Going back to the U.S. in one week and I am a giant ball of ANXIETY

[Heather in Neverland]

I haven't seen my family and friends in two years and I am so happy that I get to spend a few weeks with them.

 

BUT

 

I am filled with anxiety. 

 

I have been in Malaysia for five years and I am changed... a different person than when I left. My family back in the states does not accept this.

 

They don't really want to hear much about my life here. They will politely look at pics but they don't really care. They just want me to come back and we all pick up where we left off and all of this never happened.

 

Except that I am not the same person from five years ago. I think differently about LOTS of things now.

 

In addition, the culture shock of going back always gets me. It's much stronger than when I came here. The last time I was home two years ago it shocked me how hard it was to adjust. Coming here, I expected everything to be weird, and fun and different and difficult. Going back there I thought it would be like putting on an old pair of jeans. But it wasn't.

 

In my effort to blend in with the culture here, I had forgotten many things about the culture back home and I was overwhelmed. This time I know that's coming and instead of making it better it's made it worse.

 

I am probably not making a lot of sense right now because I am a bundle of nerves.  :willy_nilly:

 

[happi duck]

Your post brings back memories. I remember the shocking realization that our families didn't really care about our life "away". We were just supposed to slip back in our slot and go on like nothing ever happened.

 

Your nerves are understandable! Hang in there!!!

[Heather in Neverland]

Your post brings back memories. I remember the shocking realization that our families didn't really care about our life "away". We were just supposed to slip back in our slot and go on like nothing ever happened.

 

Your nerves are understandable! Hang in there!!!

 

Glad to know my family is not the only one like that.

 

I have a few friends who are TRULY interested and ask questions and are fascinated to learn about other cultures. I'm that way, too. If someone in my family moved to a foreign country I would pepper them with questions about it!

 

It is just so odd to me that so many people actually have no interest whatsoever in any culture other than their own. 

[diplomum]

Heather, you're not alone! This is not my blog post, but eloquently sums up some home truths. She also does a nice job of reminding the ex-pats to extend courtesy and understanding. Sometimes in our life people get a bit arrogant about how folks back home just don't understand. Anyway, I liked this article. I hope you enjoy it, too. http://www.thecultureblend.com/?p=1444

 

[Laura Corin]

Yes - it's really hard.  I learned to not talk about my life overseas for more than a sentence or so, then ask exclusively about life in the home country.  It was hurtful that no one seemed to care about my life, but I think it was just hard for people to imagine, so they couldn't enter fully into it.

 

L

[Camelfeet]

I'm eagerly anticipating my trip home to Canada.  I don't have anxiety about it, except over leaving my cats.  We have a count down app on our phone - 43.3790 days left!  ;)

 

I think its hard not to become the "this one time, at band camp" girl.  I have a tendency to want to chime in with my awesome experiences all the time but most people get sick of hearing about it unless its shocking or completely bizarre.  Its not that they aren't interested in you or your life, its just that they aren't interested in hearing the nitty gritty details over and over and over again - and the perceived negative comparison with their own lives.  Hearing you say great things about another country and all the cool things you've done over and over again can kinda give one the thought that maybe where live isn't great or exciting in comparison.  

 

Its a bit like talking about a movie or a tv series repeatedly that they won't ever get to see.  Or talking about an awesome party they weren't invited to.    

 

You said it was your expectations that made things easy and difficult when you moved.  So, if you can, change the expectations.  I do not treat going home like going home.  I treat it like being a tourist on vacation.  :)  I plan all the things I want to do while I'm there, same as I do when I travel to new places.  When talking to family, I always speak excitedly about the things my family and friends can "do" for us or experience with us while we are visiting.  Little things like how much I look forward to grabbing a timmy hos on the way home from the airport and eating junk food like poutine and things made with pork.  Or bigger events like fishing and camping.  And we just try to be super positive about the experiences we are having that we can't get in Dubai.  I have found that acting just a bit like a happy tourist rather than a citizen-coming-home makes people realize you are different, but in a way they can relate too and a way that makes them happy.        

 

These are JMHOs, of course!  YMMV....       

[Lanny]

@Heather Try to relax and you will enjoy your time in the states. Overseas Americans are different from  those who have never lived in another country. That does not make us (or them) "better", but it does make us different. I'd read, many years ago, before moving from Texas, that the "culture shock", when an Overseas American moves back to the USA is far worse than the "culture shock" they experienced when they moved overseas.  I have a childhood friend (we have been friends since the age of 12 or 13) who lived overseas most of his adult life. He moved back to the USA about 8 years ago. I think it was easier for him to make the transition to life in the USA, because he had made trips there, once or twice a year, for business or vacations, when he lived overseas. Enjoy the shopping and visiting with the friends and family who welcome your visit. Remember that you will be suffering from jet lag for at least one week after you arrive in the states and for at least one week after you return home, so do not sign any contracts... Above all, have a safe trip!  

 

ETA: I just read the post #7 by Camelfeet. YES.  Consider yourself a tourist in a foreign country. That is what the experience is. Your home is in Malaysia now. You will be a tourist, visiting the USA, although that is your country of birth and citizenship.

[Amy in NH]

Although it is sad that your family doesn't seem to be interested in your life overseas, perhaps they just don't have enough understanding of your new culture to have common ground for a conversation on different aspects of the culture and differences.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.  :(

 

I experienced huge culture shock here in the US when I moved from NH to FL for three years.  And that was inside the states.  When I moved back to NH I expected to be able to pick up where I left off, but really life and people had moved on and we were all changed even in just three short years.  I was changed, but so was everyone else...

 

I am interested, though, in the culture shock you experience when you come back to the US.  What is it that is shocking?

[kewb]

Let go of your expectations of how it will be. Just enjoy your family.

It is difficult for others to understand how you are different. They remember you as you were and you are now living a life so foreign to what they know it is difficult for them to wrap their heads ariound it. How was that for a run on sentence?

Easier said then done, I know.

[Lisbeth]

I want to know how you experience comng back here, now, too. I am utterly fascinated by cultural differences, and if I was your relative, I would be listeninf to your comparisons with rapt attention. 

[linders]

Oh, Heather, my heart hurt reading your post. If I were a friend to whom you were returning, I would want to sit for hours hearing your stories. I'd want to see through your eyes the contrasts and similarities between the cultures. I'd want to know how living there has changed you, and try to imagine (with envy!) how I could grow and change while I sit in my same old life.

 

I hope the trip home goes well.

[readwithem]

This reminds me of a party we attended shortly after returning to the US. I was chatting with a woman whose dh works for the same company as my dh, her family moved to Australia after we left and now both families were in Houston. After I waxed poetic about all things in Australia, the people, the flora, the fauna, she replied in her strong drawl, "we could not wait to get back to Houston." Alrighty then.

 

I think this has to do with the egocentrality culture in the US.

 

I hope your trip goes well and that you can have some sweet time with special friends and family.

 

Glad to know my family is not the only one like that.

 

I have a few friends who are TRULY interested and ask questions and are fascinated to learn about other cultures. I'm that way, too. If someone in my family moved to a foreign country I would pepper them with questions about it!

 

It is just so odd to me that so many people actually have no interest whatsoever in any culture other than their own.

[Alessandra]

I haven't seen my family and friends in two years and I am so happy that I get to spend a few weeks with them.

 

BUT

 

I am filled with anxiety.

 

I have been in Malaysia for five years and I am changed... a different person than when I left. My family back in the states does not accept this.

 

They don't really want to hear much about my life here. They will politely look at pics but they don't really care. They just want me to come back and we all pick up where we left off and all of this never happened.

 

Except that I am not the same person from five years ago. I think differently about LOTS of things now.

 

In addition, the culture shock of going back always gets me. It's much stronger than when I came here. The last time I was home two years ago it shocked me how hard it was to adjust. Coming here, I expected everything to be weird, and fun and different and difficult. Going back there I thought it would be like putting on an old pair of jeans. But it wasn't.

 

In my effort to blend in with the culture here, I had forgotten many things about the culture back home and I was overwhelmed. This time I know that's coming and instead of making it better it's made it worse.

 

I am probably not making a lot of sense right now because I am a bundle of nerves. :willy_nilly:

Please, please count me as one of those who is truly interested in your thoughts and observations!

 

As a now stay-at-home American, I love to hear about different places and cultures. I can't think of a better person than you if I have to experience life abroad vicariously, lol.

[Laura Corin]

This reminds me of a party we attended shortly after returning to the US. I was chatting with a woman whose dh works for the same company as my dh, her family moved to Australia after we left and now both families were in Houston. After I waxed poetic about all things in Australia, the people, the flora, the fauna, she replied in her strong drawl, "we could not wait to get back to Houston." Alrighty then.

 

I think this has to do with the egocentrality culture in the US.

 

 

I think it is more to do with the individual personality and circumstances of the person.  I met plenty of Brits and at least one French person who hated being abroad and just waited around until they could go back.  Not everyone enjoys flexibility and being outside their comfort zone, and not everyone chooses to go abroad (they or their spouse may have no choice).

 

L

[Cammie]

This is the best explanation I have read:

 

Think of yourself as a TRIANGLE.  You come from the land of triangles.  Everyone around you is a triangle.  It is all that the other triangles know.

 

You have moved to the land of CIRCLES.  Everyone around you is a circle.  While you have not become a circle, your points have started to become a little rounder and not so pointy. 

 

Eventually you are no longer really a triangle, you are not a circle, but you are your own shape a slightly roundy triangle.

 

You go back to the land of triangles for a visit.  They THINK you are still a triangle.  You left a triangle.  They don't know any other triangles who have changed.  They expect you to think, and eat and act like a triangle.  But YOU know you are no longer exactly a triangle. 

 

We are impacted by where we live and who we live with.  Other people need to accept that!

 

[Mama Geek]

Heather, we haven't lived overseas, but we have lived in many places throughout the US and we have spent little time living near our families over the last 20 years.  We have some of the same issues.  I don't belong at "home" any more.  My home and my family that I am really connected with are Dh and Dd.  I can still enjoy being with my family but it is different.  They are different and so am I.  I think it is difficult with my dd too because they go for months without seeing her and she is very different each time they see her.  She is still young so she grows and matures a lot over a few months.  I don't have any easy answers other than to maybe take a few hours here and there with just you and your family.  

[Cammie]

Not for nothing...this is one reason I don't go home much!  The other is that I find it MUCH easier to live in India and except all the "Indianness" when I don't have recent experiences at home to compare it to!!

[readwithem]

I think it is more to do with the individual personality and circumstances of the person. I met plenty of Brits and at least one French person who hated being abroad and just waited around until they could go back. Not everyone enjoys flexibility and being outside their comfort zone, and not everyone chooses to go abroad (they or their spouse may have no choice).

 

L

Wow my experience was so different! All the Brits and Aussies we knew loved to travel and were extremely interested in life outside their comfort zone.

[Onceuponatime]

:grouphug:  I get it. My family did this multiple times when I was a child. That was before internet and the globalization we have today. I had huge gaps of US cultural ignorance, but all these other wonderful experiences that noone was interested in. So, I had a difficult time relating to my civilian American peers. At least in the military community, there is understanding and the ability to share common experiences.

[trlt]

Heather, I lived in Japan for a few years without ever coming back to the US.  I know exactly how you feel.  It's very hard when you are different but all your loved ones want you to just pick up where you left off.  When I came back to the US I really had culture shock.  Add that to my family not caring about my experiences, it was hard.  I found that a few friends were very supportive and interested in my experiences and embraced the ways that I changed and that really helped me.  I hope that your anxiety lessens as you find that there are people that see the different you and enjoy the experiences you have gone through!  :grouphug:

[Lanny]

<snip>

I am interested, though, in the culture shock you experience when you come back to the US.  What is it that is shocking?

 

@Amy in NH:  Your interest is great!   There are so many things...  Many of the people who live in the USA have absolutely no knowledge of, or, interest in,  what goes on in other countries. However, most people who live here in Colombia, for one example, since this is where I live, have great knowledge about what goes on in the USA. From movies, TV and the music.  They know about current events there. A lot of the food available in the USA is not fresh. Almost everything we eat is fresh. I cannot remember the last time we purchased something that was frozen, other than some kind of juice or berries I purchased for my wife to make a drink from, a couple of months ago. And, Ice Cream. We have a fence surrounding our lot. When I see homes in the USA that are not fenced in, the first thing I think about is their vulnerability to crime and that people can just walk right up to their front door, or knock out a window and get into their house to rob them. That is because of zoning regulations there and/or homeowners association regulations.  Although there are many homes here where people can walk up to the front door of a house too... The doctors here are usually much more caring of their patients,  They are not, as my Ophthalmologist in Dallas told me, after I was his patient for approximately 26 years, taught in Medical School to be "distant" from their patients. There are many people here who can make or repair things. That has become almost a lost art in the USA. Services here are usually much less expensive. People there who think our streets are not paved, but the reality is that Colombia is far advanced in things like the Telecommunications available to us. The meat we purchase is grass fed, something they are now beginning to offer in the USA, at higher prices than meat that is from cattle raised in feed lots. The guns. Here, one needs special permission to own firearms, legally. The list goes on...  People who make inane comments like a Mexican (!) man who was working in a Denny's Restaurant we were in, with my late friend in Texas, one morning for Breakfast. When he discovered we were from Colombia, he made a comment about the wonderful Cocaine. My wife quickly put him down when she explained to him that we wouldn't know, because we don't have any available here, because it is all for export to the USA/Canada/Europe.   The welfare system there where generations of people have never worked. Here, the government has some kind of program where people get $ every month, I see them sometimes, ahead of me in line, when I am waiting to use an ATM machine, but I believe that is very new and that there are not generations of people who have never worked. Many people here work very very  hard, for very little money.  I know, when I go to the supermarket, those people pay the same prices for food that we do. It is hard for us to exist on my retirement income, so I know that people with much lower incomes do not have the same kind of  diet that we do. The violence in the schools in the USA. There have been some incidents here, but nothing like what has happened in brick and mortar schools in the USA.  The homes there are built from sticks of wood, as they were in the 1800's.  When we see the aftermath of Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Earthquakes,  Fires, we wonder why the people in the USA still live in homes that are so beautiful, cosmetically, but so flimsy. Our house has a concrete structure and between the concrete piers the walls are structural brick. I believe the only people here who live in homes made of wood are extremely poor. A large percentage of cars and pickups here have been converted, so that they do not run on gasoline. They run on Liquid Natural Gas. That will become common in the USA with time. Self service gasoline is not an option here. When I rent a car in the USA, I need to get help so I can use the self service gas pump, something that is so "normal" to people who live in the USA and I feel really dumb...  Many people here have lived in the USA and/or have family members who live there. Over the years, we have met a number of families who moved back to Colombia, because they did not want their children to grow up with the drugs and violence in U.S. brick and mortar schools. This is long, but may cover some of the things that Overseas Americans experience when going to the USA.

[FaithManor]

Heather, I am sorry! If youwere my family, I'd be thrilled to listen to you talk about home all the live long day. I'd love to talk culture diffrences with you and learn all about Malaysia. But, you would not be allowed to relate a bunch of snake stories. This would be the one taboo. My psyche is to delicate for that! LOL

 

I think all of this has to do with the egocentric domination in American culture. We've never lived overseas but we have tried very, very hard to raise globally minded kids and the emphasis on classical education has really helped that along because of how we study history, geography, current events, etc. As a result, we don't even fit in here. Dh, the kids, and I are virtually austracized by the locals and a fair number of relatives because of our different perspective on a huge array of topics. It's not the same disconnect by any stretch that you are experiencing, but we are rather lonely because of it. I can only imagine how exponentially harder this must be for you.

 

(((Hugs)))

[Starr]

We moved every year when I was growing up and we learned early on that no one is interested in ones life before we met them. Your feelings coming back to the US is common as well. Working with an International Exchange organization is was part of our training program. The difficult part is your family's inablility to just relax with you.  :grouphug:  I love to hear of your life in Maylasia! 

[trulycrabby]

I am shocked that so many families and friends do not care about or do not want to hear about life outside of the US! I find your stories utterly fascinating and compelling! Please feel free to share your stories here! :grouphug:

[Plink]

Kinda off topic, but ...

 

Oh my stars!  It has been 5 years since you accepted that job?  What happened to your little FIAR boys?  They didn't grow up did they?  They couldn't have, 'cuz that would make me feel old, and I'm not in the mood to feel old this morning.  

 

5 years!  Wow.

 

Praying for peace, and a vacation that exceeds your every expectation.

[Amira]

I hate moving back to the US. I'm assuming you're just visiting, not moving back?

 

We are visiting the US for a few weeks this summer. It'll be the first time in almost 20 years of moving back and forth overseas that I've been able to just visit so I'm curious to see how it's different. It helps that some of my family has an international bent too, and dh's sister will be there from Singapore.

 

Except for the flights, I'm really looking forward to the trip and then coming back home. I plan on focusing on what's happening there and catching up with people I haven't seen in two years. If someone cares about Mexico, they'll ask, but I don't expect anyone to, so I'm not hoping for it. I'll need to be ready instead to fend off nosy questions from certain in-laws about a different topic that is none of their business. :)

[AK_Mom4]

Sometimes it doesn't even take moving over seas. For years after we moved to Alaska, we encounter the same thing when we would go back to visit family. Round peg in a square hole sort of feeling.

 

Five years?!?! Really???? Gosh, that went fast! I remember you posting about the job and your amazing story of that Christmas that you got your little girl!

 

Have a lovely vacation! And you can always tell Us here at WTM about your adventures!

[Jane in NC]

I have a family member who expresses little interest in my life and travels.  She never visits me; when I return to the place where we grew up (where she continues to live) I feel that I am perpetually subjected to a sales pitch on why her location is better than mine. She makes disparaging comments on the South and Southerners.  When I attempt to tell her about something, she inevitably interrupts and says "I know that" or "We've been there".  (Sidenote:  it amuses me when her husband contradicts her and says "No we haven't!")

 

Family member is insecure.  Plain and simple. She lives in her comfort zone and has not dipped her toes much in the greater world.

 

I have to take it all with a grain of salt.

 

Sorry that you don't feel welcomed!  You would tire of my questions if we got together!

[Susan in TN]

They don't really want to hear much about my life here. They will politely look at pics but they don't really care. They just want me to come back and we all pick up where we left off and all of this never happened.

 

 

Come and visit me, because I DO want to hear all about it - AND see the pictures. :D I think traveling and living in different cultures is not only fascinating, but very important to at least learn about if you can't do it yourself.

[Chris in VA]

We were only gone for 3 months last summer, but oh, how I wanted to share what life was like in Israel!

 

My husband just returned from a 2wk pilgrimage with parishoners--It was so funny to me, how eager I was to talk to the returnees re their trip! I kept sharing from our experiences, and had to stop myself so they could share!

 

It just felt so good to have someone who had just seen what we'd seen and done what we'd done.

 

I hope, Heather, that it goes smoothly for you, and YES, keep sharing here!

 

I love what you and LisaK (Italy) have shared--so eye opening and interesting to me.

(and Cammie, Amira, Lanny, Laura--I'm sure I've missed many...forgive me)

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

and

:seeya:  :seeya:  :seeya: I would love to hear about your experiences. I'm always too shy to ask questions (I think I'm rude) when I talk to others who have lived in other countries, but inside I have millions of questions.

 

Best wishes.

[HollyDay]

I get this feeling every time I go back "home" and I'm not travelling overseas!  Time and different lifestyles affect us.  And people who have not seen us in person lose sight of that.  They have a snapshot or still photo of us in their minds of what we were, or what they thought we were.  We aren't that person anymore.  Even if you lived in the same country, you would be different a few years later.  Living in another country, another culture makes that difference more pronounced. 

 

I'm not sure what to say to you to help ease your unease.  Anxiety is certainly a part of the travel process.  Seeing relatives and old friends brings a certain amount of excitment and anxiety too.  Seeing people who don't understand or accept who you are now is challenging.  It is sad they don't want to know about your life now.  It is their loss, but it is also painful for you. 

 

[Danestress]

Honestly I think this is part of life in America. People here are not raised to be curious or even polite about showing interest in others. When DH and I are in social situations, we test this. I can talk to someone for a good while and find out a lot about them by asking questions and then followup questions. It is fascinating to me that when we leave, more often then not, they will know very little about me. DH says it's the same for him, and it's almost a game for us sometimes. I guess that same dynamic happens on a global level. Most people show very little interest in places they aren't going or have't visited.

 

In a family this can hurt. We want our siblings and parents to really care. We want to be known. We want them to see who we really are now, but sometimes they just want us to fit in to the role we always played. They don't ask our opinion because they think they know it. It can really hurt, on a personal level.

 

In your case, it is even worse because you have a whole new life in a place that should be inherently interesting. You have students and teachers and neighbors who have stories and experiences you would love to share. You could probably tell them many interesting things about the food, the culture, the housing, your travel, your daily challenges and triumphs etc. It is painful to see that people mostly just care about how you fit in their lives.

 

My only advice is just to be patient - especially with your Mom. Your children are probably more interesting to her than any exotic country could be. She probably wants to just absorb the joy of being near them and you. Ask her about her life - what she has been reading, and doing, what she has is growing in the garden, etc. Even though you are aware of how much isn't being shared and enjoyed, try to leave her feeling like it was a great visit. She is missing so much with you away. If I didn't see my daughter for two years, I would be in a great deal of pain about that. You can't live your life for her, but try to give this time to her. Leave her feeling like it was a great visit, as a gift to her. If you let your frustration show, you could spoil this little bit of time she has with you. Make it about her. The fact that you are mentally preparing now for this to be a disappointing trip can be is a good thing - you are dealing with it in advance!

[AmyontheFarm]

Heather, it seems like you have a Hive family here that would just love to hear your stories and see your pictures.  Please feel free to share it all with us, with the exception of the snake stories FaithManor's health is important to us, so no snakes.  Or at least label the post "Snake stories ahead, you have been warned!"  :lol:

 

When we came back from our missions trip I had a family member tell me that if they had wanted to learn about Mexico, they would have gone there.  I smiled, stopped talking and walked away.  Years later they are wondering why I don't share things with them anymore.

[Myeightkiddies]

I don't understand why families are like that.  I'm the opposite.  If a relative of mine was coming home from living abroad, I'd be all over them asking questions and listening to stories.  I do that now with people that I know from other places - even within the states.  It's just too fascinating.

 

I'm sorry that it is causing you stress.  It makes sense that it is.  Just be yourself.  Don't change or adjust to please them.  This time let it be them that adjusts to you. Smile a lot.  

[G5052]

I get this feeling every time I go back "home" and I'm not travelling overseas!  Time and different lifestyles affect us.  And people who have not seen us in person lose sight of that.  They have a snapshot or still photo of us in their minds of what we were, or what they thought we were.  We aren't that person anymore.  Even if you lived in the same country, you would be different a few years later.  Living in another country, another culture makes that difference more pronounced. 

 

 

When I used to visit "home" (still within the U.S.), I always felt out of place.  I have changed a lot since I left, and my side of the family was mostly very unhappy with that situation.  My mother would slip in all kinds of comments about how much better it would have been if I had never left.  And somehow everything we did when I was there was oriented towards showing me how there was still the "best" place on earth.  She had very little interest in where I live.

 

Frankly I just let it slide off my back.  It's just one of those things in life.  People get into their own little box sometimes!

[HollyDay]

I don't understand why families are like that.  I'm the opposite.  If a relative of mine was coming home from living abroad, I'd be all over them asking questions and listening to stories.  I do that now with people that I know from other places - even within the states.  It's just too fascinating.

 

I'm sorry that it is causing you stress.  It makes sense that it is.  Just be yourself.  Don't change or adjust to please them.  This time let it be them that adjusts to you. Smile a lot.  

 

This just reminded me of something.  My MIL travels a great deal and lives abroad.  We always have tons of questions for her.  I always ask if she has any loose change or stamps from various countries that I could add to my collection.  I like to keep the envelopes from her letters or packages just for the stamps :)  We try to get her to cook with us so we can learn more.  Her last visit she expressed amazement that the children were interested.  She said not many people were interested anymore........

[MrsMommy]

Come and visit me, because I DO want to hear all about it - AND see the pictures. :D I think traveling and living in different cultures is not only fascinating, but very important to at least learn about if you can't do it yourself.

 

When you're done visiting Susan, you can come visit me, too! :) I'd love to hear your stories. We can't really afford to travel, but DH has traveled quite a bit for work, and I will pester him to no end when he gets back from a trip, because I want to know what it's like. And I always send him off with a list of pictures to take. Especially public transit and street signs...I love seeing how those are different in different countries.

 

I'm sorry that the people you know don't want to hear about your adventures...I can't imagine how that must hurt.

[Cinder]

I think it is more to do with the individual personality and circumstances of the person.  I met plenty of Brits and at least one French person who hated being abroad and just waited around until they could go back.  Not everyone enjoys flexibility and being outside their comfort zone, and not everyone chooses to go abroad (they or their spouse may have no choice).

 

L

 

This reminds me of our first military duty assignment in Mississippi. There was a couple there from South Dakota and the wife absolutely hated being in MS. As far as she was concerned SD was the only place on earth to live. They knew they'd only be there a year but the whole time all she talked about was SD and how much time she had left in MS and how she couldn't wait to get back. Ugh--it got old. And they wondered why no one wanted to hang out with them.

 

Heather, come here so I can ask you a billion questions about life in Malaysia! I was able to talk to one woman recently (our dc go to Awana together) who's from Malaysia. It was cool hearing of the culture and how she can speak 4 different languages just from growing up there. I also met a woman from Mexico and I'm afraid I bombarded her with questions about what it was like growing up there and how she and her dh came to move to the US. I hope they didn't think I was being too nosy but I get so curious about why they moved and what their experience is like. I'm not adventurous myself but I enjoy hearing about other peoples' adventures.

 

Hope your trip goes well! :grouphug:

[katilac]

Do we have any psychologists who might have any insight on the thinking process here? 

 

I don't think it's a strictly American thing. Heck, I don't even think it's a strictly ex-pat thing.

 

When I went to college, I lived there during the week and came home most weekends to work. My parents had almost no interest in hearing about that 80% of my life, lol. It was as though I were in suspended animation whenever I wasn't home. 

 

Having had that experience, I don't think it's necessarily about the person wanting to talk about their 'trip' and show pictures. This isn't a vacation - it's her life. It's weird to visit people and have long conversations while pretending that a huge chunk of your life doesn't exist.  

 

Maybe it's fear based. They are afraid the other person is changing (due to living abroad, going to college, moving to the city) and so refuse to acknowledge what they see as causing potential change? 

[Heather in Neverland]

I am interested, though, in the culture shock you experience when you come back to the US. What is it that is shocking?

I want to know how you experience comng back here, now, too. I am utterly fascinated by cultural differences, and if I was your relative, I would be listeninf to your comparisons with rapt attention.

 

There are lots of things that make coming back to the U.S. a "shock" to the system...some I can explain and some I really can't. But here are two things that stand out from my last trip...

 

1. The sheer vastness of America is astounding. I live on a small, densely populated island. Everything and everyone feels squished together most of the time. The traffic is bumper to bumper. The people are shoulder to shoulder. The houses are on top of each other and there are no yards. You have this constant feeling of limited space. When I get to the U.S. It feels immense. The cars look like tanks. The houses are like castles. In Michigan I am from a small, quiet suburb. When I go back it feels deserted. Where is everyone? I go to the mall and hardly anyone is there. There is no one on the street. No one walking around. The vastness of America makes me feel tiny and lost and swallowed up and a bit lonely.

 

2. The abundance of America. In Malaysia I can grocery shop in about 12 minutes. It's pretty easy when your choices are white bread or wheat bread and that's it. When I go to a supermarket in the states, the bread aisle is as big as my house and there are 527 different varieties of bread and I just stand there paralyzed with indecision. It makes me feel anxious and the last time I visited I ended up leaving without buying anything because I was overwhelmed by the choices.

 

Those are just two small examples (I could talk about the ubiquitous police presence and rabid gun culture but things might get controversial). :)

[Barb_]

Do we have any psychologists who might have any insight on the thinking process here?

 

I don't think it's a strictly American thing. Heck, I don't even think it's a strictly ex-pat thing.

 

When I went to college, I lived there during the week and came home most weekends to work. My parents had almost no interest in hearing about that 80% of my life, lol. It was as though I were in suspended animation whenever I wasn't home.

 

Having had that experience, I don't think it's necessarily about the person wanting to talk about their 'trip' and show pictures. This isn't a vacation - it's her life. It's weird to visit people and have long conversations while pretending that a huge chunk of your life doesn't exist.

 

Maybe it's fear based. They are afraid the other person is changing (due to living abroad, going to college, moving to the city) and so refuse to acknowledge what they see as causing potential change?

This thread has been eye opening for me in general but I think your post nails it, Kat. I have a daughter I adore who talks about nothing but moving to japan after graduation. I don't want to think about it! So now I realize I could turn into a denier like Heather's family and it's not that I wouldn't be interested, more that I would miss her so much and secretly feel abandoned and worry she would never return.

 

Thanks to this thread, I can start prepping myself to put on a good face if need be.

[Baseball mom]

Come and visit me, because I DO want to hear all about it - AND see the pictures. :D I think traveling and living in different cultures is not only fascinating, but very important to at least learn about if you can't do it yourself.

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

and

:seeya:  :seeya:  :seeya: I would love to hear about your experiences. I'm always too shy to ask questions (I think I'm rude) when I talk to others who have lived in other countries, but inside I have millions of questions.

 

Best wishes.

:iagree:

 

I have only lived in the town I am in now. (born here & never left).  I have been to a few places in the US on vacation but never outside the country.  I would love to listen to your stories and see your pictures.  I "travel" through others and books  :001_smile:   People tell better stories than books too.

[ElaineJ]

:grouphug: Hugs from a fellow expat! I think the most helpful things for me are to 1) Decide ahead of time not to judge others for their lack of interest and to realize that they are just coming at things from a different place. I'm not implying that you are judging others! This is just something I have to remind myself about.  and 2) Get to know some other Third Culture people to hang around with, because they will understand you even if they came from a different birth country and lived in completely different host countries. By Third Culture People I mean folks who have lived in another place for a significant period (not just a year or so) and embraced the experience. These are your people now! This last visit to the States I was so blessed by spending time with a Swedish lady who had lived in Egypt. I have never been to either of those countries, but we could dive right in with each other because of how our experiences had shaped our understanding of life. HTH!

Elaine

 

[Heather in Neverland]

This thread has been eye opening for me in general but I think your post nails it, Kat. I have a daughter I adore who talks about nothing but moving to japan after graduation. I don't want to think about it! So now I realize I could turn into a denier like Heather's family and it's not that I wouldn't be interested, more that I would miss her so much and secretly feel abandoned and worry she would never return.

 

Thanks to this thread, I can start prepping myself to put on a good face if need be.

My mom has had a very hard time accepting this move. She hates the fact that we live here and even after 5 years never lets an opportunity go by to remind me of how miserable I am making her by living here. She is a master at making me feel guilty.

 

She does not acknowledge or affirm any of the awesome experiences we have had here. I think she feels like if she agrees with me on any of it or shows any interest then she is giving me permission to stay and that will never happen.

 

So she just ignores anything that has to do with my life in Malaysia and will actually ask me not to talk about it around her.

 

I have told my dh that if our children have opportunities to live abroad and I start acting like my mother to PLEASE call me out on it. I don't want to do this to my children. They have a right to live their lives without guilt from me. So I will smile and support them and then just cry in my pillow when they can't see me.

[Heather in Neverland]

Kinda off topic, but ...

 

Oh my stars! It has been 5 years since you accepted that job? What happened to your little FIAR boys? They didn't grow up did they? They couldn't have, 'cuz that would make me feel old, and I'm not in the mood to feel old this morning.

 

5 years! Wow.

 

Praying for peace, and a vacation that exceeds your every expectation.

I know. Five years. It's crazy how fast it went by!! Yep, my little FIAR boys are now 16 and 10. Not so little any more. I think Malaysia must have its own hyper-speed time zone. That's the only explanation for how five years has gone by already!

[Heather in Neverland]

 

 

Having had that experience, I don't think it's necessarily about the person wanting to talk about their 'trip' and show pictures. This isn't a vacation - it's her life. It's weird to visit people and have long conversations while pretending that a huge chunk of your life doesn't exist.

 

?

YES! That is it exactly! It's not that I think Malaysia is so much better than America or my life is so much better than theirs or even that I have this need to drone on and on about "my life in Malaysia". But the fact that I have to act like none of it is happening and I have been living down the street from my family just like I always have is just ... weird and sad.

[Lady Florida.]

If it makes you feel any better, this doesn't seem to be exclusive to Americans. I see a lot of "Americans just don't care" posts and I don't necessarily think that's true. Laura told us she experienced something similar. I think it's a part of having lived in another culture when most of those around you never experienced it.

 

Dh has a nephew married to a woman from Japan and a niece married to a man from Costa Rica (yes, there's a pattern in that family of marrying non-Americans lol). Both go back about every 2-3 years and both find it weird to be there. They both have been here so long that they consider U.S. culture more "normal" than the ones they grew up in. Neither one considers Japan/Costa Rica home anymore and they only go so that their children will know that side of their family.

[Susan in TN]

Those are just two small examples (I could talk about the ubiquitous police presence and rabid gun culture but things might get controversial). :)

I think these are fairly common - I remember talking to a Soviet defector (in the '80's) who said the same thing about stores.

 

It is interesting to think about the ways the geography of a country plays a roll in the development of the cultural mind set. They are often neither good or bad, just different in how things are approached.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry for the way your friends and family react.  :grouphug:   I've never understood how it doesn't even occur to some people to ask questions about another's life -- whether it's in another country, or just very different circumstances!  It really boggles my mind.

 

We have traveled and lived in other countries (not as long as you have), and we are very fortunate in that we have friends and family who do the same, so they are always eager to listen.

 

At least you -- your own immediate family of husband and children -- have each other to talk things through to!

 

If you were here, I would LOVE to hear about your life over there, and how it has changed you.