Deceased family member - trying to figure everything out logistically

[PeacefulChaos]

How do you fly with a 5 year old??

This is not necessarily what I'm going to end up doing - but I'm trying to figure out all the info just so I know.  

 

Pink is a little under 42" tall.  She's 38 lbs.  

 

In the car, she still sits in a regular 5 point harness FF car seat.  Her seat is not approved for airline use, as far as I know.  It's an Evenflo...something.  :P

 

I looked it up online and saw the CARES child safety device, but that says up to 40" tall.  Does she just get a regular seat, then?  

 

 

 

And yes, I already asked about this stuff a little bit in the airlines thread I posted a little while ago (here).  Well, the flying part, anyway.  :)

 

 

As far as other stuff goes - what should I expect if the family member wanted to be cremated?  A memorial service?  

I have no idea if she had a will anymore.  I know she did at one point a long time ago, but it was - seriously - like 10-12 years ago.  Is there anything I need to know going into this?  I wouldn't be executor or anything like that.  

If she had debts, etc, does someone have to take responsibility for those?  

 

Is there usually a memorial service when someone is cremated?  (I would find it strange to have nothing, but I haven't known anyone who chose to be cremated - though I think I may want to, personally - so I just have no frame of reference for this!  Sorry if my questions sound stupid!  :) )  If there is, what should we wear?  Funeral attire?  I had asked a few weeks ago about what would be appropriate for the boys to wear -- they both have jackets (suit jackets/blazers/sports coat - whatever you call them in your neck of the woods).  They wanted black so that's what they have.  Should they wear those?  If not, what would be good?  I feel like they need to be more dressed up than, say, church on Sundays (khakis/jeans with no holes, polo shirt, generally).  

I was thinking of running to Belk this afternoon (the only store in our town! :lol: ) and picking up a pair of nice khakis for each of them, and possibly a button up shirt (I'll check what they have that fits, first, to see if that's necessary).  What about shoes?  They don't have any dress shoes.  I can look at our local shoe store and see if they have anything.  

What about me?  What would you wear for your estranged mom's memorial service??  

 

 

sorry so many questions.  Just trying to get everything figured out, logistically, while I'm waiting to find out when I need to head down there.  Right now everything is just very up in the air.

[Jaz]

  The seats on the plane are so small and the distance so tight that it makes using any car seat quite unpleasant.  So I don't recommend it except for an infant. 

 

I agree.

[Pink and Green Mom]

When I have flown with kids I have never used a car seat or any type of special seat.  They either had their own seat or were a lap child.

 

As far as a will, if there is a old will and it has never been expressly revoked (state law will tell you how you revoke a will), the old will stands.  Doesn't matter how old it is.  There are some state laws about children and spouses (called a pretermitted heir or pretermitted spouse) and what they get if they aren't specifically mentioned or "disinherited" in the will but otherwise an old will is valid so long as it was never revoked.  It is my understanding that the debts are paid by the estate before assets are distributed.  If you are mentioned in a will, you should get a letter within a few weeks from the Executor and/or attorney handling the estate telling you that you are mentioned in the will.  If you are not mentioned, and this is your mom, you may have rights under the pretermitted heir laws of your state and should seek the advice of an attorney.

 

My experience with funerals is quite limited.  However, when my grandfather passed away, he was cremated and his memorial service was 3 weeks later.  My grandmother passed away right before Christmas and she was cremated and there hasn't been a memorial service for her yet. It all just depends. When my husband's aunt died, she was cremated and her ashes were scattered in the ocean.  It involved family members dressed in beach attire at the dock.  It all varies widely.

 

As for what to wear, I think you will see everything from formal, traditional black to regular every day clothes.  I would not necessarily go out and buy new clothes and shoes for your kids to wear to this one time event if they will never wear those clothes again.  But that is just me.  I would also wait to see how formal or informal a memorial service is going to be before making any final decisions.

[edelweiss]

As far as the car seat thing, when my girls were really little, I always flew with them in their car seats.  I can't remember when I stopped putting them in their car seats (I'm thinking that it was probably until they were 3), but I am sure that by age 4, they were just sitting in the regular airplane seat.  

[G5052]

 

Is there usually a memorial service when someone is cremated?  (I would find it strange to have nothing, but I haven't known anyone who chose to be cremated - though I think I may want to, personally - so I just have no frame of reference for this!  Sorry if my questions sound stupid!   :) )  If there is, what should we wear?  Funeral attire?  I had asked a few weeks ago about what would be appropriate for the boys to wear -- they both have jackets (suit jackets/blazers/sports coat - whatever you call them in your neck of the woods).  They wanted black so that's what they have.  Should they wear those?  If not, what would be good?  I feel like they need to be more dressed up than, say, church on Sundays (khakis/jeans with no holes, polo shirt, generally).  

I was thinking of running to Belk this afternoon (the only store in our town! :lol: ) and picking up a pair of nice khakis for each of them, and possibly a button up shirt (I'll check what they have that fits, first, to see if that's necessary).  What about shoes?  They don't have any dress shoes.  I can look at our local shoe store and see if they have anything.  

What about me?  What would you wear for your estranged mom's memorial service??  

 

 

sorry so many questions.  Just trying to get everything figured out, logistically, while I'm waiting to find out when I need to head down there.  Right now everything is just very up in the air.

 

Your clothing plans sound fine.  Color isn't really an issue in most areas.  I tend to wear darker colors, but I'm old-fashioned.  I wore a maroon dress at both of my parent's funerals.  Very few men had ties.

 

Now days there are the whole range of arrangements.  Some people are cremated and spread or buried with no services other than a few family members at the final resting place.  Others have a big service.

 

My mother had a memorial service on Sunday, and burial was on Monday with just family.  She was cremated, so it was just a box brought up by the funeral director.

 

As for the will and finances, the executor is in charge of all of that.  Some people also have a legal document with their wishes for burial.

[QueenCat]

As far as the plane goes, I'd just check the car seat and have your child sit in a regular seat.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Lanny]

My mother was cremated and there was a Memorial service.

 

The most recent Will is valid.  As long as it had not been revoked/replaced it is valid. Hopefully, it was written in the same state where the deceased was a resident at the time of passing.

 

Any debts (medical bills, etc.) the  estate has should be paid for (if possible) with assets from the estate.

 

I think your kids should wear the same kind of clothes they would wear to a church service.

 

If there is no Will, the state has written one for the deceased and the state law will be followed.

[vonfirmath]

When DS flew when he was 5, we took the Evenflo Maestro because he would be driving home. (Otherwise I would have packed a booster instead). My husband installed it on the plane and he sat on it, no sweat.

 

So far, we've installed the Britax Marathon, Roundabout50, and the Evenflo Maestro on the airplane at various times. Some RFing and some FFing. No issues.

[gardenmom5]

she would always have had a regular seat.  only under twos are in arms.  car seats are more to keep them restrained and give peace of mind to mom, but they don't make much difference in an airplane as far as safety is concerned.  you can check the car seat for use at the other end, and the airlines don't generallly charge for that.

[maize]

There would be a service if someone arranges a service. Who will be handling her affairs? That is the person to ask questions of.

[Guest]

I don't have a lot of advice, but here are the short bits I do know.

 

What to wear:  Sunday clothes are fine.

Memorial service:  Yes if that is what the survivors want.  

Flying with a 5yo:  Buy a seat, and bring a "Busy Bag"--things to do in the seat.  

 

I am no help on the legal front, but when you said asked who was responsible to pay her bills--it comes out of her estate.  You personally are not responsible for bills incurred by another.  The executor is in charge of this.  

 

I'm sorry there is so much awry in this situation.  But the what to wear and how to fly things are pretty easy...so don't let them stress you out. 

 

[Storygirl]

My aunt had debt when she died. She did not have assets to cover the debts, and no one else had to pay. She was single. The legalities may be different if there is a surviving spouse (I don't know).

 

My grandmother wished to be cremated. In her case, we had a traditional funeral with an open casket viewing prior to the cremation. The funeral home had rental caskets for this purpose (strange to think about, but true). I believe the funeral home tries to accommodate whatever the family prefers, so I imagine there is a wide variety of options. Whoever is planning the memorial will have help from a funeral director when making these decisions. I'm sure you could even have calling hours without a formal memorial service if the desire is just to give friends and family a time to gather in remembrance.

 

A couple of years ago I attended a service for someone who had already been cremated. The remains were not there during the memorial service, but there were several poster boards with pictures from the woman's life and many flower arrangements.

[RootAnn]

We brought the car seats with us when we flew - two were ok to use in the airplane and one was just a booster that we gate-checked. It was easier to bring our car seats with us than rely on a rental company to provide them as they often have expired/wrong size seats. Gate-check your seat if you bring it & don't use it on the plane. We strapped them onto our rolling luggage with the LATCH straps and a carabiner to haul the car seats around the airport. (We did NOT have the kids in the car seats when we were rolling them around. It was just a way to get the car seats where we needed them with the available hands.) Worked brilliantly.

 

You don't want to take fashion advice from me -- I'd wear my everyday sandals and a casual dress to the funeral.memorial service. 

[umsami]

Re: cremation and memorial services…where I live at least, the trend seems to be cremation right after death (so no need for embalming)…and then a memorial service in a month or so, to give the family time to process some grief and make it more positive (celebration of their life).

 

As for clothes, I think your outfits sound fine.  Things are more relaxed these days, but we tend to stick to darker colors or at least more "formal" wear.

[Incognito]

You don't need or want a carseat on the plane, but you will want one at your destination.  If you need to bring one, perhaps a booster would work.  Check local laws.

 

Sorry for your loss.

[Lieutenant Stranger]

I don't know about others-- but I do know funerals.

 

A funeral, whether there's a cremation or a burial, is optional. I've been to funerals for people who were to be cremated and the body was there. (Open casket viewing beforehand, closed during the service in the church.) Sometimes, people just have memorial services without the body. Some people bypass all that hooplah and maybe just say "everyone go out to eat together!" 

 

As for the will, pretty sure that once one is there, as long as it is able to be found, then it is good. 

[Mrs Mungo]

How do you fly with a 5 year old??

Usually by 5, my kids just sit in the normal seat. I check the car seat to use on the other end.

 

 

As far as other stuff goes - what should I expect if the family member wanted to be cremated? A memorial service?

Yes, there is normally a memorial service when someone is cremated.

 

If there is, what should we wear? Funeral attire? I had asked a few weeks ago about what would be appropriate for the boys to wear -- they both have jackets (suit jackets/blazers/sports coat - whatever you call them in your neck of the woods). They wanted black so that's what they have. Should they wear those?

Yes, IMO.

 

What about shoes? They don't have any dress shoes. I can look at our local shoe store and see if they have anything.

Payless, Target, etc usually have something cheap and appropriate.

 

What about me? What would you wear for your estranged mom's memorial service??

I would wear a dark dress or dark slacks, blouse and jacket/sweater.

[PeacefulChaos]

Thanks, all.

I just got back on here so I didn't see some of the replies til today.  

 

We drove down.  It was a 6 hour drive - once I knew we were all going at the same time, it was a no-brainer.  We left in the wee hours of Sunday morning to make it down in time for the planning meeting with the funeral home at 1pm.  

I had never been in on the inner workings of 'after death' before, so this was like a 101 in it for me.  I had been around my grandparents and my grandma's siblings when they were planning funerals for my great-grandparents, but not involved with it.  It's not really something I ever care to do again-  but who does, right? ;)  

 

We had a memorial service on Tuesday.  We knew there was no point in dragging it out.  I don't know why anyone would wait months, BUT we knew there would be only a few of us in attendance and we were the ones who were planning it, so it just made sense to go ahead and do it.  

I doubt she had a will.  The only reason it would have possibly come in handy would be for any handling of the ashes/cremains after cremation.  I know she had nothing as far as assets, so it was never even in my mind for that reason.  

 

We wore general funeral attire - I didn't make the boys wear their jackets because it's hot in Georgia in July for one, but mostly it was because I knew no one else would be.  No one wore ties and such - I wore a dress I found at Cato on Saturday.  I didn't love the dress, but it was better than what I had (usually in the summer I stick to sundresses, so all my nice dresses are more 'cold weather' suited - I have a ton of those! And maxi skirts lol... and I didn't feel like wearing my dress pants).  My grandma and my aunt wore dress pants - I think my brother was the only one in a tie, but it was with a short sleeve button down shirt so still a little more casual.  

I did find nice khakis for the boys at Belk, and bought some cheap dress shoes at our local shoe store for Link - Astro wore an older pair of Link's shoes that looked a little better than what he had, since we couldn't find any dress shoes to fit him in town.  (We have no Target, Payless, or anything else here in town, so there would have been no way to look further.  We have one little shoe store that's okay.  And that's it.)

 

Anyway, we came back after the service Tuesday, it was a busy, whirlwind few days.  

 

Now I just need to figure out what to do with these cremains... :svengo:  

[Incognito]

I'm glad you were able to do what you needed to and that your family could all go together.  

[trinchick]

 

Now I just need to figure out what to do with these cremains... :svengo:

 

 

My brother died last year, and his ashes were spread at sea. I think his partner had some service do this for him, since he sent us all a certificate with the latitude/longitude some months after his death (not that we'll go to visit the site, but anyway...)

 

My grandmother's cremains from 16 years ago are in a closet upstairs in my house. Now that I've had them so long, I can't bring myself to do anything with them. My recommendation is to think of something, and then do it quickly so this doesn't happen to you.

 

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[vonfirmath]

About the plane thing - I figure if the plane is going down, a car seat isn't helping. We use them to contain infants and toddlers on the plane, and once they're hitting preschool and can sit comfortably with the lap belt we use that. But a five year old wouldn't have a car seat in our family, too much trouble for zero payoff. Our kids sit nicely by about three, with only the occasional poking the sibling and ants in the pants ;)

 

WE took the car seat for the five year old NOT because we were concerned about him sitting in it but because he needed it on the other end.

And we didn't want to 1) Buy a cheap seat on the other end or 2) Depend on any kind of rental seat. we'd rather use our own. Oh and 3) I don't trust a seat that is gate checked to not be thrown around. (i've had a gate checked stroller broken before.)