Those mood intensities magnified in teens…How do I keep from burying this child in the backyard??

[Erin]

As we all know, gifted kids have very intense feelings.  Buck is no different.  He's always felt very deeply, worried about things that shouldn't even faze him, got furious at the drop of a hat, etc.  

When he was little, the getting mad thing was easy to take care of.  We removed him from the situation and sent him to his room until he decided he was ready to be in the company of civilized people again.  No judgements, just that this behavior isn't tolerated in this situation.  Come back when you're ready.  If needed, we picked him up and physically removed him.  

 

Now that he's a teen, that has gotten extremely difficult.  It doesn't happen often.  I mean, he's 14 and has a much better handle on himself than he did at 5.  But when it does, what on earth do I do with him???  He's taller than I am.  I can't physically remove him to anywhere…  But he can't stand there screaming names and anger at his sister or I, either.

 

Suggestions?  

[Miss Mousie]

Can you and sister remove yourselves?  I mean going to your own rooms, going outside, whatever.  If he won't leave to cool down, maybe the absence of an audience will do it.

 

I have not been in this situation, though, so take the suggestion lightly.  :)

 

 

[SWinner]

First step if you don't want to bury him in the back yard is dig the hole in the front yard.

 

ahem, seriously now, the hole might be just as much for you to find your quiet place. My situation has been extreme at times, so I'll give you some basic wisdom.

 

Family counseling: especially helped to understand that we are normal parents with normal expectations. Helped me to know I'm doing the right things plus added some good tools.

 

Remain as calm as is inhumanly possible.

 

Keep an escape hatch open. It helps if your son can see a safe way out.

 

Be accessable. For me, the key has been open communication and availability. I am the safety person, base, trusted with whatever, I do not judge (at least outloud). We worked this out with the counselor & it really helps. Talk

 

Time is your friend. Sometimes we just sit & don't say anything. Usually, the gates open, a crack at first, and all sorts of goo comes out. You wouldn't believe what sort of stew is brewing inside their heads.

 

Be consistant with your message, whatever that message is. The first one (from toddler) was "I can't hear you when you scream at me." Still using it. Another is "it's okay to disagree" and "you can disagree without arguing."

 

Give him some tools to help manage his emotions. These will vary depending on your kid: run, walk, dig, bang, count, recite, etc. For ideas, get some books, move on to counseling if necessary. For some reason, they absorbe more info when it comes from someone other than a parent but make sure everhyone on board with the steps. This will help in the talking phase and with consistency.

 

I read a ton & learned a lot.

 

Most important, stay as calm as is inhumanly possible.

[TranquilMind]

 

First step if you don't want to bury him in the back yard is dig the hole in the front yard.

 

ahem, seriously now, the hole might be just as much for you to find your quiet place. My situation has been extreme at times, so I'll give you some basic wisdom.

 

Family counseling: especially helped to understand that we are normal parents with normal expectations. Helped me to know I'm doing the right things plus added some good tools.

 

Remain as calm as is inhumanly possible.

 

Keep an escape hatch open. It helps if your son can see a safe way out.

 

Be accessable. For me, the key has been open communication and availability. I am the safety person, base, trusted with whatever, I do not judge (at least outloud). We worked this out with the counselor & it really helps. Talk

 

Time is your friend. Sometimes we just sit & don't say anything. Usually, the gates open, a crack at first, and all sorts of goo comes out. You wouldn't believe what sort of stew is brewing inside their heads.

 

Be consistant with your message, whatever that message is. The first one (from toddler) was "I can't hear you when you scream at me." Still using it. Another is "it's okay to disagree" and "you can disagree without arguing."

 

Give him some tools to help manage his emotions. These will vary depending on your kid: run, walk, dig, bang, count, recite, etc. For ideas, get some books, move on to counseling if necessary. For some reason, they absorbe more info when it comes from someone other than a parent but make sure everhyone on board with the steps. This will help in the talking phase and with consistency.

 

I read a ton & learned a lot.

 

Most important, stay as calm as is inhumanly possible.

 

 

Good advice. Almost impossible to do, but good advice. I'm plotting my disappearance on a regular basis.

[lewelma]

The book, The Explosive Child, is excellent. It saved my bacon with my older. Well worth your time.

 

Ruth in NZ

[Luckymama]

Youngest is not explosive, but her sister sure was :rolleyes: I perfected the art of the calmly repeated message, followed by walking away. Eventually the tide turned------and we can laugh about those days now (she's 19).

 

I went on a LOT of after-dinner walks those few years.

[8filltheheart]

Not all gifted kids are emotionally intense. My 2 most gifted kids are happy go lucky kinds of kids. Their older brother, otoh, intense is too mild of a descriptor.

 

I strongly recommend counseling. With our ds, It was a very bad situation. It still can be. When he is in meltdown mode, he is irrational. I refuse to engage. Engaging, no matter how calmly, causes him to escalate. I will lock myself in my room, load the other kids in the car and leave, go outside and start walking down the road. But I will not acknowledge him until he is behaving rationally. One thing that does not work is expecting him to go somewhere until he cools down bc he will not stop and walk away. He is relentless.

[Erin]

Thanks for all the suggestions, guys!

(Why have I never considered removing ME?? lol)

[mliss]

I used to tell the kids, "Mommy is feeling angry so I'm putting myself in time out."  I would go into my room, lock the door, go into the walk-in closet, shut that door and sit in the dark until I felt like I could handle the situation again.  Much better than losing control.

 

And maybe a not helpful suggestion, but has your son tried supplementation?  I'm only throwing that out because high dose omega-3 supplementation worked magic on my son.  I'm serious about the magic.  Within a week of starting omega-3s my DS went from intense, hours long melt-downs to almost total emotional stability.  

[Woodland Mist Academy]

Not all gifted kids are emotionally intense. My 2 most gifted kids are happy go lucky kinds of kids. Their older brother, otoh, intense is too mild of a descriptor.

 

I strongly recommend counseling. With our ds, It was a very bad situation. It still can be. When he is in meltdown mode, he is irrational. I refuse to engage. Engaging, no matter how calmly, causes him to escalate. I will lock myself in my room, load the other kids in the car and leave, go outside and start walking down the road. But I will not acknowledge him until he is behaving rationally. One thing that does not work is expecting him to go somewhere until he cools down bc he will not stop and walk away. He is relentless.

 

This post is so good it bears repeating. OP, it may not pertain to you, but it might help someone else.

 

Being gifted does not always equal being emotionally intense.

 

Being emotionally intense and gifted does not mean there is not something more concerning going on--something that might need the help of professionals. I would advise caution when linking behaviors to giftedness.

[Gratia271]

Not all gifted kids are emotionally intense. My 2 most gifted kids are happy go lucky kinds of kids. Their older brother, otoh, intense is too mild of a descriptor.

 

I strongly recommend counseling. With our ds, It was a very bad situation. It still can be. When he is in meltdown mode, he is irrational. I refuse to engage. Engaging, no matter how calmly, causes him to escalate. I will lock myself in my room, load the other kids in the car and leave, go outside and start walking down the road. But I will not acknowledge him until he is behaving rationally. One thing that does not work is expecting him to go somewhere until he cools down bc he will not stop and walk away. He is relentless.

 

:iagree:  

I grew up with an emotionally intense "over-the-top" gifted brother. We have always been very close, but it is quite the roller coaster ride living with them in the teen years.  Talking through things as a family did.not.work.  Counseling helped some.  Sometimes, my mom and I would leave because it devolved into lose-lose shouting matches with my dad; and, to be honest, it was so emotionally distressing to me   watching two people I loved tremendously going at each other like that. Being an HSP only magnified the problems I had in dealing with it.  

 

One thing that did seem to have a positive effect was keeping him physically active in lots of sports.  Otherwise, walking away was all that we could do most of the time.  Just a sibling's perspective, for what it's worth.