No gift parties

[k2bdeutmeyer]

When you receive an invitation to a child's birthday party that states "Your presence is your gift", do you honor the request?

 

My DD7 received an invitation like this for a birthday party tonight. My inclination is to bring a small gift anyway, and I know two other families who will be, but I don't want to be insulting (either way).

 

WWYD?

[alisoncooks]

We have good friends who always put this on their invites -- what we do is I sit down with my children and help them make a homemade birthday card for the birthday child.  That way we aren't empty-handed... but we still honor the request.

[Amy in NH]

DD recently got an invitation like that.  She brought a small gift that she had made because she wanted to - in her mind gifts are an important part of a birthday.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

DD recently got an invitation like that. She brought a small gift that she had made because she wanted to - in her mind gifts are an important part of a birthday.

Mine feels the same & wants to bring nail polish :/

[Aiden]

We recently had a no-gift party for my daughter. We wanted a no-gift party because we have more toys, books, etc., than we have space for already; we anticipated more gifts from family members; and we will be moving in less than a year--when we move, we will give away as much stuff as we can bear to part with, possibly a little more. The people to whom we will offer things first are the very people who attended my daughter's party, and I would hate for them to come to our "come and get it" open house and see their gift to my daughter sitting there, up for grabs. I also hate the idea of telling my daughter that she has to give away an even larger percentage of her stuff in order to get us down to an acceptable amount of stuff to move. (I'll be giving things away, too, as will my husband, but she'll feel it the most because of her young age.)

 

Most of those who attended my daughter's party respected our wishes, for which I was grateful. Some had expressed that they didn't feel right coming without a gift, so I compromised with them and told them that items with a natural end-of-life were a good choice--things like sticker books, coloring books, or other art supplies.

 

My favorite gifts that my daughter received at her party were a small bag of chocolate and a few homemade birthday cards. I also appreciated an activity book and a set of Minnie Mouse bubbles.

 

Unfortunately, she also received some other gifts. I shoehorned them into our available space, but when my daughter is choosing what to give away before our move, these other gifts just represent more difficult decisions she'll have to make about what to keep and what to give away. Because our position and the reasons for it were explained before the party, I really feel that these gifts were given more for the benefit of the givers than for the benefit of my daughter.

 

I used to feel bad for arriving at birthday parties empty-handed, but now I truly understand that sometimes it's more of a gift not to give one.

 

If you or your daughter feel uncomfortable attending a birthday party without a gift, I'd call up the other child's parents and try to figure out an appropriate compromise, or just come up with an appropriate solution yourself--if you know the child's favorite treat to which Mom and Dad don't object (or at least don't object for special occasions), a container of that makes a great gift.

[Kerileanne99]

This is always a sticky situation. I did this the first year my dd was born and people were NOT happy. They still felt they had to bring gifts because others might and they would be uncomfortable, or they wanted to do something just because.

I finally solved the problem by starting a book exchange. Dd''s bday is also just before Christmas so I hate getting a ton of presents for her then...especially when that is a hard time for many. So I ask that instead of a regular gift everyone bring a copy of their favorite book gift-wrapped. (under $20). We then do a book exchange, so everyone goes home with a book. Most parents even leave a gift receipt in the cover so it can be exchanged if necessary:)

 

If they have asked for no gifts, definitely honor it...but small homemade gifts or cards I think are a nice touch:)

[ocelotmom]

If my child really wanted to give a gift, I wouldn't prevent them, but I'd encourage giving it separately from the party so as not to make anyone feel awkward.

[LinRTX]

I think a good gift would be a homemade card with a gift card to an ice cream store. You then can bring a gift and it will definitely be used.  (Unless you know of an allergy, of course, then some other treat gift card would be good.)

[zoobie]

Yes. We do a homemade card. It's very common in my social circle, thankfully!

[Catwoman]

Bring the gift with you in the car and leave it there until you see what other guests are doing. If nobody else gives a gift, your dd can always give the gift to her friend privately after the party is over.

 

One thing we did once was slip a little gift into the family's mailbox and as we were leaving the party, ds told his friend to check his mailbox for a little surprise. An hour or so later, the boy called to thank my son for the gift, and his mom told me later that her ds had thought the mailbox thing was really fun.

 

I know that the USPS frowns on people sticking things into mailboxes, but in this case, the party was late in the day, so the mail carrier had already delivered the mail that day.

[Spryte]

I agree - homemade card and maybe a small homemade gift if it feels important to your child.

 

 

[msrift]

I wouldn't bring a gift. The times my children have chosen to have a 'friend' birthday party and not just a family one, they do so because they want to play with their friends. And have a cake with lots of hideously colored frosting. They honestly do not care one fig about gifts. 

f you just cannot bring yourself to go empty handed, bring a homemade birthday card.

[catz]

I would honor the request, but if my child made a card and maybe a little craft (which is something my dd would do anyway, like an origami bird, or a little charm of rainbow loom) I think that is fine. 

 

It may be uncomfortable if others bring gifts, but really it is those who ignored a request that should feel uncomfortable.  I've had some no gift parties.  My kids have like 7-8 relatives giving them big and bigger gifts for every birthday and we live in an older home.  There was always one old school mom who insisted on bringing a gift and making a big deal about it in front of everyone.  She was the one I was irritated with.   No gift parties are common here too. 

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Okay. We settled on 2 bottles of nail polish, and a little box of gummy treats taped to a card :)

 

Thanks everybody!

[TammyS]

We attended a birthday party where the mother kept saying "no gifts" and "only your presence is desired". It was her dd's 1st birthday and my daughter was distraught about not taking her a little something. So we did and left it in the car to give to her after the party. I am glad I brought it because half of the other people brought gifts as well. After cake she had her daughter open gifts. 😞 I have had other people tell me that the same thing has happened to them before as well. So, when these people say "no gifts" yet still open gifts after the cake....it is hard to know who is serious and who is not...

It may have been that she was serious, but felt like she had to do it for those who had brought gifts and would want to see them opened.

[Farrar]

Nail polish is sweet and small.  That seems perfect.

 

We've had no gift parties and we don't mind getting small gifts at all.  It's more that we want to emphasize that it's really not required.

[freesia]

Our own experience with a kid's party like this was that most of the children did bring gifts (except us) and then they had the birthday child open the gifts in front of everyone! I was shocked. I would assume that any gifts would have been opened after the party. I think it is confusing and difficult to navigate.

 

Now when my teen child's friends say no gift we just bring a card bc my now older child understands that the party was no gift and so no gift was expected and he is not embarrassed. But he sure was at that other party.

[Amy in NH]

More information on our recent experience: My dd made woven bookmarks on a loom - useful, right?  I quietly told the parent that dd had a gift, and they arranged for the girls to open the gift quietly in another room so as not to make an awkward situation for other guests.

[jaderbee]

When you receive an invitation to a child's birthday party that states "Your presence is your gift", do you honor the request?

 

My DD7 received an invitation like this for a birthday party tonight. My inclination is to bring a small gift anyway, and I know two other families who will be, but I don't want to be insulting (either way).

 

WWYD?

From someone who has sent out invitations similar to that, just bring a homemade card.

[Ellie]

When you receive an invitation to a child's birthday party that states "Your presence is your gift", do you honor the request?

 

My DD7 received an invitation like this for a birthday party tonight. My inclination is to bring a small gift anyway, and I know two other families who will be, but I don't want to be insulting (either way).

 

WWYD?

 

I would bring a gift anyway.

 

It is not polite to put "no gifts" on an invitation.

[Kimberly in IN]

We almost always state no gifts or ask for food donations for a food pantry for dc parties. 1. dc have quite a bit of stuff!  2. Economic times are still tough!!!! - we want the invitees to share in the bday fun, not a gift that may be a hardship or someone not to come b/c a gift just isn't in the family budget at that time. If our invitations state no gifts, dc do not open any gifts at the party. We have found that if we ask for food donations, it solves the whether or not to bring a gift dilemma. Sometimes kids come with a few bags of food each, which is great all around. The guest brought something, we don't have additional stuff & the food pantry receives needed donations. (I have been doing this for awhile now & have a big box by the front door for food, nobody notices what each guest brings.)

[NotSoObvious]

Wrong.  The birthday person gets to decide.  You are being rude by not honoring their wishes.  Why do you get to decide.  Honestly, mine have trouble thinking of something they really want anyway... Why waste money when so many other people in the world really NEED something... 

 

 

I tend to agree. We've done "no gift" parties before because I have twins. Do people bring two gifts? A more expensive gift? What if they are only friends with one twin? 

It's WAY too much stuff all at once, honestly. It's actually quite embarrassing. We invite 15 kids, they all bring two gifts...you get the idea.

 

I think a guest should always try to honor the request of the host.

 

It's always your choice not to attend the party.

[MistiDelaney]

In exasperation, we finally stopped having birthday parties after my son's second birthday because people insisted on bringing gifts no matter what the invitation said, what I said in conversation, or anything else. 

 

So, at my son's half birthday, he throws an "I Love My Friends" party where he gifts his friends with "mathom" and a wrapped book from his shelves.  Then, on a day near his birthday, he invited a friend or two to have an experience with him - mini-golf, laser tag, or something like that.

 

It neatly gets around the inflexible people who hear "birthday party" and insist on bringing a gift. 

 

The people who really know my son and love him well enough to remember his birthday and choose a gift for him are more than welcome to give him a gift, but the endless dollar store finds just to have something to bring were cluttering our house and taking the focus off the celebration and putting it on "stuff".  (The playgroup Mommy who brought a big electronic toy in brightly coloured paper, saying "You're going to hate this, but *he* is going to love it!" was just over the top rude.)

[Ellie]

Wrong.  The birthday person gets to decide.  You are being rude by not honoring their wishes.  Why do you get to decide.  Honestly, mine have trouble thinking of something they really want anyway... Why waste money when so many other people in the world really NEED something... 

 

You invite people to a birthday party. If they call and ask about gifts, you say, "Oh, gosh, we just want you to come!" If they bring gifts, you thank them profusely. If they don't, you thank them for coming. It's all good.

 

This has been addressed multiple times, and I prefer Judith Martin's take on it. If you want to know what it is, and why she says that, you're welcome to look her up: Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.

[nd293]

When you receive an invitation to a child's birthday party that states "Your presence is your gift", do you honor the request?

 

 

I have a friend whose rule is no gifts from the 8th birthday party onwards. They have 3 kids, and for them it's about limiting the stuff that comes in.

 

We made a 'cookies in a jar' gift, and dd made a little booklet of recipes as well. So yes, honour the request, but I think it's ok to bring a small consumable gift.

[Farrar]

I would bring a gift anyway.

 

It is not polite to put "no gifts" on an invitation.

 

I disagree that it's rude to put "no gifts" on an invitation.  It would be rude to refuse a gift or not thank profusely for the gift if one is given, but I don't know how it could possibly be rude to make such a request about one's own or one's own child's birthday.  Making a rule that you can have a party but can't determine how it works seems much ruder to me.

 

That said, when we've done this, I've put "No gifts required.  Please just bring yourself." or something along those lines, something to imply that it's a guideline, not a rule.  But no gift parties are really common in our circle.

[Myeightkiddies]

If I am close to the family, I give the child a gift.  I'll bring the gift to the house days before the party.  This is to not make anyone, including the guests who didn't bring anything, uncomfortable.  Since the family is close, I know the why behind the no gift.  Often it is to not inconvenience others or make them not want to attend because they cannot afford the gift.  If it is because the child has enough "things", I try to gift something that they could use - such as camping items if they have a camp coming up that summer.

 

If I am not close to the family, I typically bring a snack or treat with me.  It may be wrapped in away that they can put it aside for later that week (not necessarily a dish to be shared for the party).  If I know that they just don't want to inconvenience guests, I may drop something off to them (or give after Church) a week before the party.  I'll still try to make it something useful such a camp items, items to go along with their hobbies, or something aimed toward another interest.  I don't typically gift random toys.

[Ellie]

I disagree that it's rude to put "no gifts" on an invitation.  It would be rude to refuse a gift or not thank profusely for the gift if one is given, but I don't know how it could possibly be rude to make such a request about one's own or one's own child's birthday.  Making a rule that you can have a party but can't determine how it works seems much ruder to me.

 

That said, when we've done this, I've put "No gifts required.  Please just bring yourself." or something along those lines, something to imply that it's a guideline, not a rule.  But no gift parties are really common in our circle.

 

It is rude because you are assuming that the guests will bring gifts in the first place.

 

If you don't want gifts, don't call it a birthday party. :-)

[Farrar]

It is rude because you are assuming that the guests will bring gifts in the first place.

 

If you don't want gifts, don't call it a birthday party. :-)

 

But that's contradictory.  It's rude to assume people will bring gifts...  but if you don't want gifts, then don't have a party?

 

If I'm going to host and finance an event, I think it's crazy to say that making a simple request that doesn't require any money is somehow rude any more than if I was holding a party with limited space it would be rude to say that siblings couldn't attend (would it be rude to assume they might if that's the custom?) or that parents let me know about food allergies so I could prepare for that.  It's a request about an event I'm holding.  I get to ask questions and request certain behavior.  Of course, if people don't follow those requests, it *is* rude to refuse a gift or be nasty because someone brought an extra kid or dropped off when it wasn't a drop off party or whatever.  You let it go, you're gracious, it's a kid's party.

 

This is so common among my (very polite and considerate and not at all rude) circle of friends that I can only assume that a large part of this is generational too.  What is considered rude changes sometimes and this may be the case here.

[Desert Strawberry]

I think a good gift would be a homemade card with a gift card to an ice cream store. You then can bring a gift and it will definitely be used.  (Unless you know of an allergy, of course, then some other treat gift card would be good.)

Baskin Robbins offers one GF, dairy free, nonallergenic flavor each month. 

 

Just a heads up to those who are doing without :)

 

We do no gift parties. It's common among my friends. Large families and small houses necessitate fewer gifts. The grandparents still bring something, but usually there are no gifts and no goodie bags. 

A homemade gift or card from a child is always welcome, of course.

[Ellie]

But that's contradictory.  It's rude to assume people will bring gifts...  but if you don't want gifts, then don't have a party?

 

If I'm going to host and finance an event, I think it's crazy to say that making a simple request that doesn't require any money is somehow rude any more than if I was holding a party with limited space it would be rude to say that siblings couldn't attend (would it be rude to assume they might if that's the custom?) or that parents let me know about food allergies so I could prepare for that.  It's a request about an event I'm holding.  I get to ask questions and request certain behavior.  Of course, if people don't follow those requests, it *is* rude to refuse a gift or be nasty because someone brought an extra kid or dropped off when it wasn't a drop off party or whatever.  You let it go, you're gracious, it's a kid's party.

 

This is so common among my (very polite and considerate and not at all rude) circle of friends that I can only assume that a large part of this is generational too.  What is considered rude changes sometimes and this may be the case here.

 

I didn't say don't have a party. I said don't tell everyone that it's a *birthday* party. Just have a get-together.

 

I don't believe anything has changed in this situation.

 

Y'all can go read what Miss Manners says about it. :-)

[Cera]

I generally do honor it.  If we don't it is because my child has a particularly special relationship with the birthday child and wants to give a certain gift (usually homemade).  I try to make sure we give the gift separate from the party though so that the kids who did honor the no gift request don't feel bad.

 

When we throw birthday parties we always request no gifts but include a note that if they insist on bringing one we request donations to xxx charity (usually the humane society or the local homeless shelter).  It allows an out for people who really think they need to bring a gift that doesn't result in a bunch of stuff in my house.

[Joker]

My oldest dd had one this year and only one girl actually brought a gift. It was in a gift bag and we just ignored it. It made my dd very uncomfortable and I didn't understand why one out of 12 people decided to ignore the birthday girl's wishes. I really don't care what someone else says is the correct way to handle these things. I think it is rude to go against the host's wishes when they have been clearly stated. If you don't like it, then you should just decline the invitation.

[ocelotmom]

If someone showed up to a party with a gift where I specifically said "no gifts" I would have to wonder if they even read my invitation.

 

My suspicion would be that they either read it as "gifts aren't necessary and we welcome you for more than material gain" rather than a true request for no gifts, or they think the parents are fuddy-duddies ruining the kid's birthday fun.

[SeaConquest]

Miss Manners can stuff it. We live on a sailboat. Space is an issue. We generally have "no-gift" parties. On the invitations, I generally write, "The honor of your presence is the perfect gift." It isn't rude; it's completely normal and appropriate for both our lifestyle and in our social circle in Southern California. And we graciously accept any gifts that are given. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I don't think it's the fault of the parent who said "no gifts" if someone else disregards it and gives a gift anyway. What else can they do but open the gifts they specifically asked people not to bring?  I can't imagine anyone thinking it's acceptable to say "I asked you not to bring these gifts so I'm not opening them while you're here." although I think they should. What more can they do than tell you not to bring a gift in the first place?  Bringing the gift puts the parent in an awkward situation.  Of course it's OK to not bring a gift if the invitation specifically said so. I think it's rude to bring one when you were specifically asked not to. I don't think bringing one in case someone else disregards the request is somehow nicer. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I didn't say don't have a party. I said don't tell everyone that it's a *birthday* party. Just have a get-together.

 

I don't believe anything has changed in this situation.

 

Y'all can go read what Miss Manners says about it. :-)

 

Miss manners is not the voice of God. Who cares what Miss Manners has to say anyway?  I don't know anyone under the age of 60 who even recognizes her as an authority on anything. Birthday means we're celebrating because someone is a year older, it only means gift giving occasion if the host doesn't specify "no gifts." Bringing one in spite of being asked not to is rude.

[PrairieSong]

I didn't say don't have a party. I said don't tell everyone that it's a *birthday* party. Just have a get-together.

 

I don't believe anything has changed in this situation.

 

Y'all can go read what Miss Manners says about it. :-)

So you can have a party with no gifts, as long as you don't call it a birthday party? And when your guests show up and your kid has a cake with happy birthday on it, and ice cream and balloons and games, and they say, "Oh we didn't know this was a birthday party," you say, "It's not a birthday party. It's just a party, on his birthday."

 

I'm confused.

[Jasperstone]

My children were invited to a birthday party recently, and on the invite it said that the child was saving up for something, so a gold coin (AUD $1 & $2) would be appreciated etc...

 

I stuck a few on the birthday card, and still bought a small Friends Lego set, as I would have felt awkward going without it.

[Jasperstone]

It is rude because you are assuming that the guests will bring gifts in the first place.

 

If you don't want gifts, don't call it a birthday party. :-)

 

 

But isn't it an 'assumption' that's correct though? Who would go to a child's birthday party and not bring a present?

That's just a normal thing to do, don't you think?

[Heather in Neverland]

I think we might be getting a little worked up over something small and attributing motivations to people that are not really there.

 

Traditionally, kids' birthday parties included gifts (at least in my neck of the woods). No-gift parties are a fairly recent phenomena. Some people take longer to let go of a tradition than others. I know the first time I got a no-gift birthday party invite I panicked a little. What if I don't get a gift as requested but other people do because that's what they are used to? Then I will look stupid being the only one without a gift and so forth... I have actually bought a gift in the past for a no gift party and kept in the car "just in case" because I have been to several of these parties and people all still brought gifts. No one wants to look foolish. Changing traditions takes time for people to get used to.

 

And for the record, I like Miss Manners. :)

 

[NotSoObvious]

Miss Manners can stuff it. We live on a sailboat. Space is an issue. We generally have "no-gift" parties. On the invitations, I generally write, "The honor of your presence is the perfect gift." It isn't rude; it's completely normal and appropriate for both our lifestyle and in our social circle in Southern California. And we graciously accept any gifts that are given. 

 

 

This, exactly! It's not 1950 and we don't all live in matching little ramblers. 

 

Culture changes and our culture is becoming more diverse. I couldn't begin to name all the different types of parties, birthdays or not, that we've been to. You honor the culture of the host. If we are going to my LDS in-laws for dinner, I don't bring a bottle of wine. In *my* parents culture, it would be rude not to show up with a bottle of wine. In our homeschool culture, most parents come and stay at birthday parties. When my kids were in school, that was nearly unheard of. Drop and run! ;) 

[Amira]

This, exactly! It's not 1950 and we don't all live in matching little ramblers. 

 

Culture changes and our culture is becoming more diverse. I couldn't begin to name all the different types of parties, birthdays or not, that we've been to. You honor the culture of the host. If we are going to my LDS in-laws for dinner, I don't bring a bottle of wine. In *my* parents culture, it would be rude not to show up with a bottle of wine. In our homeschool culture, most parents come and stay at birthday parties. When my kids were in school, that was nearly unheard of. Drop and run! ;)

 

Yes! You honor the culture of the host.  I've spent the last year in Mexico figuring out the culture for children's birthday parties depending on their culture (both family and economic).  There aren't hard-and-fast rules. If there were a Mexican Miss Manners, I wouldn't even consider looking to her for advice, and I wouldn't direct a friend who'd recently moved to the US to read Miss Manners to know what to do in a certain situation.  I'd tell her to ask the host, or ask several of the hosts' friends what to do. It's easier to get away with that when you're an expat though.  I'm pretty sure we've usually brought the wrong sort of gift anyway. :)

 

And like Aiden and Seaconquest, I also don't want people to bring gifts to parties.  I'd much rather the focus be on having a great party where we build memories, rather than spending time, even a few minutes, opening gifts (and then figuring out what to do with them later when we move internationally again). 

[J-rap]

If someone specifically requests no gifts, I don't understand what the dilemma is.  You honor that request and don't bring one.  

[k2bdeutmeyer]

If someone specifically requests no gifts, I don't understand what the dilemma is. You honor that request and don't bring one.

I wish it was that simple.

 

Unfortunately, not everyone follows that and then you end up with kids in awkward or embarrassing situations.

 

I was very happy with how we ended up handling it, especially since I knew for sure at least 2 other families were bringing gifts. I felt like we found a way to generally honor the sentiment while still ensuring that my DD didn't feel awkward being the only one without a gift.

[skimomma]

I think it is very interesting how much opinion has changed on this subject in the last few years.  We are early-adopters of the no-gift party.  I am usually a stickler for etiquette rules but this is one I choose to break.  Etiquette takes a back seat to my ability to manage clutter and stuff in my living space.  Luckily, our requests to not bring gifts has always been respected.  And I always respect others' requests for the same.  If dd really feels compelled to bring something, a homemade card fits the bill.  In real life, I have never encountered anyone who has a problem with it but just five years ago this subject was ripe for full-blown chat room war.  I believe that the custom will continue to change and etiquette will eventually catch up.  Until then, I will be "rude" and request no gifts and honor others' "rudeness" happily.  

[k2bdeutmeyer]

But hypothetically, if 5 kids were invited and your daughter was the 4th to bring a gift (only because she heard 3 others were) then she would be contributing to the awkwardness of the fifth child. I'm kind of surprised the others even shared that they planned on bringing gifts.

Truthfully, there was no perfect solution. I'm happy with the decision we made and felt that it was a good compromise.

 

This was one of her gymnastics teammates. These girls are together 8hr/wk and I'm close with several of the parents. It didn't surprise me a bit that they would share their plans with me.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Miss manners is not the voice of God. Who cares what Miss Manners has to say anyway? 

 

I agree with this. 

 

I think we might be getting a little worked up over something small and attributing motivations to people that are not really there.

 

But I also agree with this. I don't really understand getting huffy over someone bringing a gift to a "no gifts" party, the same way I wouldn't understand getting huffy over someone not bringing a gift to regular party. It's a gift. The attendee cares enough about you or your child to want to give them a present. Accept graciously and tuck it away for later. Life is not so controllable. 

 

I hear some people saying that they feel put in a tough spot when attendees bring gifts to a "no gifts" party, but some people feel like they're put in a tough spot when invited to a "no gifts" party. We're all doing the best we can, and most people who bring gifts do so because they want the birthday child to have a happy day. Sheesh. 

[Ripley]

When you receive an invitation to a child's birthday party that states "Your presence is your gift", do you honor the request?

 

My DD7 received an invitation like this for a birthday party tonight. My inclination is to bring a small gift anyway, and I know two other families who will be, but I don't want to be insulting (either way).

 

WWYD?

 

 

I sort of honor the request. 

 

If I were to say "no gifts" I'd truly mean that I'd prefer no gifts. And yet when I'm invited to a "no gifts" party I still feel compelled to bring something. Go figure. LOL

 

So given that it's a party for a 7 year old (who probably would like a tangible acknowledgment even if her parents prefer guests not bring one) ... and given that you know others will bring a gift ... and given that you don't want to be insulting either way ... you have to show up with flexible options.

 

I'd bring a card and I'd stuff a $5-10 gift card in it - Sonic, Starbucks, etc. In my mind that's more of a token nod to the occasion than it is a gift. It doesn't scream GIFT when you show up, but you're also not sitting there empty-handed when gifts are opened. Of course that could just be how I justify it to myself!