Parents of Formerly Inflexible or Explosive Kids - I Need Encouragement

[JumpyTheFrog]

If your kid used to be easily frustrated, inflexible, or explosive, please share your success story. I had another terrible morning with my 8 year old and I need encouragement that someday he might be able to control himself and not frequently ruin the day for everyone.

[fairfarmhand]

My dd can still have inflexible days and explosive moments. The key is that we have learned to manage things so that these occurrences don't pop up so often.

 

For instance, she needs to see on the calender at the beginning of the week what is written in for activities. I need to write in her chores so there's no surprises.

 

On days that plans are "iffy" I tell her that at the beginning of the week, "dd, that plan for that day is a little iffy. I need you to work with me on that day and keep x, y, and z in mind."

 

Maturity has helped quite a bit. Independence has helped quite a bit.

 

I'm learning to address her issues ahead of time. "Hey, you seem rather tired and grumpy today. That's fine, everyone has grumpy days, but try to be really patient and give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. We're not trying to irritate you. "

[lulubelle]

My ds, now 12, was this and still can be.  Last year we went to a very good family therapist that taught us to deal with him better.  It was worth every second.  Have the child go chill out for 15 minutes in their room, change your expectations of them, understand it is hard for them to change.  Allow yourself to have out of the box thinking for this kid.  My ds was struggling to finish his school work because he was so frustrated that he had to finish it all to have any screen time.  It really didn't make sense to me.  The therapist said why don't you give him his screen time in the middle of the day in between his work.  I was like, really?  But, really that WAS okay.  And, it worked!  Try to do your best to love this kid!  Find the good in them and spend time with them when they are not frustrated or acting out.  A third party to help you could also be a huge help.  I told my ds he was going to be a better adult some day, he just wasn't meant to be a good kid.  I have him reading 7 habits of highly effective teens for his reading time and he says it is helpful.  He just doesn't know how to do things right.  

[DawnM]

Mine is 16. I will let you know when things get better.

 

J/K.....kind of.  He has matured and the episodes aren't nearly as explosive, or can be more explosive but last shorter amounts of time.

 

It is a process of 3 steps forward, 2.8 steps back.

 

 

[Snow]

Have you asked his doctor about his behavior? And I mean with very specific examples?

 

I always pay attention to your posts about him hoppy since mine just turned 8 and has historically been very difficult. It has gotten better though. I will come back and post more later tonight.

[JumpyTheFrog]

<whine alert> Why do some kids have to be so difficult? I have health problems made worse by stress and he is a stressful kid.

[Guest submarines]

At 12, DD is dealing with her frustrations just so much better! She's still rather emotional, but not to an extreme, and is extremely self aware and can self-regulate easier. Her being sensitive an aware and "a stressful kid" allows her to be wonderfully creative, awesome with animals, and all around a lovely young woman. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

It does get better. Just keep on modeling coping strategies, acknowledge his struggles, give him opportunities to learn about his emotions and that he is not a freak--he's normal.

 

Being off gluten helped significantly as well.

Hang in there.

[JumpyTheFrog]

This is one of those days when I don't see how I can hold out for another 4-10 years for the maturity to override the explosiveness. We've already been on this rollercoaster for years and the maturity is soooooo slow in coming.

[gaillardia]

Mine is 17. And he is doing so much better. There is hope. What worked best was choosing not to become involved in the battles at all. It's better to preserve the relationship than to do anything else. Maturity helps.

Yes, it will get better. When mine was between 10 and 11 things were rough in a different way than explosions, but by the time he hit 12 it was different. I would never have thought he would be like he is now. A wonderful but sometimes annoying sense of humor, helpful, just a great kid but really now he's a young man. :grouphug:

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

Recognizing the kid's need for information before new situations and giving it to them helps.

 

Then I worked on coping skills. What can he change? What does he have to deal with? How to mentally deal with difficulty. And now he is able to see potential problems and resolve before it happens.

 

It's a process.

[gaillardia]

Recognizing the kid's need for information before new situations and giving it to them helps.

 

Then I worked on coping skills. What can he change? What does he have to deal with? How to mentally deal with difficulty. And now he is able to see potential problems and resolve before it happens.

 

It's a process.

 

This.

 

[TranquilMind]

Mine is 16. I will let you know when things get better.

 

J/K.....kind of.  He has matured and the episodes aren't nearly as explosive, or can be more explosive but last shorter amounts of time.

 

It is a process of 3 steps forward, 2.8 steps back.

Yeah, this. 

[texasmama]

This is one of those days when I don't see how I can hold out for another 4-10 years for the maturity to override the explosiveness. We've already been on this rollercoaster for years and the maturity is soooooo slow in coming.

Is he better than he used to be?  Better than a year ago?  Fewer explosions?  Less intense?  Anything to indicate improvement?

 

Looking at the past (a year or two back) really helped me so much while waiting for maturity to help my explosive kid.  Also, when he melts down, he just must be left alone, sometimes for a long time.  He needs to cry and hide under his covers.  Yes, this still happens, and he is 11.  But it happens less and less, and he is no longer defiant.  Every year gets better.  He is a fabulous kid when he is not falling apart, and he falls apart less and less often.

[The Governess]

I've gotten better at giving her info ahead of time so she isn't disappointed or surprised as often.

 

She's gotten better at managing her disappointment when things don't go the way she was expecting them to. I think this is improving with age, mostly.

 

I have learned to use humor to diffuse her frustration and to change the subject when necessary instead of engaging in an argument with her.

 

It does get better! Hang in there. :)

[Loowit]

The number one biggest thing for us was getting DS off of a medication that was significantly contributing to his aggression and anger.  I had forgotten how bad it really was when he had to got back on it for a treatment plan.  He was only on it for three days, and I will never ever allow him to have it again.  It was horrible.

 

So he is 8, almost 9 and I have learned that for my sanity I have to look at overall progress over time.  He has good days and bad day, good week and bad weeks, but overall he has improved and knowing that gives me a glimmer of hope during the bad times.  It is a bit like looking at a weight loss chart.  It isn't always going to be a down weight day, but the overall picture on the graph should be a downward trend.

 

We have worked with several therapists.  Sadly the one that was fabulous and the best fit moved out of the area.  We have tried a few since then and have not found a good fit.  I am in the process of looking for someone new, his current therapist isn't working at all.  Having someone that is a good fit for your child and family is vital.  The favorite therapist helped me a lot in thinking through what were his triggers and worked with us to figure out what would work or not work for our family.  I really miss her.

 

For DS it is very important that he knows what is going to be happening during the week and each day.  He thrives on routine, and has trouble with last minute changes.  He is very rigid in his thinking and is emotionally behind age level.  We are also in the process of getting him evaluated for autism, but the waiting list is very long.

 

We talk with him a lot about his coping mechanisms while he is calm and help remind him when he starts to get aggressive.  I am on edge a lot trying to head off an explosion and it has been very hard on me emotionally.  He has gotten a lot better as he has gotten older to realize that he is getting angry, not perfect by any means, but he is learning and he knows to use his coping skills when needed.  For him they are cuddle with mom, run around the front yard, lay on his bed, or just find a quiet spot to cool off.

 

It is so hard to have a child with these problems, and to worry that they may never be better.  But I think that in many cases getting put with the right tools be that a good therapist, proper evaluation and treatment, coping techniques, etc. it will get to where they can function in society.

[Ottakee]

For us, it was finding the RIGHT medication combo.  It has made a HUGE difference and we wish we could have found this combo when she was much younger.

[Tiramisu]

My once explosive, inflexible 8 year old has been a wonderful teen. I would have never suspected. She did have anxiety and depression, and it took us awhile to figure it out and get the right treatment. Maturity was the biggest factor, though.

 

I have one now who is still inflexible and explosive. I talk to her a lot and try to say things to build her up and give her ideas for constructive outlets for her feelings. I am sure she has masked anxiety and depression (they look different in kids than adults) but she refuses professional help. For that reason, I would try to get an eval from a psychologist or other kind of therapist while your dc is still young and relatively agreeable.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I've done some more thinking and it looks like a big part of the problem is that Tigger gets easily frustrated with his school work. If he doesn't instantly know what to do he decides that it is "too hard." Today he merely glanced at a word problem that had about four or five sentences and started freaking out. I realized that in his mind, if something takes a "long time" it is hard, even if each piece is actually easy. It tried several ways to explain the difference between a problem being hard (saying taking 10 minutes to know what to do) and it being long (involving several calculations, none of which is difficult). He doesn't really seem to understand the difference. He's one of those kids where everything is either great or terrible and seems to catastrophise things, especially since he often incorrectly jumps to conclusions.

 

How do I coach him through his work? I feel like I've spent all day trying to "talk him off the ledge." It's exhausting trying to keep him calm enough to do work that is definitely not too hard for him.

[Tiramisu]

I've done some more thinking and it looks like a big part of the problem is that Tigger gets easily frustrated with his school work. If he doesn't instantly know what to do he decides that it is "too hard." Today he merely glanced at a word problem that had about four or five sentences and started freaking out. I realized that in his mind, if something takes a "long time" it is hard, even if each piece is actually easy. It tried several ways to explain the difference between a problem being hard (saying taking 10 minutes to know what to do) and it being long (involving several calculations, none of which is difficult). He doesn't really seem to understand the difference. He's one of those kids where everything is either great or terrible and seems to catastrophise things, especially since he often incorrectly jumps to conclusions.

 

How do I coach him through his work? I feel like I've spent all day trying to "talk him off the ledge." It's exhausting trying to keep him calm enough to do work that is definitely not too hard for him.

 

I'm going to suggest something that you may think is outlandish. I would take your ds to get his eyes checked, preferably to a developmental optometrist. Why?, you may ask. Because I've had two kiddos that reacted the way you describe and they turned out to have vision issues. One was helped through vision therapy. One did not do therapy because the doctor didn't think it would help. The VT helped and for the one who couldn't do VT, a curriculum with a lot of white space helped.

 

Look for materials with clean, clear formatting and not a lot of information or problems smashed together in a small font.

 

With word problems, you may want to try putting it on another sheet of paper and breaking it up one sentence at a time.

 

You can call me crazy, but kids whose eyes aren't working efficiently can be overwhelmed in their processing of the visual world, especially when something is expected of them. Vision is our primary way of making sense of the world around us and if that's out of whack everything is harder and it can make us freak out. It can be very tough for these kids to break things down on their own so you have to do it for them and that will teach them so they can eventually do it for themselves.

[JumpyTheFrog]

With word problems, you may want to try putting it on another sheet of paper and breaking it up one sentence at a time.

 

I was thinking today that I should try doing that.

 

As far as the vision issues, are there any other ways parents can tell if there might be a problem? Tigger has a rather intense personality and tends to overreact to all sorts of things, so freaking out about that math problem was not unusual. He can read books without problems and he reads for hours per day.

[MomatHWTK]

I would recommend that you consider having formal evaluations done.  There may be an underlying reason for his behaviors that can be treated.  At the very least, it may help you to see that he is a child in need of your help to learn to cope rather than a difficult child.  If you are to the point of exhaustion, it is time to get help for everyone's sake. 

[kareng]

I'm going to suggest something that you may think is outlandish. I would take your ds to get his eyes checked, preferably to a developmental optometrist. Why?, you may ask. Because I've had two kiddos that reacted the way you describe and they turned out to have vision issues. One was helped through vision therapy. One did not do therapy because the doctor didn't think it would help. The VT helped and for the one who couldn't do VT, a curriculum with a lot of white space helped.

 

Look for materials with clean, clear formatting and not a lot of information or problems smashed together in a small font.

 

With word problems, you may want to try putting it on another sheet of paper and breaking it up one sentence at a time.

 

You can call me crazy, but kids whose eyes aren't working efficiently can be overwhelmed in their processing of the visual world, especially when something is expected of them. Vision is our primary way of making sense of the world around us and if that's out of whack everything is harder and it can make us freak out. It can be very tough for these kids to break things down on their own so you have to do it for them and that will teach them so they can eventually do it for themselves.

 

I ditto what Tiramisu says.  My dd is now 16 and we went through the most awful times when she was ages 3 through 11 or 12.  It turned out that she has dyslexia and has major vision issues. I never knew any of that. She would approach her school work just as your child does.  She would see everything as black or white, easy or hard, great or beyond anything she could possibly do.  Reading was the hardest as was writing (the physical aspect of it).  It was only when I finally realized that she had dyslexia that we ended up getting tutoring for it. And then OhElizabeth on these boards was always writing about getting kids with dyslexia checked for vision issues.  We found out that she has all 3 vision issues: eyes don't track, eyes don't work together and she has difficulty focusing from close to far to close, etc.  She had headaches and blurry vision which she never told us (because she thought that was normal).  In the vision therapy testing it was discovered that when she was reading, her eyes would be all over the place, going back and forth (reading words), tending to focus outward instead of straight ahead.  Tutoring for dyslexia helped her break down words into their basic sounds, phonemes and learning what syllables are -- she never knew, she would just guess, and especially vision therapy has helped her immensely. Not only did it take away the headaches, blurry vision and other issues but it changed her whole outlook on life and school. She went from having very volatile moods that seemed to come out of nowhere to having an "I can do it" approach to her daily tasks

 

What also helped was having our lives more structured and predictable for her.  Surprises never went over well. I tend to be middle of road in terms of structured vs. unstructured.  She functions well knowing well in advance what will happen, what's expected of her.  It forced me to be more intentional and have a schedule printed out so she could see it the day before.  My seat-of-the-pants approach to our days went by the wayside. Breaking things down into little chunks helped her to approach one thing at a time. Seeing it all (the entire assignment, whatever it was) totally overwhelmed her.

 

After age 12, things got progressively better. In fact, I was just talking with a friend from high school who was asking about my dd. When I mentioned that she is 16, she rolled her eyes and said something like, "I'm sorry to hear that!" to which I said that these are the best years yet.  They really are.  By age 13 or 14, my dd became quite pleasant and every year it gets better and better. Her moods are pretty stable, my academic expectations now match what she can do and we have fun together.

 

I understand what you are going through!!!!   But you need to know, that there most definitely is hope.  Hang in there :-)

 

Hugs to you and prayers sent your way!

[Tiramisu]

I was thinking today that I should try doing that.

 

As far as the vision issues, are there any other ways parents can tell if there might be a problem? Tigger has a rather intense personality and tends to overreact to all sorts of things, so freaking out about that math problem was not unusual. He can read books without problems and he reads for hours per day.

 

My children were also voracious readers. But there's a difference between looking at something and reading for enjoyment and looking at something and then having to think and do something with the information, and then (gasp) write it down (unless you have a mommy like me to scribe for you!).

 

I think there's a typical scenario for bright kids with little quirks in particular. They sail through the early years, possibly seeming advanced because everything is rather straightforward and doesn't require mental juggling. Their gifts compensate well for their weaknesses at that stage. The, often around fourth grade, but the work starts to get more complicated. They have multiple steps to work out. They have to write more. And their ability to compensate starts to reach its limit.

 

If you haven't already tried scribing for him, I'd even give that a shot. It can be helpful in taking the pressure off. That way all he has to do is think and not write, which relies heavily on visual and visual-motor skills.

 

I had an intense one totally meltdown with math. I had a calm one lose it, too. It can be just personality, but often it's a sign of frustration. There's a block and he needs you to get him through it. It's really not easy. I understand that.

[Tiramisu]

I would recommend that you consider having formal evaluations done.  There may be an underlying reason for his behaviors that can be treated.  At the very least, it may help you to see that he is a child in need of your help to learn to cope rather than a difficult child.  If you are to the point of exhaustion, it is time to get help for everyone's sake. 

 

If you can manage this, hoppy, it is the absolute best way to get to the crux of the issue quickly. Sometimes these things can have emotional causes, in addition to learning challenges. Better addressed sooner than later.

 

Not to sound like a big softie, but issues like these can affect self-esteem and you don't want that messed up as you head toward puberty and the teen years.

[Clear Creek]

I've done some more thinking and it looks like a big part of the problem is that Tigger gets easily frustrated with his school work. If he doesn't instantly know what to do he decides that it is "too hard." Today he merely glanced at a word problem that had about four or five sentences and started freaking out. I realized that in his mind, if something takes a "long time" it is hard, even if each piece is actually easy. It tried several ways to explain the difference between a problem being hard (saying taking 10 minutes to know what to do) and it being long (involving several calculations, none of which is difficult). He doesn't really seem to understand the difference. He's one of those kids where everything is either great or terrible and seems to catastrophise things, especially since he often incorrectly jumps to conclusions.

 

How do I coach him through his work? I feel like I've spent all day trying to "talk him off the ledge." It's exhausting trying to keep him calm enough to do work that is definitely not too hard for him.

 

I have one just like this, only a couple years older. What I have found that works for her when she has a meltdown over something like this is:

 

1. Get down to her level (she will have invariably flung herself to the floor) and make eye contact.

2. Use a gentle touch to get her attention (hold her hand, rub her shoulders, something) and say her name.

3. When the decibel level drops to the point at which she can hear me, I ask her to read the problem aloud. She is an auditory learner, and just by hearing her own voice read the problem she can figure out what to do nine times out of ten.

4. If she still can't figure out what to do I have her read me the problem one sentence at a time, and after each sentence I ask questions to help her identify the important information.

 

I haven't figured out how to prevent the meltdowns, though, and it is causing me to dread beginning school again next week. As long as it is something she already knows, she will pleasantly do it. Sadly, fifth grade involves learning new things. :sad:  I am going to try very hard to coach her to speak up and let me know whenever something looks difficult, before she breaks down.

 

[fairfarmhand]

I He's one of those kids where everything is either great or terrible and seems to catastrophise things, especially since he often incorrectly jumps to conclusions.

 

 

 

My dd and I were talking about this. How volatile she was between the ages of 3 and 14. (she's 16 now!) She doesn't even understand why she was like that. She remembers thinking that things either had to be

 

AMAZING!!!! FABULOUS!!!! TERRIFIC!!! INCREDIBLE!!! WONDERFUL!!!

 

or

 

AWFUL TERRIBLE DREADFUL TRAGIC

 

There was no middle ground. There was no average day. Because if one rotten thing happened, the whole day was lost. She ended up in a spiral of anger and/or gloom and sadness.

 

That whole black and white thinking thing just about did us in.

 

She could get one thing wrong on her math or have one difficult problem and it was the worst thing ever.

 

It was exhausting to deal with.

 

I eventually learned that I absolutely COULD NOT get sucked into her vortex of emotion or I would die. :)

 

I had to learn to be myself no matter what we were dealing with on a particular day.

[KungFuPanda]

Mine got old enough to threaten. If he's faced with being unplugged (no screens of any kind) he finds it in himself to pull it together 98% of the time. This didn't work until he was 9 or 10. He still doesn't like transitions or changes to the plan, but he's old enough to realize that it's HIM with the issue and not the world out to get him. I really think owning that made him feel a little more in control. He now puts his energy into controlling his reaction instead of raging against the situation.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Fairfarmhand, did you ever find anything that helped with your daughter? Or did you just have to wait until she matured out of it? While I have considered getting an evaluation, this seems to be his personality. He was born being an intense child. For the last three months of my pregnancy every day between 2:30 and 3:30 pm he'd start kicking me and wouldn't stop for 2-3 hours. As a newborn, he resisted sleep and would cry and cry rather than take a nap. When he was three months old, I'd put him in a jumper and he'd jump for 30-45 minutes. Sometimes he'd be tired but would he stop jumping and fall asleep? No! He'd keep jumping, no matter how tired he was. He still doesn't recognize when he's tired, even at age 8.

[*Lulu*]

(((Hoppy)))

 

I have 3 explosive children. (2 with ASD, 1 with middle child syndrome combined with a touch of her mother's stubbornness)

 

Every time I read a post about your Tigger I am reminded of my Punk at that age. Years 7-9 were hellish; I won't lie to you. However, those were the years where we finally obtained a diagnosis, learned how to modify our approach to Punk to set him up for success, and got the appropriate therapies for him. He is, at age 12, still explosive at times but it is a huge difference from before.

 

Don't be afraid to pursue evaluation. Whatever is there is there and having knowledge of it does not weaken you, it gives you power.

[fairfarmhand]

Fairfarmhand, did you ever find anything that helped with your daughter? Or did you just have to wait until she matured out of it? While I have considered getting an evaluation, this seems to be his personality. He was born being an intense child. For the last three months of my pregnancy every day between 2:30 and 3:30 pm he'd start kicking me and wouldn't stop for 2-3 hours. As a newborn, he resisted sleep and would cry and cry rather than take a nap. When he was three months old, I'd put him in a jumper and he'd jump for 30-45 minutes. Sometimes he'd be tired but would he stop jumping and fall asleep? No! He'd keep jumping, no matter how tired he was. He still doesn't recognize when he's tired, even at age 8.

 

oh mercy. Yes, she was so much like that as an infant and toddler.

 

We tried the "don't cry it out stuff."  But she acted like she NEEDED to cry to wind down. I'd rock and rock and she'd scream for an hour. I'd put her in the crib and after 5 minutes of wailing, she'd pass out.

 

As a toddler she LITERALLY fell asleep standing up. She'd rather make laps around the house until she collapsed.

 

I don't know if I COULD have done anything different for my dd between the ages of 3 and 14. Finally at age 15 she began developing some self awareness that the way that she perceived the world was NOT the way that most everyone else perceived it.

 

I do wish that I had cued into her inflexibility a little sooner and talked her through her "moments" before they happened. IOW, I wish I would tell her "Hey, this is what's going to happen. I hope that it works out this way, but it may not. Things will be okay if x doesn't happen. We will all be a little disappointed, but we will get to x activity another day if it doesn't work out."

[JumpyTheFrog]

I don't know if I COULD have done anything different for my dd between the ages of 3 and 14. Finally at age 15 she began developing some self awareness that the way that she perceived the world was NOT the way that most everyone else perceived it.

 

Once she started becoming more self-aware, how long did the process take before she became easier to be around? Tigger is less self-aware than my five-year-old son. He isn't very in tune with his body or feelings. He also has some sort of hypoglycemia issue where he starts getting really bratty or angry when he's more than a little hungry but he doesn't realize it.

[Loowit]

My DS had to be trained to start to become self aware of his needs.  It took a long time, and we still have a long way to go.  For my son I provided a mood chart that I made.  It had different smilie faces for different moods: Happy, Angry, Sad, Embarrassed, Silly, getting angry, etc.  Then he could use this to tell me how he was feeling.  It made him have to stop and think about it.  Other things were things his therapist talked to him about to try to get him to recognize his feelings.  One thing that really helped me was for me to start charting.  I took a couple of months and charted his moods in a spreadsheet throughout the day what he ate, how he slept, changes in routine, etc.  It was very helpful to see what things made a difference in his moods.  Hunger was a big one, and especially making sure he ate protein.  Others were changes in routine, even small things that I never would have though about, lack of sleep (he has always been a terrible sleeper and cannot self sooth),

 

Today he has been in a terrible mood.  He will not be reasoned with at all.  He is angry and yelling at everyone.  I finally talked him into eating - he skipped breakfast - and about an hour after eating he is finally calm enough to be somewhat reasonable.  I am trying to remind him about things that make him angry and frustrated, but unless he catches it early enough, he doesn't have the ability to calm without my helping him with things like making him eat.  Helping him be aware of his emotions, what effects them, and so on is an ongoing process.  I am hoping we find a therapist soon that will help us continue this process.

 

I wanted to tell you thank you for posting, and send hugs to you because I know how hard this is.  But this thread has helped me to think through what direction I need to be going with my DS to get him further help.  It helped me to see how unhelpful his current therapist is and gave me a push to find a new one.

[fairfarmhand]

Once she started becoming more self-aware, how long did the process take before she became easier to be around? Tigger is less self-aware than my five-year-old son. He isn't very in tune with his body or feelings. He also has some sort of hypoglycemia issue where he starts getting really bratty or angry when he's more than a little hungry but he doesn't realize it.

easier to be around? hmmm...we still have TONS of moments around here. I've learned not to take it personally. I think that Jesus himself could be her parent and she'd still be a pain, so it's not me.

 

I do know that she needs a firm routine of eating and sleeping. When she gets back from camp or sleeping over somewhere, I know she's going to be a pain for a bit. I've learned to expect it and to a degree, I think she expects it too and she's getting better about going, "I'm really tired and I ought to take a nap."

 

But honestly, most of the improvement has come in the last year or so. She caught me checking out a pile of books about "explosive children" and went, "hey, what's up?" I gently informed her that I was concerned about the way that she was handling life, and that none of her friends had meltdowns like she did. That was the start of several conversations that clued her into the way that she saw life was not the way that most people see life. That not getting to go to an activity is NOT the end of the world. That missing a sleepover isn't cause for screaming crying and slamming doors.

 

I did find that puberty meant that I needed to enforce things like a good diet, exercise was HUGELY important and adequate sleep.

 

I wish I'd learned to say things like (when she was hungry or overtired), "hey, ummm....you're getting a little out of hand. Is something wrong? Are you hungry? Do you have a headache? Are you a bit sleepy?" to help her learn to stop herself for just a second and think Is there a reason I feel out of sorts?

 

I've also learned that I need to do my own self-talk outloud to model it for her. "Wow. I am starting to feel a bit crabby. Sorry son, I spoke sharply to you. I need to go eat a sandwich because I start getting cranky when I am too hungry." This has helped my dd immensely, and I have noticed recently that she's started to do the same thing.

[Tiramisu]

Fairfarmhand, did you ever find anything that helped with your daughter? Or did you just have to wait until she matured out of it? While I have considered getting an evaluation, this seems to be his personality. He was born being an intense child. For the last three months of my pregnancy every day between 2:30 and 3:30 pm he'd start kicking me and wouldn't stop for 2-3 hours. As a newborn, he resisted sleep and would cry and cry rather than take a nap. When he was three months old, I'd put him in a jumper and he'd jump for 30-45 minutes. Sometimes he'd be tired but would he stop jumping and fall asleep? No! He'd keep jumping, no matter how tired he was. He still doesn't recognize when he's tired, even at age 8.

 

I think what people don't always realize is that there can often be a good reason for the intensity. It can sometimes be just personality.

 

(((Hoppy)))

 

I have 3 explosive children. (2 with ASD, 1 with middle child syndrome combined with a touch of her mother's stubbornness)

 

Every time I read a post about your Tigger I am reminded of my Punk at that age. Years 7-9 were hellish; I won't lie to you. However, those were the years where we finally obtained a diagnosis, learned how to modify our approach to Punk to set him up for success, and got the appropriate therapies for him. He is, at age 12, still explosive at times but it is a huge difference from before.

 

Don't be afraid to pursue evaluation. Whatever is there is there and having knowledge of it does not weaken you, it gives you power.

 

Good points. ASD, ADHD, and a number of different quirks have the intensity you describe as symptoms. My oldest dd grew out of her intensity but it was the evaluations that helped us understand why they had been happening. As she grew older, she usually did not behave badly outwardly but instead directed it inward, and that's really not healthy either. Understanding the issues helped a lot in healing our family.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

my kiddo has add/adhd--Asperger's--and is very OCD.....when he was younger oh my goodness he could be a terror....anything that upset his schedule or plan of action or what he was doing at the moment would turn into a yelling/screaming tantrum.....he's 11 now and I can say he has definitely mellowed and grown out of whatever would send him into tailspins.....now he can still grump and tantrum with the best of them.....but luckily it's been few and far between....

 

[Random]

Jumping in late to recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. 

http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0061906190

 

We have made incredible improvements (3 steps forward, 1 step back) since I read this book and starting using the tools with my son, currently age 8.  I can see a time in our near future with him being in control of himself 99.9999999% of the time.  In other words, in our situation, we did not have to wait for him to outgrow the behavior.  We've had success by addressing it now.  (Your situation may be different.)

 

With my son, no amount of threatening, rewarding, rewarding, reasoning, talking, yelling, public embarrassment, loss of friendship, etc. could cause him to control himself.  I was beside myself and called his pediatrician who recommended counseling.  We connected with a wonderful 'counselor' who thinks outside the box, and we're using the steps laid out by Dr. Greene with significant success.

 

Best wishes.  It is extremely hard to deal with a kid like this.

[gardenmom5]

I think it depends upon the cause.

 

2dd was a very difficult small child. (I had serious considerations of not having anymore children after her.) I honestly think she hated being a baby.  she had things to do and places to go and she couldn't do them in a small body.  (she was walking before 10 months - *despite* having braces with the bar on her feet.)  if anyone looked at her -she'd scream.  (seriously.  the only people she tolerated were me, dh, my mother and a woman I babysat for. that was IT!)  it lasted until she was 5 1/2.  she was still pretty inflexible into her teens.

 

now - she has AMAZING people skills, and just about everyone she has ever met loves her.  I've joked she could give the pied piper lessons . . . . 

 

get him involved in sports.  preferably one that requires crossing of the midline as it can help to retrain the nerve pathways between hemispheres in the brain.  ie. swimming, gymnastics, yoga, martial arts, etc.

[flyingiguana]

Mine is 23 and has made it through college.  She's also holding down a job and hasn't gotten fired for insubordination yet.

 

Agreeing with lots of the comments above.  These kids often need to know what's coming up.  Surprises are awful for them.  They need to get their own way sometimes.  They need time to chill out from demands -- so even if they haven't finished their work because they've been dawdling all morning, they may need a break.  They may need lots more sleep and better nutrition and more exercise than the average kid.  And they need lots of modeling of good behavior -- of the parents keeping their cool.  But they also need the parent to blow up too on occasion -- so they know just how much they've gone over the line.  They need clear expectations -- but sometimes the rules have to get bent because the kid really isn't in their right mind just then.

 

And they may need to be told over and over that you really do still love them.  Because they likely know exactly how exasperating they're being.  They may not be able to control it -- as much as they'd like to.

 

My husband commented once, after going on a field trip with another family -- wow, they live in a different world.  The kids of the other family got upset and whiny and the other father was complaining about how his kids were behaving REALLY badly that day.  The worst he'd ever seen, in fact.  And my husband's like, um, that would be a GOOD day for us.

 

 

 

[flyingiguana]

Another thing that I found helpful for schoolwork in particular -- telling my kids that math is hard.

 

I know it sounds like Barbie on a bad day, but it's the truth.  Math is harder than just reading a book and answering some questions about history or whatever.  Or filling out a little worksheet.

 

I think it gave a name and reason to the math frustrations.  It isn't going to be easy.  You are going to fail the first 10 times you try to do a hard problem.  You will get it eventually if you don't give up.  And probably, right when you're screaming that you will NEVER EVER get this, your mind is getting it straight in your head.

 

My oldest majored in physics.  My second is considering physics or computer science.  So you can tell your kids math is hard and not scare them away from it.

 

If another area is hard for another kid, it's ok to tell them it's hard.  (So let's find strategies to make it work...)

[fairfarmhand]

I have one. She spent the first 3 years of her life screaming for 18 hours a day. Anything could set her off: someone turning on a light, her big sister making a noise, smelling the coal furnace, etc. She'd scream until she threw up, and then scream some more. It started with her DPT shot. We did not do more vax until she was 18. I realized that we were tippy-toeing around her, like my pils did with dh's youngest sister. And I cracked down. She HAD to get adequate exercise, she HAD to eat small meals often and she was NOT allowed to make everyone else's life miserable. We tried dh's family's method of just don't upset her. (And dh's sister's still goes out of her way to be unpleasant to the world. She's a psychotherapist now and she helps folks wallow in their "poor pitiful me" and it's "all my parents' fault" and "if only everyone UNDERSTOOD me, that I'm so gifted". Yeah, right, grow up. You're an adult.") And it wasn't working. So, I decided that she was NOT going to get away with ANYTHING. I'll be unpopular here, but we used physical discipline. And you know what? She's a delightful adult. She's a fabulous naval officer, very empathetic, but she still has to not go too long without eating. Her fiance has been known to say, "B, you're being a witch. Go eat something."

 

She needed someone to be in CONTROL as she wasn't in control of herself. So, I became the brakes for many years. She had to earn every single thing. Throwing a fit? You don't get to play with the dog. Throwing a fit? You don't leave the house, etc. We left a church over chaos and double-stuffed Oreos for snacks. We went through a year where she would have to be disciplined on the way home from church and I finally said, enough! She couldn't handle it. She had to have a set routine, one that imposed control FOR her. She still does. I wondered for a long time how she could do well in the military, as she didn't take kindly to people telling her what to do. And then I realized that it worked for her because she knew exactly what was required. At 0500, she does this, at 0600, she does this, etc. She likes knowing that she will be in CA for x amount of time and then to training elsewhere for x amount of time, and then on a carrier for x amount of time. She likes knowing the rubric against which she will be evaluated. She likes knowing that she will be up for promotion in x year, etc. 

 

Yes!

 

That structure is crucial to these kinds of kids.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I think Tigger might do better with a stricter schedule but my health problems interfere. I just can't get up at 7:30 am to get him started on his day. A good day is when ainhave showered and we've all had breakfast by 10:30 am. I've tried for the last seven years to change my sleep schedule so I can get up earlier and it has never worked for more than a few short periods of time. My sleep is way too screwed up, so I have to make do with my late starts to the day. (DH won't get up earlier, not because he can't like me, but because he doesn't want to go to bed earlier. So asking him to get up with Tigger is out of the question.)