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Housekeeper? Feeling like a failure.


AimeeM
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Make me feel better about this :(

 

Last night Tony and I had a bit of a blow up. Nobody's fault, really, but he feels that I'm stretching myself too thin - between homeschooling, our youngest being a bit of a wild child, DD's school appointments and running here and there, normal errands, and Nico's recent upsurge in doctor's appointments/diagnostics appointments. Youngest still isn't sleeping through the night (almost 2), so on top of his day time antics (good thing he's cute!), I'm getting very little sleep.

 

Tony does not criticize the house, and often tells me how much he appreciates everything I do (and likewise I tell him how much I appreciate him), so this isn't a matter of him thinking that I'm not keeping up on the housework - he's just tired of me working on the house until bed time; he broke down last night and said that he doesn't see me smile any more - he wants time with me (and I *so* want more time with him!). This is only going to get worse when DD comes home next year (because of her 2E needs, she needs high content, but most of her work will be mom dependent), leaving me essentially no time during the day to do anything but school work and appointments.

 

He's like to hire someone to come in once a week, do the bathrooms, catch up the laundry, and then come in once a month to do a more thorough deep clean of the house.

 

I feel like a failure. This is my issue, not his. He is trying to be kind, but I'm being combative about it; I think that I only need better time management skills - after all, I know women in my co-op who have 7+ children and do not seem to be pulling their hair out daily or running on fumes/coffee (lol). Why can't I get into the swing of this???

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First, stop comparing yourself to others. You're not them.

 

Have you tried asking if your DH can help out with things? If he can't, look into a housekeeper. Sometimes, they can turn out to be a close friend later down the line!

 

You aren't a failure, there's only so much one person can do before you hit your breaking point.

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He wants to relieve your workload and he wants you to be happier?  Stop being combative and thank him.

 

You're not a failure.  You're doing ten times the work of most stay at home moms just by homeschooling, let alone caring for a daughter with special needs.

 

Give yourself a break.  Let the house stay messy tonight and go to bed early for extra snuggles.

 

Remind yourself that sometimes having MORE children is easier - older kids do chores and can care for youngers, and they don't carry one kid to ten appointments per week.

 

Stop comparing.  Consider taking the day off and parking everyone in front of the tv for a movie or two and taking a long nap.  Seriously.  When you've had a bit more sleep you'll feel better about letting your husband help and pamper you.

 

No one is Martha Stewart perfect without a lot of help, and she demanded so much from herself and others that she drove everyone out of the house and ended up in jail.  Stop imagining someone else is perfect.

 

If you think other mothers you know are better at time management, ask them for help.  Once you know them better you'll see where they're letting stuff drop that you are not.

 

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I don't know how to make you feel better about this- you know you're not slacking during the day. You know your hands are full and will be even more full next fall.  But do know that you really can't say what's going on behind closed doors of those families with 7 children and no housekeeper.  It might be a train wreck. 

 

You just have to try to convince yourself that you are entitled to a little bit of relief. 

 

FWIW I recently quit my job because dh noticed I was just coming home stressed instead of fulfilled. I used to love this job and it was a perfect outlet. But once I realized dh was right, it took me about 3 months to come to terms with actually giving notice and quitting.  I am SO much happier now, and more importantly, dh is much happier.  He didn't want to see me unhappy and there was something he could do to MAKE me happy. Tony is in the same boat- he wants you happy and has a way he thinks will accomplish that. It's not a set in stone decision- if you hate having someone clean for you, then go back to doing it yourself. 

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:grouphug:  I am exhausted just reading about all that you have to do.

 

Please do not compare yourself to other moms.  You don't really know what the inner workings of their homes look like.  Some of those people with 7+ children may be doing very little teaching themselves.  Their olders may be "teaching" (with varying degrees of success) the youngers.  Their kitchens and bathrooms may be filthy.  Maybe they put on a good show and go home to complete chaos.  Who knows.

 

Can you afford to have someone come work in the house as your husband has suggested?  If so, let that be his gift to you.  You are not a failure by having someone come in and take some of the load off your shoulders. 

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I felt completely overwhelmed this past school year---and then we went onto break. (We start our new school year next week.)  I discovered that my normal daily life without school is completely manageable, and completely full. It's no wonder that adding in the full time job of homeschooling or adding in lots of medical stuff put me ovr my capacity to manag!

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Please get the household help! You'll feel so much better.

 

We had some help short-term with the kids, and it was wonderful. We don't have regular enough hours for a housekeeper (hubby works odd and inconsistent hours, sleeps during the day sometimes). We hired someone to babysit periodically while we went out or tackled projects around the house that were creating a backlog. Having large blocks of time to do some stuff just got the ball rolling, and it's been great. If we had a little one in the mix like you do, we would've had to be more aggressive. I am hoping to find some more times like that with a sitter this summer or starting again in the fall.

 

 

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Sometimes as women we really do feel that we should be able to do it all. I suggest you take out a piece of paper and write down every.single.thing you expect yourself to accomplish in a day, and the time it takes. Include time to get dressed, prepare meals eat meals, clean up from meals, get kids ready, play chauffeur, homeschool, plan, arrange appointments, deal with bills and insurance issues etc.. Be realistic about how much time things really take. I'm betting you'll find you really need well over 24 hours in a day to do all that needs to be done.

 

The only way to get more hours is to either cut down on the work or borrow someone else's time--in this case, hire a housekeeper. 

 

Just do it, and let go of the guilt. Hiring someone to clean your home is no different than paying someone else to grow your food or make your clothes or produce your electricity, and I bet you pay for those things all the time.

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There is nothing wrong with hiring someone to help around the house.  If you and I are anything alike (and likely we are!) the kids and school and appointments take priority over the house.  It's not a failure to delegate or hire out those lower priority items.  There is only so much of you available and it sounds like you are directing your energy to the right places.  If this allows you to spend more time with your DH, then go for it.  And enjoy it!

We had someone come clean twice a month for nearly five years.  It was a huge blessing and it was one of the things things that allowed me to start homeschooling and keep my part-time job.  We don't have her come anymore, but my kids are older now and while we are still busy, we have less of the crazy around here and the kids are actually helpful at this point.  

 

You are not a failure.  You sound quite awesome.   :grouphug:

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Girl!  Thank heaven you have such an understanding hubby and embrace the concept wholeheartedly!

If I could go back that is one thing I would do differently - I would hire a housekeeper at least once every week or so. 

I've always told DH that if I ever went back to work full time, I would not have two full time jobs (work, house, kids, etc.) - I'd have one job and hire a maid.  Homeschooling and caring for kids is a full time job....  Why kill yourself???  Pride?  Yeah - chuck that.

Trust me, you'll still have a lot of work to do just with the daily stuff... but at least the showers and toilets won't be waiting for you at the end of the week. :) 

 

 

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Clearly your husband values your time and effort and wants to outsource chores that someone else could easily do. Let go and try it. If the situation isn't for you, then reevaluate AFTER your getting enough sleep again. You'll still have to put stuff away, but the carpet doesn't care WHO vacuums it and there's no reason why the toilets need to be cleaned by YOU. That's silly. Your husband KNOWS you only have so many hours in a day. He wants to spen a few with you and is offering a very sensible solution.

 

I recommend getting a copy of "A housekeeper is cheaper than a divorce." The title is a bit much, but the book has some very practical advice about deciding what type of help you want.

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You are not a failure! Get the help!

 

I had back surgery in Feb. and had to hire someone to do the bathroom deep cleans and vacuum/mop all floors. I have busy teens & a very busy husband so they help with the quick wipe downs in between the deep cleans, kitchen duty, etc.

 

It was really hard at first but now I realize it's the best thing I've ever done. My spine surgeon tells me not to do that heavy work anymore (ever), so this is a lifelong adjustment. I won't kid you, it was difficult at first. I felt so guilty having someone else clean my house for me! I'm over that now. :)

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Why should you feel like a failure because you need a housekeeper? Many people do just that. Why shouldn't they? Why shouldn't you?

 

If it were in my budget, I'd gladly pay someone to dustmop or vacuum my 1500 sq. ft. of hardwood floors (which I love, BTW) a couple of times a week. Oh, and vacuum the carpet upstairs. Floors are my downfall, housekeeping-wise. :-)

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Also, if it helps, by hiring a housekeeper you are making someone else's life better. People who clean homes WANT to work and earn for their families. Why cling selfishly to money you can spare when someone else could really use it to pay their mortgage? Is YOU feeling like SuperMom more important than another mom feeding her kids? You have a chance to improve the lives of EVERYONE in TWO families. Take it.

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He really can't right now; not with much (he does help on the weekends, and enjoys cooking!). He has some health issues going on and he's mid-stream transferring into a new position at work, add to that he's coming off of a business trip (the new position will entail less travel).

First, stop comparing yourself to others. You're not them.

 

Have you tried asking if your DH can help out with things? If he can't, look into a housekeeper. Sometimes, they can turn out to be a close friend later down the line!

 

You aren't a failure, there's only so much one person can do before you hit your breaking point.

 

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As an aside - I get annoyed when I'm behind on laundry and DH works on it because it makes me feel like a failure.  He always tells me he's not doing it to be critical, he's doing it because we are a team.

 

Then he points out that most of our (female) friends have housekeepers, and most of them don't home school OR have a job.

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I think you should just try it. If I were going to be a failure at any part of my job, I would choose housekeeping - as long as someone else would do it. I like a tidy house, but don't care how it gets that way.

 

Think about it this way. You don't (probably) kill your own chickens, sew your own clothes, make your own soap, haul off your own garbage. There are many things you pay people to do because you can't or don't want to do them. This is just one more.

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My husband just recommended the same thing for me.  He wants me happy and to have time and energy to hang out with him.  Snatch the offer up!  I have a friend who just sits down and relaxes when her housekeeper comes - she doesn't feel guilty, she reads a book!  It has given her time to relax and reboot and be a peace.  And you will be amazed at how calm the house feels when each room is clean... at the SAME TIME!

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I'd be jumping for friggin' joy if my DH suggested this.  Shut up and take it before he rescinds the offer!    Who cares that there are people at the co-op with 7 kids and clean houses?  Say "Oh my God, yes, I've failed as a housekeeper and I need someone to clean this mess for me.  Great idea, DH!".  Take.The.Offer.

 

 

 

 

Make me feel better about this :(

 

Last night Tony and I had a bit of a blow up. Nobody's fault, really, but he feels that I'm stretching myself too thin - between homeschooling, our youngest being a bit of a wild child, DD's school appointments and running here and there, normal errands, and Nico's recent upsurge in doctor's appointments/diagnostics appointments. Youngest still isn't sleeping through the night (almost 2), so on top of his day time antics (good thing he's cute!), I'm getting very little sleep.

 

Tony does not criticize the house, and often tells me how much he appreciates everything I do (and likewise I tell him how much I appreciate him), so this isn't a matter of him thinking that I'm not keeping up on the housework - he's just tired of me working on the house until bed time; he broke down last night and said that he doesn't see me smile any more - he wants time with me (and I *so* want more time with him!). This is only going to get worse when DD comes home next year (because of her 2E needs, she needs high content, but most of her work will be mom dependent), leaving me essentially no time during the day to do anything but school work and appointments.

 

He's like to hire someone to come in once a week, do the bathrooms, catch up the laundry, and then come in once a month to do a more thorough deep clean of the house.

 

I feel like a failure. This is my issue, not his. He is trying to be kind, but I'm being combative about it; I think that I only need better time management skills - after all, I know women in my co-op who have 7+ children and do not seem to be pulling their hair out daily or running on fumes/coffee (lol). Why can't I get into the swing of this???

 

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You're not a failure.  Nope.  Not at all.

 

It's fabulous that some people can do everything.  Really.  I admire those people.  But I'm not one of them.  I have a 2E kid, a toddler, and a chronic health condition.  We juggle a lot weekly.

 

So ... We have a weekly cleaner.  DH set it up.  There is zero guilt involved, it is a simple contribution to our household that he can make.  He *could* spend the time actually helping to do the work, but frankly - he has other ways he'd like to spend his time, and he wants me to be free to spend my time/energy in other ways, too.  We have done the calculation in terms of the dollar amount that my contribution to our household is worth, and he is well aware that is highly valuable!  If you factor in the cost of private school (that's what you were doing, right?) plus after/before school care for kids, plus all the extras - or figure out your salary as a full time private tutor... That might make you feel better.  Then you'll see that the hourly rate for a weekly cleaning is well worth it.  (I hope I'm making sense, DH is much better at figuring this stuff out and presenting it.)  Your time is worth more than scrubbing the toilet.  And the peace it will give you is priceless, a la mastercard commercials.  :)

 

We are a team.  DH views it this way: we each have full time jobs.  His is the work day job, mine is educating and caring for our kids.  His take on it is that school teachers have a full day to teach/plan - so I should, too.  School teachers are not juggling laundry, scrubbing floor, etc in between classes.  

 

Caring for and cleaning the house is our joint responsibility, so he chooses to outsource his part of it, and offered to outsource mine as well.  We still share other household care/cleaning responsibilities, but the basics are taken care of.  

 

Even if you do this as a temporary solution... Enjoy it.  Take the break.  Find your feet again.  And it may be that you continue with this path.  :)

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Housekeeper, babysitter--sounds like you and dh agree that something's gotta give, and that help would be welcome.  

 

Also, with a very little one, special needs, homeschooling and multiple health issues, you way have way, way more on your plate than most families are managing.  Own it!  Give yourself credit for all the superhuman things you manage every single day, for the fact that you're handling way more than the norm and could use some room to breathe.

 

It makes sense to spend time considering what would be the biggest help and stress reducer.  It could be a cleaning person.  So nice to work in a clean, organized space!  Or maybe you really do need a break from cutie pie's constant needs.  A babysitter and new cleaning routines/chore charts for the whole family?  And, you could try one thing, decide it's not exactly what you need, and in the process discover what really will help.

 

It's great that you have a little financial wiggle room and even the emotional space to look at what would help.  There are seasons in raising a family that are just survival plain and simple, and it's hard to get your head out of water long enough to look around and make a change.  Switch up whatever looks like it might ease the load for you, your marriage and your family, then readjust as needed.  It could be that this moment, when you have a really little one and are bringing your daughter home, is the time when you really need some support, and that in a year or two or three things are easier to manage.

 

Amy

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I used to feel the same way about getting household help.  I was seriously confused that a couple of high school/college boyfriends' families hired housekeepers and handymen.  Shouldn't people take care of that stuff themselves?

 

Sometimes we need to recognize where we have preconceived notions, and then think through it a bit more logically.  Most of us "hire" people to make our clothes, grow our vegetables, and pluck our chickens.  Why is cleaning the house or handling basic repairs that much different?  Why exactly does needing help with keeping the house clean mean you're a failure?  In my case, I used to be a teensy bit judgey about it.  I realized that my mental block was all about fear of other people judging me if I couldn't keep up.

 

Don't compare yourself to the mom of 7 who can handle everything!  Hint: her kids are old enough to help out a ton!  Also, people just have different personalities.  I know people who can happily juggle a million things at once.  They actually thrive on it.  That's awesome for them, but not everyone is like that, and it's okay.

 

I really wish I had a housekeeper.  My kids are really little and require constant supervision and/or holding, the house is slightly large for us (we'll grow into it soon, though), we have pets who make their fair share of messes, there's a ton of yardwork because the former owners were amateur gardeners, etc.  I'm exhausted before it's even cleaning time.  I'm much more happy and calm when the house is clean, and I just can't keep it up to my standards.  Maybe I should get some quotes and take a look at my budget!

 

 

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It was very, very hard for me to give up house cleaning responsibilties.  It took years to talk me into it.  However, once I decided to do it, it was not difficult at all!  :)  It is a great relief to not have to worry "when will I have time to get to that" / "what if someone comes over," or to lose sleep or hurt yourself over things that really should not have high emotional value.

 

It takes some getting used to the fact that other people don't do things the same as I do, and I have to move some things around after they leave; but if I spend 30 minutes to make up for saving 6 hours, I'm still ahead.

 

I really think your husband is right.  Kudos to him for making a truly positive suggestion that will help everyone involved.

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He's like to hire someone to come in once a week, do the bathrooms, catch up the laundry, and then come in once a month to do a more thorough deep clean of the house.

 

I feel like a failure. This is my issue, not his. He is trying to be kind, but I'm being combative about it; I think that I only need better time management skills - after all, I know women in my co-op who have 7+ children and do not seem to be pulling their hair out daily or running on fumes/coffee (lol). Why can't I get into the swing of this???

 

Maybe those women do less mom centric work, or have kids without special needs, or don't have time for their husbands, or have houses that are a wreck. You don't know. 

 

But, either way.

 

If it is acceptable to hire someone to do the schooling in our society (aka, send them to school) while you do the rest of the household stuff, why wouldn't it be ok to hire someone to do the household stuff while you do the schooling? Seems fair. 

 

Remember Leave it to Beaver? The mom had both kids in school AND had a housekeeper three days a week. THREE!  

 

Oh, and houses with 7 kids have older ones that help pick up :)

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I will confess that I once cut off a piece of my finger because someone suggested I might need help chopping the potatoes in order not to get behind schedule.  Cutting your fingertip is an extremely painful (not to say dumba$$) mistake.  Going to the emergency room is not exactly a time saver.  Plus, I was reminded of it each time I forgot and typed the letter "F" with that finger (I was working on a big report that week).

 

I'm just saying, I know it's hard to accept help with something you're used to being able to do by yourself.  I don't blame you, but I encourage you to let it go, because it doesn't help anything.  Really.

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We have a housekeeper come in once a month. We started this when DH began considering it more important to enjoy time together when possible, instead of working on heavy chores on weekends and evenings. Because I am a feminist, I don't think all the chores are mine unless DH wants to "help" -- some of them are his, and we work together in co-operation.

 

We totally *could* work harder and do better. I don't "need" a housekeeper, and neither does he. Neither of us are failures. In fact, he is quite successful, and I'm having a fulfilling life most of the time.

 

He prefers to pay someone to do his household tasks, rather than doing them with his time (which is worth a pretty penny in the marketplace, and is priceless to our family). Instead of doing them with his time, he does them with his money, accomplishing the miracle of being able to do two things at once. It's the same reason he'd rather not learn auto repair, and I'd rather not spin, weave, sew, knit or do laundry by hand. Some things are just easier to accomplish with cash than by personal effort.

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You are one person and there are only twenty-four hours in a day. You love your husband and the kids more that dust bunnies, right? Give the best of yourself to the people who love and need you. Let someone else, who probably could use the money, take care of the other stuff.

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We have someone come 2x/month. I consider it to be the best money ever spent! I am not stressed about my dirty house because I know exactly when it will be cleaned. Try it! It doesn't have to be for forever. I fully intend to have my kids help me a ton when they get a little older. But for now, it's bliss!

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Oh, please don't compare yourself to the Moms of many who "seem" to have it all together. You don't know, really you don't. They may have housekeepers or husbands who handle the groceries or kids extra curriculars or. . . or. .

 

Honestly my dh and I see my job as a full time job. Fortunately he has Mondays off and can take kids to orthodontists and doctors appt and he handles the big shop (with the youngest--this started as a way to get the toddler out of the house one morning and I would do all the things you can't do w/ a toddler around). In many families the Dads do the shopping. Many homeschool families around here hire housecleaners. They don't talk about it, though. Most families I know where the wife works outside the house hire housekeepers. Why not those of us who are full time home schooling? I would if we could afford it, but he does his full share around here as he would if we were both out of the house.

 

You are so NOT a failure. No one can do it all, especially with a toddler and major medical problems and dealing with LDs. Your dh is just trying to take care of you and your family by suggesting that.

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Make me feel better about this :(

 

Last night Tony and I had a bit of a blow up. Nobody's fault, really, but he feels that I'm stretching myself too thin - between homeschooling, our youngest being a bit of a wild child, DD's school appointments and running here and there, normal errands, and Nico's recent upsurge in doctor's appointments/diagnostics appointments. Youngest still isn't sleeping through the night (almost 2), so on top of his day time antics (good thing he's cute!), I'm getting very little sleep.

 

Tony does not criticize the house, and often tells me how much he appreciates everything I do (and likewise I tell him how much I appreciate him), so this isn't a matter of him thinking that I'm not keeping up on the housework - he's just tired of me working on the house until bed time; he broke down last night and said that he doesn't see me smile any more - he wants time with me (and I *so* want more time with him!). This is only going to get worse when DD comes home next year (because of her 2E needs, she needs high content, but most of her work will be mom dependent), leaving me essentially no time during the day to do anything but school work and appointments.

 

He's like to hire someone to come in once a week, do the bathrooms, catch up the laundry, and then come in once a month to do a more thorough deep clean of the house.

 

I feel like a failure. This is my issue, not his. He is trying to be kind, but I'm being combative about it; I think that I only need better time management skills - after all, I know women in my co-op who have 7+ children and do not seem to be pulling their hair out daily or running on fumes/coffee (lol). Why can't I get into the swing of this???

 

You aren't a failure.  You're prioritizing your time in manner that works best for your family. We intentionally have cleaners come in twice weekly to do the deep cleaning projects  so that DH and I have time to do other things.  We need to keep things very clean because of DFDnow10 and we have a large house so we really need twice weekly service.  Someone who rotated their deep cleaning projects differently or had a smaller house could probably get by quite well with much less than 16-20 hours/week. We could do all that our cleaners do but that is a chunk of time that we would rather spend with each other and the children and we consider the money well spent.  We do, do all of the day to day cleaning and laundry (with some help from our children). This is our preference, however, I think this is kind of a necessity unless you plan to have live in help or are comfortable leaving many little messes all around waiting for the cleaners.  Neither option has been acceptable to us.  

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let me say the reason I am so overwhelmningly busy as a house cleaner is because of situations like yours:) There are only so many hours in a day and only so much of you to go around.  I'd like to hire a house cleaner some days. Then I have to remind myself that I am a house cleaner. So no Your not a failure or a poor manager.

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Oh my gosh, take the help!! Take it take it! I wish we could afford a housecleaner again. It was such a huge burden lifted off me. BTW- I know lots of moms that homeschool  and have big families and who have housecleaners. Some of them have someone who comes twice a week!!

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Accept the help. I am of a similar disposition; I'm not inclined to pay for help and feel I should be able to do it all. But there was a period of time when I had a cleaning lady come every two weeks. It was great to know the bathrooms and floors would get clean at least that often. Graciously accept the help. You will help someone who needs employment while you help relieve yourself.

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I ended up getting a housekeeper years ago, even though DH and I didn't want to.  She ended up being a great friend, and she and the kids are really close, too.  She genuinely loves them.  And I love her kids.  She has babysat for me on more than one occasion, has bailed me out when we were in a real pickle with getting people to and from places and is truly a joy in our lives.  I didn't want to go down that path but now I cannot image what life would have been like without her, especially when I had breast cancer.  She was a true gift and is still a close friend.

 

If you could find someone you trusted, who is really reliable, they might be able to help out with the little one while you are trying to homeschool the others.  And could maybe help out with other things, as well.  Even if she only does housework, this seems like it is a badly needed component to help get you on track for this next year, which you know will be challenging.  If you are completely worn out and exhausted, and depressed and overwhelmed, you are not helping anyone.  This may be a great opportunity to help bring joy back into all your lives.  Don't feel like a failure.  As many others have said, you are definitely not one.  Accept the help.  

 

But definitely screen who you will hire.  Get recommendations from friends.  You need someone you can trust.  And when you do hire someone take the time to clearly and succinctly explain how you like things done.  Be respectful but be clear.  Don't worry about insulting them.  They need to know. I see this happen where things are not done the way the employer wishes but they just get frustrated and unhappy and then decide it is a bad fit and fire them.  But they didn't actually clarify what they wanted done.  Write it down so that both parties are clear.

 

Best wishes...

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Oh for crying out loud. You're not a failure. Let it go. We weren't placed here on this earth to live in the ridiculous houses we live in. Really--they require so much upkeep. Where are our simple tents that don't require dusting and vacuuming? :)

 

The most important thing in life is relationships. If you ignore his offer and let your relationships suffer, *then* you can tell us you feel like a failure.

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Oh for crying out loud. You're not a failure. Let it go. We weren't placed here on this earth to live in the ridiculous houses we live in. Really--they require so much upkeep. Where are our simple tents that don't require dusting and vacuuming? :)

 

The most important thing in life is relationships. If you ignore his offer and let your relationships suffer, *then* you can tell us you feel like a failure.

Oh to move into a one room tent...think of how easy it would be to clean!  :)  And I would be much less likely to misplace something.  There would be so little to misplace!

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Comparisons are odious!!  You are almost always comparing your weakest area to their biggest strength!!

 

I'm joining the chorus of those telling you to accept the help joyfully and rejoice that your husband sees that your family is in a stressful and challenging stage right now!!

 

Anne

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I am trying hard not to be petty and jealous here. TAKE THE HOUSEKEEPER! Seriously, when my dh traveled a lot and my kids were littler we had a housekeeper. We have done it a different times and I loved it. I miss it. Those were the days my friend lol. You totally deserve some help. We all do.

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