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How are children being forgotten in hot cars?


GinaPagnato
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I read this article:  http://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/unimaginable-loss-13-children-died-hot-cars-year-n136871

 

I'm sitting here thinking how horrific the pain and guilt must be for these parents whose actions caused their kids' deaths.

 

But...I can't understand how a parent could forget their child in the backseat of the car. Even if they're sleeping, how can a parent not remember that their child is with them? How can you go to work having forgotten that you didn't drop your child off at daycare? I'm not judging them, because Lord knows the searing pain they must feel.

I just can't wrap my mind around the concept that a parent loads their kid up in the car, drives to their destination, and gets out without the child.

 

How frequently does this happen, minus the devastating cases cited in the article?

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When you're a parent you have a lot on your mind, and I guess some things just slip by.

Some parents out here (Arizona) have had their children die in a car while they pop into the store to shop, or to go to work. There was one case I recall where this woman left her kids in a hot car for a job interview, and some petition went around to get her her children back.

 

It's unfortunate, but it does happen. It's a very hot topic here, as well as drowning in pools/tubs.

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Typically it is the parent that doesn't normally do it as part of their routine.  They get into tunnel mode of their daily routine and if the child isn't making noise because they are asleep, I can see forgetting.

 

I sometimes I am driving my kids around to various activities and I get into my routine of where I am going and sometimes I end up at the wrong activity.  The other day I  drove to my DD's dance studio instead of the boy's swimming lessons. I was used to going to dance at that time and the swimming was new.

 

I am not trying to excuse it and I think it is horribly tragic, but I can understand at least on some level why it happens.

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I can imagine a scenario in which two parents work and take turns dropping junior off at daycare, but the "turns" are not regular - more of an "I have a meeting this morning, will you do it" sort of thing.  Mom thinks she's helping and buckles junior in Dad's car on her way out the door, junior falls asleep in the car seat while he's waiting for Dad, Dad forgets it's his turn to drop junior off and goes to work... 

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I cannot imagine doing it, either, but I really can see how it could happen exactly like Amy in NH said.

 

We are so busy, so over-scheduled, so focused on our routines and our activities and our jobs and <<insert whatever distracts you here>>, that I could absolutely see it happening.

 

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I try not to be too high and mighty on these things, because it happens to good parents too.  As loowit pointed out, usually it's because of a change in routine.  I've never done it, thankfullyĂ¢â‚¬Â¦.but I have been so engrossed in thought that I've driven past my neighborhood or done something else.  Could I forget a sleeping infant?  Probably not as a SAHMĂ¢â‚¬Â¦.but if I had to drop him/her off at daycareĂ¢â‚¬Â¦.and I breezed by daycare deep in thought and just assumed I had dropped the baby offĂ¢â‚¬Â¦it's possible.

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html

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How frequently does this happen, minus the devastating cases cited in the article?

 

The NBC article you link took the numbers from kidsandcars.org

http://www.kidsandcars.org/statistics.html

 

Usually the child is forgotten because it is not the usual parent that is bringing the child to daycare.

 

The temperature inside the car heats up a lot faster than most people expect

 

"Outside Temp   Time it Takes to Heat Up               Internal Car Temp

75                               10 minutes                                  100

75                                30 minutes                                  120

85                                5 minutes                                    90

85                                7Ă¢â‚¬â€œ10 minutes                             100

85                               30 minutes                                  120

90                               20 minutes                                  120

100                            15 minutes                                   140"  Source

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There was one time when my youngest was only a few months old, and I went to Target and she fell asleep, that if my oldest hadn't also been with me, I think I would have forgotten she was in the car. It terrified me that I was so tired and she was so quite that I could have had that kind of lapse, but there it was.

 

There was also a local story a few years back about two parents, both of whom were doctors, who had changed their routine, and their baby ended up forgotten in the car and died. It was awful, and made me realize how easy it would be to do if you were exhausted and doing something out of the ordinary.

 

When you're tired, I think anything can happen, even if it's something you could never imagine happening to you.

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Ugh..it kinda makes me angry and emotional.  I really don't get it.

 

I dunno why this bothers me so much.

 

I used to not get it. Forgetting your own BABY? My babies were strapped to me in slings and carriers, I was always, always aware of where they were. It was impossible to even imagine how I could forget my baby in the car.

 

Now, I find myself forgetting things all the time. There are a million of things on my mind + feeling somewhat depressed and overwhelmed + multi tasking. I've burned 3 pots in the last two weeks. Two of them in a row. Ruined so much food.

 

Now, before we compare babies to burned dinner. I know it is not at all the same. And yet now it is easier for me to imagine a situation where a new mom is still hormonal / post partum, preoccupied with thinking about her bills being late, her boyfriend being a jerk, a grocery list, in-laws coming out of town. PLUS over tired / lacks sleep. A change of routine in a situation like this can throw a person off. Big time. Very tragic, and I used to have almost no compassion to those who "forgot" their babies in cars. Now I can understand them better.

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I guess I don't know how parents get their kids out of their mind.  That's all I seem to think about. 

 

One of mine is not here this week.  He is with grandpa.  I can't stop thinking about him.  I still look back and assume he is in the back seat.  I suppose that would be different if he weren't usually there. 

 

That's just it.  Your normal is for him to be with you, so it's strange for you to have him not be there.  

 

People get used to their routines and whatever is normal for them.  If it's not normal for you to have your baby, and you have the world on your mind.....who knows?

 

It's awful.  I cannot imagine the pain of these parents.  

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Maybe someone needs to come up with a device that says, "did you check your backseat" when you open your car door.

 

If parents get into the habit of putting the phone/briefcase/purse on the floor of the backseat, they have to open the back door. I think so many of us are apt to space out a bit while driving a familiar route that there has to be another habit to overcome it, especially for the typically sleep-deprived parent of an infant and especially when there is a parent who doesn't always have the child with him/her.

 

I suspect that remote locks also exacerbate the problem, in that people look at the key fob while walking away instead of stopping and looking in the window to see if a lock is pushed down.

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Maybe someone needs to come up with a device that says, "did you check your backseat" when you open your car door.

 

Should be easy. My new car won't let me take the key out unless I'm in "park." Genius.

 

Here's an app prototype:

 

http://vimeo.com/88904447

 

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I was going to link to that WaPo article but I see the lovely Usami beat me to it. It's a great investigation and I came away from it with a lot more empathy for the parents and a better understanding of the issue.

I remember one lines, if you can forget your cell phone you can forget a kid.

Just now I got off routine and totally distracted and came home to find out I had left both the front and back doors wide open. I have never done that. Security is very important to me. But, get me out of my routine and I forgot. It was so out of character the kids thought we had been robbed. Nope, just a distracted mom.

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My dh forgot one of our babies in the long term airport parking lot. When he met me and the other kids in the airport, I asked him where the baby was. The look on his face was priceless, and he tore off back to the parking lot. Thank God it was not a more serious situation.

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I might be the only one to admit it, but I've done it. Ran to the store with DS who had fallen asleep in his car seat. I got out of the car and saw a friend. Chatted with her for a few minutes in the parking lot. As I entered the store I saw a little boy who looked my DS. I gasped and RAN back to the car.

 

So scary. I feel for those parents who have had a child die. :(

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I might be the only one to admit it, but I've done it. Ran to the store with DS who had fallen asleep in his car seat. I got out of the car and saw a friend. Chatted with her for a few minutes in the parking lot. As I entered the store I saw a little boy who looked my DS. I gasped and RAN back to the car.

 

So scary. I feel for those parents who have had a child die. :(

Me too. We were visiting friends on a trip to Florida - our 4th was 6mo at the time. We got to their house and everyone jumped out and ran around so excited to see our friends. They showed us around their house and talked about the fire ants and after about 20 minutes we sat down for a drink of water. And then it hit me - where is the baby? He was still in the van - screaming his head off but otherwise was OK. I still get slightly sick thinking about how very bad things could have turned out.
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My younger brother was left sleeping in the back of our SUV and he wasn't a quiet baby. He became tired on our ride home and crawled into the far back and went to sleep. We all just expected him to follow us inside like normal then someone noticed he wasn't there. He was fine but we lived in Texas and it could have been bad, though he was older so maybe he would have woken up and got out himself.

 

This was always one of my worst nightmares. I feel so bad for the parents.

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I did it once. I went to the grocery store with the then-baby and an older child. I was having the older one write a grocery list and I was focused on that. The baby never made a peep all the way to the store. We pulled in to the spot, still talking, got out, locked the doors and went into the store. We hadn't been inside for more than a few seconds when my daughter said, "Wait! didn't we bring Mia?" My heart lept into my throat when I realized what I'd done.

 

Taking the baby to the store was definitely outside my usual routine. My oldest was a teen and I had five children at home. Usually going to the store was a chance for one on one attention with a rotating cast if characters. She was a thumb sucker, so very quiet, and our van seats completely blocked the back seat.

 

I also drove an hour once before I realized I neglected to buckle the car seat. Sometimes I wonder how I've managed to keep seven children alive and undamaged.

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I think I've forgotten everything BUT my children.

They're lucky they got older before their turn came around. I don't get it, but I can't imagine being used to not having your kids around.

I don't think it's that.

 

I suppose some people actually spend 100% of their time in their baby's presence (waking or sleeping, never having another person assume responsibility to care for or hold the child). That's conceivably possible, but it's surely unusual.

 

Other than that case, all of us have has times when we feel perfectly comfortable (or at least reasonably settled) with a baby napping in another room, or getting diaper changed by dad, or spending an afternoon with grandma, or just being held by a friend while we turn our attention elsewhere.

 

We all have a "not got baby, but things are fine" mental space. The problem occurs when a parent enters that mental space accidentally, and things are NOT fine.

 

I don't think that it's actually a problem that the mental space exists. It's not the same as saying that people are just "used to not having their kids around" in some kind of general way.

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I forgot I had a baby once. Thankfully he wasn't in the car. I had a new baby, my second, and we went to a playtime. He fell asleep in the car seat and I didn't want wake him so I put him in a room off to the side. The playgroup went on and I was chatting with friends and drinking coffee. Meanwhile there was this baby fussing. It was pretty loud with all the kids playing, but I did wonder why no one was picking up that fussy baby. Finally a friend put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I heard the baby. What baby? My baby? I don't have a baby, I have a 4 year old. Oh, wait, what? I did have a baby last week, didn't I?

I was so embarrassed. I forgot my son existed, totally forgot.

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It must be so awful for these parents :-(  I can imagine it happening though - as others have said, a change in routine and flying on autopilot. 

 

I managed to leave my new born DD at home alone once - she was asleep in her hammock and I grabbed DS and shot out to do a quick job.  It was only when I came back to the car after doing it and looked through the back window and realised her seat was empty that I realised.  (She was fine - still asleep, never knew we were gone).  All I can say is that it was a momentary brain fade.  Fortunately not a tragic one. 

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I guess I don't know how parents get their kids out of their mind. That's all I seem to think about.

 

One of mine is not here this week. He is with grandpa. I can't stop thinking about him. I still look back and assume he is in the back seat. I suppose that would be different if he weren't usually there.

I don't understand it too. I have hectic life with full time job and a bundle activities, I can't imaging forgetting my kids in the car, sure I forgot to put the gas cap back once a while after get gas, but a child in hot weather? ...

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Living in a small town, Walmart is one of the few places to shop. I can't count the number of times I've turned on that street to go somewhere, gotten distracted, and found myself pulling into the Walmart parking lot. When I was really on my way to tutor, or to the bank... I just have so much on my mind sometimes, and I could totally see me forgetting a sleeping kid.     

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I think there's a danger in thinking you would never forget. That's the problem - it can happen to anyone.

 

I think this is worth repeating.

 

My DH takes the kids to school. When he is out of town, I take the kids to school on my way to work. I have, on a number of occasions, turned the wrong way out of our street because my morning routine is to go to work. My kids, being awake and older, tell me I've turned the wrong way. 

 

I have also made the wrong turn on the way to the soccer fields. I get used to going to Marathon Park. Then it starts getting dark earlier, so we switch to Mud Creek because it has lights. I have a number of times ended up at Marathon with a car full of noisy soccer boys because none of us has realized we are going to the wrong park. Luckily, I am one of those perpetually early people and the two parks are not far from each other.

 

My best friend in middle school's mom forgot her at the grocery store. Mrs. C left Shannon with the cart at the curb in front of the store. Mrs. C planned to get the car, pull up to the curb, and load the groceries in the parcel pick up line. Mrs. C drove home instead of picking up Shannon and the groceries. She did that multiple times. 

 

So, yes, I think there is a danger in thinking you would never forget. That is the problem. It can happen to anyone.

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I can understand it.

 

A couple weeks after Spencer was born I put him up for a nap and was playing with the bigger boys.  We got busy and a while later decided to go for a walk.  We were out in the driveway closing the garage door when I remembered that I had a baby upstairs asleep.  I didn't even remember him spontaneously; it took seeing a burp cloth slung across the stroller handle to forcibly remind me.  They say it takes 21 days to form a new habit.  Spencer hadn't been alive that long, so he wasn't habitually part of my routine yet.  A parent of any age child could experience something similar if there is a change in routine.

 

I feel tremendous sympathy for parents who make a mistake very similar to mine, but with disastrous consequences.

 

Wendy

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I once forgot I had a baby *in my sling*. She was 4 weeks old, and DH took the older two to the swimming pool, and I was strolling down the street, thinking that I'll be home in a few minutes, and I'll take a shower all by myself, and maybe watch a show on TV and enjoy my kid-free time. It was pure bliss for quite a few minutes before I realized that I did have the baby with me.

 

 

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I hestitate to admit this just because I worry of things I say online coming back to haunt me but I feel like I need to defend these parents to some degree.  I've done it too.  In my case I had a bunch of errands to run and one of them was just running into a grocery store to grab one item for dinner.  All day I planned to not have my 18 mo old with me on this quick errand.  But he fussed when I went to leave him so I just took him with me.  I must have been distracted and he was quiet in the car because I just forgot about him until I got back in.  It was such an awful feeling and I was so fearful the police would have been called.  In my case it was definitely because as I envisioned this errand all day I was not planning on having the baby.  So, I can see how it can happen.  I didn't used to get it but I totally do now. 

 

I'm a super attentive parent.  I am not selfish or neglectful or on drugs or alcohol. 

Me too. We were visiting friends on a trip to Florida - our 4th was 6mo at the time. We got to their house and everyone jumped out and ran around so excited to see our friends. They showed us around their house and talked about the fire ants and after about 20 minutes we sat down for a drink of water. And then it hit me - where is the baby? He was still in the van - screaming his head off but otherwise was OK. I still get slightly sick thinking about how very bad things could have turned out.

 

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Yes, most of these are incredibly tragic accidents.  Then there are those that aren't=  I remember a few cases of parents who left kids in the car on purpose- like they didn't have day care (and they thought since it was night, it was okay- but since it was still really hot outside- like the 90's= it wasn't.) or the mom who left her daughter in the car while she went to party.  Again, she thought that since she locked the door, her kid would be safe in that car- not true since the kid got cooked,.

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I can imagine it.  I can remember being so sleep deprived or simply so overwhelmed with parenting (especially a special needs kid) that I got in the car and drove off and never arrived at the intended place, but found myself someplace completely different.  I can also imagine being so overloaded with stuff to think about ... presentation at 9, lunch with boss at noon, phone appointment, calling child's specialist about some illness, etc ...

 

I have never done it but the fear of forgetting my kids was often a subject of my anxiety dreams.  It's a good think I stopped at 3 or I am sure I would have been one of those people you read about.  There were days that I didn't know my own name.

 

ETA:  I didn't drink (still don't), no drug use, was breastfeeding and was very securely attached to my kids.   But, there by the grace of God, I go. 

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We were headed to VBS one year and as we pulled into the church parking lot I was giving direction about where my six children needed to be. They jumped out, ran into the building, and I followed. Fifteen minutes later I realized I had forgotten an item necessary for the class I was teaching. Opened the van and there was my next to the youngest sound asleep. I was sick--literally. When I walked back in the building, everyone kept asking what was wrong. I guess I was white as a sheet. There but by the grace of God ...

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I don't think it's that.

I suppose some people actually spend 100% of their time in their baby's presence (waking or sleeping, never having another person assume responsibility to care for or hold the child). That's conceivably possible, but it's surely unusual.

Other than that case, all of us have has times when we feel perfectly comfortable (or at least reasonably settled) with a baby napping in another room, or getting diaper changed by dad, or spending an afternoon with grandma, or just being held by a friend while we turn our attention elsewhere.

We all have a "not got baby, but things are fine" mental space. The problem occurs when a parent enters that mental space accidentally, and things are NOT fine.

I don't think that it's actually a problem that the mental space exists. It's not the same as saying that people are just "used to not having their kids around" in some kind of general way.

I disagree. The whole point of the article is that people forget because their routine changed. They are used to being alone in the car and auto-piloting to work. They are used to someone else being responsible for that segment of the day and it was never on their perpetual to-do list. Other people are used to being constantly in charge of the baby and may have trouble switching to a mental space where they are free to not be on kid alert even if someone else is watching the baby at the moment. My son is at camp this week. I've gone to check on him twice and he's a teenager! It's just in my muscle memory.

 

At the ages we're discussing, it's NOT unusual for some parents to have their kids around them so constantly that their auto-pilot is set to always check for the kid. Other parents are used to someone else doing the bulk of the care, so they haven't formed the physical habit of always opening that back door and unbuckling that car seat. It's not a judgement. It's just a fact that if the kid stays home, or if the other parent usually does drop-off, a parent who only does it sporadically simply won't be in the habit.

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Until recently, my kids were always with me. There never were "drop off" type activities. I had all two, then three, then four of them at all times.

 

Now, I've been leaving my older two at gymnastics a few days a week.

 

It's thrown a huge wrench in my mental calculations. Who's here? Who's supposed to be here? Who's hiding out in a quiet place doing Legos? Who's gone missing? Who's asleep? It takes a lot more gray matter to figure out if all of those in my care are safe and accounted for than it did when I had everyone, always.

 

I watched a friend's child today, and for a few hours all four non-baby kids played so well that I honestly forgot he was here. 

 

I think I'm a good parent. I'm also highly reliant on routines. These were out of step for me. 

 

I wonder the trend to have rear-facing babies until 2 or older will make this more common. It's a lot easier to forget someone if you can't see him in your rearview mirror.

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Maybe someone needs to come up with a device that says, "did you check your backseat" when you open your car door.

 

This actually was just talked about on the news in a slightly different way.

I forget the name, but they were talking about a device that hooks up to your carseat, the rest of the device goes under the passenger seat. It then has a loud continous beeping noise that it makes to tell you that the baby is in the seat. Then if you leave the car and the baby is still in it, it'll make your car horn go off continously.

 

Sounds like a sound idea, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was a vast amount of flaws to it as well.

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My parents, who are wonderful with kids and would lay down their lives for us, forgot me at the grocery store parking lot when I was an infant. I had been born the week before and this was the first time they went shopping with a baby. They had the bagged groceries in the main part of the cart and I was bundled up in the little elevated space where kids can sit. They loaded the groceries and drove away, leaving me in the little section. Outside. In winter. In the Midwest.

 

I used to ride on my mom's lap in the front seat, no car seats. She wasn't used to having a baby in her lap so they went home, unloaded the groceries, and realized I was missing. They went back to the store and there I was, still in the parking lot. 

 

I show no permanent damage except I insist on living in warm places. Coincidence?

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Just saying ... maybe this is just another reason to never leave your children in the car alone.  If you do this on a regular basis, I think it would be easier to forget they were in there.  If you never leave your child/ren in the car alone, you are more likely to not forget they are there.  I never left my daughter in the car and at no point did I forget where she was.

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I can see how this could happen if a routine was changed up and you had a child with you when you typically don't. Or if you have a sleeping kiddo in the back seat. Or if you're overtired from being a new parent. It's scary how easily it could happen. That said, I don't think anyone could ever forget my kid because he never stops talking. Ever. He's been asleep for over an hour and I can still hear him, because his mouth didn't stop moving for 14 hours straight today. Sometimes he even talks in his sleep. I can count on one hand the number of times he slept in the car - he mostly screamed as a baby when we drove anywhere and never sleeps because he is very prone to motion sickness. Did I mention the talking? :-D

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Just saying ... maybe this is just another reason to never leave your children in the car alone.  If you do this on a regular basis, I think it would be easier to forget they were in there.  If you never leave your child/ren in the car alone, you are more likely to not forget they are there.  I never left my daughter in the car and at no point did I forget where she was.

 

I don't know of anyone who leaves their kids in the car alone at an age when they are too young to get themselves out.

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Maybe someone needs to come up with a device that says, "did you check your backseat" when you open your car door.

On interstate 65 a couple days ago the electronic highway alert signs actually had a message that said something like "Where's Baby? Check your backseat". I think it was the first in our stretch of 90+ degree days.

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I'm another one who did this.  We were moving and I only had my 6 week old with me.  I jumped out of the car to wave dh and the moving van in, then a bunch of friends walked up and were excited to see our home for the first time.  I let them in, showed them around (a thankfully very small house), and then I suddenly remembered the baby.  Ran out and he was sound asleep.  I was lucky.

 

It's easy to be self-righteous about these things when they never happened to you.  It's not about being uncaring or so used to being without your kids that you just *poof* forget them.  It's about being out of routine.  It's about the way the brain works.  The deeply rutted out routines and paths that your body goes through every day. Or in my case, I think my ADD brain/exhaustion/stress/excitement were all players.

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I never ever understood how it was possible and thought it could NEVER happen to me. Until is so totally did happen to me.

 

Yes, I forget my infant in a car. It was a little over 5 years ago. Fortunately it was a February or March Seattle day and he was sleeping like a rock and I remembered him in a panic before anything bad happened.

 

It was a strange set of circumstances. My older son was 5 and at school. At least I think he was school, it's been awhile. My father picked up my baby son from me so that I could be at the hospital with my mother and discuss some options with her doctors (this was about 4 months before she died). At little bit later my dad brought baby to the hospital so I could nurse. At this point I was done talking to the doctors and was tired. I decided to drive home and get some rest. My dad had brought him to me in his infant car seat and the stroller car seat frame. I don't know what I was thinking but I think it's that I hadn't had him on the way there, that I somehow forgot that he was there on the way home. If probably didn't help that my dad had walked me to the car and helped me get the car seat in so I hadn't clicked in the seat myself. My dad was heading to pick up my older son I think. My younger son was a very sleepy, small baby, the sort of baby you have to rouse to feed in the night. I got home. I parked on the street. I went inside. I was alone. I fell asleep. I woke up with a start like "something is not right!" And ran to the car where he was sleeping. I am honestly not sure how long he was there and had it been a warm day, it was long enough for it to be a tragedy.

 

You'd better believe I was always very careful to check the backseat after that. It was extremely frightening.

 

I think I read it is more common when there is a break of routine. Like dad normally does the am daycare drop off but mom is doing it today and she drives to her office instead or something. In my case, there was very little routine because I was caring for my mom and new son while dealing with pretty severe ppd. While all new parents are tired, I was at the limit because in addition to a newborn, I was constantly at the hospital or medical stuff with my mom and my baby was gaining slowly and we were on an alarm clock to rouse him for feeding every two hours. I am pretty sure one of the reasons I woke up was because my body was like "time to feed baby".

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