Word Nerd Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 This part will be REALLY hard. She can't come with us because of visa issues and because this is her home. Her family is here. So will be leaving our nanny behind after 5.5 years of relationship and I haven't even begun to deal with how that will affect my little girl (and the rest of us!) :( It will be very, very hard. This was my first thought when I read your OP. I don't think any of your reasons for leaving sound petty, but I'm sure it will be hard to go. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 (((Heather))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Dh was interviewed for a clergy position in Europe some time ago. I clearly remember the bishop, who was quite content, saying 5 years in another country is a long time. I don't think you'll love everything about *home* anymore. And maybe not like some of the things you miss. But as a mom with last child entering college I think your move is timely. We live in a college town and college students need to know mom and dad are around. It's a weird transitional time for most young people. Your family helps keep you grounded. And who else will understand what he misses about Malaysia and his time growing up there. My ds lived with my former host family in Germany last year. It is so nice for us to share that family, home, town, etc. Also don't rule out private schools. Our children are not paying much more than they would at the state college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I think your kids will have a difficult time living like Americans again. It's necessary, but it will be a bigger transition for them than for you, simply because a larger proportion of their lives was in Malaysia. But I can completely understand why you'd need to come home. Those all sound like very valid reasons. It would be charming at first, but after 8 years I can see how the charm would wear off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in CA Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Some of my reasons seem borderline “pettyâ€â€¦ like I miss any form of customer service, and being able to go into a store and be reasonably assured that what I need is available, and American cars, and parking spots, and Target and Panera. I miss convenience, and things working properly, and stores being open most of the time, and public bathrooms that have something more than a hole in the ground, and hot water for my washing machine and for washing dishes… and so forth. We also want to establish residency so we can get in-state tuition for our ds who starts college in 2016. We want to find a good tennis program for our youngest two who are both quite gifted in that area and ready to get serious about it (there is very little room for tennis on our tiny island). I haven't read any of the replies yet, but I just want to say I understand! My husband and I lived overseas for 7 years, and near the end of our time there we started going to see American movies just to feast our eyes on the big houses, big cars, big, clean stores filled with shiny products ... We don't consider ourselves materialistic, but it was all so familiar and so obviously comfortable. Our local overseas friends and colleagues were -- like you know yours will be -- a little hurt when we told them we were leaving. Our American friends who visited us overseas were amazed we could leave such a paradise on earth. (Many of them mourned having a basically free vacation available to them. I know this is the opposite of your American friends' and relations' reaction!) In-state tuition is a huge, and valid, reason to return. We know many expatriates & missionaries whose children attend university in the States, but that is SO far away and also expensive ... Best wishes with your decisions! I've enjoyed very much reading about your adventures in Malaysia, but I guess I can live without that. :) ETA: ah yes, customer service. Is the U.S. the only country where the customer is king? I wish wish wish Americans knew how spoiled they are ... Returning a used, damaged item after a year, with no receipt? Wearing a dress once to a dance and then returning it for a full refund? OK, I'd better stop ... :) Every other country (3) I've lived in, you'd get a stern reprimand and then laughed out of town ... And even returning an obviously defective product can be scary :-p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel-in-CA Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Friends I've talked to who've moved "home" after long periods overseas have said it was really important to take time "in between." They've chosen to stay in a hotel or take a vacation between leaving the old place and arriving in the new place. It gave them time to talk and process what they missed, what they looked forward to, how life would be different. I don't think moving for the benefit of your family (aside from all the other reasons) is petty in the least. My brother & his wife left their work in Africa after 15 years to move to Spain so that they could give their boys a stable schooling experience. Now they're considering relocating again, after about 6 years, as their boys hit college years. In their case, my sil is a Canadian citizen, so the boys will be attending university in Canada, where they've never lived, and will have to adapt to yet another culture. They're planning a transition year in community college while living with a family to help them take this big step. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Vent all you want, Heather. We're here for you. It's a tough decision, but I know you'll do what's right for you and your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Wow, Heather. I don't have any advice other what was given. :grouphug: :grouphug: Feel free to share here as you go through your decision making process. :iagree: ((((Heather)))) When it's time, it's time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Gosh, I don't think any of your reasoning sounds petty. I think a lot of decisions in life are made because "a thousand" little things peck you to death. :) Moving is hard. As you know. We moved coast to coast and even thought I was so excited -- I was also terrified. The unknown is. . . so unknown. Scary. I'd wake up in the middle of the night panicked. Anyway, hugs to you. Hey, congratulations and confetti -- you're a normal human being. (I'd miss all the conveniences too.) :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I came back after nine years in Japan. My two eldest were born there. My eldest was nearly 7 and that was the only home she ever knew. As a PP said, leaving and adjusting to a new culture was very hard. It was something I didn't expect because, though the US had become not-quite-home, it wasn't completely unfamiliar to me. But for my dd, it was entirely new and her culture shock was long-lasting and traumatic. I know you know that to some extent already, and I don't want to scare you but it's worth preparing yourself mentally. That being said, I have never, ever regretted leaving. I was on a high for years after coming back because I was enjoying my new American life so much. I wouldn't want to move back to Japan for long but I'd love to visit if I had the money...but we'll probably never will. I love my washing machine that has temperature settings and I love having a dryer. I love hot running water (not all of my homes in Japan had that) and I love central heating and A/C. I still sometimes thank God for them because it does make life so nice. I loved having a bed that wasn't on the floor while I was pregnant. I love huge supermarkets and discount stores that are always open and have everything we need (even if they make me sick after too long). I love Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. I love the space and large size. I love sitting on chairs. I love ravioli and meatballs and Italian subs/hoagies. I miss not being able to walk anywhere and being able to greet all my neighbors when I went out in the morning. I miss just being able to walk into a doctor's office without an appointment. I miss hot springs and even public baths (gasp!), but not enough to go back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Your reasons are absolutely valid and not petty. You have already gotten excellent advice so I will just offer support and well wishes. :grouphug: I would put in a plug for north Alabama, but while we have good tennis programs, Texas has excellent ones. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 This part will be REALLY hard. She can't come with us because of visa issues and because this is her home. Her family is here. So will be leaving our nanny behind after 5.5 years of relationship and I haven't even begun to deal with how that will affect my little girl (and the rest of us!) :( It will be very, very hard. We haven't had any household employees for about 6 years, because my income took a huge drop and the U.S. Dollar also took a huge drop. There is (or was) a type of Visa for Household Employees who have been with you for a long time. When DD was a toddler, I looked into getting one for our Maid to go with us on a trip to the USA. She would have helped us with DD on the trip and it would have been something that we could do for her (a Visa and a trip to the USA) that she could not do on her own. You need to pay the Household Employee the minimum wage or more and comply with all U.S. Labor laws. I thought we could afford to do that for a couple of weeks, but forever, it would take a huge income on your part. And, it is quite possible that she would not want to leave her family and Malaysia, etc. Another reason we do not have household employees now is that the Colombian government changed the laws about what benefits need to be provided. We could and did provide Health/Medical insurance, but then they also required a Pension plan and that cost several times what the Health/Medical insurance did and we didn't have that much $ to spend on a maid. We know what you mean about your employee(s). We had one woman who worked for us here in this house, twice, and the house was very relaxed with her in the house, something we did not find was the case with several others. In the previous house, we also had a woman who I think worked for us twice and it was relaxed with her around. She's the one we contemplated trying to take with us on a vacation to the states. We did not find it comfortable having "live in" employees, so they were with us in the house 5 1/2 days a week, during the day. Do not burn your bridges! When DD was very young and we had a lot more income and she was in the private school (accredited in the USA and in Colombia) in K4, K5, and First grade, there was a teacher who'd taught there before. She went back to the states for more education and then she came back here to work in the school a 2nd time. When she left, she brought a Colombian husband (another teacher in the school as I recall) back to the states with her. So, there could be a possibility that in the future you might want to return to Malaysia. I doubt that, but you might decide at some point in the future, to move from the USA to another country. Possibly even to Malaysia. If all goes well, you will enjoy living in the place you decide to live in and you will be very happy there. If not, there are airplanes going to many destinations, on a daily basis. I understand your feelings about COLD weather and that you are not going back to MI and I deal on a business basis with a company based in MI, so I know just how cold it was there during the past Winter. Our Mean temperature is 26C (79F) and it is probably about the same where you are. The only thing I hate more than hot weather is cold weather. Based on that and on what you wrote, I would suggest that you concentrate on FL. Because of the weather and that you can teach there and the work that your DH has done. No state income tax in FL (unless they added one recently) and you just need to watch out for the Alligators... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 You should come to GA. We have a virtual school, good weather . . . and Emory! :leaving: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 :seeya: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamee Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Not petty at all. If it hasn't been suggested yet, I'd highly recommend reading Third Culture Kids. The section on re-entry was really insightful. We've been away from the US for almost 8 years now, so this is more home than not, but I totally understand--the idea of big parking spaces is so unbelievable! Wishing you all the best as you come to terms with the decision. ETA: just an observation from living in a very nomadic society--military base--be prepared to start finding all the wrong with the country as you prepare to leave it. So many people on their way out start focusing on the negatives I think as a means to compensate for the loss. I've gotten used to it, but it's still disconcerting to hear people so negative even if they don't mean to be. Hope I said that right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 All very good reasons to return. I cannot believe it's been six years as I can recall your posting here about the initial offer to go to Malaysia... There are seasons to everything and if you feel strongly this season is coming to an end you need not justify your decision to anyone. Another task may be waiting for you here. I hope you can take a couple of months off and regroup, recharge and re-acclimate before you take on the next challenge. Welcome home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Think of it as another adventure. The country to which you'll be returning isn't the same as it was when you left, and most certainly, you are not the same. It will be okay. You will all be okay. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 Thank you all so much for your kind responses. It is all so emotionally overwhelming right now. We do love our lives here in many ways, especially our school. It will be so hard to leave yet somehow we just know it is time. I don't want to get to a point where the stress of living in a developing country overshadows all the amazing experiences we have had. I want to leave on a high note. Does that make sense? I took a big step today and filled out the application to transfer my teaching license to Florida. We are still considering other states as well but I think Florida is our first choice for now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 I'm curious about the hole in the floor for a bathroom. How does that work? LOL How does one not fall in? That alone would make me want to leave yesterday. :laugh: You asked for it. :) http://whatmovesyou.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/p1040043-e1277387169715.jpg This is what a typical public toilet looks like. You basically stand on either side of the hole and squat all the way down to do your business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I love squat toilets. They are SO much easier to clean than a Western-style toilet. And they are so much less gross when you're stuck with using a toilet that no one else has cleaned in a very long time. But they are not for everyone. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 Oh my. It must be challenging for children and those who have a hard time squatting. Interestingly, my dd has no problem using them but I cannot do it well. I always feel like I'm going to lose my balance and fall in. And my dh? Forget it. His knees are too bad to squat that low. I often wonder how very heavy people manage. It's also easier if you are wearing a dress or a skirt. Pants are much more challenging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 :grouphug: I remember when you left. Perhaps that season is over and there's no telling what wonderful things are in store for you next. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I imagine you're attached, it's been your home for years. I hope you reach a peace about it though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Go for it! Don't burn any bridges and leave it open to maybe coming back. You may find that you miss Malaysia in a couple of years and want to go back. Just tell the folks there, "It's time to spend some time states side again." The emotions and details are personal. It's enough to say you need an extended vacation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Interestingly, my dd has no problem using them but I cannot do it well. I always feel like I'm going to lose my balance and fall in. And my dh? Forget it. His knees are too bad to squat that low. I often wonder how very heavy people manage. It's also easier if you are wearing a dress or a skirt. Pants are much more challenging. They sure are good for building leg muscles! In Japan, you can get special seats that go over them, but that would only work at home. For public bathrooms, they are more sanitary in that you don't have to touch anything. You can squat and then flush with your foot. I think they are easier than squatting on a Western-style toilet when you don't want to touch anything. They do not have a water buckets next to the toilets in Japan. I wonder if that's more of a south Asian custom. I had them in the homes I lived in and I think they smell more that Western-style toilets even when they're clean. These are all my thoughts on squat toilets. LOL. I'm sorry that this has nothing to do with Heather's big plans. Heather, I'm going to try to find the Bible verses that were very consoling to me as I planned my trip back. I can tell you he kept His promises he made in those verses, and I now I know moving back here was an important step we made in our earthly pilgrimage. We have been blessed in ways we never expected. P.S. Plan more time than you need to pack. Start decluttering now. We had a doozy of a time trying to pack up and get rid of the contents of our house. I was pregnant and got really sick during our last month. It was scary. We had a moving party and all our friends came. We offered food and drinks and they each promised to take a big bag of junk with them when they left. We hired a guy down the street with a pick up truck to take junk to the city incinerator/dump for us. He had to take multiple trips, and on the last day there was more unexpected stuff, and we left it in his yard with cash to compensate him. Wonderful dear women, one who converted to Christ right after we left and her friend who was a stranger to us, showed up unexpectedly on our last morning to do a final cleaning. God provided generously during that hectic and emotional time. I know he will for you, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Thank you all so much for your kind responses. It is all so emotionally overwhelming right now. We do love our lives here in many ways, especially our school. It will be so hard to leave yet somehow we just know it is time. I don't want to get to a point where the stress of living in a developing country overshadows all the amazing experiences we have had. I want to leave on a high note. Does that make sense? I took a big step today and filled out the application to transfer my teaching license to Florida. We are still considering other states as well but I think Florida is our first choice for now. Absolutely, it makes sense. Given what you described in your OP, I think FL would be the best fit for you. There are tons of boardies here who could give you insights on various areas. I grew up in S FL, but haven't lived there since the mid 80's and haven't been back since '94, so I can't really speak to what it's grown into. However, I do know that the winters are still warm! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Yeah it would make me feel like I were peeing in the woods (out of desperation). I nearly always manage to pee on myself a bit. (TMI) What a strange concept. You know how small children can squat happily all the way down, so their bottoms are only just off the ground? People in Asia who use squat toilets never lose that skill, unless they have a specific disability. And it's physiologically better to be squatting to go to the loo. It's just a question of what you grow up with. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 Oh my. It must be challenging for children and those who have a hard time squatting. "Duck walk" and "bunny hops" were part of PE in school. Pregnant ladies have no problems with the squat toilets in Thailand too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 You asked for it. :) http://whatmovesyou.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/p1040043-e1277387169715.jpg This is what a typical public toilet looks like. You basically stand on either side of the hole and squat all the way down to do your business. I encountered my first toilet hole in Leningrad, USSR in 1988. It was only a hole, though - no bowl to it. I was in the concert hall and it took me a couple minutes to figure out what to do. :D I wondered afterwards what women do when they are wearing their fancy concert gowns. (Probably they knew better than to use those bathrooms.) Modern toilets are a great blessing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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