We are leaving Malaysia

[Heather in Neverland]

We haven’t told anyone “officially†but I’m pretty sure our time in Malaysia is coming to an end. This will most likely be our 6^th and final year and we will move back to the U.S. in June.

 

I have so many mixed emotions right now and there is no one in my life I can talk to about this except my dh. I can’t talk to anyone here because they are going to freak out when they hear I am leaving and try to talk us into staying. I can’t talk about it with family/friends back home because they want us to move back desperately and therefore cannot give any unbiased feedback either.

 

So instead I’m coming here. J  I will warn you all in advance that I will probably talk too much about this but it is such a huge decision for our family and I need to process it and bounce it off people who don’t have a dog in this fight. So feel free to ignore my posts if it gets annoying but if you have any wisdom, advice, commiseration to offer, I’d love to hear it.

 

There is no one, BIG reason why we want to leave…more like a thousand small reasons. But honestly, they all fall under “I’m burned out on living cross-culturally and in a third-world country.†I need a break from it. So many amazing and difficult things have happened to us here and we have grown so much but we are all exhausted.

 

Some of my reasons seem borderline “pettyâ€â€¦ like I miss any form of customer service, and being able to go into a store and be reasonably assured that what I need is available, and American cars, and parking spots, and Target and Panera. I miss convenience, and things working properly, and stores being open most of the time, and public bathrooms that have something more than a hole in the ground, and hot water for my washing machine and for washing dishes… and so forth.

 

We also want to establish residency so we can get in-state tuition for our ds who starts college in 2016. We want to find a good tennis program for our youngest two who are both quite gifted in that area and ready to get serious about it (there is very little room for tennis on our tiny island).

 

I need my privacy back! This small, fish-bowl community I am a part of is starting to chafe. I am a private person and everyone knows my business here. I feel a bit suffocated.

 

I want to be able to drive somewhere and not fear for my life from the time I leave home until I return. I want to live where people follow traffic laws and are at least somewhat polite while driving instead of being truly fearful that I will be in an accident every time I go somewhere (my dh broke his neck in an accident here so the fear is real).

 

I want space. Living on an island means my whole life is in a 3 mile section of land. I don’t want to be completely surrounded by 40-story high-rise towers everywhere I go. I don’t want to wheeze from all the smog from the rice fields being burned.

 

I just need a break.

 

Someone tell me they understand and that I’m not making the worst decision of my life (although I have to admit that just writing this out and telling someone, anyone has made me feel a little better). 

 

[Aelwydd]

I understand your feelings. And it's ok to feel conflicted even though you need a break. It's ok, too, to grieve for what you are leaving, even while you know you have to get away. I hope you do continue to share your emotions with us, to process this whole change. I'm both happy for you and also a little sad that you guys are leaving Malaysia. Your time there has been such a fascinating peak into that culture. I've totally been living vicariously through your experience! :)

[Mimm]

Those don't sound like petty reasons. I will admit that I've read your posts over the years with envy for the wonderful and interesting experiences you've had but I always expected that some day you would move back home. If the time is right for that, then it just is. :-)

[milovany]

Wow, that's pretty big news, Heather.  I'm sure you will make the right decision for your family and agreeing with the above -- your reasons aren't petty.  While we were nowhere near six years, my husband and I spent the first 14 months of our marriage overseas in the capital of an impoverished nation and so I do understand some of what you're saying.  We lived near the airport and every morning we could hear the one-jet-a-day-to-the-USA take off.  I longed to be on it and eventually we were.  We're happily settled back in the USA raising our family. 

 

Best to you in the coming school year as you navigate these waters. 

[fairfarmhand]

I don't agree that your reasons are "little reasons." It's just as valid to move to Malaysia as it is to move back to the US? Ya know what? If many of the people on your island had the chance to go to the US and escape many of those problems, I bet they'd take it.

[Aiden]

Those are not petty reasons. It is so completely understandable and normal to need a break--no one who has lived outside their home culture, and especially no one who has gone from a highly developed country to a developing country, would ever think less of you for needing this change. My situation is about as different from yours as it could be and me still live outside the US--I've lived in developing countries, but in an insulated little pocket of expats with luxuries and privileges that most expats and almost all local citizens must do without, and with annual trips home, and I STILL felt at times like I was just done, over that, ready to go home for good already. I never acted on it, because my husband's career that has us overseas has us in countries for set (and relatively short--2 to 3 years) amounts of time, but honestly I'm not sure I could make it for 6 years in any one of the locations we've been in, even though I have come to love them all in their own way (and still desperately miss my first non-US country, even though I wouldn't move back there if given the opportunity due to their current political/social upheaval).

 

I have the utmost respect for you and your family for staying as long as you have.

 

If it is time to go home, then it is time to go home. It's that simple.

 

If it turns out that it's time to go home for a while but not forever--maybe a year for a break, then consider going back out; maybe until the kids are in college--that's fine too. This can be "going home forever," but it doesn't have to be. Do what's best for your family, and don't worry about what others say or want.

 

Feel free to vent and process things here. The whole repatriation process can be difficult--share it here or wherever you feel most comfortable.

[Mrs Mungo]

Living in another country, in other states, in other places is fun and great. But, there is no place like home. We lived in Germany five years. We didn't even experience much lack. In fact, bathrooms, roads and such were mostly better than in the US! But, there was still a lot we missed and we were ready to move back to the US when the time came. It will be okay. ((HUGS))

 

Be prepared for the shock of being constantly overstimulated and spoiled for choice!

[bettyandbob]

Not petty. You are meeting your family needs as they are now.

 

Good luck!

[displace]

It sounds like it will be the right decision for you and your family. Living in a developing country is no walk in the park but is a great experience for a lot of people. We did it once and will never again. I'd consider a developed country but at this stage in our lives I'm all about creature comforts and being close to family. GL with the planning and moving.

[Danestress]

I am sure this is a big decision for you!  Honestly, I think we sometimes make decisions like this, and only much later see what was really good and bad about the choices we made.  Your reasons may seem petty to you, but I bet there are deeper reasons behind some of your frustrations.

 

All I can say is that it probably is hard living in Malaysia, but I bet it's going to seem really really hard to come home. I hope you can find a community that will understand how important that experience was in your life.  It's going to be an adjustment for all of you and you are going to need to process your memories and experiences.  I know we talked about this when you were just going to visit home - about how hard it was that people didn't seem interested in your life in Malaysia.  My guess is that this will make it difficult when you move back to the States.  But you will get through it.

 

Are you going to settle in Michigan?  Or is that up in the air?  Might I make the case that in NC, we have great colleges and your children can play tennis year round outside? :)  Move here!!!

 

 

[kewb]

I don't think your reasons are petty. If you feel it is time to come home then you should come home.

[Heather in Neverland]

Are you going to settle in Michigan? Or is that up in the air? Might I make the case that in NC, we have great colleges and your children can play tennis year round outside? :) Move here!!!

We do not plan to move back to Michigan. We have changed in many ways while living here and one big way is that we all LOATHE cold weather. We love the weather here so we will move somewhere warm.

 

We are looking at Florida, Texas and NC. We lived in NC for a year near Asheville and we both loved it. Much will depend on jobs.

 

THIS IS SO SCARY. We will have to give our official notice by Christmas but I doubt either of us will be able to line up jobs back in the states that far in advance of our move so much of it will be walking by faith.

 

Our ideal is that I can get a job teaching online and go back to homeschooling the kids (which I really miss) in a warm-weather state where my kids can play tennis year-round. My dh has been a facilities director for large properties for ages so we think Florida might be a good idea (all those tourist places, condos, retirement homes, etc.). And my teaching certificate will transfer easily from Michigan to Florida and Florida Virtual schools is huge and always hiring. NC and Texas are a little tougher because they want me to retest for my certification but I could do it.

 

I need a break from being a principal, too. That's a whole other topic!

 

I knew it was time when we went home for a visit this summer. Two years ago we went back and we couldn't wait to get back to Malaysia. This summer none of us wanted to go back and we are all terribly homesick for the US.

 

But I don't know how I will live without all the fantastic food here. And my amah. God help me, I haven't cleaned a toilet in 5 years. :) Back to reality, I guess?

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug: I think you have thought it through, and you know what you need for your family.  Your reasons are not petty, as others have stated.  They are good, solid reasons.  It's time to move on.  The seasons change, and it takes wisdom and courage to respond to that change.  I'm sure this next year will feel both long and too fast.  

[Joules]

There is a season for all things and it sounds like yours overseas may be coming to an end. You may be entering the season of "kids in colleges." Moving back won't just set up residency, it will mean you won't be a whole ocean away when your kids are setting out on their young adult lives (assuming that they go to colleges in the US). I don't know what, but I bet there is another great adventure waiting for you back here, if you decide that one is at its end.

[Cammie]

You are going through what we are going through here in India.  We have been here 8 years.

 

I totally get the petty reasons - they can build up and build up until they just make it so difficult to be happy where you are.

 

Establishing residency for college is an almost DAILY discussion in my house.  I tend to feel that I have no control over where my kids might want to go to college so why would I relocate on the off chance that they end up going to school in the state we are living in.  My DH believes that if we are in a state with great state schools we will be able to encourage our children to go down that path.

 

Safety is also a big concern for us - the newspapers are so horrifying in Bangalore these days I just want to give up reading them.  Treatment of girls and women is also something that needs to be improved here.

 

I KNOW we will return to the US.  For us, it depends on the educational needs of our DD.  She is starting the IGCSE program this year  - so we need to stay for 9th and 10th.  After that she starts the IB program.  So that would lock us in for 11th and 12th.  So either we move in 2 years or we move in 4.  We absolutely want her to do college in the US or Canada or the UK.  I can't imagine we would stay in India if she was going to college in the US.  In 4 years DS would be entering 9th - so seems a good transition time for him as well.

 

I am the opposite of you, I guess, in that I am really terrified of what life will be when we go back!  I will have to go back to work as a lawyer (most likely) in order to afford the colleges and lifestyle in the US.  We will probably end up in a state I REALLY don't want to live in - and still be really far from my family.

 

When we know we have so many options and choices...the choices become so hard!  For me I know that if and when we decide to move back to the US we will never consider moving back to India.  And that is closing a pretty big chapter in our lives.  Almost all of my adult friends are here, my kids entire schooling has been here, most of their childhoods were lived here.  It will be a very difficult decision to leave.  I definitely did not feel so conflicted when we left the US on our big adventure.  Maybe because I knew that we could always return to the US if it didn't work out.

 

You are not alone!  And you guys will do great wherever you land!

 

 

 

 

We haven’t told anyone “officially†but I’m pretty sure our time in Malaysia is coming to an end. This will most likely be our 6^th and final year and we will move back to the U.S. in June.

 

I have so many mixed emotions right now and there is no one in my life I can talk to about this except my dh. I can’t talk to anyone here because they are going to freak out when they hear I am leaving and try to talk us into staying. I can’t talk about it with family/friends back home because they want us to move back desperately and therefore cannot give any unbiased feedback either.

 

So instead I’m coming here. J  I will warn you all in advance that I will probably talk too much about this but it is such a huge decision for our family and I need to process it and bounce it off people who don’t have a dog in this fight. So feel free to ignore my posts if it gets annoying but if you have any wisdom, advice, commiseration to offer, I’d love to hear it.

 

There is no one, BIG reason why we want to leave…more like a thousand small reasons. But honestly, they all fall under “I’m burned out on living cross-culturally and in a third-world country.†I need a break from it. So many amazing and difficult things have happened to us here and we have grown so much but we are all exhausted.

 

Some of my reasons seem borderline “pettyâ€â€¦ like I miss any form of customer service, and being able to go into a store and be reasonably assured that what I need is available, and American cars, and parking spots, and Target and Panera. I miss convenience, and things working properly, and stores being open most of the time, and public bathrooms that have something more than a hole in the ground, and hot water for my washing machine and for washing dishes… and so forth.

 

We also want to establish residency so we can get in-state tuition for our ds who starts college in 2016. We want to find a good tennis program for our youngest two who are both quite gifted in that area and ready to get serious about it (there is very little room for tennis on our tiny island).

 

I need my privacy back! This small, fish-bowl community I am a part of is starting to chafe. I am a private person and everyone knows my business here. I feel a bit suffocated.

 

I want to be able to drive somewhere and not fear for my life from the time I leave home until I return. I want to live where people follow traffic laws and are at least somewhat polite while driving instead of being truly fearful that I will be in an accident every time I go somewhere (my dh broke his neck in an accident here so the fear is real).

 

I want space. Living on an island means my whole life is in a 3 mile section of land. I don’t want to be completely surrounded by 40-story high-rise towers everywhere I go. I don’t want to wheeze from all the smog from the rice fields being burned.

 

I just need a break.

 

Someone tell me they understand and that I’m not making the worst decision of my life (although I have to admit that just writing this out and telling someone, anyone has made me feel a little better). 

 

[GinaPagnato]

Not petty. You are meeting your family needs as they are now.

 

Good luck!

 

This.

 

I think that as our kids' needs grow and change, as they exhibit certain abilities or weaknesses, we must respond. And sometimes that means we need to make BIG changes. We know families who have moved to different states or different countries so that their dc could pursue sports or music instruction at an elite level. It happens all the time. Now, I'm not saying you're moving for your kids to suddenly become tennis superstars, but the fact is that college and other pursuits may be easier to realize for them when they are in the US.

 

Things change, we grow, we develop, and we must look to the needs of our families as they evolve. I think it's perfectly reasonable.

Of course, as a Christian, I'm sure you and your dh are praying about it and seeking God's direction. Don't worry--if it's the right thing, He will show you.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[linders]

Heather,

 

Your reasons are far from petty! The stories and experiences you've shared with us sound so romantic and exciting and enriching - the crowds, the shopping challenges, the unreliable utilities, the cultural differences. It all sound like such a grand adventure - from the luxury of my quiet home office as I drink Starbucks coffee, listen to the washer (in all its hot water glory), and make up my Target shopping list.

 

The need to establish college residency is very practical and necessary. The desire to pursue tennis for the DC - perhaps not a need as much, but in the US, we almost take for granted that our children can pursue their passions, and yours should have the chance. The privacy issue - that need is overwhelming. I am certain I wouldn't last one month living without privacy.

 

You have been a blessing to the people there, so of course they will miss you and wish you to stay. They will have to make do with only having had you 6 years. Life will go on.

 

Make your plans, create those final memories, and say your good-byes. It sounds like it's time.

 

Best wishes!!

 

 

[Heather in Neverland]

When we know we have so many options and choices...the choices become so hard! For me I know that if and when we decide to move back to the US we will never consider moving back to India. And that is closing a pretty big chapter in our lives. Almost all of my adult friends are here, my kids entire schooling has been here, most of their childhoods were lived here. It will be a very difficult decision to leave. I definitely did not feel so conflicted when we left the US on our big adventure. Maybe because I knew that we could always return to the US if it didn't work out.

 

You are not alone! And you guys will do great wherever you land!

This is exactly how I feel right now. I know that when we leave Malaysia it will be for good. That is so sad to me. Leaving the US was not as a big a deal because we knew we would visit (and the school would pay for it) and eventually move back. We never thought Malaysia would be our forever home. But flying to Malaysia for a visit at $2000 per ticket is just not that feasible. So when we leave, that's it. :(

[Another Lynn]

Those are very legitimate reasons.  I can't imagine how torn you feel, but I've always admired your strength!  :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

I understand.

 

I am sure you are very aware of this, but the shock of moving to the US will be at least as big for your children, and perhaps even for you, as moving to Malaysia was.  It was really important to give my boys time to grieve when we moved to Scotland.  They missed China, and that was okay.  I made a photo album for each of them about their time in China, and they spent a lot of time leafing through them in the first months after we moved.  3rd Culture Kids (the book) has a lot to say about the transition.

 

We managed to organise a trip back to China about a year after we left.  I don't know if that will be possible for you, but it was really helpful for us: the boys realised that they had moved on, and so had their friends in China.  It was painful but good.

 

Best of luck

 

L

[Lanny]

Dear Heather: I read what you wrote in your post here, about your life in Malaysia. I suspect that you would be much happier, if you lived where we do, in Colombia!   The fact that it is your desire to move back to the states I hope will make it much easier for you and your family to adapt to the life in the USA, after you begin living there.  I believe you know that this is going to be tougher for you and your family than when you moved from the USA. However, you have very strong motivations for making the move to the USA and hopefully those things will be fulfilled. Take it one day at a time and try to do what you and your DH believe will make your family the happiest at this time in your lives. Much good luck with this move! I am sending you gentle hugs from Colombia!   Lanny

[PrincessMommy]

We haven’t told anyone “officially†but I’m pretty sure our time in Malaysia is coming to an end. This will most likely be our 6^th and final year and we will move back to the U.S. in June.

 

I have so many mixed emotions right now and there is no one in my life I can talk to about this except my dh. I can’t talk to anyone here because they are going to freak out when they hear I am leaving and try to talk us into staying. I can’t talk about it with family/friends back home because they want us to move back desperately and therefore cannot give any unbiased feedback either.

 

So instead I’m coming here. J  I will warn you all in advance that I will probably talk too much about this but it is such a huge decision for our family and I need to process it and bounce it off people who don’t have a dog in this fight. So feel free to ignore my posts if it gets annoying but if you have any wisdom, advice, commiseration to offer, I’d love to hear it.

 

There is no one, BIG reason why we want to leave…more like a thousand small reasons. But honestly, they all fall under “I’m burned out on living cross-culturally and in a third-world country.†I need a break from it. So many amazing and difficult things have happened to us here and we have grown so much but we are all exhausted.

 

Some of my reasons seem borderline “pettyâ€â€¦ like I miss any form of customer service, and being able to go into a store and be reasonably assured that what I need is available, and American cars, and parking spots, and Target and Panera. I miss convenience, and things working properly, and stores being open most of the time, and public bathrooms that have something more than a hole in the ground, and hot water for my washing machine and for washing dishes… and so forth.

 

We also want to establish residency so we can get in-state tuition for our ds who starts college in 2016. We want to find a good tennis program for our youngest two who are both quite gifted in that area and ready to get serious about it (there is very little room for tennis on our tiny island).

 

I need my privacy back! This small, fish-bowl community I am a part of is starting to chafe. I am a private person and everyone knows my business here. I feel a bit suffocated.

 

I want to be able to drive somewhere and not fear for my life from the time I leave home until I return. I want to live where people follow traffic laws and are at least somewhat polite while driving instead of being truly fearful that I will be in an accident every time I go somewhere (my dh broke his neck in an accident here so the fear is real).

 

I want space. Living on an island means my whole life is in a 3 mile section of land. I don’t want to be completely surrounded by 40-story high-rise towers everywhere I go. I don’t want to wheeze from all the smog from the rice fields being burned.

 

I just need a break.

 

Someone tell me they understand and that I’m not making the worst decision of my life (although I have to admit that just writing this out and telling someone, anyone has made me feel a little better). 

 

I think doing something for the benefit of your children is not petty.   As a private person, I think wanting more privacy is very important - esp. considering the circumstances of where you live.

[saw]

Everything you say makes sense to me. I can't go back to the US now but I have this lovely fantasy about a big house that would cost less than my flat here does, good public schools if you move to the right area (here it's a lottery), good healthcare (assuming I have insurance), big parking spaces and more space in general, one set of taxes to pay, etc etc.

I will echo what others have said about the effect of being a TCK. I was one, and when we moved back my parents completely ignored this issue. It was really difficult for me to fit in and nobody seemed to realize this or pay any attention. I went from being very happy at school to being completely miserable for years. If there had been recognition that I was in culture shock, I think I would have had a different experience.

Good luck with the job hunt and the move.

[Harriet Vane]

Aw Heather. :grouphug:

 

It felt similarly when we wrestled with the decision to move from the inner city. Of course it was nothing like leaving Malaysia in the sense that we could choose to move a few blocks away and still be close to the inner city, and we didn't have the visitation expense or distance issues. But for us it was a major, huge decision to stop living the life we were living and to leave what we thought would be our forever home.

 

I struggled with a lot of guilt for not being stronger about the difficulties of being there, and I felt I had failed dh in living the dream. We were supposed to rehab that home to be our forever home and provide stability to this struggling area for the rest of our lives. In light of that, fourteen years seemed like a drop in the bucket. We felt we were abandoning the neighborhood.

 

For us, there have been real difficulties in settling into middle class life, but there have also been real blessings. It is more expensive to live in a suburban neighborhood, but it's such a relief to know the garbage man will come like clockwork every week and will actually take the garbage. There's more "lawn pressure" here (to keep the yard looking presentable) but it's sooooooooo nice and quiet. We find ourselves relishing the conveniences and the niceties while still finding ourselves mourning the community we left.

 

One of our biggest difficulties has been the disconnect between how we perceive the world and how others do. Living as a white family in a crime-ridden AA neighborhood forever changed how we view American society. Our friendships there changed forever how we view just about everything.

 

Another difficulty has been that no one recognizes the difficulties of moving from one world to the another. In our case this has been because we lived in America the whole time. However, I know that ex-pats experience this as well. It is so disorienting to change your whole life, as you well know from your original move to Malaysia. No one recognizes that as a force in our life, and that has created a bit of a wall between us and others.

[Chris in VA]

Wish you could go back to being Heather in Va... :001_smile:

 

I know some nicer places in FL if you want to PM me. We've lived in TX and FL, and ds lives in Asheville--If I were going for a place that has wonderful colleges, I'd pick--well, VA, but seeing as that's not a choice, prob TX or NC.

 

I'll be holding you in my prayers.

 

 

[Snickerdoodle]

Let me tell you that if you move back, you will pine for a while for all those things that you loathe right now.   However, you *will* settle back into life here.    And think of it this way, moving from one part of the US to another can sometimes be a culture shock too as Harriet Vane has pointed out.  So not returning to your previous hometown will afford you a whole new experience.   

<<hugs>>

[Amira]

It's always hard to move from a place where your entire family has had so many amazing, wild, unforgettable, eye-opening, and life-changing experiences. Even though you feel ready to leave now, it might be really hard to actually pack up and leave next summer. But it sounds like it's the right thing, so that will help.

 

I'm very glad that you feel ready to leave though. I've moved to the US four different times and have never, ever felt ready to leave the country I was living in. I would have stayed much longer all four times if I could have (I think it will be easier to leave Mexico next year, but that's only because we'll have a definite plan of when we get to move to Saudi Arabia). It's a blessing to be able to choose when you go back and to have time to plan what you'll do when you return. I think that makes a big difference with returning to the US.

 

One thing I learned from watching one of my sisters-in-law who has lived in Singapore for nine years is to remember that her 10yo daughter doesn't consider the US to be home at all, and she doesn't feel like she's going "back" when they visit the US every year or two. Singapore is her home in a different way than it is for the rest of their family who remember living in the US and feel their Americanness differently than she does.

[East Coast Sue]

I think you've thought this through and come to the right decision.

- Fearing for your life every time you drive is not something I am comfortable with especially when you have a child at driving age- and I have lived in Asia and Africa so I've been in your shoes.

- Establishing residency is a real concern and I think you've got a great plan.

- Change is hard even when you've thought through your decision as well as you have.

 

Once you've moved and settled (and I know that is a difficult process), you'll be very glad that you spent the time there and then left. At least that's my opinion. I wish you well and welcome you to share your thoughts with us as you go through this year!

[Cinder]

:grouphug:  I saw your thread title and said, Wait, does she mean leaving leaving? As in forever? I have no advice, just want to pass along hugs for what I know is a tough decision for your family.

[J-rap]

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this, and I think your reasons are very solid.  I know of many missionary families who return to the U.S. when their children reach college age.  It's the beginning of a new stage no matter where you live.  It seems like more and more families are living internationally these days and then returning, so if you can connect with those families upon your return, I would think that would be a great support!

 

And of course you could always change your mind and move somewhere else for a few years if you get antsy.  I have a close friend who lived in Africa for several years, moved back to the States for a few more, and then decided to move to the Middle East when her youngest were about to start high school.  They all came back again when they were going to college.

[ElaineJ]

Part of living as an expat is that you know you will be moving to your passport country at some point, it is just a matter of when, and only your family will know when it is the right time. I've been told by those who have done it already to just go back "home" with the same perspective you had leaving for Malaysia: prepared to learn about a new place  and expectant of adventure. I know this is such a big decision! But it sounds like you know in your heart what you need to do next. Blessings on your last year and upcoming transition. Enjoy it to the full, grieve the losses, and welcome the future. :)

 

Elaine

[maize]

I understand. Living in a third world country, living in a country where you are a foreigner, can be an amazing, growing experience, but facing the same challenges day after day and year after year is draining. At some point you want a rest, and are maybe ready to trade one set of challenges for a new set. It doesn't mean you don't love and value the place you've been living and your experiences there, it just means you're ready to move on (but will also miss many things terribly when you do). Each place you live becomes a part of you and you leave a bit of yourself behind when you move away.

[G5052]

Moving back for college and the other issues you describe is very common in our circles.  

 

We have a good friend who recently retired from the military primarily for family reasons -- all of the moving was making it tough for the older ones to settle on their college plans, the wife was making comments that she was just plain worn out from it, and a family member has health issues that made it important to stick with a fixed set of specialists.  His military career was taking him higher and higher.  But they chose to settle down.

 

Other friends just moved back from overseas and retired from a government position because of the college issue.  They picked a state with good employment and college prospects in time to establish residency and get settled in.

 

Where you live and what you do is a complex, personal issue.  You have to work it out!

[Murphy101]

I don't think any of it sounds petty. It sounds like you miss home, are ready to move on to the next phase of motherhood with your older kids, and generally want more security in the next phase of your life. It sounds perfectly normal and reasonable to me except you need to move to make it happen. And thankfully you are in a position to do it.

 

Good luck in your return home!

 

So. What's the plans when you move back? Are you going to work in a school stateside? Does your dh have something lined up already? Oh my. Will you be bringing your dd's nanny? I would think this will be a huge adjustment for your little girl more than anyone else?

[Truscifi]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

None of those sound like petty reasons to me. It sounds like you have already made your decision. I hope the transition goes smoothly.

 

(And I vote for Florida!)

[Wildcat]

.

[Heather in Neverland]

Will you be bringing your dd's nanny? I would think this will be a huge adjustment for your little girl more than anyone else?

This part will be REALLY hard. She can't come with us because of visa issues and because this is her home. Her family is here. So will be leaving our nanny behind after 5.5 years of relationship and I haven't even begun to deal with how that will affect my little girl (and the rest of us!) :(

 

It will be very, very hard.

[Jen500]

Good luck Heather! Weren't you planning on only staying there a few years anyways?

[texasmama]

We haven’t told anyone “officially†but I’m pretty sure our time in Malaysia is coming to an end. This will most likely be our 6^th and final year and we will move back to the U.S. in June.

 

I have so many mixed emotions right now and there is no one in my life I can talk to about this except my dh. I can’t talk to anyone here because they are going to freak out when they hear I am leaving and try to talk us into staying. I can’t talk about it with family/friends back home because they want us to move back desperately and therefore cannot give any unbiased feedback either.

 

So instead I’m coming here. J  I will warn you all in advance that I will probably talk too much about this but it is such a huge decision for our family and I need to process it and bounce it off people who don’t have a dog in this fight. So feel free to ignore my posts if it gets annoying but if you have any wisdom, advice, commiseration to offer, I’d love to hear it.

 

There is no one, BIG reason why we want to leave…more like a thousand small reasons. But honestly, they all fall under “I’m burned out on living cross-culturally and in a third-world country.†I need a break from it. So many amazing and difficult things have happened to us here and we have grown so much but we are all exhausted.

 

Some of my reasons seem borderline “pettyâ€â€¦ like I miss any form of customer service, and being able to go into a store and be reasonably assured that what I need is available, and American cars, and parking spots, and Target and Panera. I miss convenience, and things working properly, and stores being open most of the time, and public bathrooms that have something more than a hole in the ground, and hot water for my washing machine and for washing dishes… and so forth.

 

We also want to establish residency so we can get in-state tuition for our ds who starts college in 2016. We want to find a good tennis program for our youngest two who are both quite gifted in that area and ready to get serious about it (there is very little room for tennis on our tiny island).

 

I need my privacy back! This small, fish-bowl community I am a part of is starting to chafe. I am a private person and everyone knows my business here. I feel a bit suffocated.

 

I want to be able to drive somewhere and not fear for my life from the time I leave home until I return. I want to live where people follow traffic laws and are at least somewhat polite while driving instead of being truly fearful that I will be in an accident every time I go somewhere (my dh broke his neck in an accident here so the fear is real).

 

I want space. Living on an island means my whole life is in a 3 mile section of land. I don’t want to be completely surrounded by 40-story high-rise towers everywhere I go. I don’t want to wheeze from all the smog from the rice fields being burned.

 

I just need a break.

 

Someone tell me they understand and that I’m not making the worst decision of my life (although I have to admit that just writing this out and telling someone, anyone has made me feel a little better). 

The two paragraphs I bolded are in no way "petty", IMO, and would be compelling reasons for me to return to the US. 

 

(((hugs))) and prayers for your decision.

[Heather in Neverland]

Good luck Heather! Weren't you planning on only staying there a few years anyways?

We originally signed on for two years but we really enjoyed it so we stayed longer. Maybe we stayed too long?

[Jen500]

We originally signed on for two years but we really enjoyed it so we stayed longer. Maybe we stayed too long?

Oh no, I don't think so. You stayed longer because you were enjoying it, which is a great reason for staying! But when you went you didn't plan on staying indefinitely….I'm assuming you knew you would return to the US sometime.

[Pam in CT]

:grouphug:  Oh, Heather.... I'm glad that you feel you can come here to express and process your thoughts and emotions as you go through this.  I know what you mean about certain transitions being too unusual / tricky / emotion-laden to be able really to talk about within IRL circles, even beloved friends and family... It's good to have a sounding board.

 

 

I have so greatly enjoyed your posts throughout your family's Great Adventure over the years!  Truly, you and your family have had, and have embraced, an amazing opportunity.  Transformational.   Some of how it has affected you -- positively and negatively -- you already know and have talked about... if you're like me and my family members, you'll see other effects emerging much more slowly, sometimes years later, in the most unexpected times and ways...

 

... and the factors that you and your family are weighing in the decision reflect your reality as you are experiencing it -- imo it isn't a matter of petty v. substantive, it's a matter of what season you're in as a family and what your priorities are within that season - no different than another family deciding on schooling options, or how long a parent's work commute is feasible, or whether the space/cost tradeoffs of a smaller house make sense, etc.

 

If it is time to go home, then it is time to go home. It's that simple.

 

 

And... from your original post, it sounds like you and your husband already agree that it is time.  

 

 

So there will be challenges and uncertainty associated with the transition, and grief for what you will have to leave behind, but... your family is clearly resourceful and resilient enough to flourish through this time.  

 

 

You've already gotten loads of great feedback;, and I know you are already thinking about this, but I would particularly echo Laura's and Amira's observations that your children, and particularly your daughter, will experience the transition very differently than you and your husband will-

I am sure you are very aware of this, but the shock of moving to the US will be at least as big for your children, and perhaps even for you, as moving to Malaysia was.  It was really important to give my boys time to grieve when we moved to Scotland.  They missed China, and that was okay.  I made a photo album for each of them about their time in China, and they spent a lot of time leafing through them in the first months after we moved.  3rd Culture Kids (the book) has a lot to say about the transition.

 

 

One thing I learned from watching one of my sisters-in-law who has lived in Singapore for nine years is to remember that her 10yo daughter doesn't consider the US to be home at all, and she doesn't feel like she's going "back" when they visit the US every year or two. Singapore is her home in a different way than it is for the rest of their family who remember living in the US and feel their Americanness differently than she does.

 

 

Also, you just never know what the next next season will bring... or how those transformational seeds will germinate further into the future... ten or fifteen years down the line you may find yourself looking at another Great Adventure that might be very different from this one...

 

 

If it turns out that it's time to go home for a while but not forever--maybe a year for a break, then consider going back out; maybe until the kids are in college--that's fine too. This can be "going home forever," but it doesn't have to be. Do what's best for your family, and don't worry about what others say or want.

 

 

And of course you could always change your mind and move somewhere else for a few years if you get antsy.  I have a close friend who lived in Africa for several years, moved back to the States for a few more, and then decided to move to the Middle East when her youngest were about to start high school.  They all came back again when they were going to college.

 

Good luck and ((hugs)) as you work through it all.

[QueenCat]

You need to what you need to do............ and it sounds like you know what that is. We'll all be ready for the "welcome back" party next June.

[flyingiguana]

Even if your reasons were petty, so what? You've done that experience for awhile and now you feel like it's time for another experience. That's all the reason you need. Just because something was a really great experience doesn't mean it has to become your entire life.

 

If it were me, though, I'd probably think about moving to California. The weather tends to be better than in Florida, particularly for playing tennis. Although I don't know what the school situation is like there anymore, in terms of getting a job. (Do you have to be in FL to be hired for the FL virtual school?)

[Ann.without.an.e]

My prayers and thoughts are with you.  This is a tough decision.  It will come with acceptance from some and judgement from others.  

I'm sure you've bathed these thoughts in prayer.  Just keep praying, seek guidance, and rest in whatever decision you make.  May you have wisdom and peace.  Some of your reasons are not petty.  Some are....but 1,000 petty things can really add up to a heavy load.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[AHASRADA]

Although we only lived in a developing country for 18 months, I definitely understand the small annoyances and frustrations adding up until they are no longer minor.  I also understand leaving but not being ready to leave for good.  The transition happens in stages.  When we came back to the US, I left a few things in storage overseas because, although we had no specific plans to return to live there, I just felt that we needed to leave some stuff "for the future".  Once back in North America, we did miss many aspects of our life over there, since the contrast is so stark.  but, with a little bit of time, we were able to see our stay overseas through more objective eyes, appreciating the good things, but also clearly seeing all the bad and the sentimentality of the idea of returning faded.  I now have no desire to move back (although we are fortunate to return for visits every 3 years or so).

 

I guess I just wanted, like all the others, to validate your feelings and to reassure you that, while it will be an adjustment, everyone will adjust, including your kids, and they will eventually be able to evaluate both cultures objectively, seeing the positive and negative aspects of both, which is much more than can be said of most people.

[Arcadia]

I want space. Living on an island means my whole life is in a 3 mile section of land. I don’t want to be completely surrounded by 40-story high-rise towers everywhere I go.

We are thinking of moving for the reverse reasons. I miss my skyscrapers :lol: I need to be in a much more densely populated area smack in downtown. I think it is the expat itch to move.

 

I'll check into residency requirements though. My local community college need two years of residency before I can get in state tuition when I applied many years ago.

 

Good luck and I totally get you on the cost of airfares.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think your reasons make perfect sense.  I'm so sorry that you will lose your nanny--that is quite a blow to you and to her.  Other than that, it's another season, the decision can be reversed down the road if you want, and you have good things to do for your family here in the states.

 

One thing I would add--consider California--we have decent weather year round, and some of the best public colleges in the world.  Also, tennis is big here, and mostly the heat is dry with no bugs.

[DawnM]

FL has virtual schools but at this time NC does not.  There has been a lot of talk of adding it, so keep looking, but right now the only online programs are for kids who have to be home for other reasons and they don't have a full time teacher dedicated to it who can do it from home.  

 

I am sorry to hear NC doesn't have full reciprocity with MI.  My credentials all transferred without a hitch, but they are all from CA.

 

Also, as far as I understand virtual schools, the pay for teachers is whatever the lowest/first year teacher pay will be.  A friend started working in FL as a virtual teacher after many years in the classroom and had to take a big pay cut.  For her, it was worth it, but just be aware that it is not classroom teacher pay.  Also, she has to be at her computer and available certain hours of the day, so she is limited in the activities she can do with her kids while trying to homeschool.

 

So, definitely do your homework, as I am sure you had planned to do anyway.

 

Dawn

 

 

 

 

Our ideal is that I can get a job teaching online and go back to homeschooling the kids (which I really miss) in a warm-weather state where my kids can play tennis year-round. My dh has been a facilities director for large properties for ages so we think Florida might be a good idea (all those tourist places, condos, retirement homes, etc.). And my teaching certificate will transfer easily from Michigan to Florida and Florida Virtual schools is huge and always hiring. NC and Texas are a little tougher because they want me to retest for my certification but I could do it.

 

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

Wow, Heather.  I don't have any advice other what was given.  :grouphug: :grouphug:  Feel free to share here as you go through your decision making process.  I remember when you were trying to decide about taking this job and have enjoyed living vicariously through you.