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She won't put her underwear on...


SpicyPeanut
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To be clear, I would have let go to bed without panties.  She wanted panties.  She wanted me to pick the panties.  I did pick the panties.  She threw my choice on the floor.  I wasn't insulted.  I just knew where we were going.  She's done it before and it ends with me picking every single pair of panties only for her to deem them unworthy.  When I'm done going through every clean pair she then announces she wants some pair of panties that are in the hamper.  I've even told her that she could wear them dirty.  Nope.  She wants them clean. 

 

Now all this didn't happen last night, but we play the "panties game" often enough that I could see it coming.  I've been home for a month now.  Her dad has taken a lot of time off this summer.  Grandma is available 24/7 as she basically never leaves unless she leaves with us.  She doesn't miss grandma, though she may miss being "in charge" of Grandma. 

 

Looks like she's sleeping in.  Which is good. 

 

My youngest is of this persuasion. I'd have done exactly what you did. In my experience with her, when I capitulate in those situations, her behavior deteriorates for days if not weeks afterward. When I win the power struggle, our next few weeks are a lot more pleasant, with more general cooperation and teamwork. This is so totally against my nature as a person and a parent—and it's so unlike the way my oldest operates—that it took me years to figure out, but I think some kids just need to know where the line in the sand is. If it moves, they have to search for it over and over. Vigorously. With lots of snotty attitude and disrespect. 

 

However, once I adopted the policy of limited choice, everyone was happier, life was more pleasant, and I stopped feeling like I was an enforcer instead of a parent. 

 

I don't disagree with you, but this is one of those pieces of advice that has just never worked for me. Inevitably, offering limited choices goes something like this:

 

Me: You can wear the pink dress or the blue dress today, which would you like?

DD: I WANT TO WEAR MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAANTSSSSSSSS!!!!!! 

 

or 

 

Me: Would you like me to buckle up your car seat for your, or do you want to do it?

DD: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 

And it still ends up in a power struggle, because none of the choices is ever acceptable simply by the nature of the fact that I'm defining the options. Well, I should clarify that it doesn't happen that often anymore, but we still sometimes happen across things that trigger this sort of scenario. I don't know--years ago I read the book How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, and my kids just never reacted the way she suggested they would. This is just another example. It makes me feel like such a failure as a good positive-discipline-oriented parent!

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FWIW, while I appreciate people giving advice they think is needed, I wasn't really looking for any on this situation. I was venting mostly. I don't feel badly about the whole thing. She slept in and hasn't mentioned it. Bedtime went smoothly tonight. I don't think I have a "problem" I just have a kid who has always had a strong will. It's not that big of a deal... Really. I'm very surprised at the traffic me little night time situation started.

Sounds like you did the right thing in holding firm!

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I'm very surprised at the traffic me little night time situation started.

 

Ah, I see by your post count that you are new (ish) here  :lol:  You would be absolutely amazed at what we can turn into fights that result in moderator-deleted posts, thread-lockings, and member bannings. The tiniest of vents or rants or even celebrations can generate a stunning amount of discussion, both negative and positive. If you ever want to just vent about something and don't want advice or criticism, you can make it a JAWM (just agree with me) post. Most posters (though not all) will get it and respect that, and you'll get mainly support. 

 

Don't sweat it. It sounds like you did what needed to be done and all is well  :grouphug:

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I don't disagree with you, but this is one of those pieces of advice that has just never worked for me. Inevitably, offering limited choices goes something like this:

 

Me: You can wear the pink dress or the blue dress today, which would you like?

DD: I WANT TO WEAR MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAANTSSSSSSSS!!!!!! 

 

or 

 

Me: Would you like me to buckle up your car seat for your, or do you want to do it?

DD: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 

And it still ends up in a power struggle, because none of the choices is ever acceptable simply by the nature of the fact that I'm defining the options. Well, I should clarify that it doesn't happen that often anymore, but we still sometimes happen across things that trigger this sort of scenario. I don't know--years ago I read the book How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, and my kids just never reacted the way she suggested they would. This is just another example. It makes me feel like such a failure as a good positive-discipline-oriented parent!

 

 

Oh, I'm not saying it was an instant, magic solution. I had to learn to respond to the above by saying, "Nope, your choices are pink or blue. Once you're ready to choose and get dressed, we can [insert whatever fun or interesting thing was next on the agenda here]."

 

Or, "We can't leave until you are buckled in the car seat, and if we don't do the errands soon, you won't have time to [insert whatever thing child would prefer to be doing here] when we get home. Let me know when you're ready to get going."

 

I had to say it firmly but cheerfully and make it clear that the topic was closed. Once we all adjusted, it worked really well. 

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Edited to add: that this child (maybe not every child but THIS child) is one that if you give an inch will take a mile.  She orders me to put on her panties so I do it... now she's unable to do a thing, including sleep, and needs a different pillow, and maybe a different color blanket, and her red stuffed dinosaur... wait 4 minutes, now she doesn't want that toy she needs a different one. 

 

I am amazed at the number of people acting as if you're a terrible parent because you wouldn't put her underwear on. This argument and situation had NOTHING to do with underwear, and everything to do with a toddler wanting to delay bedtime and fuss because things didn't go perfectly to her plan. This paragraph absolutely describes my eldest DD perfectly. She will go on. and on. and on. and ON. And those people who say 'she will tire herself out'? We have actually gone to bed while she is still awake once or twice because she just keeps going. Strong willed children are stronger than sleep! And going and doing it will only confirm to her daughter that throwing a fit works.

 

Thankfully we are nearing the end of this stage now after a lot of trial and error trying to figure out what she would respond to. We only really have an incident if she has fallen asleep during the day now (hard when she throws a tantrum if I don't let her sleep during the day because she still gets very tired by 2pm and has been known to beg to be able to nap, but it always ends up with trouble that night. I don't refuse to let her nap for my comfort, I wish she would nap! But I don't think the bedtime battles are good for her, emotionally, either.) To all those people who say to just put the undies on... if this child is anything like mine, while mum was in there she would have asked for water. Then 10 minutes later it would have been crying for a new toy, then 15 minutes later it would have been food, or my personal favourite 'my bum's itchy' (said every night for an entire MONTH after she had worms, because she discovered that it resulted in attention, getting out of bed, and medicine the first time, and she was insistent it would work again) and when she eventually ran out of things, it would simply be 'I'm sick' or 'My eyes won't close' or 'My room is scary' over, and over, and over. Lest you think my child is an emotional wreck to be so insecure, rest assured that not only is she perfectly fine the rest of the day, extremely confident and caring, but she has never once pulled these stunts for anyone other than me. Apparently she goes to bed like an angel on the odd occasion she is babysat.

 

So, Peanut, I TOTALLY sympathise. I'm just thankful that her younger sister is shaping up to be far less... stubborn.

 

We tried everything. Just giving in did not result in a child who felt safer, it resulted in a child who was cranky all day because she had been awake until 10 or 11pm and was TIRED, coupled with a pair of parents who were irritable because they had absolutely no time to themselves. Being super authoritarian made everyone miserable and DID make her scared (it was how DH was raised, so he insisted he needed to 'put his foot down', he's seen the error in his ways since). We tried limited choice, which mostly resulted in her crying because, if you offer A or B, she will ALWAYS want C, even when A and B are her favorites and C is hated. (this is the child who, when told to hold the shopping trolley 'here', will hold it in the same place on the opposite side, just so she can prove she is independent, and only obeying on her terms because she chose to.) And if you offer her a choice of everything, it resulted in being completely overwhelmed and an hour of debating, and ultimately a choice which she would change her mind on 10 minutes later. If you refused to let her change her mind... well, that puts us back at the beginning with the tantrum doesn't it.

 

What worked for us was a combination of removing possible triggers (no food after dinner unless dinner is finished. Offer a drink right before bed then no more. We have never given her clothing choice yet, though she will be old enough soon, we do let her choose her own toy before being tucked in, we can no longer respond to her complaining she is sick because she says she is sick every night as soon as she goes to bed, so hopefully she never actually IS sick! If she is, I expect she will complain or show signs of it before being tucked into bed), and leaving her to scream, tantrum, and go in as she's calming down to help teach her to calm down, talk nicely and be reasonable (she actually asks me to help her take deep breaths when she feels herself getting too upset now, as a result of this) and outright perseverance and time waiting for her to realize going to bed nicely was just nicer for her. This stage will pass, be firm and loving and she will grow out of it.

 

And try not to take some of the more judgmental opinions here too personally. I once posted here after I had my 2yo daughter at one side of the lounge room while I was at the other, with my back turned to her admittedly, doing some work, and when I turned around after no more than 5 minutes she had climbed an obstacle course to get to the top of the fridge and take daddy's medicine. No one who knows us IRL could believe she had managed such a feat, who expects their two year old to get to the top of the fridge!? but I ended up with replies from people on here saying I shouldn't have had my eye off her even that long, I shouldn't be doing other things while she is awake because she obviously needs constant active, eyes on, supervision, and if I need to leave the room for a minute I should take her with me, along with stories from people who would take their toddlers to the toilet with them so they could supervise them. Ugh. Knowing how strong willed she is now I can only imagine how having mummy's complete attention at every moment of the day would have gone for us! On the other hand, giving her that independence (not that I'd call continuing to play while mummy sits in the same room working independence) and trusting her has resulted in her being very confident, and quite trustworthy and responsible now. You know your child best, and there's a whole lot people here aren't seeing, and a whole lot that anyone who has not had a strong willed, stubborn child won't understand at all. 

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You know your child best, and there's a whole lot people here aren't seeing, and a whole lot that anyone who has not had a strong willed, stubborn child won't understand at all. 

 

I'm a bit tired of the idea that those of us who are responding in a way the OP doesn't agree just don't understand. I have a very strong willed child and I wish desperately that I had done things differently with her during her toughest period. I am trying to share that knowledge because it would have saved her and I a lot of heartache. I see her now as a teenager and know that I ended up doing the right thing but that is because I quit thinking of everything as a power struggle and as something that I must 'win' because I am the parent.

 

I think some of us were just trying to give her a different perspective because it might help them both in the end. There is hardly ever only one right way to do things and I think sometimes we forget that.

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I'm a bit tired of the idea that those of us who are responding in a way the OP doesn't agree just don't understand. I have a very strong willed child and I wish desperately that I had done things differently with her during her toughest period. I am trying to share that knowledge because it would have saved her and I a lot of heartache. I see her now as a teenager and know that I ended up doing the right thing but that is because I quit thinking of everything as a power struggle and as something that I must 'win' because I am the parent.

 

I think some of us were just trying to give her a different perspective because it might help them both in the end. There is hardly ever only one right way to do things and I think sometimes we forget that.

 

I believe I specified at the beginning of that paragraph that I was referring to the judgmental opinions, not simple disagreement. Disagreement is fine. Judgmental posts are not imo.

 

And I am sure it's possible to have a strong willed child and have a different opinion, that's great. You'll also see in my post that I suggested she experiment with the choices and triggers, and that time may be all that truly fixes it, so I don't disagree with your view either. I, too, would just let my child not wear underwear at night if that was the issue at hand. However, as you'll see in the updates, that actually wasn't the issue. 

 

Again, what I had an issue with was people who did not have a strong willed child yet felt the need to be judgmental, not those who disagreed with the method. Comments which seem to be appalled that the OP would refuse to put the underwear on, or posts which seem to imply serious issues with the child emotionally, or implying the OP has not made her child feel secure enough or is not filling her role as a parent. Those are the ones which don't understand and have obviously not had a child act this way, since if they had they would not be making suggestions based on the idea that once the underwear is on the child will just sleep. Strong willed children don't work that way. I am sure, since you say you had done similar things before changing methods, that you would not accuse the OP of being uncaring or neglectful, and would not make those comments. You might think she was misguided but I expect you would probably have sympathy, not judgment. Looking back I see that you simply expressed disagreement, so I have no issue with your comment at all.

 

I am sick of anyone who chooses to parent with some authority being lumped in with strict, diciplinarian parenting and responded to almost as if they are abusing their children. Do those of us with somewhat stricter styles go into the 'gentle parenting' threads and act all judgmental and high and mighty? You didn't do this, but others have. I consider my style fairly middle of the road, a balance of many things, but I'd be considered downright abusive by some people on these forums. You said yourself that there is not one single right answer, but it seems some people here don't see that.

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  for the OP. 

 

I have a 5yo DD who is/was very similar.  4 was a TOUGH age, things are much improved at 5!  However, her basic personality is the same- she wants PERFECT consistency, or else we argue for a week or more to get back on track.  Three nights ago, she ran a fever, so I let her creep into bed with us (we have a somewhat open bed policy).  I did this KNOWING that she would ask to sleep with us every night for the next week.  So far, she has not disappointed.  lol.  I just tell her no, and now she is able to return to bed with no problem on her own.  At 4, the same set-up would have resulted in a battle. 

 

EVERY single exception in her life causes a 1-2 week

"Can I do this?" 

"No." 

"But I did it the other time like that!" 

"No." 

 

It's very hard because the other two kids are very easy going and are able to process the idea of an "exception" quite easily. 

 

Anyway, all that to say that I think the OP did just fine given the situation, and that I hope for her a year's time will significantly reduce the defiance, though it probably won't decrease the attempts to control situations.  lol. 

 

My 5yo now knows that if I say, "We are not going to argue about this." that she should move on and accept her fate.  :-) 

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My youngest is of this persuasion. I'd have done exactly what you did. In my experience with her, when I capitulate in those situations, her behavior deteriorates for days if not weeks afterward. When I win the power struggle, our next few weeks are a lot more pleasant, with more general cooperation and teamwork. This is so totally against my nature as a person and a parent—and it's so unlike the way my oldest operates—that it took me years to figure out, but I think some kids just need to know where the line in the sand is. If it moves, they have to search for it over and over. Vigorously. With lots of snotty attitude and disrespect.

 

 

I don't disagree with you, but this is one of those pieces of advice that has just never worked for me. Inevitably, offering limited choices goes something like this:

 

Me: You can wear the pink dress or the blue dress today, which would you like?

DD: I WANT TO WEAR MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAANTSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

 

or

 

Me: Would you like me to buckle up your car seat for your, or do you want to do it?

DD: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 

And it still ends up in a power struggle, because none of the choices is ever acceptable simply by the nature of the fact that I'm defining the options. Well, I should clarify that it doesn't happen that often anymore, but we still sometimes happen across things that trigger this sort of scenario. I don't know--years ago I read the book How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, and my kids just never reacted the way she suggested they would. This is just another example. It makes me feel like such a failure as a good positive-discipline-oriented parent!

Oh man. Someone lent me that book when we were struggling with our little tyrant firecracker! I laughed at the examples, heartily! If my kid responded like that I wouldn't have needed help in the first place! Sorry, don't mean to derail, but yeah, can totally relate.
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She's tired, so it's probably not worth trying to be rational about it at all.  However, if a rational discussion is possible, I'd go and say something like, "I see that you really feel strongly about wanting me to put your panties on."  (acknowledge her feelings)  "May I ask *why* you don't want to put on your panties all by yourself?"  Listen to her answer; chances are, it's something easy to deal with.  Like, she isn't sure how to decide which hole which leg goes in, LOL.

 

I would probably read this as a desire to have you show her some direct TLC.  I'd go give her a hug and tell her the panties are not nearly as important as her dear heart.  She can wear them or not wear them but you are not going to fight about it.

 

My kid was (is) very hard-headed.  She wouldn't usually say what was making her mad but she would dig in like anything.  Quietly, in her case, but still frustrating.  Usually just acknowledging and asking her to say her side was enough to get past the issue of the moment.  The bigger issue - inflexibility - is a different thing; I'm not sure it can be parented away.

 

I realize this is not still happening in the moment, but for future reference...;)

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 (this is the child who, when told to hold the shopping trolley 'here', will hold it in the same place on the opposite side, just so she can prove she is independent, and only obeying on her terms because she chose to.)  

 

I truly don't mean to pick on you, specifically. This is just an interesting example of something I see discussed here sometimes: Why does it matter where she holds onto the trolley? 

 

See, to me, this is kind of like that thing where you ask a child a question to which you already know the answer, hoping the child will incriminate herself, then get mad about the child lying. ("Did you take the last cookie?") What earthly purpose does it serve to insist a child hold onto a cart in one specific place? If the point is to keep the child close and under supervision, why not just tell the child to hold on not make the specific placement of the hand a source of conflict? Why create a situation that is likely to spark a confrontation, over something that doesn't matter?

 

Of course, when it matters, I can see saying to the child, "Just for today, I need you to hold onto the cart here, because [insert valid reason here]."

 

I guess part of the difference in my approach to this kind of thing is that I see "strong willed" as a potentially positive character trait. I didn't see it as necessary as a parent to break a child's will or assert my dominance. Instead, I wanted to help my kids learn to channel their natural tendencies in positive, productive ways.

 

I remember telling the mother of one of my son's friends that I couldn't think of a single person who ever accomplished anything cool by being submissive and following the crowd. And, similarly, I can't think of anyone who changed the world in a positive way by following rules for the sake of following them. 

 

I found that, if I was willing to explain to my kids why I was making/enforcing the rules I was and to listen and respond to their concerns when I had the flexibility to do so, both of mine were much more willing to comply. That kind of communication also built trust so that, when I did need quick and unquestioning obedience in crisis situations, they would cooperate. ("We don't have time to talk about why right now, but I need you to do this right away.")

 

So, if it mattered for some reason that the child hold onto the trolley there, I would explain why. And, because I hadn't abused my power in the past, they would usually comply. If it mattered only that the child hold onto the trolley, I wouldn't make a rule about where and would let the child choose. 

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I'm a bit tired of the idea that those of us who are responding in a way the OP doesn't agree just don't understand. I have a very strong willed child and I wish desperately that I had done things differently with her during her toughest period. I am trying to share that knowledge because it would have saved her and I a lot of heartache. I see her now as a teenager and know that I ended up doing the right thing but that is because I quit thinking of everything as a power struggle and as something that I must 'win' because I am the parent.

 

I think some of us were just trying to give her a different perspective because it might help them both in the end. There is hardly ever only one right way to do things and I think sometimes we forget that.

 

:iagree: This, exactly. I have a very strong willed child (now 12). I can think of hundreds of examples almost identical to what OP has described. Yep, 3 was tough. 4 was tough. 5 was tough too. At 12, though she's intense and stubborn she is easy to parent. We do have a great relationship.

 

Ultimately the things that worked long term and are the basis of our good relationship now were not power struggles where I outlasted her or "won", but the attitude of connection rather than punishment.

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Guest submarines
....

 

 

I guess part of the difference in my approach to this kind of thing is that I see "strong willed" as a potentially positive character trait. I didn't see it as necessary as a parent to break a child's will or assert my dominance. Instead, I wanted to help my kids learn to channel their natural tendencies in positive, productive ways.

 

I remember telling the mother of one of my son's friends that I couldn't think of a single person who ever accomplished anything cool by being submissive and following the crowd. And, similarly, I can't think of anyone who changed the world in a positive way by following rules for the sake of following them. 

 

 

:wub:

 

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I think some of the problem with discussing "strong-willed" kids is that they are not all the same. Some might be naturally inflexible. Some might have good leadership capabilities. Some might have emotional issues (which is not the end of the world and, contrary to popular opinion, does not mean you are a bad parent). Some may just enjoy creating havoc, demanding extra parental attention, etc.

 

So, you get diverse advice, even from other parents of strong-willed kids. Take what makes sense and discard what does not fit your child. You know your child best, and you are in charge, not us strangers, who have not even met your child.

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FWIW, while I appreciate people giving advice they think is needed, I wasn't really looking for any on this situation. I was venting mostly

 

I see you're new here. We have a thing we do on this forum when we just want to vent and don't want people to tell us we're wrong, shouldn't have said/done that, etc. We put JAWM in the title of the thread. It stands for Just Agree With Me. While some people will disagree with you no matter what, most of us try to honor a JAWM post.

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My screamer with emotional issues has grown into an amazingly strong and resilient teen. A friend used to tell me that she would make a great adult. Being strong in will can be a great asset farther down the road.

 

It's strength of will that helped my daughter go to college early and graduate at 16. It's strength of will that is helping her head out on her own 1,100 miles from home and support herself at 19. It's strength of will that helps her keep working at her chosen path even when it isn't easy or smooth.

 

It's strength of will that helped my son ignore all the kids (and some adults) who told him dance was for girls and who laughed at the thought of a guy wearing tights and keep going to dance classes. It's strength of will that helped him stick with practicing and rehearsing even when he's tired and sore. It's strength of will that makes him determined to succeed and strength of will that allows him to continue even when he doesn't.

 

Both of my kids are performers, and I am constantly amazed and impressed by their ability to keep auditioning, keep putting themselves out there and subjecting themselves to casting decisions that sometimes seem arbitrary and unexplainable, then to throw themselves into shows with determination to be their best even when they don't get the parts they worked so hard to try and earn. Sometimes, that drive comes from a determination to prove the casting director wrong, but the point is that their strength of will makes them able to keep going, even in the face of disappointment and difficulty.

 

So, yes, I absolutely agree that this quality has been a great asset to both of them.

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I believe I specified at the beginning of that paragraph that I was referring to the judgmental opinions, not simple disagreement. Disagreement is fine. Judgmental posts are not imo.

 

And I am sure it's possible to have a strong willed child and have a different opinion, that's great. You'll also see in my post that I suggested she experiment with the choices and triggers, and that time may be all that truly fixes it, so I don't disagree with your view either. I, too, would just let my child not wear underwear at night if that was the issue at hand. However, as you'll see in the updates, that actually wasn't the issue. 

 

Again, what I had an issue with was people who did not have a strong willed child yet felt the need to be judgmental, not those who disagreed with the method. Comments which seem to be appalled that the OP would refuse to put the underwear on, or posts which seem to imply serious issues with the child emotionally, or implying the OP has not made her child feel secure enough or is not filling her role as a parent. Those are the ones which don't understand and have obviously not had a child act this way, since if they had they would not be making suggestions based on the idea that once the underwear is on the child will just sleep. Strong willed children don't work that way. I am sure, since you say you had done similar things before changing methods, that you would not accuse the OP of being uncaring or neglectful, and would not make those comments. You might think she was misguided but I expect you would probably have sympathy, not judgment. Looking back I see that you simply expressed disagreement, so I have no issue with your comment at all.

 

I am sick of anyone who chooses to parent with some authority being lumped in with strict, diciplinarian parenting and responded to almost as if they are abusing their children. Do those of us with somewhat stricter styles go into the 'gentle parenting' threads and act all judgmental and high and mighty? You didn't do this, but others have. I consider my style fairly middle of the road, a balance of many things, but I'd be considered downright abusive by some people on these forums. You said yourself that there is not one single right answer, but it seems some people here don't see that.

Actually I was one of those and am raising 3 extremely strong willed children.  I have fully BTDT.  YOu are making assumptions about those that posted that way.  I also happen to parent with authority, I just have been in this gig long enough to know when putting my foot down is worth it and when showing some grace is a better option.

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I think the pattern, as discribed, of demanding inconsiquential help, rejecting options, and demanding further (random) inconsequential help in a repeated manner -- it begs the question, "What is she really looking for?" (Because if you could answer that, you could just go immediately to the heart of the issue, and get it over with.)

 

She wants to delay bed time? Why? What is it about daytime that she prefers? Can those things join bedtime routine somehow?

 

She wants things to go her way? Why? Just because its orderly and feels secure? Because she is exploring personal power? Because she had a childish but genuine specific desire that was disappointed?

 

These explorations lead to different strategies. Some of the strategies are strict (iron limits delivered with empathy) and some if them are sweet. It's not actually specific to ''gentle" parenting to speculate on what causes misbehaviour... It's just trying to understand a situation and solve it like any analytical person does to all situations.

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You survived. So did she. If it is happening a lot maybe get her ready for be before tea. She will probably find something else to fight about but at least you can just put her in her room and leave. I find I am not able to be very rational at bed time either.

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I hate to sound harsh, but I think you are blaming the victim here.

 

You are the mom. You chose to give over care to a 3 year old for a year while you worked full time. You chose the caregiver, and you are responsible for the care she received. You say she was spoiled. That is on YOU (and DH), not on HER.

 

A 4 year old is still a very young person. Who cares who puts her underwear on?

 

I am guessing she was overtired by the time you wrote this if she wasn't already when all this started. Bed times are rough on little people. 

 

I think you need to reassess your perspective here and take a hard look at who is the victim and who is the responsible party. If your kid's behavior and expectations are out of whack due to what you consider poor caregiving . . . that is on you and your dh. So, you need to find ways to improve it without blaming the kid. She's 4, not 14. Looking at her as a spoiled princess is not going to help you treat her with the empathy and respect every kid deserves.

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