Remember my post about my neighbor scaring my daughter?

[AimeeM]

And I *thought* it was dementia, but wasn't sure?

 

It is.

 

The other night I had walked across the street to see another neighbor, and I heard C (our neighbor with dementia) screaming in another neighbor's yard (screaming *at* her *son*). I asked her if she'd enjoy a walk home. When we got there, her husband must have heard the commotion and came out.

 

We talked for a very long time. Much of it just chit chat - he's an ex marine, I now know, and he really, really, really enjoys talking about his travels as a marine, lol! They are older than I thought. Considering the ages he referred to himself as during certain wars and deployments, I think maybe mid-sixties? 

 

Good news. He recently hired their cousin to sit with his wife during the day. Bad news - he is working full time for his son. I say that as "bad news" just because it's hard to see an older person having to pull such back breaking manual labor full time. He is paying their cousin out of pocket to stay with his wife during the day. When I asked him if he's looked into programs that would pay those things for him, he said he was overwhelmed and simply didn't know where to begin looking. They receive NO supportive assistance or help - financial or otherwise (like with companionship or otherwise). They MUST qualify for SOMETHING, so I'm going to do some digging.

 

I spent a long time with him that night. He really enjoyed it - and, honestly, so did I. He took me inside and showed me a special room that houses all of his military pictures, his model planes, pictures of his dad (Navy), etc. He told me that they've been in the neighborhood since the 70's, and that this is the reason his wife "sees" the boy and yells at him to come home/call grandfather/etc because before the current neighbors were in the houses they're in, her son grew up playing in the neighborhood at these houses. She sneaks out to walk because her and a close neighborhood friend (who no longer lives in the neighborhood) used to walk the subdivision, and it was one of her favorite parts of the day.

 

If anyone knows of the best way to search which resources may be available to them, I'd be forever grateful. He looks very tired. I doubt he'd agree to anything that would put her living elsewhere, but there has to be resources to help pay for a "companion" (she doesn't need a nurse - just a "sitter", for lack of a better word) and help with those types of things.

[jelbe5]

I would start by looking for a department of aging or with the department of human services and see if there is information there. I wonder if your neighbor's doctor been of any help?

 

What a kind person you are for reaching out to this couple.

 

ETA - there might be a day program she could be eligible for which could provide care and stimulation for her and respite for him. Check and see if there is a senior center in the area.

[sassenach]

Any chance you're in California?

[gracesteacher]

were they married during his military time? She may have benefits theres

[Cera]

I think it is wonderful that you went to talk to him.  I am sure it made his day and has opened up doors to allow you to help he and his wife.  It sounds like it could be a very beneficial relationship for both of you.

 

I would be happy to help you google for possible programs that could help them if you want to pm me location information.  I am finishing up a masters that has had a fairly heavy "finding resources" component because of the population I Will be working with.

 

 

[AimeeM]

I'm in upstate SC. I'm not sure if they were married when he was military. I know he said they've been married "30-some years". I could ask and I think he'd be open to me digging a bit deeper.

[Hunter's Moon]

Does your state/city/town have a Council on Aging? That would be the best place to begin your search for resources -- both for her and her husband. Help can come in the form of cash assistance (obviously he would be in control of the cash), food assistance, counseling, home health care, etc. 

 

I know the one in my city also offers support meetings for caretakers of those with Dementia. 

 

:grouphug:  for all involved. Dementia is difficult. 

 

 

[AimeeM]

Talking to him was every bit as beneficial to me as it may have been for him. He reminds me of my dad - complete with military stories (my dad was army, though, lol). 

 

It was very heartwarming to see the way he dealt with the day in and day out's with his very sweet wife. When she insisted I needed a glass of cold Pepsi (it's the south - Pepsi cures all!), and she went in to get me a glass, he must have noticed that the glass was dirty or something... but he didn't say anything, he just said he was going to go in and check something, took the glass back in, came out with a different one, and helped her pour me a glass on the porch. When she starts yelling, he just pats her affectionately and tells her that everything is okay. 

 

Although some of the other neighbors said this has been "going on" for "a very long time", he said it only started to be noticeable about 4 years ago - which makes sense, because that's about the time they left the area for a while, if I remember correctly.

[AimeeM]

I have no clue if there's a council for aging. That would be a great place to start, though, and should be easy enough for me to find out.

[magnificent_baby]

I have no clue if there's a council for aging. That would be a great place to start, though, and should be easy enough for me to find out.

 

Just did a quick search, here's what I found that might help you.

 

http://www.agingcare.com/local/South-Carolina-Lieutenant-Governors-Office-on-Aging-Columbia-Area-Agency-on-Aging-SC

 

I think that's wonderful that you are trying to help them out!

[fairfarmhand]

Social services might me the first stop.

[LostSurprise]

Try googling your state name along with 'department of health.' On the home page should be several things. One of those things should be elderly care. Click around a bit. They may chose to make alzheimers and dementia a separate category or they may put it under long term care or elderly care. 

 

There should be listings for Long Term Care, Home and Community Care Supports, Ageing and Disability Resource Centers, Benefits Counseling, and maybe an individual section on Dementia evaluation, care, and benefits. 

 

All of those would be helpful. 

 

FIL found this information through his local AA (which he attends). It's a lot harder for other seniors if they don't have computer skills to find the information or friends in the system in your community. FIL used the benefits counseling, respite care, legal aid, and dementia evaluation. They helped him plan what to do when he couldn't take care of MIL any more and have a plan in place beforehand. They helped him find community support. 

 

FIL also got a lot of support from his church community and from his club community (AA). 

[happi duck]

You're awesome AimeeM!!

[Jenrae]

How loving and caring for you to offer your assistance! 

 

You could also check for a Senior's Citizen Center or a local Alzheimer's agency. Often times they have a place that offers respite care for an hour or so several times a week.

[AmyontheFarm]

Aimee,  you might suggest to the husband at some point that if the wife is escaping during the night he can set up an alarm system, fairly cheaply.

 

http://www.amazon.com/B7-HIDDEN-PRESSURE-ACTIVATED-ALARM-INTRUDER/dp/B0045U4MNC

 

If he is worried about her leaving during the night, then he is not sleeping well either.  This might help both of them sleep better.  I would also suggest something like this in front of each door, installed when she isn't around to realize as quickly that it is there.