How to buy a car 'by myself' :)

[Blueridge]

I may have reached some kind of turning point in my life. Long story. :) I need a new car very badly. My husband does not see the same importance in this need that I do. I have no income of my own. Is this a completely terrible thing to even attempt? Where would I begin without being taken complete advantage of? I think this is extremely out of my comfort zone to make a big decision independently. But I really need a new car.

[BlsdMama]

First things first, if dh has income and you do not and DH isn't paying for it, then how will you pay for it? Cash outright?

[Blueridge]

I have cash for a down payment but I would have to get a loan based on his income. I know it sounds ridiculous.

[maize]

I think I have signed up for a credit card based on dh's income, but I'm not sure that would fly for a car loan. Will you be trading in a car?

 

What would it take to get your husband on board? I know in my family a purchase as significant as a car is not something one spouse would do without agreement from the other.

[flyingiguana]

Does he have a car?  If I needed a car that badly, I'd use his -- and let him figure out his own transportation.

 

This, at least, would open up the conversation. 

 

Although I'd be perfectly capable of taking the cash and buying a car without my husband, I don't think it's something I'd ever do.  I always feel more comfortable having a second opinion for a big purchase like that. 

 

I've tried and tried to buy things without discussing it with him, but I just can't do it.  I always break down and ask him what he thinks.  And he does too.  I guess it's the sign of a healthy marriage -- or that we're wimps.

 

Getting the loan though.... I don't know how feasible that is.  If it's based on his income, he might need to physically sign something. 

[Blueridge]

I know you are all correct. I just feel quite *stuck* at the moment. Dh is the kind of person that never wants any change in his life. That includes keeping old cars until their wheels literally fall off. We have had the discussion of getting a new car for a decade and it hasn't happened because my wheels have not quite fallen off yet. :glare:  I have places I need to go...to see my mom, for example. I have to do these things on my own and I don't know how. 

[DawnM]

The last car I have purchased without DH was when I was working full time and had a good income.  I don't think I could get a car right now without his signature but I could be wrong.   We both have excellent credit, so I suppose it could be possible, but without a job, they may not give it to me.

 

Will you be taken advantage of?  You could!  Do your homework before going in.

 

We bought a car this year, new.  We searched online and found a great price on the vehicle DH wanted.  We knew the MSRP and we knew the $4,500 off this dealer two hours away would offer.  We ended up going to two different dealers before they agreed to match the price.  The first dealer wouldn't budge.  So, we moved on to the next one.

 

Car salesman are fairly hard sells, I truly hate car shopping because of the dealers.  I get angry and have been known to tell them off as politely as possible, depending on how they are treating me.

 

However, I would personally never make that large of a purchase without DH's agreement.  We are very committed to agreeing on all large purchases.  Finances are one of the leading causes of divorce in this country.  You didn't ask for marriage advice, so take it or leave it, but DH and I have taught a finance class for the past 7 years at our church and the statistics for divorce over finances is very high.

 

Dawn

[maize]

You could try doing a loan pre-approval through your bank or credit union and see what happens if your husband is not a co-applicant. I don't know whether it would go through or not.

 

If you have some time to save up, how much money could you set aside every month in cash? You could get a decent reliable car for maybe $5-6,000. We have always bought used cars with cash. Perhaps you have a friend or family member who would be willing to sell you a car on an installment plan?

 

I do understand reluctant husbands, we've actually dealt with my husband's reluctance to shell out the money for a car he himself really needed for over a year, I was tempted many times to just take the money we had saved up and buy a car, but I worried that doing so without his agreement would be pushing the limits of our relationship too far. We finally got a car just this past weekend.

[marbel]

Is your current car costing you a lot in repair bills?  Is it unreliable, breaking down all the time?  Are you stuck at home because your car is not drivable?   I guess I don't understand you being in such need of a car that your husband would refuse to entertain the thought of buying one.   (Of course you do not have to answer my questions or explain anything to me.) 

 

We have gotten our best used-car deals through our credit union - I don't mean just the loan, but they have some association with car dealers.  If you use a CU you might check into that.  You might also ask  your mechanic for advice, if you have a mechanic you trust.

 

I'm sorry.  This sounds very stressful.  :grouphug:   We too drive our cars into the ground but once something because too unreliable, it's just time.  It can be a safety issue as much as a convenience issue.

[Blueridge]

Thank you. Marriage advice is welcome, too. :)  You could describe mine as based on the patriarchal model (unfortunate but true) and I have seen the light just a bit. I promise I am not evil, just so sad at all the time passing without anything ever happening. I really don't know what I am doing at the moment but I do know that the girls and I are dying from slow suffocation. I really need a new car. I think dh would agree to buying one, sometime, when we can afford one, which would be never. 

[JustEm]

Wait do you have a car that you use its just old? Him not being on board with replacing it is very different then not being on board getting a second car for the family. If you have a car and its still running why do you want to replaceit? If you don't have one, why doesnt he want an extra one?

[FriedClams]

I'm sorry if I don't say this correctly, but it doesn't sound like a car issue. Perhaps a pastor or counselor could help you to communicate your needs to your husband in a way that he hears you. I'm sorry you're in such a stressful spot.

[maize]

OK, is there any chance you could get your husband to go to marriage counseling with you? If he is in the mind set of "husband makes all the decisions" and your legitimate needs and desires are going unaddressed, it is definitely time for something to change. If your relationship is overall pretty good, you might try pouring out your thoughts and feelings to him in a conversation or a letter, let him know how suffocated and unhappy you feel. A descent man does not want his wife and daughters to feel suffocated and unhappy.

[Jane in NC]

You said that you need to see your mom.  Why don't you rent a car to do that? 

[flyingiguana]

When I search for online car loans, I get this site:

http://www.bankrate.com/finance/auto/it-pays-to-surf-for-auto-loans-online-1.aspx

which leads me to this company as the lowest rate:

https://www.lightstream.com/used-car-loans?fact=13000&cid=DA|DSK|T|used_auto|E|BANK|fact=13000

 

I have no experience with this....

[maize]

How are family finances overall? Is there room in the budget for a car payment? Have you looked into getting a job? I have a friend who takes customer service calls for a company from home. It's not great pay, but it sounds like having a financial stream of your own could be a good thing.

[Crimson Wife]

Do you live somewhere where you can drive for Uber a few weekends/month? Somebody I know was telling me that he makes $650 per weekend that he drives for Uber and that would be more than enough to pay for a car loan. They even have special financing deals with both Toyota and GM. http://techcrunch.com/2013/11/24/uber-driver-car-financing/

 

I've got it in the back of my mind for when our older vehicle finally dies (it's an '04 and has 210k miles).

[cjzimmer1]

I'm sure different states have different rules but where I live I could just go buy a car on credit and all without DH (the funny part is that even though I have no income my credit score is higher than DH's but both are very high).  The biggest thing is that if he were not present when the deal was closed, his name would not get put on the title (although it could be added later, it's more work that way)

 

So I guess If I where in your shoes, I would figure out your budget.  I'm assuming you have enough knowledge of the family budget to know what payment is doable for the family (if not, I think you need that information first, sinking your family in debt will not help the marriage issues).  And then start shopping, I usually do some pre-shopping before taking DH out simply because I have more time than he does.  If I get a rude salesperson or one who condescending or even just gives me bad vibes, I go somewhere else (or come back a different day and get a different salesperson).  If a place had a vehicle I really wanted to look at but didn't like the salesperson, I would go so far as telling the manager I would like to look at X vehicle but I would like a different salesperson.  But really I've had very few shady salespeople. 

 

Take your time, ask lots of questions, research.  Do you have a trusted mechanic?  If buying used, it's worth the money to pay someone independantly to do a look over if you don't know enough about cars (which I don't)

 

 

[flyingiguana]

I know you are all correct. I just feel quite *stuck* at the moment. Dh is the kind of person that never wants any change in his life. That includes keeping old cars until their wheels literally fall off. We have had the discussion of getting a new car for a decade and it hasn't happened because my wheels have not quite fallen off yet. :glare:

 

Could you convince him by giving your car away to one of your kids?  Then you'd have to get something newer. 

 

If you have a mechanic you trust, and if you want to get a used car, that's a really good place to start.  Often times they know people who are looking to sell a car.  Sounds like you don't need a new car, just one that's more reliable?

 

I'm getting the sense this isn't just a husband following a patriarchal model of making all the decisions.  He's also one of these guys who doesn't want to waste.  I can understand that.  (I also will drive a car until the sides rust away....)  But maybe he needs to be coaxed into realizing it's a safety issue for you.  Even if the car is "safe" if it breaks down somewhere "not safe" that wouldn't be good.

 

Maybe counseling isn't necessary -- if the problem is just phrased in a different way he may get on board with the idea of a newer car.

[Spryte]

You said that you need to see your mom.  Why don't you rent a car to do that? 

 

I was going to suggest this.  If your current car is not reliable enough to drive to your mom's, then rent a car.  You have CCs, right?  You could rent a car any time you need to leave town.  

 

We are a one car family, but I rent cars fairly frequently to go out of town.  It's still less than buying a second car.

[maize]

Another thought from someone who drives a '96 van: if your car is drivable but you are concerned about it's reliability for a long trip, could you add roadside assistance and rental car reimbursement to your insurance policy to cover contingencies along the way, then go ahead and drive to visit your mom?

[Annie Anne]

. We have had the discussion of getting a new car for a decade and it hasn't happened because my wheels have not quite fallen off yet. :glare:  I have places I need to go...to see my mom, for example. I have to do these things on my own and I don't know how. 

 

Make the wheels fall off.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but if this has been going on for 10 years, it might not change any time soon.

As an unemployed, (sorry again, but that is what the credit companies will assess you as), married to a well employed person with good credit, I am allowed 1500 in credit without his signature.

That probably won't get you a car.

Go make the wheels fall off and tell him you did so.

It'll be easier than trying to pay a loan on your own.

If you got a loan on your own, would he refuse to allow his income to make the payments?

 

 

[Blueridge]

Wonderful advice, ladies! Such an encouragement. I wish I could give you a more accurate picture, but I probably should not attempt that here. ;)  A glimpse: Dh has my former car, long dead, sitting alongside our drive. We live in the middle of the woods so it isn't seen by passers-by, but still. It was a good car, but very old, and now has been sitting there going unused...for 7 years. That's what I mean about things never changing. Instead of becoming a heartless nag, I just let things...time...go by, too.So I see him as the head of our home, but I am beginning to see that if anything out of the regular routine of our days happens, it will be me doing that. We have a grandbaby, over a year old now, that I have not been able to see since he was a newborn. The pain that causes me each time I remind dh that we need to take a trip and he then reminds me of how expensive a trip will be, I cannot express my discouragement. Things will happen, some day. Vacations we have missed, homeschool opportunities we haven't been able to pursue, on and on. My car is a 1997 and I do not trust it to get me farther than the local Walmart. Dh values me and tries as hard as he thinks he can to provide, and I feel like a wretch for even thinking like this. I asked him just Saturday if we could make some family goals, some kind of vision for our future, and he said he didn't have any ideas. Feeling broken today. So sorry for my whining. I just think if I had a dependable car, a new car that would outlast me lol, my attitude would improve. 

[DawnM]

How do you make the wheels fall off?

 

And why would you smugly tell him you did it?  

 

That sounds quite counter productive.

 

 

Make the wheels fall off.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but if this has been going on for 10 years, it might not change any time soon.

As an unemployed, (sorry again, but that is what the credit companies will assess you as), married to a well employed person with good credit, I am allowed 1500 in credit without his signature.

That probably won't get you a car.

Go make the wheels fall off and tell him you did so.

It'll be easier than trying to pay a loan on your own.

If you got a loan on your own, would he refuse to allow his income to make the payments?

 

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[Jane in NC]

Wonderful advice, ladies! Such an encouragement. I wish I could give you a more accurate picture, but I probably should not attempt that here. ;)  A glimpse: Dh has my former car, long dead, sitting alongside our drive. We live in the middle of the woods so it isn't seen by passers-by, but still. It was a good car, but very old, and now has been sitting there going unused...for 7 years. That's what I mean about things never changing. Instead of becoming a heartless nag, I just let things...time...go by, too.So I see him as the head of our home, but I am beginning to see that if anything out of the regular routine of our days happens, it will be me doing that. We have a grandbaby, over a year old now, that I have not been able to see since he was a newborn. The pain that causes me each time I remind dh that we need to take a trip and he then reminds me of how expensive a trip will be, I cannot express my discouragement. Things will happen, some day. Vacations we have missed, homeschool opportunities we haven't been able to pursue, on and on. My car is a 1997 and I do not trust it to get me farther than the local Walmart. Dh values me and tries as hard as he thinks he can to provide, and I feel like a wretch for even thinking like this. I asked him just Saturday if we could make some family goals, some kind of vision for our future, and he said he didn't have any ideas. Feeling broken today. So sorry for my whining. I just think if I had a dependable car, a new car that would outlast me lol, my attitude would improve. 

 

So when your husband said he did not have any ideas, did you respond by telling him that you want to visit your Mom and be a part of your grandchild's life?  Are you articulating your frustrations and needs to him?

 

[DawnM]

Another question.  Do you have the money in your joint account to actually pay for the things you desire?  Is your husband hoarding the $$ or does he truly not have the money to give?   

 

If there is no money, you simply cannot get any car or rental or vacation or trip.....it isn't there.  However, if it is a budgeting problem, you DO need to sit down with him and say, "I know you said you don't have any ideas, but I do have some ideas and would like to talk to you about them."

 

Wanting to see family is not a request for a vacation at all.

[Aelwydd]

I would use the paid off, old car to drive myself to a job, or to college to get my degree. And then, use my new income as leverage to make some demands for change in my marriage.

 

The problem isn't the lack of a new car, IMO. The issue is you are in an unequal relationship, where he holds both decision making and economic power. If you bought a new car on his credit and income, you will be even more reliant on him for money to make payments. You would give him more ability to control you, by virtue of the fact his name WOULD HAVE TO BE ON THE TITLE and/ or the loan.

 

Which means at any time he could legally sell your car. Or, simply refuse to make a payment, and allow it to be repossessed. His credit would take a hit, but he'd have years of an income to cushion him a bit.

 

You'd still have no income, no car, and ruined credit.

[Blueridge]

So when your husband said he did not have any ideas, did you respond by telling him that you want to visit your Mom and be a part of your grandchild's life?  Are you articulating your frustrations and needs to him?

 

 

That's why I see myself at some sort of crossroads...I have tried through the years to be clear but respectful, and that hasn't gotten us anywhere. He forgets my frustration because I try to make our home a happy place. I don't seem to have the energy for that much anymore. We are certainly getting older and I am losing my patience with his *We'll have to wait on that.* and *We can't afford that* mantras. I try to voice something, his voice will get a little louder, and I will just get quiet and back in my introvert zone. I know that is not healthy. sigh

[gardenmom5]

two things:

absolutely know the prices of what you're buying and don't go over by even a penny.  (when buying new - I will NOT pay Costco price.  it's a great deal - for the dealer.)  absolutely know what are your must have features - and base your price on that.

be prepared to walk out on the salesman.  doesn't matter how long you've been negotiating, be prepared to walk out.  that will put you in a position of power. 

[Jane in NC]

That's why I see myself at some sort of crossroads...I have tried through the years to be clear but respectful, and that hasn't gotten us anywhere. He forgets my frustration because I try to make our home a happy place. I don't seem to have the energy for that much anymore. We are certainly getting older and I am losing my patience with his *We'll have to wait on that.* and *We can't afford that* mantras. I try to voice something, his voice will get a little louder, and I will just get quiet and back in my introvert zone. I know that is not healthy. sigh

 

You are indeed at a crossroads.  Marriage counseling is in order.

 

Hoping you find inner strength and, in the meantime, virtual hugs,

Jane

 

[maize]

It is sounding like maybe family finances are a big part of the problem. Many hugs, this is not an easy situation to be in. It sounds like you are motivated and ready to make a change happen; if finances are really tight, a new car may just not be in the cards unless and until you can get a job to supplement the family income. Based on what I know so far about your situation, I think that is the direction I would be looking--even if the job is just working at the local Walmart.

[Tammyla]

I would be very reluctant to go ahead with a purchase if your family can not afford one.   Would your current vehicle be worth selling and then finding a replacement with the money you have on hand and the proceeds from the car?

 

You mention seeing the light a bit, is there someone you could go to for counseling and advice locally like clergy or a counselor?  Joint would be the best option, but you may benefit going on your own if your dh isn't on board. I hope this works out somehow and you get to see your grandbaby soon. :grouphug:  

Thank you. Marriage advice is welcome, too. :)  You could describe mine as based on the patriarchal model (unfortunate but true) and I have seen the light just a bit. I promise I am not evil, just so sad at all the time passing without anything ever happening. I really don't know what I am doing at the moment but I do know that the girls and I are dying from slow suffocation. I really need a new car. I think dh would agree to buying one, sometime, when we can afford one, which would be never. 

 

[Mama Geek]

The car is the least of your problems you and your husband need to work on your relationship and probably with outside help.

[Blueridge]

I guess so. :(  I tried to locate some kind of Christian counselling nearby and found none. If I brought it up to dh, I am fairly sure he would say there was nothing wrong with *us* or, even better, that we couldn't afford it. Goodness, I guess I really just want to run away this morning!  :driving:

[maize]

I remember my mom going through a phase of really needing more independence, starting around age fifty. Some of it was probably related to the hormonal changes of menopause, some was not having babies and littles underfoot anymore--she was just in a new phase of life and past patterns and relationships needed adjustment. She had been pretty content at home raising kids, now she needed wider horizons. It was a rough adjustment for my dad, I think he experienced the changes in her as a rejection of him. They survived the adjustment phase, though, and are still happily married.

 

I guess what I am saying is that your sense of feeling trapped and needing more freedom may be heralding a new phase in your life and your marriage, and there is going to be a real adjustment period ahead.

[Crimson Wife]

I get finances being tight. That's the reason we put a new engine into our car a couple years ago when it had 180k miles rather than buying a replacement. I'm so with you about being sick of "we can't afford it" and "we'll have to wait on it" because it's going on 8 years (September 2007 is when the economy started tanking). We're both frustrated with the larger macroeconomic situation and while we try to keep that frustration from spilling over into our relationship, it's tough to do sometimes when we're both tired after a long day. {{{hugs}}}

[Jane in NC]

Be a good role model to your daughters.  Do you have a friend who might want to take a road trip with you? 

[Aelwydd]

Why don't you take the money for a down payment, use it to rent a car to take a trip to see the grandbaby, and use the temporary distance to do some soul searching.

 

You need to know what is wrong with your marriage, what your options are for fixing it, and your own, personal level of determination to see your course through, even it is difficult.

 

Good luck.

[MomatHWTK]

Does your Dh object to you getting a job?  Do you know enough about the family budget to know whether you can afford a car payment?  You can have the dead car hauled to a scrap yard- they should give you a few hundred dollars depending on make, etc. 

 

Our very old van is currently getting a new engine just as a PP mentioned. We drive the wheels off and unfortunately all the wheels fell off of all our vehicles at once.  Since so many of the low priced used cars were destroyed via cash for clunkers, we have found it very difficult to replace our fleet.  So we did have to buy one vehicle with a loan. 

 

Our experience looking was that prices were higher than expected, price negotiations were limited, and selection in our price range was small. 

[Crimson Wife]

What we've found is that there are fewer used cars available because most people are now hanging onto their vehicles far longer than in the past. People we know who used to get a new vehicle every 2-3 years are now holding onto them for 5 years, those who used to go 5 years are now going 10 years, and so on. Many 20somethings I know are not buying cars at all and are just using Uber, Lyft, Zipcar, etc.

[LibraryLover]

You have had a dead car on your property for 7 years? That would make me crazy. Rust and junk in eyesight every single damn day? I would have had that sucker towed away long ago. (Why hasn't he done that himself? That doesn't really seem healthy, or make sense.) Or put it on Craig's List for free. Someone will tow it away for parts. It's very easy to do. I'm going to guess he also doesn't rinse dishes or pick up his socks. Could he be depressed? ( What if you tell him you'll make arrangements for the car?)

 

I'd rent a car ASAP and go visit my grandchild. I wouldn't think twice. Can you not afford that, or will he be mad if you did?

[Blueridge]

I need to get that old car hauled off but I haven't done it. For years he told me he wanted to 'hang onto in, just in case'. My goodness. So I will try to locate some place that will come here and tow it away. I have been home and homeschooling for such a long time. I haven't worked professionally in 30 years. I do have a degree and teacher's certification but cannot imagine teaching outside my home! I still have 2 daughters not yet finished so I feel I should stay home until they are graduated. Maybe that's a cop-out. Dh is probably insecure, he has lost 2 jobs in the last 8 years that have devastated us financially. We lived off retirement savings and now have just the little envelope of emergency cash I have stashed. He does dip into it regularly but replaces it again, but I never will get ahead that way. That could be of some use but probably wouldn't get me very far from home ha ha. So again, I feel stuck. I can't rent a vehicle without him since the only cc we have is in his name. I am feeling insecure with my homeschooling days nearing completion, and dd21 just announced her engagement, so I do feel I should be taking some positive steps to take care of myself more independently. I sure appreciate the love here! :) 

[BlsdMama]

 I think dh would agree to buying one, sometime, when we can afford one, which would be never.

I think this comment is really important. You recognize that your husband is not trying to suffocate you, simply that it is not affordable.

 

It wold be a major mistake to make a major purchase, ruin your credit, and then be out a car.... Because if it's not in the budget, it's just, well, NOT.

 

Does your DH balance your checkbook? I ask because I am the balance here and it is very stressful for the BALANCER to have a spouse who wants to make a major purchase that you know is not in the monthly budget.

[BlsdMama]

That's why I see myself at some sort of crossroads...I have tried through the years to be clear but respectful, and that hasn't gotten us anywhere. He forgets my frustration because I try to make our home a happy place. I don't seem to have the energy for that much anymore. We are certainly getting older and I am losing my patience with his *We'll have to wait on that.* and *We can't afford that* mantras. I try to voice something, his voice will get a little louder, and I will just get quiet and back in my introvert zone. I know that is not healthy. sigh

I guess the question is.... is that a mantra, an excuse, or the truth? I'd it's the truth, it probably hurts him to have to keep saying it too, it's just the truth.

[Blueridge]

I think we could do SO much better with a firmer budget in place. The man has a degree in finance for goodness sake. But he sees budgeting as restrictive or unnecessary?? Or something. So a payday will come, he goes by Walmart and grabs a bunch of silly stuff we could have done without because it makes him (I think) feel like a good provider. He works hard and I appreciate that. But he is a spender and I have to be a saver and he is winning. :( We are usually with just a few $$ left the week before the next payday. I have tried free online budgets and things but they never seem to be effective. I usually do all the bills, checkbook, etc., but this past spring he took that over while I worked on Lyme recovery. It was just awful, the bills he would simply put off paying so we would have more to spend! So I have the finances back in my hands and want to be wise. I guess I saw a new car, *my* new car, as something tangible that I could count on. That really does sound pathetic. I want to work with him, if that is even still possible, to create a few future goals so we can live peacefully and have some kind of hope for our lives, but the days just roll into years, all the same. A few weeks ago I asked him to please stop saying the phrase, "We can't afford it." That is a habit so deeply ingrained he cannot stop even saying it. 

[LucyStoner]

Ok, your youngest daughters are 15 and 16? You've lived off your retirement savings? You have basically no wiggle room in your budget and are unable to save again for an ever nearing retirement age? You have no credit or debit card on your name? You have not had a functioning car in 7 years? You can't go and see your own grandchild?

 

The time has long since come to get yourself a job. It is economically reckless not to. Your daughters are old enough to go to community college or study at home with you not being there every minute. It doesn't need to be a fulltime job. You may qualify for worker retraining benefits as a homemaker reentering the workforce.

[Liz CA]

I know you are all correct. I just feel quite *stuck* at the moment. Dh is the kind of person that never wants any change in his life. That includes keeping old cars until their wheels literally fall off. We have had the discussion of getting a new car for a decade and it hasn't happened because my wheels have not quite fallen off yet. :glare:  I have places I need to go...to see my mom, for example. I have to do these things on my own and I don't know how. 

 

Start renting cars when you feel uncomfortable driving your own for longer distances. Would this wake up your dh? If not, then have fun renting different vehicles.

 

[elegantlion]

I guess so. :(  I tried to locate some kind of Christian counselling nearby and found none. If I brought it up to dh, I am fairly sure he would say there was nothing wrong with *us* or, even better, that we couldn't afford it. Goodness, I guess I really just want to run away this morning!  :driving:

 

It sounds like an unbalanced relationship. I would take some steps to creating your own income stream, even if it's doing something online, even if it's seasonal income. I have both extremes in my family and it's hard when needs go unmet because no one ever wants to plan for them to happen. 

 

I would say that you are strong enough to step out and make some of your own desires happen. I say that with greatest empathy for your situation.  :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

I think we could do SO much better with a firmer budget in place. The man has a degree in finance for goodness sake. But he sees budgeting as restrictive or unnecessary?? Or something. So a payday will come, he goes by Walmart and grabs a bunch of silly stuff we could have done without because it makes him (I think) feel like a good provider. He works hard and I appreciate that. But he is a spender and I have to be a saver and he is winning. :( We are usually with just a few $$ left the week before the next payday. I have tried free online budgets and things but they never seem to be effective. I usually do all the bills, checkbook, etc., but this past spring he took that over while I worked on Lyme recovery. It was just awful, the bills he would simply put off paying so we would have more to spend! So I have the finances back in my hands and want to be wise. I guess I saw a new car, *my* new car, as something tangible that I could count on. That really does sound pathetic. I want to work with him, if that is even still possible, to create a few future goals so we can live peacefully and have some kind of hope for our lives, but the days just roll into years, all the same. A few weeks ago I asked him to please stop saying the phrase, "We can't afford it." That is a habit so deeply ingrained he cannot stop even saying it. 

 

Okay. This presents a different picture. I'd find a counselor. Spending to make oneself feel good has multiple underlying reasons. Once he has dealt with those, he may be more amenable doing a budget.