouldn't have had to teach you how to deal with it constructively.  Where we differ is that you feel the frustration has nothing to do with mental processing speed - it (the frustration) is just a byproduct of being human and dealing with other humans who aren't exactly alike.  We may have to agree to disagree but that's OK.  I still enjoy the discussion. :)

 

EETA :) :  Now I think we're even closer in our thoughts.  We're both saying the frustration exists.  We're both saying that it exists because there are differences between the two parties so that one individual's expectations of the other (and, possibly, vice versa) need to be adjusted.  I'm just also defining the difference.  I think defining the difference can help kids (or adults) in any situation deal more effectively with their frustrations with others.  If I experience frustration while driving, it's because my driving style is different from the people around me.  Do I need to adjust my style to match those in my current driving environment rather than expect them to change?  Yes. :)  But, for me, I find it helpful if I can figure out specifically what the differences are and what they are due to.  I find that helpful.  You may not.  That's OK. :)

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"My feeling of frustration is valid because it's mine to feel."

 

Yes, I agree, and I'm not trying to invalidate anybody's feelings. We all face frustration and it is... well... frustrating.

 

I really appreciate your taking the time to read my posts.

 

My thought is not that it's not valid frustration, but that it's not only your frustration, and I seriously doubt that it comes from a unique problem that others don't have. Given that so many people in the world feel they are not understood, or heard, or valued, is this really a gifted problem?

 

I think that viewing one's self as special, as having a special problem, is part of what creates the frustration in the first place.

 

"I'm special, I know something you don't, why is that not recognized?" That sets somebody up for disappointment. I guarantee you, even a future Nobel Prize winner is going to have to kiss her professor's butt during her PhD work. Feeling like she's the only one who's frustrated, or that it stems from her intelligence rather than her expectations, will not help her in any way whatsoever. I understand that in the context of someone who talks over others, intelligence may seem to be the source of frustration. But to me, that thought and that expression is the problem in and of itself. Putting the blame for the feeling on the circumstance, rather than the mindset, is where we run into trouble.

 

If we cling to being smart, being beautiful, being popular, being of a certain race, whatever, as the cause of the problem, or as an important part of the problem--then we can blame part of that frustration on others, or on things we can't change. That absolves us of the responsibility to make the change.

 

It's only when we realize that it is something that we can change, namely, our expectations of industrialized institutional environments, and of other people's ability to understand us and our context, that we can really take control and reduce frustration.

 

Of course I am not saying I have fully done that!

 

Of course I get frustrated, though rarely because I feel I'm not understood. Mainly it's being cut off in traffic. HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE TO MERGE? THERE WERE LIKE 15 SIGNS! (Though I realize that I can do nothing about other people's driving, so it's fruitless and I should just treat it like the weather and take a deep breath... that is the theory, and then there is the reality of a woman trying to get home from work.) So I'm not saying I have this whole detachment thing down.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my posts. I appreciate it. I believe we understand one another's viewpoints better now. That is huge progress on an internet message board. :)

 

(Incidentally... I'm not actually frustrated, I'm procrastinating and a fast typer. Heh. Sometimes that comes across all wrong.)

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What I am trying to say is that I fundamentally disagree that differences between people are the source of frustration.

 

It is our expectations of others that are the source of frustration.

 

 

 

I cannot imagine how difficult my life would have been, had I been told that my frustration were due to some quality in the world and people around me, or in something I could not change, like my personality or intelligence or looks.

 

 

 

 

 

You may find frustration in your expectations of others, I find my greatest frustrations in my expectations of myself.  I think this is what makes our underlying assumptions/arguments mismatched.

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I find my greatest frustrations in my expectations of myself.

 

That's actually a much greater source of frustration for me personally, but that is not really what this thread was posted about so I haven't talked about it, just like I'm not really addessing the difficulties faced by those on the autistic spectrum. I understood this thread to be about finding frustration in communicating with / dealing with / waiting for other people.

 

But ultimately my point is all comes down to the fact that a huge amount of frustration in life is about what we expect rather than about what is. Some people do have fewer expectations for themselves, but I'm not sure that high intellectual ability people are more likely to get frustrated with themselves than those with low ability. The question is when they learn to cope.

 

Funny how some say children with certain severe disabilities seem so happy... They probably adjust their expectations early on. That is something anybody could do, no matter how intelligent. We're alive. We're here with the trees, making something from nothing. Let's rejoice and leave our big brains out of it. :~)

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Yes, the way you worded that is what I meant as far as my personal experiences. But more generally I was also curious about any and all experiences since I've been reading that this is a problem in every single book I've picked up about gifted children. FWIW, I've not finished a single one of these books because they seem so...void of practical how to cope information for parents.

 

The more I thought about my occasional communication barriers with DH the more I realized that its probably a difference in the way we think rather than intelligence. I think much more abstractly and conceptually than he does, and he often cannot understand the point I'm getting at when I talk that way. But I assume that abstract thinking isn't necessarily a high intelligence trait...or are they often linked?

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I hear what you are saying and I definitely know what you are talking about with respect to communication with our loved ones. :) I think men in general can think very abstractly but when dealing with problems in life that apply to them, in general they seem to take a more concrete approach (even the very abstract thinking men).

 

Regarding your second paragraph:

 

I think that intelligence is not well understood. Beyond processing speed, which shows up in IQ tests, there is so little we know about how potential intelligence is expressed. All IQ tests are timed, so one thing that we do not know is how many people would test as high IQ if given as much time as they needed and proper mental preparation (e.g. "We believe you can do this.").

 

We do know that some processes, which only a few computers can do, take a long time, but give us answers that can't be gotten another, faster way. Why not so with people? What if only some people have particular genius, but are never asked to use it because nobody thinks that anything good can come of such a slow person?

 

As a matter of principle I try not to assume anything about the intelligence of someone based on their ability to see my point of view or get my point.

 

I'll never forget a boy in high school who was so decidedly average that I was only in one class with him--a required civics class for which there was no honors option. But we had a certain type of exam, oral map exams, and when we saw him do that test in like, 10 seconds flat with no errors, we realized right away that we'd all underestimated him. He had a very special spatial visualization gift and all of a sudden the fact that he was good with cars and mechanics made sense. He could do something that I've never seen anybody do since, and I've tried with lots of people because I think I was witnessing something amazing. He did it without studying (he never studied because he wasn't "book smart").

 

He never went to college. He fixes cars now, I think. But hey, no gifted label, no quick processing, not smart, right?

 

He didn't take physics with us. Not good enough at the math, they said.

 

The world has lost a potentially incredible mechanical engineer.

 

I wouldn't assume anything about abstract thinking, spatial thinking, intelligence, verbal ability, and processing speed, personally. I think life and the human brain are too full of potential to make assumptions. Back in the day, people like me with poor oral comprehension but great visual comprehension (now used for all the print and digital technology we have) would have been considered dunces. I don't remember rhymes without working really, really hard! But nowadays it is people like me, not like my older daughter who is great at memorizing poems, who are on top in the IQ tests. Aren't I special... or am I?

 

There is a story about one modern philosopher who was given the All Souls exam at Oxford (I cannot remember which philosopher it was, darnit) who did not finish. Having seen his papers, which were out-of-this-world brilliant, they gave him a nearly unprecedented second chance to take the test un-timed. He wrote what is now considered the start of a modern classic.

 

Imagine if they would have just said, "Well, we feel really frustrated by the fact that you did not finish. Your processing speed is too slow for us gifted folks." (And I'm pretty sure a lot of the faculty at Oxford would test as "gifted".)

 

 

I've been reading that this is a problem in every single book I've picked up about gifted children.

 

That is probably the number one reason I don't read those books, heh. I know a lot of people in the sciences and academia, and I don't know a single person who was labeled and fostered as a child to get where they were. Everyone was very self-motivated and I think most of us achieved what we did by developing character overcoming obstacles, NOT by being recognized as someone with a special talent.

 

I realize it may be useful in some contexts, such as developing a homeschool curriculum, or dealing with a child who has a drastically different personality to that of mom or dad. But I can never stand to get through the lines that make what I can't help but see as exceptions for people.

 

There is a book I'm going to read on mindset which is recommended by our school: http://alumni.stanford.edu/get/page/magazine/article/?article_id=32124

 

I think that would be more useful in dealing with frustration than anything dealing with gifted individuals, per se. But I haven't read it yet. I have gotten a lot of great recommendations, though, from very smart people (math PhDs, in case you're wondering whether you can be smart and appreciate it ;).

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Yes, I agree, and I'm not trying to invalidate anybody's feelings. We all face frustration and it is... well... frustrating.

 

I really appreciate your taking the time to read my posts.

 

My thought is not that it's not valid frustration, but that it's not only your frustration, and I seriously doubt that it comes from a unique problem that others don't have. Given that so many people in the world feel they are not understood, or heard, or valued, is this really a gifted problem?

 

I think that viewing one's self as special, as having a special problem, is part of what creates the frustration in the first place.

 

"I'm special, I know something you don't, why is that not recognized?" That sets somebody up for disappointment. I guarantee you, even a future Nobel Prize winner is going to have to kiss her professor's butt during her PhD work. Feeling like she's the only one who's frustrated, or that it stems from her intelligence rather than her expectations, will not help her in any way whatsoever. I understand that in the context of someone who talks over others, intelligence may seem to be the source of frustration. But to me, that thought and that expression is the problem in and of itself. Putting the blame for the feeling on the circumstance, rather than the mindset, is where we run into trouble.

 

If we cling to being smart, being beautiful, being popular, being of a certain race, whatever, as the cause of the problem, or as an important part of the problem--then we can blame part of that frustration on others, or on things we can't change. That absolves us of the responsibility to make the change.

 

It's only when we realize that it is something that we can change, namely, our expectations of industrialized institutional environments, and of other people's ability to understand us and our context, that we can really take control and reduce frustration.

 

Of course I am not saying I have fully done that!

 

Of course I get frustrated, though rarely because I feel I'm not understood. Mainly it's being cut off in traffic. HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE TO MERGE? THERE WERE LIKE 15 SIGNS! (Though I realize that I can do nothing about other people's driving, so it's fruitless and I should just treat it like the weather and take a deep breath... that is the theory, and then there is the reality of a woman trying to get home from work.) So I'm not saying I have this whole detachment thing down.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my posts. I appreciate it. I believe we understand one another's viewpoints better now. That is huge progress on an internet message board. :)

 

(Incidentally... I'm not actually frustrated, I'm procrastinating and a fast typer. Heh. Sometimes that comes across all wrong.)

 

:)  I just assumed frustration on your part because you bolded some of your sentences.  I thought that bolding when typing was a way to express, "You're not hearing me!  LOOK at this!" but I could be wrong.  I tend to be wrong in most communication situations.  Communication is not a strong suit of mine. :D

 

I think we do understand each other more - thank you for reading my posts and taking the time to respond.  If I might put forth one thing?  If I recognize that at least part of the reason I have frustrations with my interactions with another individual is because my processing speed is quicker, I don't see that as "viewing myself as special", "clinging to being smart", or thinking "I'm special, I know something you don't, why is that not recognized?". :)  I know that your past with your dad may have coloured your thinking a bit in that area but I promise - that's not what I'm thinking. :)  As a teacher, if I can recognize exactly why a student doesn't understand me (which may cause me internal frustration), I'm better able to change how I communicate with that student.  I'm also not saying that every time a gifted person feels frustration in life, it's because he/she is gifted! LOL  Maybe that's what I'm not communicating well - giftedness is never an excuse for anything, nor does it define an individual.  Your experience is that your dad used it as an excuse and allowed it to define him in negative ways.  I don't think by helping gifted kids to understand that they are wired differently and that might be where some of the frustration arises from in their lives is giving them a life-long excuse or locking them into a one-dimensional view of themselves.  If people use a diagnosis of giftedness to do those things, that's unfortunate and should be remedied.  If gifted individuals grow up without the guidance, such as your mom gave to you, to identify, recognize, and cope with frustrations due to gifted issues, that's also unfortunate and can hopefully be remedied in later life.  Individuals with faster processing speeds have brains that are wired differently - that can cause frustration.  Individuals with superb, inate athletic skills are wired differently - that can cause frustration.  Individuals who are naturally wired to be wonderfully caring and amazing communicators are wired differently - that can cause frustration.  All can be remedied through, as you say, changing one's expectations of others.  I just also happen to think it's important to define the differences. :)

 

Gah.  Now I think I'm just rambling. :)  We do agree on the basics.  I just don't want anyone reading this thread to feel that his/her own experience as a gifted individual or the experiences of their gifted kids is invalidated or wrong or is something they need to shove under the rug and pretend it's not there.  I think a few posters may have felt that and that's why they bowed out.  I'm sorry for that. :(

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I think the frustration comes from the situation NOT the people themselves.  I am not necessarily a fan of labeling, but I do think we need to be sensitive to the fact that these kids- especially PG need intellectual peers  (yes they need social peers too- but those aren't hard to find)  I was labeled as a kid and was thankful for what little gifted programming I received.  It was the only part of school I really enjoyed.  My cousin, who is much smarter, likely PG, went unlabeled and unchallenged in a dinky school district and it hurt him.  He felt lonely, unwanted and different.  He knows now why he felt that way, but it took him until age 40 to get there.  If it was actually acknowledged he feels it would have been easier for him to understand why he felt different.  

 

Seriously- the argument that kids need to learn how to get along without just being around intellectual peers all the time?  What on earth?  I live in an area where there is an active PG group and my kids have several intellectual peers.  Even when I work hard at it they get to see them maybe once a month.  I bet most of us with PG kids see intellectual peers even less.  The rest of their time is spent with the heterogeneous real world.  To assume they need more interaction with the normal population is ridiculous.

 

I feel like a lot of people use PhDs as examples.  Not all PhDs are PG, or even mildly gifted.  Many people in grad school get there through hard work and determination- I applaud that.  No question people of normal intelligence have to work harder to get there.  I respect their determination.  I have a doctorate and all throughout my schooling I hated groupwork, because people just didn't catch on fast enough- that includes graduate work.  Yes it is frustration- and NOT at any people, but rather the situation.  Grad school of most kinds is rigorous, and I had no money and had to work while most others didn't.  I only had so much time and for me to spend time explaining something to group members took up my precious time. I could have been studying or sleeping.  Of course I was never rude and I got through.  But to tell someone that feeling frustrated isn't valid- unreasonable- of course it is valid.  

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He never went to college. He fixes cars now, I think. But hey, no gifted label, no quick processing, not smart, right?

 

 

 

There is a story about one modern philosopher who was given the All Souls exam at Oxford (I cannot remember which philosopher it was, darnit) who did not finish. Having seen his papers, which were out-of-this-world brilliant, they gave him a nearly unprecedented second chance to take the test un-timed. He wrote what is now considered the start of a modern classic.

 

Imagine if they would have just said, "Well, we feel really frustrated by the fact that you did not finish. Your processing speed is too slow for us gifted folks." (And I'm pretty sure a lot of the faculty at Oxford would test as "gifted".)

 

 

 

 

Ah...  This is possibly where some of the misunderstanding is occurring.  Totally my fault - mea culpa.  The terms "giftedness" and "fast processing speed" should not be used interchangeably and I think I have been doing so - my bad. :)  Of course someone with low processing speeds can be absolutely brilliant.  I thought we were only discussing individuals with fast processing speeds as their particular gift and how that might affect interactions with other individuals whose processing speeds weren't as fast.  My fault.  I didn't realize there were two parallel conversations going on. :)

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Connie, thank you so much for your humility! Actually I think someone or more than one pp referred to speed before you did. The actual words "processing speed" might not have been used but there was reference to working/ thinking faster vs slower. :)

 

I myself have made the mistake of thinking that higher processing speed is always more indicative of intelligence but it took parenting and several humbling experiences to learn how wrong I was. And even when one is tested to have very high processing speed, he/ she can still come across as being slow due to other things going on. It's fascinating stuff but perhaps best left for another thread. Anyway, my point is I didn't think it right for you to take responsibility when speed had already come up.

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On the hopeful side of this topic,  I found the brilliant children I had the pleasure of mentoring from epsilon camp this summer, to be extremely considerate of and patient, even gentle, with each other, even though there were many occasions on which some saw through problems much more quickly than others.  They generously helped each other, thanked each other, and honestly acknowledged their own errors.  I often tried to take a lesson from them for my own style of responding.  Maybe something is changing in these new generations from the way I grew up.  A lot of them are home schooled, by the way, and some attend public schools which seem to genuinely accommodate and perhaps celebrate the gifted.

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  • 6 years later...

Yes, it is incredibly frustrating. Nothing I can do seems that hard to me, so I don't understand how it can be hard for anyone else. Although I know I have a high IQ, I FEEL like I am average to rather stupid. For this reason, I am incredulous when someone can't understand something that I can understand. It just seems to me like they are not trying. And in all fairness, they likely are not trying.

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On 10/21/2014 at 6:03 AM, kroe1 said:

I do not see this as a gifted, non-gifted problem. This occurs anytime anyone knows something or has the skill to do something that another cannot understand or learn right away. If the person with the knowledge just happens to be gifted, patience for others is still taught the same way.

+1 I had a very gifted friend. She was one of those people that can do anything after learning it once (calculus, oil painting, theoretical physics). I could tell she sort of talked at „our“ level. But she is very funny and humble, and as a result has a lot of friends, both average and profoundly gifted. I actually think parents with gifted children ought to pay special attention to teaching them social graces. 

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On 9/17/2021 at 12:35 PM, GracieJane said:

+1 I had a very gifted friend. She was one of those people that can do anything after learning it once (calculus, oil painting, theoretical physics). I could tell she sort of talked at „our“ level. But she is very funny and humble, and as a result has a lot of friends, both average and profoundly gifted. I actually think parents with gifted children ought to pay special attention to teaching them social graces. 

The thing is, your friend might have a very different perception. That is, she may be able to relate socially and get along great with people in a range of levels and life-but find it more emotionally taxing to do so. It’s like the comments my kid got about being so good with younger children as a tween/early teen. 

 

Statements like “Parents need to teach social graces” puts the load on parents and forgets that MANY PG kids are 2e, and ASD, ADHD, NVLD, anxiety and similar conditions all complicate matters socially. 

 

And, for those reading now-my kid, who struggled so much socially when younger is now extremely happy at a CTCL LAC, with a large population of autodidadic polymaths, where it is perfectly natural to be passionate about multiple subjects and areas and have focused interests, but also, where you have a lot more people to draw your friendship circle from. So, it does get better. 

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On 10/22/2014 at 2:07 AM, Indian summer said:

I find that when I take the time to get to know (ahem) non gifted people, I usually find them to be gifted in, perhaps, non academic areas, but it completely amazes me that it appears most people have some giftedness. To say that a person gifted in schoolish subjects is somehow above those who aren't is incredibly rude. I understand where our society places its value, but I think it's incredibly ignorant.

I don't think anyone thinks that.  Where I live it is fine to have a kid who is gifted in sports and encourage them and even boast but completely unacceptable to have a child that excells academically.

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6 hours ago, EKS said:

It's an old thread, but it absolutely should be here.  

It speaks about related, but forgive me, it sounds like disturbed thoughts of few, rather than an opinion of gifted. 

No wonder when ppl hear gifted kids they drag their own and find happiness somewhere else🤪

 

 

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I think that communicating with anybody who isn't like you can be difficult and, at times, frustrating.  The difference can be due to intelligence, but it can also be due to differences in knowledge about a particular topic, or interest in a topic, or differences in the amount of emotional intimacy offered/expected by the other person.  So, I'd go with...sure, it can sometimes be frustrating to talk to somebody who isn't a intellectually quick as you are.  But, I'm not sure that it's any more frustrating than talking to the person obsessed with one topic that they won't quit talking about or any other mismatch that you can think of.  For some gifted people, intellectual differences may be the most common mismatch that they deal with.  For others, depending on their social circle, priorities, and interests, it won't be.  In high school, for instance, I specifically didn't hang with the other students in my honors classes because of different...moral standards, maybe?  At any rate, I spent my weekend social time with a different group that were really good people.  We didn't have intellectual conversations, but we encouraged each other and I learned a lot.  The point is, no matter which group I chose to spend time with, there wasn't a group that was 'me', so there was going to be a mismatch of some sort.  

With one of my kids, we taught code switching explicitly.  Talking in Shakespearean English is funny and appreciated by your fellow nerds at Science Olympiad events. If you do it at ball practice, it's so unexpected that people can't figure out what you are saying.  At ball practice, use short sentences with standard words...not because people aren't smart, but because that's how people talk at ball practice, when it's already hard to hear because a lot of instruction is yelled across a field and it just sort of carriers over into conversation.  As you get to know people, you adjust to the individual.  But, even at ball practice, people can appreciate the nerdiness - kid is known for being able to calculate and remember team and individual stats, for instance.  

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8 hours ago, Clemsondana said:

I think that communicating with anybody who isn't like you can be difficult and, at times, frustrating.  The difference can be due to intelligence, but it can also be due to differences in knowledge about a particular topic, or interest in a topic, or differences in the amount of emotional intimacy offered/expected by the other person.  So, I'd go with...sure, it can sometimes be frustrating to talk to somebody who isn't a intellectually quick as you are.  But, I'm not sure that it's any more frustrating than talking to the person obsessed with one topic that they won't quit talking about or any other mismatch that you can think of.  For some gifted people, intellectual differences may be the most common mismatch that they deal with.  For others, depending on their social circle, priorities, and interests, it won't be.  In high school, for instance, I specifically didn't hang with the other students in my honors classes because of different...moral standards, maybe?  At any rate, I spent my weekend social time with a different group that were really good people.  We didn't have intellectual conversations, but we encouraged each other and I learned a lot.  The point is, no matter which group I chose to spend time with, there wasn't a group that was 'me', so there was going to be a mismatch of some sort.  

With one of my kids, we taught code switching explicitly.  Talking in Shakespearean English is funny and appreciated by your fellow nerds at Science Olympiad events. If you do it at ball practice, it's so unexpected that people can't figure out what you are saying.  At ball practice, use short sentences with standard words...not because people aren't smart, but because that's how people talk at ball practice, when it's already hard to hear because a lot of instruction is yelled across a field and it just sort of carriers over into conversation.  As you get to know people, you adjust to the individual.  But, even at ball practice, people can appreciate the nerdiness - kid is known for being able to calculate and remember team and individual stats, for instance.  

OP here.

I love this answer. This is where we found ourselves going over the past couple of years.  And to update...of course this topic doesn't stem from any sense of superiority, but from the practical need to get along happily with those around us. FWIW, my oldest DS, 9yo, he whom sparked this post, is now being referred for ASD evaluation. He received an ADHD diagnosis two years ago. So yes, there are several things going on at once making it difficult to communicate well with others.

I was labeled gifted as a child. I have difficulty communicating with others and have learned so much since being a parent of this child. I'm finding that others, soccer coaches, teachers, parents, sincerely do want to find ways to communicate with my son effectively. Most in real life don't hold his gifted speech or his lack of understanding speech against him (occasionally other kids but an adult steps in). 

We are learning. Society is learning.

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