How to not by bothered by day-to-day annoyances

[PhotoGal]

Does anyone have any tips? I find myself getting flustered by things that logically are no big deal. For example, the kids are bickering, the youngest is demanding something, then I accidentally bump a cup over spilling water on the table, then the phone starts ringing - I know none of these are really important issues, but it still gets overwhelming at times. 

 

We are hoping to have more kids, so I would love a way to rise above these kinds of things and focus on joy, connection, things that have long term impact. Has anyone been successful keeping things in perspective in the moment?  I always look back and think, why did I get so flustered when small things "go wrong" during the day? 

[Rosie_0801]

Are you getting enough sleep, water and some protein with breakfast?

 

 

And take the phone off the hook. ;)

[TeacherZee]

What helps me is a phrase that I repeat over in my head like a mantra. Right now I get annoyed with things I actually can't change so my mantra is "Not my circus, not my monkeys". For you "This too shall pass" might work better. I repeat it and take deep breaths until I have calmed down. I've found that doing this helps me relax and when I relax I become less annoyed with the little things

[Chris in VA]

I notice more and more my tendency to get overloaded and how it's connected to sensory input. I can't function without a low-level of anxiety when things get too noisy, for instance. I am more on-edge. So for me, that feeling is connected to anxiety and my helps are to deal with the anxiety.

 

My df told me once that I needed to "draw a bigger circle." She meant like a circle of impact around myself--so that I could stop the domino reactions I was having to too much at once, if you know what I mean.

 

While not everything is in my control (thank goodness! lol), I can both gain skill in dealing with sensory input and limit that input a bit.

 

Maybe you could brainstorm a few ways to cope better.

 

Things that helped me--

Make sure I make time to have some moments of calm, or quiet, or whatever.

Don't play music as backround.

Keep a rhythmic and don't stress about a time-based schedule

Keep clutter down--visually it stresses me, but I'm not a good housekeeper, so I try to minimize things

Brain dump on paper when I'm ready for sleep--I get anxious when I think I'll forget something, but doing this helps me know I'll be ok

Try to "tackle" ala Jean--choose two or three essential things to do for the next day. If I do even one, I feel better

Mentally go thru my anxiety list that I keep in my head--things that I have been meaning to do that I've put off or things I can't control, that are very subtly contributing to feelings of anxiety. When I can lessen the list, I feel a release of energy, and I don't react as much to things around me that make me edgy--i.e., I have more patience, I'm less anxious, I'm kinder, etc.

 

Haven't had a lot of coffee yet--hope this jumble makes sense.

 

 

 

[momee]

When you figure out that secret you can let the rest of us in on it :)  

 

I don't give myself enough credit by thinking after 21 years of marriage/parenting I've gotten any better but I know I have.

 

Age helps tremendously.  I think we mellow as we get older and realize those things will happen.  If you let them get to you - they surely will.

 

(Speaking as one who is dealing with alot of things falling in the dump lately - I'm exhausted and can't worry about each one.  I'm learning my peace and rest has SO MUCH to do with what I allow to fire me up.  I think it takes practice - tuning that stuff out and simply fixing the problem as best you can instead of reacting emotionally to all of it.)

[momee]

Chris in Va - hope I'm not derailing but have you read Getting Things Done?  Either you have and you're restating some of the things you've learned or you haven't and might really enjoy it.  He talks so much about the clutter in our mind and how it keeps us prisoners from fully concentrating.  

go to google search and type David Allen and watch any of his video introductions about his method.

 

He talks about things that are on our minds as psychic real estate.  I wonder what that would look like if we had a thread where women just do that mental "dump" of our psychic real estate.  The boards would explode, lol.

 

So back to the OP = remembering to slow down and not let everything roll together might help.  Take one issue at a time?  I know when I "go off" on dh or the kids - its really because everything has become too much and I'm about to explode.  Just a thought to try to help...

[Night Elf]

Time-outs for mom. That's what I did when my kids were younger and my role in the household was much more active. The kids would play or watch tv, and I'd go into another room with a drink, a snack, and do something I enjoyed. That may have been to watch a particular show, or read, or lesson plan (which I loved doing).

[....]

Does anyone have any tips? 

 

I grew up in a family where everyone just freaked out and flew off the handle the instant something bad happened.  As a parent, I'm the complete opposite.  Instead of instantly reacting to stuff, I just stop for a few seconds and am completely quiet.  I have to be conscious about it, too, because my first reaction is for my head to catch fire and explode the second something happens.  

 

If it's any consolation, I've just started to hone this skill in the last 3-4 years (and I'm in my late 30s).  It takes practice. 

 

Not sure that made any sense.  Stop.  Wait.  It's OK.   :coolgleamA:

 

I agree that sensory stuff in our environment is a huge part of it.  

[Slache]

I agree with Rosie. The only person who can get through to me from morning until after dinner on weekdays is my husband.

 

Exercise is good too.

 

If you're spiritual don't neglect your spirituality (pray, read, meditate).

[Chris in VA]

Momee, no, I haven't read that--but it doesn't surprise me that there's an "official" technique! lol

 

I find many theraputic suggestions are good sense things that some stumble across on their own--it's much more efficient to get them from someone else, though!

[fairfarmhand]

First, how is your self-care? That's where I always have to start. Am I going to bed on time? Am I eating properly? Am I releasing tension through exercise?

 

Then, I have to pay attention to my pressure valve. I have a teapot that works its way up from a tiny squeal to a full, shrill whistle. When the tension in me starts bubbling, I need to step away before I get to the full, screaming whistle.

 

Honestly, it takes practice to hone this. You have to train your children to leave you alone for 5 minutes. And you have to teach yourself, that yes, it's okay to walk away from the puddle of Koolaid on the floor. That nothing bad will happen if the kids sit in their rooms alone for 5 minutes screaming and crying.

 

And then I have to set myself up for success. Start each day envisioning how I will handle the chaos.

[kewb]

I find the less sleep I get the more easily flustered and off the hook crazy I can be.  Making sure I am rested and fed and that I have some quiet time helps quite a bit.  I also repeat "not my circus, not my monkeys" when I realize I am getting sucked into drama.

 

[Katy]

I agree with what's mentioned above, and I would only add a gratitude journal (be specific and don't repeat), and playing hymns or worship music in the background makes everyone calm down around here.

[kewb]

I agree with what's mentioned above, and I would only add a gratitude journal (be specific and don't repeat), and playing hymns or worship music in the background makes everyone calm down around here.

We have a good things jar. It helps to remind us to count our blessings. Any time something good happens it goes in the jar. We read them all on New Year's Day and reminisce about all the good things that happened over the past year. Then we start it again.

[bolt.]

It helped me when I realized that I don't have to avoid or prevent the emotion.

 

What I mean is that it is just plain OK to be irritated (just experience it) for 2 minutes, 6 or 10 times a day. It's just the same as waiting in line-ups, or stopping at stop lights, or having to pee... A minor part if life that takes up a tiny percentage of my time. I don't have to like it, but I also don't have to do anything about it.

 

I'm not a bad person for feeling irritation when irritating things happen.

 

I'm not a bad parent because I haven't yet smoothed all irritating factors out our days.

 

There's no one out to get me just because irritating things occur from time to time.

 

Irritation is so fleeting that it's usually gone by the next sip of tea or funny child moment. Unless I make it into "Personal flaw! Oh no!" -or- "Problem! I need to solve it so it never happens again!" -or- "Why can't people just be kind to me???" (All of which can last a lot longer.)

 

I feel much better when I'm accepting of the situation and *know* that it's very likely to be occasionally irritating: "Well, that was irritating. It happens. What's next?"

[coffeegal]

Early on in mothering, I decided the phone would not summon me like a servant. ;) The caller can leave a message if it's not convenient for me to answer.

 

Stop and count to 10. Really! One friend was remarking how calm I was when the kids were running wild, only to turn and realize I was counting to 10. She thought it was hilarious. :001_cool: 

 

If things really get bad, pop popcorn, watch a movie with the kids, and go to bed. Or simply eat dinner and go to bed. Everything looks better in the morning.

 

 

[thessa516]

I notice more and more my tendency to get overloaded and how it's connected to sensory input. I can't function without a low-level of anxiety when things get too noisy, for instance. I am more on-edge. So for me, that feeling is connected to anxiety and my helps are to deal with the anxiety.

 

My df told me once that I needed to "draw a bigger circle." She meant like a circle of impact around myself--so that I could stop the domino reactions I was having to too much at once, if you know what I mean.

 

While not everything is in my control (thank goodness! lol), I can both gain skill in dealing with sensory input and limit that input a bit.

 

Maybe you could brainstorm a few ways to cope better.

 

Things that helped me--

Make sure I make time to have some moments of calm, or quiet, or whatever.

Don't play music as backround.

Keep a rhythmic and don't stress about a time-based schedule

Keep clutter down--visually it stresses me, but I'm not a good housekeeper, so I try to minimize things

Brain dump on paper when I'm ready for sleep--I get anxious when I think I'll forget something, but doing this helps me know I'll be ok

Try to "tackle" ala Jean--choose two or three essential things to do for the next day. If I do even one, I feel better

Mentally go thru my anxiety list that I keep in my head--things that I have been meaning to do that I've put off or things I can't control, that are very subtly contributing to feelings of anxiety. When I can lessen the list, I feel a release of energy, and I don't react as much to things around me that make me edgy--i.e., I have more patience, I'm less anxious, I'm kinder, etc.

 

Haven't had a lot of coffee yet--hope this jumble makes sense.

 

 

What she said... wow - great stuff!

 

I have a quote written down on a sticky note that I keep on my bathroom mirror. I wish I could remember where I got it. If anyone knows, let me know. It says, "We need to have spaces inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire without acting it out." 

 

This has helped me out when I want to snap at the kids or eat all the cookies or even spend too much at the store. When the annoyances happen, I try to imagine myself with a large inner bumper or circle. I have the feeling, but it can hit the bumper without me having to act on it. Does that even make sense? :)

[Jennifer132]

For little things like a mess is made or a toy I just bought is broken, I like to ask myself, "will this matter tomorrow (or later today or in a few minutes, etc)?" it help put things in perspective. I also like reminding myself that, "people are more important than things."

 

For the bickering, I find it happens more when my kids are bored and need to be brought back to focus on something. I'll tell the older ones to find a book or game and play quietly, or to go outside. Or I'll get some board books and read to the youngers or pull out a toy they haven't seen in a while.

 

I find my biggest time of frustration is right before lunch. I'm prepping, the big kids are running amok and the littles are begging for lunch. Sometimes a video is in order. ;)

[freesia]

I agree with everything everyone's said.

 

Also, make sure you have margin in your life. Don't plan every second. I realized I was rushing from meeting with one child to the next one without a break. I do much better if I take a breath, look out the window, get a drink of water in between--it's like letting air out.

 

Also I try to remember what C.S. Lewis once said:

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.â€

 

I don't know if you are a Christian, or not, but I think it would still apply--I keep hoping the problems and interruptions will not exist/happen. I do better when I realize that they always will happen. There will be moments of "perfection" that we should savor and enjoy, but mostly real life will be the spilled milk, etc.