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Grown sibling woes Update my brother unhinged


Scarlett
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Update in post 299

 

Update in post 69

 

My brother has always been....churning. Never happy. Never settled. His perspective of our childhood is as if we were raised by two different mothers. We weren't. We were raised by the same mom and we are only 4 1/2 years apart....I am older.

 

He wants to blame his childhood for all of his troubles. He has memories that I am 100% sure did not happen. Things like saying mom sent him to school with filthy clothes....My mom was very very clean. My earliest memory of her was her in a freezing detached garage washing my brothers cloth diapers in a old wringer washing machine. Her hands would be so cold they were numb. I remember her running back to the house with her icy hands tucked up under her armpits.

 

Anyway, I asked several of our childhood friends who are my friends age....is there any truth to this? The laughed. No they said, he was never sent to school in dirty clothes. Ever.

 

Other similar things...like mom locked him out of the house if he wasn't in from playing by dark. This was when he was about 8. First my mom never locked the door during that time in our life. But second No! She didn't lock him out.

 

Now the latest is he is obsessing about our religion. He is sure that is the cause of all our troubles.

 

He is exhausting me. I just am tired of listening to him dog our entire childhood and our mom. I know she made mistakes...I know she isn't perfect...but she is a GOOD woman who devoted herself to raising us on her own because our dad was a loser.

 

Oh and the big thing he keeps harping on right now is that he was raised to believe God hates him. I have no words to even explain how insane this sounds to ME...his SISTER who raised right along side him. At no time in my entire life was I ever told that God hates me. Ever. I will assume his feelings are real and that he isn't making them up...but HOW did he get that from the childhood we had?

 

How do two people come from the same home with such wildly different versions?

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I am so sorry.

 

I have NO idea how this happens, but my dh has had the same experience with his sister. You would have thought they were raised in two completely different families! And it's not a case of her being a scapegoat and he the golden child. If anything, she got more of what she wanted in a home with very little money but a lot of love. It baffles me to this day.

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Dh is one of 7.  He is next to oldest...his older sister by 3 years is like this for their family.  She just has a totally different view of how things went in that family.  I have to say that with my SIL and with my own brother both have a history of drug use combined with mental issues.  (my brother is diagnosed BP--not sure about my SIL but she certainly acts like she could be BP).

 

I had a psychiatrist tell me one time that drugs mess with our memory banks.  That is the explanation I usually go with...but it is disturbing to have my childhood trashed by my sibling.

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I decided not to listen to negativity. I leave if the conversation goes into the rewriting. It doesnt matter how many times they repeat the fiction, they cant change my photos, receipts, etc.

 

 

I was texting with him....he would text PAGES of crap....I would respond "I'm sorry you felt unloved.  My memories aren't like that." Or if there was a factual point I corrected I did...but mostly I kept saying I was sorry he felt bad but our perceptions are different.  It was as if I wasn't even responding.  He was just spewing.  I finally just did not answer back anymore.  I don't know how long he would have gone on.  

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My sister does this also.  But, she does that (rewriting history) in her general life, and not just in our family life. The weird thing is, I can tell she really believes what she is saying.  It is like she is truly inventing some kind of alternate reality.  I don't argue with her or try to correct her anymore.  I just don't believe anything she says without outside verification.

 

I think it may be some kind of mental disorder.  Is there anything like that?

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My sister does this also.  But, she does that (rewriting history) in her general life, and not just in our family life. The weird thing is, I can tell she really believes what she is saying.  It is like she is truly inventing some kind of alternate reality.  I don't argue with her or try to correct her anymore.  I just don't believe anything she says without outside verification.

 

I think it may be some kind of mental disorder.  Is there anything like that?

 

 

Yes definitely.  Diagnosed BP.  And he has a half brother that is Paranoid schizophrenic. 

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You say your dad was a loser. In addition to rewriting or completely distorting history, could your brother have developed a perception that as the male child he was perceived to be j"just like dad" and therefore treated badly. Or perhaps he did not want to find fault with his dad so he's looking for problems with mom.

 

Also, some people are endowed with massive amounts of entitlement. With someone like that it doesn't matter how things went down, nothing was ever good enough. And if his path in life has not been good, he needs to blame some one.

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I was texting with him....he would text PAGES of crap....I would respond "I'm sorry you felt unloved. My memories aren't like that." Or if there was a factual point I corrected I did...but mostly I kept saying I was sorry he felt bad but our perceptions are different. It was as if I wasn't even responding. He was just spewing. I finally just did not answer back anymore. I don't know how long he would have gone on.

 

I'm not sure how to ask this gently, but could your brother be having mental health issues? :grouphug:

 

EDITED TO ADD: Looks I like you already answered the question while I was still typing this post! :blush:

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I can relate. My sister is 2 1/2 years older. She rewrites history based on her emotional needs at the time. I am slack jawed at the stories I hear her come up with that are even supposed to involve me. Never happened. It's a big reason I keep my distance (though there are others).

 

She has a waxing and waning alcohol problem and intense emotional moods. I think her moods heavily shape how she perceives and remembers reality. If she's feeling irritated, it has to be because someone did something to irritate her. If she is feeling lonely, it must be because someone alienated her etc. She remembers the feelings and then constructs stories around the moods to explain them.

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I had a friend who would rewrite history like that, and I have family members who do so.

 

In the case of my family members, it is denial, pure and simple. We have a truly dysfunctional, unhappy family, and they are in denial.

 

In the case of my friend, she would really truly believe in what she was saying. Interestingly, this friend's father is BP, and I have long suspected that my friend may be so as well. If not BP, then she suffers with some sort of disorder or mental illness (undiagnosed). Since you mentioned your brother's diagnosis, I wonder if this plays into things for him??

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Yes definitely.  Diagnosed BP.  And he has a half brother that is Paranoid schizophrenic. 

 

I was thinking more along the lines of something without other symptoms.  I used to think it was pathological lying...because she would change stories when there was no reason to change them...  But I don't know if pathological lying applies when the person really starts to believe what they are saying.

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Is it possible that your mother, while meeting your emotional needs, may not have been able to meet your brother's?  I think about my own family.  I have one sibling in particular that I'm quite sure had very specific needs because of their personality, and is pretty damaged as an adult.  It reminds me of the dispute between Bing Crosby's kids, with some calling him extremely abusive, and others saying he was no such thing.

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I can relate. My sister is 2 1/2 years older. She rewrites history based on her emotional needs at the time. I am slack jawed at the stories I hear her come up with that are even supposed to involve me. Never happened. It's a big reason I keep my distance (though there are others).

 

She has a waxing and waning alcohol problem and intense emotional moods. I think her moods heavily shape how she perceives and remembers reality. If she's feeling irritated, it has to be because someone did something to irritate her. If she is feeling lonely, it must be because someone alienated her etc. She remembers the feelings and then constructs stories around the moods to explain them.

This is what my SIL does--her moods shape her perceptions big time. She also needs to find a reason for every problem in her life and it is always her parents fault.Always.

 

I don't think she has any substance abuse problems or major mental illness. I think she's just kept herself incredibly sheltered and lets her intense emotional personality shape her reality almost without censor. Her present boyfriend, however, is good for her.

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He has always gone through cycles.  He cycled up really high about 2 years ago when his little boy was about 1.  He was doing as well as I had ever seen.  Calm, peaceful, lots of time with us and other friends from our childhood...Then BAM he deleted everyone from his FB including mom and me and his grown dd.  He did add us three back on, but who cares when he is so full of venom.  I have hid his FB updates because I just can't read it on a daily basis.  And my poor mom.  I just hate this.  I pray my own child never treats me this way!

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Is it possible that your mother, while meeting your emotional needs, may not have been able to meet your brother's?  I think about my own family.  I have one sibling in particular that I'm quite sure had very specific needs because of their personality, and is pretty damaged as an adult.  It reminds me of the dispute between Bing Crosby's kids, with some calling him extremely abusive, and others saying he was no such thing.

 

 

He was more sensitive than me.  And mom was in survival mode....making sure we were fed and sheltered was consuming enough of her time that she might not have been as comforting to him as he needed....but she spent ALL of her time with us that she wasn't working.  In fact when my brother was about 10 she quit her job because he had two surgeries in 2 months time and he was so upset.  It was after that that she went back to school to be a teacher...by the time he was 14 I was married and mom was teaching school.  She would have been focusing all her attention on him...she tried, but he got involved in drugs around that time and she spent all his teen years again just surviving HIM because he was one big crisis after another.  

 

Who knows.  I mean lots of parents are able to parent one child easier than another....usually doesn't equal this sort of disparity in memory.

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Well because your mom was in survival mode there may have been things she missed. However, that does not mean you both weren't cared for.

 

 

Now that I read 'survival mode' it feels like a misrepresentation.  We had a really good life, especially after we across country from our dad.  We had a big circle of close friends and my mom did a lot for us and with us especially considering how little she had money wise.  My friends to THIS DAY fondly remember my mom's house being where everyone hung out and my mom as the one who took us all over the country to various activities. 

 

But yes clearly she missed something.  I guess.  Or maybe it is all just him.  She is out of state with my dad (step dad) visiting his kids.  I am not going to tell her most of what he said.  She is already aware of how badly he is spinning.  

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children come with their own personalities.  the fact he is so dissatisfied by things will skew his perspective.  it can also be something in his brain chemistry that leans him that way.  that will usually respond to help, but he'd have to actually seek it.

 

as for him blaming your childhood for all his ills - remind him he's an adult now, and needs to take responsibility for himself.

 

 

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children come with their own personalities.  the fact he is so dissatisfied by things will skew his perspective.  it can also be something in his brain chemistry that leans him that way.  that will usually respond to help, but he'd have to actually seek it.

 

as for him blaming your childhood for all his ills - remind him he's an adult now, and needs to take responsibility for himself.

 

 

Good point.

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I have sibling who has false memories. I thought I was just remembering things wrong until I heard the sibling describe a surgery and rehabilitation that happened to me. This was a major event in my life; my appearance was altered for a time and I have photographic proof. It was also a significant cost to my parents and they remembered quite well the ordeal. I could only shake my head and keep repeating, "That was me, not you." I was amazed at the sibling's certainty that I hadn't undergone this surgery, that it had happened to the sibling. 

 

This sibling has also "remembered" things that have happened to others or events that happened before the sibling's birth. It's uncanny how firm these memories are in the sibling's mind.

 

Right now, when I know the story is false, I say flat out that the sibling is wrong, but I don't belabor the point. 

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Yes definitely. Diagnosed BP. And he has a half brother that is Paranoid schizophrenic.

Hugs. I grew up in a house where I began to doubt what was actually true and what was not, even I I had experienced it for myself.

 

My mom was treated on and off for what was diagnosed as Bipolar/BPD. I knew she was ill, and the drugs do make memory worse...But she would regularly create different/alternate versions of reality. We would have a regular experience, but when she recreated it later to tell someone it would only vaguely resemble the truth. I never knew how it would play out. She would read books and absolutely insist that the scenarios had occurred in our house. To this day, she still loves to tell this story about me running away which is right out of Ramona Quimby, straight down to the way her mother helped her pack, what was packed, and in what order. I was twice greeted by the police at a friends house down the street because after she gave permission to spend the night (on the phone with friends mother!) she changed reality and reported me missing. Obviously, incidents like this meant that I did not get many invites to hang out with other kids!

She is estranged from her siblings because she truly did NOT grow up in the same household...or so it seems. She accused an uncle of sexual abuse when he did not even live in the same city nor visit within the 7 year span she claims the abuse occurred. And so on. It was awful growing up and it is still awful. I can't ask about anything because I don't ever know if it is the truth. I would rather trust my own memories, even those about my grandparents.

 

The biggest problem is that she absolutely, positively believes her version. There is no convincing her. My grandparents and aunts/uncles staged an intervention when I was a young teen and she was almost hysterical that everyone was making up lies about her. She makes a wonderful victim and I have learned to just let it go. Yes, truly exhausting. I can't even have a conversation about nothing with her as it is just too loaded.

She know has a husband who chooses, purposefully chooses, to go with her version of things because he says she needs him to and he loves her. He knows things are off, but is willing to deal with it. I am just so grateful someone is.

 

I think the biggest slap in the face is that people like this have 'normal' times and you start to feel like a reasonable relationship is possible. I want and need my mom...but it is just too exhausting and I do not want my child near all of that!

I hope you can work out a better solution than I have.

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Hugs. I grew up in a house where I began to doubt what was actually true and what was not, even I I had experienced it for myself.

 

My mom was treated on and off for what was diagnosed as Bipolar/BPD. I knew she was ill, and the drugs do make memory worse...But she would regularly create different/alternate versions of reality. We would have a regular experience, but when she recreated it later to tell someone it would only vaguely resemble the truth. I never knew how it would play out. She would read books and absolutely insist that the scenarios had occurred in our house. To this day, she still loves to tell this story about me running away which is right out of Ramona Quimby, straight down to the way her mother helped her pack, what was packed, and in what order. I was twice greeted by the police at a friends house down the street because after she gave permission to spend the night (on the phone with friends mother!) she changed reality and reported me missing. Obviously, incidents like this meant that I did not get many invites to hang out with other kids!

She is estranged from her siblings because she truly did NOT grow up in the same household...or so it seems. She accused an uncle of sexual abuse when he did not even live in the same city nor visit within the 7 year span she claims the abuse occurred. And so on. It was awful growing up and it is still awful. I can't ask about anything because I don't ever know if it is the truth. I would rather trust my own memories, even those about my grandparents.

 

The biggest problem is that she absolutely, positively believes her version. There is no convincing her. My grandparents and aunts/uncles staged an intervention when I was a young teen and she was almost hysterical that everyone was making up lies about her. She makes a wonderful victim and I have learned to just let it go. Yes, truly exhausting. I can't even have a conversation about nothing with her as it is just too loaded.

She know has a husband who chooses, purposefully chooses, to go with her version of things because he says she needs him to and he loves her. He knows things are off, but is willing to deal with it. I am just so grateful someone is.

 

I think the biggest slap in the face is that people like this have 'normal' times and you start to feel like a reasonable relationship is possible. I want and need my mom...but it is just too exhausting and I do not want my child near all of that!

I hope you can work out a better solution than I have.

 

 

Hugs back.  I guess I can be glad it is my brother not my mom.   :(

 

Yes, the normal times make the spiral down so hard to deal with.  I think his current wife is enabling him....but she is his 4th wife and it isn't surprising that he chooses emotionally unhealthy women.  Really not much to be done.  They have a 3 year old and I really worry about him.

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Your brother has a mental illness?

If so, he can't help it.  If it's too hard for you to deal with, then keep your distance.  And I totally understand the need to do that.  I keep my distance from my sister.

 

 

It is weird I forget he has mental illness issues.....I think even in this thread I didn't mention it until someone asked me....then I'm like, 'oh yeah he is BP.'  

 

Really I guess that is all the explanation I need.  

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This is me vs all three of my older siblings. However they are over a decade older. And frankly were not even living at home when I was, so it is entirely fair of me to say they have no clue how I was raised. And they bicker awfully about not having the same memories of even their childhoods, so it's not like they all just disagree with me even.

 

For me, I don't even care if they had a different childhood

 

At some point, a person has to man up or woman up and quit blaming mommy for their adult lives.

 

I'm willing to admit where that point is varies. But I'm stuck on thinking it should bloody well be by the time they turn 40. :/

 

I just tell them that point blank and change the topic.

 

But I long ago came to accept that having a genuinely close relationship with my family is simply not a reasonable thing for me to expect and I no longer do.

 

(((Hugs)))

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This is me vs all three of my older siblings. However they are over a decade older. And frankly were not even living at home when I was, so it is entirely fair of me to say they have no clue how I was raised. And they bicker awfully about not having the same memories of even their childhoods, so it's not like they all just disagree with me even.

 

For me, I don't even care if they had a different childhood

 

At some point, a person has to man up or woman up and quit blaming mommy for their adult lives.

 

I'm willing to admit where that point is varies. But I'm stuck on thinking it should bloody well be by the time they turn 40. :/

 

I just tell them that point blank and change the topic.

 

But I long ago came to accept that having a genuinely close relationship with my family is simply not a reasonable thing for me to expect and I no longer do.

 

(((Hugs)))

 

 

I guess that is where I am with my brother.  I am very close to my mom and I guess she is just going to have to accept it too.  

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Your descriptions are textbook.  Right down to the obsession with religion.

 

He can't help it.

 

Not saying this helps you feel better! 

 

 

I am not sure I was aware of the obsession about religion being related to mental illness...gotta think on that for a bit.

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I can't relate to the mental illness aspects, but one middle sibling in my family (I'm the youngest) has a lot of fantasized memories that the rest of us are sure never happened. It is another avenue for this sister to imagine herself in a victim position and to try to justify resentment.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Yes definitely. Diagnosed BP. And he has a half brother that is Paranoid schizophrenic.

I thought it sounded like Borderline Personality. My sister did this as well--invented an entire childhood in which she was unloved. It's the disease speaking, and while a good therapist may be able to help (and have the wisdom not to take whatever he says at face value) there's probably not much you can do about it. If it is upsetting I would avoid discussing such issues, even delete texts without reading.

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Well I don't entirely agree Martha, but I agree with the point that different siblings can have vastly different childhoods.  Parents do not tend to treat each of their children exactly the same. 

 

My disagreement is parents can do some major damage to their children.  Most people do recover from that or find ways of coping and come to terms with it however they have to.  Someone with a mental illness will possibly be unable to do this.  Or it may take much longer.  On top of my mother having a mental illness she was abused by her parents.  She died not being over it.  Some damage just can't be undone.

 

 

Yes I agree that parents can do major damage to their kids.  I just don't see how that could be the case with my mom.  No one who knows who thinks it.  My brother's life has been out of control since he was 14.  My son's age for petes sake!  She had hell with him until he was 19 and she calmly told him she couldn't dictate how he lives but he couldn't do it and live at her house.  

 

Can it sometimes just be the kid and not the parent?

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I thought it sounded like Borderline Personality. My sister did this as well--invented an entire childhood in which she was unloved. It's the disease speaking, and while a good therapist may be able to help (and have the wisdom not to take whatever he says at face value) there's probably not much you can do about it. If it is upsetting I would avoid discussing such issues, even delete texts without reading.

 

 

Well, I meant BiPolar but I know it could be either.  They are overlapping a lot of the times.  He has some records of his where they mention that he is Borderline...but he was never clear if they meant Borderline Personality or Borderline Bi polar. 

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Well, I meant BiPolar but I know it could be either. They are overlapping a lot of the times. He has some records of his where they mention that he is Borderline...but he was never clear if they meant Borderline Personality or Borderline Bi polar.

Ah I see. Acronyms can be confusing. Either way it is a mental health issue; he has created his own reality, and false as it may be nothing you say is likely to make him realize the truth. I'm so sorry, it must be incredibly hard on your mom.

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My father has bipolar.  Often when he was on a manic high he would become very weird about religion.  Either very religious or very anti religion. 

 

 

 

Most interesting.  He is manic right now.  I just this second realized that.  How do I forget these things while I in the middle of it?

 

I wish you all could SEE the texts he sent me in a few short hours yesterday.  It was insane.

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Yes I agree that parents can do major damage to their kids. I just don't see how that could be the case with my mom. No one who knows who thinks it. My brother's life has been out of control since he was 14. My son's age for petes sake! She had hell with him until he was 19 and she calmly told him she couldn't dictate how he lives but he couldn't do it and live at her house.

 

Can it sometimes just be the kid and not the parent?

Absolutely! Mental illness happens to children of good and bad and in between parents.

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My dad has 2 aunts who are Catholic nuns.  On a high he'd call one of them up at 2 in the morning to talk religion.  He'd stop strangers on the street to tell them he was Jesus.  He'd buy weird religious books.

 

 

My brother can quote scripture.  And he has become obsessed now with the history of our religion, the artwork in our literature, any thing in the media that mentions us.  But it is all negative.  And not only is the religion evil it is the cause of all his woes.  

 

But yeah, he was manic yesterday.  His facebook is blowing up with links to haters.  Even though I have him off my feed, it still scrolls by and suggest groups to join because 'brother' did. I may have to unfriend him.  I hesitate to do that because it will fuel his current fire.

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Yeah my dad becomes a very scary person on a high.  It's been a long time since he has been on one thankfully.  Sometimes people sort of outgrow the illness as they get older.  Or the symptoms become less pronounced.  So I'm hoping that is what is happening!

 

 

My brother is 45...how old does he have to get!  :) 

 

It has been a while since I saw him this way.  I was so focused on feeling defensive because he was attacking me, mom, religion...that I failed to realize it is just a manic episode.

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I deal with this at times with dh. He suffers from chronic depression, generally well managed but with an occasional relapse (most often because he forgot medication one day). When that happens, his entire view of his life, our marriage, our family, etc. gets warped beyond recognition and he spews ridiculous stuff that I try hard not to listen to because I really don't want to remember it. I just remind myself over and over that this is the illness talking and not the way he thinks and views the world on a daily basis. After a good night's sleep (and time for medication to kick back in) he is usually back to his normal thoughtful, loving self. We are incredibly fortunate that his issues seem to be rather straightforward and respond well to medication, the marriage could never have survived otherwise. I hope if I ever face mental health challenges myself they will prove to be as manageable, I know many are not.

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Yes I agree that parents can do major damage to their kids.  I just don't see how that could be the case with my mom.  No one who knows who thinks it.  My brother's life has been out of control since he was 14.  My son's age for petes sake!  She had hell with him until he was 19 and she calmly told him she couldn't dictate how he lives but he couldn't do it and live at her house.  

 

Can it sometimes just be the kid and not the parent?

 

that fact your brother is diagnosed with a serious mental illness, makes it very likely it *is* the illness talking.  iow: it's him/his illness, not your mom.   this must be terribly difficult for her.

 

I recall reading a book on brain injuries and how specific areas do control behavior.  how damage in a specific area will bring specific results.  it was interesting in the before and after TBI case studies.  one dd's bff is doing clinical psychology specializing in TBIs. we've had some interesting conversation on the subject.

 

 your brother is mentally ill - his brain doesn't function correctly.  make what boundaries you must, then remind yourself his brain doesn't work correctly.  take what he says with a grain of salt, do not take it personally.  how his brain works is mostly outside his control.   treatment is within his control, but can only do so much - but again, boundaries for behavior.

 

I have a very difficult MIL, she has always been difficult. (the blessings of age - she's seriously slowed down) - her brain doesn't work correctly. that is beyond her control, so I can cut her slack for that and can have compassion for her. .  BUT.  we don't tolerate her nonsense either.

 

 

 

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How do two people come from the same home with such wildly different versions?  

 

Yup.  All the cards get thrown up the air when mental illness is involved.  Who knows where things fall.

 

Different situation, but my mother battled mental illness and drug abuse as long as I knew her.  My goal as a young adult was to get as far away from her as I was able and to make a normal life for myself.

 

My sibling was the "golden child" and remained tethered to her into adulthood.  Denial of the problems over and over.  And the signs of the same mental illness are there.  No interest in getting help.  I really can't interact with them at all other than on a surface level a few times a year.  The distortions and lies get in the way.

 

:grouphug:

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My older sister and my younger sister have 2 very different perspectives on our upbringing.  My older sister suffered from bearing the brunt of my father's controlling ways.  My Dad is an alcoholic and both of my parents are control freaks- even today.  My younger sister and older sister are over 6 years apart in age.  I don't think it's unusual for siblings to see things differently and have different experiences when living in the same household.  Being more than a couple years apart in age can give each child totally different memories.   

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Unfortunately my oldest child has been reinventing her childhood since she moved out. She has tried her best to use her "real memories" to turn my youngest child against me. The youngest child is possibly starting to figure out the truth, but the oldest made a calculating attempt to destroy our relationship and damage our family. It really isn't fun. Especially when I made HUGE sacrifices for this person who wont even be accountable for her own life.

 

In the case of my oldest, I have come to the conclusion that her worldview is such that only a victim is a good person. If she gives up her imaginary victim-hood she will become a bad person in her own eyes. Anyone who takes responsibility for their own life is "rude" in her eyes. Her mother's family (she is my step dd) is all like this. All of them are victims. None of them believe their lies cause any trouble, because they believe EVERYONE lies all the time. 

 

I don't know if your brother is mentally ill, or believes that he is entitled to be a victim so that he is "owed", but I do know you have to protect your own sanity. You have enough going on in your own life not to take him too seriously anymore. 

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Yes definitely.  Diagnosed BP.  And he has a half brother that is Paranoid schizophrenic. 

 

How much do you know about BP?  His rants are very probably when he is on either an upswing or a downswing and not something you should take personally or a reflection on your own childhood.  IMO, you aren't going to be able to correct his views.  If you cannot handle his swings, then you will have to distance yourself.  You might try to get him help, or suggest that he see his doctors, but dealing with BP or any other illness is always going to be a struggle. He's trapped with the thoughts in his mind and they often will betray him. :(

 

I can't speak for everyone, but from my limited exposure to depression and manic highs, the person really is trapped.  They can't stop or control the thoughts.  They may even hold onto a little reality and know what they are saying is wrong, but the rage or frustration and negative feelings overwhelm. 

 

Yes, it is hard for the parent.  The best you can do is be child who is supportive of your parent and loving toward them.  But your mom surely has known about your brother's condition for some time.  She either should have made her peace with it or needs to consider therapy to do so.  He is who he is, broken parts and all.  As for your own children, be alert for the signs and get them help right away if you notice personality changes.  Puberty is a ripe time for these mental conditions to hit, it is no surprise that your brother's life started to spiral at that time- and that many years ago treatment wasn't known about or readily available.  Lots of people did and still do self-medicate with drugs or drink. 

 

Pray for his mind to find peace.   

 

 

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How much do you know about BP? His rants are very probably when he is on either an upswing or a downswing and not something you should take personally or a reflection on your own childhood. IMO, you aren't going to be able to correct his views. If you cannot handle his swings, then you will have to distance yourself. You might try to get him help, or suggest that he see his doctors, but dealing with BP or any other illness is always going to be a struggle. He's trapped with the thoughts in his mind and they often will betray him. :(

 

I can't speak for everyone, but from my limited exposure to depression and manic highs, the person really is trapped. They can't stop or control the thoughts. They may even hold onto a little reality and know what they are saying is wrong, but the rage or frustration and negative feelings overwhelm.

 

Yes, it is hard for the parent. The best you can do is be child who is supportive of your parent and loving toward them. But your mom surely has known about your brother's condition for some time. She either should have made her peace with it or needs to consider therapy to do so. He is who he is, broken parts and all. As for your own children, be alert for the signs and get them help right away if you notice personality changes. Puberty is a ripe time for these mental conditions to hit, it is no surprise that your brother's life started to spiral at that time- and that many years ago treatment wasn't known about or readily available. Lots of people did and still do self-medicate with drugs or drink.

 

Pray for his mind to find peace.

I actually know a lot about BP. He had a total breakdown 7 years ago after a bad car wreck. He is disabled now and I have never been clear if it is physical, mental, or a combo. At that time he was giving me all info on what meds hew as on and when the dosage changed etc. He was stable for several years. Marriage number three ended, he got back with a high school sweetheart and they had a baby together. She seemed to be so in love with him, his extended family, and even became involved in our religion.....he reconnected too and seemed very calm and stable. Suddenly almost two years ago something began to change with both of them. She disconnected from our family, our faith and he followed suit.

 

In the last few months we have been seeing signs of extreme views on religion and when I called him on his hurtful comments this week that is when he let loose. Do you see how the slow progression lulls me into forgetting that it is the BP talking? I know it sounds silly but I didn't connect the dots until I was reading this thread yesterday. Clearly he is manic.

 

It has helped me to realize this. And it has helped me help my mom. I told her it is best to keep our distance right now. And told her he is manic.

 

I really appreciate all of you.

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Oh and he said he never wants me to be out of his life. I didn't suggest I would be.....so I know he has been dwelling on that. He must know that if he keeps spewing venom about my faith a distance will have to be maintained.

 

Thankfully I was very calm and didn't say anything unkind at all.

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Family members who are Manic and BP can be very difficult to understand and love at times, please encourage him to seek medical help.   

 

(I have an extended family member who is BP and has manic depressive times; when he is in the middle of one he needs others to ensure he recieves treatment, counseling and takes his medication correctly.)  This may sound strange, but during those times he isn't himself; I don't know how else to explain it.

 

 

Most interesting.  He is manic right now.  I just this second realized that.  How do I forget these things while I in the middle of it?

 

I wish you all could SEE the texts he sent me in a few short hours yesterday.  It was insane.

 

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Family members who are Manic and BP can be very difficult to understand and love at times, please encourage him to seek medical help.

 

(I have an extended family member who is BP and has manic depressive times; when he is in the middle of one he needs others to ensure he recieves treatment, counseling and takes his medication correctly.) This may sound strange, but during those times he isn't himself; I don't know how else to explain it.

I don't think we will be able to discuss BP or his meds with him right now because he is so manic. And his wife has cut us off. She is feeding the anti religious fanaticism and I doubt she realizes how the dots are lining up. She has never been with him through a manic episode.

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I'm sorry to hear that about his wife, I hope she is at least ensuring his medications are being taken as prescribed.  I know with my family member he will often miss or skip his meds and then he thinks he feels fine or better and maybe he does for a bit of time, but it quickly spirals and becomes very evident to everyone expect him. 

 

Without his consent or his wife's help, you and your mom will have little opportunities to help him.  If it we me, I would consider asking his or another healthcare professional familiar with md/bp and ask how to best help and support him when his is going through a manic episode.  I'm sorry your and your mom are in such a difficult place. 

 

 

 

I don't think we will be able to discuss BP or his meds with him right now because he is so manic. And his wife has cut us off. She is feeding the anti religious fanaticism and I doubt she realizes how the dots are lining up. She has never been with him through a manic episode.

 

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Hugs for you Scarlet.

 

My sister is determined that my father nailed MY foot to the floor with a spike and she believes he broke a 2 by 4 over her back, she would have been around age 8.  She believes it wholeheartedly.  It doesn't matter that I repeatedly state that it never happened.  That I never missed school (presumably if I had a spike put through my foot I would miss at least one day of school).  I have no scars.  We were active in school choirs, church and community groups.  I'm fairly confident that someone would have noticed that she was severely injured by the 2 by 4 and I should have at least been limping for an hour or two with a spike in the foot injury don't you think?

 

It's amazing how different siblings have different perspectives.

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