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Care to recommend a parenting book?

displace

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displace

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Hello. I'm hoping for resources to help me parent better. My specific concern is DS acts fussy/whiny to me when he doesn't want to do something. He'll still do it but will grumble, sometimes groan, etc.

I need to learn to respond in a way that will stop his whining and prevent me from losing my mind :)

 

Sometimes we get to a point where he's crying because of a punishment and I'm so frustrated I can't effectively parent. He's super sensitive and feels bad but can't seem to stop. I stay as calm as I can but I need to change how I act to stop it better.

I've tried: time out, punishment (removal of priveledges- sp?), using a code word, trying to be funny. Using the code word sometimes helps a little (maybe I am not as consistent with it as necessary?), and punishment gets him very remorseful and really down.

 

Naturally it's worse after long days for us or little sleep for me.

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SKL

SKL

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When my youngest was 3 she was getting in trouble all the time over hard-headedness.  I hated punishing so often, so I whined on a forum and got a recommendation for the book:  Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.  I bought it and it did help.  No miracle cure of course, but it did help me take a lot of the unnecessary emotion out of dealing with my little pouter / grumper / control resister.  And behavior improved, as did our quality of life.

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Slartibartfast

Slartibartfast

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Hmm I'm probably confusing this because the Tomato staking woman (she went by Elizabeth back then on bf.com) told a story about hitting her kid for saying "coming" instead of I'm coming and she loved Tripp. Also she made her kids sleep on the bathroom floor (tile) if they were ill and claimed all her boys age infant to 21 loved sharing a room. So it's probably association bias.

Here is some commentary regarding Tripp from Gentle Christian Mothering.

 

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/weblog/archives/2011/02/tedd_tripps_she.html

 

and

 

http://lutherama.blogspot.com/2007/10/more-on-tripp-and-spanking.html

 

The rod is a rescue mission. The child who needs a spanking has become distanced from his parents through disobedience. The spanking is designed to rescue the child from continuing in his foolishness. If he continues, his doom is certain. Thus, the parent, driven by love for the child, must use the rod

IMO every child is different, every family is different. The "my way or the highway" style of preaching many take towards parents is not going to work for everyone.
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Tanaqui

Tanaqui

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There is wide range of parenting books out there. It might help to narrow it down just a little bit. For example, if you're not okay with spanking (and it sorta sounds like you aren't, as you don't say you've tried it), then many authors are not going to be helpful for you because they're really big on spanking. (And some of them go well beyond that, but I'll leave it to others to name names here.)

 

Are there any things that are absolutely not acceptable to you, advice-wise?

 

 

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Joanne

Joanne

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Here is some commentary regarding Tripp from Gentle Christian Mothering.

 

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/weblog/archives/2011/02/tedd_tripps_she.html

 

and 

 

http://lutherama.blogspot.com/2007/10/more-on-tripp-and-spanking.html

 

 

I won't deal with anyone who works with absolutes. Every child is different, every family is different. The "my way or the highway" style of preaching many take towards parents is not something I am interested in.

 

Ew. Skeeved out again.

 

It's so extraBiblical. The idea that you can punish a child into a later stage of development is awful at best, and abusive at its worse.

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Dory

Dory

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Here is some commentary regarding Tripp from Gentle Christian Mothering.

 

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/weblog/archives/2011/02/tedd_tripps_she.html

 

and

 

http://lutherama.blogspot.com/2007/10/more-on-tripp-and-spanking.html

 

IMO every child is different, every family is different. The "my way or the highway" style of preaching many take towards parents is not going to work for everyone.

 

hmmmm....that isn't like anything I'd ever heard from his stuff before. Makes me cringe and back off pretty fast. I guess I need to borrow the actual books and read through them.

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mommaduck

mommaduck

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I've found that most parenting books do more harm than good.

 

I will recommend one that was sent to me by a friend and I've started reading. I absolutely love the balance and the gentleness. He starts on one side and then gives the other, balancing side of the coin. I will admit that I have not read it in it's entirety. Even if one is not EO, I do believe it would have value.

 

Family Life

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Joanne

Joanne

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Hello. I'm hoping for resources to help me parent better. My specific concern is DS acts fussy/whiny to me when he doesn't want to do something. He'll still do it but will grumble, sometimes groan, etc.

I need to learn to respond in a way that will stop his whining and prevent me from losing my mind :)

 

Sometimes we get to a point where he's crying because of a punishment and I'm so frustrated I can't effectively parent. He's super sensitive and feels bad but can't seem to stop. I stay as calm as I can but I need to change how I act to stop it better.

I've tried: time out, punishment (removal of priveledges), using a code word, trying to be funny. Using the code word sometimes helps a little (maybe I am not as consistent with it as necessary?), and punishment gets him very remorseful and really down.

 

Naturally it's worse after long days for us or little sleep for me.

 

Ok, so some feedback on what you posted.

 

One way to approach it is to allow him his feelings.There are many things I do, but grumble. I'm an adult and typically people don't tell me to stop grumbling about it. Having a list of things we must do but don't love is part of life. I think it's reasonable to allow a certain amount of emotional and feeling space around it - especially since he is still being compliant.

 

I'm not a fan of punishment - especially if it is arbitrary, unrelated, or delays compliance or punishes ME (by limited social outings, or outdoor play). Punishment tends to *add* to the power struggle (enforcing the punishment, managing the feelings around the punishment). Although people remember "learning from the punishment", in most cases, that is selective bias. What typically happens is that the punishment is delivered until the child organically matures out of that stage.

 

I'm wondering if you would be willing to suspend your belief that punishment is the only way to raise disciplined, centered, pleasant children? There is a whole other paradigm "out there" that is worth engaging in if you'd like.

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SKL

SKL

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I am not against spanking, but Shepherding a Child's Heart put a bad taste in my mouth.  I didn't like the way he kept insisting that every child needs to be spanked for every infraction, every time.  The parent is to tell the child she "must" spank him, there is no choice in the matter if the child's soul is to be saved.  I couldn't parent like that.  But there is no harm in reading the book to see what it offers.

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umsami

umsami

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There was a book called "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" which I really loved…although if you ever hung out on the MDC (mothering.com) boards about five years ago, you've read most of it. ;)

 

For older kids, I really like the Love and Logic books.  They have specific whiney advice, too. :)  And there's a lot on their website and youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0nTTkHCTVc&safe=active

 

I think more than books, though, I would just remember that your kids are doing the best they can.  Kids, in general, want to be good.  Really.  Even whiney kids.  There's something going on there usually on the bad days.  One thing that I've found works great with DS1…if we're both kind of at our wits end…is to proclaim a "Do Over."  We both get the chance to go back to before the issues started, and try again.  Sometimes we'll joke…and both walk backwards….go outside the front door…even try and talk backwards.  As my goal really is a better child (and a better response from me) this actually works very well.  

 

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Slartibartfast

Slartibartfast

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I am not against spanking, but Shepherding a Child's Heart put a bad taste in my mouth. I didn't like the way he kept insisting that every child needs to be spanked for every infraction, every time. The parent is to tell the child she "must" spank him, there is no choice in the matter if the child's soul is to be saved. I couldn't parent like that. But there is no harm in reading the book to see what it offers.

I agree. I think most people all have the same goal when they set out to write a parenting book. I won't say spanking is evil or anything like that and I don't believe that authors who endorse spanking ONLY have bad advice.

 

If one read the book there are small gems of wisdom to be found in most. IMO one could take what they like and leave the rest even though some if those authors might say that is not allowed.

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displace

displace

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You didn't specify Christian or other, but I like the books by Paul Tripp. He addresses the heart issues which cause the symptoms of whining, etc. He writes from a Christian perspective.

Any perspective is fine if the ideas are valid/effective - and I agree with them.

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displace

displace

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There is wide range of parenting books out there. It might help to narrow it down just a little bit. For example, if you're not okay with spanking (and it sorta sounds like you aren't, as you don't say you've tried it), then many authors are not going to be helpful for you because they're really big on spanking. (And some of them go well beyond that, but I'll leave it to others to name names here.)

 

Are there any things that are absolutely not acceptable to you, advice-wise?

Good point. I didn't think of that while posting. I do not spank. I guess I was thinking of ways to avoid the situation. Either with me acting differently toward DS, or reacting in a different way when the whining starts to stop it or prevent escalating emotions on both sides.

 

Frankly, I'm even trying to get away from threats and punishments as it seems we use them a lot :(

I mean, I think we need them but it just seems like every day there's multiple warnings and loss of priveledges.

 

Bonus points if it's easy enough for DH to use without reading a book.

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displace

displace

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I've found that most parenting books do more harm than good.

 

I will recommend one that was sent to me by a friend and I've started reading. I absolutely love the balance and the gentleness. He starts on one side and then gives the other, balancing side of the coin. I will admit that I have not read it in it's entirety. Even if one is not EO, I do believe it would have value.

 

Family Life

EO?

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displace

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Ok, so some feedback on what you posted.

 

One way to approach it is to allow him his feelings.There are many things I do, but grumble. I'm an adult and typically people don't tell me to stop grumbling about it. Having a list of things we must do but don't love is part of life. I think it's reasonable to allow a certain amount of emotional and feeling space around it - especially since he is still being compliant.

 

I'm wondering if you would be willing to suspend your belief that punishment is the only way to raise disciplined, centered, pleasant children? There is a whole other paradigm "out there" that is worth engaging in if you'd like.

 

Yes I'd change away from punishment if it's effective. I didn't see your post when I was writing another response but I'm hoping to use less punishment altogether. I guess I don't know what else to do? In my mind, when the whining is getting to be too much I want to just tell DS that how he acts causes me to not want to be around him. But to send him to his room IS a punishment as he wants to be with me (his room is on a different floor). And I could leave to another room but he still is complaining and so sad about it. Maybe some good reward system to change his view about it and make him want to do things?

 

I do have rewards associated with his most hated things but it doesn't usually help. Maybe they're not concrete enough? I have a chart and after X stickers he gets an educational app. Maybe less stars to earn it or something else fun even daily? IDK.

 

To be even more complicated, some of the complaints revolve around after school work. It's prompted me to investigate if there are vision/learning issues and therapies to help but I can't wait for months for the answers to be found. In fact, a lot of our after school work is what we'd have to do if we found some issues anyways.  Also, since the whining behavior encompasses any activity he doesn't want to do I still need to learn to parent differently.

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displace

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I think more than books, though, I would just remember that your kids are doing the best they can. Kids, in general, want to be good. Really. Even whiney kids. There's something going on there usually on the bad days. One thing that I've found works great with DS1…if we're both kind of at our wits end…is to proclaim a "Do Over." We both get the chance to go back to before the issues started, and try again. Sometimes we'll joke…and both walk backwards….go outside the front door…even try and talk backwards. As my goal really is a better child (and a better response from me) this actually works very well.

This is a good idea. I'm using the advice balsa to think about what is really going on/why there is so much whining, what may be causing it.

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displace

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There was a book called "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" which I really loved…although if you ever hung out on the MDC (mothering.com) boards about five years ago, you've read most of it. ;)

 

For older kids, I really like the Love and Logic books.  They have specific whiney advice, too. :)  And there's a lot on their website and youtube. 

 

I think more than books, though, I would just remember that your kids are doing the best they can.  Kids, in general, want to be good.  Really.  Even whiney kids.  There's something going on there usually on the bad days.  One thing that I've found works great with DS1…if we're both kind of at our wits end…is to proclaim a "Do Over."  We both get the chance to go back to before the issues started, and try again.  Sometimes we'll joke…and both walk backwards….go outside the front door…even try and talk backwards.  As my goal really is a better child (and a better response from me) this actually works very well.  

 

I liked that video.  I looked at their website but it seems like a lot of products are videos (some of the kids books might be helpful).  Do they have parenting books too or it just depends on the topic?  To me it seemed like more videos than books, but I was looking on my phone so I may have missed a lot.   

 

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umsami

umsami

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I liked that video.  I looked at their website but it seems like a lot of products are videos (some of the kids books might be helpful).  Do they have parenting books too or it just depends on the topic?  To me it seemed like more videos than books, but I was looking on my phone so I may have missed a lot.   

 

 

They do have a couple of books on Amazon, and at least where I've lived, at least one has been at the library.

 

If you sign up for their newsletter, usually once per month or so, something will be on special.  Often times they have mp3 talks for $5.00 or so.

 

They also have a pretty good articles section on the website with info for free. :)  

http://www.loveandlogic.com/t-Free-Articles-and-Handouts-for-Parents.aspx

 

 

Another guy's perspective (and where I got the "Kids do the Best they can" statement) is Dr. Ross Greene's.  There is tons of stuff there for free….videos, etc.  http://www.livesinthebalance.org/parents-families

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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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I hate parenting books.

 

I've read so many and with my er....difficult child, they all just left me feeling like a failure. I may try all of the suggestions and they wouldn't work. I may have already tried those things and they didn't leave me with the desired result.

 

So, if you MUST read them, look them over with an eye of

 

a. this is a list of suggestions for my family. We will try them and see how it goes.

 

b. you know your child and yourself. No anonymous author (other than God) knows your kids like you do.

 

c. No formula will magically produce cheerful, willingly obedient, helpful kids.

 

Many parenting books assume that all kids are little monsters and it's up to the parents to "civilize" them. Now all my children have their moments of being little creeps, but they also have moments of wonder. They crave my approval, and really want to please me.

 

All that to say this. Improving the parenting paradigm occurred only when I recognized a few things.

 

1. My kids are young and have specific needs. It's unfair of me to discipline them for poor behavior when I have not set the stage for good behavior. Think of it. When an infant is squalling because they are hungry, what to parents do? Feed them. Of course, my 6 yo can learn to wait a few minutes for his dinner, but if he is legitimately hungry, he needs food not a lecture for whining. My solution? Give the kid some carrot sticks or apple wedges. I teach my kids patience of course and that their every need isn't ALWAYS INSTANTLY provided (if we're in the car 20 minutes from the house and they're hungry, I'm not going to pull into the first McDonalds I see. But I can also expect some grumbling)

 

So I give them the tools for success by making sure that they are fed, comfortable, and rested. As they get older, I make sure that their social and intellectual needs are met. My extroverted dd (16) does much better when she can get out of the house several times a week, but I also have to teach her that sometimes needs go unmet and we have to deal. (Ice storms shut us in the house for 3-4 days at a time in the winter and we just manage) A whining kid during school may need an earlier bedtime, or a healthier breakfast, or a different kind of curriculum. I try to look for an underlying NEED before I assume my kids are just being little creeps trying to irritate me.

 

2. My kids are people with flaws. I don't expect them to be perfect. I'm trying to teach my 6 yo appropriate levels of complaint about school. An "Aw man. Rats. I wanted to finish my game." is okay when I call him for lessons. However, a full total meltdown because he doesn't want to do his lessons is a bit of overkill. So accepting a little bit of complaint is okay. I don't do unpleasant things cheerfully 100% of the time. But I have learned as an adult to suck it up and not be a whiner about every little thing. This takes time for kids to learn. Be patient.

 

3. Modeling, explaining, and discussing often has better results than punishment. Sometimes, I do punish my kids. But I punish my youngers way less than I did my olders.

 

I don't know if any of that helps you. But that's what I've learned in 16 almost 17 years of parenting.

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Desert Strawberry

Desert Strawberry

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Given your clarification, I think the Love and Logic books are a good fit. I don't "follow a method", but my parenting most closely resembles L&L. 

I agree with previous poster who said "consequence" is sometimes code for "punishment". I have even heard parents say, "Now I have to consequence you." Aside from the cringe-worthy grammatical error, that is completely missing the point. Logical consequences remove the parents as enforcers and put everyone on the same problem-solving team. The focus moves from "I will make you do this" to "How can we make this happen?"

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Logic-Updated-Expanded-Edition/dp/1576839540

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OnTheBrink

OnTheBrink

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Paul Tripp has spoken at my church a few times (not on parenting specifically) and our church did a video series on parenting that PT did. While he does advocate spanking, he is absolutely NOTHING like the Pearls. FWIW, my daughter has been swatted on the behind exactly twice in her life. Like with anything, take what works for your family and your specific needs. 

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