momto10blessings Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 We are friends with a family with 3 boys that match up with 3 of our boys. They play great together and live a couple miles down the road (we live in the country and most the kids friends are 20-30 minutes away). A major problem I have with these boys is that they won't stop asking to spend the night. We run into them at the store and first thing out of the older two boy's mouths is "can we spend the night"? We had the oldest boy (10) over for 8 hours yesterday and he asked every time he saw me or my husband "can I spend the night"? I told him no, we didn't plan on that and we have to get up early for Mass in the morning, he lives right down the road and we're going to drop him off late and then my kids are going to bed. I finally asked him to please stop asking so he did but continued to ask my husband every 5 minutes and wouldn't stop talking about how he wished he could spend the night. Last night I arrived at their house to drop off the 10 year old and the 8 year old comes running out asking if he can spend the night... and then asks again and again. This happens every time we have either of the oldest kids over or if we are at the baseball field just playing with them. Quite honestly, it's exhausting and we won't be able to have them over any more if they don't stop asking. Even though we have 9 kids, it's easier and less stressful to have the kids over during the day. I'm really not sure why they want to spend the night so bad. Home life is good, their parents seem normal and loving. Anyway, what can I do to end this? I've told them time after time that they need to stop asking or they won't be able to come over and play. Their mom tells them to stop asking whenever they ask. My kids have started telling them not to ask me again or I would take them home! It's driving me nuts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Tell them that if they ask you a question that has already been answered more than once they are being disrespectful to you and that they will be sent home or not allowed over the house until they learn boundaries. A few hard lessons will teach them quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 <snip> Anyway, what can I do to end this? I've told them time after time that they need to stop asking or they won't be able to come over and play. Their mom tells them to stop asking whenever they ask. My kids have started telling them not to ask me again or I would take them home! It's driving me nuts! Yikes! That sounds horrible. But it also sounds as if there are a lot of meaningless threats going on, unless I'm misunderstanding. So, you've told them to stop asking of they won't be able to come over to play - do you go through with that? Your kids have told them you'll take them home if they ask again... do you do that? If you do, my apologies for misunderstanding. But if you don't... then they have no reason to stop. Hope you find a solution! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 My guess is they keep asking because sleeping over friends' houses is what kids at that age do and it always more fun then hanging out during the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Have you said really clearly that you don't ever allow sleepovers? In your response example above, you mentioned specific circumstances, which would imply that if it were a better time, that they might be able to, but from your post, it's clear that you don't ever want to do a sleepover. I would be sure you've made that clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarinesWife Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I have had this happen at various times (and we always say no). I just wonder if it's .... an achievement? Like .. "we're in all the way with the family - they let us spend the night" .. like they're desperate for it to happen because somewhere down the line they've decided this is what REAL friends do??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gil Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Can you immediately send them home each time they ask? Have you asked them why they want to spend the night? Do they have a large family also--it might be the novelty of so many kids to play with, or toys or food. Have they ever spent the night before? Do you even allow that sort of thing? In the big picture, it doesn't matter anyway, I was just curious. Tell them no each and every single time and say: "Now that you've broken that rule, you have to go home. I hope you'll come and play again tomorrow. Good luck next time with following the rules, I'll call your mom and let her know you are on the way." Can you sit the older 2 down and explain to them, in clear and explicit detail that that is bad manners and that you really think that they are good kids, but you do not like their bad habit/bad manners and its important to you that when they are visiting or see you, that they behave well and not make it hard on them. "Honey, we have 9 kids and having you spend the night would add a lot of responsibility and some hardship to our lives. We love having you, but children must be cared for and looked after and each and every time you say 'Can I spend the night' what you are really asking is 'Can I make your lives harder and add just a little more stress for 12+ hours, pretty please!?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I agree that you do need to make it clear that there will not be sleepovers, period. Unless you actually are open to them, in which case it would probably help to decide when they CAN happen. You might not intend to sound wishy-washy, but it probably does sound wishy-washy to little kids who think there's still a chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Yes I should be more consistent. When I tell them that they need to stop asking or they can't come over and play, it's usually at the baseball field when they are following me around asking over and over. They'll stop asking for that moment or maybe even day, but next time we see them it starts up again. Their parents work during the week and most Saturdays so when they are at our house their parents aren't home, so I can't tell them that if they ask again I will take them home and then follow through. It's not that we don't allow sleepovers, but they live so close that it's easier to just drop them off or have them picked up at night instead during the craziness of Sunday morning trying to get everyone showered, fed and dressed for mass. Honestly, the 8 year old won't be spending the night anytime soon because he's quite needy. I have 9 kids to care for and just can't spend time making him happy. The 10 year old is more mature and I wouldn't mind having him spend the night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 If it really bugs you that much tell them to stop asking and let them know if they continue you will send them home. Then, when they ask again send them home, reminding them that it is because they were pestering to spend the night. They will most likely only need to be sent home once or twice before they get the message and start respecting your request. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Hmm if I let the 10 year old spend the night then the 8 year old will think he can too. I don't want to put an age on it and say that he can spend the night when he's 10 because who knows if he'll still be needy at age 10. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 If it really bugs you that much tell them to stop asking and let them know if they continue you will send them home. Then, when they ask again send them home, reminding them that it is because they were pestering to spend the night. They will most likely only need to be sent home once or twice before they get the message and start respecting your request. Yes I agree I need to follow through. I always have them over when parents are at work though. I hate to invite them over when their parents are at home though since I figure parents want to spend time with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gil Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Have you tried cutting them off at the pass? Everytime you see them, immediately say: "Hi, so-and-so, NoYouCanNOTSpendtheNight, how are you doing?". I'm sorry, are you their care taker during the time that the parents are at work? Like prearranged and explicitly their care taker? If not, you can tell them to go home for breaking your rules. If the parents leave them unattended, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM! The kids are 10 and 8yo, they can certainly watch themselves for a few hours and if anything goes wrong, they should know how to contact a neighbor and emergency assistance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Have you tried cutting them off at the pass? Everytime you see them, immediately say: "Hi, so-and-so, NoYouCanNOTSpendtheNight, how are you doing?". I'm sorry, are you their care taker during the time that the parents are at work? Like prearranged and explicitly their care taker? If not, you can tell them to go home for breaking your rules. If the parents leave them unattended, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM! The kids are 10 and 8yo, they can certainly watch themselves for a few hours and if anything goes wrong, they should know how to contact a neighbor and emergency assistance. I like that. I will try that next time I see them. No I couldn't send them home without the parents there. Their house is a couple miles away and I'd have to load up all my kids and drive them home. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them alone without neighbors unless parents said to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Just keep saying no and ignore it. It's a minor annoyance nothing more. Kids that age always do want sleep overs. I hate sleep overs. I wish I had your patience. Hearing the same question over and over really grates on my nerves Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 If you never do sleepovers, it might be worth making that clear. If they do ask, say 'No', and I agree, if they keep hounding you, it's time for them to go home, with a clear understanding of why. We use the word 'bulldozing' to describe the technique of asking repeatedly to force someone to cave to your will. If the kids do it, I call them on it, and if they don't stop, they'd lose a privilege etc. It drives me crazy, and a few of the kids' friends use the technique regularly (not necessarily about sleepovers), although not to the extent you describe. I assume they're from families where 'No' is the start of a discussion rather than the end. We've been there, so I know what it looks like! Thankfully I caught onto that parenting mistake, and corrected it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyMountain Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I think that is pretty normal. I would say no and then tell them not to ask again if they keep doing it. It is an annoyance but it happens. I don't like sleepovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I guess, since the younger one is a definite NO for a sleepover and you don't seem to actually want sleepovers at this time anyway, as others have mentioned, the best thing might be to say flat out that you are not allowing sleepovers period. Tell them this is non-negotiable, it will not happen, please stop asking because you do not allow sleepovers. Right now they think it is a possibility and for some reason do not see themselves as pests. They are still hoping. Eliminate the hope. Sounds awful when I put it that way but it might work better than indicating not right now while implying that later is still a possibility. Hugs. Hope you can find a way to resolve this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Yes I agree I need to follow through. I always have them over when parents are at work though. I hate to invite them over when their parents are at home though since I figure parents want to spend time with them. But you did throw down the gauntlet when you told the children they could not come back if they asked about spending the night. You let them come back anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I would keep my car keys warm in my pocket. Next time they are over, first time someone asks, round them up and give the "we do not believe in sleepovers, do not ask again" speech. Ten minutes later when the question is repopped, pop them all into your vehicle and deliver them home. Don't be mad or mean, but be firm, and let them know you'd be happy to have them back another DAY, if they believe they can come without asking you that question. I would just let their mamma know that the enforcement day playdate will likely be a short one and that she might not want to plan a shopping trip or anything. Also, really do invite them back again soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1GirlTwinBoys Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I would make it clear next time that there will not be any sleepovers and if they ask one more time you will have to take them home. I would make good on that promise if they asked again. You can be kind but firm about it. After missing out on a day playing with your boys, they will take you serious and not keep asking next time. It's disrespectful for them to do that in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Yes I agree I need to follow through. I always have them over when parents are at work though. I hate to invite them over when their parents are at home though since I figure parents want to spend time with them. If taking them home, or not having them over in the first place, is not an option, you and your kids need to stop telling them it is. They know you are not going to go through with it. You are undermining yourself. Don't mean to sound harsh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 If having the 10yo over to spend the night is really ok with you, but you don't want to because of getting up for Mass on Sunday, could you do a Fri night instead? Of course, that won't stop the 8yo from asking, unless you say you don't allow sleepovers until kids are 10, or ask his MOM to reinforce that rule. Then you could pull the "No, your mom said no." You could let him hound her instead. LOL--the above advice is quite worthless, isn't it? I think, instead of taking them home immediately, I'd just refuse to have them over again for a while. Then they can badger you about that. ETA: Ah! I have it! Tell the mom you love her kids, but she needs to tell them you are not going to have them sleepover, and ask her to set a consequence re the asking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Lynn Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 It sounds like sleepovers are pretty rare at your house anyway. I would just tell them you don't do sleepovers. If they keep asking, I would gently, firmly explain that they are being disrepectful to you, that you have given an answer and that they are not to ask anymore. I would not threaten with taking them home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I'm sure it is hard to imagine, but how would you respond to your own kids doing something repetitive and annoying? If the boys are at your house, they should follow your rules and your responses. Perhaps they need to peel carrots with you in the kitchen, away from the fun while you two have a talk? Just an idea. Those boys would drive me batty. You could also try pushing it back. It sounds like the parents are with you. How about responding with "talk to your mother" and explain to the mom that it isn't going to happen as long as you feel badgered. With my own kids, I might explain that the relentless pushing is making it so that I can NEVER say yes because then it will never stop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Can you immediately send them home each time they ask? :iagree: Send them home like a broken record. "Oop. You broke the rule. Go on home now. See you next week (or tomorrow or whatever)." When you do it or talk to them about it at all, you need to be as bored looking and non-emotional as you can be. Don't let them smell fear or any waiver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 So, their parents aren't home on Saturdays and you're the de facto babysitter? Just trying to understand... In that case, since you can't make good on your threats to send them home, maybe change the play date to a Friday afternoon/evening. Then when the kids start asking and you warn them, you really can take them straight home as a consequence, since the parents will be there. Maybe this will set the stage for Saturday play dates, too. Another option is to tell them if they keep begging you will call their mom/dad and put them on the phone. Then they'll have to explain to their parents that they've been nagging, and hopefully mom/dad will enforce consequences when they get home. I totally get the fact that kids love sleepovers. We have kids spend the night here all the time. However, nobody begs me when I've said no (except my own kids, lol), so i find it odd that they keep it up. I would definitely put the responsibility on their parents to train their kids in this aspect, and impose some consequences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 When my dc started repeatedly asking the same question, I would reply, "I have already answered that question. I haven't changed my mind, and I am not going to. Please don't ask any more." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MFG Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Who watches them on Saturday if they are not visiting at your house? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Well, at this point, I certainly would not reward their effforts with a sleepover; I would just immediately send hem home, then remind them when they come over the next time that they will go home if they ask again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I would be preemptive. "----- I'm so glad you came (or are coming) to our house to play today. I want you to know we don't do sleepovers, so please don't ask about sleeping over. Do you understand?" And have the kid acknowledge it. And then repeat. "OK, just to make sure you understand - don't ask. Right?" And have him acknowledge it. Lighthearted. Easy. But clear. I'd also brief your kids. We have a pair of boys at church who ALWAYS want to arrange a play date with my kids (or son) after church. They badger. They won't listen to "no" It annoys me so much I finally made a NO play dates on Sunday rule for those kids and briefed my kids. "Tell your friends not to ask me again. I will always say no." They've been fine telling them "Stop, you're nagging and annoying my mom". It's gotten much much better. Be clear. Make them acknowledge it. And for the record, I HATE SLEEPOVERS WITH ALL THAT I AM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gil Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 If you can't send them home for whatever reason, then, I would send them to stand in a corner, if they HAVE to be at your house, then they HAVE to follow your rules, be respectful and ARE SUBJECT to your rules/punishments. Be firm and punish them right away for each infraction. Try it for a week and see whether or not their behavior improves. I'm guessing that it will. Friend: Hey, Mrs. momof9kids, can I sleepover?! You: No, you may not, we have already spoken about this, stop asking me that, you can not spend the night and if you have any respect for me then do not ask me that again." Friend: Aaw, please can I sleepover?" You: Okay, go to the corner right now and face the wall and do not speak at all until you here the timer. My suggested plan is that since they like to ask multiple times a day, then I think the first sentence is 5 min, the second 7 min and the third 10 min. If they ask after coming out the corner, send them back. If they go to the corner 3x within a day but still ask you the question which must not be asked, then have them go to the corner for 13 minutes and then, when they come out, go into a room alone where they have to sit and write: "I will not badger Mrs. Mom to get my way about having a sleepover. Badgering is disrespectful because it shows I do not listen to her when she speaks or respect her authority." X number of times. The 5th time that they ask the question which must not be asked, they should stand in the corner for 15 minutes and lose a privilege for an hour (video game, books, TV, toys, etc) whatever means something to them. The idea is to cut them off at the knees--they badger you or your husband with their request, you burry them in consequences. 8yo and 10yo is more than big enough to understand the word "no." Don't be angry, but be firm. They can follow your directions for their punishments or they can sit quietly in an empty room until their parents get off from work. If after a week, they are still asking more than 2 times a day then I would send a note home to mom with the kid. Yeah, just like you would get from a PS teacher. I would seal the note up so that the kids couldn't read it and give it to them and have them to deliver it to their parents. I would tell the kids: "I'll know if your mom has gotten the note because she's going to email/text me when she does." The anguish of having a "bad behavior" note from your house, least of all one that they have to give their folks could do wonders to scare them straight. Personally I wouldn't feel obligated to arrange with the parents about sending notes ahead of time, but you could do that if it would be more comfortable for your relationship. The letter could be something like... Dear Parents, I thought that you should know we have been working on obeying rules and showing good character here at MomOfNines Academy and little Tom and Dave have been having some trouble following rules. We have covered obedience, what it means and we have discussed the rules but it is not sticking for Tom or Dave even after working hard all week on it. Tom and Dave are good kids but they are struggling with showing respect by not badgering adults to get their way. They are using badgering and pestering to try and get their way. We have already talked about why this isn't acceptable behavior and are trying to emphasize that badgering someone multiple times is one way that you can be disrespectful to an adult and elder. We have been using consequences--time outs, loss of privileges and writing sentences to help them remember that badgering is NEVER okay, but it is not sinking in. Here are MomOfNineAcademy, we feel that Badgering is like a big kid tantrum and tantrums are not allowed here. Please go over these rules with Tom and Dave at home as well so that they get consistent reinforcement at home and here. Despite this issue, we truly love having Tom and Dave during the day. They are well mannered boys and easy to get along with. They are good friends to the student body here and their presence is especially welcomed by Son 1, Son 2, and Son 3--Toms kindness is infectious and his sense of humor and willingness to help makes him a wonderful boy to have around. Dave is a natural leader and shows great concern for others well being. Both are wonderful friends and have strong values. We look forward to having them back. MomOfNineKids, Asst. Principal of MomOfNineKids Homeschool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gil Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 ETA: It wasn't helpful to the OP or the thread topic so I removed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Yes I should be more consistent. When I tell them that they need to stop asking or they can't come over and play, it's usually at the baseball field when they are following me around asking over and over. They'll stop asking for that moment or maybe even day, but next time we see them it starts up again. Their parents work during the week and most Saturdays so when they are at our house their parents aren't home, so I can't tell them that if they ask again I will take them home and then follow through. Ok, so next time they ask at the baseball field, tell them not to come over for the rest of that week, because you don't like being asked. Are you watching them while their parents are gone? If not, I see no reason you can't send them home. If their parents are ok with leaving them, that's all you need to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I'd also brief your kids. We have a pair of boys at church who ALWAYS want to arrange a play date with my kids (or son) after church. They badger. They won't listen to "no" It annoys me so much I finally made a NO play dates on Sunday rule for those kids and briefed my kids. "Tell your friends not to ask me again. I will always say no." They've been fine telling them "Stop, you're nagging and annoying my mom". It's gotten much much better. All of my son's friends know that my rule is you may ask ONCE. Any repeats are an automatic NO, even if I was just about to say yes. I refuse to be hounded by kids, mine or others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I am seriously trying to imagine my friend or neighbor bringing my kids home and hearing that they were annoying (UM DUH?) as the reason. I cant swing it. Its not a socially acceptable option to invite kids over then when they do something terribly minor like this to bring them right back. Any socially adept person would know this so I am left with the perception that this is internet posturing at its very worst. I think it's socially unacceptable to expect other people to put up with your kids being annoying. There is no reason that children should be annoying. Teach them to behave. Teach them that Mrs. S0-and-so doesn't want to be asked about sleep overs and we are RUDE if we ask her, so we won't. If it were my child who was brought back because he asked about what he was ALREADY TOLD not to ask about, I would tell him that he needs to apologize to Mrs. So-and-so and there would consequences as well. I find it beyond belief that you seriously think it's ok for your kids to be annoying to people and to harass them about what they've already been answered on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 you stand my kids in the corner once you'd be rid of them. that i would certainly solve any problems between us since we'd have no more interactions. You dont punish other people's kids. and certainly not for getting on your nerves- which is a personal problem, nothing more. Shore up your nerves. I can't imagine the OP, mom of 9, would have such delicate nerves that she would be unable to handle an annoyance like this. I am just having a really hard time believing that you think it's ok for children to harrass people in order to get what they want? Do you seriously think we need a society in which people get what they want by badgering people? That we are raising a bunch of jerks (to put it mildly)? Raising boys not to be able to take NO for an answer? No should have to shore up their nerves because others refuse to raise their kids to behave decently. No means no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Its bad enough using punitive word gamesmanship with your own kids but trying it on the neighbor kids is really rotten. apologize for threatening, do not follow thru with the mean spirited threat. And either make a funny joke out of it the minute they arrive "Hey guess what? NO SLEEP OVER AGAIN TONIGHT! Can you believe what a MEAN MOM I am?" or like with all the other annoying things kids do and say just ignore it. I am seriously trying to imagine my friend or neighbor bringing my kids home and hearing that they were annoying (UM DUH?) as the reason. I cant swing it. Its not a socially acceptable option to invite kids over then when they do something terribly minor like this to bring them right back. Any socially adept person would know this so I am left with the perception that this is internet posturing at its very worst. Did you read the part where OP says the kids ask every 5 minutes, over and over and over again. She says no, they ask her dh. That's not just annoying, that's also rude. Their own mother has told them to stop asking and they don't listen. I have tons of kids over here all the time, but if there were one or two who kept doing that, I would get irritated, too. And, if you think "disciplining" the friends is over the top and would be cause to end the friendship, then I just may breathe a sigh of relief! Of course, you could just say I'm socially inept, but you'd be very wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 It sounds like you simply need some distance from these children for a while. Sounds like they are basically good kids, but the little annoyances are getting irritating. Is there some reason why you have them for so long and so often other than they are close and convenient? I'd graciously avoid any play dates for a few weeks, and visit with the families farther away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 you stand my kids in the corner once you'd be rid of them. that i would certainly solve any problems between us since we'd have no more interactions. You dont punish other people's kids. and certainly not for getting on your nerves- which is a personal problem, nothing more. Shore up your nerves. I can't imagine the OP, mom of 9, would have such delicate nerves that she would be unable to handle an annoyance like this. Children who are regular visitors to my home would be subject to some kind of discipline or correction. It is *my* home, and I will feel free to tell them not to run through the house, or put their feet on the furniture, or to flush the toilet and wash their hands, or put their dirty cups in the dishwasher when they are finished. If they are miscreants, then I might require them to have a time out on the sofa. And if they're miscreants and their parents object to their being corrected and decide not to let them come over again, then it's all good. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexigail Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I don't think you've been clear about what you want from them. Kids need clear boundaries and they haven't been set in this situation. If it were me, the next time they're at your house, I'd sit them down first thing and say tell them exactly what they need to do. Tell them that it's not possible for them to sleep over at all. You're not going to let them. Then say that they are no longer allowed to ask anyone -you or your husband - if they can stay the night. Ask them to help you out with this. Challenge them to go a day without asking. Tell them up front that if they keep asking you will not invite them over for a few days. After that, if they do ask (which they probably will because they'll want to know if you're serious or not), tell them that you've talked about it and you're not going to answer that question. If they ask again, ignore it. Let them know at the end of the day that they'll be taking a 3 day (or whatever) break and then they can try again. They sound like nice kids and I really think that this will go away quickly if you're consistent about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 OP, it sounds to me like the you've allowed yourself to be guilted into taking care of these boys so their parents can work. What would the parents do for child care if you were out of town? I would suggest you have a chat with your friend and explain to her that a sleepover is not going to happen and ask her to teach her kids to understand that so they stop asking. Explain to her matter of factly that if they do not stop asking you then you will not allow them to come over. If that means she has to find another source of child care, then that's her responsibility and problem, not yours. Honestly, a child like that wouldn't be repeatedly invited back to my home. And when my friend's son does something annoying or disrepectful, you can bet that she hears about it that same day. She takes care of it on her end and does likewise when it's my DS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Who watches them on Saturday if they are not visiting at your house? They go to different houses- grandparents, aunts, friends, sometimes they go to work with mom. They only come over about one Saturday a month Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Do you allow your kids to go to sleepovers? Tell the annoying kid that he can have a sleep over at his own house if his parents say it's OK. Or tell the mom " I told Tommy he can't play here if he keeps asking for a sleepover. Who should I call to pick him up when he asks?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I think there is a struggle here with the realities of child development versus the Utopian society. Not. I have kids. I know lots of other people's kids. None of us would accept this behavior from our children. My children and my children's friends have had zero difficulty in learning not to harass me to get what they want. It is NOT a reality of child development that they cannot learn to take no for an answer. Especially at the age of these children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 So... quit inviting these pathological little horrors (I exaggerate, much like others in this thread must be doing, for effect) into the house? I mean, this is all getting blown way out of proportion. Its a question, not an assault. And these children do not have to be included every week unless OP wants them there. This isn't a job, its a playdate. Actually, after you have been told to stop asking it IS an assault. If it were a guy at work who wouldn't take no to a request for a date, you'd call it sexual harassment. This is parental harassment. Not acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I think there is a struggle here with the realities of child development versus the Utopian society. I am fairly familiar with child development. Developmentally expected is not synonymous with "apply no discipline." An 8 and 10 year old are fully capable of understanding "Do not ask again" and being compliant. The behavior as described is excessive. It is "beyond" age expected. OP, when you use your firm response, don't add reasons. Reasons for your decision (ie: have to go go mass.....) offer debateable information and in some minds = up for negotiation. It's the reason you don't tell a 3 year old "don't jump on the couch because you might hurt yourself." The 3 yo inevitably says "No, I won't!" You simply remove the 3 year old an say "No." The same thing here: "No, there will not be any sleepovers, period. You need to stop asking. If you ask again, your play time with us ends for the day." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Oh good, I thought they had to come over every.single.Saturday. No, we have them over maybe 3-4x/month but it's gotten to the point that I kind of dread having them over, just because they ask so much. I don't allow my own kids to be so persistent or ask the same thing over and over. I've never encountered this from friends of my 14 and 12 year olds. If I say no to them, they don't ask again. I'd really like for them to keep coming over. They get along really well with my boys and are overall good kids. I think my plan of action will be to say no to spending the night the first time they ask. The second time I will tell them "I already told you no and if you ask again then you will not be allowed to come to our house for 2 weeks." Then I follow through. If this still happens on a second visit, I will lengthen it to 3 weeks and so on. I will make sure explain the house rules and make sure they know that there will be consequences. Sending them home is really not an option and I'd really like to keep having them over to play. Thanks for helping me think this through. I'm really not a mean cranky old lady. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SwallowTail Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Right, I was thinking along the lines Joann said. Keep it simple, straight forward, and firm. "There will be no sleepovers. You may not ask again. if you ask me or dh again, you will be leaving and not returning for "x" amount of time." End of story. I have an annoying kid who visits my house, and even though I think she is perhaps not super intelligent and is definitely very spoiled, she is gradually learning that when I mean business, I mean it. I would *never* punish nor shame a child though, mine nor anyone else's. Time outs and corner standing wouldn't be happening, but my boundary would be enforced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirth Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I am just curious if these kids are this annoying and persistent about anything else? (I just wonder if the next campaign will be something like asking if you can take them fishing every five minutes?) I don't know how many children total the neighbor has, but I would feel really guilty about asking a mother of 9 take care of my two for really any amount of time -- nevermind for hours on end. I would probably be mortified that they dared ask for anything. When I was little and you went over to anyone's house, you did not ask for things. If you were nice, ~maybe~ some snacks and things arrived (without refills or in bottomless bowl type situations) if their mom was not busy. To ask twice or more for anything would probably result in the earth cracking open once your mother heard about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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