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Getting over yourself...


Mynyel
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How does one do that? I get frustrated somewhat easily.

 

I read the instructions to ds12 3 times. It was simple. He was to read his answer in the box. He kept reading it wrong. Finally I figured out that he didn't follow the previous instructions and boxed the wring answer. He read the answer to be me. I told him to write a box around it. He only wrote a box around the first word. Not the whole thing.

Couple this with ds6 running around and trying to antagonize his brother while doing work and knocking over things and not wanting to pick it up because it was making a funny noise.

 

I snapped. Told them both to take a break because I need one and to go play outside.

 

How do I keep from doing this? I hate getting snappy but can't seem to calm down. I think I am lacking a vitamin or something. Maybe I just need a chill pill? I know I need less stress but that just can't happen. Not at this juncture in our lives.

 

So how can I just get over myself and press on. These things can just ruin my whole day.

 

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1. I sometimes tell my kids "I need a time out" and I go take one.  I think it is OK.  Sometimes stretching my neck all around, breathing, looking in the distance for a few moments is enough.  But not always.

 

2. Possibly your younger child's antics are making it too hard for your older child to keep track of what he's hearing / reading / doing.  Can you give younger child something more quiet/still to do when the older's work requires multiple step thought processes etc?  Or at least alert older child to what is happening so he puts more effort into blocking out the distraction?

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First, is there anything the 6 year old can be doing in another room?  An art project or a video or legos?  Or listening to an audio book while he creates something with legos or clay or something?

 

Second.  there are a dozen reasons why your child may be struggling with following the instructions, many of them having absolutely nothing to do with attitude and absolutely everything to do with some sort of disconnect in the long string of things that have to happen to follow instructions.  Maybe he has some difficulty with decoding words fluently, maybe he has trouble with reading comprehension, maybe he has trouble with sequencing, maybe he has low working memory or word retrieval, etc. etc.  What may seem completely obvious and easy for you may be quite challenging for him.

 

I know it gets really frustrating.  Your child is probably really frustrated, too. :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

 How is his reading comprehension?

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I have a daughter who has really frustrating "blocks" and memory problems.  I try to be understanding, but when I am stressed out (because we are strapped for time and have so much to do), sometimes I say something stupid.  Even a small slip can ruin the lesson for my kid who already lacks confidence.  It sucks.  Sometimes being human sucks.

 

The other day she had a problem for math camp:  12 x 6.  (She is going into 3rd grade.)  I helped her break it down (10x6 + 2x6).  She figured out 10x6.  Then she figured out 2x6.  By the time she figured out 2x6 she had no recollection of what 10x6 was.  She had to go over the problem several times to get it right.  Telling her "it's easy" was upsetting to her.  Sigh.  (Writing down each step would have helped, but I was driving the car at that moment.)

 

I do try to make a point to state what she does right.  "You set up the [word] problem right, that's the most important thing.  You know how to multiply ...."  With following directions, "you chose the right word, that shows you understand what a verb is.  Now look again at what the instructions tell you to do.  Which part isn't quite right?"  (Usually she circles instead of underlining, or forgets a step all together, etc.)

 

Ultimately I don't think it will matter if she grows up not remembering to circle instead of underline etc., but I do understand your frustration.

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FWIW, although you weren't referencing math I would like to share something from my own childhood that might help a little (I hope).

 

 I struggled with math all the way through high school but math came really easily to my dad.  He wanted to help and would tutor me after school.  But he would get really frustrated when I struggled, especially with things that we had already gone over.  He would tell me "This is easy!  We just went over it!" and it was so hurtful to me.  It was easy for HIM.  It made sense to HIM.  He could hold the information in his head for long periods of time so he could still recall what we had just previously done.  I couldn't.  I tried so hard but I just couldn't.  

 

His statement made me feel like I was horribly flawed and stupid.  He didn't mean it that way.  But that is how it came across.  "This is easy.  If you don't find it easy then you are flawed and stupid."  That is what I heard from his "easy" statement.  And it didn't encourage me to try harder.  It encouraged me to not want to try at all.  Why try when I am obviously flawed and stupid and cannot get something that is supposed to be easy?  It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The more I avoided math, the less practice and experience I got.  What I needed was to not fear making a mistake.  To be encouraged and to be told that the only way to really learn is to try, to experience, to accept that things won't always be exactly right and that's o.k.  Keep working.  It will make sense eventually.  Even if it isn't easy.

 

Whatever your child is doing may seem easy to the parent teaching the material.  But for your child it may very well not be easy at all.  And even though they get it sometimes doesn't mean that everything lines up well for them to get it all the time.  Not easy to be patient and encouraging when you are going over and over something and it seems easy.  I know.  Huge hugs.  But if there is any way to provide positive support and scaffolding that is the much better path, IMHO, than ever saying "this is easy" when a child is struggling.  

 

One more thing, if a child is told it is easy and they struggle, then when they actually achieve success the success doesn't really mean anything.  So what?  I was told this was easy. So all my hard work means that I was just incapable.  Now that I can do it that isn't really much of an accomplishment, is it?  But if a child is told that it can be challenging and hard work and determination can help, then if they do succeed, the success really does mean something and their hard work is actually acknowledged, KWIM?

 

Just thought I would add that since I thought it MIGHT help a bit.  Best wishes.

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I agree "easy" is a loaded term.  My daughter is one who will thankfully articulate her hurt.  After I said something was "easy" (and I didn't say it in a nasty tone or anything), she pointed out that at math camp, nobody is allowed to say "easy," "hard," or "can't."  I told her I understand why that is, but I had used the word "easy" not to hurt but to encourage her to keep at it just a little longer.  It helped that she did eventually get the answer.

 

But "easy" is definitely a word I will try to avoid going forward.

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FWIW, although you weren't referencing math I would like to share something from my own childhood that might help a little (I hope).

 

 I struggled with math all the way through high school but math came really easily to my dad.  He wanted to help and would tutor me after school.  But he would get really frustrated when I struggled, especially with things that we had already gone over.  He would tell me "This is easy!  We just went over it!" and it was so hurtful to me.  It was easy for HIM.  It made sense to HIM.  He could hold the information in his head for long periods of time so he could still recall what we had just previously done.  I couldn't.  I tried so hard but I just couldn't.  

 

His statement made me feel like I was horribly flawed and stupid.  He didn't mean it that way.  But that is how it came across.  "This is easy.  If you don't find it easy then you are flawed and stupid."  That is what I heard from his "easy" statement.  And it didn't encourage me to try harder.  It encouraged me to not want to try at all.  Why try when I am obviously flawed and stupid and cannot get something that is supposed to be easy?  It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The more I avoided math, the less practice and experience I got.  What I needed was to not fear making a mistake.  To be encouraged and to be told that the only way to really learn is to try, to experience, to accept that things won't always be exactly right and that's o.k.  Keep working.  It will make sense eventually.  Even if it isn't easy.

 

Whatever your child is doing may seem easy to the parent teaching the material.  But for your child it may very well not be easy at all.  And even though they get it sometimes doesn't mean that everything lines up well for them to get it all the time.  Not easy to be patient and encouraging when you are going over and over something and it seems easy.  I know.  Huge hugs.  But if there is any way to provide positive support and scaffolding that is the much better path, IMHO, than ever saying "this is easy" when a child is struggling.  

 

One more thing, if a child is told it is easy and they struggle, then when they actually achieve success the success doesn't really mean anything.  So what?  I was told this was easy. So all my hard work means that I was just incapable.  Now that I can do it that isn't really much of an accomplishment, is it?  But if a child is told that it can be challenging and hard work and determination can help, then if they do succeed, the success really does mean something and their hard work is actually acknowledge, KWIM?

 

Just thought I would add that since I thought it MIGHT help a bit.  Best wishes.

It's easy to forget how our words can come across to our kids. I think your post really demonstrates how a few words can affect us -- and stick with us for years to come.

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I shall try to remember to use "it's challenging, but you can do it." That's usually how I put things.

This is good! I suspect I'll be using it in the next 5 minutes. A kid here has a first paper of the term due tomorrow and the meltdown red flags are already flying.

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Guest inoubliable

I shall try to remember to use "it's challenging, but you can do it."  That's usually how I put things.

 

I have to say this to my teen who likes to whine that things are "haaaard". 

"It's not hard, it's challenging. You don't *want* to do it, but you *can* and need to show me that."

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I have to say this to my teen who likes to whine that things are "haaaard".

"It's not hard, it's challenging. You don't *want* to do it, but you *can* and need to show me that."

Another gold statement of reason to add to the verbal bank. Thanks, KK. Bet I'll use it before the lights go out in my home tonight.

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Guest inoubliable

Another gold statement of reason to add to the verbal bank. Thanks, KK. Bet I'll use it before the lights go out in my home tonight.

 

You're welcome! :) 

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