Jump to content

Menu

Help me figure discipline out... Please!


mommymonster
 Share

Recommended Posts

This has been a rough school year for us. DS5 has had a long road medically and had his second brain surgery in November. DS8 had a hard time with us being gone, and also had to do vision therapy, which was challenging to him. We have been trying to keep things low-key and low-stress, but it's not working. The boys are becoming really rude and pretty obnoxious. I know it is a discipline issue.

 

My sister advised me to not do "time outs" but to instead focus on talking through things last summer. We've been doing that, but at this point, the talking it out is getting me a whole lot of no where. 

 

I'm opposed to spanking; it just won't happen in this house. I've read Parenting with Love and Logic, but I don't seem quick enough when tensions are running high to figure out how to implement it. I find myself getting a bit of sensory overload in dealing with both of them getting upset (they tend to feed off each other). 

 

I fully admit this is a failure of parenting on my part. I just need to know how to fix it. We've got summer coming up, and I'm willing to do the work. Just... how do I fix this?

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd encourage you to think less of punishment and more of how to structure your life to make the tone/atmosphere better.

 

 I recommend for "rude and obnoxious" are look at the following:

 

  1. Structure. Most humans do better with more, not less.
  2. Amount of screen time for everyone involved.
  3. Possibility of depression in children or adults
  4. Quality of food
  5. Regularity of large motor play, outdoor play, sensory play
  6. Regularity of affection, playfulness, fun family time

 

For actual behavior, rude/obnoxious behavior is typically met with a firm expectation of a do-over, often with coaching as to what to say or do instead. Obnoxious is often met with limiting the next fun thing on the schedule; the logical tie-in is that if you can't act appropriately, you don't go or participate.

 

Another proactive took is role playing for the situations that are a habit/pattern, starting to establish *appropriate* behavior and the habits that accompany it. Role playing, though, to be most useful needs to be done during light, fun times in a positive spirit.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

It sounds like your family has a LOT going on! You sound like a very loving mom to me, calling this a "failure of parenting"sounds very harsh to me.  Be gentle with yourself!

 

One thing that has helped me is to have a clear plan of action before the behavior happens, so I don't have to think, I just have to follow the plan. For what you describe, I would consider what constitutes rude/obnoxious behavior. I'd probably make a list to show the kids. I'd make a written, numeric list FOR MYSELF of how to handle it. (Definitely no spanking!) Finally, I would include rewards for improved behavior.  Then, follow your plan. Watch yourself and DH to make sure you are not inadvertently modeling rude behavior.  Sometimes the directive language we use towards kids sounds a lot ruder than intended when kids imitate it!

 

Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:bigear:

 

I am struggling with discipline issues as well. Our pediatrician recommended the book 1-2-3 Magic. Sounds like a great book if parent can follow through. It's not easy! For behavior you want to stop, it does involve time outs (usually after a couple warnings. On "3" they get the time out). The thing that is difficult is you are supposed to limit the talking and not yell. Easier said than done lol. If you are curious, check it out at your local library. My copy even came with a DVD. Mostly the DVD was a lecture. I wish it included more skits with the method being used.

We use 1-2-3 Magic in my home. It is working great! I have noticed a major difference in my children (ages 6 & 5) since we started using it. I read the parents book first, then read the children's version to my DC. The children's book is written in a story format and explains what is expected and how the process works.

 

The only problem I have had with it is that my DD (6) did not like the "not talking about what happened". She would do her time-out, but as soon as it was over would cry and make excuses for why she did what she did. I would immediately send her back for arguing, and that stopped within about a week.

 

Now, I never get past 2 with either of my children, even when out in public. They both know what is expected of them, and if they hear 1 they know what they are doing wrong. We have all benefited from this program!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd encourage you to think less of punishment and more of how to structure your life to make the tone/atmosphere better.

 

 I recommend for "rude and obnoxious" are look at the following:

 

  1. Structure. Most humans do better with more, not less.
  2. Amount of screen time for everyone involved.
  3. Possibility of depression in children or adults
  4. Quality of food
  5. Regularity of large motor play, outdoor play, sensory play
  6. Regularity of affection, playfulness, fun family time

 

For actual behavior, rude/obnoxious behavior is typically met with a firm expectation of a do-over, often with coaching as to what to say or do instead. Obnoxious is often met with limiting the next fun thing on the schedule; the logical tie-in is that if you can't act appropriately, you don't go or participate.

 

Another proactive took is role playing for the situations that are a habit/pattern, starting to establish *appropriate* behavior and the habits that accompany it. Role playing, though, to be most useful needs to be done during light, fun times in a positive spirit.

 

My boys are pretty close to yours in age, 8 and 4, and what Joanne said here rings very true in this house.

 

Time outs are good, not for discipline but just to cool down before talking.

 

Yep, time outs aren't the punishment here, they're for cooling off and thinking about what you did/getting away from your brother/giving mommy or papa time to decide what to do before speaking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks so much for all of the advice. I'm working through it, and seeing how I can integrate it into our days. We are transitioning to our summer schedule and finishing up year-end testing for the older, so I know that things are particularly trying today just due to transitions. However, we really do need to turn things around. I'm finding myself getting depressed on how poorly they are treating me, and that's just silly to accept/put up with.

 

Joanne, I really appreciate your thoughts. Of your list, we need to work on structure, screen time, and food.  I think we might do too much play. Is that possible? I mean, they are playing all. day. long. It's sometimes hard to get them to do school, as it "cuts into" their play time (their words, not mine).  :huh:

 

I'm concerned most about their nutrition. DS8 has sensory issues that cause him to limit his diet. DS5 just started eating orally due to his health issues (he used to have a g-tube). We can't get them to do fruits and veggies, which I know is a common concern of parents. In any case, we can always go back to the feeding therapy people. 

 

Thanks, Heartlikealion, for the 1-2-3 Magic suggestion. I'm requesting it from our library. We do well with books here, so it sounds like a good program (adult book, kid book, video). 

 

Whew! Time to get on track.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't even know there was a children's book! Where did you find it?

Amazon! I can't link to it because I am on my IPad. They have both the print and the Kindle version.

 

It is titled "1-2-3 Magic for Kids: Helping Your Children Understand the New Rules".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hearty agreement with Joanne.

 

I find do-overs to be a really effective tool, especially when they are cheery and matter-of-fact, like so: "Yikes! That sounded kind of mean. Can you try saying it like this?"

 

Also wanted to address the kids' reaction to school cutting in to play time. In our house, lists are our saving grace, especially for my son. I write his list first thing each day. It includes academics at the top and household chores or other things at the bottom. When he wants to play, I say, "Let's take a look at your list." Then we negotiate an agreement about play, like so, "Okay, you can play outside for a little while, but you can see that you have a few things left on your list to do. Why don't I call you inside at 10:30 to work on XYZ?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:bigear:

 

I am struggling with discipline issues as well. Our pediatrician recommended the book 1-2-3 Magic. Sounds like a great book if parent can follow through. It's not easy! For behavior you want to stop, it does involve time outs (usually after a couple warnings. On "3" they get the time out). The thing that is difficult is you are supposed to limit the talking and not yell. Easier said than done lol. If you are curious, check it out at your local library. My copy even came with a DVD. Mostly the DVD was a lecture. I wish it included more skits with the method being used.

We've been doing 123 Magic for 4 years. It works! We also combine with John Rosemonds card system and while my kids are far from perfect, it's a very consistent plan that keeps them in line most of the time, and keeps me from ".losing it" MOST of the time ;-)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have had decent luck with timeouts not as punishment but as a chance to take a step back and recharge/relax.  I generally send one or both to their rooms to lay down and read.  They tend to be fine and in a completely different mood after 20 minutes or so (and occasionally fall asleep).  

 

I have also had good luck with making mine write sentences when they are truly being horrid.  I always swore it was a punishment I wouldn't use but it has proven very effective.  I try to always structure the sentences as positive rather than negative (for example: "I will be kind to my sister" rather than "I will not be mean to my sister").

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...