S/O Invitation Wording

[NewIma]

So my dd is going to have her 8th birthday party in two months. She doesn't need anything and we are trying to live more simply. Instead of presents we would like people to bring hats or gloves to donate to kids who need them. How would you word this in a polite way?

 

 

[marbel]

When my daughter was younger we had parties for her but did not call them birthday parties.   Two I remember were a valentine-making party and a snow man party. We had cake and other food, and games, etc. so it was like a birthday party but there were no gifts.   It worked fine for us; people had a good time.  You could invite people to a hat and glove donation party and provide food, drink, and games for the guests.   

[Amira]

Personally, I have never been offended when an invitation asks for a donation to charity instead of a gift, but I'm pretty sure I don't care as much about etiquette as many people here do.  I doubt there is any way to do it without annoying some people, but others would be happy about it.

[ocelotmom]

The most strict manner rules are that you don't mention presents on the invitation. However, I can't see someone getting seriously offended by something along the lines of "In lieu of gifts, we are collecting hats, gloves, and scarves to donate to the Children's Cold Weather Charity." or something like that, and I'd think simpler wording would be fine for an invitation clearly aimed at a child.

 

(However, do be prepared for the likelihood that people will still bring gifts!)

[songsparrow]

(However, do be prepared for the likelihood that people will still bring gifts!)

 

This.  If you truly wish to avoid having people bring gifts, then I would do as marbel suggested and not call it a birthday party at all, but some other type of party at which - surprise! - a birthday cake is brought out as part of the fun.

[skimomma]

My dd has had two birthday parties in which she wanted donated items for the local humane society.  This was the wording we used:

 

"Your presence is gift enough.  However, if you feel you cannot attend empty-handed, please feel free to bring items for our local humane society.  The items needed can be found at <insert link here>."

 

In both cases, most people brought items for the shelter.  A few brought cash donations.  A few brought nothing.  Some people wrapped the donated items.  Some attached birthday cards, some did not.  No one brought a traditional gift and as far as I know no one was offended.  Many commented on it being a great idea.  And several of dd's friends ended up copying the idea in later years.  

 

The best part was going to the shelter after the party to deliver the items (and play the the animals).  I think dd enjoyed that more than the party.

 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

"Your presence is gift enough.  However, if you feel you cannot attend empty-handed, please feel free to bring items for our local humane society.  The items needed can be found at <insert link here>."

 

That's very similar to the wording we used on my daughter's invitations, too.

 

I do understand it's not "acceptable etiquette," but I just can't get worked up about it. Etiquette rules change to meet the current needs and norms of a society. I have no problem being in the forefront of that revolution. 

[goldberry]

Yes, I think that's fine.  Not the same as "bring money for the college fund" :001_rolleyes:

[Orthodox6]

Going to muse at the keyboard here. . .

 

This is tricky, possibly. Has the eight-year-old developed enough of a social consciousness happily to substitute a "help others" party for a birthday party? Some children at that age have developed that much. Many (most?) have not.

 

Perhaps you might consider holding two parties. The birthday party could be simple. No gifts obligatory, but graciously received and acknowledged privately as someone else already suggested with tactful ideas.

 

On a separate date, gather children together for a "helping" party. They could, for example, decorate knit hats and gloves to be donated somewhere. Solid coloured items could be purchased by the hosting mom, along with decorative items to attach to them. (e.g. small jingle bells, small pompoms, colorful buttons, yarn fringe, etc.) Serve snacks and drinks. If feasible, moms drive the children to the shelter, or whatever organization, to deliver their gifts themselves (and thereby gain a clearer idea of how they really are making a difference for other people).

 

In that this could be somewhat costly, willing mothers of the guest children could defray some of the costs by their own monetary reimbursement to the host family.

[Tanaqui]

Given that you're donating to charity, only very strict or old-fashioned people will frown too much on a suggestion for donations to said charity. Like I just said on the other thread, I suspect that the rule about never, ever, EVER mentioning gifts is going to go the way of the dodo within the next generation or two.

[Ellie]

So my dd is going to have her 8th birthday party in two months. She doesn't need anything and we are trying to live more simply. Instead of presents we would like people to bring hats or gloves to donate to kids who need them. How would you word this in a polite way?

 

Don't call it a "birthday party." Call it something clever, like Hats and Gloves for Kids, and ask everyone to bring those.

 

When you invite people to a *birthday party,* you cannot politely tell them what kind of gifts to bring (or not bring). :-)

[skimomma]

 

This is tricky, possibly. Has the eight-year-old developed enough of a social consciousness happily to substitute a "help others" party for a birthday party? Some children at that age have developed that much. Many (most?) have not.

 

 

 

I was posed with similar questions the first time dd had a charity-based bday party.  My dd was younger than 8 and it was her idea so I assume she was on board.  She read about the idea in a book and asked to do it.

 

However, I did mull the question over because I found it interesting.  The questioning was all along the lines of "Won't your kid feel bad getting no presents?" and "Aren't gifts the whole point of the party?"  

 

Now, I do not believe a child should ever be forced into turning their bday party into a charity event if that is not what they want to do.  But I do feel that if the parents decide a no-gift party best fits the needs of the family (for whatever reason) that it is really not the big tragedy that it can be made out to be.  The kid is getting a PARTY.  That is pretty cool and fun.  Not all kids get parties.  If my kid balked at a no-gift party, we would honor that because our reasons for preferring them are not life-or-death.  Our reasons have more to do with limited space, preferring to not waste party time on gift opening, and having a very generous extended family that provides more than enough gifts for all of dd's birthdays.  However, if our reasons were more important to me (as a parent) and my kid decided that the party was not good enough unless it included gifts, I would be very tempted to call off the party.  The party itself is a privilege.  I was a bit taken aback by the people who suggested I was somehow neglecting my kid by "denying her gifts" at her party.  

 

Don't get me started on the party guest that threw a knock-down-tantrum-of-epic-proportion when she learned there were no goodie bags.  Wow.

[skimomma]

 

 

When you invite people to a *birthday party,* you cannot politely tell them what kind of gifts to bring (or not bring). :-)

 

Well.....  You *can* as long as you are willing to break the rules.

[MEmama]

When my son turned 7, he requested no gifts at his birthday party. He asked his friends to bring donations to help with earthquake relief in Haiti. It was completely his idea so we just went with it. He was thrilled with being able to help out.

 

He did still get a couple presents, but he didn't care about them. As it turned out, that was the last birthday party he's wanted.

 

I think it's not only a perfectly acceptable request, I think it's gaining in popularity. Our kids--in the collective, western culture--are positively burdened with stuff; that's true even for the minimalists among us. I can't think of a more wonderful venue for a child to reach out to others--assuming the desire comes from them, of course. I'm not advocating taking away birthday presents for all kids (!) but if they request such a selfless act, it should be honored and not apologized for.

[marbel]

I also think it's a neat idea.  But I don't understand why "birthday party" needs to be included in the invitation.  Culturally, in the US, the expectation is that an invitation to a birthday party means taking a gift.  

 

Etiquette rules are in place to help make people comfortable, and to act as a guide to help them know what to do in a situation.  A donation/birthday party sends a mixed message. It's one thing if the guests are close friends and family so the child or mom could call and say "hey, here's what we're doing for my/Zoe's birthday this year..."  But if it's going to be on a written invitation to casual friends/acquaintances, it can set up discomfort and uncertainty on the part of guests because they won't be sure what is really expected.  I have gone to many parties empty-handed because the invitation said "no gifts please" only to find I am the only person who did not bring a gift.  It's uncomfortable.

 

Now that I'm thinking about this more, I remember that we never told people it was my daughter's birthday.   We had cake but we didn't have candles or sing.  It was more important to her to have a party - that was a gift from me to her.   The time with friends was the important thing.  If the donations are the important thing, why call it a birthday party at all? 

 

 

[ocelotmom]

You say it's a birthday party because the goal is still to celebrate the child's birthday. Just because the child is sweet and wants to donate to charity instead of getting gifts doesn't mean the focus of the party should be something totally different.

 

Also, people are more likely to make space in their lives to attend a birthday celebration than a "Let's donate to charity just for the heck of it" party. 

[Alessandra]

I've been to parties like that. It is always nice when there is a connection between the charity and the child. Just a simple note that the child really wants to help the animal shelter, or whatever. It is nice to have a list of what is needed -- if I remember back to the animal shelter invite, I think paper towels were on the list, as well as other things I might not have thought of.

 

I think giving to a charity in lieu of birthday presents is a lovely custom.

 

Definitely agree with those who said to make it a birthday party invite. It is still exciting to anticipate cake and candles.

[MEmama]

You say it's a birthday party because the goal is still to celebrate the child's birthday. Just because the child is sweet and wants to donate to charity instead of getting gifts doesn't mean the focus of the party should be something totally different.

 

Also, people are more likely to make space in their lives to attend a birthday celebration than a "Let's donate to charity just for the heck of it" party.

How many times can I like this? :)

[Ellie]

Well.....  You *can* as long as you are willing to break the rules.

 

That would not be "polite." :-)

[NewIma]

Thank you everybody! I appreciate all of the responses!

 

I had suggested the donation in leiu of gift party once before, but dd wasn't interested so I didn't push it. She went to a party last month however that requested no presents and then she became interested in the idea. I suggested the animal shelter or food pantry, but she came up with the hat and glove idea all on her own and is really excited about it.

 

I want to call it a birthday party, because that is what it is! We are celebrating her birthday, and I think she would feel slighted and hurt if it wasn't a birthday party. She is a generous kid, but she still wants cake and everyone to sing to her! :)

 

I really like skimomma's wording and think I will use that. I think wording it in such a way actually makes it less awkward for guests than a flat out "no gifts" party because people do like to bring things to a party and, as previous posters mentioned, it can be awkward when some people bring presents and others don't. This way everyone can bring something if they want too, and feel excited about helping other kids in our community.

 

I appreciate the argument that one shouldn't assume that everyone will bring presents, but the truth is that EVERYONE feels a social obligation to bring presents to a birthday party.  Hopefully people will just see it as us pointing out the elephant in the room and appreciate my dd's good intentions.  I want to encourage her giving heart!

 

Thank you so much everyone! I appreciate your help while I think this through!

[Katy]

I don't find anything inappropriate about a request for a charity fundraiser in lieu of personal gifts.

 

Depending on the nature of the child, I might either write in the invitation that the child requested donations of certain items for a certain charity, like a story, or I might make up a simply rhyme using the words- simple, dimple; stressed, blessed; older, colder; and I can't think of others off the top of my head, but you can just google words like hat, coat, or whatever and rhyme and you'll find it really simple to write Dr. Seuss style poetry.

[skimomma]

That would not be "polite." :-)

 

That is true.  I think we are on the cusp of a change in etiquette rules and it is a bit uncomfortable....as I am sure is true of past changes.  I am glad I was not around when the whole standing-any-time-an-elder-entered-a-room started to go out of fashion.  Or those first awkward dinner parties when we stopped assigning people's seats at the meal by "status" and gender.  Times change.  10 years ago most people (on messages boards anyway) thought any mention of gifts on a child's bday invitations as 100% wrong.  The tide has changed and many people see a need for a change.  Uncomfortably, that means breaking a few rules. 

[Orthodox6]

I believe in the custom of standing when an older person enters the room.  It demonstrates, without words or fuss, respect for those senior to me.  It does not matter whether or not I know him or her.  

 

In general, I ignore contemporary self-styled "etiquette mavens."  Once racist and gender-demeaning customs are jettisoned, as they should and must be, the remainder of what people derisively label "old fashioned" manners, more times than not, turn out to be the most kind and courteous.

[Orthodox6]

I would stand to denote respect for anyone who had behaved in a manner worthy of respect. I'm not sure where age comes into myself.

 

There certainly are many politicians for whom my respect is so absent, I would stitch my jeans to the chair in order to prevent my standing up!  But that, of course, is an entirely different topic. . .  :001_smile:

[Farrar]

It's so funny to me that this is such a faux pas worthy of discussion on this board and that it's been discussed so many times. This is pretty normal among my group of friends. I don't think we're all rude. I think mores are just changing. I'm sure that some people thought it was rude for ladies to show their ankles or to send an invitation to a birthday party via the internet once upon a time, but no longer. We would never turn down a present brought and always write a thank you note and all that, but both "no gifts required" and "birthday child has asked for donations to such and such instead of gifts" are things we've seen several times as well as more traditional bring a gift parties. I've never heard of anyone being upset or put out about any of it.